01x18 - The Apartment

So, again, your alibi is a mysterious stranger handed you the gun, made you put your prints on it, robbed the store, and then hid the gun in your underpants.

Well, yeah, if you say it like that, it don't sound believable.

Oh, hey, Captain.

Did you get my report on the Finley murder?

Yeah, I looked it over. Nice work.

Good. Thanks, dad.

Why is everyone staring at me?

You just called Captain Holt "dad."

You said, "thanks, dad."

What? No, I didn't. I said, "thanks, man."

Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?

No. If anything, I see you as a "bother" figure, 'cause you're always bothering me.

Hey, show your father some respect.

I didn't call him dad.

No, no, no, no, Jacob.

I take it as a compliment.

It's not a big deal.

I called Vivian "mom" once, and she's my fiancée.

Guys, jump on that!

Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.

Amy: Old news.

But you calling Holt "daddy"...

Hey, "daddy" is not on the table here.

But you did call him "dad," dude.

You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.

All right, all right, I was lying about the holdup.

But the dad thing, that happened.


He admitted that his alibi was a lie.

It was a trap, all part of my crazy, devious plan.

I believe you. Thank you.


Do you want to talk about it later over a game of catch?

I'd like that.

♪ ♪

Holt: Thank you for coming in on your day off.

I know you'd all rather be at home,[/i] binge watching media content.

Oh! I just started the second season of media content.

No spoilers.

But these evaluations are important.

Sir, I think I speak for all of us...

All: She doesn't.

When I say that we can't wait for you to sit in judgment of us.

Oh, these will be self-evaluations, Santiago.

Why... se.

Very wise, sir.

Nice save.

Also, please stay out of the way of the weekend squad.

They are on duty, and the bullpen is theirs.

I hate the weekend squad.

Detective Lohank shaves at my desk and gets hair all over my computer.

My "R" key is jammed with stubble.

Well, that explains the email you sent about the "guesome mude."


I'm pumped for these evaluations, sir.

I can't wait to hear what you have to say about my squad.

I think they've had a great year.

I feel like a proud mama hen whose baby chicks have learned to fly.

Interesting analogy, sergeant.

Chickens are famously bad at flying.

Jake: Yo.

Terry: Peralta asked to be first, which shows how seriously he's begun taking his job.

Nope, I just want to get this over with.

So I have 72 arrests, an 80% clearance rate, but most importantly, I wore a tie sometimes.

Now, I have a question for you:

Is there any way I can borrow $430,000?

Why on earth do you need that much money?

I need to buy my apartment.

I've been living at my Nana's place since she passed away 'cause it's rent-controlled, but now the building's going co-op, so I have to buy it.

I need to secure a loan by the end of the day.

Uh, so should we do a wire transfer, or do you think cash is easier?

Let's just do cash.

Shouldn't you be asking somebody else for that kind of money?

Like a bank?

Yeah, I tried that.

[Laughing hysterically]

Jake, I cannot believe you're gonna lose Nana's apartment.

We grew up together. We used to hang out there every day after school.

That's right, because there was no one to look after us, because our moms both worked, and...

[Sighs heavily] We didn't have fathers because divorce.

Peralta, I will not give you a cool half mil because you had a slightly sad childhood.

Go solve your housing crisis.

Can I go with him?

Nana made me the intelligent, sensuous woman I am today.

Weird way to describe a grandma's influence on you.

I'm sorry, Gina.

I don't know that we can spare you.

Um, these are her notes so far.

"Empanadas, Atlantic city, birth control."

No, that's my travel journal.

I haven't started on the notes yet.

You may go with Peralta.

Both: Thank you.

I want to take Vivian somewhere romantic tonight.

How about this?

Graziolo's, for the porco digestivo meal.

It's a culinary tour of a pig's digestive track.

Pig bung gelato for two, anyone?

Rosa: Uh-oh, heads up.

Weekend crew.

[Shady music]

♪ ♪

Charles: I feel sad for you.

I love my desk buddy.

Sometimes Detective Kearns and I leave presents for each other.


Well, Lohank's a stubble monkey.

I hate him and his face garbage.

Why don't you just tell him to stop shaving at his desk?

He denies even doing it. I don't know why.

Next time I catch him shaving, I'm gonna punch him so hard in the mouth he bites his own heart.

Could that be why he denies doing it?

Oh, yeah, you could be right. Yeah.

Gina: Oh, wow.

It is always so crazy coming back here.

Remember when Nana got cable?

We watched house party 2 so many times.

It was a pajama-jamma-jam. We had no choice.

Our hands were tied. I gotta say, I'm psyched to be hanging like this, old-school stylez.

"Stylez" with a "Z".

Oh, I could tell. [Laughs]

Okay, well, maybe we can figure out a way for you to afford this place.

