02x07 - Lockdown

[bunniefuu]

Morning.

Who are those for?

Captain Holt's uncle passed away.

They weren't close, but I wanted to do something.

Interesting.

Flowers are a bold choice, Santiago, but I can still b*at you.

b*at me at expressing condolences?

Yup, it's on.

Flowers are a gift, and Captain Holt hates gifts.

I think a thoughtful email is the way to go here.

"Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss."

Group sentiment, very meaningful.

"Please let us know if there's anything we can do."

Selfless act.

Very respectful.

Correct, I am the King of respectfulness, b*tches!

Hey, did you send that from your personal or work account?

Personal... It's a personal matter involving a personal friend and his personal uncle.

So you remembered to turn off your signature, right?

Oh, no.

[Knocking]

Hey, Captain, I just sent you an email, uh...

"Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss.

"Please let us know if there's anything we can do.

Sent from my stinky butt."

I was hacked?

Thank you for the email. It means a lot to me.

[Sighs] You're very welcome.

I was addressing your stinky butt.

♪ ♪

Okay, guys, Captain and I are going to a charity event in Brighton beach.

Have a great Thanksgiving.

Ahem.

Sorry, Boyle. Turkey day.

Once sergeant Jeffords and I are gone, Peralta will be the officer in command.

Jake in charge. No-look five.

Whoo!

That's not your hand.

[Gasps] Wait.

Is that a healed-over earring hole?

Do you have a scandalous past?

I was stabbed in the line of duty.

The scar extends through the lobe into the neck.

No one likes it when you do that.

Anyway, thank you for taking command of the precinct over the holiday.

Not a problem.

As you all know, I hate Thanksgiving.

The pilgrims were murderers, and turkey tastes like napkins.

I just hope that no Amys feel bad that I was chosen over Amy.

Actually, Captain asked me first, but I had plans.

Teddy brewed a Thanksgiving pilsner, and it's bottling day.

Bottling day?

Why'd you come in at all?

And frankly, sir, I'm a little hurt that I wasn't your top choice to be in charge.

I'd like to remind you of what happened when I asked you to run the blood drive.

So I forgot to put up the posters, and no one came, but don't worry, because I donated 5 pints all by me-self.

It's one 12-hour shift.

What are you afraid is gonna happen?

Injury, death, general calamity.

Just don't burn the place down.

You can count on me, sir. Happy Thanksgiving.

Turkey day. Sorry, Boyle.

I know you're all leaving in an hour, but until that time, you're under my command.

And as leader, it is my job to make my employees' lives better, so what can I do for you? Gina?

I would like to answer the phone always just like, "eh-heh?"

Done. Charles?

Lift the precinct-wide ban on me saying the word "succulent."

Done.

I want to work in the break room, so I don't have to hear Charles say "succulent."

Done, done, Done-zel Washington.

Hitchcock: If she's working in the break room, can I move my nap couch out into the bullpen?

Brooks and done.

Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?

Oh, I am as serious as a heart att*ck.

No offense, Scully.

Eh, mine are never that serious.

I call 'em "oopsies."

You can't just grant wishes, Jake.

You're a boss, not a genie.

I am both. I am a boss-genie.

And this office is my lamp. Who likes me being in charge?

Succulent.

Thanks for coming to this event, sergeant.

Always happy to spend time with you, sir.

Thank you.

Plus, the longer I stay out of my house today, the better.

My brother-in-law Zeke is in town.

Oh, I remember Zeke. Large gentleman.

Calls you tiny Terry.

Also teensy Terry, teeny-weeny Terry-Berry, and Li'l Dum-Dum.

You know, it's the lack of effort on that last one that really gets me.

You're a grown man, sergeant, strong like an oak.

That's a pretty good tree.

It's a mighty tree.

So why not stand up to this Zeke?

I get so intimidated around him.

Thanks for the sandwich, Li'l Dum-Dum.

If you wanted to get out of the house, why didn't you just volunteer to run the precinct instead of Peralta?

I'd much rather have you in charge.

Don't worry about Jake. He's gonna do great.

He can be very responsible.

