02x12 - Beach House

[bunniefuu]

Interesting.

Very, very interesting.

Guys.

Captain Holt has no pants on.

Um...

What?

He has no pants on, is what.

Here are the facts: At 11:55 A.M., Captain Holt walked past us holding a hot bowl of soup.

At 12:03 P.M., I heard him yell...

Ouch!

Jake: Then at 12:07, he called Gina into his office.

She entered, holding nothing.

One minute later, she left holding an opaque bag.

Captain Holt's pants were in that bag.

His knees are in the breeze.

He's in his undies.

That evidence is circumstantial.

Oh, so you guys want visual confirmation?

No.

Not really.

Done.

Hey, Captain.

I just need you to sign something at my desk real quick.

Just leave it on the couch.

Dismissed.

Okay.

Sir, you're gonna freak.

Yo-Yo Ma is in the precinct, and he's giving out autographs.

Yo-Yo Ma is on tour in Australia right now.

How would you know that?

Sir, I'm choking on a lozenge!

I'm gonna die!

I got you, Jake!

No, no.

Stop. I swallowed it.

I swallowed it. It's fine.

Hey, hey.

I made you another bowl of soup since you spilled yours earlier, but you're gonna have to come over here to get it.

All right, Peralta, I'm sick of you wasting time, so, yes, I spilled some minestrone on my pants, and I'm sitting in my underwear.

Happy?

Yes.

Ah.

Sir, I need you to sign off on... look at us, just three people with pants on having a normal conversation.

Yep. No story here.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Hello, everybody.

In my hands, I hold the driving directions to this year's detectives-only getaway.

Give it a cool name, Jake.

All right, detectives-only getaway... d-o-g, dog, dog party...

Dog Party '15.

Woof, woof, woof!

Big shout-out to Charles Boyle for hosting us at his beach house this year.

Yeah.

[Applause]

You should really thank my ex-wife.

We split it in the divorce.

I get it for December through February.

Winter B-house! Woof, woof, woof!

Yeah, that's not really catching on.

Aw.

As always, there will be no spouses, no bosses, no work...

No bedtimes, within reason.

All right, Santiago's feeling rowdy.

Who else is feeling it?

I can't wait.

This weekend, I am Vacation Terry.

No kids, no responsibilities.

I'm just a balloon floating in the great blue sky, and I am untethered.

And just to clarify, how untethered is Vacation Terry from his wife?

Very tethered.

All right, anyone else have questions?

Hitchcock, Scully, you've been weirdly silent.

We didn't want to say anything that would get us uninvited.

Smart. All right, get pumped, people.

Dog Party '15, ooh-ooh!

[All hooting and cheering]

Two bottles of vodka.

Is this gonna be the weekend we finally meet six-drink Amy?

Six-drink Amy? What does that mean?

It's the pinnacle of the Santiago drunkenness scale.

One drink, Amy's a little spacey.

Wait. What?

Gina: Two drinks: Loud Amy.

[Shouts] You want to get a cab?

Gina: Three drinks: Amy dance pants.

Four-drink Amy is a bit of a pervert.

Hey, check it out.

Gina: And five-drink Amy is weirdly confident.

Let's do this, little man.

But I've never seen six-drink Amy.

Maybe she's the one I could actually be friends with, aka my sasquatch.

Hey, there, beautiful.

Marcus, what are you doing here?

I know you lost your phone charger, so I got you a new one, and I want to make sure your phone's all juiced up for some sweet long-distance texting.

Thanks. What do I owe you?

It's a gift.

All you got to say is thank you.

I said thank you. That was the first thing I said.

Sorry. You're nice.

I'll text you.

Can't wait.

Inappropriate work kiss.

Too fast. Can't stop me.

Rosa D macking down with her boo on the street!

I love it.

Say "boo" again, I will sh**t you in the stomach.

Fine. "Lover boy" it is.

What did I just say, Charles?

What did I just say?

