03x10 - Yippie Kayak

[bunniefuu]

Come here! Come here! Come here!

You got to see this.

I'm about to give Captain Holt his gift.

Oh, did he lift his "no gift" policy?

No, he didn't.

But I figured out a way to buy him something and trick him into accepting it.

You are bad.

I know, right?

Oh, wait. You're making fun of me.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I don't care.

He would never open a gift, right?

But what if his gift didn't look like a gift?

He would open it?

Exactly!

I left it in a cardboard box on his desk.

There's no card, just the words "Open now," which I wrote with my wrong hand so he wouldn't recognize my handwriting.

Captain.

Santiago. Peralta.

Sir.

So just to recap, you left an unmarked package on a police captain's desk on a random Monday, with a suspicious message written on it that looked like it was scrawled by a crazy person.

Mm-hmm.

b*mb! There's a b*mb!

Everyone out! Let's go, let's go!

[alarm blares]

This is not a drill!

Let's go!

Great gift, babe.

♪ ♪

Ho, ho, ho, Jake.

Special delivery from Santa's elf.

Merry Christmas.

Ah.

[gasps]

Heart att*ck soda.

Holy crap! I love this stuff!

You know, technically, it's just carbonated fudge.

I know.

I thought they banned it.

Not in Syria.

They use it to induce labor in goats.

And your real present arrives tomorrow.

There's more? Charles, this is too much.

Nonsense!

It was just a lot of time and a lot of money.

Oh.

Gina! I screwed up.

I forgot to get Charles anything.

Oh, well, I always knew he would die of sadness.

I'm such a selfish jerk.

I was just so focused on Amy's gift that I completely spaced.

His present to me was so personal.

All right, think. What does Charles love?

Gross food, tan pants, "MasterChef Junior."

Ooh, I could call up one of those kids and offer them a free trip to New York.

I wouldn't do that.

Right, 'cause I'm a stranger, and I shouldn't be luring them out of state.

Good call.

Jake, just go to Goodwin's.

They're open late, and they have everything.

Right. Smart. Please come with me.

Please, I need help picking something out.

Please, Gina?

I'll take a pic of Terry in the locker room for you.

No towel, with his foot up on the bench.

Towel on, still wet from the shower.

I'm in.

Hey, guys. What's up?

Both: Nothing.

Diaz, are we still on for the Polar Bear Swim tonight?

It's either that or go caroling with my family, so, yeah.

I'd rather walk into the freezing ocean.

Wait, what?

You guys are doing the polar swim?

Why didn't you ask me?

Oh, we didn't think you'd be interested.

Yeah, you're always cold.

You brought a blanket to a Mets game in mid-July.

[scoffs] This one thinks July 18th is mid-July.

You guys think I'm some kind of wimp, but I'm not.

I am tough, and I'm strong, and I love to splash around in chilly water.

It's not chilly, it's as cold as the waters of Cocytus, the frozen lake of hell.

I'll see you there.

I can't wait to dunk my junk.

[groans]

Okay, g*ng. I'm out.

I'll be back on the 27th.

I've got two days of family time.

Do not attempt to contact me.

I do not want a repeat of last year when Scully called me 50 times on Christmas morning.

No. I called you once.

My butt called the other 49.

Yeah, well, my brother-in-law Zeke was real judgy about how much my phone was buzzing.

[phone vibrates and rings]

Somebody's got a lot of business to tend to.

Who are you? Barbara Corcoran?

He didn't even make me one of the good sharks.

I'm clearly Lori.

Nobody call me.

Gina!

It's our first annual Boyle-Linetti Christmas.

Are you excited about going to town on Daddy's nog?

Christmas is cancelled. Charles ruined it.

I'm gonna be a little late.

I got to help Jake do some shopping.

Oh, last-minute gifts.

Ooh, who didn't make the cut?

Tell me, Jake, who's the poor sack at the bottom of your list?

Actually, Amy.

Amy? Oof! That's bad.

Mm-hmm.

Just give her whatever you got me.

Really?

But then I wouldn't have a gift for you.

