02x21 - Det. Dave Majors

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my God!

Rosa's wearing pink! Rosa's wearing pink!

Are we sure it's not a white shirt that just been bloodying in a motorcycle crash.

Maybe it wasn't her. If he had a twin sister...

If Rosa had a twin, she would have eaten her in the womb.

Wait. Hold it. Stop.

How come none of you teased her about it?

Jake: It's Rosa. She's scary.

You guys are unbelievable.

I once wore a tie with a splash of purple.

You guys called me Mr. Grapes for two years.

Gina: Oh, Mr. Grapes.

I forgot about Mr. Grapes.

If I wore a pink shirt, you'd tear me to shreds.

Jake: Well, yeah, but you'd look like a My Little Pony with a g*n.

Terry: Let me guess.

Your theater club is putting on Grease, and you're playing a pink lady.

[laughter]

What are you guys laughing at?

If Boyle was wearing a pink shirt.

I get it. That's hilarious.

What's happening?

Rosa is the one wearing pink.

And?

It's gorgeous.

I wish I could pull that off Dream on, Strawberry Shortcake.

Jake: Yeah, nice try, Mr. Grapes.

Mr. Grapes.

Mr. Grapes!

♪ ♪

Last night, several masked men robbed a number of check cashing locations in our precinct.

They also hit several locations in the Nine-Three, so this will be a joint investigation.

Detective David Majors is already on the case.

Whoa, Dave Majors?

Seriously?

Rosa: Who's that?

He's The best detective in the NYPD, myself included.

His arrest numbers are staggering.

His conviction rate is magnificent.

He is blotter dynamite.

I mean, I'm cool.

I'm just hanging out with you guys.

Gina: Great, but what's his body like on a scale from Charles to Terry?

Sorry, buddy.

What?

I'm the ten.

Sure you are.

Jake: Majors does just fine.

His girlfriend is the weather lady from channel five.

You know, the one who's always reaching for Cooperstown?

[whistles] Love her.

Ray: Well, I need someone to partner up with him.

Ooh, me, me, me, me, me.

Oh, I'll do it.

Sir, with all due respect, I'm the obvious choice.

I mean, look at me. I'm not in profile.

Amy: Sir, please let the record show that the sauce on his face is from yesterday.

And it is that level of eagle-eyed observation that I plan to bring to...

Ray: Enough. You can both work the case.

Three heads are better than two.

Also, I fear any other decision I make will just result in further noise.

Jake: Good call, sir.

I was about to start chanting, "Vote for Jake."

Charles: Let's do it anyway.

Vote for Jake. Vote for Jake.

Dismissed.

Yeah.

Code Chartreuse.

I repeat, Code Chartreuse.

Gina, for the last time, please limit your alerts to ROY-G-BIV.

Gina: Disappointing.

"Code Chartreuse" means "the recruiter from Copperhead Security, Gary Shaw, is here."

Gary Shaw has attempted to pry me away from the NYPD for eight years.

When he makes his offer, I know just what I'll say: Never is not just a crater on Mars.

Of course, it is a crater on Mars.

That's hilarious.

It's not meant to be funny, Boyle.

It's meant to be devastating.

Gary: Captain Holt, good to see you.

Mr. Shaw, let's just cut to the chase: Never is not just a crater on Mars.

Of course, it is a crater on Mars.

Gary: Well, actually, I'm not here for you.

A member of your squad reached out to me, a Sergeant Terry Jeffords.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Well, Sergeant Jeffords is out there.

Gary: Thank you, Captain.

There's my guy Terry the t*nk.

What? Guys. What? Guys.

Terry called him? He's shaking Terry's hand.

Now I'm just describing everything that's happening?

What the hell is going on?

I do not know.

And now Captain Holt doesn't know.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Oh, Majors isn't here yet?

I wasted all that coolness on a bunch of nobodies.

I'm just gonna reset.

[imitates robotic whirring]

Jake, he's a highly decorated detective.

He's not gonna be impressed by your sunglass choreography.

He's gonna be too distracted by my notebook flip.

Shut up. Shut up. He's here.

Hey, you must be the Nine-Nine.

I'm Majors.

Hey. Peralta.

This is Santiago.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

You mean here in my notebook?

I looked into the baby masks the perps were wearing, and no stores in the tri-state area sell them.

Dave: Reminds me of a m*rder I worked a few years back.

Perp always wore these weird masks We couldn't figure out where he bought them.

Turns out he was making his own masks from human skin.

No.

That is so awesome.

Really, Amy? For whom?

Sounds to me like those face masks were once somebody's face... faces.

Dave: That's true, Peralta.

I think about that every day.

You and me both. Ahh.

Okay, I'm gonna look around, take a few statements.

Juicy. Juicy.

Good call. Good call.

Yep, yep, yep.

Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight.

Well, looks like round one goes to Peralta.

