01x20 - Fancy Brudgom

All right, gang, Diet Day Four.

How's everyone holding up?

Honestly, I'm going to last forever.

You hear that, bitches? ♪ I'm gonna last forever ♪

Amy: I'm doing great.

This morning the homeless guy on my stoop said my skin looked dope.

What's going on?

Why do you all have matching bags?

We're doing a diet together. My wife found it.

She heard about it at Mommy And Me Graphic Design.

Wait, it might've been Toddler Karate.

[Chuckles] She takes our little ladies to so many classes, I can't keep it straight.

Childhood is truly a time of wonder.

Amy: This diet is very scientific, sir.

All the meals are pre-planned and delivered to your doorstep.

This is our breakfast: An orange wedge, three cashew nuts... and a solitarie grape.

It's actually more than you realize.

Sometimes I can't even finish all the grape.

This seems unnecessary to me. You're all in perfect shape.

You can always be healthier, sir.

Amy: And I like the challenge.

Plus, it's good team building.

We're gonna get through this together.

Hey, guys, pro tip.

Lick the baggie. There's food molecules in there.

Oh. Oh, that's so smart.

Mmm.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

What are you doing here? Isn't it your day off?

Yeah, stalker. It is my day off.

But I am here to meet Charles.

Did you hear what he did last night?

Drink it, Jake. Drink it.

What's up your tiny sleeve?

[Gags] Oh!

Why is there a bow tie in here?

Wait a minute.

Jake Peralta, will you be my best man?

Yes. Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Wow. Best man.

So are you gonna set up shop in a strip club?

What kind of shop would I set up?

Hand sanitizer. I would sell hand sanitizer.

And no.

I was hoping that my best-man duties would be all whiskey and cigars, but this is Charles we're talking about.

So we've got two straight days of wedding planning, plus, he gave me this to prep.

Fancy Brudgom!

It means "fancy groom" in Danish.

According to Charles, the Danes throw the most beautiful weddings in the world and the most violent funerals.

This does not look like something you'd be into.

Normally, yes.

But I am now Charles's forlover...

"best man," Danish.

So it is my duty to support him, no matter what weird, crazy, Charles-y ideas he has.

Let's do this.

There he is! My groom!

Hello, my big, beautiful B.M.!

"Best man." Just "best man" is fine.

I hope you're rested.

We're gonna be on our feet all day.

I am totally prepared. I even bought some nurse shoes.

I love them! Mm-hmm!

Let me grab this! Let me grab this!

Let me grab this!

Grab me!

First stop, kagesmagning! Cake tasting!

Wow.

You wanted to see me, sir?

I understand you stopped by the patrol officers' morning briefing.

Yeah.

Officer Deetmore helped me out with my crime scene, so I gave him a little thank-you present.

Hey, Deetmore.

If you're gonna bag evidence like a five-year-old, you should have the proper tools.

It's a "My First Police Kit."

The walkie-talkie blows bubbles.

Hope you can handle it.

[Laughter]

He mislabeled the weapon, like an idiot.

And it almost got filed with the wrong case.

He could've blown months of work!

You humiliated Officer Deetmore in front of his peers.

He submitted an official complaint against you.

Did he fill it out in crayon?

No.

But he did use a green pen, which seems crazy to me.

The good news is, if you go down there and apologize, he'll let the whole thing go.

Fine. I'm great at apologizing.

I'm a very sweet person.

Out of my way, Chunk.

Ooh!

[Sighs] Jake, I got to tell ya, the engaged life is amazing, especially sexually.

Well, I don't want to pry.

You're not prying. I want you to know this. - No.

Vivian and I have a wonderful intercourse itinerary that we have planned.

Ah, ha!

I'm usually more of a chocolate guy, but this one's closer, so I'm gonna do that.

Oh! Hot, hot!

Spicy cake! Why?

That's habanero pepper frosting, because our marriage is going to...

♪ Sizzle ♪

Unless you think it's a bad idea.

No.

Sounds like a great idea, Oprah.

