02x10 - The Pontiac Bandit Returns

[bunniefuu]

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!

Whoa, thank you, good sir!

The elves will not starve this night.

Any sign of our bogie?

Rosa: Negative.

Are you sure our guy's gonna show?

Jake: My C.I. said he walked this route exactly the last three days.

Fine, but in ten minutes, we're calling this.

I have to get back to my ecstasy task force.

We have to bag a major giggle pig player soon, or they're gonna shut us down.

Ho, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum.

Presents!

Rosa: God, you're bad at being Santa.

Jake, holy crap, 9:00.

Jake: The Pontiac bandit, aka Doug Judy.

Okay, Santa, stay calm, just like we practiced.

Merry Judy, Mr. Doug Judy Christmas.

Damn it! Peralta?

No!

Onion ring att*ck!

Ah! Greasy!

NYPD! Stop where you are!

Come on, Santa. Why are you so fat?

NYPD. Clear out.

Where are you?

Ah!

Ah! Got you!

[Both grunting]

[People gasping]

Doug Judy, you're under arrest.

Put your hands in the air.

Hey, Rosa. Merry Christmas, girl.

Shut up.

Jake: Take a good look, kids.

This is what happens when you're naughty!

♪ ♪

Holt: Attention, everyone.

Holidays of many cultures approach.

This truly is a joyful time.

Join me for a festive winter party at Shaw's bar this friday, 7:00 till 9:00.

Any questions?

A.M. or P.M.?

I'm gonna let you figure that one out.

Also, I'd like to reiterate my gift policy: None allowed.

Enjoy this merry season.

Good people of the nine-nine, I present to you the seventh wonder of the world, Doug Judy, aka the Pontiac bandit, foiled at last!

[Cheers and applause]

All right!

Wow, you guys, thank you very much.

All right, that's enough, Judy.

This is my moment. You are not to enjoy it.

I can't help it. I'm proud of you.

You're like a son to me.

A white, crispy son.

How would that even work? Am I adopted?

No, your mother's just really pale.

Almost invisible.

Okay.

Anyways, it's a shame I gotta ruin your celebration by cutting a deal and getting out of here.

Never! Right?

I'm just saying, I know a lot of real high-profile felons.

Makes me a very desirable tattletale.

We will never cut a deal with you, not after you screwed us last year.

You don't want any info on a local burglary ring, perhaps?

Not good enough.

Testify, Captain!

How about a guy who makes fake credit cards?

Negative.

Jake: You see that, Judy?

No matter what you say, you're going to jail.

What about dr*gs?

Y'all ever heard of giggle pig?

What do you know?

We're listening.

No, no, no, no, no, we're not listening.

We can't hear him.

Everybody sh**t your g*ns in the air.

Gina, you need to see this.

Oh, Charles, I can't take that.

It's clearly not cash, and I don't have time in my life to return things.

I found this at my dad's place last night.

It's from him to your mom.

No!

Yes!

Boyle, this is bad.

I thought our parents were just having a casual fling, but presents is like old people third base.

No, that's rubbing butts together.

What?

But this is very close.

Gina, they may be getting serious.

Ugh!

Don't you dare say that!

Do you know how disgustingly entangled our lives will be if our parents turn into a real couple?

Yes! You think I want you and your mom horning in on the Boyle boys mimosa brunches?

That's our guy time.

Ugh. We need to figure out what is in this horrible package, so we can determine where they're at in their relationship.

[Gasps]

What if it's a romantic book or, like, a picture of the two of them in a frame?

Oh, or "his and hers" pajamas?

The kind that dissolve in your mouth.

Ew, no! No, Charles, ew.

So this is where all the tape went.

I gotta put up this pictures my daughters drew.

And I need some 'cause I cut my hand.

Hitchcock!

Go to the hospital!

And give 100 bucks to some doctor to give me the exact same tape?

I don't think so.

Wow! What's all this?

I'm making a Christmas present for Captain Holt.

I know, I know.

He has a strict "no gift" policy, but I found a loophole.