And don't worry; I'm just getting warmed up.

I still have eight sunglass moves locked and loaded.

Make that nine.

A-whee.

[caws]

[hoots]

So how was lunch?

It was good.

I had the T-bone with...

Charles: I don't give a crap about the food.

Just email me about that later.

What happened with Gary?

He gave me the hard sell.

Look at all this swag I got: Puffy vest, carabiner...

Terry, carabiners suck.

You want free stuff?

Here you go. All right?

You can have anything you want from Amy's desk.

Yeah.

Gary made me an offer: Better hours, great benefits, a serious pay raise, my own office... with walls.

Did you tell him Terry doesn't love walls?

No, Terry loves walls.

I'm seriously considering saying yes Look, I have another kid on the way.

Do you know how much diapers cost?

Yes.

The point is, I'm trying to do what's best for my family.

It's not just about me.

Exactly.

It's about me and how you are abandoning me to these squares.

Jake: Yikes.

Look at all these baby masks.

Looks like someone's due for a spanking from Papa Law.

Nice.

So the van was stolen from a rental lot three weeks ago and dumped here yesterday.

Talk about a curbside drop-off.

We're working a case here, Amy. It's not Showtime at the Apollo.

Great point. Thank you so much, Jake.

Well, I'm going to go sign the van over to forensics.

Hey, listen, I'm a member of this invite-only speakeasy called The Keychain.

Want to get a drink there later?

I'd ask Amy also, but I can only bring one guest.

Nah, it's cool; I'm sure she's busy tonight anyway.

Taxes are due in eight months.

Actually, they were due two weeks ago.

Well, that is a horrible surprise.

But the point is, drink sounds good.

[muffled music]

[knocking]

Password?

Tropical.

Oh, my gah.

This place is amazing.

Yeah, I come here after ever case I solve, which means I'm here a lot.

Oh, nice.

Every time I solve one, I go get a steak dinner.

My cholesterol is uh-terrible.

[laughs] Milo, this is my friend Jake.

We're working a case together.

Jake: Yeah, and this is my friend Dave.

We're friends. I'll have a...

Oh no. You don't order here.

Milo makes you a drink he knows you'll love, and then you love it.

Really? Interesting.

Barrel Proof bourbon, neat orange stood a chaser.

Well, to the first of many hangs.

Yeah, totally.

Listen, the reason I brought you here is, I want to ask you, what's the deal with Santiago?

Amy? Oh, no.

Did she do something weird?

No, no, she's great.

I just want to know if there's something going on with you two.

You know, are you together...

Oh, no, no.

Cool, when this case is over, I'm gonna ask her out.

Oh.

You're gonna ask out Amy when the case ends.

Perfect.

Oh.

[gasps]

Yeah, that's a sippin' whiskey.

[exhales]

So it is.

Seems about right.

Rosa: What's wrong with you?

You and Majors have too much fun last night at "The Keychain?"

Okay, it's a private bar, not a haunted motel.

And no, I did not have a good time.

Turns out he didn't want to be best bros at all.

He just wanted to know if I was cool with him asking Amy out when the case ended.

I thought he was dating that weather girl.

No, he dumped her because she blamed Hurricane Sandy on gay marriage.

Anyways, now when the case ends, Amy is gonna marry Detective "Blotter Dynamite."

Why do you even care?

You still like her?

I don't know. I mean, we're friends.

And things have been kind of flirty lately.

Plus, we had this weird romantic moment thing-y at Charles and Gina's parents' wedding.

Ugh, just say you like her.

All right, fine, I still like her.

Look, I've been thinking about asking her out for the last couple of weeks, but it's hard.

There's so much buildup now, you know?

Not really. I don't ask people out.

I just tell them where we're going.

Great, well, it doesn't matter now anyway, 'cause I told Dave to go for it.

That was crazy stupid.

Sorry. That was normal stupid.

You should have told him to back off.

I can't go around telling guys not to ask Amy out because I like her and I'm too dumb to do anything about it.

I can't make a woman's choice for her.

I stand with Wendy. Did I do that right?

No.

Oh.

Look, If you want to give her a real choice, you've got to let her know that you an option.

I think you know what you've got to do.

Yeah.

Ask her out before the case ends, right?

I just want to be extra clear.

The stakes for me are through the roof for me on this one.

You wanted to see us?

What are these requisition forms?

We are throwing Terry a "please stay" party.

My vision is a frozen yogurt machine operated by Pam Grier.

Sir, we think Sarge is going to accept Copperhead's offer.

I never thought I'd say these words: You have to put Gina in touch with Pam Grier.

No, Sergeant Jeffords can make up his mind without the influence of Foxy Brown or cold yogurt.

He is a grown man.

Oh, I see what's going on here You're upset that Terry would even consider leaving the Nine-Nine.

