03x08 - Ava

[bunniefuu]

Cluck, cluck! Gobble, gobble!

Guess who just came from the P.S. 321 Thanksgiving Parade?

Charles, you actually might...

Who's Charles? I'm Tommy Gobbler.

And I'm stuffed with Thanksgiving happiness!

Gobble, gobble!

Seriously, Charles...

Uh-uh, I warned you!

I'm Tommy Gobbler, you silly pilgrim.

Okay, Tommy Gobbler.

There you go!

These are the Davidsons.

They want to know what happened to their missing grandmother.

I have some deeply tragic news for you.

♪ ♪

Listen up.

Diaz and I are going to Rikers to interview a guy we think has info on the Douglass Street murders.

Also, IT says the internet is down.

What? No!

I had just clicked a link that said Balloon Boy grew up hot.

Now I will never see those pictures.

Can't you just use the internet on your phone?

Bitch, you know I'm out of data.

Jake, can I speak to you for a minute?

In private.

Ooh, someone's in trouble.

It's me. I don't know why I did that.

So Sharon'll be here in an hour.

We're driving up to the Berkshires to spend one last weekend alone before the baby comes.

Yeah! Somebody's gonna get it!

She's 37 weeks pregnant, man.

We're gonna eat pie in bed.

Oh, yeah.

I just wanted to ask: If Sharon gets here before I'm back from Rikers, can you make sure she's comfortable?

And also, um...

Keep Captain Holt away from her.

Really? Why?

He's always weird around her and it stresses her out.

She says he reminds her of those judgmental trees from "Lord of the Rings."

[scoffs] They're called "Ents."

Get a life, dweeb.

I don't care.

Okay.

Can you handle it?

Yes, I can totally handle it.

I will take care of Sharon.

As long as she's carrying my godchild inside of her, I am her god-husband.

She is my god-wife.

And I will god-love her forever.

Come on, man.

Don't say stuff like that.

Which part? All of it?

I'm gonna assume it's all of it, and just make my exeunt.

Okay. Don't hurt me.

Happy Thanksgiving, sir.

This year, I'm more thankful than ever to have you as my Captain.

And I'm thankful for the low price of gasoline.

And I'm thankful for the friendship...

I think there's been a misunderstanding.

There's no time for everyone to have a turn.

But I'm the only one that didn't get to...

Boyle.

Now, with the internet being down, we'll have to do all the paperwork by hand.

Would you two be okay with staying late tonight?

Well, I was gonna slow-cook a goose, but I guess I could normal cook her.

Great.

The bullpen is getting overcrowded, and I don't want the situation to deteriorate.

I'm sorry if this ruins your holiday.

Nonsense.

I'm thankful that you trust us with such an important task.

And I am thankful to have such a dedicated employee.

And I'm thankful...

Dismissed.

Yep.

Hey, Gina.

I need a top secret favor.

Sharon is coming to the precinct and I need your help.

Uh, it better not be pregnancy-related, 'cause that crap is nasty.

The miracle of life?

Dress it up however you want, that's some disgusting animal kingdom nonsense.

Okay, don't worry about Sharon.

I'll take care of her.

I've got everything she needs.

Pillow, blanket, copy of "Breast-Feeders" magazine... which, now that I say it out loud, sounds like p*rn.

Yep, it is.

So what do you need me for?

Keeping Captain Holt away from her.

Terry says he gets very awkward near Sharon.

Hmm. That's one way to put it.

Ah, Sharon. Nice to see you.

You look so big. Like a mighty truck.

I can help you avoid Captain Holt.

I'll keep you appraised of his location at all times.

Gina. Peralta.

He's behind me.

Yeah.

[thudding]

I love paperwork, but this is crazy.

There isn't even time to savor it.

Charles, you're going so fast.

I don't have a choice.

We can't let this place fill up with perps.

Yeah, but you're gonna cramp.

[chuckling] Are you kidding, baby?

I've been cramping for the past 20 minutes.

I'm so attracted to you right now.

[elevator door pings]

Sharon.

[claps] Mrs. Sarge, how are you?

Very pregnant.

Is Terry back yet?

