01x11 - Christmas

Al right, you take the skinny one on the right, and I'll take the big one on the left.

NYPD! Santa, stop hitting Santa.

What's going on here?

I've been on this corner for six years.

Suddenly, this guy shows up.

Santa ♪2: Hey, you don't own this corner. I got a charity too.

Canine diabetes? Who cares about fat dogs?

They can't give themselves shots, they got paws.

All right. Calm down, calm down.

Jake: Boyle, frisk the skinny one.

I've gone 42 years without a lump of coal.

I'm not gonna start now.

Are you kidding me?

All right, fine. Come here, buddy.

[Yells]

Hey, hey, hey!

Hit him in his fat cherry cheeks.

Ooh!

Ugh, that felt wrong.

Knife!

Skinny Santa's got a knife!

Ahh!

That's right. Boom!

Just kicked Santa in the testicles.

Merry Christmas.

Looking good. Happy Hanukkah.

You look happy.

Let me guess.

Your egg sandwich fell on the floor and they gave it to you for free.

No. Can you do that?

Why doesn't everyone just drop their sandwiches on the floor?

[Sighs] I was trying to insult you.

And instead, you gave me an amazing life hack.

Oh, Amy, you shouldn't have. But this is embarrassing.

I didn't get you a present.

The gift is for Captain Holt.

It's one of six presents I got him representing the six lessons that he's taught me: Determination, wisdom, posture...

Excuse me, everyone.

As you may know, this is the holiday season.

Detectives sometimes feel the urge to buy their captains holiday presents.

Please refrain from doing so.

Under no circumstances do I want a present.

Peralta, my office.

Jake: Roger that!

Oh, my God, I have to return so many items.

[Whispering] I know.

Shut up.

Thank you for joining us, Peralta.

This is deputy chief Gerber.

Ah, merry Christmas, chief.

And a very merry Christmas to you, Captain.

Ho, ho, ho!

Gerber: Captain Holt has received a number of death threats.

Oh.

I really came in here with the wrong energy.

Captains receive meaningless threats all the time.

It's really no big deal.

Of course, totally.

I mean, why would a death threat be a big deal?

Oh, that's right. 'Cause it threatens death.

It's a hoax.

I didn't wanna alarm the squad.

So, please, keep this between us.

Awesome. I'm great at secrets.

Santiago got you like six presents.

Well, it may be a hoax, but protocol dictates that Captain Holt have a security detail with him at all times.

He's chosen you for that detail.

Interesting.

And not at all surprising. I'm his favorite.

Tell me, what would this job entail?

You'll be assigned to Captain Holt. Uh-huh.

You'll be entirely in control of his movements. Amazing.

He will not leave your sight. [Sighs]

You have the authority to make decisions that you feel are in the best interest of his safety.

Oh, my God.

Basically you'll be completely in charge.

Oh, well, it sounds really tough, but of course I accept, and I will be willing to put my life at risk for this man to have to follow all of my orders.

Thank you! This is the best Christmas ever.

God bless us, everyone!

Hey, my flight is at 8:00 tonight.

It's domestic.

You think I'll be safe if I get to the airport five hours early?

Five? No way!

You gotta do seven. Seven minimum.

Seven. I knew it. Yep.

Why are you going on a singles cruise?

I thought you were into Rosa.

Well, I am.

But I've begun to feel like there's a slight chance Rosa may not love me back.

Hey, how about we grab some dinner tonight, just you and me?

That's nice, and I like you as a person, but I'm just not interested in you...

Romantically.

Coolio!

Hey, what say you we grab a drink?

You're starting to make this weird.

I'm not into you that way, and I have a boyfriend.

Got you. Rain check.

A rose... for Rosa.

Listen to me!

The healthy thing for you to do is move on.

So we both decided the healthy thing for me to do is to just move on.

I'm impressed, Charles. That's very mature.

Thanks. You know what's funny?

I realized I sometimes... Oh, no, don't get comfy.

This wasn't an invitation to keep talking.

Gotcha. Rain check on the convo.

Yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

Peralta's busy, so let's just get started.

Now, the Captain won't allow us to give him all the presents we bought him.

You are the only one that did that.

But we can make him the greatest Christmas card of all time.

We're gonna Santa hats and big sweaters and take a picture of us all in a lineup.

Terry: I'm sorry, Santiago, but I don't have time for that.

My psych evaluation is today.

They're gonna decide if I'm ready to make it back on the streets.

Why do you care what they think?

Psychologists are just people who weren't smart enough to be psychics.

Amy: Don't worry, sergeant. We'll add you in later.

[Charles sighs]

Sorry, I gotta go too. My flight is in...

Ah, eight hours.

I can make it.

I'll buy a sandwich on the plane.

