03x23 - Greg and Larry

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on, Captain, pick up.

Your friend Bob is secretly working for Jimmy "the Butcher" Figgis.

This is a call you're gonna want to take.

Bob must've done something to him.

Or maybe they're talking about something super boring, like potatoes or beans.

White rice, brown rice... those are just some of the rices I love.

Mmm.

Also basmati.

Mmm.

Uh, that's all of them now.

I should've known Agent Whealon was dirty.

There were signs.

He wore a V-neck once.

Bob.

You did nothing?

It's my greatest regret.

Well, at least he's still alive.

When he comes out of the coma, we'll get him to talk.

Would you mind getting us some food?

I can't fathom eating these candies that Peralta bought us.

Chocolate is the devil's carob.

And carob is Satan's raisin.

I'll go down to the cafeteria, see if I can't scare up some untoasted bread.

Yum.

Oh, Raymond.

I forgot my wallet in my...

Bob, you've k*lled him.

And now I'm going to have to k*ll you.

I've never been more shocked.

♪ ♪

This is bad. This is really bad.

Where would Bob have taken Holt?

I don't know, the library?

Or an index card factory?

Is there such a thing as an accounting museum?

I...

Hold on. I got this.

I know the captain's "find my phone" password.

He's at the hospital.

He's still at the hospital. You're a genius!

Well, I'd love to take credit, but the truth is, life just isn't that hard.

We got to get to the hospital, and we got to get there fast.

Then I should drive.

Why you?

I have nothing to live for, and I drive like it.

Okay, let's do it.

[all screaming, siren wailing]

[car horn honking]

Jake called.

We need to get back to New York right now.

No, no, no, no, no.

You can't just leave.

We may need some of those contacts in the future.

You're gonna go say good-bye, and you're gonna mean it.

So while I'm happy the Supreme Court threw out my conviction, I'm also really sad to be leaving all of you.

Bethany, I know you're an arsonist, but now it's time to set the culinary world on fire.

Sheila, you have the voice of an angel.

Whoever your next music producer is, maybe don't s*ab him.

Jen, you're a n*zi. We never really clicked.

Stay innocent, ladies.

[cheers and applause]

No, no, no. What happened?

He flatlined 20 minutes ago.

The two men who were in this room, where did they go?

I don't know.

[cell phone dings]

Okay, thanks.

Gina said Holt is still in the building.

But where?

I have to get into their heads.

Whew.

"Bob, what are you doing?"

"I'm breaking the law, Raymond, because I'm the worst. Now walk out of this room as if nothing is happening."

"You'll never get away with this, Bob. Jake is on his way. He's a great cop, and he's going to save me."

"Really? He seemed so immature."

"Yes, he seems that way, but I know the real Jake. He's like a son to me. And when this is all through, we're going on a road trip together."

Jake.

Rosa, shh!

I'm working on the case right now.

[snorts] That's weird.

There's a smudge on this sign right over the H.

There's a smudge on this H too.

Oh, my God, why would you touch a hospital thing and then put it in your mouth?

It's chocolate.

Great instincts. Never doubt yourself.

Holt is trying to send us a message using the candy bar I gave him.

Just act natural, Raymond.

Eat your candy bar.

I can't. It's disgusting.

I don't care.

[tense music]

[sighs]

H is for Holt.

He's leading us right to him.

Now all we have to do is follow the trail of chocolate.

This... this is why I became a cop.

[sighs] Charles, what took so long?

I want to get out of this suit before we take off.

We're not going anywhere.

The flight is booked, and there's already a huge stand-by line.

What? We have to get on that plane.

Were you stern?

Amy, you know I wasn't.

[sighs] I've got this.

Holt's in danger, and that lady's in my way.

Never get between a teacher's pet and her teacher.

Ooh.

Okay, vest lady.

I don't care what you have to do...

Oh, you sweet thing, you're pregnant.

So pregnant.

What a miracle, right?

Oh.

Please give me special treatment.

I ripped her a new one, and guess what fell out.

Two tickets to New York.

Ugh.

First class upgrade.

Ahh.

♪ ♪

No chocolate smudges in this entire parking garage.

Or on floors one through five.

We're officially lost the trail.

Unless...

No, that's not chocolate.

What is that?

What?

Don't eat it again!

[cell phone dings]

Wait, getting a text.

It's Captain Holt.

Where is he?

What'd he say?

"Inib rue tiid."

Wait, I'm getting another one.

"Ink obrvs whiz." These are nonsense.

He's been gagged.

How would that come through in a text, Scully?

Wait a minute. I know what's going on.

He's secretly trying to text us from his pocket.

When I die, please give Kevin my regards.

What shall I tell him?

"Regards."

