03x09 - The Swedes

[bunniefuu]

My fellow detectives, ours is not an easy job.

The hours are long.

The danger is constant.

The pay is LOL.

But today, a glimmer of hope.

For today... a new vending machine.

[applause]

Behold him in all of his glory.

So full of strength and promise, and most importantly, sodium, gluten, and fat.

Whoo!

The time has finally come to christen the machine.

Boyle, the champagne?

Oh, well, technically it's a Hungarian Pezsgo from the Tarnok Valley.

For once in your life, don't ruin it.

Give him the bottle.

Thank you.

I hereby christen thee Snacky Chan!

[electricity crackling]

Whoa!

Okay, well, at least it was just the keypad.

None of the snacks got messed up.

Whoa!

Go!

Oh, right!

Okay, okay.

[fire alarm beeping]

No!

It should've been me. It should've been me!

♪ ♪

[foghorn blaring]

Our perp's name is Karl Ove.

My CI said he's selling counterfeit caviar out of a blue stall.

This place smells like a squid farted inside a whale's butt.

[sniffs]

Yes, that is the exact combo of smells.

Nicely done.

Hey, next week is my six-month anniversary with Amy.

Should I do something special?

You know what I like about our relationship, Jake?

We don't talk about our love lives, or our families, or anything that's on our minds.

It's why you're my closest friend in the world.

Yeah, I know, but I need help on this.

I asked Boyle and he was useless.

Put a baby in her, Jake.

What are you waiting for?

So do that then. Problem solved.

Look, it's our guy.

Excuse me, sir, we're with the NYPD.

I just need to ask you a couple of...

Oh, shrimp!

I hate that!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[grunts]

You're under arrest, punk.

Nobody gets away from Jake Per... ew!

Something yucky touched me!

Ugh, gross, gross, gross!

Hang on. What's that?

What have we here?

[speaking Swedish]

What?

[speaking Swedish]

I have no idea what you're saying.

[speaking Swedish]

Just as I suspected immediately.

It's a flawless 39-carat diamond that was stolen six weeks ago from the Royal Stockholm Museum.

I've just received word from Interpol that two detectives are on their way from Sweden to pick up the suspect.

Please make them feel welcome.

Welcome?

We're gonna roll out the fricking red carpet.

Working a jewel heist with Interpol?

This is the best thing that's ever happened to me!

Second best.

Aww.

[whispers] First best.

I was lying to Amy.

[sighing loudly]

Do you guys know anyone who wants some used textbooks?

I'd love them.

It's never too late to teach yourself something new...

So no one.

Great.

Why are you throwing those out?

Because I'm never gonna pass this astronomy final, so I won't graduate, so my life is ruined.

Or we could help you study.

I did graduate magna cum laude from Syracuse.

I know that sounds like a brag.

And it was!

Terry k*lled it in college.

Plus, I know a thing or two about astronomy.

I had 11 straight birthdays at the planetarium.

That was also a brag.

My God, you guys are such pathetic nerds.

But maybe that's what I need right now, pathetic nerds.

Okay.

You pathetic nerds can help me.

Thank you?

You are so welcome.

Peralta, Diaz.

This is Inspector Knausgaard and Deputy Inspector Carlsson.

Their flight here was eight hours.

It's been a pleasure talking with you about the duration of your flight.

Good day.

Well, there goes my opening question about how long your flight was.

It was eight hours.

Yeah, no, I got that.

I was joking, sorry.

It must have got lost in translation.

No, we understand you perfectly.

Everyone in Sweden speaks English.

We also speak Norwegian, Dutch, German, French, Russian, and Finnish.

But not Danish.

That is a garbage language for garbage people.

Yeah.

Oh, word up.

Well, I have almost memorized "Gangnam Style" phonetically, so samesies.

I don't know this word. "Samesies"?

From context, I believe it means "proudly uneducated."

Ah.

So...

No.

Where's our prisoner?

Being processed.

But, in the meantime, may I offer you some of the finest cuisine in Brooklyn from my favorite restaurant?

The food cart outside the precinct.

