01x08 - Art Crawl

[bunniefuu]

(burger sizzling)

(Glass breaking)

Wow, I thought last year's art crawl was terrible, but they really outdid themselves this year, huh?

Yeah.

Ugh, bad.

Very bad.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, look at that.

Really bad. (Groans)

Really, really bad.

Ugh!

Louise: Ugh!

I think they're... good.

Dad, why does art crawl suck so much?

Well, it's just a very loose definition of art, Louise.

And don't say suck.

Don't say suck, please.

You're right, though.

It does suck.

I don't want you kids to think this is what art is.

We should go to a museum.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Yeah, maybe not. Yeah, we should...

We should not go to a museum.

Let's not overdo it.

Let's just walk around and make fun of this stuff.

Yeah. Okay.

Why don't we just go back to the restaurant?

Because your aunt Gayle is there hanging up her art, which we're not allowed to make fun of at all.

Well, why can't we make fun of aunt Gayle's paintings?

She's family.

Yeah.

That means never holding back anything, right, pit stains?

Am I showing?

Let's just say your shirt looks like my underwear right now.

Yeah. Well, look, no one tells Gayle anything she can't handle.

That's your mom's rule, all right?

You treat her like a mental patient.

Well, I mean, she probably should be one, right?

Yeah, I heard she ate her lipstick once because she wanted to feel red inside.

And she made a dress out of live shrimp and wore it to mass.

Oh, and she shaved her cat.

Bob: Come on, Louise.

You know none of that is true.

Except for the cat shaving.

And maybe the shrimp and the lipstick.

Are you kidding me?

My kid could paint that.

Tina: Wow. It costs $200.

Someone bought that mess?!

How rude!

Harold!

(Snoring)

Harold?!

What?

There are some poorly supervised children amongst the art.

Get rid of them!

All right.

Let's go.

Keep moving.

Excuse me. Are you a...?

Are you a bouncer?

Are you gonna bounce my kids?

No, no. Just keep it moving, chubs.

Chubs? You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

(Coughs) Hey, easy, pal, all right?

Don't touch.

Come on, dad.

This guy's not worth it.

Ah, listen to your kids, fatsy.

Fatsy?

Come on. Come on, dad.

Louise...

Dad, look me...

Give me your eyes, dad.

Give me your eyes.

Mm-hmm.

Take a deep breath.

You are lucky, pal.

It's not worth it, dad.

If you hit him, your hand would smell like ointment and pee.

You smell like ointment and pee.

You smell like ointment and pee.

You smell like ointment and pee.

You smell like ointment and pee.

You...

Well, that was awkward.

What is that place?

Louise: You don't know reflections?

They sell art, not just during art crawl, but year-round.

Reflections.

It sounds like a strip club, the way you say it.

Reflections.

Mmm.

So, brace yourselves for aunt Gayle's art show.

Mom said aunt Gayle told her they're just adorable animals.

Oh, yeah? Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

(Nervous laugh) Hi, hon!

How was art crawl? Hey.

Huh? Everything's going great here. We're having fun.

Oh, wow.

Lin...

Gayle's here!

We hung-hung her paintings!

Look at this one!

Look at that one!

Linda, can you just let me see...? Oh, my God!

Gene: Yeah! Anuses!

Oh, God. Oh, my God, lin.

It's a few days, Bobby.

Linda, there are animal anuses all over our walls.

Just think of 'em as cute little rumps.

Lin, they're anuses.

I'm trying to think of worse paintings to hang in a restaurant.

Um... nope, I can't think of any.

Bad monkey!

Kids, stop that.

No. I'm spanking the monkey!

No way, dad.

This is the best thing that has ever happened to us.

Horse butt.

Oh, hello, sir.

Don't look at the pictures of the anus...

Yup, he already did. Okay.

You see that, lin?

No one wants to eat with one of those staring at them.

Come on, you can't seriously think that this is a good idea.

Well, they're not for me, but we promised Gayle she could display her art for the art crawl.

We can't take it back now.

She's fragile.

We have to support her.

She's not that fragile, lin.

(Fork clinks)

Oh! (Panting)

What happened?

