03x17 - Adrian Pimento

[bunniefuu]

Hey Jake, can I show you something over here?

Sure thing, bud.

I'm trying to send Genevieve a sexy pic.

Does this make my bubble butt pop?

Nope. I'm out.

[whispers] Who's that?

[whispers] I don't know.

Um, excuse me, pal. Think you're at my desk.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Drop it! Drop the w*apon!

Don't be a dum-dum.

Squad, meet Detective Adrian Pimento.

He's been deep undercover for the last 12 years, but he's just resurfaced, and he's rejoining the Nine-Nine.

That... is... awesome!

♪

Some of you just met Detective Pimento, and, of course, some of you knew him before he went undercover.

Hitchcock and Scully. Ha. You guys still work here?

The only way they're getting rid of us is in a body bag.

It actually happened once, but it was a false alarm.

Detective Pimento will be returning to his old desk.

Peralta will temporarily be moved to the break room.

Questions?

What'd you do undercover?

I worked for Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis.

That is an A-list mobster. Tell me literally everything.

Everyone, shut up!

Pretty much just a bagman for him.

I mean, I did some other stuff.

[grunting]

[crying]

Um, we usually try to tell funnier little stories.

Well, there's nothing funny about what I did for The Butcher.

I've had to learn not to blink, because every time I close my eyes, I see a fresh horror.

Ooh, dark.

But how do you keep your eyes moist?

Actually, I have a very funny story about keeping my eyes moist.

[grunting]

[laughs]

Come on... [laughing]

Nope.

Still not getting that vibe, man.

Really?

Mm-mm.

I'll get there. That's my bad, everybody.

Dismissed.

Sir, can I partner with Pimento on my B&E?

That guy is awesome.

He's like a real life Donnie Brasco.

Isn't Donnie Brasco a really sad movie that ends terribly?

Yeah, but he's got that cool jacket, and he's always down at the docks.

I'm not sure I want you working with Pimento.

He's a little unstable.

[banging]

Machine!

Psychologically, this could be a very difficult transition.

Yeah, I know, I went undercover.

63 days, no big deal. You probably forgot.

No, it's your outgoing voice mail message.

Hey, it's Jake.

Can't get to the phone right now.

I might be undercover again, like I was for 63 days.

Bye!

Look, I know what he's going through.

Let me be the man that brings him in from the cold.

All right, he can work the B&E with you.

Just make sure you take it easy.

Uh, sir, I was 20 minutes late for work today.

I don't think you need to tell me about taking it easy.

Are you bragging about being a bad employee?

No.

Dismissed? Me?

I figured out the best way to welcome Pimento to the Nine-Nine.

Stay out of his way, maybe buy him a drink, not do anything weird?

I'm making him a goat stew.

Huh... all right.

Yeah, now, this Turkmenistani dish is traditionally made from an animal that's been so overfed it can no longer stand.

[whistles] That's the dream.

Everything is authentic.

I even ordered the pressure cooker from Turkmenistan.

So you're on a t*rror1st watch list now?

Oh, yeah, Homeland Security's been in my house, yep.

Now, this just needs to cook for another 11 hours, 32 minutes, and 6...

[boom]

What the hell, Boyle! You almost k*lled me!

I'm not going out in a stew-making accident!

Terry's gonna die saving the President, or Terry's never gonna die!

There's no way we can clean this up by ourselves.

We're gonna need help.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What are you saying?

You know what she's saying, man.

Oh, no.

Mean Marge.

So we're supposed to come running to clean up your mess every time you snap your fat little fingers?

Oh, no, no, I actually can't snap my fingers, they're always too wet.

And I just thought, since it's your job...

Oh, I see.

You cops think you're too good to clean up after yourselves?

Uh... no, I can do it myself, I'll just...

That's union work!

How dare you try to steal our jobs.

So where do we go from here?

Well, you know the old saying, "The only way to unclog a toilet is to let it sit."

You're a janitor. You should know that's not true.

Boys, take out the trash.

Oh, great! So you will do it?

Oh! I'm the trash, I get it.

Okay, that makes more sense with your tone.

