02x18 - Captain Peralta

[bunniefuu]

Charles: Jake, you gotta see this.

There's something going on here.

Something a little... hairy.

Nope.

Don't see anything out of the ordinary.

Really?

Well, maybe I should... frame the question differently.

Terry, do you notice anything?

Amy?

New shirt?

Oh, come on, guys.

I grew a goatee, and it looks amazing, and I know you can see it.

Of course we can see it, Charles.

It's horrible.

It looks like you unclogged a shower drain with your mouth.

Yeah, you look exactly like the guy in the "Don't Talk to Strangers" poster.

No, I don't.

Are you talking about your new goatee?

Mm-hmm.

I think it's a good choice for your face.

Come over here, so I can take a better look.

Thank you, Captain.

I knew you'd appreciate Bianca.

That's right; I call her Bianca because she's dark and thick like my first cousin Bianca.

Jeffords, Peralta, now.

Wh... [shouts]

Say good-bye to Bianca, Boyle.

[screams]

No!

♪ ♪

Hey, Charles.

I want to ask you something, but you have to promise not to get excited and weird.

I can't promise anything of the sort.

It's about restaurants.

[giggles]

I'm so glad I didn't make that promise.

Oh, boy.

All right, where do you take your dad when you want to go someplace special?

Great question.

We go to Csaba.

It's a Hungarian restaurant that serves "Tál ezer kolbász," the platter of a thousand sausages.

Ugh.

It's symbolic of our manhood.

Okay, I should've saved the "ugh" till then.

Anyways, I'll try and get a reservation.

My dad's coming into town, and we're going out to dinner tonight.

Why are you going to dinner with him?

He hasn't visited you in six years.

Yeah, he's busy. He's an airline pilot.

Regional airline.

He flies internationally.

[scoffs] Quebec to Albany.

What is going on here?

What's your problem with my dad?

I'm just being wary.

He left you when you were seven, and he's been letting us down ever since.

Us?

I think of you as a brother, Jake, so he didn't just abandon you; He abandoned us.

Look, I know he hasn't been the best dad in the past, but he's changed.

Check it out. We've been texting.

"New phone. Who dis?"

No, below that. Oh.

See, he's coming into town just to see me.

All right, we're gonna go out to dinner tonight, then maybe take a walk through the park, possibly a carriage ride.

If I get chilly, he could loan me his coat.

I'm describing a date.

I don't know what fathers and sons do, but I'm gonna find out!

Terry: Joining us for lunch, sir?

Oh, no, I've already consumed the required calories for this day period.

Yummy.

But I do have some fun lunch chitchat.

When I was a detective, my old c.o., Jim Martins, used to keep us on our toes by have us solve brain teasers.

I thought maybe you'd like to try one.

Don't just tease my brain, Captain.

Really go to town on it.

Yeah, bring it on, sir.

I love puzzles.

They're like power squats for your mind.

Good. Here's a problem.

There are 12 men on an island.

11 weigh exactly the same amount, but one of them is slightly lighter or heavier.

You must figure out which.

And what do these men look like facially and with respect to their bodies?

It's unimportant.

So like Tyrese.

It's a land of Tyreses.

Sure.

The island has no scales, but there is a seesaw.

The exciting catch: You can only use it three times.

That sounds super exciting.

Is this thing mandatory?

Oh, I hope so. Please say yes.

No, but there is a prize for whoever solves it first.

Two tickets to this Sunday's Beyoncé Knowles rock music concert.

I'm in.

Marcus loves Beyoncé.

Everyone loves Beyoncé.

My girls were conceived to Bootylicious.

Don't tell my wife I told you that.

[cell phone chimes]

Whoop.

Guys, my dad just texted. He's in the building.

Scully, stop eating.

Terry, start flexing.

Everybody be cool.

Paging Detective Jake Peralta.

Ah, Dad!

How are you, son?

Good to see you.

Hey.

Everyone, this is my dad.

Hey, introduce yourself in your captain's voice.

Folks, this is your pilot speaking, Captain Roger Peralta.

If you look to your left, you'll see me, making your acquaintance.

Love that.

Hi, I'm Jake's best friend, Charles.

How are you?

Pop quiz: What's Jake allergic to?

Bees. And wasps.

Guy didn't even include wasps.

Huh!