What happened? (Panting)

Gayle, Gayle honey, look, look, it's a fork.

What?

Look, it's a fork.

Oh, it's a fork. Ha.

Oh, you're k*lling me.

(Laughs)

She's k*lling me.

Okay, so she's fragile.

And that means we have to be the anus restaurant?

Yes, it means that.

Oh, we can make t-shirts!

It'll say: "Milk, milk, lemonade.

Around the corner art is made."

Bob! Do you love 'em?

Or do you just love 'em?

Um, how did you...?

Why... why would you paint... this?

The inspiration came to me on a mountaintop.

What should I paint?

Huh?

♪ Every night in my dreams I see you ♪
♪ I feel you... ♪

Huh.

He loves 'em!

All right, listen up.

All the suckers come out for art crawl.

And they all want to pay money for crap.

So paint some crap, and we can sell it.

Wait. You're not painting?

No, I'm management.

You two paint the stuff, I'll do the rest.

I'll be wheeling and dealing.

I'll be getting my percent.

Okay, let's see what you got so far.

Time's up.

Paint brushes down.

What the hell is this?

I told you to paint commercial touristy crap.

I'm sorry I'm not a sellout.

I can only paint what I feel.

And I can only paint the truth!

The robots are coming!

(Imitates laser g*ns f*ring)

Hide!

Ah, this is great.

You guys want to be real artists, huh?

Okay, that's an angle.

I can sell that.

But if you're going artsy, then you're going all the way.

Someone's cutting off an ear.

I need both of mine.

I wear glasses.

Welp, what's your excuse?

Don't got one.

Have at it.

Teddy, what's wrong? You haven't touched your food.

I don't, Bob.

It's just the, uh...

The anuses? Yeah.

Yeah, you know.

Yeah, they're, uh...

I know.

Oh, they're like Mona Lisa's eyes.

They follow you wherever you go.

Ooh, you're right.

Well, I like 'em!

You like 'em?

Ugh.

Yeah. What's the problem?

The anus is the window of the butt.

It's true. I guess she's just painting what we're all thinking.

Well, okay, but, mort, would you hang them up in your funeral home?

'Course not. That would be terrible for business.

I'm not an idiot.

Count to three, but do it on "two."

I'll keep it on ice until art crawl's over. Thanks, t.

Here goes. Now listen, gene.

I'm gonna have trouble cutting through the cartilage at first.

Mm-hmm.

(Groaning)

While I'm doing it, just think about your art.

Okay!

All right. Ready?

Ninja robot. Ninja robot.

Ninja robot.

One... two...

(Grunts)

Hey, kids.

Oh, hey, dad.

I had to get away from those anuses for a while.

You mean mort and Teddy? No. No.

Your... Gayle's paintings.

What are you kids doing?

What Kn*fe?!

What do you mean, what Kn*fe?

Why are you holding a Kn*fe?

Why am I holding a Kn*fe?

She's turning me into a real artist.

No, she's not.

Put the Kn*fe down, Louise.

I want to be an artist!

Like Leonardo Dicaprio.

That's right.

That's Da Vinci, gene.

No!

The only way I can sell this garbage is if I make them legit!

Hey, wait a second.

I have an idea.

You know who loves the stuff you kids draw?

You?

No. Your mother.

This crap is like catnip to her.

She can't resist it.

Bring 'em inside.

All right, we need to get these up before they get back.

Your mom will be so excited to see this stuff, she won't even notice that I took Gayle's paintings down.

Pretty manipulative, dad.

I see where I get it.

Thank you.

You should see my taxes.

Uh, what's this supposed to be?

A ninja robot fighting a vampire tape recorder at stonehenge.

Who's that in the background?

That's my friend Ken.

Why is he like that?

He's an albino.

Oh.

Yeah.

I've never met Ken.

Is he real or imaginary?

He's real, and he does improvised hip-hop.

Okay, how old is he?

He's 28.

You can't have a 28-year-old, albino friend. Yes, I can!

All right, I can't deal with this right now.

Tina, what do you got?

It's our dentist. Dr.

Yap? Why is he nude?

Wait, has he been nude with you, Tina?!

I exercised some artistic license.

Uh, I...