It's really good.

Hm, none for Soren.

He's allergic to lactose, gluten, and tomato ketchup.

Oh.

Also, none for Agneta.

She and her husband are trying to have another baby, so she can't eat anything that will alter her cervical pH.

Oh.

You guys are real close, huh?

In Sweden, we believe for a proper team to function, partners must be completely open with each other.

Yeah. We have no secrets.

Not even our bodies.

We sauna together all the time.

Yeah, well, we are also very close.

One time, Rosa saw me in my bathing suit.

No, I didn't, you told me to turn around.

Yeah.

Well, uh, since we cannot eat your disgusting street food, could you please check if our prisoner has been processed?

Yeah, we don't mean to offend, it's just this place is filthy and you both seem unprofessional.

Unprofessional?

Well, we were going to take you to our favorite laser tag place, but now, you're officially uninvited.

Rosa.

Ah, Boyle. Just the man we were looking for.

Kevin has accepted a fellowship to teach at the Sorbonne for the next six months.

Oh, I love Paris.

At least how it's represented in the movie "Ratatouille."

Uh...

The rodent chef.

Ah, yes. Farfetched.

Anyway, Kevin and I belong to the Park Slope Racquet Club, where we've established a squash doubles dynasty.

We've taken home the trophy two years in a row.

Unfortunately, I'll be flying to Paris this year during the tournament.

It's a seven-hour flight.

[whistles]

I remember you told me you played in college.

Three-time intramural champion at Sarah Lawrence.

Would have been four, but senior year I played Greaseball in our school's production of "Starlight Express."

Interesting casting.

In any case, I would be honored if you would take my place so that Raymond could make it a treble.

Absolutely! I would love to do that!

Great.

Formidable.

Yup!

That is great. This is great.

This is terrible.

Why?

You always said you wanted more face time with Holt.

No, not like this.

Squash brings out my competitive side.

Breaking racquets, cursing, excessive mooning.

One time, just to psych a guy out, I locked eyes with him and ate a squash ball.

That's not possible.

It's still in me, Terry.

Look, the point is to have fun.

So just relax and have fun.

Right, right, right, yeah.

It's just a game.

It's fun.

There's no need for Holt to see me unleash the beast.

[laughs] Okay.

That's a strange little man.

Probably telling Captain Holt how much they like to sauna together.

Please.

They think they're so great just 'cause they know each other's allergies.

You know what I'm allergic to?

Yup. Them.

Totally.

And also bees. You should know that.

If I got stung by a bee, I could die.

Detectives, I've been talking with the inspectors.

There's been a development in the Kottbullediamant case.

Excellent pronunciation, Captain.

Tack. They believe our perp may have smuggled more stolen Swedish diamonds into Brooklyn.

Oh, well, thank you for the tip.

Have a wonderful flight home.

We will send you the jewels as soon as we find them.

They're staying and working the case with you.

Ah, fantastic.

Rosa, could you please fill my car with a million bees?

Okay, since the Swedes are rudely late, let's talk anniversary gift.

Should I get Amy something caszh like sh*t glasses, or something less caszh, like golden sh*t glasses?

Still don't care. How about I get a jump on our new partners and search the perp's apartment?

Right. We'll get some clues, solve the case, make them look like fools.

They can eat our American dust.

No, no.

Soren is probably allergic to dust.

Oh, hello!

Yes, I am allergic to dust.

Everyone is.

That's what sneezes are.

You're what sneezes are.

Okay. [clears throat]

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, in Sweden, we call it police work.

Perhaps you don't have a word for it?

[whispers] I hate you.

This is our case.

You can't work it without us.

Get your weird, hairless fingers off of it.

Soren shaves his fingers for cycling.

It cuts down on drag.

Agneta is my biggest fanatic.

Just as I am a fanatic of her slam poetry.

Would you like to hear some?

Would I like to?

I would hate to!

Your loss.

Well, we've already searched the entire apartment.

Yeah, well, now we're gonna search it, and find things you all missed, like this!

Your own keys?

Damn straight.

Bag 'em, Diaz.