Okay, the elevator door is the goal.

Try and score on me.

Ah!

Yes!

All right, it's noon. We're going home.

See you later, boss-genie.

Succulent bossing, Jakey.

I'm gonna go home and stuff my goose.

Wait, Boyle, powder. What is that powder?

I don't know. I don't know, what do we do?

Jake: Okay, everyone, we are in lockdown, which means no one can come in or out of the precinct.

Now, apparently, three other precincts received similar packages this month, and they were all baking powder.

Nevertheless, Hazmat has to run a quick test, but I anticipate we'll all be out of here momentarily.

In the meantime, I suggest we turn this lockdown into a pop-and-lockdown.

Right? Am I right?

Huh?

Okay, so I'll keep everyone updated, and keep working on your dance moves.

Jake, what are you doing? This is a crisis.

I'm trying to keep morale up, because Hazmat said it's almost definitely a hoax.

Almost? What if it's anthr*x?

We are all 100% gonna die!

Guys! You're freaking people out.

Can you please calm it down? We're doing fine here.

Not Hitchcock.

He got trapped out on the balcony.

I don't like him alone out there, not with his history.

I mean, what if he gets up on a ledge?

What, you think he's gonna jump?

No, he's just always falling off things.

He's got a worm living in his ear that affects his balance.

Oh, well, then he's not truly alone out there, right?

Okay, I'm gonna call Holt. You want to come?

Yeah. Too bad, you're not invited.

I'm in charge. Bye!

Holt: Okay, keep me posted.

Peralta seems to have it under control.

He said things were "dope."

I want to monitor the situation.

I need to get somewhere with an lnternet connection and a landline.

You live out here. Do you have a home office?

Well, yeah, but Zeke is in that room, and...

Perfect. Let's go there.

Or my neighbors are out of town.

We could break into their place.

Fine, we'll go to my house.

Or as Zeke calls it, tiny Terry's hobbit hole.

All right, sorry for the delay, but I have some news.

I gotta say, your Hazmat suit is super scary.

You should talk in a silly voice, so you seem less terrifying.

Well, we ran our test.

See, even that would be much less ominous if you just did a grover voice.

[Imitating grover] Well, we ran our tests.

And it's not baking powder.

There's a chance it's toxic.

[Grover voice] What?

We know it's not baking powder. What is it?

We don't know yet, sir, but we are...

Sir, you shouldn't have to be below eye level, so I'm gonna hold you up.

Okay, you do look good in Amy's purple shirt.

Anyways, it's Thanksgiving, so the emergency services lab is closed.

They're gonna reopen them, but it'll be at least five hours till they can run detailed tests.

Boyle, status report?

We're locked down with 42 civilians, divided into four factions.

First, we have 12 perps locked up in holding.

Okay, we will call them the dirty dozen.

Oh, I love it.

Second faction is the innocent people who just had the bad luck of being here, some witnesses, some mugging victims, couple food delivery guys.

Great, we'll refer to them as the normies.

Charles: Third faction is trouble: Your snitches, your suspects, couple of g*ng members here to pick up their friends.

Permission to give them a nickname, sir?

Permission granted.

The naughty boys.

Permission denied.

We will refer to them exclusively as the doinkmeisters.

Way better.

The last faction is the worst, six lawyers.

Ugh, you know what, I'm just gonna call them the vegetable medley, because that's the grossest thing I can think of.

So what's the plan?

Sir, I think we should separate the factions, so we don't become outnumbered.

We should start rationing the food now, and we should tell people that we're in for a long night, because the substance is not baking powder.

Whoa, whoa, that's just gonna freak everyone out.

We want people to be happy and calm.

[Gasps] We should play them sade.

Holt: Keeping the peace is important.

I'm not there to read the situation, but... and I can't believe I'm actually saying this...

I did leave Peralta in charge, so call me if you need anything.

Oh, sir, one other thing, Hitchcock got trapped out on the balcony.

Good, sounds like we dodged a b*llet there.

Yeah.

Well, that's settled.

Diaz, Santiago, I want you out there with me, keeping people's morale up.