[metal chair skidding]

Oops! Oh...[laughs] Love you, Marge.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, I have a special project for you.

Okay, but I'll have you know right now I only fly first class.

I'm not flying you anywhere.

I made an application to the M.C. Guffin Foundation for a grant to upgrade our office equipment.

Unfortunately, they require a video submission.

I understand you have some filmmaking experience.

Well, you know, I've been re-Vined by Rob Kardashian, so, yeah, I'm a director.

Here's what I'm picturing: I enter, in, like, a Fellini-style getup.

Rosa's dressed like a porcupine...

Oh, no, no. We're just gonna do a simple, straightforward tour of the precinct featuring Detective Diaz and me.

Are you sure?

You're not our most dynamic screen presences.

I can be dynamic.

Exclamation point.

Well, Diaz and I have that kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's...

Sentences.

Please, don't interrupt me.

That kind of nonsense won't happen on camera.

Hey, hey, Pimento.

Hey!

This is my desk, okay?

Okay, well, now that that's out of the way, I was just coming to let you know we're gonna work a B&E together; we're gonna be partners.

Nope. I work alone.

Plus, The Butcher says he has spies in the NYPD, so I trust none of these dildos.

Listen, you can trust me.

I'm, like, obsessed with you.

[scoffs] Fine.

Tell me something you've never told another living soul.

Um...

Ooh, here's one.

I'm actually not strong enough to lift a water cooler jug, so I always find a way to make Terry do it.

Here's mine.

Jimmy "The Butcher" made me drive a croquet wicket through a guy's eyes into his brain.

Brain leaked out his eyes like he was crying his own mind.

My goodness.

Now that I've heard yours, I feel like my water cooler thing could have been a little more juicy, but...

No. That was embarrassing for you.

A bond has been made.

Feels good to trust again, brother.

Wow, either you are a cyborg or you're carrying so many weapons in this jacket.

Hey. Kitchen, now.

Okay.

What's up?

Something's not right about that guy.

Why, just because he keeps threatening to k*ll me in the middle of a police precinct? Uh, grow up.

Because I'm physically attracted to him.

And that's bad?

I'm only attracted to creeps: the Vulture, the ShamWow guy, and when I was a kid, I had a major crush on the evil Gremlin.

Stripe? Are you crazy?

Yeah, well I'm not gonna bone Gizmo.

I would.

Careful with Pimento.

It's gonna be fine.

Hey, partner.

Oh!

I've been waiting for you.

[chuckles]

Sorry if I surprised you.

It's just when I was undercover, the middle of the night was the only time I could do actual police work.

Uh, how'd you get in the apartment?

Oh, it was easy.

I just seduced the old lady upstairs, came down the fire escape, jimmied the window open.

Bing-bang-boom, I'm inside your living quarters.

Totally.

Course, next time you could just give me a call, you know.

Two ways to pop in on a friend.

I didn't k*ll the old lady upstairs, if that's what you're worried about.

Well, I am now.

Oh, wait a minute.

You think I'm being weird.

Oh, I shouldn't have come here. This is your apartment.

I'm so sorry, Jake! Stupid, Paul!

Stupid! You idiot, Paul!

Hey! Pimento!

Huh?!

Who's Paul?

Whoa.

Paul Sneed was my undercover name.

'Kay? Damn it, Jake.

I don't know who I am anymore.

You could have chose any name to go undercover, and you picked Paul Sneed?

Seems kind of crazy.

I shouldn't have come here.

This was a mistake. I'm not ready.

I knew I wasn't ready to go back to being police.

It's the only job I've ever had except for bagging groceries at the supermarket at the corner of Atlantic and Clinton.

I guess I could go back to that again.

"Paper or plastic?"

Yeah, still got it.

Listen to me, I was undercover.

63 days with the Mafia. I saw some messed-up stuff.

I know what your struggle is.

And I can bring you home, but you've got to trust me.

Okay. Yeah.

Great. Now, I've got to get some sleep.

You're welcome to stay here and work the case if you want.

Thanks, partner.

I promise I won't disturb you at all.