Where's all your bank statements?

Hup, hup, before we get all financial, can I interest you in an ice-cold foh-dy?


So talk to me, goose. How we lookin'?

Sexy, but not like we're trying too hard.

Like, sure, we're trying, but it's almost effortless.

Yeah, no, I knew all of that.

I meant the money thing.

Oh. My first impression is that you have a debilitating spending problem.

Jake, you have six massage chairs.

Well, they don't make a massage couch.

Okay, but you also have three turntables.

Ooh, yeah! I'm learning how to spin.

Check it out.


[Chaotic klezmer music playing]

All I have are my grandma's old klezmer records, and I still haven't quite figured out how to sync up the beats, but it's not bad, right?

It's awful!

It sounds like joy behar falling down some stairs.

[Music stops] Okay, you also purchased Olympus Has Fallen on demand 12 times.

Was it a difficult movie for you to follow?

No, just watched it a lot.

So hit me.

How much do I have to cut back in order to keep this place?

Infinity percent.

Technically speaking, you're bankrupt, kiddo.

That sounds bad.

It is bad.

I only said "kiddo" to soften the blow, kiddo.

This is so unfair.

I've lived in this building 15 years, and then all of the sudden, they decide they're going co-op with zero warning?

It seems illegal they didn't tell you this was happening.

Well, it's possible I missed a letter, but I doubt it.

Ooh, let's check the mail tub.

Mail tub?

Nope. No.


See? It's impossible to find anything in here.

It's not my fault.

This is actually a cool little bathroom.

Nice claw-foot tub.

Which I will never throw my mail into again.


I didn't want to do this, but I do know one way we could get the money.

You'd make a decent prostitute.

I'd make an amazing prostitute.

But I was actually talking about this guy I know, Frank.

He's kinda skeevy, but he will loan money to anybody.

So he's a loan shark.

Maybe you're not thinking this through.

Says the woman who's been engaged eight times.

Uh, but never married once.

Game, set, match... linetti.

Well, it's the only choice I have.

So let's go.

Terry: Sir, I know we got off to a weird start, so to get things back on track, I'd like to bring in Santiago next.

She's had a great year.

You wanted to see me, sirs?

I was reading the sergeant's lips through the window, and he either said, "bring in Santiago next," or something about a San Diego nest.

Are you ready for your self-evaluation?

I am.

I understand from a lip-reading session last week that you intend to ask us each ten questions.

Normally, yes, but for you, I have just one question.

What is your biggest...


My biggest flaw?

Working too hard?

Being too thorough?

Caring too much?

Got it.

Something entirely different.

Rosa, look!

Lohank is shaving right now.

[Shady music]

[Razor buzzing]

♪ ♪

[Slow-motion whoosh]

Both, in slow-motion: Noooo!

Boyle, call an ambulance.

I'm gonna do some stuff to him.

Or we give him a taste of his own medicine.

We fill his locker with shaving cream and loose hair.

I like it.

I cannot believe I am considering a non-violent option.

And I know just where to get a bundle of loose hair.

Gina: How much interest do you charge?

Look, I'm not a bank.

It's my own personal money.

So I take a larger vig.

20 points.

A "vig." So cool.

Well, I don't need much.

Just, like, $430,000.

Nah, too much.

I make small loans to desperate losers.

And friends, like you.

Well, I'm happy this went terribly.

Uh, we do have to go now, so please excuse us.

Wait, I just need enough to show the co-op board I can make a down payment at the bank.

How about $20,000?

Two bags of ziti?

That I can do.

[Gasps] "Bags of ziti?"

Come on, Gina, how awesome is that?

Get on board.

Come on, Gina. Get on board.

Jake, he is a sea witch in disguise.

Do not sing into his shell.

I have no idea what you're talking about right now.

Oh, little mermaid.

What have you done?

[Shady music]

Oh, yeah.


Nothing gets you smiling like cold-blooded vengeance.


And now, the piece de resistance.

Emilio's giant bag of hair.


Oh, this is disgusting.

It's perfect. [Squeals]

Ugh. Ugh.

[Giggles] Ooh, check... check this out.

I'm Tom Selleck. Park my chopper on the beach.


I'm a Billy goat. [Bleats]

[Bleats loudly, snorts]

Oh! [Coughing]

Oh, I think I swallowed a bunch of stranger hair.


Jake: Hey.

Mr. Henders, the King of the lobby.

Jake, the co-op board meeting was an hour ago.

I know. I am so sorry.

It's just I've been pretty busy with police work, you know, with my police friends, helping out non-police folk such as yourself, keeping you safe police.

We appreciate your service.

And I appreciate you saying that.

Look, I know there's been a lot of misconceptions about my financial situation, but I am ready to put that to rest right now.