Scully, these look like the weird texts you always send.

Touch screen phones don't respond correctly to my fingers.

It's because I've been electrocuted so many times.

Hold on, I bet we can reverse engineer this thing.

Scully, type this into your phone.

"Inib rue tiid." Two "I"s.

It came out, "Imm on rha rooj."

"I'm on the roof." He's on the roof!

Oh, God bless you, Scully, and your weird, dead hands.

You and Hitchcock are k*lling it!

[both chuckle]

[grunts]

Oh, my God.

Let's just go.

Freeze! Drop your w*apon!

One more step, and I k*ll your captain.

Come on, Bob. What are you doing up here?

Why are you on the roof?

Oh, my God.

You're gonna zip-line off of this thing like an American ninja.

That is such a cool escape plan.

Actually, I was gonna throw Raymond over the side and make it look like a bird-watching accident.

Oh, please, do you think anyone's gonna actually...

It's genius.

There's a red-tailed hawk roost a block away, and I've got a pair of micro binoculars in my pocket, like a fool.

Okay, well, I stand corrected.

Just drop the g*n and surrender.

If you turn on Figgis, this doesn't have to end badly for you.

You still have that file with all the evidence against him?

You mean the one you handed me?

That was a good idea at the time; we all thought that.

Yes, that file's in a safe place, and you're never getting it.

Don't be foolish, Bob. You're outnumbered.

Outnumbered, my bottom.

Figgis's men are on the way.

Yes, I called for backup.

Captain, down!

[both grunt]

Oh-ho, Terry took you down!

Nice timing, Sarge.

How'd you know we were up here?

Captain marked the Hs in chocolate, which I instantly connected to the giant helipad H we're on right now.

Oh. Cool.

Cool, yes, we also solved that.

Came straight up here to the roof.

We didn't wander around even for a second.

We're all smart.

Smart. This is a good hiding space.

Scully, why are you lying down?

'Cause there was a bed here.

You took your shoes off.

All right, look, a bunch of sketchy, black SUVs just pulled up outside.

Either it's Figgis's guys, or Beyoncé stubbed her toe.

Don't even joke about that, Jake.

That would be our new number one priority.

We have to call for backup.

Figgis has people in the NYPD and the FBI.

So good luck with that.

Wow, betraying the FBI is one thing, but sarcasm, Bob?

Wow.

All right, we're on our own.

We got to get Bob out of this hospital and to a secure location, someplace the NYPD doesn't know about.

Captain, you're a grown-up; let's just use your lake house.

For the last time, not all grown-ups have lake houses.

We can go to my apartment.

No one knows where I live.

I thought you had Amy over there once.

Yeah, it was fun. I moved the next day.

Rosa's place it is.

Well, they know what Bob looks like, but they've never seen us.

They think we're just a big group of cops.

What if we didn't look like cops?

♪ I'm from New York, I'm from New York ♪
♪ I'm from, I'm from New York ♪
♪ I'm from New York ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I'm from ♪

[sighs]

Great, everyone looks fantastic, and our hats look normal.

Wow, Sarge, you are just stuffed into those scrubs.

How do you do it?

Exercise and diet. It's not that hard.

Eh, seems pretty hard to me.

I don't think I'm gonna do that.

This brings back memories.

I loved playing doctor as a child.

The cancer has spread.

Get your house in order.

So we can sneak out like this, but what about Bob?

Not to worry. I've got that covered.

Hitchcock.

[mumbling]

And, yes, he is bound and gagged under there, but more importantly, you said, "What about Bob?"

That's the name of a movie.

Holt made a pop culture reference.

All right, let's go.

Okay, let's go over our exit strategy one more time.

Seat 2A is gonna need help with her bags.

She has twig arms.

So if she blocks us, I play the pregnancy card.

And remember, leave our luggage and...

Roll the dice with lost and found.

I know; I've been studying this map you drew on the barf bag for 40 minutes.

Sorry, working is the only thing keeping me from worrying about the squad and completely spiraling.

Hot towels?

For the billionth time, no!

We don't want your boiled rags!

[whispering] No, thank you.

I don't know if it's keeping you from spiraling.

Look, why don't we just take our mind off everything?

We're in first class. We get free movies.

What? No.

We can't enjoy ourselves while the squad is in danger.

That's not fair.

Amy, we're trapped here for three hours.

There's nothing else we can do.

Fine, I'll watch a movie, but nothing we'll like too much.

No new releases.

Of course not.

We'll just put on whatever's first alphabetically.

[gasps] "27 Dresses."

His cerebral blood circulation is infarcted.

Get me an ICP catheter, stat!

Wow, that was amazing, Sarge.

I watch a lot of "Grey's Anatomy."