Would you be cool with that?

No, that would eviscerate me.

I'll get my coat.

I'm gonna help you find something for her.

Oh, that's not necessary.

Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, Jake.

Also not necessary to touch my face.

It's Christmas. A time for friendship.

Damn it. All right.

I guess you'll just have to distract him when we get to the store.

On it.

I'll take him to housewares and I'll ask him the difference between a skillet and a frying pan.

That'll buy you six hours.

Perfect.

Gina, you just saved Christmas.

It's what I do.

Every damn year.

Good night.

Good night.

Wait! No, no, no, no, no! Don't lock the door!

I just need to buy one thing. I'll be so fast, I won't even pay!

How did that not work?

Hey, there's still people in there.

They're not closed.

First time at a retail store, Oliver Twist?

They lock the doors, but if you're still inside, you get an extra 15 minutes to finish up.

Oh, perfect, so we should just try and sneak in an entrance through the back.

Boyle, you'll have to stay here.

It's too dangerous.

No way I let you take that risk alone.

Damn it, you are loyal.

Shall we?

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Ohh!

♪ ♪

Whereas, with the skillet, the approach to fish skin is completely different.

Uh-huh.

And your spatula technique is completely intuitive.

Please, tell me more.

Okay. I got it.

They're closing. Let's go.

Oh, let's take a peep at that purchase.

Cologne?

Uh, it's perfume.

For a lady. Woman.

It's called "Canyon Stank."

It's got a man riding a burro on it.

Oh, does it? I didn't notice. I just like the way it smelled.

I wear this cologne, Jake. I'm a Stank man.

Um, I don't know, maybe just subconsciously I wanted Amy to smell more like you.

Okay, little creepy, bud. Coming on real strong.

Wow, the tables have really turned.

[glass shatters]

Shut up! Keep walking!

sh**t! The store is being robbed!

Come here.

♪ ♪

All right, just slowly back up. There's a door behind us.

We just have to get outside and call the Nine-Nine.

Go.

Just head for the vault. We're good.

♪ ♪

Lock 'em up!

They're sealing the exits.

Oh, my God.

It's real life "Die Hard."

I mean, "Oh, no! Crime."

[suspenseful music]

They've taken all the security guards.

I left my g*n in my locker. Are you carrying?

No, mine's at work.

Boyle Christmas charades can get pretty competitive and it's best not to have firearms around.

We don't need g*ns. I have a lighter, okay?

We get some hairspray, make some flamethrowers.

Let's fry these b*tches.

No one is frying any b*tches.

Charles, did you call this into dispatch?

Yes, but I can't get in touch with anyone from the Nine-Nine.

Right... Amy, Rosa, and Holt are having the time of their lives splashing around in the freezing, filthy ocean.

I'll try Terry.

Thank you for this amazing year.

Thank you for the food in front of us.

[phone vibrates and rings]

And my family, which is my number one priority.

Much more than... phones.

Just take the call, Barbara Corcoran.

This better be an emergency.

There better be a g*n to your head.

Charles, Gina, and I are in a hostage situation.

Oh, God, I shouldn't have said the g*n thing.

Terry regrets the way he answered the phone.

We're at Goodwin's. There are multiple gunmen.

They've blocked all the exits, they've taken the security guards hostage, and we're looking for a place to hide.

It's awesome.

Awesome?

Awesomely serious.

I am not enjoying this, no matter how much it is 100% my favorite movie come to life.

The important thing is keep Gina safe.

You have a civilian with you. I'm on the way.

Cool. Oh! Also bring a pic of yourself in a towel coming out of the shower.

Can't explain why, okay? Gotta go, bye.

There's a serious situation going down they need my help with.

Did one of your detectives lose his head up his own butt?

You don't even have a job, Zeke!

You know what, I'm not supposed to be bringing this up, but I'm bringing it up!

I'm sick of hearing you got things brewing.

You ask me, the only thing you got brewing is a pot of BS!

Kids, I love you. Sharon, you are perfect.

Zeke, get a job!

♪ ♪

[men shouting indistinctly]

♪ ♪

Okay, we should be safe in here.

