02x02 - Chocolate Milk

Terry: Okay, great.

I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks, doctor.

Have a good one.

Hey there, sarge.

Not to pry but I couldn't help but overhear...

You're going to the doctor? Everything okay?

I'm getting a vasectomy.

My ears are burning. Did someone say "vasectomy?"

I got snipped. No big deal.

Just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.

It's not supposed to.

"Trunk to skunk"?

Hold it up.

You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there?

You are blessed with a great power.

And you should never snip its wings.

You should let it soar.

Thanks guys, that's enough. I don't need anymore input.

Neither does your wife, I guess.

Look, you guys, if the sergeant wants to chop off his pen1s, that is his choice.

That's not what a vasectomy is.

If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives.

And blanks!

Sorry. I just never think of jokes.

Anybody else? This is your last chance.

Oh, God. No need to be so testes.

Guess you won't be manning the "tip line."

Sergeant, is this gonna go on your "sperm-anent record"?

Now playing: "Scrotal recall"!

♪ ♪

Hey sarge, great news.

I just got assigned such a dope stabbing.

Sorry, the stabbing part is bad.

But here's the dope part: The guy survived and he owns a chocolate milk restaurant.

Seriously? I know, right?

Finally, a dumb Brooklyn hipster trend my mouth and I can get behind.

Wanna hop on the case with me?

We're a killer team.

Jeffords and Peralta.

Jake and Terry.

Chocolate and milk.

I mean, I'm the chocolate and you're the milk 'cause you're so full of protein!

Don't be mad! Just do the case!

Okay, but I have my vasectomy today.

So I need to be back in a few hours to catch my ride to the doctor's.

My neighbor's driving me because my wife's out of town with the girls.

Why don't I drive you?

I don't know.

I guess I didn't really think of you as that kind of friend.

Sarge, I'm every kind of friend.

I'm Phoebe, I'm Chandler, I'm Rachel, I'm...

Who's the dinosaur guy?

Ross, bro! Ross!

Sorry, I forgot you were such a ross-head.

So look, we'll work this thing together and afterwards, I will be your friend chariot to the penis-removal of the century.

The new NYPD commissioner is planning a complete reorganization of the force.

But first, he'll be sending a deputy chief to every precinct to conduct a top to bottom evaluation.

What? When? Are we gonna be graded?

Or is this just some pass/fail garbage?

Scale of one-to-five.

That's how many letter grades there are.

Feels like they're just being weird using numbers instead of letters.

Yeah, they're being weird right now.

Boyle. Diaz.

I want the evidence room organized beyond reproach.

Santiago, when I greet the deputy chief, I want you there by my side to make a good impression.

No offense, but you are something of a teacher's pet.

None taken! People love their pets.

Good news is our evaluation will be done by deputy chief Brandt.

We have a good rapport. He was once my captain.

So he's kind of like our grand-captain.

That is amazingly funny.

Well, I was closing up around 11:00.

I heard the door open.

I just figured it was some "milkers."

That's what we call our regulars.

Do ya?

Anyway, next thing I know, the guy stabs me in the back like... like right here!

Like some kind of psycho wuss!

Can you think of anyone who might wanna harm you?

[Blows raspberries] Yeah.

I mean, you don't get into this line of business to make friends.

Really? I would think making chocolate milk is a great way to make friends.

I don't have proof, but the guy who did this to me is my business partner, Gregory Phillips.

He's still pissed at me because I banned him from my 'straunt.

He was supposed to be my silent partner, but he wasn't silent.

He was trying to control everything.

Here, try this.

All right, here we go. Finally!

Terry: All right.

Oh! Ugh! It's so bitter!

What's wrong with this chocolate milk?

Dark milk isn't chocolate milk.

[Gasps]

This is teat-to-mouth raw cow's milk.

The bitterness of the chocolate brings out the sourness in the milk.

That's the worst part of both of those things!

Uh, time for my appointment, Jake.

Yup, got it.

All right, we'll look into this and get back to you.

Okay, sarge.

Hate to be "that kind of a friend," but let's go chop off that pen1s.

Where were you? This is chaos.

Gina's been filing evidence by "perp hotness."

I'm so sorry, I just got some bad news.

My sister was gonna go with me to an engagement party but she had to cancel.

So go alone. Maybe you'll meet some new bag.

It's my ex-wife Eleanor's engagement party.

I can't go alone.

I'm worried it might seem a little pathetic.

Yeah, if only you could've gone with your sister.

Dude, why are you going to your ex-wife's engagement party at all?

She and her fiance, Hercules, are also my landlords.

