07x17 - Cards on the Table

[bunniefuu]

Kristin: We got a little problem with the restaurant.

Our Sunday brunches are in the red.

All-you-can-eat might've been a mistake in a store that caters to lumberjacks.

Okay.

I think you're looking at this the wrong way.

Really?

The wrong way?

I don't, um Huh oh, look at that.

Hey, yeah, you're right.

Now we're making money.

And it's summer.

Honey, think of it as a loss leader, okay?

Sundays are kind of slow in the store.

The buffet brings people in.

Lose a little money at the Grill, but we're kicking ass in the store.

I call it my ying and ka-ching.

Mm, I knew I had a brilliant plan.

I just didn't know what it was.

- Thanks, Dad.

- You bet.

Um (Clears throat)

Small problem, Baxter.

We need to replace the security camera in the loading dock.

Somebody stole it.

(Chuckling)

Come on.

Somebody stole the security camera.

You don't see the irony there?

Yes.

I was just hoping you wouldn't.

Huge problem, Mike, huge.

Kyle and Mandy have signed up for ballroom dancing on Thursday nights.

I blame Groupon.

Oh, oh, 'cause Thursday night is our poker night.

But that's okay.

We'll just play with four.

No, four is bad luck for poker.

No-no-no.

You know how many people were playing the night that Wild Bill Hickok was m*rder*d?

- Four?

- No, five.

But after he was sh*t in the back, four.

So we either find a fifth or we get our horses, ride out of town at nightfall.

Hyah come on now!

Hyah!

Hyah!

I'll find somebody.

I'll find somebody.

No, no, you don't find anybody.

The last time you looked for somebody, you know who you found?

Joe.

Oh (Scoffs)

Hey, you really gonna complain about a poker player who thinks out loud?

(As Joe): Uh you know, I should fold but I'm not gonna.

Steve, come on.

A poker game is exactly what you need.

It'll take your mind off the funeral.

Steve it's what your mom would've wanted.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello!

Still trying to find somebody to play in the poker game?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve passed and apparently, so did his mom.

Hey, what what about you?

Me?

You're smart, you-you're a-a fast learner, and even if you win, it's still our money.

- Oh, well, sure, sure.

- Good.

Yeah, then you can join me for our next book club.

It's Maya Angelou week.

You're out.

You're out.

You're out.

- Namaste, fellow travelers.

- Hi.

Mike: Hey, there.

Hey, here are the quarterlies from the pot shop.

- (Vanessa clears throat)

- Okay, great.

(Mouthing)

- No.

- This is about me, isn't it?

Well, the cards have been dealt, now play the game.

I'm going to fold.

(Laughs): Okay, I'm gonna fold.

Listen, don't make a big deal about this, but I'd like to invite you to play poker with the guys on Thursday.

You know, what I'm really hearing is that you want to spend some more time with your favorite son-in-law.

My favorite son-in-law is taking dance lessons.

That's why I'm asking you.

Okay, you know what?

I will play as long as you admit that you, Mike Baxter, want to spend time with me, Ryan Vogelson.

- I won't mean it.

- I don't care.

This is why I don't like asking you stuff.

Because you make everything so difficult.

Still don't care.

Would you please play poker with us on Thursday, so I can spend more time with you?

And who am I?

- Ryan Vogelson - Mm-hmm?

my favorite son-in-law.

Well, in that case, I would be honored to.

Thank you, Mike.

Don't thank me.

Thank Steve and his dumb dead mom.

Main menu, yeah.

Main me main menu.

I, uh rep-representative.

(Stammers)

Rep-re-sen-ta-ti You know what?

Just tell them I'll call back after I've had wine.

- You're using the phone to make a call?

- (Sighs)

I heard people still do that.

How was school?

Interesting.

In chemistry class, somebody mixed hydrogen and chlorine.

- Ooh, that will explode.

- It did.

We lost two windows and five eyebrows.

But all anyone can talk about is prom.

Ooh.

So prom's coming up?

How exciting.

- Blah.

- Aw.

Why does everyone make such a big deal about it?

- It's so lame.

- Mm.

- Haven't been asked yet?

- No.

And I'm dying to go.

Hey, Mandy.

We were just talking about I'm too busy, Mom, sorry.

- prom.

- Oh, my God.

What's the date?

What's the theme?

Who's the boy?

The 15th.

Caribbean Nights.

And Adam St.