Boyle!

So if Peralta, Boyle, and the sergeant are out...

Fine, everyone just go.

Yeah.

I could take a pic of myself dressed up as an elf.

Elfie-selfie.

Not that...

But I think there is something you could help me with.

You gonna sit there all day?

Affirmative, stone eagle.

That's the Secret Service codename I gave you.

Just sitting here doing my job, watching, protecting, bossing you around.

Now, for your safety, if you could open up your lnternet browser and search the words "pigs" and "jet skis," and that's an order.

[Holt sighs]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Where you going, Cold Mountain?

I changed your codename.

To use the restroom.

I'm only asking this for your safety.

Is it a number one or a number two?

Your silence indicates number two.

Let me do some recon. [Grunts]

It's all clear, sir.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Cold Mountain is on the move.

I repeat, Cold Mountain is rolling to the can.

Sergeant Jeffords, thank you for coming in today.

We are here to assess your readiness for active duty, and if all goes I will stamp this release form, you can go back in the field.

Well, I think I'm ready.

I am no longer fixating on my fears, ha.

Good. But for today, let's... fixate on those fears.

Okay. Um...

That sounds fun.

Let's begin by talking about your baby girls and your wife, and what would happen to them if you died...

In the line of duty.

I popped your pillow.

Jake: Captain...

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going home to work in peace.

That's a negative, ice veins. Changed your codename again.

Do you know why I chose you to be my security escort?

Because I'm a modern-day Sherlock Holmes?

No, I chose you because the threat is not real.

Mm-hmm.

And I thought you'd have no problem breaking the rules and letting me get my work done.

Now... let me go.

Well, you thought wrong.

You can't go home. It's protocol.

But if you really wanna get outta here, you can come to my mom's.

She lives nearby.

Or I can lock you up in the holding cell with an armed escort.

Totally your call.

Fine. We will go to your mother's house.

I guess I am curious to see where...

This all started.

Shotgun.

So... this is my mom's place.

You can just throw your jacket in the closet.

That's a bathroom.

Water closet. My mom's British.

Hmm.

Why are there no photographs of you?

No holiday decorations.

Nothing but...

Motel art.

This isn't your mom's apartment.

It's a safe house, son! You've been protected.

Don't say "son."

Get outta my way.

Look, you wouldn't stay at your desk and you evaded your protection detail.

I'm sorry, but I've gotta order you to stay.

I love giving you orders.

The only way you're gonna keep me here is if you physically stop me.

Can you do that, Peralta?

[Indistinct mumbling]

I didn't think so.

Jordan. Ahh!

Jake: Oh, no.

We're handcuffed together and we've lost the key.

Falconer one to HQ, stone eagle is in the cage.

I repeat, stone eagle is in the cage.

I told you the death threat was not serious.

So what on earth are you doing?

Look, I know you think that I'm just goofing around, but I got a direct order from your boss to protect you.

So from this point forward, we're on lockdown.

Fine. But before we go into lockdown...

Too late. You're on it.

I'd like to text my husband and tell him I'll be coming home late tonight.

All right, but for security reasons,

I get to craft the message.

Let's start with a pleasant greeting.

How about... "Hello, honey."

You will not craft the message.

Okay, Roger that. "Honey's" wrong.

How about "hello, husband"?

How about "hello, sir"?

You call each other "sir"? Give me my phone.

Fine.

I'll give you some privacy.

Maybe put Hitchcock's head on top like an angel.

Mm.

Gina: Like that?

No, put it behind the tree.

Amy: Thanks for helping me make this card.

You're so good at this stuff.

[Laughs] I know. I'm good at everything.

All right, so here's all the pictures of Rosa that we have.

Which one should we use?

[Groans] She never smiles. Is her mouth broken?

Well, what about if we...

Flip those lips?

Oh, God. Oof!

Gina: That's horrifying.

We have to get a picture of Rosa smiling.

Holt's card has to be perfect.

Guys... I got this.

I can make Rosa smile.

Just keep your cameras ready.


Making coffee?

Can you make another cup for senor tickle and his nueve amigos?

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

What the hell, Hitchcock? Ow, ahh! Ow, ow, ow!

I think you sprained senor tickle.

Next time, I break it off.

[Hitchcock whimpers]

Ow!

All right.

My safe house, my rules.

This is a no tie zone.

A hungry safe house is an unsafe safe house.

A fun safe house is a safe safe house.

My serve.

Ah.

I thought you said you've never played this.

It's very intuitive.

Let's have another sandwich.

A safe house- watching safe house is a safe safe house house.

I've already seen the film.

I enjoyed it.

Wow, I would not have guessed that.

You see, those are the kind of things that you learn when you're handcuffed together.