Like your loophole last year?

So I was just gonna throw out this brand-new squash racquet, but then I thought, "hey, maybe the Captain could use it."

I don't want your garbage.

No, it was a very expensive gift.

Aha, suspicions confirmed.

I asked the Captain what qualified as a gift, and he said anything I spent money on.

Then I realized, my time is worth nothing.

Sounds like you're bragging, but that's just a sad statement.

I'm making a scrapbook of his professional highlights.

Newspaper clippings, police reports, pictures.

It's got every moment of his career, "from Ray to Z."

This is a very bad idea.

I know, I'm not happy with the title either, but my backup was "keep holting on," but that just makes him sound like he's sick.

All right, before we make a deal with this evil monster, can I just ask something?

Is giggle pig really that important?

My job, Rosa's job, and the fate of this entire precinct all depend upon the outcome of this task force.

All right, fine.

Diaz, what's our status right now?

We've picked up a bunch of dealers, but our main target is Tito Ruiz.

We believe he runs the whole operation, only we can't prove it because none of his people will turn on him just because he bit off a few noses.

Babies.

I say the only way we make a deal with Doug Judy is if he can give us the top guy, Tito Ruiz.

I can give you Tito Ruiz.

Oh, come on, Judy!

I mean, how do we even know this is real?

This guy's a huckster!

He's a lie guy.

Peralta has a point.

You have been a lie guy to us before.

Thank you. Give me some details.

Ruiz and I were cellies in Attica in the '90s.

He texted me last week.

Needs some cars to deliver his product.

I said no because dr*gs are stupid.

Except for weed and sex pills.

A man has needs.

♪ Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Rosa ♪
♪ I can't think of your last name, baby ♪

Enough crooning!

Can you get us a face-to-face with Ruiz?

Yeah, but you gotta give me zero jail time.

No, that's not gonna happen.

Ha-ha! Stupid Judy.

The D.A., however, will offer a reduced sentence in return for Ruiz's arrest.

5 years instead of 20.

Oh, that's tough but fair.

I can see why you have such intense daddy-stuff with him.

Oh, yeah, the guy without a daddy is the one with daddy issues.

Explain that logic.

Since I'm going to jail, I wanna enjoy my time left on the outside.

Put me up in a five-star hotel like the Royce.

Unlimited room service and minibar privileges.

Three-star hotel like the Brooklyner.

$60 a day meal allowance. No minibar.

Four-star hotel like the Oneida.

200 in food, no minibar or alcohol, but I get to go crazy on candy and nuts.

Agreed.

Ow! Oh, one last thing.

Diaz has to be nice to me.

I want her to call me big sugar.

Ha, hugh mistake, bud.

She'll never agree to that.

No, I'm in. Let's do this, big sugar.

Ah!

Jake: What? All right, fine.

If this is going down, I wanna be on this case, and my sole focus is Doug Judy.

He never leaves my sights.

Love it! Pontiac bandit and Jake.

PB&J ride again!

♪ Reunited and it feels so good ♪

It's a duet. Get in on this.

♪ Reunited 'cause we understood ♪

No! No!

All right, big sugar.

Four-star hotel room, you happy?

Okay, okay.

Okay, flat screen TV.

King-sized bed.

Hangers you can take off the rod?

This is what's up. This place is nice.

We should settle down here, Rosa.

Now if y'all excuse me, I'ma go freshen up.

I'm feeling stanky.

Hold it! Not so fast.

What?

[Whispers] Let's make out.

[Whispers] Not yet.

All right, there's no windows. You can go in.

But leave the door open, and I'm hanging on to this.

What in the world would I do with that?

Point it at my face until my eyeballs dry out and I lose my sense of sight.

Then shove it in my mouth, so I can't yell for help, and finally run out the front door and disappear forever.

Nah, I was just gonna use it to dry my undercarriage later.

Ugh. Would you just relax, okay?

Stop being so paranoid.

I'm playing ball.

I got you.

If you'll excuse me...

All right, we can't be too careful.