I'd expect this pettiness from a spineless amoeba like Charles, but not you, Sir.

I'm not spineless.

Come on, Charles.

Yep.

Amy: Ahh, look who's finally here.

We already solved the case without you.

What? You did?

Kidding.

Oliver was actually giving us some pretty bad news.

Carry on, Oliver.

So we swabbed the whole van.

We didn't find anything.

No hairs, no fibers, no semen.

And a rental van is usually a frickin' Jackson Pollock.

All right.

They also wiped down the masks with some sort of bleach solution.

They were really covering their tracks.

Check it out.

Well, that wasn't very helpful.

Although, I did learn I should never rent a van again.

Hey, can I talk to you for a second privately?

Sure. Oh, wait.

This isn't gonna be that thing where you pretend you got an important text from Holt, and it's just that video of screaming sheep.

I promise you it's not, but I do stand by that prank.

So what's up?

Okay, I almost feel weird saying this, but I wanted to ask you... wow, those pictures are not helping.

Oh, my God.

They're really gonna have to re-grout.

Ugh, finding a contractor.

You are so consistent.

Anyways, the question I wanted to ask you is...

Oliver: So I got the results on that feces.

It's human, but it's not all human.

You're not Dr. Gassner.

We are not.

Can you give us a sec?

Sure.

Real quick, what was the other...

Dog and bear.

Wow.

I thought you'd really be into that feces puzzle.

Normally, yes.

But I want to talk to you about something else right now.

More specifically...

Guys, dispatch called.

Great, Dave's here now.

The check-cashing babies just struck on Flatbush.

We've got to go.

Lead the way.

What did you want to tell me?

Oh, Captain Holt sent a very important text.

Oh.

[sheep bleating]

[chuckles]

[sniffs]

What's that smell?

That's lavender. Terry loves lavender.

A little homemade honey yogurt infused with lavender and love.

Mmm, that is delicious.

Hold it.

This isn't some weird breast milk or something is it, Boyle?

I mean, technically it's from a sheep's breast.

Hey, Terry, got any new baby pics?

You hate looking at pictures of my twins.

You said since they were identical, I didn't need to take photos of both.

That doesn't sound like Auntie Gina.

I love your baby pics and your stories about the twins' sleep schedules.

Okay, I know what you two are doing.

This is your weird way of trying to make me stay at the Nine-Nine.

Well, I am loving it.

[laughter]

You know, the funny thing is, Cagney naps better, but at night, that's Lacey's time to shine.

One time, she went 8-to-8.

Dang.

Wow.

I know.

Ray: Jeffords, I need you to digitize all your case files from 1995 to 1999 inclusive by tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

But it's already 1:00.

I told Sharon we'd have dinner tonight.

I was gonna have a cup of coffee so that I could stay up and... kiss.

I suggest putting that caffeine towards something more productive than "kissing."

Sir, what are you doing?

Making sure that Jeffords' case files are digitized by tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

I thought I was perfectly clear.

I've got to call my wife, tell her date night is off.

I sent her all those kiss-face emojis for no damn reason.

Gina: Oh, no.

Despite what I've been saying for years, that ass just might quit.

I don't get it.

There's no rhyme or reason to the locations they hit.

This place was so well-guarded.

And why not hit the one down the street that just has an old man out front?

It just seems so random.

Yeah, it's like... oh, that feels great.

I don't think it's random.

These guys are too good, you know.

We'll cr*ck it.

I'm gonna go grab some coffee.

Great.

Mm.

Hey, now that it's just us, there's a thing I wanted to... to say a-da-za you.

Why doesn't your mouth work?

Why doesn't your mouth work? Title of our sex tape.

What?

Your sex tape.

What? No.

Look, here's what I wanted to say.

Oh, no. I figured it out.

Huh?

Here, look.

The trash cans, the van, the jumpsuit, they all say "Johnny's Janitorial."

Not random.

They cased each location as cleaners.

No wonder the van was so spotless.

Dave: Hey, what did I miss?

Jake just solved the case.

Holy crap. That's awesome.

[laughs]

All right.

I mean, but, you know, it's not totally done yet.

You know, still a long way to go.

Tons of paperwork, and a case is never truly done until the trial is complete and the sentence is served completely to its fruition in prison.

Jake, just celebrate.

Okay.

Wow.

Rosa: Why the long face?

That Mexican candy giving you nerve damage again?

Probably, but who even cares?

Why did I solve the case?

Why couldn't I have just let those guys continue to terrorize Brooklyn until I built up the nerve to ask out a girl?

You're a good cop.

Do not b*at yourself up about that.

I'm not a good cop. I'm an amazing cop.

And I'll never forgive myself.

The case is over, Amy and Majors are on their way to The Keychain right now.

It's too late.

Has she done the double tuck yet?

When Amy really likes a guy, she gets nervous and tucks her hair behind both ears at the same time.