We're switching dentists.

No! I can't deal with that right now.

But... Let's get 'em up.

(Door bells tinkle)

(Sighs) Linda, Gayle.

How was lunch?

Very interesting.

I think... ♪ the waiter might have been hitting on me. ♪

Yes. He was very attentive.

And he asked you a lot of questions about food.

What was that all about?

Uh, Bob?

Where are my paintings?

What? Wha...? Oh, I had to take a few down to make room for the kids' stuff.

Bobby! Aw.

The kids' stuff!

Yeah. It's like our wall is a giant refrigerator. I love it.

Huh. Gee, Bob, if I didn't know any better, I'd think...

You didn't like my paintings.

What, no? I...

Aw.

No, no, no.

I know when I'm being lied to, Bob.

It's like when I look at myself in the mirror and say, "it's going to be okay."

Fine, look, Gayle, I'm gonna level with you.

No. No, Bob.

No. No leveling. No.

Here we go.

Gayle, the thing about your paintings...

Bobby! Ah...

Oh, look, senior visitors! Yay!

(Laughing): Oh. Well, look who it is.

Great. The art store people.

Oh! Reflections.

I love that store!

I love your yarn.

What can we get for you?

I'm not here as a patron.

I'm here as Edith Cranwinkle, chairperson of the art crawl.

I rushed right over here because there are murmurs, whispers and murmurs around town, that you're displaying...

(Whispers) Certain offensive orifices during the art crawl.

Offices?

Orifices!

Ahh-ha!

Not anymore.

I took them all down.

Oh, what a relief.

I'm glad you agree with my decision.

Your decision?

What decision?

That you can't display that type of art here.

Wait. I can't?

Absolutely not!

It's obscene.

Obscene.

Oh, really?

Yes. I won't allow it.

(Laughs) Excuse me?

You won't allow it?

That's right, Tubsy.

You heard her.

Who are you two to tell me what I can or can't hang on my wall?

I am chairperson of the art crawl.

Well, I'm the chairperson of this restaurant.

And you know what?

They're gonna go back up.

How dare you!

Aw, Bobby!

Gene, Louise, go get the paintings.

Here they are!

(Both gasping)

Step into the butt closet!

I will not!

You should try it.

I will not!

What's it going to take to get you into this rhino anus today?

You are in direct violation of my wife, Bob.

Oh, I am, am I?

Well, how about this?

Horse anus.

Oh! Oh!

Look at it.

No!

Oh.

Chicken anus.

No!

Take a closer look.

Fox anus.

Harold!

Gayle, I'm commissioning a new series of anus paintings.

Two words... bigger and more.

Oh!

Out!

Aah!

I cast you out.

(Edith yelling) Harold: Oh, my gosh.

Keep 'em coming, Gayle!

Gayle: Almost done!

Oh, my, I feel like I could fall into this one!

Bob, I thought you didn't want to become the anus restaurant.

Well, I've embraced it.

We are the anus restaurant, lin.

A-nus! A-nus! Kids.

Bob & kids: A-nus! A-nus! A-nus!

That's right!

Go tell your friends!

Or don't. Either way.

It's your choice.

Hey, you asked for this, lin.

I'm just doing what you wanted me to do, support your sister.

Oh, what a crock of crap!

This is about you and your pride and that Edith.

And you just want to provoke her.

Damn right, I do.

This one big enough for you, Edith?!

(Crazed laughing)

(Laughter grows louder)

(Yells)

Fresh from their triumphant debut at Bob's burgers!

That's right, gallery-quality paintings at sidewalk prices.

Art lover, check this out!

Hey, that's Dr. yap.

He's my dentist.

That's a good likeness in the face, but, uh...

The proportions are off.

No, I... the proportions are right.

Well, I'm getting adult braces.

So?

So I should know!

Dr. yap has short, strong legs, and his torso is...

Well, I'm off to do some more roller-skating!

You know what?

I've done all I can for you hacks.

You refuse to paint touristy art, dad won't let me cut off gene's ear... we're through!

We are through!

I'm dropping you as my clients, and I'm dropping you as my siblings!

Go take some art classes, you wannabes!