You said... you said not to say it.

Peralta, I thought you already left.

Yeah, I closed a couple of cases and had to finish up the paperwork.

Also, I wanted to thank you again for giving us this half day.

Yes, of course.

I understand how important these extravaganzas are.

I'm sure you'll have a hoot.

Oh, yeah, although I'm sure our hoots pale in comparison to the hoots that you had back in the day.

I bet things got supes hoots.

Actually, I wasn't privy to those events.

As a gay black detective, I was excluded from most social gatherings.

You guys off to play some golf?

Yeah. You want to caddy?

No, I do not.

Yeah.

Golf sucks.

I know that wasn't the point of your story.

Those guys were jerks.

Yes.

But I do envy the camaraderie they shared.

I've always wanted to Josh around with my peers.

So you've never joshed around with anyone?

Never.

But go have fun with the squad.

Really Josh around for me.

Welcome to château boy-Al.

Eleanor told me to keep the place clean, but I don't care.

Mommy's out of town, and we're gonna party.

You call your ex-wife mommy?

Not consciously.

This will do just fine.

You brought pineapple?

Well, the fanny runs deep.

I am prepared for any vacation situation.

I've got a bottle opener, sunscreen, inflatable neck pillow.

Wait. Are we having...

Fondue?

Tight.

Gina, you ready to party or what?

Don't mind if I... oh.

Whoa.

Dang!

Ah!

You're two sh*ts behind, Linetti.

[Door closes]

What up, party people?

[All exclaim]

You know how I'm always saying it ain't a real party till your boss shows up unexpectedly?

Well, it's a party.

What are you talking about?

Hello, party people.

Peralta told me to say that.

Yeah, I did.

♪ Ain't no party like a Captain Holt party ♪
♪ 'cause a Captain Holt party ♪
♪ is a total surprise to everyone ♪

Okay, well, Captain, the only free bedroom is my ex-wife's, which is strictly off-limits.

She locks the door and takes the handle home with her.

All right, you can have my bed.

Charles, I'll take yours.

Problem solved.

I'll sleep on the floor.

Charles: Captain, come with me.

What the hell, Jake?

No bosses.

Look, he told me this story about how his squad always excluded him, and I know I come across as a cynical, badass cop with a checkered past and a thirst for...

I felt bad.

You would've too.

Guys, he just wants to josh around.

Is that so bad?

I am dating his nephew.

Now we're hanging out on weekends?

What is next?

[Shudders] Small talk.

Okay, Amy, you got to be glad that Holt's here, right?

I mean, you're basically in love with him.

I love him.

I'm not in love with him, but I'm definitely not comfortable being drunk around him.

Ames, please keep the volume down, okay?

[Whispers] Sorry. It's two drinks.

I can't help it. That's it.

I'm cutting myself off.

So Jake messes up, and you punish me for it?

Come on, Amy. You're better than that.

Jake: You guys, this is gonna be fine.

I mean, Terry's our boss, and he comes with us every year.

Correction: You bring Vacation Terry, and he is no man's boss.

When the slippers are filled, Terry is chilled.

We're happy the captain's here.

Thank you, Scully and Hitchcock, the voice of reason.

Holt's the big fish we've been waiting for.

We have an exciting investment opportunity to pitch him.

What?

It's an offshore casino that's currently sunk off the coast of Delaware.

No, all right, you guys are both officially uninvited from this whole weekend.

Too late. We drove up as a group.

There's no getting rid of us.

Ah.

Rosa: Sorry, Jake.

This weekend's gonna suck.

Jake: All right, you know what?

You guys are being a bunch of r*cist, h*m* golf cops, and I for one think this weekend's gonna be even more fun because Holt is here.

Hey, what are you doing down here?

Lunch is ready.

I'm texting Marcus.

Mm.

Texting... that's the most intimate thing you can do to a lover with your fingers... other than washing their hair.

So I texted Marcus, and he hasn't texted me back.