Wasps. Those aren't even real.

Oh, hey, Captain Holt.

Come meet my dad, Captain Peralta.

Hello, Captain. Captain.

This is super weird for me.

Captain. Captain.

Anyways, you guys, my dad is the best pilot.

Oh, come on.

Tell them about Oregon.

Okay, this one time I'm in Eugene, I'm hitching a ride in the jump seat of a commuter jet.

I'm sleeping off a wicked hangover.

Noice.

All of a sudden, there's a jolt and a boom.

A bird. It was a bird.

Yeah, we sucked a bird into our intake.

Next thing I know, the cabin's filling up with smoke, alarm's going off, engine flames out and dies.

We are in a dead stall.

I look over at the pilot, Sam Power...

both: Great name.

He's white as a sheet.

And he says to me... I'll never forget what he said.

He says, "Bobby's got a big ol' butt."

Turns out he's having a stroke.

Bring the plane down on a highway, right across from a rest area.

Get on the PA, I say, "Folks, coffee's on me."

What? Wow.

Are you kidding me? [applause]

Anyway, I'm not here to talk about me.

I'm here to spend some time with my boy.

Ah, Dad.

It's good to see you. You too.

Oh, hey, let me give you a tour of the precinct.

Cool.

Ooh, you can interrogate one of my perps.

No, he can't. Don't do that, Jake!

You might as well save yourself some paper and give up now, Sarge.

You know I'm going to solve this first.

You probably can't tell, but I'm flexing my brain like crazy right now.

Gina: Yeah, you're both wasting your time.

Beyoncé's my spiritual twin.

Those tickets are my birthright.

No offense, but this is gonna come down to me and the sarge.

Whoa, you think you two are the only ones that can solve puzzles?

Yeah, what about Rosa, Gina, and me?

Is this how you want to die, Hitchcock?

Look, it's just that the sarge and I are really into puzzles.

Remember when I took that Sudoku cruise?

I never even went on deck.

100 bucks says Gina and I can solve this thing before you two puzzle dorks.

[scoffs]

Deal.

You're going down.

You're really not a part of this, Hitchcock.

Jake: [sighs]

Did they bring out more sausage while I was in the bathroom?

No, that's still the first mountain.

Good Lord.

Anyways, do you remember what you always did when you'd take me to dinner as a kid?

Tell the waitress it was your birthday, so we'd get a free dessert?

I already did it.

[scoffs]

I just told them it was your birthday.

Come on.

Looks like we're going to get two free probably disgusting sausage-filled desserts.

This is pretty fun, right?

I mean, we're actually bonding.

Jake, there's something I want to talk to you about.

Last week I was flying into Albany from Quebec, you know how I always keep my snowboard with me in case I get a chance to carve...

So cool.

Well, Canadian customs found some prescription meds in my board bag.

They're accusing me of smuggling.

What?

Yeah, I have no idea how they got in there.

They're not mine.

But it's bad.

I could lose my pilot's license.

But you're the best pilot in the world, I'm guessing without knowing anything about the field.

I'm really in a bind here.

Jake, I need your help.

That's actually the reason I'm here.

Oh.

That's the reason.

Happy sausage birthday to both of you.

[all singing in Hungarian]

♪ ♪

All right, let's talk about my dad's case.

The case of why he came to town?

I solved it: Because he wanted to take advantage of his son.

Jake: Okay, fine.

First I was a little upset, but then I realized this is great.

You know, we'll get to spend some time together, and he'll see what a good cop I am.

He should already think you're great.

Like with my dad, he doesn't need me to prove to him that Jake Peralta is the best cop in the precinct.

He knows it!

Tell us about the case.

Here's what we know so far.

One, Hungarian sausage is an oily mess, and it causes nonstop dumps.

The incontinence is a small price to pay for the deliciousness.

It's disgusting, and it was a terrible recommendation.

Two, the Canadian cops think that my dad used his security clearance to smuggle in over a thousand pills of Turgidol.

Canadian erection medication.

Very potent.

What? I don't need it.

[whispers] But I love it.

Oh, boy.

Three, the case against him looks pretty solid.

Four, he's never been a good dad to Jake.

Five, he has been a good dad, especially from ages zero through seven and yesterday through forever.

Six, nonstop dumps.

Holt: Enough. How did you read these files?

