01x14 - The Ebony Falcon

Morning, Scully. How was your weekend?

Oh, fun. Kelly and I hit the park, went for a long walk.

Fell asleep watching TV.

Oh. Sounds like a fun weekend with Kelly.

So, Kelly. Is that Scully's wife or his dog?

Uh... Wait.

No one knows Scully's wife's name?

I think Kelly is his dog.

Went for a long walk. That's what you do with a dog.

You can go on a long walk with a person.

At sunset.

Talking about nothing. And everything.

Sounds awful. Hit the park. That's a dog.

My wife takes the babies to the park all the time.

All right, we're doing this.

Let's play "wife or dog."

Hey, so Scully, what do you do at the park with Kelly?

Oh, we just walk around.

She gets antsy if she doesn't get outside enough.

And then it's just yap, yap, yap, all day long.

Charles: Hey, what's Kelly's favorite food?

Peanut butter. She'll eat it right out of the jar.

How old is Kelly again?

Well, she's getting up there, but she's pretty spry for her age.

Especially considering she got hit by that car a year ago.

Oh, that's so awful.

Was she chasing something into the street, or...

No. Just getting me the newspaper.

All right, this is useless.

Scully, is Kelly your wife or your dog?

How can you ask me that?

I still don't know which it is.

Could be either. I could not tell you.

Holt: Okay, what do you got?

Yup.

Oh, sir, are you looking for your glasses?

I borrowed them to do an impression of you.

It killed.

Peralta, give me my glasses.

Peralta, give me back my glasses.

Okay.

All right, lay out the steroids case.

It's a major operation.

And one of the biggest black market distributors in all of Brooklyn.

And it's centered at a gym called Brooklyn total body.

The center of our investigation is a guy named Brandon jacoby.

He did seven years at Rikers for assault.

[Screams]

We spent two weeks undercover infiltrating the gym.

"Gym-filtrating" it. I coined that.

I think it'll really catch on if more people infiltrated gyms.

We believe that jacoby can link us to the distributors, but he only talks to trainers and other muscle heads.

So we want to bring in the sarge.

His name will be Trent Carter.

A personal trainer, bouncer, and assistant manager at petsmart.

It's the economy. What can you do?

Gentlemen, have a seat.

Sergeant Jeffords is just getting back in the field.

What if he panics again?

Why is everyone so worried about the sarge?

I mean, he saved your life at the rail yard.

Okay. It's your case.

But if anything goes wrong, it's on you.

Trust me, the sergeant will be fine.

If you want to worry about anyone panicking in the field it should be Boyle.

Damn straight.

Wait, why'd high five that?

'Cause you're a sucker for a high five.

Damn straight I am.

Captain, I need a favor.

My apartment got broken into last night.

Gina, that's terrible. Are you okay?

I'm fine, but I suffered the loss of many treasured items.

Such as my grandma's jewelry, some cash, and this very fancy gown with, like, a magic eye print.

Do you have any connections in the FBI or CIA?

There's no one else I can turn to to solve this crime.

Gina, you work in a police precinct.

You can turn to anyone here.

You think these buffoons can help?

They're buffoons.

They are not buffoons.

Try the heel.

Still don't feel anything.

Awesome. I wish I had nerve damage.

Some of them are buffoons.

But I'll find the non-buffoons to investigate.

Could you ask Scully to return my thumbtacks?

I already put 'em in a biohazard bag and tossed 'em in the furnace.

Good call.

You ready, sarge?

I was born ready.

And then I was not born ready for a while, but now I'm back to being born ready.

Yes! The ebony falcon soars again.

The ebony falcon.

His feathers are muscles.

Let's talk strategy later tonight at my house.

My wife's working late, I'm on daddy duty.

But you're ready for this, right?

Absolutely.

I just need to put my precious babies to bed with a story.

The ebony falcon needs to read go, dog, go.

Yeah, he does.

Terry Jeffords is back! Chest bump me.

You don't want to do this, man.

No, I really do.

It hurts you every time.

No, I know, but I'm fired up.

The adrenaline is gonna carry me through.

Here we go.

[Grunts]

No signs of forced entry at the door.

But the window was jimmied.

You don't have locks on your windows.

Way to blame the victim.

Sorry I'm not rich like you, miss 1%.

They cost $8. You have a fur bedspread.

Why do you have so many lycra bodysuits?

And why do you need eight full drawers of underwear?

Because I'm civilized.

Less talky-talk, more solvey-solve.

We need an itemized list of everything that was stolen.

I already gave it to Captain Holt.

$160 in cash, one TV, one large painting of a naked lady on a lion, one set of Joseph Gordon-levitt nesting dolls...

Wow.

Homemade and irreplaceable.

One music box that plays she works hard for the money when opened.

One knockoff designer clutch...

Can't you just buy another knockoff?