Cloud.

(Sighs): Oh, so he's Catholic.

How did he ask you?

He hasn't.

Not a problem.

Ask him.

- I can do that?

- Oh, yeah, of course, it's 2019.

Oh, wow, is it really 2019?

So, um, my sophomore year I asked a boy well, I told a boy to ask me.

But that was all part of a bigger plan to get this other boy to ask me.

Prom was my busy time of year.

(Chuckles)

Well, it certainly wasn't finals.

Okay.

Um now, what are we gonna have you wear?

I am seeing a tropical print dress, an updo, possibly an orchid.

(Squeals)

Adam St.

Cloud is gonna be blown away.

It'll be the second time this week.

He was in that chemistry class.

Three, three, three, three, three.

Four, four, four, four.

Five, five, five, five.

God, it's like playing cards on Sesame Street.

All right, jacks or better to open, you can pull four cards with an ace, no wild cards, - just American poker.

- Got it.

All right, I am, uh, I'm in for a big dime.

- I'm in.

- All right.

Yep.

In.

Ooh, too rich for my blood, I'll tell you that.

You're out?

I got to watch my money, you know?

Since my mom's not driving anymore, I'm responsible for getting her around, and believe me, those senior bus passes ain't cheap.

All right, let's do it.

- All right.

Two cards here.

- Okay.

What your mom stopped driving?

Oh, I told her to.

She hit a neighbor's mailbox.

Made a little mistake, that's all.

His mailbox is attached to his front door.

All right, meanwhile back to the poker game.

Oh.

That-that must've been a really hard thing for you to tell her, Joe.

- Yeah, yeah, I guess.

- Uh, two cards.

How'd she react?

Oh, mad as hell.

She threw her teeth at me.

Okay.

Two cards here.

Two cards.

It's important to remember, this isn't just happening to you.

You see?

Losing independence is the greatest fear of aging.

Yeah, I went through that with my dad.

It was rough.

You know what's rough?

It's playing cards with Oprah's audience.

Okay?

Two cards?

Mike Joe's talking about something that is really important to him.

We have all night to play cards.

But at some point we actually have to play cards.

One.

Ed, it's on you.

How many cards?

Okay, uh you know, the secret is to make sure that she knows you understand what she's going through.

- Hmm?

- Wow.

That is a beautiful statement.

Talk more about that, Ed.

For the love of God!

Okay, okay, okay, I see that Mike's in a rush to clean us out tonight.

All right, three cards, please.

Mike: Good, good, good, good.

All right.

Chuck?

- Okay.

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

- Mike: No, go ahead.

- Come on.

- I'm thinking the only thing worse than dealing with an aging parent is dealing with a kid.

- Yes.

- Oh.

Something going on with Brandon?

Oh, man, let me Listen, when we play poker, we actually have to play poker!

Yeah, you're right.

Maybe this isn't the right place for me to talk about it.

Or, you know what?

Maybe it is.

I fold.

- No.

No.

No.

- Yeah, me, too.

- I'm gonna fold, too.

- No, no, no, no!

- (Overlapping chatter)

- No, no, no, no!

I got four kings!

- (Chatter continues)

- You can't Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Hey, I want to show you something I picked up on my last hunting trip.

(Chuckles)

Litter!

The footprint of the Rocky Mountain jackass.

I mean, what kind of sociopath walks into a pristine forest and says, "You know what this place needs?

My garbage. " It's the woods, dummy!

Not a movie theater.

Look, I could solve this problem with a simple two-week bowhunting season on litterers.

But my state legislator won't even bring the bill to the floor.

Government.

Maybe paintballs.

That would humiliate the litterers, and they're biodegradable.

Now maybe you're thinking, what's one beer can in 100,000 acres?

Well, the next guy might say, "Oh, I guess this is where we dump our trash.

" He adds a potato chip bag to the mix, and then some candy bar wrappers.

Next thing you know, your perfect landscape is a landfill.

And Iron Eyes Cody has a single tear rolling down his cheek.

I go into the woods to escape the real world.

Last thing I wanted to see is a bunch of real world scattered at the base of the tree.

You know, I think of a good poker game a little like the state of nature.

Huh?

An untarnished environment that gets ruined when people start littering it with their emotional debris.

It's all like tossing your dog's crap into my yard.

It hasn't gone away.

The crap is just in my yard instead of yours.

And I don't want to clean up after you or your stupid dog.