They're in French.

Scully translated them for me.

When I was nine, my parents took me to Paris, and they accidentally left me at the Louvre.

By the time they figured it out, they were already back in Queens.

Okay, no one cares about your boring life, Scully.

This is about my dad and proving his innocence.

Sir, I'd like to go to Canada for a few days and help him out.

Of course, but take Boyle with you.

It'd be good to have an objective set of eyes.

Fine, but under protest because he's a jerk.

Also, we'd like to take Scully with us.

Well, perfect.

I do you a favor; You do me one too.

Thank you.

All right, there is no way we let Amy and the sarge b*at us.

We sit here until we figure this thing out.

Rosa, my mind is ready.

Okay.

"There's an island with 12 men."

Oh, I'm so bored. I cannot do it.

I can do this.

One guy's slightly heavier.

There's a seesaw.

I got it.

You use the seesaw to press down on their necks until fatty confesses.

Incorrect. Damn.

And disturbing.

Roger: Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking.

That's my dad.

The captain talking right now, I came out of his body.

No big deal.

We're headed for an on-time arrival in Drummondville, Quebec.

Folks, this is a special flight for me, because sitting in seat 3B is my son, Jake Peralta, one of New York's finest.

[applause] Oh.

Thanks, Dad!

Love you too.

Got to admit, it was pretty nice of him to bump us up to first class.

Ugh, this plush fabric is making my rump sweat.

Maybe you're just a little too uncultured to enjoy such a sophisticated kind of an experience.

Oh, brother.

[English accent] What do you say there, Scully, old boy?

Look at this nut mix: It's half cashews!

I hope we never land!

So loud.

Hey, guys.

How you enjoying the flight?

So how's the case going?

Oh, good.

We already have four suspects who work at the airport, and I want to talk to your girlfriend, Denise, because she had access to your bags.

Not on the night in question.

She's been spending some time at her place.

Relationships are complicated.

You cheated on her a bunch, and she found out.

Okay, I deserve that.

Charles, I have cheated on women in the past and on this one too.

You got a penchant for blondes.

Hey, come on, you can't blame a guy for occasionally dropping anchor at the cold Commodore Club.

[laughter]

So seriously, Jake, this is going to be okay?

Oh, yeah. You're going to be fine.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, Jake.

Who's flying the plane?

Co-pilot, Scully. Co-pilot.

Okay, look.

Let's try a new approach.

We weigh these three islanders against these three islanders.

If they weigh the same, we eliminate them, and if they don't, we...

Where'd they go?

Terry's mouth is full of donuts.

You said we could eliminate 'em!

Only if they weigh the same.

We've been here forever.

I'm getting snacky.

Fine. Let's start over.

Okay, we balance three against three, and if they weigh the same, we just...

What just happened?

Come on, man.

Stop eating the islanders.

I'm saving them from this weight-obsessed nightmare island.

By murdering them?

I warned you against using donuts.

They're my trigger food.

Mmm. Terry.

These islanders are delicious.

Okay, so two of our suspects are in the baggage area.

Do you think you can get us access?

You're with a pilot. I can get you in anywhere.

Hey, you guys want a 10% discount on duty-free maple syrup?

Do I ever!

man with French accent: Roger Peralta.

Roger Peralta... [speaking French]

Hey! What?

Scully, what's going on?

[speaking French]

Scully: "Roger Peralta is under arrest for possession of a controlled substance."

What? [speaking French]

"They found pills in his apartment."

Roger: Jake, I don't know what he's talking about.

I swear I don't know how those pills got in my apartment.

Wait. Jake.

Scully, tell them we're cops.

Tell them!

[speaks French]

sh**t.

That means "turnip."

I said we were turnips.

I got it. Don't worry.

We are turnips!

Nope, that was English. Yeah.

The cops said your dad's being held without bail, they want us on the next flight out, and that Bernard's is the best poutine place in the airport.

You want some?

No, I don't want poutine right now.

Yes!

Man, I can't believe they found pills at my dad's place.

That means none of our suspects could've possibly done it.

Oh, my God, Boyle.

Is there a chance that my dad is actually a drug smuggler?

Well, let's look at the facts.

dr*gs in his luggage, dr*gs in his apartment.

Terrible dad, terrible husband, cheats on his girlfriend.