No, I can't, silly sue.

'Cause the label no longer makes the original, so the sweatshop no longer makes the knockoff.

Can you estimate the value of everything that was taken?

Emotionally, $700 million.

[Doorbell rings]

Somebody at the door. Yeah.

Jake: Hey, sarge.

Sorry about the mess.

Charles: Hi, Cagney. Hi, Lacey.

Hey, your kids like the same kind of cereal as me.

Well, we just finished story time.

I'm gonna kiss the girls night-night, then we can get down to business.

All right, time for night-night, girls.

He is so strong but so gentle.

He's like an enormous, muscular Ellen Degeneres.

You know, I just want to let you guys know that I love you girls so, so muc okay? So sleep tight.

You know, daddy will never leave you, right, girls?

Girl: Night-night, daddy.

Gosh. Really makes you understand what he went through.

I'm worried about Terry.

We can't let anything bad happen to him.

Jake, where are you?

In here.

Oh...

This is a classy tepee.

Should we get these instead of desks at work?

We have to get Terry off this case.

What? Why?

Look, I thought he was a weirdo for having his year-long freak-out, but I get it now.

He has children. What happens to them if he gets hurt?

I'll have to take care of them.

Or his wife or other family or his more mature friends, but interesting point.

Why is this just hitting you now?

I don't know, I guess I just hadn't seen his kids in so long he never takes them around the precinct for some reason.

[Gasps] Because of all the guns and danger.

If you have concerns, maybe you should talk to Terry about it.

No. And you can't either.

If he finds out we're worried about him, it'll get in his head and freak him out.

He'll lose his edge and panic.

Yeah, that's why I've never tried to develop an edge.

You can't lose what you don't have.

No surprises.

What are you guys talking about?

Work. International taxes and tariffs.

Work.

Heh.

Terry: So...

What's the plan at the gym?

Well, I say we slow-play it.

You know?

Do a little more setup, a little surveillance, wait a couple months and see if they turn themselves in.

Listen, man, I know everybody's worried about me being psychologically ready for this.

But I promise you I am.

No matter what happens, no matter how many bullets are flying, I'm gonna be right there in the middle of everything.

I got your back.

No, it's not even that, you know, it's just...

Well, frankly, I'm not so sure that everyone at the gym is gonna buy you as a trainer.

You've been sitting behind that desk for so long you've gotten a little tubby.

Right? It's like, love handle alert!

Do you have a bone there somehow?

Jake, I promise. I'm good.

Oops.

I gotta put this stuffed giraffe between my two girls.

They both like to snuggle against his head.

[Tiny, squeaky voice] Here comes Mr. snuggles.

Here comes Mr. snuggles.

Okay, thanks.

Crime tech report from your apartment came back.

Apparently they found a strand of hair belonging to Mario Lopez.

I bought a lock of his hair at an auction.

That's cool it's real.

What'd they say about the prints?

None of the partials returned any matches.

Nobody in your building saw anything. We've hit a wall.

So what do we do next?

Do I just look for another apartment?

Should I buy a handgun?

Should I buy a shotgun?

Should I buy an uzi?

Look, Gina, we've done all we can.

This is how it goes with most B and es.

Mm. All right. [Chuckles]

C'est la vie. Let me grab your badge numbers.

'Cause I will be filing an official civilian complaint with the Captain.

[Both laugh]

[Laughs]

Why did I just receive a civilian complaint about you two?

I can answer this.

Because your assistant is a goblin.

Captain, we swept the scene, ran the prints, canvassed the building. We followed procedure.

"Procedure" is just a fancy word for proper order to do things.

Yes, that is it's definition.

This is a miscarriage of justice.

I'm gonna haunt your dreams.

[Gina chuckles]

You sure you can lift this much weight?

Are you kidding me?

I was the strongest kid in my camp seven summers in a row.

It would've been eight if that freak Rebecca Lobelman hadn't showed up.

Let's put in work.

And here we go.

One.

And I'm done. That's it.

Oh, good rep. Don't wanna get too bulky.

[Sighs] Two things.

First, this gym's wipe-down policy is criminally lax.

So I rewrote it.

Second, I lowered the temperature of the water fountain by two degrees.

Still waiting on feedback, but I see a lot of refreshed faces.

Also Brandon jacoby should be here soon.

How was that not one of your two things?

I gave his regular trainer the day off, I told him Trent would be filling in.

It was an interesting interaction.

Well, according to my new cloud-based scheduling system, your trainer is out, and Trent will be filling in.

I spent 40 minutes making that water bottle pyramid display.

This guy is a psycho.

You know the best way to deal with psychos.

The silent treatment. We should draw him out by not engaging.

Nope.

The longer we wait the more likely our cover gets blown.

I'll make contact.

Okay, but just remember.

You're not Terry. You're Trent.