Whuuuhhhh.

Whuuuhhhh.

Hey, Pimento.

Huh?

I thought you were just gonna be looking through the files or something, man.

Sorry, brother.

Tai chi helps keep the demons at bay.

Right.

And...

Do you have to do it in your underwear?

I can't take them off, 'cause then you'd be looking right at my penis and testicles.

Can't argue with that logic. Mm-kay.

Why is there so much garbage in here?

[sighs] Mean Marge won't clean up the stew.

And also, she suspended our trash service.

What happened?

You didn't grovel enough, did you?

Seriously, Amy, you're gonna ask Charles Boyle if he groveled enough? Come on!

This is the grossest thing I've ever seen, and I have three kids under the age of four.

I live in a house of fluids.

Look, I have a plan, okay?

We're just gonna go over Mean Marge's head and we're gonna tell Holt.

Tell me what?

Oh, well, I don't know if you noticed, but there was an accident in the break room yesterday.

Oh, yes, shattered windows, bones everywhere.

It's very "New York in the 70s." Clean it up.

The, uh, problem... is Marge in facilities is refusing to help.

We were actually hoping maybe you could ask her.

Excuse me?

I'm the captain of this precinct.

I don't have time to mediate your petty squabbles.

I've taken a sacred oath to protect this community, and that is a job I take seriously.

So you're afraid of her, too, huh?

Terrified.

Yeah, perp knew where the camera was.

Must have cased the joint ahead of time.

We're gonna need all your footage from the past week.

Ha-ha-ha. This is an amateur job.

Everybody knows you break in when the owner's there.

That way you have guaranteed access to the safe, and you can kick his teeth in to send a message.

Okay, why don't you just...

Oh, sure, you could slit his throat, but then what are you going to do with all the blood?

Uh, we'd leave it in his body, where blood lives, because we're cops.

Oh, right, we're cops. And don't worry, sir.

We're gonna catch these bastards, or my name isn't Paul Sneed.

Adrian Pimento.

Adrian Pimento. So, what'd they take?

About $15,000 worth of stuff.

TVs, cameras, bunch of pre-paid cell phones.

Ooh, you sell burner phones?

What kind of deals you got on those?

Why do you want to know about the deals?

Just gathering evidence for the case, 'cause I'm a cop, remember?

Detective Paul Sneed.

Adrian Pimento.

Adrian Piment... I... I know who I am... you know what... forget this!

Ah... okay.

[grunting]

Hey, hey, hey, come on, man.

Look, I get it... you're still tense.

When I came back from being undercover, they made me see a shrink.

But then he told me I had dad issues, and I was like, "You know what, you can't tell me what to do, you're not my dad," so he was a moron.

No, you know what, that's good advice... thanks, man, thanks.

I... I'll be right back, I just left something inside.

Hey, give me one of those.

Why are you buying a burner phone?

Cue smoke machine.

And... action Holt.

Welcome to the Nine-Nine. I'm Captain Raymond Holt.

And I'm Detective Rosa Diaz.

I don't understand why I'm on a wheelchair.

Cut!

For the last time, Rosa, through the magic of special effects, the wheelchair will turn into a horse, but I need you to work with me.

Give me a little "hee-yah!"

Hee-yah!

This is idiotic.

Maybe because you didn't karate chop your way through the smoke, as scripted.

I'm out. Scully.

Rosa!

Hee-yah, hee-yah.

I wanted a simple, straightforward video tour of the precinct, and you've added the one ingredient I didn't want: pizzazz.

Pizzazz is who I am.

Would you tell the sky to stop being so blue?

Yes. I wish it were tan.

What?

It's my favorite color. It's no-nonsense.

Hey, I've been tailing Pimento, and I think you were right.

There's something weird going on with that guy.

I knew it. Ugh!

I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with him.

Well, you don't have to.

No, I'm gonna.

He secretly bought a burner phone, he broke into my apartment and he keeps forgetting he's a cop and calling himself by his alias, Paul Sneed.

Paul Sneed?

He said Figgis has spies in the NYPD.