This place looks good.

Good? It's great!

Santa's chair.

All right, ESU's on their way.

Our top priority is keeping Gina safe.

Keeping me safe?

I'm gonna help you take these guys down.

[mimics hairspray can hissing]

No, you're not doing anything like that.

You're not a cop.

I've watched what you do for six years.

It's not that difficult.

"NYPD! You're under arrest!"

[blows raspberry]

That was clearly an impression of Charles.

But stay here with him while I do some recon.

Wait, shouldn't we all stick together?

Someone has to asses the situation, Boyle.

Plus, we're trapped, on Christmas, with a bunch of bad guys who are very likely German.

This is my John McClane moment.

Okay. You're gonna need a t*nk top.

You can have mine.

No need.

I snagged this on the way here.

"Baby Grrl"?

Yeah, they didn't have the best selection.

I'll probably just skip the t*nk.

Yeah.

I will return.

Okay. Gina.

You all right? You look pretty cold.

I'm not. I'm actually hot.

[air horn blows]

Hot, and ready to get this super fun thing over with.

First, a toast.

Great. Let's drag this out.

To the sea.

To the sea! Hear, hear!

I wasn't done.

Chill, Amy, let him finish his ocean toast.

Thank you, Rosa.

I'm reminded of a beloved Christmas Carol by English poet Christina Rossetti.

"In the bleak mid-winter, frosty wind made moan, Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone."

Moan, stone, phone. We get it.

Down the hatch. Let's get this over with.

Gah!

Weeeeeeeee!

Noooo!

Oh, my God!

[sirens wailing]

Excuse me, Sergeant Jeffords with the Nine-Nine.

I've got two detectives and a civilian in there.

Who's in charge?

I am, ding-dong.

The Vulture?

That's right. It's me.

In the flesh.

Happy Kwanzaa.

Oh, man. You can't say that.

♪ ♪

All right, let's see what we're dealing with.

I'll call you... Klaus.

♪ ♪

[glass shatters]

You will be Guenter.

With the little dots over the U.

♪ ♪

Jurgen.

Hey, Matt. Are you in position?

I'm here.

Oh, great, the bad guy's name is Matt.

Hey, sorry that took so long.

Gina, you doing okay? You scared?

I'm scared you won't let me make a flamethrower and use it to throw flame.

You're right. I will not do that.

You're gonna stay here and keep hiding.

Boyle and I are gonna handle this.

Here's the situation. 12 t*rrorists, 1 cop.

Just the way he likes it.

Who's he?

Me!

Why are you calling yourself "He"?

Because that's the tagline from the "Die Hard" poster, and also my high school yearbook quote.

Oh, I knew I recognized it. Next time, lead with that.

Right. Sorry. Also, there aren't 12 of them.

There are seven, and they're not t*rrorists, they're robbers.

They brought drilling equipment to break into the safe.

Okay, so it's really seven robbers, two cops, and one Gina.

Yes. Exactly.

Yeah.

Where's Gina?

Gina?

There she is. She went for the hairspray.

She is incorrigible.

Who are you? Come here.

No!

No, no, no, no. Jake, they're taking Gina.

Yeah, I know. We're looking at the same thing.

What? They got Gina?

I told you to watch her!

I know.

I am so sorry, but I promise you, we will get her back.

Oh, this is bad.

I got to report this to the Vulture.

He's in charge.

Ugh! The Vulture?

I thought he was on his massage tour of Southeast Asia.

He's leaving tomorrow.

That's why he wants this over quickly.

He wants to storm the building.

No!

No, no, no. That is a bad idea.

Look, we still haven't figured out where they're holding Gina and the rest of the hostages.

If you guys come busting in here, things could go sideways real fast.

That's what I told him, but then he just repeated it back to me in a lady's voice.

Listen to me, Sarge.

Boyle and I can take these guys out one by one and no one will get hurt.

Just ask the Vulture to give me some more time.

He'll be reasonable.

What am I talking about? It's the Vulture.

Tell him Tila Tequila's doing a free show in Central Park.