Trainer and known hemophiliac, so be careful.

Trent is also a quaker who avoids violence at all costs.

You Trent?

Yup. A black Trent. One of many.

Uh, what do you want to start with today?

Weights.

Excuse me, sir. Can I borrow this machine?

I need to be here to keep an eye on a friend.

[Grunts]

Hold on. I'm on my last set.

Okay.

Two...

Three...

Can you go any faster?

I mean, what do you need leg muscles for anyway?

You're, like, 100 years old.

Socially acceptable for you to roll around on a scooter.

I lost the count.

[Grunts] One.

One?

[Grunts]

Jake: You're not even moving. Let's go.

Get your hands off me!

I've heard about this in the news!

You're cyber-bullying me! Shh!

I'm getting the manager! Get the hell away from me!

No, you're very misinformed. Please don't...

Damn it.


Hey. Have you seen Terry? I lost him.

His children could be orphans already.

Fatherless, mother-having orphans.

I'm sure he's fine.

I think the bigger issue is the complaint I received from an older gentleman saying you tried to hurry him off his machine, in open defiance of gym protocol.

Don't do this.

I know we're friends, but if you do that again, I'm gonna have to suspend your membership.

What have you become?

Me. I've become me.

What?

Oh, sarge, thank God.

Where were you? What happened?

Nothing happened. Jacoby wanted to do wind sprints outside.

You know, he's a mean dude, but I think I'm making progress.

He asked to borrow my squat belt, I told him no, he respected that.

Okay, but let's build up that relationship slowly, okay?

We don't want to jump the gun and spook him.

Brandon: Whew!

'Sup? Good workout.

You know, it's weird I never worked out with you before.

What'd you say your regular gym was?

I didn't. Brooklyn bulk fitness.

Huh?

I work out there too.

Never heard of any Trent.

I don't know why. I work out there all the time.

Really? Starting when?

NYPD, hands on your head! My God, you're gigantic.

What are you doing, Peralta? You just blew my cover!

Or did I save your life?

Or did you compromise an investigation and piss off a superior officer?

I'm sensing from your tone it's that one.

Amy: I need some afternoon coffee.

[Yawns]

What's the matter with you?

Gina came by my house last night to go over the case.

Between us doing that and her using my bread maker all night, I didn't get much sleep.

I will say she makes a wonderful rye.

So dense, yet so moist.

Hello, ladies.

Since you have allowed crime to win,

I've hired a private investigator to solve my case.

Say hello to Leo Sporm.

A P.I.? These guys are hacks.

How do you know if your husband's a murderer?

You don't.

Male announcer: Call Leo now.

Leo Sporm.

How's business?

You know this guy?

Holt: Everyone knows him.

The Picasso of hucksters.

I like that.

"Look up who Picasso is."

Sporm. Out.

Now.

You blew our cover, man!

Now I gotta go into an interrogation with no evidence and try to get jacoby to rat out his distributors!

I'm sorry, I got jumpy.

I wasn't thinking straight. It was all the exercise.

The blood from my head rushed into my delts.

Point to your delts, Jake.

There is...

You didn't have to hop in there, man.

I can handle this.

What's my name?

Terry Jeffords.

What is my name?

The ebony falcon.

And what does the ebony falcon do?

Takes every precaution to ensure his own safety? [Growls]

Takes bad guys to jail and bad girls to bed.

Hell yeah, he does.

Except now the ebony falcon is monogamous and too tired for s*x, so his only indulgence is fresh fruit yogurt parfaits.

Terry loves yogurt.

How's it going?

Well, so far jacoby hasn't given anything up, but I think Terry's starting to get to him.

I'm not talking.

You're talking right now!

Boom!

[Whispers] I'm already in your head.

Sarge is safe in there, so the longer this interrogation goes the better.

We gotta solve the case before he does.

Hey, tell me about that new system you set up at the gym for scheduling appointments.

I've been waiting so long to hear you say those words.

Come with me.

Experience the future of cloud-based scheduling.

Okay.

I put all the trainers' schedules into a shared online calendar.

Aside from the cucumber water at the front desk, it's probably my greatest accomplishment ever.

Hang on a sec. Who's this guy?

Says he's a personal trainer at the gym, but he has no regular hours.

He always makes last-minute appointments, always in the boxing area, and always late at night.

And look who he trains.

Brandon jacoby.

That's probably our supplier.

We should set up a buy from this Vladimir Rincic.

All right. We should set up a tactical team and hit the gym.

And sergeant Jeffries should stay here and keep interrogating jacoby for as many hours or years as necessary.

Are you sure I shouldn't go get him?

I feel a little uncomfortable leaving him out of this.

Don't think of it as leaving him out so much as including his babies in having a father.

Let's go.

Holt: Detectives.

Where are you going?

Just headed out to close the steroid case.