[keys thud]

Astronomy is full of interesting facts.

For instance, here's one that Hollywood doesn't want you to know.

A parsec is actually a measure of distance.

One of the many inaccuracies in the "Star Wars" universe.

Uh-huh. And what's "Star Wars"?

Oh, boy.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

Okay, let's talk planets.

Jupiter is a gas giant.

So is Hitchcock.

How does this help me?

It also has 67 moons.

I came up with a fun mnemonic device to remember them all.

It goes, "Every Individual Gets Crayons "After Telling His Aggressive Little Mongoose Painter Called Ernest Some Lies About Tiny Panda Heads... period... Maybe One Kid Could Take Her Elephant Into California, Except..."

Where's Gina?

She told me you called me a gas giant.

Well, now you and I will never hook up.

Uh-oh. What's this?

A little piece of evidence that evaded your bald little hands.

A shipping manifest that was shoved into the back of a drawer.

Our perp transferred a container to a shipyard in Bay Ridge on October 11th.

That arrived over a month ago, I doubt you'll find anything in it.

Please, you're just pissed we cracked the case wide open and you've got nada.

That's right, I speak Spanish.

Actually, we've got much more than nada.

Damn it, he speaks Spanish too.

Agneta found an invitation to a party tonight at the home of...

Alvar Gustavsson.

The hot blond guy from "True Blood"?

No, the Swedish millionaire with ties to organized crime.

Alvar Gustavsson.

Yeah.

Oh, that... Alvar Gooz-hev-vren.

Well, you're welcome to pursue that dead-end lead while we got to the shipping container and find the jewels.

And maybe to celebrate, Rosa will wear them to your dumbass party.

No, they're priceless, please do not do that.

Yeah, obviously we wouldn't.

We were just being jerks.

See you later, jerks.

Okay.

Bye, Jake. Bye, Rosie.

Whoo! You ready, Boyle?

Psyched up?

No, why?

Do I seem psyched?

'Cause I'm definitely not.

I just want to have fun.

And to win.

Hey, if we all have fun and don't throw any racquets and don't eat squash balls, then we're all winners.

What?

Nothing. I'll serve.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Out.

What?

Are you out of your mind?

That was... fun.

That was a fun call.

You're a real fun guy, fun guy.

This is fun! This is fun!

Gina!

I know astronomy can seem a little daunting and scientific, but I have a friend who I think can make it pretty interesting.

Who dis?

Hi, Gina, I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson.

And I care, why?

Director of the Hayden Planetarium.

One of the world's leading astrophysicists.

And he's doing me a huge favor.

And how do you know Terrance, Space Tie?

We're gym buddies.

[grunting]

Damn, Neil deGrasse Tyson!

How are you doing that?

It's physics, Terry.

It's physics.

Gina, look.

Give me two hours.

You'll not only pass your exam, you'll gain a deeper appreciation of the universe through which we journey on this spaceship Earth.

Spaceship Earth? Way to go.

You just made Earth lame, and that is my house.

Gina, why did you want to take astronomy?

Because I thought it would be cool, just me, sitting around naming moons left and right, like "Zorp," "Bong," "Dingo."

"Etcetera," that would be one of the names.

"Etcetera."

She's gonna fail, isn't she?

Big time.

Yeah.

According to the shipping company, the container that came in on October 11th is 34G1.

Cool.

Hey, what did you and Marcus do for your six-month anniversary?

Keeping in mind, that he's dreamy and romantic and I only own $50.

Marcus and I broke up.

What? When?

A month ago.

A month ago?

How do I not know about this?

Because we don't talk about that crap.

We're not lame like the Swedes.

Right.

Yeah, totally.

If Agneta broke up with her husband, she'd probably be all, "Oh, Soren, I am so heartbroken," and he'd be like, "What can I do to help? I'm sorry," and give her a big old hug and she'd be all feeling better like an idiot.

We don't need to do that because what we do together is solve crimes.

You know it.

For example...

34G1.

Boom.

We are about to uncover a butt-load of diamonds.

Exactly.

It's fish! It's fish, Rosa!

