03x13 - The Cruise

[bunniefuu]

Okey dokey.

The car is picking me and Amy up in two minutes.

You sure you're cool keeping tabs on my cases while I'm on the cruise?

You bet. I hope you have a great time.

Hey, don't make any new best friends.

[laughs]

[laughing]

Oh. Maybe you shouldn't go.

Are you kidding? I am psyched to go on this week-long cruise, just sitting around doing nothing.

Straight up living that slug life, y'all.

Cruise itineraries, hot out of the laminator.

Who's ready for some nonstop totally scheduled fun?

Oh, I actually thought we could just... sit by the pool, eat unlimited shrimp, and see what it does to our bodies.

That's cute.

I don't know if there's gonna be time, though.

The cruise offers 77 activities, and I signed us up for 76 of them.

Speed dating for widows seemed like a bummer.

Okay, so slightly different perspectives going into this cruise.

Call it the slug life talking, but I think it's gonna work itself out.

Good-bye, coworkers, or as they like to say at sea...

[imitating ship horn]

♪ ♪

This is so great.

Yeah.

Seagulls, check.

The ocean, check.

A g*ng of oldies in short shorts, check, check, check.

We are definitely on a cruise.

Welcome aboard.

Say, "I love Carousel Cruises International Ltd."

I love Carousel Cruises International Ltd.

I don't want to say that.

All right.

So... the Sail Away party is in an hour, and until then, I have us scheduled to take in live music at the all-ages piano lounge.

Okay, okay. Or we could just head straight to the room.

I brought a plastic tarp so we can eat shrimp in bed.

But the all-ages piano lounge has bottomless margaritas.

Eh.

They also have a drink with a potato skin in it.

Ohh. To the all-ages piano lounge, merlady.

Mm-hmm.

Welcome aboard, ladies and gentlemen, but especially ladies.

[whispers] I know that voice.

Get ready. It's time for some smush songs.

[tender keyboard music playing]

[gasps] Doug Judy. The Pontiac Bandit.

He's here.

We got songs about smushing, songs for smushing to, songs for the kids.

This is the all-ages piano lounge.

I can't believe he's here. I've been hunting him for years, and now fate has dropped him right into my lap.

He's gonna be so surprised when he sees me.

Hey, Peralta, you made it.

[chuckles]

What took you so long, brother?

Okay, seems like he's playing it pretty cool.

Probably more surprised on the inside.

Uh-huh.

Sir, Gina and I are worried about you.

You're drinking a second can of seltzer.

I need this to settle my nerves.

Hurricane Debbie is approaching.

My little sister Debbie, she's a real drama queen.

[chuckles] The drama queen of the Holt family?

What, did she laugh out loud one time?

She's laughed out loud multiple times.

Sir, you have a pretty low bar for what you consider drama.

Once, I used an exclamation point in a email.

You called me Diana Ross.

I assure you, in this case, I do not exaggerate.

Raymond!

Here.

Judge for yourselves.

Here you are.

Great. Oh, my God.

My trip here from the train station... hey, I swear to you I heard the cab driver mumble under his breath, "You will die tonight."

Is that not the most insane thing you have ever heard?

I mean, can you even, Raymond?

I cannot... even.

I hadn't seen her in a while.

She lived alone.

She was 89 years old.

Okay, thanks.

There's no forced entry or visible trauma.

It's probably natural causes.

We'll take a look around...

Sure.

This huge apartment.

What is this, like, 1,800 square feet?

Exposed brick.

Got tons of natural light.

Weird. I thought you'd be most exciting about the gas range.

[gasps] They have a gas range.

I have to apply for this apartment.

I mean, it just became available.

We're the only two people to see it.

This is an opportunity you just don't get in New York real estate ever.

A woman just d*ed here.

Don't be gross and disrespectful.

Holy crap, look at all this closet space.

I'm applying too.

What? You don't need closet space.

You have, like, one outfit.

Just let me have this.

No.

We saw it at the same time.

May the best man win.

Game on.

[clears throat]

I mean, the game of contacting the next of kin.

That's the game I like to play.