I can't believe I'm asking this, but can you help me?

Oh, Rosa, yes.

I am the perfect person for this job.

Okay, let's get busy.

What was his initial text?

"I can't believe I miss you this much after three hours, X.O."

X.O.? Girl, marry him.

What'd you write back?

"Ha-ha, lame."

It's a joke. I was insulting him.

You know, flirting.

Think he's mad?

I bet he's heartbroken.

No, no. We can fix this.

We just have to write a very sweet, very heartfelt text that will jump-start the conversation.

"Hey, baby."

I don't call people "baby."

You do now.

So how do you all typically blow off steam?

Does anyone have any formal complaints about the work environment?

No, no, we usually just gossip, right?

Amy, Charles, and Jake: Yeah.

Hey, did everyone see Dave from downstairs this week?

He shaved his beard.

Oh, my God.

His whole face looks like a butt.

[All laughing]

Ha-ha, Butt Face Dave.

Butt Face Dave, that's his new name, butt face Dave, 'cause his face looks like a butt.

[Laughter]

I like David. He's a good cop.

Yeah.

David is great.

He's a good dude.

I like that guy.

I'd like to propose a toast.

Good idea. Great idea.

Mm!

Amy, you don't have a drink?

Oh, no, it's okay. I don't...

The captain's making a toast.

Don't be rude, Prude.

Okay, I guess I'll have one more.

You're on vacation. Who's counting?

[Whispers] I am.

Holt: Thank you for inviting me up.

To joshing around together.

Cheers.

To joshing!

All: Joshing.

Gina: This is fun.

Ooh, you know what we could do after lunch?

Walk on the beach.

But it's the middle of winter.

Which is ideal, you know?

Not too hot, no crowds.

The sand doesn't get everywhere 'cause it's basically frozen.

Exactly. Who brought their beach boots?

[Raspy] "I did."

Spot-on Rosa impression.

[Wind howling]

Holt: This is nice.

I mean, the wind is unexpected but welcome and bracing.

Yeah.

It's like a thousand little needles of happiness sh**ting into your face.

Well, we've been walking for about 20 minutes, so...

So we should probably turn around in another 20.

Good plan... an 80-minute walk on the beach.

Mm.

I'm so cold.

Even my fiery dance moves aren't keeping me warm.

The trick is, you got to be prepared.

Mini cognac, ladies?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, warm me up, you little bastard.

Mm.

Four drinks.

Mm, mm, mm.

Thank you, Terry's fanny.

And thank you, Poseidon, great God of the sea!

What are you wearing?

A T-shirt.

I only brought a bikini.

Seems weird to be in front of the captain in a bathing suit.

Got to cover up them thangs, yeah?

Fyi: You can still see them through your shirt.

So here we all are, finally relaxing as a squad together in the tub.

It's fun, huh?

Holt: I can't hear anyone.

Can we please turn off the jets?

Yeah.

Holt: That's better.

No more disturbed water.

Jake: Good call.

Wow, without the bubbles, you can really see everything.

Eyes up here, Peralta.

And... snip.

Mazel tov.

Captain, I bet you used to smoke cigars on the job all the time, right?

No, but I had a partner who did.

Had one burning all day long.

Dan Hammer.

That name is so cool, it doesn't need a nickname.

Ah, but he had one.

Snake Eyes.

Oh, Snake Eyes is a great one.

Oh, yeah.

He was the toughest son of a bitch I ever met.

When he d*ed, he stuck out his middle finger so he'd be flipping everyone off at his funeral.

Oh, that rules.

Yeah.

Who k*lled him?

Don't say a white tiger on cocaine, 'cause I will lose it.

No, cancer of the mouth, tongue, lip, and cheek.

Hmm.

Well, still, the middle finger thing is cool.

Actually, no one got to see that.

It was closed casket because the doctors had removed so much of his face.

All right, that's that.

All right, I admit it.