I mean, it's not like I can avoid them.

I live in their basement.

Hey!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? No.

You could go with me. Can't.

I have a date tomorrow night. Okay.

I will figure something out.

I know!

Maybe if I pay my neighbor, Joann, she'll ditch her wife for the night!

Captain, I don't know if this is too much but I got deputy chief Brandt this little basket of pears.

They look ripe and crispy.

Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond.

Captain Wuntch. Good to see you.

But if you're here, who's guarding Hades?

It's deputy chief Wuntch now.

Unsurprisingly, I've been promoted above you.

And now I'm here to evaluate you.

Holt: What happened to Brandt?

He retired and moved to Charleston to be closer to his grandchildren.

So much for dying at your desk with a little dignity.

Interesting.

I will attempt to cooperate with you.

Under these new circumstances.

Don't sweet-talk me, Holt.

I gave it my best shot. Let's begin.

Hey, hey!

How'd it go?

Is his voice all high-pitched now?

What? No, of course not.

Of course not.

Jake!

The doctors made me into a superhero!

I am so strong!

[Gasps] And they made me black!

He's on a lot of medication.

We weren't able to do the procedure.

Your friend is so large...

That you needed a bigger saw to get through his dingus?

No, his body is so physically massive that we didn't have enough anesthesia on hand.

He needs a much larger dose.

Psst... psst... Jake.

Sometimes I can't tell my twin baby girls apart, so I call them both "boo-boo."

[Both laughing]

Wow. So he has no filter whatsoever?

None.

I'm gonna take ya home now, sarge.

Hey, what do you think of captain Holt?

He needs to smoke some weed.

Yes!

Thank you, Dr. Penis-off!

Okay, in ya go. You're okay.

Whoo! Cool!

Dude, your head is so small!

Like a...

No, no, it's so small!

All right.

Where do you keep your brains?

[Terry roaring]

Good.

All right, got your PJS on, read you a story, checked under the bed for monsters.

Check again!

And now it's sleepy-time, so here we go...

Wait, wait, wait...

You gotta promise me you won't let them give me the operation.

I wanna have more kids. I don't want the vasectomy.

Promise me, tiny head! Promise me!

All right, I promise! I promise.

Good!

Because I'm not done with my testicles yet.

Okay.

I'm gonna let them sing!

[Vocalizing operatically]

Uh-oh, walk of shame!

Same clothes as yesterday.

I slept at the sarge's.

It was horrible.

Come... here... Phone!

All right, let's get going and interview that suspect.

I have my make-up vasectomy this afternoon so...

I'm sorry, your what-what vasectomy?

Last night, you told me you didn't want that.

Then you fell on top of me and changed the shape of my skeleton forever.

No, I definitely want one.

That was the drugs talking. I was high as a kite.

Did I do this and call you "tiny head?" Yes.

Some things are coming back to me now.

Oh, that's great.

[Terry laughs] Tiny head.

Jake, I am so scared that man is about to make a huge mistake, re: His vas deferens.

I know, he made me promise to not let him get that surgery.

And it wasn't just the drugs. He doesn't want this.

As his friend, it's my job to stop him.

[Back cracks, groans in pain]

Sorry, Terry turned my spine into a loose stack of pebbles.

And since my arrival, violent crime has gone down by 17.3%, as you can see here.

Two-toned graphs?

You think you can distract me from the precinct's problems with a flashy presentation?

Same old Ray Holt.

All sizzle, no steak.

I'm off to do some spot-checks.

Oh, my God. She's totally gonna flunk us.

I haven't gotten an "F" since I failed recess in second grade.

"Teachers need a break too, Amy."


We were doomed the minute she slithered into the precinct.

It's funny. When we first met, we had some good times.

Looks like we both want that stapler.

Seems that way based on what happened.

[Both laughing]

So when did it all go south?

1989. I was up for a big promotion, which would've fast-tracked my career.

Wuntch offered to write a letter on my behalf but instead, she torpedoed me because of something that happened the night before she was to turn it in.

Madeline.

Would you care for a drink?

I'd love one.

I'm sure you can tell I'm quite drunk.

I've had a couple to build up the nerve.

I think we both know what I'm about to say.

Raymond...

I don't think we need to say anything.

I'm gay.

That's what I was going to tell you.

Well, then.

She sabotaged my career because I refused to bed her.

He thinks I stabbed him? That's crazy.

He said you were furious at him because he banned you from the restaurant and called your business plans "terrible."

The text reads: "Your ideas are dumb-dumb batter in a stupid pancake, you steaming pile of human fences."

