04x05 - Turkey in a Can

Louise: Dad, why are you massaging the turkey now?

Maybe it's tense.

I'll make it some tea.

I'm doing a three-day salt rub.

I call it Father of the Brine. Huh?


Thank you.

It's special since we're having Teddy, Mort...

(barking) ...and your Aunt Gayle over.

I don't see why Gayle and her cats have to stay with us all week.

She had to vacate her place because of the fire, Bob.

She put her dental dams in the dryer.

What are dental dams?


Forget it.

Don't say it at school.

Didn't she used to only have one cat?

Ah, she adopted one last week.

And then she found one on her way over here.

She's a cat magnet.

Oh, it was so sad.

He was just sitting... on someone's porch, poor little guy.

Just sittin' there.

Just sitting there in the sun.




Ugh, cat hair.

Take one of the allergy pills I got you!

Well, Dad, I hope you're not allergic to melody and rhythm and sexy lyrics, 'cause our guests are gonna love my Thanksgiving song!


Every year, I try and tell you guys that no one really sings Thanksgiving songs.

You bite your tongue!

Think about it.

Why aren't there any Thanksgiving carols?

I'm gonna write a classic and make a million dollars!

And then I'm gonna buy a car!

I believe in you, Gene.

I'll be in your...

♪ Song...! ♪

Great, but you don't get any of the profits, and I'm going to be very critical.

Ha! I love it!

(keyboard plays gentle tune)

Welp, good luck with your song.

And don't be offended if everyone's talking about how great my turkey is while you're trying to sing.

Sounds like someone's afraid of being upstaged.


You are.

You are.


Oh, God.

Get out of here!

Bob, stop hitting my cats!

And God bless you.

I'm not hitting them!

I'm petting their rear legs.

Tina: Mom?


I need your opinion on something.

Ooh, I love it!

Braveheart meets Coco Chanel!

I need to decide which color I'm wearing when I sit at the adults' table on Thursday.

No, no lipstick, Tina.

You're-you're too young.

And you're sitting at the kids table like you always do when we have guests.

Yup, we sit on the floor at the coffee table and put our vegetables under the couch.

You should look under there.

It's fascinating now!

But I bought pantyhose!

And I've been working on Tina's talking points.

How's this one?

(clears her throat)

"In this economy?"

Oh, provocative!

That's it. I...

You know, I'm in charge of Thanksgiving.

Gene, Linda, no song.


Tina, no adults table.


Louise, whatever you're planning, do not do it.

I need some peace and quiet.

I want to focus on the turkey.

Everyone, just go to bed.

Bob, it's 6:30.

I don't care!

Just go to bed!

You love that turkey more than you love us!

That's right! I do!

I love turkeys!


Now go!

(dog barking)


(birds singing)


(door squeaks open)

What the...?

Oh, my God! No!

Lin! Lin! What? What happened?

What happened? Wha...?

The turkey... it's in the toilet!

What are you talkin' about?

You had a bad dream.

Go back to sleep.

This is not a dream. This is happening.

(Tina yells)


There was something in the toilet, and I sat on it.

It was cold, and now I don't know if I'll ever be able to go to the bathroom again.

Oh, my God, the turkey's in the toilet!

Get off of there!


What the cuss word?!

Who pooped that, and may I apprentice with you?

What is this, a pee-pee party?

You people are fun, all going at once!

Oh, God. Oh. Aah! Aah!

All: Ugh!


Get it out of their litter box!

Quick, Bob!

They're vegetarians!

Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf. I'm gonna b...

Oh, my God, what is happening?!

Okay, so really?

No one is going to confess?


It wasn't me!


It wasn't!

Fine. So, no one, including Louise, wants to admit that they did this?

I'm giving you guys one more chance to confess, and then I'm grounding everyone, including your mom and Gayle.


No, it's fine with me.

I don't have any plans.

Bobby, it wasn't us.

It was Louise. Come on.

Or, uh, maybe Gene.


How dare you?!

I put food in the toilet the way God intended.

It had to be Louise.


Does everyone think I did it?

(all voicing assent)

Well, then, I must be guilty.

That's how it works, right?

Yup. Perfect system.

Well, I have to go get another turkey.

Which means I can only do a two-day brine, which is not as good as a three day-brine!

But I'm not forgetting this.

I will figure out who did it.