And the next time you're thinking about desecrating my woods with your trash, you might want to take a good look around, make sure I'm not hiding behind a tree.

I'm really good at hiding.

(Chuckles)

Baxter out.

So, I think you should change into it at school right before you ask him.

That way it'll be a surprise.

Do you have any experience walking in slow motion?

(Vocalizing)

Not really.

I'll teach you.

(Laughs)

So, uh, how well do you know this Adam St.

Cloud?

Uh, I got my hair caught in his backpack once.

Okay, not a problem.

Um, how are you gonna ask him?

I don't know.

I haven't even thought about it.

Well, luckily, I'm smart enough to think for the both of us.

Come on.

Kyle, you have to be Adam St.

Cloud.

Piece of cake.

Who's that?

Uh, Jen's asking him to prom.

So, Jen, where's the best place to ask him?

- Probably the cafeteria.

- Great.

Kyle, you are in the cafeteria.

Oh, right.

(Clears throat)

Hey, Ronnie, give me some tacos, yo.

It's taco day.

No.

He's more confident.

And cool.

And his hair's always messy.

But not too messy.

And he knows everyone.

And everyone knows him.

Jen, he sounds pretty popular.

He's so popular.

He's captain of the swim team.

And he plays guitar.

And he was homecoming king.

Are you sure this is the right guy to ask?

Of course I am.

(Chuckles)

I sound perfect.

All right.

Aim high!

I love it.

Um, okay.

There he is.

Go ask him.

Be direct, but playful.

- Got it.

(Exhales)

- Mm-hmm.

(Clears throat)

Hey, Jen.

Hi, Adam.

(Gags)

The prom is (Gags)

What the hell is that?

When I get really nervous, it kind of triggers my gag reflex.

Okay.

Um take a breath.

- (Exhales sharply)

- Okay.

- Let me start over.

- Mm-hmm.

Hi, Adam (Gags)

I guess I could make a matching bib.

- Hey, Mike.

- Hey.

Hey, Baxter, you wanted to see us?

Yeah.

I like coming up here; it's nice to get away - from all those garage fumes.

- Right.

I like coming up here.

It's nice to get away from all those garage fumes.

Okay, we got to vent that garage, all right?

Uh, look, I asked you guys up here to talk about the card game.

I think we all agree that having Ryan there kind of screwed things up with all the chitchat.

Well, he got us talking about our problems.

What's the big deal?

'Cause we talked and talked and the cards just sat and sat.

And we listened.

I did some good active listening in that game.

Yeah, but we didn't play any cards.

So, instead of Ryan, I say we invite Steve.

He's still grieving for his mom, so easy money.

Oh, I don't know, Baxter.

Ryan was the only one who noticed the dash of cinnamon I put in my homemade poker cookies.

I'm not gonna lie.

It felt nice.

(Stammers)

Ed, wha-what do you think?

I thought it was nutmeg.

Are you kidding I'm not talking about the stupid cookies, I'm talking about putting poker back in our poker game.

You know, if you got a problem with Ryan, you should bring it up at the next game.

It's a safe space.

Ordinarily, I'd be right with you, Mike, but the kid does bring something special.

Yeah, he's like the dash of cinnamon - in our new recipe.

- Yeah.

So you guys don't find him annoying at all?

No, I found the discussion cathartic.

Which is a new word our friend Ryan taught us.

Yeah.

(Scoffs)

I don't know, Baxter.

You leave the game with something to think about.

Yeah.

So, this is really the way you want to play cards, all you guys?

So maybe (Chuckles)

Maybe I should do something else on Thursday night, like, oh, play with my cars, you know?

'Cause cars don't just sit there and tell me their problems.

(Chuckles)

Well, that's really big of you, Mike.

- That'd be great.

- Yeah, man, thanks.

Yeah, thanks.

So, I was thinking about opening up a little lounge in the pot shop and maybe I could host the poker game there sometime.

Oh, great idea.

Joe inside of a pot shop.

The guy can barely remember the cards he has now.

Heck, you guys play cards wherever you want to play cards.

Okay.

What does that mean?

That card game the other night just wasn't my thing, you know?

I'm just not into people hashing out their problems where I'm playing poker.

You know, normal humans actually like having an outlet.

Well, I don't like normal humans.

Every day at Outdoor Man, I'm the man that everybody brings their problems to.

Yeah, same.

I get asked a thousand questions a day at the pot shop.