It's weird having the captain here.

It straight up sucks.

Rosa: Should we just go home?

What do you think, Terry?

I am not going anywhere.

I'm playing kwazy kupcakes.

I'm hydrated as hell, and I'm listening to Sheryl Crow.

I've got my own party going on.

Jake: Wait a minute.

Vacation Terry, you're a genius.

We'll have two parties, a fun one down here with just us and then an awkward, uncomfortable one in the living room with Holt.

He doesn't even have to know about it.

Separate parties, separate but equal... forget I said that phrase.

Ok, we don't have much time. Captain's in the bathroom, and we all know how efficient he is in there.

Here's the plan: The boring Holt party will be in the living room.

At least three of us must be with him in that room at all times.

It's not a party if there aren't four people.

Especially between the sheets.

Jake: The other party will be in here.

Shifts at each party will be 20 minutes and staggered.

Any questions?

How do you get your hair like that?

Born this way... also, Hitchcock and Scully are not to be left alone with the captain.

They'll annoy him into leaving his party with their weird sunken casino idea.

It's not an idea. It's a scheme.

Okay, that is way worse.

I think this is gonna work.

And who knows?

Maybe the Holt party will even be fun.

[Light recorder music]

Now, the recorder is generally thought of as a training instrument for children, but listen to it.

In the hands of an expert like Joram Leifgrum...

♪ ♪

The passion is... breathtaking.

Okay, so Marcus wrote, "what you doing right now?"

Then a smiley face blowing a kiss.

Oh, he's good.

We could say, "thinking about you."

Oh, forget it. That's stupid.

No, Rosa, it's poetry.

Oof.

First shift is done.

How was it?

I'm not gonna lie.

It was pretty brutal.

But on the plus side, I now hate a whole new genre of music.

All right, Boyle, Rosa, and Amy, you're up.

Come on, get on it.

And under it. Bangarang.

Ames, Ames, Ames.

Mm?

You don't want to be around Holt in your current state.

Say hello to the most confident woman alive.

Gah!

♪ Drink number five ♪

You are a true friend and a hot little piece.

Good-bye, four-drink Amy.

Sloppy sicko.

[Recorder music]

His name is...

Blair Underwood.

The man I saw in the grocery store was Blair Underwood.

Hey, Ray, it's time.

For what, Detective Santiago?

For you to give me a promotion and a 40% raise.

I've been carrying this squad for two years, and my back's getting tired.

Excuse me, Captain.

Hey, Amy, can I talk to you for one second?

Uh, you just did.

Burn.

Ah, so good.

So, listen, I don't think overconfident Amy is working out.

Maybe you should go back downstairs.

Mm, maybe I should just have another drink.

Get ready, America.

Here comes six...

Oh, what?

Okay, that's...

Wait a minute. Why is Scully up here?

Hey, Captain.

How much does it cost to raise a sunken ship?

Answer: Less than a casino makes in a year hopefully.

[Laughs] What a funny riddle.

Hey, Scully, there's this sandwich in the other room I want to show you.

Say no more.

Oh, that was easy.

What the hell, guys?

You can't just let Scully go wherever he wants.

We lost track of who was where, sorry.

Guys, if we're gonna pull this off, we need to focus.

You want to play?

Yeah, I want to play.

It's quarters. What, am I a monster?

Terry, tag me in. You're on Holt party duty.

It seems to me all-wheel drive is four-wheel drive.

[Techno music]

You need something. Who needs something?

I know they say it's not good to have a TV in the bedroom, which is... why I don't.

[All cheering]

[Laughing]

I am the king of quarters!

[All laughing]

See, I told you guys we'd still have fun this weekend.

Wait, Terry, aren't you supposed to be upstairs?

Not now. It's schnapps time.

Okay, Amy and Hitchcock are still upstairs.

I think we're still good.

Six-drink Amy... is so alone.

Oh, no.

Six-drink Amy isn't fun.