Boyle, you go through security footage and see if you can see who brought in that box.

Okay, but, I mean, I thought since you were in charge, maybe I could be your right-hand man, your tinker bell.

Tinker bell?

Let me tell you something about tinker bell.

Tinker bell is a loyal lieutenant and a real Thorn in the side of Captain Hook.

Fine, done, you're my number two.

Yes! I made number two.

I hear it. Why would I ever say that?

Thank you.

I got ahold of E.S.U.

The lab tech is en route from his home in New Jersey.

Sergeant, is there any way you can replace this large ball with a chair that is actually a chair?

I'm sorry, sir, that's all I've got.

But it's good for your core.

Yes. My core, it's engaged.

[Chuckles] I wouldn't take fitness tips from this shrimp.

Sir, you remember my brother-in-law, Zeke?

Yes, hello.

Zeke: Hey.

What happened to the game I was dvr-ing?

I was recording it for later.

Well, the Captain wanted to have the news on, so I stopped the recording.

Well, the game was a blowout anyway.

I mean everyone d*ed. Sports are canceled.

You better hope that's true.

[Door closes]

Good, he's gone.

Now, let's get serious and focus up.

Just trying to get to the printer.

Hey, hey, hey, people.

How about everyone come on, bring it in here, gather around?

So how we all holding up?

Not good. We're trapped on Thanksgiving.

What's going on, man?

Okay, great, first off, happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Shout-out to turkey.

Whoo-whoo!

Thank you. All right, so here's the deal.

We are still awaiting the initial test results, but hopefully, we'll hear soon that it's all harmless and we can all go home soon.

[Whispering] You're doing a great...

What are you doing?

I'm whispering in your ear. It's what a number two does.

It was way too close.

Can you say it quietly to me, please?

[Whispering] This is going really well.

Okay.

At any rate, I figured we could pass the time and do something fun, maybe a movie night.

Our options are a bootleg copy of the Diane Keaton classic, something's gotta give.

Movie's hilarious.

Okay, surprising opinion.

We'll talk about that later.

And our second option is surveillance footage of Detective Amy Santiago soliciting dr*gs using perfect grammar.

It's not that weird to say, "may I have some cocaine?"

It is. Those options suck.

Fair enough, why don't we have a talent show then?

Who has a special talent?

Oh, I just learned the single ladies dance.

Hey! Yes!

[People cheering]

Jake: People love it.

Look at that, two painted ladies just joined in.

You got to admit, Boyle really knows how to move his pelvis.

I can't believe this is one of the last things I'm ever gonna see.

Actually, with anthr*x, the last things you'll see will be doctor, blood, doctor, pus, scab, nothing.

Why are you saying that?

'Cause you're being melodramatic, so I'm making fun of you. Fine.

I'm writing you out of my will.

Say good-bye to my sculpture of two "jag-u-ars" making love.

Whoo! This is why I became a cop.

Really? People love the talent show.

Lawyer guy's doing stand-up.

He's got really good material. Oh.

There are two jobs where you have total control over the people that pay you: President of a country and cleaning lady.

[Laughter]

I can't believe you gave the mob a megaphone.

Okay, first of all, we didn't have a mic, and second, it's not a mob.

It's a happy group of unlikely friends.

Charles: Maybe not so happy.

People are starting to get hungry.

Oh. Okay, not a problem.

Let's get them some food.

Voila, a Thanksgiving feast from the two delivery guys who are trapped in here with us, and paid for by me with Boyle's money.

Put it on the tab.

What about me?

Uh, I guess I could have a friend throw some pretzels up to you from the street?

And soda too?

Fine, I'll have someone blindly throw ice-cold metal cans of soda at you.

Jake, I know you think this is going well, but you can't keep putting out fires as they come up.

You need to set down some rules.

It's fine. Everyone is happy.

Now we just coast to the all-clear.

We're freezing in here! We want heat!

We want heat!

Both: We want heat!

All: We want heat! We want heat!

What?

I'm glad I gave them the megaphone.

It helps me hear their concerns.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find a couple bags... of heat.