I mean, granted, half of them are, "Uh, dude, did I already ask you that?" - So, you get it.

- Yeah, I get it.

But I don't let it get to me because I meditate.

I have this little room that I go to which I'm definitely not gonna tell you about because you will fill it with bees.

Well, I meditate, too.

Every Thursday, with cards in my hand.

Poker is your escape?

All week long people are bringing their problems to me, so for three hours, while I'm playing poker, I can shut out the worry, the questions and I get to recharge.

And us talking about our problems makes that impossible.

Impossible and annoying.

It's like having vegans over for dinner.

I mean, what are we gonna eat?

The-the placemats?

Damn it, I hate when I empathize with you.

But I do.

So, what would you do for meditation if you couldn't play poker?

I'm thinking of raising bees.

Actually, you know what?

You solve people's problems all day, let me take this one.

All right, let's stay positive.

You did everything you could, maybe it all worked out.

Yeah, sure, Mom.

Maybe she asked him and Adam said, (Gagging): "Yes.

" Oh, come on.

Hi, guys.

And that's how you do quantum physics.

Any questions?

Yep, that's how I always do it.

Uh, so, uh, so-so, how did it go with Adam?

Terrible.

I walked right up to him just like we practiced and then I started, you know.

- Aw.

- Well, you know, personally, I think it's cute.

I never even got to ask him because - Oh, my gosh.

- He asked me!

- What?

Oh!

Wow!

- (Squealing)

- (Jen laughing)

- Shut up!

Oh, are you serious?

(Giggling)

He said he was trying to ask me all week but he was too nervous.

Me.

I made him nervous.

(Giggles)

- (Chuckles)

- Kyle, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just so happy we're learning the foxtrot because we're gonna be (Voice breaking): dancing at your wedding.

Thank you guys so much.

And Mandy, I got so many compliments on my outfit.

Wow, you're going to the prom.

I-I can't wait to take pictures.

Get in line, sister.

Now the real work begins.

You need to look spectacular because everyone is gonna - be looking at Adam and you.

- (Chuckles)

- Everyone?

- Oh, wouldn't it be great - if she was named prom queen?

- Prom queen?

(Gags)

(Yelps)

(Gagging)

(Gagging continues)

How can you think that's cute?

My mom's not taking the bus anymore.

Now I'm driving her around.

See?

Guys?

Joe turned a difficult situation into a wonderful opportunity.

But you don't want your mother on the bus, Joe.

Those things are packed with ne'er-do-wells.

Yeah, we spend a lot of time in the car and I'm learning a lot about her.

- ED: Mm-hmm?

- For instance, she's a great tipper.

Hmm.

You guys know I drive for Uber, right?

Oh, all right.

And Chuck?

Last time we all talked, you were worried about Brandon.

Oh, well, not so much anymore.

You know, I stopped hovering and he figured it out all on his own.

The girl he was dating was a train wreck.

Train's another place crawling with layabouts.

Speaking of layabouts, I'm gonna lay about seven cards that you will not like.

Uh, gin, uh, rummy.

- Mm-hmm, all right.

- Hey, guys.

Oh, there he is, right on time.

- All right.

- All right, gin rummy is done.

- Hi, Mike.

- Let the poker begin.

- Let the games begin.

- Yeah.

- Let's go.

- All right.

Hey, I didn't tell you guys.

I met a new girl at the deli, I think I like her.

Oh, are you gonna ask her out?

I don't think so.

You know?

I'm just a number to her.

Ryan: Joe.

Remember the rules, okay?

We only talk about our problems during gin rummy.

8:00 is poker time and we only talk about one thing and that is poker.

Mike: Now let's be clear, you can talk about whatever you want, just as long as it's meaningless.

Uh, Mike, you're up.

I'm open for a big fat - ten cents.

- All right, I'm in.

I'm in.

- I should fold - ED: Mm-hmm?

but I'm not gonna.

- I'm in.

- Oh, yeah, I'm in.

The bet is to you, Baxter.

I think you're bluffing.

(Scoffs)

There's only one way to find out, Mr. Big sh*t.

This is amazing.

Hmm.

I've never seen Joe in a poker game till the end.

Yeah, when Mike bets like this, - he usually has a full house or better.

- Yeah.

All right, I'm all in.

I call.

What do you got?

Read 'em and weep.

Gin rummy.

It's the fumes in the garage, isn't it?