Ugh.

[indistinct chatter]

Swedes.

Oh, hello, Jake.

You missed quite a party.

The blond man from "True Blood" was there.

Very cool guy.

So cool.

Yeah, that's cool. Hey, this is weird because I hate you guys, but can I ask you a question?

If you broke up with your husband, would you tell Soren about it?

Are you making a funny laugh joke right now?

I would insist he be there for it so that my husband would have a shoulder to cry on.

Yeah, several years ago, Agneta and Lars were having trouble conceiving.

She didn't even have to ask me to donate my sperm.

I had it already in a "Tooperware," ready to go.

Wow, that's... so gross, yeah.

Can we ask you a question?

Mm-hm.

Why do you smell like fish?

Is it hygiene?

No, we spent the night cutting open hundreds of dogfish to see if they had diamonds inside.

Did they?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Yeah. It would be pertinent to the case.

They didn't.

Although, one did have a battery in it.

What kind of a sicko feeds a battery to a fish?

Well, while you were wasting your time, we set up a meeting on 14 November with the man we think is the buyer.

Um...

No, don't worry, Soren.

I rescheduled your cycling practice for 16 November, and your dentist for 19 November.

You know me so well.

[giggles]

Ugh. Those guys suck.

They're so into each other, they're probably gonna start holding hands.

Oh, they're actually holding hands.

Yeah, they are awful, for sure.

All tall and beautiful, and you don't want to know what they've got in their "Tooperware."

But honestly, I don't know that it's that bad that they're close.

Wrong, it's the worst.

Okay.

Oh, my God, I just figured out where the diamonds are.

We thought the shipping container came in on October 11th, 10/11, but dumb Europeans write their dates backwards.

We should've been going through the one from 10 November.

Of course!

Stupid rest of the world, writing their date all dumb.

Yeah. Let's go.

Okay.

Boyle.

Is everything okay, you know, with your brain?

Yeah. I'm great.

I'm having a lot of fun.

Yes, I've heard you say that 162 times.

You do realize, that if we lose this next match, we're out of the tournament?

Yes, but the important thing is we had a good time.

No! The important thing is that we win the trophy.

Because I promised Kevin before he left for Paris that we would do that.

Do you know why I chose you as my partner?

Because I'm the most athletic person you know?

No, because of an article I read in the "Sarah Lawrence Phoenix" about a young man they called "squash's unhinged lunatic."

I don't know what you're talking about.

According to that article, that lunatic was 27-0.

I need him on my team.

I need you to unleash the beast.

["Wild Side" by Motley Crue]

♪ Take a ride on the wild side ♪

Whoo!

You butternuts ready to get squashed?

"Huh? What? Duh?"

That's you guys while I smoke your butts, because Ray-Ray and the Beast don't even give a what.

We don't give a what.

Unh-uh. Whoo!

Let's do this.

♪ ♪

Boo-ya-kah, suckers!

[both grunting]

♪ Wild side ♪

Yeah!

Ohh!

What?

You kidding me? Are you kidding me?

[grunts]

Yes!

Whoo! [slaps]

Ow!

Way to go! That's it, baby!

Gina, great news.

Oh, no. Is Neil deGrasse Tyson here?

He will not stop trying to friend me.

No, but we think we figured out how you're gonna pass your test.

Yeah, we realized that we were trying to get you to learn using our methods.

We should've been speaking your language.

[dance music plays]

The language of...

both: Dance!

13.8 billion years ago, there was nothing.

And then the big bang!

Yes!

Now, Amy, back up till you feel the wall.

And, Terry, ditch the shirt.

I'm ready to learn.

♪ ♪

[both panting]

And that's how you calculate parallax distance.

So you ready for the test?

Oh, I took it this morning.

I passed.

What?

It was nice how much you guys cared, so I actually opened up my textbook for the first time.

Ya'll, astronomy is kind of interesting.

And I am hella smart.

Then why'd you make us do that whole dance?

Two reasons: Uno and dos.

I get that.

One-two, one-two, one-two, one-two.

Ha-ha!