Let's go over the plan one more time.

Doug Judy texts Ruiz to set up a meet.

We each have a hidden wire, and we record Ruiz talking about giggle pig, then take him down.

Tac team is on call for backup...

What are you doing? You look like a pervert.

Putting a GPS tracker in his shoe.

He is not getting away from me again, even if it means putting my favorite hand into his rotten stink-boot.

Okay.

Hoo-hoo! Did you see the menu?

Lobster thermidor. Baked Alaska.

It's so fancy, it don't even sound like food.

Here, come on. Order something.

Order it. Do it. Order it.

No, thanks. I'm on duty.

Come on, Peralta.

You gonna let the criminal have all the fun?

All right, fine.

I'll have one lobster thermidor, extra thermidor on the side.

I have no idea what I'm ordering.

Me neither. We're like culinary magellans.

You know how we take this to the next level?

Robes!

Robes!

[Peaches & herb's reunited]

♪ Reunited ♪
♪ And it feels so good ♪
♪ Reunited ♪

Okay, we just unwrap it, we see what's inside, then we perfectly rewrap it.

Our parents never know what happened.

Ugh, lord, you're starting to sweat.

You're gonna blemish the wrapping paper.

You're dabbing me really hard.

You know what? This is taking too long.

Just scooch, you pooch.

You are amazing.

How did you do that?

I always open my gifts in advance, so I can rehearse my reactions and nail those Christmas-morning candids.

Check it out.

Be-wonderment. [Gasps]

Disbe-loving it.

Sparkle-surprise.

I like that. Now focus up.

Your dad got my mom...

A digital scale? That's bad.

So bad, so wonderfully bad.

Your dad might as well have circled all the parts of my mom's body he didn't like with a marker.

You did that to me.

And it didn't help at all.

Nope.

My mom is gonna hate this gift.

And she'd hate it even more if we were both there when she opened it.

Should we do a gift exchange dinner tonight with both our parents?

Great idea.

Maybe she'll slap him in the face and never talk to him again.

[Laughs]

Sparkle-surprise, for real!

Three lobster thermidors, spaghetti and meatballs, Caesar salad with tater tots instead of croutons.

Oh, that's me. Salad.

I'm trying to eat healthy.

I hear that. Your body is a temple.

All right, I'm searching it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Peralta, what you doing, putting your fingers in my fancy feast?

What?

How am I supposed to escape using a lobster?

Squeeze the lemon in my eyes, so I can't see, s*ab me in the jugular with a claw, and then shove the tail down my throat, so I can't scream for help.

I gotta keep my eye on you, Judy.

You're a slippery guy.

Fair enough. That I am.

But for right now, I'm all about helping you.

So why don't you just chill and eat some sexy-ass lobster?

Okay, we held up our end of the bargain.

Text Ruiz now, friend.

Fine.

[Beep]

Tito, dot, dot, dot.

You around, question mark.

Wanna meet up, period.

Speech to text, we live in a magical age.

It's like The Jetsons.

By the way, this Tito dude, he spooks real easy, so...

No, there's no way you're going in alone.

We're coming with you.

I've already got my cover story worked out.

My name is Dante Thunderstone.

I stole my first car at the tender age of nine.

You had to fend for yourself since your mother was struck by lightning.

While she was pregnant with me.

She passed. I lived.

Some say that makes Zeus my dad.

Oh!

Mythic.

That's dope.

And, Rosa, you could be my wife...

Rosa.

Why would you take your wife with you to meet a drug dealer?

'Cause we're partners in everything we do.

Aw.

[Text message alert]

Whoa. Tito wants to meet up.

Great, tell him to meet us over here.

We'll get him a lobster and a robe.

I mean no, let's go catch him in the act.

Sarge, I'm freaking out about my gift that's not technically a gift.

Somehow, that doesn't surprise me.

Something horrible has happened, and I don't know what to do.

Has Captain Holt ever told you about the Brooklyn broiler?

Yeah. Arsonist.

b*rned down 12 buildings in Crown Heights.