Rosa, what if he's one of them? What if he turned?

Oh, here he comes.

Oh, man, bolt cutters?

Bolt cutters have literally never been used by an innocent person.

I use them all the time when I make jewelry.

What? Oh, my God.

Follow-up questions later.

All right, I got to keep following him.

All right, but be careful.

Oh, don't worry about me. I'll be invisible.

Now you see me, now you...

[car engine revs]

♪ 'Cause here's my number Ah...

♪ So call me maybe

[music stops]

We're cool, we're cool.

Everything's still cool. He didn't hear me, we're cool.

[phone pad beeps]

Rosa.

Pimento just put on a ski mask and broke into a creepy abandoned warehouse.

Mm, that's hot.

It is?

Oh, wait, he's coming back out.

Did he do something super shady?

Are his eyes all wild?

Rosa, focus.

Sorry.

Send a pic. Bye.

Okay, guess we're done talking.

Well, they still haven't cleaned up in there, but the good news is I got a new plan.

I let one of the perps accidentally get out of holding, then I take him down to the break room.

Oopsie. Now it's a whole crime scene.

[gasps] And then we can get crime scene cleaners.

Boom.

Not so fast.

That room gets clean when I say it gets cleaned.

You can't stop us now.

You ever heard the old saying, "Know the garbage, know the man?"

That's not a saying.

Yes, it is. I know all your secrets.

[snaps fingers] Boyle.

You got a taste for fast food.

[giggles] Those aren't mine.

I only eat locally-sourced meats.

They could be Terry's. He was fat once, you know?

What the hell, Boyle?

Speaking of Jeffords, maybe your daughters would like to know that their daddy throws away all their drawings?

They just draw so many, and they're all so bad.

And you, Santiago, maybe the world would like to see that draft of a memo you wrote where you used T-H-E-I-R instead of T-H-E-R-E?

Oh, you sick son of a bitch.

Why do you hate us so much?

I know you call me Mean Marge.

Do you even know my last name?

Hmm?

Mop-Bucket?

Scully, don't guess.

Please.

No.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

"Mop-Bucket," Scully?

It was a educated guess.

Thanks for coming.

Pimento put the duffel in his trunk, parked around the corner, and went home; he's been doing shirtless tai chi in his window ever since.

Which window is that?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Look, I got to get into that trunk.

And you need me to break into the car for you?

What? No, I can do it.

Why would you say that?

Because one time you lost your keys and you called a tow truck.

My mom pays for roadside assistance.

Why wouldn't I call it? I'm doing this.

Okay, great take! You guys are finally getting it.

All right, let's go again. Action Holt!

[rhythmic blowing]

Welcome to the Nine-Nine. I'm Captain Raymond Holt.

And I'm Detective Rosa Diaz. Hee-yah.

The hell is this?

You had a pizzazz problem, so you've been recast, sweetie.

Welcome to Hollywood.

You know, David here really connected with the role.

The key is to invent a backstory for your character.

Now, my Raymond Holt is addicted to pills, but no one knows.

You see, he really understands the craft, whereas you and Rosa just sort of flop around like a couple of boring normals.

I'm sorry, but we're detectives, not professional actors.

We were trying our hardest.

"We were trying our hardest."

Stop it.

Gina, this is a disgrace. I'm removing you as director.

There he goes.

[whispering] Off to take more pills.

Oh, yeah.

Suck it, roadside assistance.

Well, well, well.

Hello, Jake.

Adrian, what a coincidence bumping into you here.

Well, see you tomorrow.

[g*n cocks]

You know what, let's hang out now.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

[laughs]

What are you doing here, partner?

Pimento's still in the windo.

Come on, Jake.

You honestly didn't assume I would hire a look-alike to wear a fake beard and do tai chi in my window?

No, I definitely didn't assume that.

And plus, you seriously thought that was me?

I mean, you've seen me in my underpants.

My butt is rock hard.

That guy's got a pancake butt.

I can't believe you're still working for Figgis.

That's why you've been acting so weird.

Breaking into my apartment, buying a burner phone, grabbing this duffel.

