08x01 - No Parental Guidance

[bunniefuu]

- Whoa, whoa.

- Whoa.

- Hey.

- What are you doing in here?

Thursday Night Football, baby.

Oh, Terry, no, no.

No, Thursday Night Football is over.

What do you mean it's over?

Why would the networks do that?

- That's crazy.

- MIKE: Listen.

Networks do a lot of weird stuff.

Uh, they're based in California.

That's all I'm gonna say.

I guess I will just have to do some binge-watching!

- MIKE: Oh - Hey, have you ever seen that show Downtown Abby?

- What is that girl all about?

- VANESSA: Oh, no, no, look, no.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, Mike and I - we're gonna watch our favorite show.

- (MIKE CHUCKLES)

- Really?

What's it about?

- Yeah.

It's about a real funny dad and-and other people, but mostly about the funny dad.

Well, the dad has a wife, too, and she's-she's smoking hot.

Uh uh, she's on that and, like, seven other shows.

Then maybe I'll just have to find somebody else to hang out with, won't I?

There you go.

Howie Long.

You got his number?

Terry, he asked us not to give it to you.

Well, I'll see you next Thursday.

Next Thursday.

Thursday Night Football.

All right?

By the way, I'd like a little bigger TV.

That's way too small.

Thursday!

We're gonna have to move.

Whoa, whoa, boy.

What is all this?

Oh, I made breakfast for Vanessa.

You are the most thoughtful exchange student ever.

Now get rid of all of it.

Why?

Just, okay, listen, she's a little cranky.

Doesn't happen often, but when she gets cranky, this is all too much for her.

It'll be too much.

You got to back off.

She's like a like a coiled snake in a bathrobe she thinks is cashmere.

Backing off might be best for those of you who are cuteness-challenged, but I think I'll be fine.

Good morning, Vanessa.

I made you breakfast to start your New Year off right.

Yeah, I'll still have to clean up the mess, so it's the same old, same old, isn't it?

I tried to warn you.

"The stove is hot".

"Oh, oh, this stove?

Ow!" Look, I'm sor I'm sorry, Jen.

I'm just a little upset about something, so I think it would be best if everyone would just leave me alone for a bit.

Absolutely not!

No one walks away from Jen until they have a smile on their face and a song in their heart.

Jen, Jen, Jen, look at the muffin.

(JEN GASPS)

Look at the time!

I think I'll get to school early and help the janitor mop.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

What?

Protect children from danger?

No, no, pretend like I'm some kind of ticking time b*mb.

I'm sorry if I was up late trying to-to finish the New Year's jigsaw puzzle that I always do with the girls, but this year I had to do all by myself, because apparently they have fancy lives and are too busy to stop by.

- Uh-huh.

- (SIGHS)

Just because they don't live here anymore, does that mean everything has to change?

I mean, I barely get to see them as it is, and now I don't even get them on New Year's?

That sucks.

That's it?

That's it?

That's all you have to say?

Just "Uh-huh" and "That sucks"?

Yeah.

I've been b*rned by that stove way too many times, honey.

- Oh, you know what?

Forget it.

Forget it.

- No.

Hey, babe.

- No, I don't want to talk to you.

Forget it.

No, I - Come on, come on, stop, stop I-I know you're upset because you don't get to spend enough time with the girls.

It's something that we're gonna get used to, I promise.

We will.

- (LAUGHS)

- Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know why you're saying that?

Well, let's be honest.

I say a lot of stuff that I get punished for later.

You're saying that because you get to see the girls at work all the time.

Kristin works for you and now Mandy works for you.

And I bet once Eve graduates from the Academy, you're gonna steal her away from me, too.

- Don't even - (MOCKING): That sucks.

I'm gonna go help mop at the school.

So, as you can see, I have enough designs in my athleisure line to fill any and all parts of the store, up to and including these offices.

It's brilliant, just brilliant.

It's as if da Vinci created clothes for women who want to look athletic but aren't.

You don't need to treat her like she's my daughter.

Treat her like any other supplier.

All right.

I like your stuff, but if it struggles for two consecutive quarters, you're out on your ass.

- Yeah?

Good.

- Okay.

And don't bitch about shelf space.

And always remember rule number one: make me money, or I make you gone.

Yes, sir.

Welcome aboard, kiddo.

(CHUCKLES)

- Thank you.

- Good.

Oh, and, uh, one more rule no fish in the microwave.

Okay?

No.

(MIKE MURMURS)

- Thanks, Dad.