Two... One.

Okay, be kind.

I don't have a model's body like you.

Come on, show me what you got.

Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly.

Liberace, Diane keaton.

Roger that.

God.

Charles, Charles. You're not Scottish.

Yeah, get back in there, Braveheart.

Summer linen suit... casual but classic.

Actually not bad.

One question... can you see my underwear?

Ah, thong! Why are you wearing a thong?

It's my something borrowed.

Get back in there.

[Cell phone beeps]

Both: Yes!

Lunchtime. Wait's over.

That was easy.

Totally.

I feel like we just had our snack an hour and 17 minutes ago.

I never got into diets...

Though I did take diet pills in the '70s.

I love these pills. They give me so much energy.

And I can eat whatever I want.

Oh, God!

He's dead!

Actually, I was in a coma.

When I woke up, I had so much mail.

Weight-loss science has come a long way since then.

Mm-hmm. [Chuckles]

"Ingredients... carrot." Got to respect that.

[Groans] Damn, Gina!

What is that?

Oh, it's a sloppy Jessica.

Mac 'n' cheese, chili, pizza on a bun.

It's everything I've wanted to eat for the last 48 hours.

Mmm. Mmm.

What happened?

I thought you were gonna "last forever, bitches!"

Turns out I gave up easy.

You hear that, bitches?

I gave up so easy!

Thank you!

Hey, are you sure it's a good idea to eat all this shawarma right before your tux fitting?

Oh, yeah.

I'm not gonna be one of those grooms who doesn't eat.

Mm-hmm.

Hey.

Thanks for being so supportive all day.

Best man... whatever you need, I will do.

Actually, there is one thing.

Do you have a pen I could borrow to sign these forms?

You bet I don't have a pen. I never do.

But I will get you one.

What is it, some sort of marriage license thingy?

Oh, no, it's my retirement paperwork.

What? Shut up. What? Yeah.

Vivian got a job in suburban Ottawa.

She wants me to retire from the NYPD and go with her.

Retire?

Boyle, we're supposed to die on the force together... me in a big explosion, and you committing suicide at my funeral out of respect.

I know.

But Vivian needs to make this move for her career, and I'm excited to go.

I mean, suburban Ottawa's great.

It has everything Brooklyn does.

Really?

Yes...

Other than my job and my friends and my family, you, interesting people, museums, restaurants, every other reason that I have to live.

Okay, I'm kind of picking up on a couple of clues that you maybe don't want to retire in Canada.

Oh, my God.

Jake, you're such an amazing detective.

I don't want to go.

Okay, Boyle, let's strategize on how you're gonna tell Vivian that you don't want to move to Canada.

No, Jake, I'm not gonna say anything.

Just drop it.

We have the perfect relationship.

We've never fought.

I don't want to mess up and ruin it.

She's my everything.

Move your testicles to the left.

10-4.

She's your fiancee.

You can't be scared to talk to her.

Testicles to the right...

You know, can we actually cool it on the testicles for a minute?

No, I'm on the testicle part.

[Sighs]

Honestly, Jake, I wouldn't even know how to bring it up.

What if it goes badly?

It won't. Just tell her how you feel.

Say something like, "Vivian, I love you, but we need to talk about Ottawa."

Right. And then she'll say, "you're a selfish man-pig, and I hope you die alone, and I never loved you."

Oh, God. She never loved me.

She's not gonna say any of that because she's not criminally insane.

Okay, just calm down.

We'll think of something together.

We're going to the stationery store next.

We can write a bunch of stuff down.

It's gonna be all right. Take a deep breath.

No deep breaths.

Makes the testicles clap.

Mm.

Detective Diaz.

How's your apology to officer Deetmore coming?

I've been working on a letter to send him.

Yes, I saw a draft of it on your desk.

What did you think?

It was so horrifying, I had to destroy the whole pad.

Just go downstairs and apologize.

Fine. I'll say, "I'm sorry."

No, be sincere, like this...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Good. That's the one.

