01x17 - Full Boyle

Dryin' dishes, yeah. [whistling]

Man, charles has been so happy and confident Ever since he hooked up with that professor At the captain's party.

[both panting]

She has tenure, and also has ten years, Times two, older than him.

That sucked. Yeah.

It's nice to see him like this.

terry: he's so confident.

This morning, he finally corrected the barista When she called him "charlize."

He's been living as "charlize broil" for five years.

It's great. It's all so great.

He could take it down, just a smidge.

♪ if you like pina coladas Dead guy, charles. Sorry.

But whatever, I can handle the singing.

I'm just so happy for that guy.

It's about time he caught a break.

Sexy train is leaving the station.

Check out this caboose.

Later, sluts.

Just let him have it.

Great job, Boyle.

[upbeat music]

Peralta, where are we with the black cab holdups?

Well-- I got this, jakey.

Oh, all right. Have at it, man.

gina: nice jeans, Boyle.

Those are surprisingly low-waisted.

Eyes up here, gina.

I'm more than just a piece of ass.

all: ooh.

[chuckles] not bad, not bad.

An unlicensed cab driver's been picking up tourists.

Driverakeshe vics down under the b.Q.E., Robs 'em at gunpoint, leaves them stranded.

Unfortunately, because they're tourists, And our perp is not caucasian, We don't have a clear idea of what he looks like.

He was either latino, arabor mican.

Either way, very muslim.

We'll go undercover, dress as out-of-towners, Hope the perp picks us up.

Don't worry, sarge, we'll nail this guy.

I can't believe I was just Briefly attracted to Boyle.

Ugh. Ugh!

A mr. Brain jensen here to see you, sir.

It's brian. Mm, not according to this note I wrote on my hand very quickly: "brain."

Captain holt, we recently met at the african-american Gay and lesbian new york city policeman's association.

Uh, yes, that name is quite a mouthful.

Just call it the "aaglnycpa."

Your organization has meant so much to me.

Uh, well, it's not my organization.

I mean, I did found it and I've been president For the last 25 years and I oversee every detail, But really, it's our organization.

It's yours.

And out of respect for you and everything That you've done, I wanted to stop by And let you know I'll be running for president.

I hate to run against you, But I have some ideas for change that'll Bring aaglnycpa into the 21st century.

I see.

Well, it's been good meeting you.

And, uh, I wish you the very best. Thank you.

Good-bye, brain.

It's--it's brian. [chuckles]

Very nice man.

Yes, he is.

Now, let's figure out how to...

Destroy him.

How'd the interview with the victim go?

It went okay.

The guy was from canada, said it was probably His fault for getting robbed, And apologized for wasting my time.

[chuckles] oh, canada.

Truly odie to america's garfield. Mm-hmm.

Hey, what are you doing tomorrow night?

I think I can get us some nets tickets.

No go, amigo.

Tomorrow is vivi's and my big 20-day anniversary.

I'm pulling out all the stops.

Dinner at le bonbon, With 300 roses at the table.

No. Oh, man.

Then a gondola ride along the gowanus canal.

No. No, no, no, no, no. And then, a skywriter's Gonna write, "charles loves v."

I couldn't afford her full name.

Okay, first of all, "charles loves v"

Means something very specific And, I'm gonna guess, not what you're intending.

But more importantly, you're going full Boyle.

[scoffs] what? I am not.

What's full Boyle? Anytime charles gets Into a new relationship, he gets way too intense Way too fast, and it always ends in heartbreak.

We met on the subway, Went out to dinner, and I told her ioveder.

And my mom was so happy.

And then the barbershop quartet I hired started to sing.

And then she broke up with me. And then she broke up with you.

[crying] yes!

Oh, Joanna, no!

[crying] Courtney!

[crying] Rhonda!

I know when I'm going full Boyle.

Trust me, this is different.

I have it under control.

Gotta go, jakey. [sighs]

Excuse me.

Are you a detective?

Oh, uh, who's asking?

I'm super dan, Scourge of brooklyn's underworld, And I need to talk to an officer of the law.