I think he did it.

You're right.

He didn't do it.

That's not what I said.

No, you said he cheats on his girlfriend.

Presumably, he has to do that with someone, and that someone would have access to his apartment and his bags.

Dad dropped anchor at the Commodore's Club.

"Someone" is there.

Even so, how do we get in there?

By wearing Dad's pilot uniforms.

No, Jake, I just don't think he's innocent, and I just think...

So you don't want to be my co-pilot?

I'm in!

Norman Greenbaum: ♪ Going up to the spirit in the sky ♪
♪ Spirit in the sky ♪
♪ That's where I'm gonna go when I die ♪
♪ When I die ♪
♪ When I die and they lay me... ♪

Sorry, Scully.

We only had two uniforms.

It's okay.

For some reason, all the fries and gravy and cheese upset my tummy.

both: Huh.

♪ ♪
♪ Going up to the spirit in the sky ♪
♪ Spirit in the sky ♪
♪ That's where I'm gonna ♪

Are you here because you've solved my brain teaser?

Sir, you've been an underdog your whole life.

But you defied the odds by having others secretly help you 'cause you didn't have what it took.

That's not my story.

But now we're the underdogs, and we're the ones who need a handout, so just tell us the answer.

Or have you forgotten where you come from?

I'm not gonna help you.

I told you that was not gonna work.

Stop the clock.

We're here, and we have the solution.

First, you weigh six versus six.

Wrong. That'll never work.

You just wasted your time and mine.

Click!

I just captured the exact moment when you realized you had failed.

I guess we all got something out of this.

Holt: So that's it?

This problem is beyond all of you?

No one solved it.

Believe me.

No one is more disappointed in me than me.

"Than I," Santiago.

[whispering] Click.

Hi there. Yeah, that's us.

Home sweet home.

Got dem wings.

Yeah.

Ooh. Okay.

Boom, right there, behind the bar.

That's my dad's type.

Oh, he likes 'em neat and clean, real tidy.

What?

No, blondes. He likes blondes.

All right, here's the plan.

We're gonna go sit down, order a couple of drinks, grab her fingerprints off the glass she serves us, and then measure her wrist for handcuff size.

Ready? Yeah.

Oh, crazy flight.

Charles: Oh, those hydraulics were loud.

Yeah.

Ah, bonjour, bonjour.

Two whiskeys, please, Chantelle.

Thanks.

Say, I'm looking for an old sky pal of mine.

Do you know Roger Peralta?

Yes. Yes, I do.

How do you guys know Peralta?

Oh, I used to fly with him back in Oregon.

My name's Captain Spike Masters.

This is my co-pilot Wanda Cohen.

Charles: I drive the plane when he sleeps.

I also take care of hotel accommodations.

Where'd you guys say you flew in from?

Akron. Luxembourg.

Connected in Akron.

Took the old 78... 9er on the wind stream.

You know, flight stuff.

Anyhow...

[sighs]

Can we grab those two whiskeys, please?

I do not know who you are, and I do not think you are pilots.

Your suit doesn't even fit.

Ah.

I had my stomach stapled.

Sécurité! Sécurité!

[speaking French]

Ah! Unhand us.

This is outrageous.

I demand to speak with the commodore himself.

There's no way we'll get her fingerprints now.

Oh, really?

Voilà.

French.

She cleaned the bar quite thoroughly, but this bottle is filthy with her prints.

Smurt.

That's why you're the pilot, and I'm the co-pilot.

Copy that, Wanda.

Copy that.

Wanda Cohen.

Rosa: Wait, Captain.

Gina and I figured out your dumb brain teaser.

I highly doubt that, sir.

I'll judge for myself, Santiago.

Okay, Diaz.

What's the solution?

We have no idea.

Ha! Told ya.

But neither do you, sir.

What?

Captain Holt, you don't know what the solution is.

Excuse me?

Here's how we cracked it.

I took the photo of you demolishing Amy's spirit and made these clever T-shirts that say, "#nerdfail."

It's not that clever.

It's hilarious.

Look at this.

Your expression is the same as Amy's because you're both devastated that you just let down your mentors.

Gina: I looked at your calendar.

You're supposed to have breakfast with your old c.o.

You wanted us to solve the problem before you saw him.

That's crazy.

She's right.

What? No.