Hey, Andy, Ollie.

Hm? Huh?

You, too, red.

Huh?

Come here.

You ever heard of the game, "you guys paint whatever I say and then I sell it"?

Does the winner get a hug from Ollie?

Ah, Andy, you can have one of those any old time.

Now?

Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Mmm...

All right, stop hugging!

Let's paint!

Let's paint shells and sunsets and crap!

Yay! Yay!

Yay!

Attention everyone!

This installation is not approved by the art crawl association.

It's obscene, and should be taken down immediately!

Well, I'll tell you this... it doesn't need to be approved by the art crawl association, because this is now a permanent installation.

(Gasps)

Permanent?

You'll regret this, Bob!

Oh, is that a thr*at?

Oh, when I thr*aten you, you'll know it!

Yeah, when she threatens you, you'll know it!

Okay, was that a thr*at?

You bet it was!

Is that supposed to scare me?

Defi... (Hacking)

(Continues coughing)

Yes.

(Hacking)

You want some water?

He would never drink your water!

I really need s...

(Hacking)

He's fine!

(Phlegmy grunt) You're fine.

(Hoarsely): I could use some water.

You're fine.

Bob, water.

No!

He'd rather die than drink your water!

I wouldn't!

Yes, he would!

I'll drink it!

No, water, Harold!

Please!

Never!

(Screams)

♪ ♪

Edith!

Bob: Unbelievable.

This is nuts.

I can't believe Edith would do this.

(Gayle gasps)

My artwork!

It's ruined!

They painted underpants on my beautiful anuses!

Gayle, Gayle, no need to go off the deep end, okay?

You should be flattered, right?

All the great artists get censored.

They do not.

Yes, yes! All of 'em do.

Every... all the good ones.

Oh, God, what a whirlwind we've been on.

I feel like let's just put this all behind us and move on.

I'm going down there.

What? Where?

To see Edith.

Bobby, don't do anything crazy.

I'm not crazy, they're crazy!

And they're not gonna get away with it!

Glue that shell in the middle, Andy!

What are you doing?!

My hand is cramping up!

I ate too much glue!

Andy, Ollie, come here.

Listen, I'm pushing you because you've got talent, babies.

And I'm gonna take care of you, oh, you better believe it.

But first you've got to make some money for mommy.

Okay, babies?

You, too, red.

What's your name, sweetheart?

Devin McJim...

Shut up!

It doesn't matter!

Stop talking!

Start working!

Work! Shells go in the middle!

Louise: Here you go.

One-of-a-kind original.

Help support these poor, deformed orphans.

20 bucks.

(Strained grunting)

Whoa.

Dad's pissed.

That's a take five.

For me! Not you!

(Strained grunting)

Oh, look, everyone, the town p*rn.

Can it, Edith.

I'm here to get an apology.

For what, standing up for artistic integrity and common decency?

There's nothing decent about what you did.

First you tried to tell me what to put on my walls, then you vandalized it.

Have you no shame?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

And neither does he.

What?

Hit her, dad!

I'm not gonna hit her, Louise.

Hit her, dad!

Gene?

Tina? What are you two doing here?

Learning to paint.

We're honing our craft.

Okay, well, good luck trying to Polish a turd.

Wait, I thought you hated my kids.

My artwork shop is open to all who respect art.

So I'll have to ask you to leave.

Then ask me.

Please leave.

Not before I get an apology.

Not on your life!

Have it your way, art lady!

Hey.

Poke her in the eye with the brush.

Oh, I've got a better idea, Louise.

Ha-ha-ha!

Take that!

(Gasps)

Dad, what is that?

It's an anus.

Others: Oh...

What else would it be?

What has this been all about?

You call that an anus?

It looks just like a black dot!

What kind of anus is that?

Oh!

Well, then, Harold, it looks like I'll need to practice a little more.

I'll say.

How about one right here!

Edith: Oh!

And what about here!

Ow!

This one might need an anus!

Edith: Aah!

How about this lighthouse!

Bob: It has an anus now!

(Gasping)

Looking good, dad.

Thanks, teen.

Rip that lighthouse a new one, dad!

I feel so alive!

This is what God must feel like.