Not yet, but he will be back any minute, and in the meantime, I will take great care of my godchild and my god-wife.

Oh, yes.

Terry did tell me that you might be calling me that.

Aww. You guys talk about me?

Sharon!

Hello.

Oh. Raymond. Hi.

Um, Captain, I need you to sign this here and here.

Excuse me, everyone.

We got to keep this area clear.

If you could all proceed in a wall-like fashion to the briefing room.

Oh, oh, oh...

That's it.

Also, right here.

Human blockade style.

And here, and here, and here.

Uh, give me one second, Gina, I just want to say hi to Sharon.

Just, um...

Sharon is gone.

Gina?

Is also gone.

Well, Sharon is happy, and Captain Holt has no idea where she is.

Damn, we are good at stashing pregnant ladies.

Guys?

My water just broke.

Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one.

Oh, you mean your body water!

That's much worse.

Okay, Terry.

I love you. Just hurry back.

I love you too, baby.

Put Jake on, okay?

Hey there, Sarge.

Everything is totally under control.

As you know, her water broke and she's had a couple of contractions.

And... hey, Sharon, how are you doing vaginally?

What?

Don't ask her that!

Okay.

Jake, all you have to do is keep her comfortable.

I'm on my way.

Okay, sounds good.

And do you want to just meet us at the hospital or...

both: No hospital!

Okay. Got it. Got it.

Cool, cool, cool. No hospital.

I am picking up what you're screaming down.

We had a terrible experience when Cagney and Lacey were born.

Last time we went to the hospital, they pushed me to have a C-section, didn't have enough rooms, and the anesthesiologist was a med student who stabbed me in the spinal cord ten times before he got it right!

See? Needles in your spine?

Childbirth is a horror movie.

That is not helping.

Jake, there's a copy of our birth plan on my desk.

Call the doula.

Copy that.

I will call the doula.

Which is a thing that I definitely know what it is.

A doula is someone who supports you emotionally and physically and coaches you through the process.

Oh, I see.

So sort of like a vaginal Gandalf?

Stop saying that word!

Ooh, that's actually a pretty good analogy.

Well, Sharon liked it, Sarge.

All right, listen, you have nothing to worry about.

I've got it totally under control here.

Love you, bye. Great.

So I'm gonna go get your birth plan and then summon your wizard.

Oh, Sharon, I heard you had gone into labor in our police station.

I hope you don't contract an infection.

Yeah, we all hope that.

Hey, Cap-i-tan, Could I speak with you outside for just one moment?

Don't leave me.

Listen, you've got your plate full today, and this whole Sharon having a baby thing is honestly beneath you.

But I know a lot about childbirth.

My ex-boyfriend, Frederick was an OB/GYN and we would often talk about his work.

Before he started talking about it with...

Dave.

Well, you should probably know that I also have a lot of experience with childbirth.

And, with a final grunt, the mighty rhino expels her calf.

Ugh!

Gross! Come out of an egg next time.

I'm gonna go check in on Sharon.

Make sure she's not pushing prematurely... fatiguing the uterus.

Okay, wait, you can't talk to her!

Terry doesn't want you in there.

You make her uncomfortable.

I make her uncomfortable?

[sighs]

Well, that's ridiculous.

I should go confront her about this at length.

No, wait!

You could, but I think that would probably stress her out and we're trying to keep her calm right now.

So maybe just...

Focus on work?

Of course.

I only want to help.

Whatever's best for Sharon.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

You're fine with that?

Absolutely. I don't take it personally.

I mean, it's about me and my behavior, specifically, nobody else... not Hitchcock or Scully, but yeah, I'm fine.

What a joyous occasion.

So...

Sharon's water just broke.

Are you kidding? Let's go!

Hold up.

This guy knows where our m*rder*r is hiding.

Just give me two minutes alone with him.

I'll let him know what's gonna happen to him if he doesn't cooperate.

[crying] I'm gonna miss the birth of my child!

It's a magical moment!

[crying] Okay, okay!

I'll tell you everything.

Thank you for letting me be part of this wonderful experience.

You're a terrible person, but you're welcome.

There you go.

All right.

Safe and sound.

So I spoke with your doily...

Doula.