[giggles]

Well, I can never unsee that, but no, she has not done that yet.

Then there's still time.

Get in there and bust up her date.

Show her you care.

Ruin her night.

You really have a unique take on love.

Ugh, I've only gotten through September of 1995.

What are you guys doing here?

Blowing your stupid mind.

We did the rest of the files for you.

Seriously?

I'm gonna text my wife.

Now there's time for dinner and a movie.

And none of that "on demand" crap.

Tonight I'm gonna fall asleep in a real movie theater.

Yeah, that's how we do it in the Nine-Nine.

We got each others' backs.

Damn right.

Charles, make your own point.

Don't just pile onto mine.

Ray: Gina, where have you been?

You left your cell phone on your desk, and I assumed you were dead.

Mm, I would clearly be buried with my phone.

Sir, these guys already digitized all my files for me.

Isn't that amazing?

What?

Why did you snatch up Sergeant Jeffords' task?

Because we're trying to get him to stay.

Well, that's not your job.

Jeffords, you can stay here and digitize 2000 through 2005 inclusive.

I expect it done by the morning.

Great.

Now I have to re-cancel on Sharon.

If I worked at Copperhead, I'd be home by now swimming in a pool of gold coins, like my boy, Scrooge McDuck.

[muffled music]

[knocking]

Password?

Tropical.

Mm-mm.

That's an old password.

It changes every night.

All right, fine. Tropical one?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Augh!

Ahh!

Ha-ha. Not cool, okay?

Look, just ask Milo the bartender, all right?

He knows me. Tell him Orange Soda is back.

I don't know no Milo.

The bartenders also change their names every night.

And get out of here until you know the password, man.

Damn it. This place is so cool.

Come on, strangers.

Show me your lips.

There you go.

Got it.

[knocking]

Pepper.

Pooper.

[knocking]

Popcorn.

[knocking]

Plor-PA-PA.

Plorp.

Pa-aark.

Parked.

Okay.

Yeah.

Nooorse.

Bull's-eye.

Oh, no, the double tuck.

[clears throat]

Oh, hey.

You wouldn't kick out a hopeless romantic who's only here in the name of love, would you?

Ooh, you would.

Gina: Terry!

So what happened at breakfast with Gary?

Are you leaving us for Copperhead?

Because I'm prepared to light Charles on fire in protest.

Relax.

I declined the offer, told them I wasn't interested.

Eat it, Gary.

I gave him back all his swag, except the puffy vest, which I, uh, lost.

I'm staying at the Nine-Nine!

[cheers and applause]

Ray: Great news, Sergeant.

Really?

So you're done trying to push him out, Yoko?

Terry: Whoa, don't give Captain Holt a hard time.

He's the reason I'm staying.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're an adult, and you came to your own decision.

Look at me. I can't keep a straight face.

I played you like a fiddle.

Yeah, you did.

Digitizing those old files reminded me of all the cases I worked and all the good we do in community.

What's best for my family is that they grow up with a dad who's proud of what he does.

Thank you, Captain.

Look at you.

You're like the wise old owl from those lollipop commercials.

Terry's back!

[cheers and applause]

Dave: Hey, buddy, sorry I'm late.

I had to get this dumb medal from the commissioner for a double-m*rder I solved last year.

Been there.

I had a pretty crazy morning myself.

Jake, your taquitos exploded in the toaster oven.

Thanks, Rosa. 10-4. Copy that.

So how did it go with Santiago?

Actually, she wasn't into it.

Swing and a miss.

You're kidding.

Yeah, it was really weird.

I've never been turned down before, so unexpected.

I'm excited to see what happens to me next.

Okay.

So... Blotter Dynamite struck out, huh?

I know, but why?

What does it mean, and why did she double tuck?

And how come she turned him down?

Do you think it has something to do with me?

Rosa, what is she thinking?

Jake.

Yeah, I should ask her myself.

Hey, you just missed Majors.

I've got to say, he was looking a little bit rough, almost like he was up all night crying or something.

Ha-ha, Jake.

I'm sure he's fine.

So... what happened?

Well, I thought we were getting a drink to celebrate closing the case.

But apparently, he thought it was a date.

Right, and you were not into that, because he's so muscular and in command of his finances?

He's great, but after everything that happened with Teddy and all the cops I know who go out and break up and then still have to work together, it's just too messy.

I've got a new rule: I don't date cops.

Cool. Cool.

Yeah, actually, that's funny. I have the same rule.

No more cops.

From this point on, it's strictly dating criminals.

If you break up with them, you can always send them to jail forever.

Exactly, nice and clean.

Mm-hmm.

So...

Hey, I got an email from the commissioner's office about our case.

What did they say?

[sheep bleating]

Ahh! Ahh. Ah-ha.

You got me with my thing.

Mm-hmm.

Great.

Oh!