Even though I'm pretty sure we all still think it was Louise.

Make sure you save room at Thanksgiving for the words you'll be eating!

Wait. Are you gonna throw that one out?

Yes, Gene, it was soaking in toilet water.

And rolled in cat feces.

Oh, God, I'm gonna barf again.

No, no, no.

Lin, please!

Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf!



Wait a second.

You just got a turkey yesterday.


Turkey number two, huh?

Messed up the first one?

No, it's a long story.

Not so easy to just step into the kitchen, is it?

No, actually, I'm a professional cook.

Yeah. You and me both, right?

Okay, don't mess this one up.

I-I didn't...


I-I didn't mess it up!

Turkey in the toilet?

That's crazy.

It's not that crazy. I've seen crazier things in a toilet.

You wouldn't believe what I've seen.

I've seen a rat wearing a little hat.


Twice. Same rat, different hat.

I got a picture.

Hold on.

Wait. Is this the toilet turkey?

No, I got a new one.

What did you do with the old one?

What do you mean, what did I do? I threw it out.

You threw out a perfectly good turkey?

It wasn't perfectly good, Teddy.

It was in the toilet.


Why does everyone want to eat food from the toilet all of a sudden?

Guys, I found the picture!

Rat in a hat.

Oh, my God. Hmm.

Three days I waited on a stakeout for that rat to come back, and he looks at me... and he looks at me like, "What are you lookin' at?"

Gene: Come on, Mom,

Gayle, focus!

We've only got two days left to make a Thanksgiving song that will be passed down for generations.

And a one, and a two.

I don't know about these lyrics.

What?! Gayle, you are a guest here.

You will sing what you are given.

No, Gene, Gayle's right.

This song's kind of meh.

It needs a little gravy.

(gasps) That's it!

No one's done a song about gravy.

Think about it.

Hmm. Gravy. Rhymes with wavy, oopsie daisy, Patrick Swayze.

All right, I'm in!

Anyone mind if I turn on the news?

Aah! I'm okay.

You fell like a real lady.

Thank you, young man.

(clears throat)

Hello, hi.


Hi, Gayle. You look great.

Louise, look at you.

Did you do your hair?


Love it.

Gene. Hi.

What a nice shirt you're wearing.

Thank you.


I just want to say that I've calmed down from this morning, and in the spirit of the holidays, whoever did this, I am granting you a full pardon.

Oh, I really thought that would work.

Seriously, who put the turkey in the toilet?!

(laughing): Oh, Dad. If I may.

I've taken the liberty of drawing up a little chart here.

Let's review our suspects.

Tina. She'd stop at nothing for some grownup stuffing.

Did her table envy drive her over the edge?



He thinks there's only room for one bird at this table.

A song bird.



Louise: Or was it Gayle?

Dad went after her cats, she went after his turkey.

Classic revenge tale.


Louise: Or maybe, maybe Linda.

Oh, sweet Linda.

A long-suffering wife stuck in a bad marriage.

Aw, poor thing!


What? I got caught up in the story. She's good.

And that leaves Louise, who had no motive at all.

Thank you. The end.

Thank you.

What an imagination on this one, huh? Kids. Mmm.

So, do you know who did it?

Oh. No. Uh-uh.

Then what's the point of all this?

Hold on. I just had an idea.

Was it you, Gayle?!

Huh? Confess!

Damn it, Gayle!


Or you?! Confess!

You're guilty as hell! (grunts)


What? Stop.


This isn't working.

I guess I'll just never trust any of you again, forever, for as long as I live.

Another great family meeting!

Good night, everyone!

Good night!

Good night, Bob!

Night, night!

Good night, Dad!

Do you want my charts to take into your room for review?

No. Just go to bed then.



(bird singing)


(yelling): No!

Okay, fun's over!

I want a name!


Oh, come on!

You know I don't go into the bathroom at night because of the shower ghost.

Ah, that's him!

It's got to be Tina!

Tina wouldn't do something this immature.

I accept your invitation to sit at the adults' table.

No, Tina.

Maybe it was me!

Was it?

No. I just started to feel left out.

I don't know, Gayle.

You are really... weird.

That's true.

Come on, it wasn't Gayle.

Is that a confession, Mom?

What? That's crazy.

Well, you aren't always the most trustworthy person, Linda.

What!? Me!?