And that is the true meaning of Christmas.

[Knocking on door]

Who knows we're here?

Get behind me.

No, no! Going over!

Standard protocol suggests that you put me in another room before you open the door.

But since you've cuffed us together...

I order you to be quiet. [Sighs]

Come on.

Freeze, sicko! Ah!

Jake, it's me, Charles from work.

Okay, let's switch gears, do a little word association.

What do you think of when I say the word "bottle"?

Liquor store, holdup, gun, die.

How about "grass"?

Marijuana, drugs.

Gun, die.

Cat.

Kitten.

Cute.

Calm. False sense of security.

Gun, die.

What are you doing?

You gonna stamp my form?

No. I just didn't want the ink to dry out.

Boyle, what are you doing here?

I thought you had to catch a flight.

I do. My flight is in six hours.

But the Captain texted me to come, so I'm here. What?

You texted Boyle when you told me you were texting your husband?

As the person who's completely in charge here, I am very disappointed in you.

I'm changing your codename to "bad boy."

Oh, I can't imagine what it's like to be disappointed at someone under your command.

Okay, I see what you're doing. Tushy.

It's touche.

Well, I'm in charge, and I say it's tushy.

Boyle?

I've heard it both ways.

Please don't involve me in this.

I'm just here to uncuff the Captain and take him to his old precinct.

What?

Old precinct? Wait a minute.

You weren't going home at all.

You were going to investigate the threat because it's not a hoax, it's real!

Wrong, it's not real. You're lying!

You have a tell.

When you lie, the corner of your mouth moves, and it just moved.

[Slowed down] Wrong, it's not real.

You're lying!

Fine.

I believe the threat is real, though I'm not sure who's behind it.

But this is my problem, and I'm gonna solve it on my own.

Boyle, uncuff me. Don't do it, Charles.

I'll take you on that trip to the botanical gardens we've always talked about.

Uncuff me, and that's a direct order.

Don't do it, best friend. Botanical gardens.

Ah! This is just like Christmas at my parents' house.

Why do they have separate dining rooms?

[Scoffing] I...

Both: No!

Jake: That was not one of the options!

I couldn't choose, I love you both so much.

Who wants to watch safe house?

So, including letters, e-mails, and texts from a blocked phone, we have received ten threats.

How many people have you put away that might want you dead?

I've arrested over 600 people.

Brag.

Boyle, will you please read the transcripts of the threats he's received?

Yup.

"Die, die, die." "Die, Holt, die."

Okay, a little obvious.

"You will drown in your own blood."

Better.

Although I would've gone with the whole, "I'm gonna staple my face onto your face" thing.

Human skin mask. Classic.

The next one is "I'm gonna send you off the deep end."

"Drowning" and "deep end."

Almost sounds like he's talking about a swimming pool.

It's Haimes.

Aha! Who's Haimes?

Colin Haimes, the freestyle killer.

He took out an entire 4x100 meter relay swim team in 1982.

Marco.

[Cocks gun]

Now you say "polo," punk.

The freestyle killer.

Man! How come all the killers you've caught had such cool names?

The best name I ever brought in was "narrow shoes" Sam, because... his shoes were narrow and his name was Sam.

I get it. Yeah, you get it.

Well, Captain, it looks like you needed our help after all.

Together, we figured out it was Haimes, and together, we're gonna take him down.

Because together, we can do anything.

Here we go!

I'm finding Haimes alone.

Coming back at you, Jake!

Oh, my God, Rosa!

I accidentally opened your mail, but look what it says.

"Dear miss Diaz, you just won..."

Rosa, guess what.

I accidentally opened your mail, and here's what it says.

"Dear miss Diaz, you just won..."

No, I'm reading the letter, and you're taking the picture.

What?

Ha!

You were trying to get me to smile for your dumb picture, but you messed up.

Ah! She smiled. She's smiling!

And no one has a camera. [Sighs]

[Camera clicks] Got it, Amy.

Got a picture of you frowning.

That's what you wanted, right?

[Horn honking]

Peralta, for the last time we don't have to go back to the precinct.

I don't need everyone's help.

Look, Captain, you're stubborn.

And that's an adorable quality.

You wanna know what's not an adorable quality?

Being dead. Acne.

Yep, being dead.

I mean, I give up.

What's going on with you?

Why are you being so weird about this?

I don't need your help.

I don't wanna involve you, or Boyle, or anyone.

Because I brought this situation on myself.

No one should get hurt because of a dumb mistake I made as a brash, young Detective.

Hey, Haimes.

You're gonna spend the rest of your life in a little cement room, doing nothing.

And while you're in there, I'm gonna go for a swim.

And after that swim, I might take another swim.

And you'll just be sitting there on your metal toilet, thinking of me swim, swim, swimming all day long.