I assume that was auto-corrected from "feces."

Look, partners fight. He's difficult to work with, but I would never try and kill him.

Where were you on monday around 10:00 pm?

Me and my business school buddies get together every monday and have a couple beers.

Also, there's a... uh... Pilates studio with a huge window across the street so it's a pretty sweet view.

I guess that's not as bad as stabbing someone?

I left around 10:00, I took the subway home, got off at York street, around my house, puked on a statue, went to bed.

Classy. All right, well, we've taken up enough of your time enjoy the rest of your day and go back to your life as "a pile of human fences."

Okay, let's see if any of DRK MLK's neighbors saw the pilates perv or anyone else fleeing the scene of the crime.

Copy that.

We'll do some cop stuff, have a heart-to-heart about your vasectomy, cancel your vasectomy, grab some drinks, laugh about the time you almost got a vasectomy.

Stop worrying about my vasectomy, man.

Maybe you should focus on your own body.

When's the last time you had a carrot?

Well, it's my least favorite type of cake, so rarely.

If I absolutely have to, I'll just eat the frosting.

Hey! Cut it out, cake boy.

You're making health insurance more expensive for everyone else!

Yeah? Well, you know what else drives up premiums?

Unwanted genital removal!

[Door opens]

[Sighs in relief] Thank you for coming.

I wasn't sure if you'd get my message.

Charles, it was kind of hard to miss.

Oh, God!

Hey, I didn't know what to do.

You said we weren't allowed to talk at work now that we're knocking boots.

Ew, gross.

Listen, my ex-wife's throwing an engagement party this weekend and I was wondering if you wanted to go...

As friends.

No, Charles, just because we have secret, shameful s*x does not mean we are friends.

Forget friends. Let's go as "bone bros."

Ugh!

I didn't strike you when you said "knocking boots," but "bone bros"? I cannot abide.

Have you seen this man around DRK MLK.

Oh, I don't go there.

They don't allow babies in there.

What is wrong with them?

All I drank when I was a baby was chocolate milk.

Well, thank you for your time.

And thank you, adorable little baby, who's probably giving my partner some mixed feelings right about now.

"Don't get the operation, sarge!

Instead, make a tiny muscular friend for me to play with!"

That's enough.

I'm with you. That's enough, baby.

Mind your own business.

I haven't heard of DRK MLK and I've never seen this man before.

This is your lead? Why are we here?

Well, according to the lnternet, Dr. Mindel is the best couples counselor in the Park slope area, who accepts same day walk-ins.

Couples counseling?

Sorry for wasting your time.

Wait, please don't leave.

This cost me so much money. [Door closes]

I am so sorry.

He's walking out.

Just like your father did.

Wait a minute, I didn't tell you about that.

Didn't have to.

You are good!

Sarge, wait up! Come on, don't be mad!

Look, I'm only trying to protect you from your very stupid self.

That is enough, Jake!

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

And the things you said when you were whacked-out were real.

You made me promise. And as your friend...

I told you, Jake.

We're not that kind of friends.

Not what kind of friends?

"Friend" friends.

You and I are work friends.

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to the doctor's office.

Not good enough.

Prepare to be physically overpowered by a "friend" friend.

Argh!

Cancel the appointment! I've got you!

You can't move.

Concede defeat, sir.

You have been conquered.

Madeline: Spot-checks are done.

Needless to say, I thoroughly underwhelmed.

Huh. From your expression, I would've guessed constipated or chilly.

Excuse me, captain, I don't want to say that I saved the day, but I will because I did.

So...

The letter of recommendation she wrote for you 25 years ago.

Where'd you get this?

I just went down to one police plaza and applied some of my signature Amy charm.

And then when you wouldn't stop, they just gave it to you?

More or less.

The point is, the letter's very positive.

You thought she wrote mean stuff about you because of the... Night before.

But she didn't. It was all a misunderstanding.

Madeline: Wait a minute...

You thought I cost you that promotion because you're gay?

That's what you've been mad about all these years?

It's... one reason.

I don't care that you rejected my advances.

Your sexual identity is the one thing I actually respect about you.

Then what are you mad about?

I'm mad because you tried to get me thrown off the force.

Yeah, because you shot me.

I shot you because you were in the wrong position.

You weren't following orders.

What about the time you destroyed my personnel file while I was undercover?

What if there had been a mole?

You were trying to make me disappear.

You embarrassed me in front of Derek Jeter!

You embarrassed yourself in front of Derek Jeter.

Charles: Hey, Rosa!

Better file me under "E" for "edgy."

What?

Cornrows!

Why?