Boom goes the dynamite. Oh, my God.

That's $20,000 right there, and I intend to use it as a down payment on a mortgage.

Where did you get this money?

Just had it lying around.

You've been an adequate tenant.

Adequate. But we needed a completed application with a bank loan by today.

With all due respect, sir, that's not fair.

I mean, I didn't even know that the building was going co-op until last week.

I got one letter.

We left you 15 voicemails as well.

Ah, voicemails. Well, that explains it.

My generation mostly texts.

I'm only 33, so...

We're in the same generation. I'm 31.

31? Mm-hmm.

But I call you "mister."

And you wear a suit, and...


Did you just point at my bald spot?

No. Look.

We're putting the apartment on the market.

We need to get it ready for brokers to show.

We need you out by next friday.

Ohhh, next friday's a little tough for me.

Is there any way we could move it to the sunday after eight years from next friday?

Based on your judge-y eyes, I am going to take back my dynamite.



You got a full head... Head of hair.

Nope. Okay.

Aw, that bad?

I'm gonna be homeless.

A homeless cop.

It's like a made-for-TV movie that I will not be able to watch because I won't have a television because I'll be homeless.

Chin up, lil' pup.

First of all, you could watch it on your phone.

Second, this isn't the only apartment in the city.

We'll find you a new one.

You're right.

You're right. This could be good.

I mean, maybe we'll find a great place.

Atta girl. In a cooler neighborhood.

That's right, girl.

Maybe I'll even have a cute neighbor.

Get it, girl.

You gotta stop calling me girl.

Sorry, girl.

Amy: Okay, sirs.

I know why you weren't happy with my self-evaluation.

You didn't want me to say a flaw that was actually positive, like how the sergeant always says it's bad that he works out too much.

Whoa. Why the drive-by?


But that's not right, because you value honesty and humility above all else.

So what's your biggest flaw?

My biggest flaw.

I'm too competitive, prone to jealousy, "bit of a killjoy, "follow rules to a fault, "don't know how to relax, and every now and then, I smoke a cigarette."

Is that what you're looking for?

Because I can keep going.

I am deeply flawed.

Santiago... Oh, no.

"Santiago" in "B" flat.

You're disappointed.

Okay, well, I'm going to go to a secret location and make sure that nobody is smoking there.

I'll be right back.

[Door slams]

Gina: Is this a pre-war?

Ah, very good eye.

And you should know it's also pet-friendly.

Really? Do they allow cats?

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic.


How would you even get a bed in here?

Oh, Murphy bed.



This is kinda cool.

High ceilings, so many windows.

Gina, the toilet is in the middle of the living room.

I think it's sexy.



Rosa: So when's this going down?

Well, normally, lohank hits the locker room when he goes to the gym, so let's see when he plans on working out.

So, lohank, I was reading an article about the benefits of exercise...

You going to the gym today?

Not today. Been spending all my breaks on the phone with my wife, Nancy.

We've been having marital problems.

Right, 'cause of your hygiene?

What? No, I wish.

No, about a year ago, she fell down the stairs and broke her back.

Oh, no.

Now she's addicted to painkillers.

We've been fighting a lot. Mm.

'Cause I want to help her, you know?

I guess I just love her so much.

But she's refusing treatment.


We got into it again last night.

I went out for some fresh air, but I forgot to close the door, and our dog cinnamon got out.

Oh, no.

Cinnamon got hit by a drunk driver.

I wish I could say she was put out of her misery instantly, but the vet assured us that her suffering was unending and terrible.

I'm sorry.

Just venting a little. I-I appreciate...

Of course.

Anything for a good friend like you.

Charles, can I see you for a minute?


My first question is, why are the two of you doing this self-evaluation together?

Scully doesn't handle pressure well.

[Sighs shakily] Um...

Um... Not to brag, but Scully and I have a combined total of 14 arrests.

Would've been 20, but we only got 14.

That's not enough arrests.

Well, no one asked you.

It's a self-evaluation.

Come on, Scully.

I'm trying to hurry, but when you grab the hair, it breaks apart.

The key is you use your hands like scoopers.

Just go...


Holt: What the hell is going on here?

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this, sir.

Uh, we accidentally dropped all our loose hair and shaving cream in this locker, so we're cleaning it out.

Hasn't Detective lohank been through enough?

He just got diagnosed with prostate cancer.

Course he did.

Clean this up. Now.

Yes, sir.

What's wrong with you guys?

I've lost control of my squad.

Gina: Should we turn some lights on?

Trying to save electricity, Gina.

Your massage chair is on.

Yeah, I'm poor. I'm not a savage.

Man, what am I gonna do?

Well, what if I bought the apartment?

[Scoffs] What are you talking about?

And then I could rent it to you till you find a new place.


How could you afford this place?