Still working on that afternoon almond?

I've been sucking on it so long, it's smooth.

It's like sea glass.

You do you.

[Gasps]

[Dramatic music]

I'll get that for you, Ames.

[Pained gasp]

[Crunching]

Oops! [Squeaks]

Butter feet... sorry about that.

Sorry? You bumbling son of a bitch!

You just ruined my life!

I hope you get hit by a truck and a dog takes a dump on your face!

Nothing to see here... just a little hypoglycemic rage.

Move along.

I'm so sorry, Hitchcock. That's not me.

I'm never like that.

That's okay. It was my fault.

I shouldn't have bumped your cashew.

Cashew? It was an almond, you idiot!

I hope you drown in a tub!

I hope you have aneurysm after aneurysm after aneurysm!

Jake: Okay, buddy.

We have got some great opening lines here, three very reasonable explanations as to why you don't want to go to Canada, and four very attractive options for your invitation card stock.

Well, I like " Romantic Opening 'C.' " this page about how my life is New York, and I love the Chantilly Ecru paper for place cards.

That is an excellent choice.

Those are all excellent choices.

You can do this.

You're a smart and wonderful man.

With fantastic handwriting.

Sure, with fantastic handwriting.

You really think so?

Yeah, I think that you could be a professional calligrapher.

Charles, a professional calligrapher.

You can do anything, including, but not limited to, talking to Vivian.

Right. Right. Right.

Look, I know it's gonna be hard.

And she might even get mad at you.

But I promise you will be back to doing weird s*x stuff together in no time.

[Sighs] All right.

All right, I'm gonna go talk to Vivi.

Great idea, buddy! Eh?

Yep!

Yeah!


So who's gonna pay for the paper?

It's gonna be $250.

Her name is Amy Santiago.

Gina: Lick, lick, lick.

It's an ice cream cone. [Laughs]

You can't tempt me, traitor, not when I got this big, juicy cantaloupe wedge to keep me company.

It's so thin I can see through it.

Santiago!

Come hold this so it looks bigger in your tiny hand.

Aw, Amy left the building 20 minutes ago.

That doesn't make sense.

Santiago loves cantaloupe time.

We wrote a song about it.

♪ Cantaloupe ♪
♪ Cantaloupe ♪

It's just nonsense without her singing the high parts.

Where is she?

Terry: Amy, where are you? It's cantaloupe time!

Santiago! Stop!

It's not too late.

I failed, Sarge.

This is my second burger.

Okay, I lied. It's my fourth!

You both betrayed me. That's okay.

I can do this all on my own, I don't need you!

I can even sing the high parts!

[Deep voice] ♪ cantaloupe ♪

[High-pitched voice] ♪ yes, I can ♪

[Deep voice] ♪ cantaloupe ♪

[High-pitched voice] ♪ yes, I can ♪

Traitors!

Officer Deetmore...

I came down here to say I'm sorry.

Oh, good. Go ahead.

No, that was it. I did it. I said, "I'm sorry."

Hey, I said it again.

Now I got one in the bank, so I can do whatever I want to you.

What are you even sorry for?

Come on, man.

I said the words. I paused afterwards.

I even averted my gaze to make you feel like the Alpha.

Yeah, but you didn't mean it.

I'd like you to apologize like you mean it.

Fine.

I'm sorry you screwed up my case.

I'm sorry you're a terrible cop.

I'm sorry for your goat face and your rodent brain and your weird goose body.

I meant all of that.

Hope you feel better.

Hey!

So? How'd it go with Vivian last night?

Great. It went so great.

I went to her apartment. I sat down face-to-face.

Then I panicked and totally bailed.

Oh, no.

But the good news is, she's on her way here, and you're gonna talk to her for me.

Oh, no.

Just tell her I absolutely shouldn't retire and move to Canada, but don't tell her I think that.

Hi!

Hi, Vivian!

Both: Mwah!

[Laughs] Hi, Jake!

Vivian! [Laughing]

Jake, you're so sweet!