So close.

And, unfortunately, she is out of town for Thanksgiving.

What?

I also spoke with your backup doula, who is in town.

Oh, thank God.

But is assisting with another birth.

Ugh!

Should not have paused between those two sentences.

Yeah.

Jake, where's Terry?

I don't know, exactly, but everything is okay.

I have familiarized myself with the soothing section of your birth plan, and I will now speak in a low, calming, Barry White voice.

[imitating Barry White] Oh, yeah.

Just breathe, baby.

You're making me more tense.

Yeah, I get why.

I'm doing a bad, bad job, girl.

How about we put on some relaxing music?

I think that Terry's got some CDs on his desk.

Oh, great. Hey, Gina, can you grab those?

I have made the mistake of looking at the birthing plan and just learned what an episiotomy is.

I'm gonna need 90 minutes.

Okay. I'll grab the CDs.

Be right back.

Oh, hey, sir, thank you again for letting us use your office.

I'm fine.

I'm getting a lot of work done here at Gina's desk.

It's wonderful.

She has all my favorite chewing gums.

Okay, well, I'm just getting some CDs from Terry's desk to help relax Sharon.

I don't know why you're telling me.

I'm not involved.

You made that very clear.

All right.

Do you work here?

I do.

My son was arrested six hours ago, and nobody can tell me when he's getting out.

What is going on?

[crowd arguing]

Uh-huh.

Yup.

Great question.

I will be right with you folks.

[door shutting]

Guys, we have clear some of these people.

I'm trying to keep things calm for Sharon, and this is not helping.

I don't know what to tell you.

I'm already writing dangerously fast.

It's Smudge City here, Jake.

Smudge City!

I mean, the problem is, we only have one fax machine, and it takes four minutes per page.

It's Logjam City, Jake. Logjam City!

Well, Sharon is about to have a baby, all right?

So I need it to be Calm City in here.

Calm City!

Hey, if you need more fax machines, there's a ton of them in that storage room where I go to take a nap.

Both: What?

Why didn't you say something?

And once again, Hitchcock and Scully save the day.

You didn't do anything. It was all Scully.

We're a package deal, everyone knows that.

Why is this train stopped?

I'm freaking out!

Sorry for the delay, but it turns out there's an exciting reason: The train in front of us has a pregnant woman on board, and she's giving birth.

[cheers and applause]]

Oh, don't applaud that!

Hey, this is terrible!

I'm sorry, but my wife is giving birth right now too!

[weak applause]

No, that's not what I want!

It feels real forced.

Move this train!

All right, so I was unable to get the CDs, however, I can sing you a very soothing tune.

Something like...

♪ When I get that feeling ♪
♪ I need sexual healing ♪

[alarm blaring] Oh boy.

What is that?

Is there a fire?

All right, I'm gonna go check this out.

Sharon, you stay here and prepare to jump out the window.

That came out weird.

[fire extinguisher hissing]

Guys, what the hell is going on?

Hitchcock and Scully saved the day.

No, you plugged ten fax machines into one outlet and caused a fire.

But I pointed to the fire extinguisher and was like, "The fire extinguisher's over there."

You pointed at the toaster oven!

You guys, the alarm is freaking out Sharon.

Does anyone know how to turn it off?

There's an override switch switch in my office above the thermostat.

Great. Can you turn it off?

Yes, I'd love to help out.

Perhaps you'd like me to wear a b*mb suit with an opaque visor so Sharon doesn't know that it is I who...

Just forget it. I'll do it!

Oh, good. You didn't jump.

What's going on? Is everything okay?

Yes, I just need to flick this switch and turn off the old alarm-a-roono.

Oh, must've been the wrong switch.

But this one...

[water spraying]

Turns on the sprinklers.

[alarm and sprinklers continue]

And apparently, does not turn them back off. [chuckles]

[crowd murmuring]

Guys. What's going on?

I thought you were gonna clear the room?

They won't listen to us.

They're hungry and pissed and they all hate cops.

Would you guys just fix the paperwork problem?

I'll take care of this.

Excuse me, everyone.

Everyone, I'm gonna need you all to clear the room.

This woman is having vaginal contractions.