Then how come Tila just posted a selfie from the Kid Rock show in Daytona, bro?

Yeah, I follow her. You know what?

I know what's going on here.

Jake wants to go solo, and he's trying to steal my thunder.

He's inside and he has eyes on the situation.

Look, I'm in command here. Look around you.

I control all of this.

You see that guy behind you? That sn*per?

He'll sh**t whoever I tell him to.

Even you.

No, I won't.

Fine.

Then, uh, he'll sit on any rooftop I tell him to.

Hey, go sit on that rooftop, guy.

Look, just give Jake a chance.

If he fails, then you can storm the building.

I'll give him a chance to sit on his little white butt and wait for me to come rescue him.

You tell him that I'm Liam Neeson and he's my hot, dumb daughter.

All right, we're outnumbered and unarmed.

If we're gonna get Gina back, we need weapons.

This place sells hammers, wrenches...

Do they sell plants?

Because some of that potting soil is very toxic if ingested in large quantities.

So you want to feed the bad guys a lot of soil?

Force-feed 'em.

Okay, that's a good option that I will definitely consider.

Now, let's go out there and gear our asses up.

Both: Quietly.

["Slam" by Onyx]

♪ Slam, da duh duh, da duh duh ♪
♪ Make noise, b-boys ♪
♪ I'm the nitty, nasty, gritty smashing ♪

♪ Never slow gassing ♪
♪ Fool ♪
♪ Strictly swift blast of the raspy-rasp fashion ♪
♪ Hit between the eyes, I plan to vandalize ♪
♪ I supply the static, I run with the bad guys ♪
♪ The villains, crooks, highlighters and the fighters ♪
♪ See the big black picture if you look inside of ♪
♪ ♪

Ho ho ho?

♪ Slam, da duh duh ♪

[grunting]

♪ Da duh duh, Let the boys be boys ♪
♪ Slam, da duh duh ♪
♪ Da duh duh, Make noise, b-boys ♪

♪ Slam, da duh duh ♪

[grunts]

♪ Da duh duh, Let the boys be boys ♪
♪ Slam, da duh duh, da duh duh ♪

Hey, Matt.

Oof!

That'll teach you to have a dumb, normal name.

All right, where are you holding the hostages?

Oh, bet you'd like to know, eh?

Canadian? No!

You're so clearly supposed to be German.

Are any of you German?

Both: Mm-mm.

Russian?

Both: Mm-mm.

North Korean?

Mm-mm.

Greek?

[mumbles]

I don't trust the way the Greeks dance.

No one does.

You there?

Oh.

Uh, yeah, I was oot, but now I'm back, eh?

Meet me in the service corridor.

We've got a situation with the hostages.

Okey dokey, sorry to hear aboot that.

Service corridor.

That was great, Jake.

Thanks.

Peralta just texted. He knows where the hostages are.

He wants 15 more minutes.

And I want my lesbian neighbors to be way hotter than they are, but we can't always get what we want, right?

I'm ordering that raid. Hey!

Give that back to me. Are you serious?

I will end your career.

You'll be out there working as a model because, well, you know, you're shredded, and I respect that.

Give me that walkie talkie, now.

Those are my people in there!

You are not gonna give that order!

Stand down.

No.

Stand down or I'm gonna make you.

Hey, you turds, get off the roofs and help me!

Get off your roofs!

I can't do it. I'm a wimp, just like you said.

I didn't say that, and I don't care if you go in.

Be honest. You're judging me.

I'm really not.

I am, a bit.

No lies on Christmas.

Diaz, shall we?

What? Oh!

Oh. Guys!

Captain? Rosa? Oh, please hear me from land!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh!

Ahh! Welcome to the frozen...

Shut your dumb poem mouth!

I'm so sorry. No, I'm not!

We have a crisis. We have to go. Let's go.

Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

How are we gonna get past them without a gunfight?

I'll tell you how John McClane would do it.

The vents.

Ah, blast the AC, they get chilly, they leave to find sweaters.

No, we're gonna climb through them.

Even better. Classic use of vents.

Yeah.