Yes, you.

That time you changed the channel when I was out of the room.

What are you talking about?

Oh, don't play innocent!

It was Quantum Leap, and I'll never know where he leapt!

You know where he leapt.


Gene, stop!

We need to get rid of the body!

What if someone sees?



Hi, uh, I need two turkeys, please.

Oh. You again.

Uh... yeah.

Look, I think I know what's going on here and, uh...

I'm flattered, but I'm in a relationship.

What? Oh, no, no.

I'm not trying to... Hey, hey.

Listen, Daddy, don't you let one rejection keep you from getting out there. You seem great.

Okay, thanks.

There's a whole group of guys out there who don't care about what guys look like.

Uh... could I just get my turkey, please?

You know, I got a friend... he's into Sloppy Bears.

Wha-What's a Sloppy Bear?

You know, you got the muffin top, you got food on your shirt.

God, I... I do. Let me set you up.

I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna write down their number on the receipt.

You take it, and you do what you want.

No, no, no, I think you have the wrong idea.

I'm not interested in a gay... yeah.

Uh-huh, I know, you're not interested.

In a relationship.

That's cool. Here's the number.

I'll talk to you later.

Get out of here!

Linda: Bob! Who is it?

It's me. Open up.


Come on!

No! Come on! No.

I need to get into the bedroom.

My armpits need a second coat of deodorant.

I need to re-odorize.

I stink!

Ugh. I don't know.

Bobby, you're being crazy.

Uh... fine, but close your eyes.

Bobby, what are you doing?

Hey, I said, eyes closed.

You know my eyes don't completely close.

I'm sorry, but I can't trust anyone.

Oh, Bob, what's with the two turkeys?


Hey! You calm down!

Now, come on, stop it.

Okay, I'll tell you, but you can't tell anyone.

Oh, I won't!

Who would I tell?

Come on, it's me!

Okay, one's a decoy turkey for the upstairs fridge.

The real turkey will be downstairs in the walk-in.

Ha, ha!


It's a good plan, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I thought of it.

You, my smart guy.


Devious little turkey roaster in the bedroom.

Well, well, maybe a little bit.

You want to mess around?

What? I don't know, all these turkeys... it makes me horny.

Well, not, not right now, Lin, no.

You sure?

Okay, maybe a little.

That's my boy.

(both moaning)

Ooh, ooh, I really do need deodorant.

Yeah, you really do.

Whew, I stink.


Put your face in it.

No, I don't want... Come on, put your face in it, put your face in it.

I don't... no, I don't want to go there. Put your face in it.

It's coming at you.

All right, get out.


(door opens)

Tina: Oh, no, Dad.

No, no, no, no, no, I fell asleep.

Sorry for your loss.

No, Tina, I'm sorry for whoever thought they could ruin Thanksgiving.

Follow me to the walk-in.




Tina: A turkey in every toilet.

Only in America, huh, guys?

It was you, Lin, it's been you all along.

Say it.

No, Bobby, no, it wasn't me.

You were the only one who knew about the second turkey.

It had to be you.

I knew about the second turkey.



You know I tell Gayle everything, Bobby.

She's my sister.

It's true, I know everything, like that time you peed in the theater during Jerry Maguire.

I didn't want to miss any of it!

Mom told me, too.

About peeing during Jerry Maguire or the turkey?


Mom and I shop together.

We don't have any secrets.

So all three of you knew?

Louise and I knew, too.

Mom's like a vault that's constantly open and constantly talking.

Hey, I told you guys not to tell anyone I told you.

Okay, Thanksgiving is officially canceled.

For everyone or just for our family?


No, Lin, I've had it.

Thanksgiving's ruined.

There's no time to do the Father of the Brine on a new turkey, plus I'm way over the Thanksgiving budget.

This is the worst Thanksgiving ever.

Okay, calm down.

No, I will not calm down!

(sneezes, groans)

Hey, let's all forget about Thanksgiving and move on to Christmas.

I'll go get the decorations.

No, you know what?

I take it back.

I'm not canceling Thanksgiving. Yay.

Whoever's doing this, I'm not going to let you win!

Thanksgiving is back on!

There will be a turkey, a stupid saltless turkey.

You can put a turkey in a toilet, but you can't put me in a toilet!

It kind of sounds like you want us to try to put you in a toilet.