It's just "contractions," you don't have to add "vaginal" to it.

Oh, sorry. This woman is having non-vaginal contractions.

Everyone out, please.

[crowd grumbling]

That was better, right?

Get you down...

Thank you. Thank you.

[pained groaning]

All right, Sharon.

Things are about to get very calm in here, all right?

Look at me.

You're gonna be so relaxed, that baby's gonna pop right out onto the floor, you won't even notice.

Don't let my baby touch the floor!

Right, right! Because of the filth.

Where is Terry?

I don't know.

His phone's going straight to voice-mail.

Maybe we should go to the hospital.

[screaming] No hospital!

Yeah, no hospital, baby.

I will be right back.

Sir?

I need your help.

I knew this moment would come, and I will be the bigger man.

I'd be happy to help.

Great.

We need a doctor here immediately.

We have to get your ex-boyfriend.

I will not help you.

Things did not end well between Frederick and me.

Ooh, why not?

Dish, sir, dish.

Gina, no.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but we simply don't have time to hear about the captain's sordid romantic past.

What have you become?

A hero in a time of crisis.

You stay here and take care of Sharon.

Ugh.

What if she's still pregnant when I get in there?

Then you'll deal with it.

Sir, we're going to get Frederick right now.

I'm sure he's over whatever little fight you guys had.

[upbeat music]

Frederick? Happy Thanksgiving.

[door slamming]

Huh.

Six more miles. Run, Terry, run!

Think of your wife in the care of Jake!

Sarge, look!

Aw, hell yeah!

[engine revving]

[motorcycle rumbling]

[intense music]

[wheels screeching]

[yelling]

Terry is terrified!

[groaning]

It's no use, they're all ruined.

No email, now no fax.

What're we gonna do?

I'll tell you what my dad used to tell me: "When the going gets tough, "the pill bug curls into a ball and pretends to be dead."

You think we should pretend to be dead?

You asked for a solution, I gave you one.

[groans]

Hitchcock, Scully, how did you get things done before the internet and faxing?

Cocaine?

Right.

And also the tubes.

There's 27 miles of pneumatic tubes under the city, connecting all the precincts.

Guys.

You really think these still work?

Oh, I think they still...

[yelling]

[air whooshing, yelling]

Okay, I found you a pillow.

Full disclosure, it's Scully's hemorrhoid donut I don't want that near my baby.

Yeah, that's the right call.

Okay, I'm gonna go Howard Hughes my hands.

I am so uncomfortable.

Can we please try one of my positions from my birth plan?

Okay.

Think positive thoughts.

You're in a Channing Tatum movie.

You're in a Channing Tatum movie.

I don't like Channing Tatum.

I'm not talking to you.

[knocking]

Please don't slam the door again.

We have a bit of a medical situation.

Well, I wish I could help, but unfortunately, I have a bit of a wooden duck situation.

Excuse me, what now?

Still on about the duck, Frederick?

Years ago, when we moved in together, an antique duck decoy of his was misplaced.

It wasn't misplaced.

You threw it in the trash.

And with it, our relationship.

Oh, please.

We had other problems.

Or have you forgotten about...

Dave?

Dave and I were coworkers and nothing more.

Nothing more. Right?

Problem solved, everybody's friends.

Let's go help Sharon.

I will be happy to assist you if you will just admit, Raymond, that you threw my decoy in the garbage.

That will never happen because it's not true.

Thank you for nothing.

Good day.

Hi.

Would you mind just standing there with your glorious beard for one moment?

I'll be right back.

What the hell?

Just tell him what he wants to hear.

But it's a lie.

I don't give a crap, sir.

Sharon needs a doctor, so get over yourself.

Tell him you threw away his stupid duck, then give him 20 bucks to buy a new one.

It cost $740.

What?

That is an insane price for a duck!

That's way too much!

All right, now I'm angry about the wrong thing.

Look, just fix this for Sharon.

Frederick, the duck was ugly and gross and I threw it in the garbage.

Wow.

Well, I know what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving: The truth.

[motorcycle rumbling]

[intense music]

[cell phone ringing]

My phone's ringing!

Oh... Oh no! No!