I'm busy right now, working on this...Excuse.

I think santiago's free.

Hi.

I'm super dan.

And I have a crime to report.

Oh, gosh, I am so sorry.

I literally just retired.

This is my retirement cake. Mmm.

Thanks, you guys. I'm gonna miss this place.

Why aren't you guys taking me seriously?

Your cape and your tights, And your name is super dan, And I can kinda see your pen1s.

And it's just all a rich tapestry.

Yeah, well, I'm a citizen.

I'm from this neighborhood.

So the only reason I'm wearing this costume Is so when I'm fighting crime,, People will respect my authority.

How's that working out for you?

Detectives, when a citizen comes in off the street, It is nypd policy to take a statement.

This isn't enough of a statement?

Yes, I wanted to inquire About renting out the statue of liberty For a romantic evening.

Mm-hmm.

Is there a bed in the torch?

No? Okay.

I'll get back to you.

Hey there, charles.

I thought maybe we should have a little chat About how crazy you're acting, And how you're blowing this beyond repair.

Are you really qualified to give romantic advice?

You're not exactly the king of mature relationships.

Fair enough. But I would argue That I am like a beautiful angel of love, Who has trouble finding love for himself.

Admit that you would see that movie.

I would.

Thank you for honesty.

But this is not about me.

It's about charles.

I've seen this before, buddy, and it is bad.

Jake, I'm nowhere near full Boyle.

Then prove it. Just push your Anniversary dinner one night.

Say, "vivian, tomorrow doesn't work for me.

Can we reschedule?"

If this will convince you, more than happy.

No problem. Great.

Voice mail.

God, I love how she says the words, "you've reached."

Hi, vivi. It's chucklebunny. Oof.

I'm just calling about dinner tomorrow.

I can't wait to see you, My luscious little breakfast quiche.

I just wanna draw you a bubble bath And spoon-feed you caviar.

I think we should open up a joint checking account.

I love you-- what am I doing?

It's okay. I hung up right after "chucklebunny."

Help me. I've gone full Boyle.

I need to focus on my reelection campaign.

Clear my schedule.

You really care about this little club, huh?

It's not a club. It's an organization That I founded over 25 years ago.

I'm proud to say we now have 50 members.

But it wasn't so easy in the beginning.

I'd like to request discretionary funds, To start an organization supporting black Gay and lesbian police officers.

[laughter]

They never actually said no, So I just went ahead and did it.

I've poured my heart and soul into this organization.

And I'm not gonna just give up the presidency.

You should make me your campaign manager.

I was born for politics.

I have great hair and I love lying.

Find out everything you can about this jensen.

I'll work on my speech.

How's this for an opening joke?

You know what the toughest part about Being a gay black police officer is?

The discrimination.

I believe that's what you call observational humor.

Probably. That's great.

All right, let's go over our disguise I am herbert goffleman from san diego.

I came here to stand in the cold Outside the today show, holding a sign

With a misspelled word on it. [chuckles]

Oh, you know what? You win.

That neon green fanny pack screams, "gullible tourist."

It's mine. I brought it from home.

Hey, can I have my phone back, please?

Uh, no, because you will call vivian, And you have the worst case Of full Boyle I've ever seen. What?

I found this, by the way.

You wrote "mr. Charles ludley" over a thousand times.

Why would you take her last name, Boyle?

[sighs] look.

For the last two years, I've been Directing all my love at rosa.

So my emotions just piled up.

And now with vivian, my feelings Are springing out of me like a fire hose.

Oh, that is overtly sexual.

Jake, I'm gonna ruin it.

You gotta help me.

All right, here's the plan.

I'll text vivian from your phone, And tell her you want it to be a double date.

That way, I can come with you and hold your hand.

Well, then your hand will be on her butt, Because my hand will be on her butt.

You gotta get it together, man.

I told you I need help!

Hey, can I get your file On that atlantic avenue drug ring?

Sarge gave me and scully the case.

What? Oh!

Why did you do that?

I-I know I deserved it, but why?

Sarge, you reassigned our drug case?