Charles told me you insisted that I come to breakfast.

Because of it being such an important one.

Meal, I mean.

You know that in ancient Egypt, the peasants drank beer for breakfast?

Well, that explains why all their buildings were crooked.

Charles, can I see you in the bathroom for a second?

I've got a mole on my back that needs a looking-at, and Charles has eyes.

I do.

All right, so let's see that mole.

What? Get off of me! That was a fake excuse.

Of course. Totally.

Look, I can't talk to Vivian for you. This is crazy.

[Sighs] I tried talking to her, just like we practiced.

But every time I bring up Ottawa, she says how excited she is about our future.

Then we made love.

Don't say "made love."

Fine, we had wonder-sex.

I don't want to know what that is.

I don't want to move to Canada.

But I can't lose her.

You're my best man. Please help me.

Fine. I'll try.

Okay, but bring it up naturally, so she doesn't think I put you up to it.

Sure. How hard could that be?

I'm constantly talking about suburban Ottawa.

[Sighs]

Wait, don't go! I still have to pee.

Why would I stay for that?

Is it cool if I just stare at your croissants for a little while?

Sarge!

You need to stop this diet.

Amy and I folded. You won.

It's not a competition. We were on the same team, until you deserted me for team eating food!

Was that a good burn? I'm too hungry to tell.

It was a great burn, sir. Now please eat. You look weak.

I'm fine.

I am stronger than ever!

Watch this.

Sarge, what are you... what are you doing?

No, no, no, no, no. No!

[Grunting]

Amy: Wow.

[Breathing heavily]

See? I'm fine! [Stomach gurgling]

What is happening?

Just a tummy gurgle. Diet messed up my system.

Oh, no.

[Farting]

[Groaning]

[Continues farting] Go back inside!

Are you talking to us or the fart?

So, Vivian, do you ever go watch hockey?

No, I'm not one for sports.

Of course you're not.

My graduate student told me the craziest story about her family.

[Laughing] That's hilarious!

Hey, can you pass me the maple syrup, please?

Speaking of, where does the best maple syrup come from again?

Vermont.

Oh, and Canada.

Canada? Hey, that reminds me.

Weren't the two of you talking about maybe moving there?

Oh, yeah, we are so excited to start this new chapter of our lives together.

Yeah. Well, although I have to say, as someone who's read many of the older chapters in Charles's life, I wonder if that's the best thing for him.

That's so sweet of you to care, but...

Chuck is excited about moving to Canada, right, baby?

Mm, mouth full. I love you.

But what about his job and all of his friends and his Brooklyn-based pizza blog?

Do they even have pizza in Canada?

Yes, it's puffier, and it's sweet.

It's called Manitoba Sauce Cake.

Okay, there's no way Charles wants that.

Jake, I think you're overstepping here.

Charles and I both want to move to Canada.

Is that true, Charles? Is that what you want?

Uh, yeah.

I want to retire from the force and move to Ottawa with Vivian.

And frankly, I have no idea why you're getting involved.

And no one asked for your stupid opinion.

Vivi...

We're leaving.

What?

Detective Diaz...

I gather that, once again, things did not go well with Officer Deetmore.

All due respect, sir, it's how I was trained.

You mess up, you get made fun of.

It's like scientist zapping a rat when it messes up in a maze.

Oh, I get it.

When I was a young officer, I was that rat and got zapped.

And all I wanted was to be captain and throw some lightning bolts.

Emperor Palpatine. [Buzzes]

I do not know who that is.

But a real leader doesn't zap people when they mess up.

They teach them how to fix the problem.

I think you're a leader.

So act like one.

I'll try. I'm sorry.

Please, Diaz. No need to make a scene.

I can't believe he's moving to Canada.

I know.

And I tried to help him, and he fully threw me under the bus.

So I quit as best man.

Jake.

What?

I did everything right.

I was loyal. I put up with all his dumb ideas, his spicy cake, his champagne made out of olives, reading his vows as a recipe.

"One teaspoon eternal love, a dash of peeing with the door open."