When I get out of lockup, I'm gonna hunt you down and kill you.

Yeah. [Laughs]

Right.

Wow.

I think I really would've gotten along with young Ray Holt.

Yes, that's why I decided to change everything about my life.

Well, frankly, sir, you're still acting like that brash, dumb Detective.

If you had truly changed, you'd be saying a bunch of boring, responsible stuff, like...

"Don't be stupid.

"Use the Detective squad. You're part of a team.

I smell like sandalwood."

That's what it is!

Yet another terrible impression, Peralta.

But I think you're right.

Wait, what?

Sir, I'm sure you had your reasons for going to Peralta, but...

This is exactly the type of job I would love to have.

Okay, the next time someone threatens to kill me, I'll come straight to you.

Thank you, sir.

I can't wait.

I... didn't mean...

Let's catch this b*st*rd.

All right, let's go! Updates. Santiago.

Looking into Haimes' associates. Nothing yet.

Boyle?

Uh, some intel coming in from ossining.

Haimes was released two weeks ago.

Good. Hitchcock and Scully, update on your secret project?

Hazelnut coffee'll be up in five minutes.

Sumatran's ready to go.

Keep me updated.

Warrant for the phone trace came through.

We got Haimes' number...

And the last coordinates from its GPS.

The rail yards.

All right, we got him. Everyone suit up!

I know there's no point in telling you not to come, but while we're out there, you're sticking with me.

Oh. Goodie.

Man, you really know how to take the fun out of saving your life.

You heard him, Hitchcock.

Get that Sumatran in the thermos.

I'm on it.

[Train whistle blares]

If things go south, I just want you to know it's been an honor being able to boss you around.

Anything else?

Yes. What cute little nickname do you call your husband?

Kevin.

Adorable.

Rosa: Sorry you missed your flight.

I have a backup flight in four hours.

Gotta flush him out.

We got his number now. Call his phone.

Smart.

[Line trilling] It's ringing.

This is exciting.

[Melodic ringtone]

That is Haimes' phone.

I repeat, everyone converge on that ringtone.

He's heading north on track 17!

Hey.

When this is all over, we should take a train trip together.

Just for fun.

[Gunshots]

Go, go, go, go, go!

Ray Holt!

Hello, Haimes.

Thought about you every day I was in jail just like you said.

I thought about pointing a gun at you and pulling the trigger.

Kinda like this. Noooo!

[Terry grunting]

Terry's back!

Terry's back!

We got him.

Nice work, Jeffords.

Nice work, Peralta.

Captain, you're doing it.

You're emoting.

[Laughs]

Rosa on radio: I need an ambulance. Boyle's down.

Ah, what happened? Am I dead?

You saved my life.

Die, pig!

Charles: Don't!

Ahhh!

[Grunts]

Oh, my butt!

Oh, my butt.

He's gonna be fine. You can see him in a minute.

[Sighs] Thank you.

Sarge, I'm so glad that shrink cleared you.

Mm, more or less.

And time's up.

Show me how Terry sees Terry.

Oh, no.

Yeah, it's pretty bad. [Door opens]

Sergeant! Excuse me, we are...

Yeah, can it, quack.

Captain Holt needs your help. His life is in danger.

Therapist: Oh, sergeant...

I do not think that you're ready.

I'm ready.

Mm-kay, bye!

I owe you one.

Boyle got shot because of me.

This is exactly the kind of thing I was hoping to avoid.

Captain, this is our job.

Any one of us would've taken that bullet.

I'm sorry I've been so difficult.

You were right.

We couldn't have caught him without the team.

Well, well, well.

It appears the student has become the teacher.

And the teacher hath become... That's enough.

Okay.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Team pop and lock. Here we go!

Whoosh!

Come on, still? We saved your life!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's happening! Whoa, whoa!

Yes! We did it!

[Laughter]

Excuse me!

This is a hospital.

Jake: Right. Sorry.

People are dying.

You know, everyone should just go home and enjoy their Christmas.

You don't need to stick around here for me.

Shut up, no one's going anywhere.

What you did was amazing.

Yeah, Boyle, that was some superman stuff.

Yeah, you did the nine-nine proud.

No ifs, ands, or butts.

Sorry, it's just right there. Literally.

It's just right in front of me. His butt is right in my face.

I have to tell you guys something.

Even though I got shot...

In the butt. Sorry.

Charles: I'd rather be here, spending Christmas with all of you, than on some stupid singles cruise.

And I mean that, from the bottom of my...

Butt. Again, sorry.

Ow! Shut up, Jake!

Boyle's a hero.

And so is his butt.

[Camera clicks]

I got it! She smiled!

Christmas card complete.

He got shot in the butt.