Diaz and I have been working it for three months.

Remember super dan?

The guy you ignored and made fun of?

He's been perching on rooftops at night, Secretly taking photos of drug deals.

He has thousands of images And can I.D. The entire network of dealers.

What? But you refused To take his statement, because he had a cape on.

Luckily, hitchcock and scully didn't mind.

I didn't even notice he was wearing a cape.

You're a cop. You should've noticed that.

We screwed up. Message received.

Yep, be nicer to virgins.

She doesn't speak for me.

You're not getting your case back.

Okay.

Here's what I found out about our competition.

Brian jensen, born 1899, Served in the navy during world war I.

A hero at the battle of scimitar hill, Jensen perished in a factory fire In the netherlands.

This may be a different brian jensen.

I've never been in this position before.

I've always run unopposed.

If you wanna compete, you're gonna have to have A little more pizzazz.

A couple ideas for ya.

The obvious place to start would be you, In a silver suit, With sunglasses and roller skates--

The candidate of fun.

What's your second idea? Nada.

Thought I had a slam dunk on the first one.

Hi, there.

We'd like to go to the times square.

We're brothers.

[text alert chimes]

We're all set for the double date tonight.

Vivian's bringing her friend bernice.

Bernice?

That sounds like a cartoon dump truck.

Whatever, that's probably for the best.

I don't need any distractions.

My mission is to protect you.

All right.


Hey, this guy's going the right way.

We should get out and try again.

You can let us off here.

We would like to buy some bagels.

[southern accent] and where is the s*x and the city street?

We wanna see where carrie and big live.

I'm a carrie. I think I'm a carrie.

both: we're both carries.

All right, let's prepare for the date tonight.

Here's the things you're not allowed to talk about: Love, poetry, music, or passion.

We don't have to talk at all.

I'll just stare into her eyes.

They're like little drops of cilantro reduction On lily-white flan. Okay, no.

See, no food talk.

It sets off something primal And disgusting in both of you.

It makes me wanna barf.

You're right. Look, if you feel like You can't handle it, we need a signal.

I'll do this.

[imitating gunshots]

And how would you do that naturally?

I don't know.

This guy's clean, by the way.

Can we pull over, please?

[deep breath] there she is.

I don't know if I can do this.

Listen to me. I am with you all night.

And nothing will distract me From my solemn vow to protect you, okay?

Okay.

Vivian, you look beautiful.

I love your dress. Aww.

You too, charlie. You look so handsome.

[giggles]

Steady, steady.

Jake, this is my friend bernice.

Oh, hello. I'm jak-tractive.

Jak-tractive?

Yes, my parents were hippies.

Let's eat.

Okay, so, jake, You're a cop.

I wanted to be a cop when I was a kid, Mostly because I love die hard.

Die hard, really? Mm-hmm.

Well, that makes sense, everyone loves that movie.

Oh, not like me.

I sleep in a nakatomi plaza security t-shirt.

[chuckles] oh, no.

What kinda dogs do you like?

I mean, you know, just hypothetically, If we were to get a dog.

Oh, I love all dogs.

When I was a kid, I had the cutest Golden retriever, named rufus.

That is the most amazing thing I've ever heard.

I wanna meet him.

Charles, why don't you tell vivian About the ten-day forecast?

Oh, good idea.

jake: sorry about that.

So if you're not a cop, then what do you do?

I'm in grad school.

I thought about maybe being a sports reporter, But it would be impossible for me to be objective.

I love the nets so much.

You're a nets fan? I love the nets.

Oh, my god. This season has been a disaster, right? Yes.

And everybody blames it onas kidd. Yes.

But it's like, at a certain point, Billy king is the one who put the team together.

Yes.

vivian: [chuckles] wow.

I love rainy days. My mother loves rainy days.

You should meet her.

Excuse me.

[imitates gunshots] our signal.

Uh, here's a question for the group.

What is the longest funeral you've ever attended?

Ladies first.

gina: on behalf of captain holt: Floorgasm.