Have you been dealing drugs?

No, I'm thrifty.

I cut my own hair. I walk to work.

I eat Scully's lunch every day.

I've rented the same crap box since I was 20

'cause it's so cheap.

I've saved up money, and I'm looking for a real estate opportunity.

Ew. A real estate opportunity?

Are you being serious?

We were drinking 40's this morning.

I'm saying I could give you a fair rent because I would be your landlady.

Whoa, whoa, you be my landlady?

You're Gina.

Your lifelong dream is to be on wife swap.

You call gum "the dentist."

You think Ray J is a national treasure.

Yeah, so what? I'm eclectic.

You're not better than me, okay?

And I'm glad that I still own this place because I can happily invite you to leave.

[Laughs] Grow up, Jake.

[Imitating gina] "Grow up, Jake."

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, thanks for your help.

Old-school styles.

I take back the "Z"!


Whoa, you okay?


Just checking out my new bedroom.

Oh, good.

It feels like scoliosis and smells like 10 million butts.

I take it your apartment thing didn't work out.

When did everyone decide to become an adult?

I mean, I know you were born in your fifties, but come on.


Get this.

Gina just offered to buy Nana's apartment as a real estate opportunity and become my "landlady."

Jake... I know.

She was just trying to help, but we've known each other since we were kids, you know?

I got her her job.

Which an ice cream cone could do, by the way.

And now I find out she's been saving all these years?

Jake... I know.

The person that I'm really mad at is myself for screwing this whole thing up.

I gotta talk to Gina. Thanks for your help, Amy.

Didn't say anything, don't want credit in case it goes wrong.

Yeah, that's smart, given my track record.

Hey, wait.

What would you say Holt thinks my biggest flaw is?

Who care what Holt thinks?

What's most important is what I think your biggest flaw is.

And there are so many to choose from...

Too competitive, prone to jealousy, bit of a killjoy, your shame cigarettes.

Oh, my God. But your biggest flaw is...

You suck at throwing away your secret lists.

Well, that was fun today.

Although I'm pretty sure I caught some form of face lice from that bag of hair.

Being a cop is dangerous.

Although I knew that going in.

Yeah, it was fun. Hey, you wanna grab a drink?

Oh, shoot, I would, but I'm meeting Vivian for that romantic pig colon dinner.

[Sighs] Hey, Rosa.

I want to apologize.

I haven't been much fun to hang out with over the last year or so on account of all the asking you out and smelling your hair and staring at you from point-blank range.

Yeah, you were a real weirdo. Mm-hmm.

But you're pretty cool now that you're in love with someone else.

Have a nice dinner.

Oh, we will.

They make a sorbet out of the tail.

See ya.

Excuse me, Captain.

What are you doing, sergeant?

I'm going to yell at you, and I don't want Santiago to read my lips.

Excuse me?

You were completely unfair to my squad today.

Santiago is one of your best detectives.

And all you wanted to do was play mind games with her.

Scully and Hitchcock only arrested 14 people, but that's 8 more than last year.

They only arrested 6 people last year?

And I know Peralta can be childish, but he leads the precinct in collars, and he's grown up a heck of a lot since you got here.

Okay, sit down, sergeant.

I'm going to do your evaluation now.

Sergeant Jeffords, you're right.

I have been hard on the squad.

You're a good leader.

And just the fact that you're willing to stand up for them is one of the reasons they respect you so much.

I could learn something from you.

You have every right to feel like, um, um, what was it you said this morning?

Proud mama hen, sir.

A proud...

Mama hen.

[Knock at door]

What do you want, Jake?

I'm watching Oprah's legends ball, which is what I do every time a close friend hurts my feelings.

I came here to apologize.

Look, I was mad at you for being more together than me, and that's not fair.

I felt stupid, so I acted out.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, you were stupid, and you should be sorry, Jake.

But watching Oprah have brunch with her strong woman friends has taught me that it's okay to forgive.


Also, you should buy Nana's place.

Not for me.

You should live there.

You love that apartment, and you said so yourself.

It's a great investment.

Where are you gonna live?


I'll sublet from you.

I actually ran the numbers.

I'd keep paying the same amount of rent, and you would turn a small profit.

It's a starter apartment, and it's my fault for starting when I'm 33.


You have a deal. All right.

Shake, shake.


[Knock at door]

Hello, Detective.

Is there a reason you're interrupting me mid-soup?


I'm ready for my self-evaluation.

So I asked Peralta what you thought my biggest flaw was, and he said, "who cares what Holt thinks?"

That's not surprising.

He's very disrespectful.

But he's not wrong.

My biggest flaw is that I care too much what you think of me.

I should be more confident in my own judgment, and I am so sure of that, I don't even care if you think I'm right.

Evaluation over.

Enjoy your soup.