My ex-wife and her fiance go to Jamaica all the time.

The theme of their party is: "Jamaican me marry you."

So good!

So...

I still don't have a date.

Unless this sweet maize-head has changed your mind.

I think we both know it hasn't.

We do. [Clears throat]

Fair enough.

[Exhales deeply]

Why do you look so terrible?

I tried to stop sarge from getting his tubes tied.

But he somehow managed to sneak off to the hospital.

Zip that lip! He's doing it?

He wouldn't listen to me. He said I was a "work friend."

Ah, that chills me. And it reminds me of a story.

I had this sweater, and it was a work sweater because it only seemed work apropes, but then one time, I wore it out to dinner and I was like, "oh, dang!

This sweater is cute everywhere."

I get it. I'm the sweater.

No.

And I have to show the sarge I can be a good friend to him outside of work too.

No!

Thank you, Gina.

I'm gonna stop him.

Jake, I have no idea what you're talking about, but good luck!

Well, good-bye, Raymond.

Anything you'd like to say to me before I complete my evaluation?

Something in the form of groveling?

Never. Fail me if you must.

You're just gonna let her fail us?

I'm sorry about your precious grade, Santiago, but this isn't about you.

Don't "this isn't about you" me!

I'm "this isn't about you"-ing you!

That grade is the only thing standing between me and a future where you're not my captain anymore.

Wuntch failed the nine-oh and their captain was fired.

I attempted to cajole her but she rebuffed me.

I'm not a man of unlimited cajoling.

Well, you better become one because I need you in command.

This precinct needs you in command.

Cajole up, captain.

Sarge, hey!

What the hell are you doing here, tiny head?

You better not be trying to talk me out of my surgery again.

Look, I'm not trying to talk you out of anything.

I'm just here to give you a ride home and to prove to you once and for all that I'm more than just a work friend.

Thank you, microscope head.

Hey, a little bit of good news!

I figured out the case!

Remember Gregory said he got off at the York street station the night of the stabbing?

Well, I took the subway here and it's closed for construction.

Hmm...

So what you're saying is...

I stabbed him.

I did it.

You know what? We'll talk about it tomorrow.

See you on the other side.

Jake, you were right!

I don't want the surgery, Tiny Head!

NYPD!

Put down the scalpel and step away from my work friend's weiner-tubes!

Looking good, Boyle!

Ugh, that's not a good sign.

Hey, mon.

Rosa... You changed your mind!

I blew off my date, and instead, I'm going to spend a hellish evening in a Jamaican torture chamber with you.

Really? Yeah.

Here's what's about to happen.

We're gonna go to this terrible party, I'm gonna laugh at all your jokes, gonna talk about your medal of valor, and I'm gonna make you look like a Jamaican God of rhythm.

Sebastian from The Little Mermaid.

Also, tomorrow, I'm gonna help you find a new apartment.

You can't live in your ex-wife's basement anymore.

Wow! Respect, mon.

I'm gonna read you my toast in the car.

You're giving a toast?

More like we're giving a toast.

[Groans]

Jake: There we go.

Jake, I have to tell you something.

Oh, boy.

I am a little conflicted about having a vasectomy.

Really?

Is that why you threw an EKG machine at the doctor?

I'm sorry I thought of you as a work friend.

You're here, man. You're a friend friend.

You made Terry get real with himself and his genitals.

Your tiny head has a big heart inside it.

I know that's scientifically wrong, but thanks, sarge.

I'm gonna talk to my wife when she comes home.

You're a huggy good friend.

No! Not again.

Santiago, we received our grade.

Oh, my God. Is this good-bye?

There's still so much I have to say to you.

2.7. Mediocre.

But enough for you to stick around.

How did you get her to change her mind?

I had to compromise everything I stand for.

You are now, and always have been, the superior police officer.

And?

The Derek Jeter thing was my fault.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

No, you were right.

This is the best job I've ever had and it would be foolish to give it up over a petty feud.

Here, this is for you.

It's a grade for your performance these past few days.

A letter grade, so as to not be "weird" about it.

Oh, my God. You really shouldn't have.

An "a."

Thank you.

Just curious, does your system have pluses in it, or is, like, "a" the highest?

How'd the interrogation go?

Gregory confessed to the stabbing.

Nice work.

I just talked to my wife.

We're waiting on the operation, everything's cool.

Did you tell her we slept together twice?

Thanks for taking care of me. I got you a present.

Do you know what a present is, Terry?

I care about my friends.

Now eat your carrots, or I'll rip your tiny head off.

No! No! No!

Come here.

[Gags]

I hate being friends with you!