- Congratulations.

Thank you.

This is so exciting.

- 2020 is gonna be the Year of Mandy.

- Yeah?

I have a new apartment, my clothing line's expanding.

- Uh-huh.

- And Kyle's finally got A healthy sperm count!

(COUGHS, GAGS)

Oh, grow up, Dad.

You don't get another grandchild unless some guy's swimmers meet your daughter's floaters.

You've done the impossible.

You've ruined the concept of grandchildren.

Hey.

- MANDY: Hey.

- Thank God you showed up before I willed myself to have a stroke.

Okay.

Uh, why did you need to see both of us?

You're coming over for dinner Saturday night.

Your mom says we don't see enough of you girls.

Now get out.

I'm busy.

(STAMMERS)

I have plans Saturday.

Ryan's taking me to a bluegrass concert called Cornstock.

Marriage is compromise.

And I got plans, too, Dad.

They involve Kyle and a little bow-chicka-bow-bow.

Eve is coming up from the Air Force Academy.

You're coming, too, okay?

Your mom is having a hard time.

Apparently she misses all of this.

Well, I talk to Mom all the time.

Yeah, me, too.

I just texted her this morning.

That's not the same thing.

She wants to be with you.

You know your mom.

An emotional connection to her is a physical connection.

Which is why, around our house, there's so much bom-chicka-bow-bow.

(SHUDDERING)

- Thanks for doing this, honey.

- Mm.

- Sorry I was so tough on you lately.

Mmm.

- Mmm.

Yeah.

It was nothing.

I didn't do anything.

The girls just wanted to spend some time with you, right, guys?

We're just gonna pretend you didn't order us here?

I thought you m*llitary types were good at "Don't tell".

No, no, no.

It's okay, it's okay.

I'm just thrilled to be surrounded by my girls again.

And we are happy to be here.

It's better than a bluegrass hootenanny.

I want some credit, too.

I gave up a night of hot baby-making.

Wow, you just got to stop this.

Otherwise, I'm gonna start mashing with your mom right now.

I-I don't appreciate that as a thr*at, Mike.

(CHUCKLES)

Um, hey, you know what?

How about I open a bottle of champagne, and we can toast this fabulous night?

- MIKE: I'm in.

- Yeah.

None for me, though, thanks.

Oh, come on.

It's a special bottle I didn't get to open on New Year's because I was alone.

You were with me, honey.

Which is alone-adjacent.

I'm gonna have to pass on the champagne.

Oh.

You don't want a drink with dinner?

Looks like Ryan had the intervention without us.

Really?

I am not an alcoholic.

Exactly what an alcoholic would say.

But maybe there's an-another reason I'm not drinking?

You're al ready drunk?

Wait, wait.

- Kristin, are you ?

- Pregnant.

- (SHRIEKS, LAUGHS)

- Oh!

Almost four months.

Surprise!

VANESSA: Oh, fantastic!

Oh, my God!

Congratulations!

Swear to God, I knew it.

Wow.

That is really low, Kris.

- What?!

- You know, you can't just blurt something like that out in front of everyone.

Did you even think about how that would make me feel?

I'm-I'm sorry.

I'm spending most of my time growing a human being inside of me.

- MIKE: Come on.

- Ugh, stop talking like that, or I'll start mashing with Mom.

You're just you're s-so inconsiderate.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

- No, Mandy, honey.

No, listen, listen, listen.

I Look, I don't think it's wrong for your sister to want to share this wonderful news with the entire family.

Yeah, okay.

And now you're on her side.

Whoever wins, I've got next.

Eve, it's not funny.

Right.

That I'm sorry.

I read the room wrong.

Hey, how's the big family dinner going?

- (MIKE CHUCKLES)

- I can't even talk to you.

Well it it really was going quite well, you know, until you showed up.

This is so sad.

Uh, I mean, tonight should have been a-a joyous time for our family.

Kristin's having a baby.

And this time she's married and not in high school.

Honey, honey.

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Look, I-I usually find your ability to lighten the mood kind of sexy.

- Usually?

- Huh?

Yeah, but one more joke, I'm gonna hit you in the nuts with the lamp.

Mandy is upset because Kris just gets pregnant, and she and Kyle have been working so hard to get pregnant.

And there, you made me acknowledge it.

I know, I know, but-but what Mandy did was not okay, and I'm gonna talk to her about it.

You know what?

I'm gonna talk to Kris, too, because I-I'm sure she feels robbed of what should have been an exciting family moment.