He posed that problem to me 20 years ago.

Every time I see him, he asks, "Do you have the answer yet?"

And I never have.

Those islanders and their pathetic seesaw haunt my dreams.

They mock me in my sleep, riding up and down on a teeter-totter of taunts.

Cool.

So who gets the Beyoncé tickets?

Jake: ♪ O Canada ♪
♪ You home of crappy cops ♪

Guess who just freed his dad from Canadian prison and slammed six free mimosas on the first-class flight home sans the juice?

Spoiler alert, it was Jake.

It was me.

So turns out my dad's sidepiece framed him.

She was hella pissed 'cause she found out about his real girlfriend and his other sidepiece.

So yeah.

Turns out my dad is a great guy after all.

And in celebration of my freedom, I'm taking everybody out tonight.

Drinks are on me.

Jake: Eh?

Where's Scully?

Scully. Oh, no.

Who?

Jake: Hey, Hank.

When you see my dad walk in, can you dim the lights and play We Are the Champions?

No.

I don't know what your dad looks like, I don't have the song... [phone chimes]

And the lights aren't on dimmers.

Oh, no. It's okay, Jake.

You give me the signal, I'll start unscrewing bulbs.

No, my dad just texted.

He's not coming.

To Jake's dad!

[all cheer]

Yep.

Sorry, Jake.

I'm sure your dad has a really good reason for not being here.

No, don't do that, all right?

Don't let him off the hook.

That's what I've done my whole life.

You know, when he missed my 11th birthday, I blamed myself for being born on a peak travel day.

You were right about him, Boyle.

So what do we do now?

Hug for ten minutes.

No, give me a rain check on the hug.

There's something I got to do.

You can have my beer. Cool.

[knocks on door]

Jake.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the party.

I'm subbing for a buddy who's got an early flight.

I'm sure you're upset.

No, actually, I'm not upset at all.

Yeah?

Great.

No, more relieved.

You know, you were always my hero, but I think I'm finally starting to see you for who you really are: A regional airline pilot whose landings are bumpy as hell and a pretty selfish guy who genuinely doesn't care about being a dad.

Jake, you don't understand.

There was a downdraft on the Drummondville runway.

Oh, wow.

It's not my fault.

Yeah, clearly.

Look, I've been making excuses for you my whole life, but you're a pretty crappy father, and until you're ready to be a good one, don't call me.

Also I'm taking your captain hat because it's cool, and I want it.

Norman Greenbaum: ♪ Going up to the spirit in the sky ♪
♪ Spirit in the sky ♪
♪ That's where I'm gonna go when I die ♪

I got to say, figuring out Captain Holt didn't know the answer was an incredible solve.

I'm sorry if we implied you weren't smart.

Oh, and I'm sorry if we implied you're both asexual nerds who can only be friends with service animals.

You didn't.

Rosa: Not to your face, but to a ton of people behind your back.

Thanks for the drink.

Yes.

Next round's on me.

It's the least I can do for teasing your brains so mercilessly.

So what are you gonna say to your old c.o. tomorrow when he asks if you've solved the puzzle?

I don't know.

Thanks for bringing that up.

Fun chat.

Gina: Just say you're a captain now, and you're busy running a precinct, so he can go suck an egg.

Or we can all work together all night long, and I'm sure we can eventually figure it out.

I like that, Terry. It shows real heart.

But I'm going with Gina's "suck an egg" idea.

You get the Beyoncé tickets.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Of course I do.

I told you.

It was my birthright, you b*tches.

Superglue your panties to your butts, ladies, because Jake is in the house!

What?

Never mind.

I'm a little drunk. Ah.

I'm also worried about you.

Come here. Ten-minute hug time.

I'd rather not.

Come on. Okay.

Boyle, release him.

Fine, only because you're ordering me to.

There's nine minutes left on that hug.

Great.

Heh.

Nice job in Quebec.

I bet the local cops weren't happy you showed them up.

Yeah, well, maybe not at first.

But by the end, they kept calling me a real bâtard, which I can only assume means "hero."

It means "bastard," but that's only because they were jealous.

You did good work.

Here.

Is this an allowance?

Are you giving me an allowance?

No, I'm paying the bartender for more drinks.

Oh, right.

I'm proud of you.

Charles: Nine minutes start now!