[hip-hop music]

♪ hands in the air fist pumpin' like champs ♪
♪ hands in the air fist pumpin' like champs ♪
♪ hands in the air fist pumpin' like champs ♪
♪ fist pumpin' like champs ♪
♪ fist pumpin' like champs ♪

gina: did you like it?

It was inspired by the city of new york, In that I stole it from some kids I saw dancing on the subway station.

All of you, go home, immediately.

[scoffs]

I appreciate the effort, gina, but I can't risk Losing this election.

The aaglnycpa means too much.

Let me rehearse my speech.

Do you want a president who struggled against all odds To create this great organization?

Or do you want a great nothing Who struggled against nothing odds to create nhing Yikes.

[door opens]

The meeting is beginning.

The stakes are very high for me.

I'm getting nervous.

My stomach is in flux.

You know, in the court of louis xi, Women would only eat consomme, because They were worried that Chewing would give them wrinkles.

I love it when you talk broth.

Hey, charles, remember that dog We found on the train tracks?

Was it inside-out or just very badly burned?

Inside-out. Yeah, 'cause there were Things on the outside that Definitely should've been on the inside.

Definition of inside-out.

jake: bingo. Uh, will you excuse us?

Bernice and I are gonna use the ladies' room. Yeah.

Hurry back. Oh, no.

Jake, I can't stop looking at her butt.

Yeah, you are definitely making her uncomfortable.

And this beautiful basketball-loving Die hard fan is tearing down my walls of defenses.

If we find out that she is half-jewish, We are all doomed!

I know. I borrowed the waiter's phone When you weren't looking, and bought me and vivian Plane tickets to rome. What?

We leave in two hours.

Terrible itinerary, connect through vietnam.

All right, just go home. Get out of here and regroup.

I'll take care of everything.

I'll tell 'em it was an emergency. Thank you.

Can you make it a work emergency, Not a bathroom one?

I kinda wanna make ia.

[pounds table]

Sarge, you made your point.

We messed up.

But this is a big case, and hitchcock And scully are gonna screw it up.

I'm sure they can handle it.

They have a combined 50 years of experience.

This morning I found scully's gun In the freezer, in the frozen yogurt.

I think he was using it as a spoon.

The truth is, I had to give 'em the case.

You insulted super dan.

He refuses to cooperate with you.

We weren't that bad.

You told him his superpower was being so embarrassing That people laughed themselves to death.

[chuckles] yeah.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm officer brian jensen.

[applause]

Listen to him talk.

He has no gravitas.

Do you know what gravitas sounds like?

[deep voice] greetings, all.

Details about this organization Should be included in nypd recruitment literature And on the website.

He actually has some good ideas.

Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to dismiss him, Like you were with a certain amazing dance troop.

He isn't fit to be president.

He hasn't spent the last 25 years Fighting to build this organization.

Right. Is that bad?

I thought you created agla--naca--macapa Or whatever, so people like him Wouldn't have to go through what you went through.

Isn't it a good thing that brian jensen Didn't have to struggle for 25 years Just to get up on this stage?

brian: thank you all for your time.

I hope you vote for me.

[applause]

Greetings, all.

You know what the toughest part about Being a gay black police officer is?

The discrimination.

[uproarious laughter]

What?

At the very first meeting of the aaglnycpa, I was elected president unanimously, Because I was the only member And I voted for myself.

But after 25 years of struggle, I am no longer the only member.

And lookorward to casting my vote For someone else.

That is why I withdraw my name From consideration as president.

holt: congratulations, brian.

[applause]

If you screw this up, I will impeach you.

I wrote the bylaws, so I know how to do it.

But I'm very happy for you.

But I will impeach you, if necessary.

Anyways, charles wanted me To reiterate how sorry he is, But he got an emergency call.

And that is plausible, because we're detectives.

vivian: well, is it a tough case?

'cause charlie was acting so weird tonight.

Mm-hmm. Work has been so stressful.

Speaking of, here is your coat.

I've gotta run.

If you wouldn't mind using the back exit, It'll be much safer. Trust me.

I'm a cop. New york, right? [chuckles]

Charles, what are you doing here?