This is probably a risky thing to say with you so close to that lamp.

I think you should stay out of it.

By "stay out of it", you mean what exactly?

What?

Stop mothering my children?

Hmm.

Excuse me.

Uh You've done a great job mothering those girls - while they were living here.

- Mm-hmm.

But now they're grown-ups, they're out on their own.

They got to figure this out by themselves.

- Well, what if they don't?

- Then you're a lousy mother.

(SCOFFS)

Hand me the lamp.

- Listen, listen - I Mandy's gonna figure out she did something wrong and she's gonna fix it I'm 100% sure of that.

Look, I hope you're right because I would really miss that lamp.

Come on, you'd really miss I'd miss the lamp.

(KNOCKING)

- Yeah.

- Hey, Mr. B.

Hey, you got a minute for a couple of sons-in-laws-es?

"Sons-in-laws-eez"?

Sons-in ?

Listen, hey, um congratulations.

You and Boyd must be happy.

- Thank you.

Yeah, we are.

- Yeah.

- Um, that's actually why we came by.

- Okay.

We heard the announcement last night was a little tense.

Little tense.

Yes, I don't think a dinner's gone that badly since the Last Supper.

Uh, this is all my fault.

I'm not sure how, but when I say that, people usually feel better.

Actually, it was your fault, you know.

Mandy wouldn't have anything to be jealous over had you kept your sperm count low, where evolution wisely put it.

Damn my boxer shorts.

Look, Kris has been trying to get hold of Mandy, but she's not answering.

So now Kris is walking around all mad.

And this time she's mad for two.

And even though we're their husbands, we don't feel like it's right for us to tell 'em they have to talk.

Oh, oh.

You want me to say something?

- Yes.

- No.

But they'll listen to you.

Everybody does.

He doesn't listen to me.

If he did, the only person he could get pregnant would be himself.

I don't follow.

Oh, I'll explain it to you later.

It's super hilarious.

They're adults.

I want them to act like adults.

I don't want them doing stuff because their dad tells them to do it.

Come on, Mike.

There's got to be something that you can do.

I've already done it.

I-I've spent 20-some-odd years raising those girls.

I-It's got to be enough.

That's it.

Dismissed.

Oh, now I get it.

Because he's always telling you to go Yeah, super hilarious.

- Hey, Chuck.

- Oh, hey.

I know you're not Dad's secretary, but is he in?

He told me to come up at 3:00.

Everyone says they know I'm not his secretary, but everyone acts like I am.

Go on in.

Go ahead.

(SIGHS)

What are you doing here?

I have a meeting with Dad.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, news flash, Dad's not in here.

And neither am I.

Well, I won't be.

You know what, shut up!

Oh.

Nobody is going anywhere.

Your dad said you two were supposed to have a meeting at 3:00.

So have a meeting.

And I am not his damn secretary.

I can't believe you.

You're not talking to me because you think that I deliberately got pregnant just to ruin the "Year of Mandy"?

Wow.

You don't even know what you did; that's even worse.

I would ask you what's even worse, but I know you won't talk to me.

Yeah, because we don't talk, Kris, we-we chat.

The diet soda of conversation.

And even though I love diet soda, that is a bad thing.

Well, I am the whole milk of confused.

Talking would be stuff like, uh, "Hey, Mandy, you're my best friend so you should be the first to know that you're going to be an aunt again".

Wh So-so you're not jealous, you're hurt?

That's even crazier.

Yeah, well, we're supposed to share important stuff with each other.

Who was the first person I told when Kyle's low sperm count skyrocketed?

You!

Yes, yes, that was me.

Quite the honor.

But I guess you don't want to do that anymore.

Fine.

I don't, I don't want to be the first person you tell.

Mandy (SIGHS)

Do you remember a couple of years ago when you were the first person I told I was pregnant?

And then you weren't.

I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to remind you of that.

It's okay.

It was really early in the pregnancy, and miscarriages happen sometimes.

Yeah.

I remember how sad it made you.

And I remember how sad it made you.

I wished I had waited longer to tell you.

So that's why you waited this time.

And just so you know, you were gonna be the first person I told this time, too.

But the other night, Wineboat Annie started pushing the bubbly and it just came out, you know.

I couldn't help myself.

Okay, wait, I have a great idea.

Why don't we have an announcement do-over right now.

Isn't that kind of silly?

No, no, no, it'll be great.

(CLEARS THROAT)

La-la, la-la-la-la, la, la.

Hey, Kris.