Captain's told me about it many times.

You flamed out.

Dirt bag.

Well, I think that Captain may have made a... mistake.

What are you talking about?

I was doing follow-up research on the case for a fun "where are they now?" Section, and I don't think the broiler set three of the fires he was charged with.

I gotta tell the Captain.

Do you think he'll be upset?

Probably not.

I mean, he seems like the kind of laid-back guy who delights in having his mistakes exposed.

[Sighs]

Maybe next year you can do a collage about low points in his marriage.

I know you're being sarcastic, sarge, but I really do love making collages.

Doug Judy: Ruiz's bodyguards.

Prepare to be touched in some real intimate places.

I'm clean.

Watch it.

Where did you get those shoes, man?

There he is.

Tito, what's up, my man?

Doug Judy. Who are they?

That's my bodyguard, Selena.

We're doing it on the D.L.

He's an amazing lover. I'm pregnant.

Oh, nice!

And this here is my partner, Dante Thunderstone.

The one and only.

Brrrat, brrrat, brrrat!

Tito: Okay, Judy.

If we're gonna do business, I gotta see how good you really are.

This is a test.

Go jack that car right now.

Give him the tools.

[Chuckles]

[Grunts]

No worries.

That is a cinch to pinch.

There's no way you're getting in that car alone.

Hey, where are you going, Thunderstone?

To steal the car.

I jack the rides. Judy holds my tools.

Fine. Then you have two minutes.

Only need one.

That was tight.

You played him like a boss.

Thanks. Now I just need to magically learn how to steal a car.

Braat, braat!

Okay, okay, all I have to do is break into this car and drive it away without a key.

Something wrong?

Nope, just, uh, warming up my stealing fingies.

Relax, Thunderstone.

It's easy. Here.

What are you talking about?

Oh, just, uh, telling Thunderstone how I move it on the dance floor.

Always start with a side-to-side sway.

Real smooth, real slow.

Real smooth and real slow.

Yeah, and when I feel that groove, I pop it!

[Both grunt] Yeah.

And I pull it, pull it back. Pull it back hard.

Whoo! Ha-ha! Yeah.

Yes, I love the way you dance, Doug Judy.

All right, this next part is like french kissing.

Got it.

Jam it in there and move it around wildly.

I gotta ask, Peralta, do the ladies enjoy that technique?

Ten seconds.

Come on.

[Engine starts]

Ah, yes!

[Laughter]

Okay, let's go.

[Upbeat music]

Thank you, Charles, Regina, for inviting us on this double date.

Kind of like a fun Christmas four-way, right?

Well put, Lynn. Yeah.

Darlene: A very sweet sentiment.

Oh, my God! I have an idea.

Let's open presents.

Okay. Oh.

I wanna see what everyone got everyone and how everyone reacts poorly.

Fun, fun. I just hope you like it.

I don't know.

[Paper tears]

A digital scale?

Lynn Boyle, you're a horrible, horrible man.

You went way over our price limit.

Yes, I did.

And I love it! Yay!

It's gonna go so great in the guest bathroom.

Both: What?

Lynn and I are moving in together.

Lynn: Mm-hmm.

And the rent's a little steep, so we promised we would only exchange small gifts.

Mm-hmm.

But you had to push it, didn't you?

I did.

You naughty boy.

I had to get my pookums a present, pookums.

Okay, well, this is wonderful, but I am needed elsewhere, so I'm gonna take off.

Thank you so much.

Nog, nog.

Little Christmas humor. [Chuckles]

Yes, the "nog" from "egg nog," used in place of "knock."

I stand corrected. He loved it.

So I was just looking through some old files, and I think I may have found a mistake in a closed case.

Which one?

It was actually... Now that I think of it, if I'm remembering correctly, and I could be wrong on this, but...

It's the Brooklyn broiler.

What? That dirtbag flamed out ages ago.

Why were you looking at that case?

She was making you a gift...

Not a gift, snitch.

It didn't cost me anything, just my worthless man-hours.

"From Ray to Z"?