Peralta, it's no coincidence you're on a ship.

You won a free cruise without entering a contest.

How do you think that happened?

I don't know.

Maybe it's because I bought "Speed 2" on DVD, and the Internet realized that cruises were one of my interests.

Great film. Sandy B. in a sarong.

Damn straight.

But the tix are all me.

I brought you here 'cause I'm in peril.

Pfft. Peril.

Don't "pfft" my peril.

Pfft.

Somebody's trying to k*ll me, and I need protection, so I sent for my best friend.

I am not your best friend.

I'm your worst enemy. Get that through your head.

It's this kind of bickering that makes us such an adorable couple.

Whatever, Judy. You're under arrest.

You can't arrest me, boo. We're in international waters, which is also why I can smoke as much weed as I want.

Welcome to the high seas.

No, no way that that's true.

Amy, tell me I can arrest him right now.

Judy's right. We have no jurisdiction.

Technically this boat flies under the flag of Uzbekistan.

Uh-oh. Your girl knows about the Uzbeks. Oh.

But the captain can have him arrested.

He has total authority on this boat.

Perfect. Captains love me.

Just wait until he or she finds out they're employing a criminal.

Yeah, about 40% of the crew are criminals.

[groans]

It's hard to find normal people who want to live on a boat.

I, myself, am a tax evader.

I just need him locked up till we get back to New York.

Can't you just throw him in boat jail?

Both: It's called the brig.

He is my best lounge singer, and I need to keep people distracted.

Just between us, we're nearly out of ranch dressing.

On day one?

These people are animals.

Listen, as long as he's on my boat, Doug Judy is a free man.

[sighs]

Jake, Amy, welcome to my cabin, AKA the Boom-Boom Stateroom.

[gasps]

This is a royale level suite.

I never thought we'd see one in person.

Little perk of being Carousel Cruises' entertainer of the year.

♪ Which I am, girrr-rl ♪

A little pitch-y.

You're welcome to chill here.

It's the least I can do to thank you for protecting me.

Never. This protection scam is a scam.

Do you honestly think you can fool me again just because you've successfully done it numerous times before?

Look, my old boss wants me dead.

I've been laying low on this ship, and I got word from a friend on the inside that they found me, and there's a hitman coming to end my beautiful life.

That's why I sent you the free tickets.

No! No, no way. I'm not buying it.

You can't get away from me again.

Amy and I are gonna spend every second of our romantic cruise watching you, assuming that's okay?

Yep. That's what we're gonna do.

Yeah.

I'll just get rid of this itinerary.

No, no, no, no, Ames, don't put that down.

We have to find the hitman before he finds me.

I'm guessing this'll take us all over the boat.

Oh, yeah, that's an ENAC sitch right there.

"Every Nook And Cranny."

Perfect. We'll just ENAC sitch, uh, of this bitch.

How's it going with your sister, sir?

Well, last night, she told me in a great detail about a fight she got into with her trainer, whom she accused of stealing a hairbrush.

Now she's on the phone, screaming at our mother.

We'll keep her out of your hair.

I'm good at distracting people.

It's what I do with my toddlers all day long.

How does she feel about balloon animals?

I'm sure she has a complicated relationship with them.

Ray!

Here she comes.

No balloon animals.

You ain't gonna believe Mom's take on this.

She thinks I'm the one who should apologize just 'cause it turns out the hairbrush ended up being in my car.

Yes, I'd love to discuss your hairbrush for even more time, but I have some pressing police matters to attend to.

Look at you. Always working.

What happened to my fun big brother?

Fun? I was never fun. You take that back.

I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, sir.

When we were little, we would go down in the basement, and he would build us a fort.

We would stay down there all day.

And Ray would sing these silly little made-up songs.

George and Ira Gershwin did not compose silly, made-up songs.

Uh, Debbie, let me show you New York, okay?

The buildings, the subway, the bank, the dry cleaner... I got to run some errands.

Oh, that's a great idea, Gina.

Debbie, I'm so sorry I won't get a chance to see you much on your visit.

Uh, no thing but a chicken wing, 'cause I'm gonna be here for six weeks.