Hey.

What did you want to talk to me about?

Okay, fine, Mandy.

Uh, I wanted you to be the first to know I'm pregnant.

I can't believe you're having a baby and ruining the Year of Mandy.

You know what?

You weren't even the first person I told.

I told Eve and and I don't even like her.

This is so great.

I can't wait to be pregnant now so we can go through it together.

Yeah, it's a blast.

Next time something's bothering you, will you please just tell me?

Because you-you are my best friend.

I promise.

Also, this is, like, the best meeting I've ever had.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Ooh.

Oh.

The world needs more of this.

(CHUCK MURMURING)

Ugh.

Ugh, why haven't they called?

Not knowing is k*lling me.

It's gonna be fine.

It's gonna be fine.

Look, they're either still talking, or one of them tried to get rid of the body.

(SCOFFS)

I'm calling them.

- Don't do it, please, honey - No, no, no, look.

You know, I don't feel good about Mandy dealing - with this by herself.

- Just put it down for me.

(CHUCKLES)

Remember the time that she begged us to make the family dinner?

Hmm?

- She made soup out of grass.

- Mm.

- Come on.

She was a child.

- Ah.

- She was a child, right?

- Mm.

Yeah.

And Kristin actually ate it because she didn't want Mandy to feel bad.

Yeah, but then Kristin felt horrible 'cause I'd just fertilized the lawn.

Yeah, those two have always been so close.

I don't think I can handle it if they lose that.

It's not gonna happen.

Listen, I know their mom.

Thanks.

Can I confess something that's, uh (CHUCKLES)

that's gonna sound horrible?

Sure.

As long as you don't finish the sentence and say, "Your turn".

There is a part of me that almost hopes they don't work it out because then that'll mean that they no longer need me.

(CHUCKLES)

That make me an awful person?

Good parent, you raise them and they don't need you.

And it sucks.

You know?

You're a great parent, they still want you.

- Hmm.

- KRISTIN: Hey, anybody home?

MANDY: I got a pregnant lady here who's hungry.

- And it's not me.

- (VANESSA CHUCKLES)

Oh, my goodness.

What are you guys, uh, doing here?

Well, I went by Dad's office to straighten these two clowns out, but they had figured everything out before I could hit anybody.

Well, um, we wanted to come over and apologize.

Yeah, Dad said that you really missed seeing us, and we went and screwed it up.

I didn't.

I did what I always do cracked a couple of jokes and snuck two beers into the den.

You still can't drink here unless you're 21.

I am 21.

Ha.

Swear to God, I knew that.

Uh, real smooth having Chuck lock us in your office, Dad.

Yeah, why was he crying when I got there?

Yeah we did that.

Marines.

I am just glad you're here because I really miss this.

Oh, Mommy, you-you finished the New Year's puzzle by yourself.

Yeah, well, I it wasn't as much fun, but-but it was quicker.

Well, next year we'll be sure to come by and do it all together.

- You know what, it's not quite done.

- (GASPS)

Hey!

No!

MIKE: No, really, there's a little bit left here.

- Come on.

Oh, look.

- Oh, no!

- Look, I tell you what.

- What are you doing?

I'm going to the garage.

That's what I'm gonna do.

You want to help us?

I think I already put my puzzle together.

(CHUCKLES)

You do realize next year this will be a choking hazard?

Or you could give it to Mandy and make it one now.

Hey, uh, Eve, why don't you let me whip you up a cup of soup?

You missed this?

Absolutely.

Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man, where we're all about passing down traditions.

That's why we're having a Grandparents Day sale, where, if you come in with your grandkid, I'll give you 20% off on all of our camping equipment, all right?

But don't just borrow a neighbor kid to just save a little dough.

You try that move and you're gonna get a butt full of hot buckshot.

And nothing makes me happier than thinking about being a grandpa again.

And nothing makes me less happy than thinking about what had to happen to make that happen.

(GROANS)

Why couldn't the stork have been real, man?

It's easier, cleaner, better.

I prefer that story.

Of course, in nature storks are real but they're mean.

They're mean.

Mean damn birds.

They kick their kids out of the nest after 60 days and don't give a flying fork if they visit at New Year's.

The best thing about pushing humans out of the nest is that they circle back and often hand you a smaller, cuter version of themselves to look after.

It's a beautiful tradition called "free babysitting".

And, listen, I take my responsibility as a grandfather very seriously.

Someone has to teach the youngest generation the right way to insert an M-80 in a watermelon.

Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)