I thought I told you no gifts.

Take this away, and bring me the broiler's file.

I'll look into this mistake.

Actually, the evidence is part of the scrapbook, so I have to leave the whole thing.

Fine, I'll look at the relevant pages, but as for the rest, I will not peruse.

Jake: Wow, sweet setup. What do you make here?

Don't worry about it.

Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Tito: We need 20 cars a week.

I want to use them each once, then dump 'em.

Jake: Oh, well, you picked the right man.

So are we gonna make a deal or what?

Or do I need to talk to your boss?

You can talk to me.

So you're the boss?

Yeah, I'm the boss, and this is my place.

And in my place, people know they shouldn't ask dumb questions.

Got it?

Yeah, I got it.

I tried to tell him, Tito.

All right, let's talk deets.

[All shout]

Is that us?

No, we gotta go right now! Go, go, go!

On the ground! NYPD!

NYPD. Nobody move!

[Both grunt]

Diaz!

Don't need help. Behind you.

Bye bye, Peralta. Here's your GPS.

No!

Let's go!

[Grunts] Ha-ha, I got you!

Yeah, you did, but your boy Tito's getting away.

[Grunts]

Damn it! Damn you, Doug Judy!

I'll never forget you, Dante Thunderstone!

[Both grunting]

You have the right to remain Doug Judy.

Anything you Doug or Judy can be used against you in a Doug of Judy.

Sorry, I'm preoccupied by someone who will remain nameless.

I'll start over.

Santiago, I want to thank you for my gift.

You like the scrapbook? I don't know.

I'm a man of my word, so I did not peruse.

The gift I'm referring to was you pointing out my mistake.

Do you know why I don't accept gifts?

Because you're so evolved, you don't need material things.

Because I don't like brown-nosing.

Oh.

Youch, that was hard to watch.

You told me to my face that I made a mistake, and that's as far from brown-nosing as one can get.

I respect you for that.

Now I have a gift for you.

I have the complete Brooklyn broiler files.

He was given three life sentences, and it should have been two.

So I've already contacted the D.A. about the error.

Will you please help me figure out who set those other fires?

Ooh! More work!

I know that sounded sarcastic, but...

Nobody thought that.

Not for a moment.

Great.

[Mouthing word]

Chaz-ma-taz, how we doing, baby?

I thought you'd be in an awful mood.

Why would be upset when I've never had more purpose in my entire life?

Are you gonna poison my dad?

No, our parents say they're in love, but we both know that's just their old brains disintegrating.

We need to break them up for their sake, for our sake, for the sake of this great nation.

Agreed.

Ew! I forgot how clammy your hands are.

[Gasps]

Mood unaffected. Mood unaffected.

Attention please! Attention.

I'm sorry to interrupt your holiday revelry.

It truly is a fun night.

I'd like to propose a toast to Detective Diaz and her task force, who successfully brought down Tito Ruiz and his entire giggle pig network.

Great work, everyone. Drink up!

All: Yeah!

Hey, so I checked again.

Doug Judy still hasn't surfaced.

Yeah, he has.

He just sent me this.

Doug Judy: What's up, Peralta?

Greetings from paradise.

Actually, I'm a little disappointed in the hotel.

How do you mess up an omelet?

It's just a flat egg.

He pretty much just talks about the omelet for the next ten minutes, but...

About my escape.

This is my associate Kyle.

He drove the garbage truck.

You may also remember him as the room service waiter I had you tip so generously.

Son of a bitch.

Yup, and when he ordered the lobster, it was code for Kyle to follow him.

Anyway, tell Diaz she loves me.

Merry Christmas!

Hey, first things first.

I swear to you we are gonna catch Doug Judy.

Yeah, I know.

We did it once. We can do it again.

No. We will catch him.

More importantly, thank you.

I know how hard that was to make that choice and let him get away.

No, it was an easy call.

I know how much this task force means to you.

It means so much, and it's been so stressful, and it went so well.

Seriously, look at me, I cannot stop smiling.

How do people do this with their faces?