Charles and I arrest the guy a couple of years ago that was selling knock-off designer coats.

We just gotta find the box they're in, and everyone will be warm and happy.

You can't let them g*ng up on you.

You need to man up.

Man up? Sexist.

I'm sorry, but I don't see gender, sir.

Tell them the truth about the powder, tell them that they're gonna be here awhile, and tell them that they might have to be a little uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable because of how amazing I look in this?

Zeke, I'm sorry, but Captain thinks we're gonna have to use your room for a little longer.

No problem.

Really? Yeah, I feel you.

I got a boss that's a jerk like that too.

Right.

The Captain's the worst.

Sometimes, I call him Holt the dolt.

[Laughs] That's cold.

Stay tough, brother.

Brother?

Brother. I will, brother.

All right.

Talk to you later, brother.

See you, brother.

Bye, brother.

Okay, I have finished my last will and testament.

To Rosa, I leave you nothing.

Pass.

You can't pass on me leaving you nothing.

Just did.

Not today, Rosa.

To Charles, I leave you the memories of my supple form.

I'm reminding everyone of my embarrassing sexual past 'cause I'm hoping it's the act of charity that gets me into heaven.

Why is she talking about heaven?

Is there something wrong here we don't know about?

No, no, no! She's just being a funny weirdo.

Everything's fine.

More importantly, I was not able to find any "heat" because it's more of a concept, but we did find these beauties.

They're all faux fur and all the best brands.

We've got ChanelB, Grucci, Stella McCarKeys.

I want the one with the muff.

Great choice, sir, but there's actually only five coats, so we're gonna have to figure out a way to share them.

I was thinking maybe a trivia contest.

Screw the coats. I want more food.

Interesting fact there... It turns out the one-time-only feast was all the food that we had.

What? You didn't ration the food?

I'm not gonna sit here and starve.

It's Thanksgiving. You said it was a hoax.

We're only here because of some dumb protocol.

I'm leaving. I'm walking out that door.

Jake, you have to arrest him.

No, it'll only make things worse.

Look, we're doing this my way. I'm the Captain now!

That totally sounded like a movie ref, but I was actually being serious.

Excuse me, sir? Hi.

Can I talk to you in my office for a sec?

It's nothing serious, just a fun chat.

[Whispering] Look, if you don't come with me, she's going to arrest you.

[Whispering] Hey, are you guys whispering?

I'm Charles Boyle.

I'm sort of the number two guy around here.

Okay, so first of all, I'm just gonna set the mood for this meeting, perhaps a smooth jam.

[R&b music playing] Ahh.

Yeah, it's good.

♪ ♪

All right, here's the deal.

The Hazmat guys did run some preliminary tests, and the substance is not baking powder.

Oh. Was it anthr*x?

They don't know yet, but I promise you, as soon they tell me, you'll be the first to know.

Well, second after me, so third overall.

Still pretty good.

I just don't want people to panic, so I'm asking for your help to keep this thing quiet, so we can have the chillest biohazard lockdown in Brooklyn, yeah?

Of course, I understand.

Great, thank you.

See, if you talk to people like humans, they'll be reasonable. I mean, it's just good...

Oh, why is he standing on that chair?

Hey, everyone! They lied to us!

It's friggin' anthr*x!

[Overlapping shouting]

Oh, what you making, a snack?

Oh, the Captain wants four sandwiches.

A spoonful of Mayo, spread evenly, middle-loaf pieces of bread only.

What an ass.

[Scoffs] Tell me about it...

Brother.

Uh, I almost forgot. He wants a whole pie too.

[Scoffs] This dude is the worst.

I don't always understand Peralta's texts.

He says they're still waiting on the lab, and "it's allz good." "Alls" with a "z."

Then a box with a question mark inside, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, and yet another box with a question mark.

Then a box with a question mark.

What does that mean?

It means you don't have emojis on your phone.

[Overlapping shouting]

All right, everyone calm down! Just calm down!

Let us out, or I'm gonna start breaking things!

This is a human rights violation!

You can't keep us here!

I'm 23, I'm a celebrity, and today, I'm gonna die!

Not one word of that is true.