[nail clangs]

[indistinct radio chatter]

I think we're good.

[metal clangs]

I don't think we're good anymore.

Who's there? Dave, is that you?

What are we gonna do? They know we're here.

No, they know I'm here.

Quick, hide. Go, go, go, go.

Hey, hosers. It's me, Dave, eh?

[grunts] Didn't work.

Jake. Jake! Jake!

Ah!

Are you okay?

Oh, my head hurts.

Probably from being conked on it.

How are you?

I'm tied up. I'm scared.

This guy hasn't stopped farting for the last hour.

I keep telling you, it's not me.

Ramon, do you really want your last words to be a lie?

Those aren't gonna be your last words, Ramon, all right?

We're all gonna be fine.

They're gonna drill into the safe, take the money, and then go.

They don't need to drill into the safe.

They had my ID. They already have all the cash.

What?

Then why'd they bring all that heavy-duty equipment?

So you're a cop.

Ah.

I hate cops.

They gave me this.

Nice!

Finally, a good bad guy. This dude gets it.

Now I'm gonna k*ll you.

Okay, you took it a little too far.

Maybe scale it back a skosh.

All set down here.

Okay, start loading out.

I just have one piece of business to take care of.

You know, k*lling a man is not as easy as it sounds.

I've k*lled ten men.

And that's such a nice, round number.

Wouldn't you agree? I mean, imagine.

"I've k*lled 11 people." It just sounds so cumbersome.

[laughs nervously]

[grunts]

Ooh!

Yippie kayak, other buckets!

Boyle! You did it!

And you completely botched the catchphrase.

I'm pretty sure it was right.

No, but you did great.

Ahh.

[grunts] All right.

Look, we have to stop the other robbers.

They're escaping with the merch.

How?

Terry's got the place surrounded.

The drill. It's not for the safe.

They're using it to tunnel out of here.

And those farts Gina kept smelling?

Uh-huh. They were Ramon.

No, it was sewage.

And Ramon.

We have to tell Terry they're escaping through the sewers.

What's a brother got to do to get a wet wipe?

Don't say that.

♪ ♪

Merry Christmas.

Ho ho ho.

I'm starving.

"I'm starving"? We had a thing going!

[dramatic music]

Jake! Oh, I'm so glad you're okay.

Wow, you were really worried about me?

Mm-hmm, also your face is so warm, and I think I have hypothermia.

Sergeant, we need to talk.

I'm not in trouble for what I did to the Vulture, am I?

You think people will believe he threw himself in the garbage?

No.

But this was a high-pressure situation, and you rose to the occasion.

You may have saved lives tonight.

The squad is my family, and I'll always protect my family.

Except for Zeke.

That deadbeat giant can fend for himself.

There's a Lieutenant's exam coming up, and I think you should take it.

It's the next step to becoming a Captain.

I didn't do anything. It was all Jake and Charles.

Mm, spoken like a true Captain.

Also, you are in trouble.

You're suspended one week.

But you've got a bright future.

But I'll need your badge and g*n.

Hey, buddy.

I couldn't find the cologne you wanted to give Amy, but I did get a Canyon Stank gift set.

It's all three stanks, plus the body spray.

Oh, wow. Thanks, Charles.

Yeah.

Look, I didn't forget Amy's gift.

I forgot yours.

The Canyon Stank was for you.

What? Why didn't you just tell me?

Oh, because it would have crushed my heart and ruined our friendship.

Good call.

Look, it sucks, and I was selfish.

I should have gotten you something better.

You did.

You surrendered yourself to keep me safe.

Not only that, you sacrificed your John McClane moment.

It should have been you saying, "Yippie kayak, other buckets!"

Ah, I know you have the moral high ground right now, but it still makes me so angry.

Eh.

Anyways, Merry Christmas, buddy.

You too, buddy.

[rock music]

Gina!

♪ ♪

Hey, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! Hey!

Hey! Oh!

[screams]

[laughs]

Whoa!

It works! The flamethrower works!

Yeah!

No, Gina, no!

Gina, no!

Somebody take her down!