I broke into your apartment 'cause I didn't feel safe at my home.

Okay.

And a burner phone is the only kind of phone I can get because I disappeared for 12 years, and now have terrible credit.

Makes sense.

You want to know what's in the duffel?

Open it up, tough guy.

[sighs]

Oh, look at that.

A bunch of old family photos and personal belongings.

Pimento's mementos.

I know you have a g*n on me.

I just couldn't resist the rhyme, sorry.

I stashed it all when I became Paul Sneed.

I couldn't have them finding anything that could trace back to my family.

I get it, all right?

I went through the exact same thing when I came back...

You have no clue what I've been through!

You know what?

I can't believe I trusted you.

Okay.

Just get out of here, Jake.

Oh, my God, this guy's got a pancake butt.

It's not Pimento. Get out of there, Jake!

Thanks, Rosa.

So Detective Pimento didn't show up for work today.

Any idea why?

Oh, yeah, I straight up drove him off.

Big screw-up on my part.

I'm trying this new thing where I just own my mistakes.

I like it. Do you?

I did.

Until you bragged about it.

Yeah.

Pimento left his g*n and badge on my desk, along with a note reading, "I can't do this. I'm better off as a bagman."

Oh, no.

You think he went back to work with Figgis?

Worse.

Fine, single bag it.

It's your funeral, you dumb son of a bitch.

Get out of here.

Idiot.

Hey, partner.

Bag boys don't have partners.

Actually, cashiers and bag boys need to be totally in sync...

Shut up, Maggie.

Look, man, you sacrificed 12 years of your life for the police department; you're a hero.

I'm sorry that I didn't trust you.

Yeah. Me too.

Look, can I tell you something I've never told anyone before?

My time undercover in the Mafia was actually kind of lame.

I mean, I wanted it to be badass, but I'm good at computers, so I mostly just helped them switch over from AOL.

I have no idea what you're going through.

And I want to tell you that it's all gonna go back to normal, but honestly, I have no clue.

Anyways, the footage came back on that B&E, and we've got a suspect.

I'm going to bust him right now if you want to come with me.

Why don't you give me those eggs?

I'll put them on top here.

Okay.

What was that about? What happened to you?

Maggie, butt out!

Okay? This is my life!

So I just received word from our friend at the Guffin Foundation.

Apparently they loved our video submission.

What did you send them?

A cinematic masterpiece is what I sent them.

Did it feature pizzazz?

No, none at all, sir.

First, I couldn't wrap my head around that concept, but then I realized: do you know which dogs get the most likes on the internet?

Anatolian Shepherds.

No, ugly little runts with wonky eyes and tongues that won't stay in their mouths.

But the Anatolian Shepherd is unrivaled for protecting livestock.

I was trying to wow them, and I should have just been showcasing our wonk-eye.

♪ I will remember you We were trying our hardest, but this is a disgrace.

[echoing] Disgrace, disgrace.

Help us. Stop it.

And that's real audio of your very-real diva meltdown.

You might just make it as an actor after all.

Well done, Linetti.

Sergeant Linetti.

I had the fake Holt give me a promotion.

He signed the papers and everything.

What do you want?

To tell you that we will officially be renaming the fourth-floor break room "The Marge Bronigan Break Room."

Well.

Looks like somebody did their homework.

It was me. I did it.

So what's the catch?

The ceremony starts in two hours.

Now, I know our squad is not in the janitor's union, but it'd sure be nice if we were allowed to clean the place up before then.

We cleaned up the stew, which means the Marge Bronigan Break Room is open for business!

Okay, we'll take out your trash, do normal cleaning, but no big messes.

Great! Time for the christening.

[pop] [glass shatters]

[overlapping chatter, commotion]

Oh, crap.

[all gasp, shout]

Congratulations.

Perp is on the third floor. Everyone know your assignment?

Mind if I tag along?

Pimento?

I thought about it.

If you say things will get back to normal, then I trust you.

All right.

Let's do this.

You're with me, partner.

[g*ns cock]

NYPD! You're under arrest!

You're gonna die!

No, Pimento! No!