I'ma be all up in your life, okay?

[gasps] I got five down.

I figured out the theme. It's boats.

Okay, I get it.

She's smart and lovable; you're scrappy and lovable; together you're just lovable and lovable.

Okay, so where's this hitman, Judy?

Look, I don't know who they sent, but he's on the boat.

Check out this manifest.

Somebody boarded in San Juan named Henry Coles.

Henry Street and Coles Street, that's the corner of your old chop shop in Brooklyn.

This is an alias.

Mm-hmm.

And my porter buddy checked out Henry Coles' cabin, He hasn't been in it yet.

He's hiding somewhere on this boat ready to jump out and k*ll me at any moment.

Probably creepin' around in my closet.

Or stowed away in a lifeboat.

Or hiding in a wall.

Or holed up in the engine room.

Camouflaged in the shrubbery.

Both: Predator style.

[grunts] No. We are not having fun.

You will not suck me in with your wily charms.

Señor Gotaro, un café con leche, sin azúcar.

Gracias.

Hola, Mr. Gotaro. Good to see you.

Can I talk to Rosa for a quick sec about some super serious police work?

[whispering] I know what you're trying to do.

You brought him in here to butter him up.

Yeah, and I've been laying it on... real thick.

[static crackles]

Mint?

Okay, but you're making a big mistake.

Nobody sucks up like a Boyle.

Of course, you knew that already because you're so smart.

I just did it to you.

[grunts] Fine, little man.

Bring it.

Okay.

Looks like you and I are in a good, old-fashioned suck-off.

Don't call it a suck-off.

Why not? Why shouldn't...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Totally, yep. Mm-hmm. Right. Smart. Good.

You brought your own shuffleboard stick?

Mm-hmm.

They're called tangs.

You should be glad she has her own.

You don't want her messing with another man's tang.

There is no way they're called tangs.

It's true. They are.

And the disks are called biscuits.

[biscuit scraping]

[whispers] Yes.

Tangs and biscuits?

That is so dumb.

I officially love shuffleboard.

Clear a path! I'm about to whip my biscuit!

Yah!

Whoo.

About time you smiled, Jake.

You've been a real tang in the mud.

All right.

Hey, little advice.

Amy is great.

You want to keep her, be more receptive to her interests.

All right, now you're taking it too far, Judy.

I don't need relationship advice from my criminal archnemesis.

Look, I just want to see you two happy.

No. This is just another one of your lies, just like your fake hitman.

There is a hitman on this boat.

Henry Coles is coming to k*ll me.

Excuse me?

What?

You said my name.

I'm Henry Coles.

You're Henry Coles?

According to my medical alert bracelet.

Well, this is interesting.

This is Henry Coles. Let's just take a look at that.

Oh, it says, "Doug Judy is a liar."

Actually, it says I'm a fall risk.

Okay, you're kind of ruining my burn here, Henry.

I knew it. I knew Henry Coles was a 90-year old man with type 1 diabetes and emphysema.

Obviously, I didn't know those specifics, but I knew you were lying.

So Henry Coles wasn't the guy.

My bad.

There's still somebody on this boat who wants to k*ll me.

You're trying to get away, and it's not gonna happen.

We're spending the rest of this trip in your cabin.

Amy and I will take sleep shifts to make sure someone's always watching you.

Thank you. That makes me feel super safe.

[lock beeps]

And if you want to smush, I have a sleep mask and noise canceling headphones.

Can't we just lock him up in there?

Do we really have to trade off sleep for the next six nights?

I know. I'm sorry.

But he did say that he'd wear a mask if we want to smush.

Fine. I get it. He's the Pontiac Bandit.

You take the first shift.

Thank you so much. You're the best.

[glass shattering and people grunting]

Hey, NYPD! Let him go!

[all grunting]

Now do you believe me?

That guy was trying to k*ll me.

All right, fine! Someone wants you dead!

You win.

♪ Smush, smush ♪

Ooh, I still sound like an angel.

You sure?

Thank God you were there, Peralta.

I knew you wouldn't let your best friend die.