Okay. That's hard to hear.

Yeah.

I just don't understand why he's being so weird.

I can't believe he would turn on me like this.

He's not being himself.

Maybe because he's facing a terrible decision and he doesn't know what to do.

Yeah, that sounds right.

I think he needs his farm lover.

It's pronounced "for-lohver."

I don't have time to teach you Danish.

I gotta go help Charles!

I'll find out where he is and text you.

That would be helpful!

Charles, get in the car.

No!

Go to heck! [Siren wails]

Don't siren me.

You quit on me as best man, I'm not talking to you.

Police. Stop walking.

[Grunts]

Ah, I hate that I'm so by the book.

Listen, Boyle, you're not handing in those retirement papers without telling Vivian how you feel.

I won't let you.

Oh, really? And how are you gonna stop me?

Baton to the knee.

Baton to the knee?

[Thud] Ahh! Oh!

Hey, Deetmore.

I'm sorry for making fun of you in front of everybody...

And also for making fun of you behind your back.

Didn't know you did that, but thank you for the apology.

I'm not done.

Also, I'm sorry for making fun of you during my book club.

Those people don't even know you.

That was uncool.

Also, I'm sorry... it's okay. I get it.

No.

Also, I'm sorry that I didn't take the time to show you how to fix your mistake.

Come on, we can go over it upstairs.

Thanks. That'd be great.

Oh, one more sorry.

You're about to see a drawing I did of you in the elevator.

Just remember I was really pissed at you at the time.

[Elevator bell dings]

I'm unquitting as your best man.

Oh, how kind of you.

Are you also taking me to the knee hospital?

Your knee is fine.

Besides, you had it coming for throwing me under the bus like that.

I'm sorry. I was terrible to you.

It's just I don't know what to do.

I know, it's tough.

But I'm here to support you and not just in your weird, awful wedding decisions.

"Awful"?

Uh-oh. Did I just plan the worst wedding in history?

Second worst. Red Wedding, Game Of Thrones.

And, no, your wedding is gonna be incredible because it's exactly what you want.

What you don't want is to go to Canada.

So I don't care how many buses you throw me under, I'm making you talk to Vivian.

Okay, thanks. You're right.

And you know what? I'm ready.

No, I'm not! I'm running away!

Boyle, no!

I'm not ready! I'm not ready! I'm not ready!

Hey, superstar.

Why the long fart? Oh, I meant "face."

Why the long face?

Keep walking, Linetti.

Okay, but this shake is really good.

Listen. Shh, shh.

Listen.

[Slurping]

That's it! I give up.

Why do you care so much about this diet?

Just stop. You're in perfect shape.

Mm! Amen!

I'm not doing it for me.

My wife is on a diet.

She's a little self-conscious about her body since giving birth to twins.

It's crazy!

I think she looks perfect, and I tell her that all the time.

Mm, and I love that you do that, Terry.

She's running around after those girls all day, and I'm not there to help out.

This was one thing I thought I could do with her.

But I'm too weak.

Just hand me that milkshake.

Okay.

Hey, what are you doing? What...

Thank you.

We are still a team, and we will keep you from eating so you can support your wife.

Thank you, team.

However, just to be clear, Gina and I are still gonna eat.

I'm eating right now, Terry... corndog.

Come on. There we go.

[Grunts]

You got this, all right?

Ah, hello, Vivian. Charles has something he'd like to say.

In case he tries to flee.

[Sighs]

Vivian...

We need to talk about Ottawa.

Jake.

Oh.

Hey.

How'd it go? Everything okay?

Vivian and I talked for hours.

There's a lot more to discuss, but it's a start.

And you were right. She didn't dump me.

You did good. I know you were scared.

Hey...

Your duties as best man aren't over yet.

What? Whiskey and cigars!

Mm-hmm.

Thanks for being the best best man.

To the fancy brudgom!

[Sighs]

Ah! Ah, spicy! Why is that spicy?

Man: Not a doctor. Shh.