I'm so close to getting you out of this.

They're putting their coats on. Funny story--

I was walking home and I passed a pawn shop.

And then I went into a trance.

And now I have this engagement ring.

No, charles! Well, I'm gonna go ask vivian to marry me. Bye.

No, give me that. Jake!

Boyle: give that back.

I'm doing this for your own good.

You've gone full Boyle. I'm helping you out.

Give me that ring, or I'm gonna pepper spray you.

Pepper spray me, I will pepper spray you!

Huh? Mm.

No!

[both screaming]

both: aah!

Crap! Crap! Aah, crap! Crap! Aw, crap!

Hey, buddy.

Got you that fancy coffee you like.

Nah, I don't want it.

Ah, so expensive.

How you holding up?

Well, jake, I've been better.

Right. Look, I'm sorry I threw your ring in that boiling pork water.

Yeah. I'm sorry I pepper sprayed you.

I'm sorry I pepper sprayed you.

It burned like hell, right? Yeah.

Thank god for that soda.

[both grunting]

Ahh, it's so sticky, but it feels so good.

Ooh, cab.

After you. Yes, sir.

What are you two still doing here?

Isn't your shift over?

There's something we need to take care of.

Oh, super dan, over here. Thanks for coming.

[groans] great.

You two?

If you guys wanna make fun of me, Just come down to pita paradise like everyone else does.

We need your help. Why?

What happened to scully and hitchcock?

They're busy, cleaning hitchcock's ear.

Yeah. Did you witness any of these men Selling narcotics?

This is so official.

Yeah, this guy, number three.

That's the mope we brought in.

Yeah, okay.

We're gonna need to take your statement.

Spare no detail. Really?

Mm-hmm. Yeah!

Okay, um, all right.

Well, uh, I was driving around my neighborhood In the "danmobile," which is my bike.

I know what we did wrong.

Ah, should've followed the rules, But more importantly, we're supposed To help out everyone, no matter what.

That's right.

Nice work on the arrest.

I got vaccinated that year, But then I still got the flu.

[laughs] whoa.

Don't be bummed, man.

It's gonna be okay. No, it isn't.

You can't be with me every minute of every day.

I'm in love with this woman, for real.

And I'm gonna go full Boyle and scare her off.

No, we can figure this out, all right?

I still got your phone, so you're good there--

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I think we're gonna get robbed.

I need to pull over.

Flat tire.

Give me your wallets.

Nypd, you're under arrest for armed robbery!

A little to the left, charles.

Yeah, I'm still not seeing great because of the pepper spray.

Hey, cab driver's in the interrogation room.

You ready? Let's do it.

Oh, no, what's this?

What is this? [chuckles]

I checked your phone.

There were a hundred texts from vivian, Worried about you, A selfie that I can never unsee, And dozens of voice mails.

[beep]

vivian: hey, chucklebunny, it's me.

You disappeared last night.

And you were acting weird.

And I'm worried it's because I'm moving too fast.

I really wanna see you.

And I know it's 3:00 a.M., But we should feed each other falafel In our underwear-- okay.

[beep]

I know it when I hear it.

She's full Boyle.

Full Boyle for Boyle.

I took the liberty of texting her, And telling her to come meet you here.

I thought you might wanna give her this, Or something considerably nicer.

That is definitely not platinum.

You really think this is a good idea?

Buddy, I honestly don't know, But you're definitely not gonna scare her off.

I say do whatever makes you happiest.

Jakey, you're the best.

both: ahh.

Your body is trembling like a leaf.

I'm so excited.

[gasps] yes! Yes?

Yes! [giggles]

Aww.

Charles is engaged.

You handled this really well, peralta.

I take back what I said about you being immature.

Oh, apology accepted, fart monster.

Okay.

Ohh. Oh, no.

Oh, boy. Okay.

Yeah, this is turning into a live s*x show.

Yeah, let's go. Oh, no.

I wasn't saying it in a bad way.

Jake! Yep.

[both panting]

Although they can't see us.

santiago: jake!

Yep.