No, Louise, I don't want to be put in a toilet.

Okay, but it sounded like that.

It did sound like that, Bob.

Let's try... one, two, three.


Hey, you again, huh?

Oh, hey, you again and me, yep.

I-I just, uh, I came for a, uh...

I suppose you want another "turkey."

Yes, that's exactly what I want... a turkey.

I didn't come for anything el...

Okay, fine, you wore me down.

Damn it.


Things are not going great with Tony.

Haven't been great with Tony for a long time, you know?

Tony's hot, but maybe it's time for me to just settle.

Look... uh, no, no, no.

Look at me, I'm nothing.

You, you love Tony, stay with Tony.

I'm so sick of Tony and his dancing.

Oh, no, I d... I don't know Tony, but I-I assume it's great.

It's not great with Tony. You should definitely stay with Tony.

No, no, no.

Yo, I'm taking my break!

Oh, my God, we're doing this.

No, we're not.

Hey, what do you want to do?

I don't... nothing.

You want to go to the beach, huh?

No, maybe... wait, I'm straight.

I mean, I'm mostly straight.

Let's grab a coffee.

You should call Tony.

No, let's just have s*x!

Ah, God, this feels so great!

I should just... sorry, I got to go cook this.

Also I'm married, but if I wasn't...

Who am I kidding?

You're out of my league.

It would never work.

What are you talking about?

I really got to go.

I'm gonna see you tomorrow.

Probably not.

I'll call you.


It's almost too obvious.

The table looks beautiful, Linda.

Whoa, candles shaped like little pilgrims.

Those can't be cheap.

Yes, Linda, what a lovely spread.

Oh, interesting, Teddy, looks like you're over here.

Okay, where am I?

Tina, Teddy isn't sitting at the kids' table, honey, no.

It's okay, Lin, it'll be like I'm eating at a Japanese restaurant.

I'll take my shoes off.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

Bob: Ha, I did it, I did it!

What, Bob, what did you do?

I cooked a turkey!

Oh, wow.

This guy's always fishing for compliments.

Turkey's done.

Okay, everyone sit...

Tina, not you.

You thought you could stop me, but you can't.

Oh, hello, everybody.

One of you must be very unhappy to see this.

Bob, you look terrible.

Yeah, because I was up all night trying to stop a turkey murderer.

Okay, before I serve the turkey...

Wait, Tina, what are you doing?

I'm standing at the adults' table?

Tina, go sit down at the kids' table.

Fine, I'll go check in on the little ones.

I'm great with them.

So, as I was saying, to the terrorist who tried to stop me from serving this, I want it on the record that turkey was served on this day!

(Louise clears throat)

But, but, before we do that, I need to serve some justice because I know who put the turkey in the toilet.

♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun! ♪

Oh, my God, she's got it, she's got it. Peas and carrots...

At first I wondered, who could be mad enough at Dad to do such a thing?

I mean, sure, no one likes him.


And he smells.

But then I realized that I was looking at the wrong motive.

The person who put the turkeys in the toilet was actually angry at me!

Oh, my God.

What are we doing?

You see, this person knew that I would be blamed and potentially punished for this heinous crime.

So, was it Mom?

Don't think so.

Correct, it was not.

Was it Gayle?

I don't know.

No, it wasn't.


Which brings us to Gene and Tina.

At first I actually believed that Gene was too scared of the shower ghost to go into the bathroom at night, and I believed Dad's theory that Tina was too mature to do something like this.

If she was acting alone.

But what if... they were working together?!

I knew it.

I can see it.

That one's got crazy eyes.

Tina: Gene taking the turkey out of the refrigerator each night and passing it to Tina, who dropped it in.

Yes! They worked together to frame me because I have been slowly stealing their allowances over the last five years.

Wait, you have?

You have?

Yes... wait, you guys didn't know that?

No. No.

Oh, never mind 'cause I haven't been.


Oh, good.

Okay, uh, and now, before we eat... wait, no one eat... we... Teddy, drop it!

We would like to present our Thanksgiving song.

No, Lin, it's time to cut the tur...

Yay, all right.

Get over here, Gene, hit it, come on.

A one, two, three, four.