I guess we are the better team.

Why do people like these things?

They're just shiny rocks.

Yeah, totally.

You should be happier.

We found the jewels, we won.

Yeah, you're right.

We should celebrate.

Why don't we go to a bar and drink in silence?

Cool. Sounds good.

No, I was being a bitch.

How did you not pick up on that?

What is your problem, man?

Is this about your stupid anniversary present?

Yeah, that, and you not telling me about Marcus.

We're supposed to be friends.

You sound like Soren or Agneta, whichever the boy one is.

Well, say what you want about them, but at least they communicate, you know?

I've never even heard your slam poetry, Rosa.

Why do you all of a sudden care about every single little detail of my life?

Because all we talk about is cop stuff.

All right, and that was fine when we were 20 because that's all I cared about.

But we're adults now and there are other things, like me and Amy and you and Marcus, that friends are supposed to talk about.

Well, I guess we're not friends then.

[scoffs] Wow.

All right, I guess we're not.

[truck rumbling]

Oh, uh-oh.

We're moving.

Oh, really?

Thank you for sharing that intimate detail about your life.

Jake.

I know, we're screwed.

I was being a bitch again!

All right, I called for backup.

I also texted all of my friends.

You'll notice your phone didn't buzz.

I think we're in Red Hook.

We're not on the BQE anymore.

Nice try, Rosa.

Don't try to kiss up to me by mentioning my third-favorite New York expressway.

Shut up!

We pulled into a parking lot.

Things are about to go down.

Backup won't make it here in time.

It's just me and you.

I heard two voices in the truck.

There'll be more if there's a meet-up.

Go word is "Glurg."

Copy that.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Flergen!

Come on, is that you?

I haven't seen you since Blorgenbergen, man!

Who the hell are you?

Give me a hand, you old dummy.

It's me, Glurg.

NYPD! Drop it!

Drop it, you're under arrest.

I hope they have saunas in Swedish prison.

They do, actually.

They're quite nice.

Oh.

Kevin, there's something we'd like to show you.

Ta-da!

Ah, magnifique. The treble is ours.

I look forward to getting number four next year.

Actually, we've been banned for life from all future tournaments.

Oh, no. What happened?

My fault, Kevin.

I snapped the second-place trophy over my knee and threw it in a urinal.

Oh, my.

Yeah.

But the important thing is, we had fun.

Yeah.

So we'll be taking the jewels back to Sweden tomorrow.

Yeah. Guess you were wrong about us, huh?

Bet you feel pretty stupid.

Actually, when you're wrong, that means you've learned something.

And any opportunity for learning is good.

Ugh. You are the absolute worst.

I hope you die in a fjord.

No, no, we are trying to say we are happy to have worked with you.

Yeah, I know.

That is an infuriating attitude.

Yeah, I second the fjord thing.

[speaking Swedish]

Bye, Jake. Bye, Rosie.

It's just how they walk around, I guess.

Get your hands off each other, weirdos.

God.

Well... [sighs]

Nice job today.

I guess we didn't have to know each other to have each other's backs.

So drink in silence?

This sucks.

We solved the case and told the Swedes how to die.

I should be happy, but I can tell you're bummed, and that's not cool 'cause we are friends.

Really?

Yes.

And I thought of what you should do with Amy for your anniversary.

Oh, thank God.

I got her a boogie board.

It has an iguana playing electric guitar on it.

She's gonna hate it.

New York Public Library lets VIPs stay there overnight.

Ooh, that's perfect.

But wait, how do I become a library VIP?

I forgot to return "Superfudge" in the fourth grade, and I've been scared to go back ever since.

Don't worry about it. I can hook you up.

My new boyfriend works there.

[gasps] You shared!

What's his name? No, wait.

I don't want to push too hard.

No, it's cool.

I want to tell you his name.

Oh, okay, just gonna take a quick drink break.

Here comes the name.

Nope. Uno mas.

All righty.

Good Lord.

Putting them away.

I have to imagine these belong to someone else.

It's fine.

Yeah.

It's Tom.

[gasps] I love it!