Kids, tell your mother not to wait up!

Use the brown!

Use the brown!

Louise: You should've seen it, mom.

Dad went nuts!

Aw, Bobby, what'd you do?

I got justice, lin.

Dad painted an anus on a lighthouse.

(Laughs) Yeah.

And on a Mountain and on a sunset and on a sailboat...

And on Dr. yap.

And Ken.

Yeah, I'm sorry I painted on your paintings, kids.

They were in the line of fire.

You painted anuses on paintings?

Where's Gayle?

I got to tell her how I stood up for her.

She's in the basement trying to get the underwear off her paintings.

You shouldn't have done it, Bob.

Are you kidding, lin?

It's the best thing I've ever done in my life.

Ow.

See, that's how you put on handcuffs.

They don't look tight enough to me.

Why are these on me?

Because you anally defaced her property.

But she started it... look what she did.

Edith: Oh. I like the new direction and wish I could take credit.

But like I said, I had nothing to do with it.

Yeah, we'll see about that.

I'm pressing charges.

We're gonna take this to court!

Wait, now you're charging her?

This is confusing.

Is dad going to jail?

I'll wait for you.

Word of advice, dad: Don't tell your cell mate what you're in for.

I hope our new dad is a blond.

I can't take it anymore!

Edith didn't paint the underwear! I did it!

(Others gasping)

What? You painted all those underpants, Linda?

Oh, I couldn't help it.

Those anuses were haunting me in my sleep.

(Bouncy classical music playing)

♪ ♪
♪ ♪

Linda: Anus! Anus! Anus!

No...!

You were the one who said we had to support your sister.

I did support her, until I figured out a way to destroy her art while preserving her feelings and blaming someone else.

I thought those looked familiar.

Gene: Oh, yeah!

Mom! You painted your own underwear!

What? How do you know what my underwear looks like?

How don't I know?

She wears it around the house, flaunting it, like she's all that.

I do not!

Okay, Bobby, let's go to jail.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Can't I...

Edith, can't I just pay for the paintings?

Well, the retail value of what you destroyed was over a thousand dollars!

We'll give you $200.

We haven't sold a burger all week, lin.

We don't have that kind of money.

I got this one, dad.

Are we good here?

Fine!

We'll take it.

Me and you can settle up later.

Where the hell'd you get all that money from?

Shh. Don't ask, don't ask.

It's art crawl.

But...

Shh! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shut your mouth. It's art crawl.

What... but I...

Shh! Shut your mouth.

But the m...

Shut your mouth.

I...

I said shut your mouth.

It's art crawl.

Come on, Harold, let's get out of this ass parlor.

It stinks!

O-okay.

You know, Linda, none of this would have happened if you'd just been honest with your sister.

It's true, mom.

I've been honest with these two since the day gene got fat.

I remember the ice cream sandwich that did it.

I regret nothing!

And Tina... bad breath every day.

Not if you like fish.

See how tough they are?

We've been desensitized.

I'm so numb.

All right, from now on, I'm going to be honest with my sister.

She deserves to know the truth.

Gayle: I did it! I did it!

I fixed all the paintings!

I added pants and huge, pendulous breasts.

Oh, I'm so excited!

I think it's my best work ever.

What do you think?

I'm not hearing anything.

Oh, my God.

Gayle, it's beautiful.

They're great. They look great.

Great. Great!

They're great!

Fantastic!

Yes, they are...

Yeah, look at that!

Very, very...

I knew it!

I knew they were great!

Here, you hang these, and I'm gonna go back down and finish the rest of 'em.

Oh, I couldn't do it.

I wouldn't have done it.

There's exceptions to the honesty policy.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, lin, you did the right thing.

Oh, thank you for supporting me.

I want to hug each and every one of you!

Come here, all of you!

Come on! All right.

(Pained grunting)

Oh, I love my family!

I love you!

Let me out of your love jail!

Ow!

(Linda grunting)

(Crickets chirping) Do you think she's coming back?

I don't know.

I'm so cold.

Cut me open and crawl inside me.

One of us should live.

Okay.

Louise: Mama's comin' back, and mama better see some paintings!

(Scream)