Isn't sergeant Jeffries interrogating the suspect now?

Yup, he's got that locked up.

We're following up on this lead.

The whole team is running smoothly and perfectly like a well-lubed, oiled time clock... bye.

Holt: Why do you think Gina hired that P.I.?

To mock us.

She's scared.

She's not scared.

With all due respect, sir, Gina has no feelings.

She once said the best comedy of all time was the girl with the dragon tattoo.

Well, think about how she's been acting.

Gina came by my house last night.

Do I buy an uzi?

I asked for a police officer to escort me to work, and it took a while for dispatch to find me a young Kevin costner type.

Her home doesn't feel safe anymore.

If someone broke into your apartment and you weren't cops, wouldn't you be scared?

Yes.

Depends. How many guns do I still have hidden?

None.

Do I still have my knife? Nunchucks?

Axe?

It was a hypothetical question.

I know, but I want to play it out.

Do I still have my throwing stars?

This has taken a strange turn.

Fine. I'd be scared.

We're on it.

What kind of woman doesn't have an axe?

All right, we're all set for the sting.

We got hidden cameras, wireless mics, and tactical teams by all the exits.

I told Vladimir to meet Vance Vandervaven, a.K.A. me, here at 10:00.

Said that I was filling in for jacoby.

You and I will be sparring when he arrives.

Cool. I boxed at the academy.

They invented a new weight class for me.

You're looking at the undisputed bubbleweight champion.

Terry: Hey! Peralta!

Boyle! Sarge, hey.

I'm so psyched you made it here to the sting that I definitely told Charles to tell you about.

You lied to me!

I can see that you're upset, but let's just sit down and talk about it.

Done talking!

Time to dance.

Fine. But I should warn you.

I took three years of tap.

Again, sarge, it's so good to see you.

Just out of curiosity, how did you find out about this?

I'm a Detective sergeant in the NYPD.

Holt told me. Why are you cutting me out of the operation?

What? That's crazy!

Boyle, come in here and stand in front of my body and tell him that's crazy.

Ow! My lucky face!

You gonna talk to me now?

Sure. If you could be any vacation...

Oh!

You didn't let me finish. [Laughs]

If you could be any vacation, what would you be?

I'd be skiing.

Oh, now I'm gonna hit you for real.

That wasn't for real? Oh, my God.

No, wait, wait, wait! I was worried!

Worried about what?

About you getting hurt.

I don't want your daughters growing up without a dad.

I know what that's like, and it sucks.

And I don't want it to happen to them.

Why didn't you just say something to me?

Because I didn't want to get in your head and have you freak out again.

Yeah, I get it.

It's been a rough year.

But I've learned to embrace my fears. It makes me a better cop.

Tacs one and two are set.

30 minutes until the bogeys arrive.

Thanks, Boyle.

I love it when you say "bogeys."

So we good?

We good.

And for the record...

If I could be any kind of vacation...

I'd be lake trip.

Classic.

You're here late.

Ah, you know me. I love working.

Can't tear me away from my work.

I just love requisitions and corporate record reports.

Just, you know, messages from people for Holt.

I can imagine how frightening this must be.

I'm sorry we didn't catch the guy.

Yeah. It's weird.

It's like, why do the worst things always happen to the best people?

And what's to keep it from happening again?

We are. Come on. We're taking you home.

Really?

We installed a second lock on your front door, put locks on the windows by the fire escape, and set all your lights on timers.

That makes me feel so much better.

Thank you, guys.

And as a token of my appreciation, I would like to give you...

These.

Great.

The cool thing is you can eat whatever you want.

These are right there with you.

Hey!

You Vance Vandervaven?

Yeah. That's me. I'll be right there.

You gonna let me do this, man?

What choice do I have?

You hit me in the arms so hard they no longer work.

All right. It's time to catch some bad guys.

It good to be back.

Have a fun steroid deal, sergeant.

You're a weird guy, Jake.

Yeah.

The ebony falcon. No.

The ebony falcon had no fear.

He's the ebony antelope now.

Brave enough to drink at the lake, but wise enough to run from the lions.

Hey, my arms don't work. Can you scratch my nose?

You bet. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Thank you.

Morning, Captain.

So? How did sergeant Jeffries do?

Why is everyone so worried about the sarge?

He was amazing.

He made the buy, took out the suppliers, but wisely didn't take on more than he could handle.

I left one for you.

And you'll be happy to know that he punched me in the face several times.

That does make me happy.

Guess we're being candid today.

Hey, sarge, just for the record, I hope you're on every case with me for the rest of my career.

I'm not scared for you at all.

Of you a lot.

Thanks, Jake.

Oh, Peralta, I almost forgot.

My girls made you a card.

To thank you for keeping me safe.

Oh...

They're so full of potential.

[Chuckles]

Why would you show me this?