♪ A ding, a ding ♪
♪ A-what's that sound? ♪
♪ It's the gravy boat ♪

Both: ♪ A-comin' around ♪
♪ It's not a navy boat ♪
♪ It's the gravy boat ♪
♪ Filled with bravery ♪
♪ Savory sailor folk ♪
♪ Sailors in your mouth ♪
♪ Sailors in your mouth. ♪

(Bob snoring)


Hey, Bobby.




Bob, come back.

What are you...?


He's taking the turkey.

Huh, is this part of the show?

Are we supposed to grab something?

No, no, no.

I'm getting the potatoes.

Wait for me, Bobby. No, n-n-n-no.

Wait for me, Bobby.



What the...?

Dad's a sleepwalker?

Not normally.

Should we wake him?

Never wake a sleepwalker; They could get violent.

And whatever you do, don't give him an ax.

What, an ax? Why would we give him an ax?


Let's give him an ax!

Okay, Tina, do you have to go pee-pee or poo-poo?

Oh, my God, he thinks the turkey's Tina.

Why does Dad think I'm a turkey?

Your cocky strut.

I don't know, unless...

(gasps) He must be remembering toilet-training you.


Yeah, there it is...

Tina's poo-poo potty.

All right, who's a big girl?

He potty-trained all you kids.

I couldn't stomach it.

(gagging): The stinky babies.

Just the thought of it.

My dad toilet-trained me.

It was the worst seven years of my life... seven to 14.

I like to think I trained the toilet.

It didn't teach me anything.

Oh, stinky.

Oh, it's kind of sweet.

Oh, my God, there goes the stuffing.

Oh, God, oh, God.

Wow, Tina, you really had to go.

Aah, we're losing stuffing!

Oh, it's nice.


You have to stop him before he drops the turkey in.

Okay. Aah!

No, don't wake him.


Ow, what-what's going on?

No! Hold his arms and legs so he can't attack.

Give me some help here!

Ah, Dad, if you're still asleep, can I borrow a hundred bucks?

Can I get a neck tattoo?

Let go of me!

It's for your own good!


What's happening?

Who's fighting me?

It's your friend!

(grunts) No, no, no, no, no, bad kitties.

It's the end of the world!

Go on, get, get, go!

It's for your own good, Bobby!

Aah, let go!

Finally something to be thankful for!

Linda: It was the allergy pills.

Says right here.

"Side effects include sleepwalking, sleep talking, "night terrors, and dry mouth.

"Contact your doctor if you lose vision or if your heart stops beating."


That doesn't explain why Dad kept dreaming about toilet-training me.

Yeah, the same dream over and over.

It's got to mean something, like the time I dreamt about a dolphin and I woke up and my bed was on fire.

What did that dream mean?

Just that I didn't have balance in my life...

I was spending too much time at work.

Also, I shouldn't leave matches right by my bed.

I had just gone to the aquarium; It probably had something to do with that.

Oh, my God, Bobby, don't you see?

You were worried about Tina growing up 'cause she wanted to sit at the adults' table.

You see how it works?

Ooh, Dad loves Tina.

I knew it.

It's okay, Dad, even if I sit at the adults' table, I'll still be your little girl.

Just because I've got the hang of pooping and peeing in the potty doesn't mean I don't need your help with other things, like homework or faxing.

I don't know how to fax.

Mom, can you help me fax something right now?

It's okay, Tina, I know you've got to grow up sometime.

Just maybe no lipstick yet.


And no panty hose.

I don't think anyone still wears those, right?

Not in this economy.

Tina. Aw, I love my little family.

Come here, family hug, come here, aw.

You, too, Gayle.

That's nice.

Come on, come on, yeah, here we go.

Hey, Teddy, Mort, come on, what are you doing?

Come over here. I can see from here.

What the hell?

(overlapping chatter)

Ow, Teddy, why are you hugging so hard?

Because I'm full of love, Bob.


Okay, Gene, time to go poo-poo.



♪ A ding, a ding ♪
♪ A-what's that sound? ♪
♪ It's the gravy boat ♪

Both: ♪ A-comin' around ♪
♪ It's not a navy boat ♪
♪ It's the gravy boat ♪
♪ Filled with bravery ♪
♪ Savory sailor folk ♪
♪ Stuffing sailors disembark ♪
♪ Fill our plates and fill our hearts ♪
♪ Sailors in your mouth, sailors in your mouth ♪
♪ That's what Thanksgiving is all about. ♪