[motorcycle rumbles]

[sighs]

Terry's still not answering his phone.

Why am I the only one who cares about this baby?

[laughing]

Hey, what took so long? Is she okay?

Yeah, I was just telling her the entire duck story, now that it finally has a satisfying ending.

No, everything's fine, but I am a little concerned about Sharon's blood pressure.

And this is a terrible environment.

I wouldn't call it terrible.

We're surrounded by criminals, there's no bed, and you can hear the faint sound of someone screaming through all the vents.

That's Hitchcock.

His arm's stuck in a pneumatic tube.

It's hilarious.

[chuckling]

In my professional opinion, Sharon should go to the hospital.

[door opening]

[heavy breathing]

Hey.

So the doctor thinks we should go to the hospital.

Both: No hospital!

Yup, I thought you might say that.

Look, I can't get a hold of Terry.

Ugh, that one was rough.

Oh, maybe I should listen to the doctor.

What do you think?

Sharon, it doesn't matter what I think.

You and the sarge have a plan.

Yeah, but the plan changed, like, five horrible things ago.

I'm in a lot of pain.

I mean, I know we said no hospital, but...

I don't want to risk anything by making a stupid mistake.

Look, you're my god-husband.

We both know that's a fake position.

Not anymore.

What would you do?

[sighs]

[door opening]

Where is she?

Where's Sharon?

Room 41B.

Look, I'm sorry. I know you said...

Don't go to the hospital!

I tried calling you, you didn't pick up.

So you decided to do the exact opposite of the one thing I told you?

I thought it was the right thing to do, Terry.

Look, she's in there with Captain Holt's ex-boyfriend right now, but don't worry, I made him promise to stop bringing up the duck.

What the hell are you talking about?

I...

You know what?

I'll deal with you later.

Seems like you already dealt with me.

I got the gist, we're good.

Peralta, can I confess something to you?

I didn't throw Frederick's duck in the garbage.

Yes, I know, sir.

I didn't throw the duck in the garbage.

I threw it off a bridge.

[funky music]

Why would you do that?

Well, Frederick and I were having problems.

He knew I disliked the duck because of its weak beak, but he insisted on displaying it anyway.

I acted out in a petty manner.

Just as I did today.

I'm sorry that I wasn't more helpful.

It's fine, I understand.

You might find this hard to believe, but I can be a little childish sometimes, myself.

Yes.

You have gum in your hair right now.

Noted.

Hey!

Hey! You guys came.

What about all the paperwork?

We got it all in.

Filed 900 forms by hand in under 12 hours.

It was tough, but worth it.

We wouldn't have missed this.

Also, we had to go to the ER anyway.

Hitchcock's arm was m*nled by the tube.

I'm in unspeakable pain.

Oh.

Ugh, this is agonizing.

It's been over an hour.

This has to be a record for longest childbirth.

It's a girl!

[cheers and applause]

Her name is Ava Jeffords.

She's 14 pounds, six ounces.

Whoa.

Oh yeah, Terry Jeffords makes big babies.

Guys, I just want to say thanks to all of you.

Charles and Amy filling out forms.

Rosa, I'm so thankful you got me here on that bike.

I'm thankful I could help.

I'm thankful that I'm...

Boyle, this is clearly a moment between him and Diaz.

Captain Holt, you brought me the doctor that brought my girl into the world.

And Gina, I know you got past your fears and helped Sharon out.

I'm so happy for you and I never want to see your daughter or remember this day.

And Hitchcock and Scully, I assume you're here for some unrelated injury.

That's correct.

Jake.

Can I see you for a minute?

Oh. Yeah.

It's a girl.

Ouch! Worth it.

Sharon and I wanted you to be the first person to meet Ava.

Oh, wow.

She's beautiful.

I'm sorry I got angry earlier.

You did a great job today.

Hospital was the right decision.

I'm so glad you're Ava's godfather.

I'm so glad you're Sharon's god-husband.

I'm so glad you're my god-wife.

I have no idea what I'm saying at this point.

Thank you, Jake.

You want to hold her?

Oh, um...

Yeah, sure, that'd be great.

The baby, Jake!

Yeah! Right, right, the normal thing.