Ow!

Ooh, Hitchcock's bleeding!

He got hit in the head with a soda can!

He never saw it coming!

Jake, we have to start putting people in detention.

We have to quash this.

No, we need them to calm down.

We need to put on something's gotta give.

Great idea. Great movie.

Also, we should probably put out that fire.

[Alarm beeping]

So, Captain, I have some news.

What happened?

Well, remember when you told me not to burn down the precinct?

You b*rned down the precinct?

No, I had the fire put out almost immediately.

This is a success story.

Tell me exactly what happened.

[Sighs] Well, it started with Boyle wanting to say the word "succulent."

Oh, no. And it ended with a small riot, in which a dirtbag set Hitchcock's nap couch on fire.

Enough!

Jeffords and I will come right away.

I'm very disappointed in you.

[Whispering] What's he saying?

He said he's very disappointed in you.

Oh, man!

You wanted to see me?

Yeah.

I know you're too proud to say "I told you so," so I'm just gonna...

Told you so. Not too proud.

That seems right.

Look, I screwed up, and I think you should take over command of the precinct.

Been waiting to hear you say that all day.

I know.

Which is why you shouldn't say it. What?

You're still trying to make people happy.

Don't apologize to me.

Be a leader and tell me what you need me to do.

Tell everyone what you need them to do.

You're the Captain, Jake.

I'm the Captain now.

Captain Phillips. Captain Phillips!

That's what it was.

"Look at me, look at me."

Right? Yeah.

All right, guys, listen up. All right, listen up, people.

Boyle, you're no longer my number two.

[Sighs] What did you say to him, Amy?

You've been after my job this whole time.

It's not Amy. I don't need a tinker bell.

I need you to find out where that powder came from.

Scully, I need you to help Boyle.

Don't worry about Hitchcock. He'll be fine.

I once saw him fall down three flights of stairs, get up, and keep eating his hot dog, like nothing happened.

You're right. He's the strongest man we know.

No. Gina, I know you're scared, but you got to stop freaking out the civilians.

Yes, I am very influential.

And, Diaz, you need to stop making fun of Gina and help her.

Fine. All right, everyone, listen up!

I know this is tough to hear, but we still don't know what the powder is, and we may be here for a while yet.

Also, the copy room is now a detention center for anyone who gets out of line.

This is a police station in a lockdown, not a summer camp.

[Whispering] Ooh, should we play capture the flag?

Jake! Right.

Stay tuned for more details. That'll be all for now.

I'm just gonna go downstairs and thank your family for accommodating us.

You will do nothing of the sort.

Zeke is being nice to me for the first time ever because he thinks you're a jerk just like his boss.

When we go downstairs, I want you to scream at me.

I want you to really degrade me in front of my family.

And this will make you happy?

It's the best Thanksgiving gift you could give me.

What an idiotic thing to say. What's a Thanksgiving gift?

I'm just getting in the zone.

I love it!

Also, I said you ate all that pie.

Can you put some around your mouth?

Fine. Crumb me up.

I have news, everyone.

The powder was not harmful.

[Cheers and applause]

Scully! [Laughs]

Aw, I gotta say, that's pretty sweet.

Oh, the door closed behind him. Now they're both locked outside.

What happened? What's going on?

Jake: Lockdown's officially over.

Squad's heading home for Thanksgiving.

I don't understand.

Last I heard, the precinct was on fire, and we wouldn't get lab results for another three hours.

Boyle sped things up.

I noticed an I.T. guy we fired two years ago in surveillance footage.

Turns out he was also fired from the other precincts.

E.S.U. raided his home and found bacillus streptomoo-cocomo... I can't pronounce it.

Regardless, he confessed, and it wasn't poisonous.

All right, it seems like you turned it around.

Yeah, actually, we're trying to clean up here, Captain, so unless you have something meaningful to contribute, you can get the hell out.

Oh, right, sorry, you weren't here when I switched up my management style.

That must be so confusing for you.

Anyways, everyone head on home! Happy Thanksgiving, guys!

Jake. Happy turkey day, guys.

I'll be in my office.