I'm still gonna arrest you.

I just can't do that if you're dead.

Whatever you gotta tell yourself.

Baby steps. It's hard getting him out of his shell...

[sighs] Tell me about it.

Every time we get emotional, he's like, "Noice, smort."

Okay, can we focus up here?

We still don't know what your hitman looks like, so we're gonna have to flush him out.

Wait a minute.

Where do the toilets on this boat go?

You don't want to know.

[gasps] The pool?

Ocean.

Oh, that's even worse.

That's where my shrimp live.

Anyways, he'll probably try to hit me at my show this afternoon.

At least I'll die doing what I love: getting people horny at sea.

Yeah. Yeah. That's gross.

All right, here's the plan.

We're gonna leave you alone on stage and dangle you as bait.

Damn! Bait dangling?

If we're up on stage with you, it could spook him.

We'll blend into the crowd, and we'll take him down before he even gets to you.

[sighs] All right, I'll trust you.

But if you're gonna blend in, you got to blend in.

♪ If you like piña coladas ♪
♪ And getting caught in the rain ♪

[upbeat music]

You two are looking good.

Really? I kind of feel like I'm Jimmy Buffett's tennis coach.

No, it's working.

You know I had a major crush on Magnum P.I.?

Major.

Oh, should I grow a moustache?

Yeah, you should.

Actually, I can't. I'm physically incapable.

I shouldn't have suggested that. Should we go in?

[percussive music]

You found me.

Drinking seltzer in the shadows.

I still can't believe Debbie's gonna be staying with me for six weeks.

Sir, when your neighbor is playing their terrible music too loud, do you ask them to be quiet?

Hell no.

You blast your garbage, and you drown 'em out.

You got to fight drama with drama.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

Debbie, it's just too much.

What happened?

Wait till you hear.

Kevin is all, "Hey, man, I'm leaving for Paris,"

And I said, "Then go already.

I don't care," but I do care, and now I'm like, "Where's Kevin?"

Well, I didn't know y'all had all of that going on.

Ugh, no one understands me.

And now you're here, and I love you, but, like, it's a lot.

Everything in my life is a hot mess right now.

Damn.

Captain, the commissioner called again.

He wants to know when crime will be down.

Are you kidding me? What am I supposed to tell him?

I'm under so much pressure.

I just can't even.

You got a lot on you.

And I don't want to overstay my welcome if that's gonna stress you out.

It will, especially with Mercury in... retrograde.

I am sorry.

I-I didn't know. I mean, the only reason I came is...

'cause Gary left me.

What?

He was cheating on me.

But you know what? No. No, no, no.

I'm not gonna burden you with that, okay?

I will deal with that myself.

[footsteps thudding]

There's been a jailbreak, and the Mafia's at it again.

[both laughing]

Hey, what's going on here?

I didn't realize we had more questions to ask Mr. Gotaro together.

Oh, we don't. I asked Mr. Gotaro all of them.

Wait. Hold on. "Gotaro."

Isn't that a Andalusian name?

Yeah.

What a weird coincidence.

Pardon me, Detective Diaz.

Last night, I cooked up a ton of Andalusian baby eels.

[drawer bangs]

Unbelievable.

I love angula.

I mean, it's impossible to find here.

Oh, not if you have a ton of disposable income and great credit, like I do.

I think you're gonna love these. I really buttered them up.

Wow, thank you so much.

Uh, before I leave, um, I should tell you, you're both great applicants, but I've decided to rent the apartment to someone else.

I smiled at you.

[growls] For what?

Ladies and gentlemen, widows and widowers, welcome to the all-ages piano lounge adults only show.

I'm Horatio Velveteen.

Dope name.

Mm.

This is a little song I wrote myself, called "Rosa, Rosa, Rosa."

Goes like this.

♪ Rosa, Rosa, Rosa ♪

[tender instrumental music]

♪ Rosa, Rosa ♪

[whispering] It's so crowded in here, and the lighting is way too sexy to see anything.

Come on.

[whispers] Okay.