She's just sad. Damn it.

Jake: Guys, this is really bad.

Got to get up there.

Now, where is everyone?

Ah, Detectives.

You were having a party without me.

Captain...

No need to explain.

This is gonna sound controversial, but I think that went pretty good.

Man, I've never seen Captain Holt that upset before.

He looks like a sad block of granite.

What are we gonna do?

How do you cheer up granite?

Well, you could salvage it, much like the casino we've been talk...

Seriously, stop.

Terry: I feel awful.

My fanny's not deep enough to fix this.

Vacation Terry... is dead.

[Whispers] The fanny.

I'm gonna go talk to Captain Holt.

No, don't do that.

I invited him up here.

I should go talk to him.

Okay.

What?

Really thought you were gonna fight me on that, and then we'd have a whole back-and-forth, and eventually you'd go, "Jake, I respect you", but I got to do this."

No, it's uncomfortable.

I'd much rather you do it.

All right, fine.

Here I go.

You're walking in place.

All right!

Hey, I need to write Marcus back fast.

He's already freaked out by how long it takes me to text him back.

Listen, Rosa, there's nothing I'd rather do in my life than write a sexy text to your boyfriend, but I think this is something you got to do on your own.

Why?

You're so good at being lame, and I'm not.

Yeah.

Look, I like him.

I really like him.

I don't want to screw this crap up.

That's what you should say.

Just take that sentiment, remove the word "crap," and then send it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gah, I sent it.

He didn't write back, so he hates it.

No, wait. Look.

Okay, oh, okay, "dot, dot, dot."

It's happening.

[Cell phone chimes]

It's a shirtless pic.

We did it. We did it!

Thanks, Boyle.

Okay, I'm gonna leave. Don't follow me.

Things are about to get intense.

Makes sense.

Gina: Ames.

Gina.

You got to see the sasquatch.

Was it everything you drumpt?

It was the stuff drumps are made of.

Can you hold my eyes still till things stop spinning?

Okay, let's sit you up.

There. Easy does... there... oh, there you go.

Now drink this entire glass of water.

You're taking care of me.

Just cause I know you won't remember it.

Mm-mm, no.

You like me.

Six-drink Amy is your friend.

[Gags]

And... and she's gonna be very sick right now.

Okay.

[Grunts]

I heard you were out here.

Really hate those jets, huh?

I'm not a child. I don't need a bubble bath.

So listen.

Before you say anything, I want to say I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

Wow, I can't believe I almost made Terry do this.

Apology accepted.

I was so eager to make up for all the joshing around I'd missed, I forgot this getaway is really for you detectives.

And one of the things you're striving to get away from is your captain.

Yeah, I mean, it's nothing against you as a person.

Everyone loves you, but you're our captain, and normally we get really drunk and act like crazy idiots and play stupid games where we make fun of the boss.

Which is hard when the boss is present.

Yeah.

[Surf crashing in distance]

But not impossible.

I think instead of us rising to your level, it's maybe time for you to stoop down to ours.

[Chuckles]

And that's just the start.

I call the game "Real Ray or Fake Ray?"

And joining us is a very special contestant, Captain Ray Holt himself.

[Cheers and applause]

Jake: All right, here's how the game works.

I will say a phrase.

You tell me if I made it up or if it's something that Captain Holt actually said in real life to an actual human being.

I understand the logic of this game.

Great! Phrase number one: "The futility of lighting candles only to blow them out immediately is just one reason I find children's birthday parties impractical."

Holt.

That's Holt.

Mm, fake.

I say fake too.

I don't remember saying it, so it must be fake.

It was real!

All: Oh!

To Terry's kids at their birthday party.

Oh, I remember now.

Oh, do another one. Do another one.

All right, phrase number two:

"Any smile that lasts longer than a second and a half is a con man's ruse."

That's fake. That's a fake one.

I said it.

And I meant it!

All: Oh!

Man: Not a doctor. Shh.