♪ Right there on the floor ♪
♪ Is the man you're looking for ♪
♪ He's right in front of you ♪
♪ A little bit to the left ♪
♪ My left, my left, my left, my left ♪
♪ Come on this way ♪
♪ He's in a red shirt ♪
♪ No, not the Asian dude ♪
♪ I'm talking about a bright red shirt ♪
♪ That's the man you're looking for ♪
♪ That's the man you've been looking for ♪

I got him. Follow me. Ah, come on.

♪ This is still a love song ♪

Where'd he go?

Well, that ends my show, all of a sudden.

You've been a great crowd.

Thank you very much.

He's taking me where you smushed.

[crowd murmuring]

Jake, help me. I don't want to die.

I'm still on second season of "Game of Thrones."

All right, just put the Kn*fe down, okay?

There's no m*rder in the all-ages piano lounge.

Screw you, pig.

That is not a very all-ages thing to say.

You just don't get the vibe here at all.

[grunts]

[groans]

Whoo! Nice, grab that cord.

Let's get his arms. Come here.

You just got tanged by my girlfriend.

Sorry, I know that sounded really gross, but it was actually awesome.

You okay, Judy?

[door thuds]

Judy!

No. No, no, no, no, no.

[dramatic music]

Bye, Peralta. Thanks for saving my life.

No. Judy! Don't do this!

No, not again!

Judy! Judy!

Where is Judy? I've looked everywhere.

He has to be somewhere on this boat.

Peralta!

No, he doesn't.

Sorry to do this to you, man.

I saw an opening, and I had to take it.

I can't go to jail. I'm too cool.

You'll never get away from me, Judy!

I can't hear what you're saying.

You're real far away.

I'll just assume you're finally admitting we're best friends.

No, that is not what I'm saying!

Thank you. It means a lot to me.

Enjoy the rest of your cruise.

Just remember, you got a fine lady.

Don't be a tang in the mud.

Check your pockets!

Boom-Boom Stateroom, baby!

Awesome.

But this isn't over!

I will hunt you to the ends of the Earth!

I love you too!

I'm so proud of us for being able to say it.

What are you still standing there for?

Go smush!

Judy!

No!

Well, okay, but my train is in 45 minutes.

I don't have to say good-bye to Ray.

I don't want to stress him out.

No, he specifically asked us to get you.

Hello, Debbie.

You made a fort?

I thought we could talk under here about you and Gary.

Well...

[gasps]

I'm sorry I was pushing you away.

[sighs]

I want you to know that I'm here for you, and I would love to be all up in your life.

Aw, you... [clicks tongue]

Give me a hug.

Okay. [laughs]

All right.

[door clicks open]

Mr. Gotaro.

You're under arrest for the m*rder of your tenant Shirley Crouch.

[sighs] What are you talking about?

Is this because I didn't rent to you?

No.

But that was suspicious.

Why wouldn't you want cops with great credit living in your building?

Great credit and an eel hookup.

Because you m*rder*d her.

Toxicology report says the old lady was poisoned.

Her apartment was rent controlled, and you couldn't jack up the price until she was out of there.

I just have one last question.

If you go to jail, who makes the rental decisions in the building?

It'll pass to a trust.

The bank controls it.

Game back on?

If you have to ask, you're already one step behind.

I should help bring him back in.

We're still police officers.

Yeah.

[sighs]

Hey, can I ask you something?

Mm-hmm.

If the toilets drain into the ocean, does that mean a tiny shark could swim up and bite me in the butt?

No, not at all.

Psh, lame.

Look.

I know you're bummed about the Pontiac Bandit so if it's any consolation, we could spend the rest of the cruise eating shrimp in bed.

That is incredibly sweet, but no way.

We have too many activities to do.

Eh? You'll never guess what starts in three minutes.

Salsa dancing.

Oh, so you can guess.

[salsa music]

♪ ♪

Thank you for doing this.

I love you.

♪ ♪

Noice. Smort.

♪ ♪

I love you too.

♪ ♪

Also, I think this is definitely a dance class for widows.

No, I don't think so.

No?

♪ CHECK ♪

Yeah, we should get out of here.

Are you sure? Okay.

Yes.