That show's surprisingly accurate.

Yeah, the one episode I watched, there was a b*mb in the guy's butt.

Oh, that's a good one.

He's crashing!

Push 10 ccs of corticosteroids, plus prep an ER for surgical decompression!

Look, I don't know what any of this means, but I feel like Sandra Oh.

Doctor, do you need me to start a line?

Oh, we're good.

You said he's crashing. Here's a syringe.

Oh, good, I'll use this to puncture his skin.

Uh-oh, we got company.

Uh, this man has a b*mb in his butt!

We got to go.

[dramatic music]

Code silver, code silver.

[alarm blaring]

Split up.

♪ ♪

[sniffling]

You okay?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm just so into the movie, you know, really worried about Katherine Heigl and her dressmaking business.

I'm sorry, dressmaking business?

Her architecture firm?

Her cupcake bakery.

[sighs]

The magazine she edits?

Jane is the executive assistant to an outdoor lifestyle entrepreneur.

You're not even watching!

I'm sorry. I can't focus.

I'm spiraling.

Ugh, I knew it.

If "27 Dresses" doesn't distract you, nothing will, nothing will.

So what do we do?

We're gonna embrace the spiral.

We're gonna talk about these fears.

Things are about to get real.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Yes?

We're gonna need a box of tissues and some cozy blankets.

Okay.

Oh, one more thing.

Mm-hmm?

Y'all got sundaes?

♪ ♪

[alarm blaring]

[bang]

Oof!

Nice. Bedpan to the face.

That's what this is?

Ugh, I put my hands in it.

♪ ♪

Figgis' men are everywhere, and now there's hospital security at all the exits.

How are we gonna escape?

Relax.

There's a million ways to get out of a hospital unnoticed.

Name one.

[alarm blaring]

Dress up like babies.

What?

Well, you put me on the spot.

Well, you brought it up.

All right, wait, wait, wait.

I've got a real plan.

[cart rattles and bangs]

[groans]

Hey!

Go right! Go right!

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!

Abandon gurney! Abandon gurney!

♪ ♪

Damn it!

It's not Bob.

Code silver. Can't let you out.

Look, you have to help me. I'm an FBI agent.

I am Serena Williams.

I'm sorry. They both suffer from grandiose delusional disorder.

GDD.

I've been taken hostage here.

And I'm supposed to be at Wimbledon.

It's my serve!

No, no, no, I am not crazy.

Yes, he is, deeply.

We need to transfer them both to a secure psychiatric facility.

Serena here just bit off a doctor's nose.

It tasted delicious.

Yeah, you can go.

No, no, call the FBI.

No, call Venus! Call Venus!

Have a seat, Bob.

Wow, Rosa.

This is how you live?

What were you expecting?

I don't know, rock walls, weapons everywhere, a waterfall for a door...

I guess I was just picturing the Batcave.

Why do you need a vase full of lemons?

The room needed a pop of color.

Who are you?

All right, Bob, it's time to tell us where that file is.

And why would I do that?

Because we are your only chance of getting out of this.

You have tons of evidence on Figgis, which means he's probably gonna k*ll you.

If you turn on him, we can get you into witness protection.

You'll get a nice, little house somewhere in Florida.

I think you'd love Florida, Bob.

I've never actually been there, but Pitbull's videos make it seem muy caliente.

I know Figgis, and you're in far more danger than I.

He's coming for you.

And I guarantee his soldiers find this place.

Not gonna happen.

I rent it out under a shell corporation.

Yeah.

My mail goes to a P.O. box in Queens.

Yeah.

My neighbors think my name is Emily Goldfinch.

Oh, yeah.

People I work with all think my name is Rosa Diaz.

Yeah... wait, what?

Don't worry about it.

Okay.

Enough.

I'm gonna get this punk to talk.

Oh, Bob, you are S'ed in the B.

I can't lose Holt.

I've barely scratched the surface of the amount of approval I need from him.

Can I have your cherry?

Oh, get in there, girl.

And Jake... I haven't seen him in weeks, and it's been so hard.

I love him so much.

Oh, my God.

I've said "I love you" to him before, but I've never added "so much."

What if I never get to say "so much"?

What about me?

What if something happens to Jake, and he never gets to meet my baby?

I don't want to hang out with some stupid baby who's never met Jake.

Excuse me. Two more sundaes.

Oh, we've already begun our descent, so we've suspended our food services.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are we still in coach?

Or are we in first class where the rules don't apply?

Charles, it's okay.

We're about to land.

You got me through the spiral.

Oh, my God, you're right. We did it.

I am so sorry we yelled at you.

But we will take those sundaes to go.

And I don't care if you don't have a lid.

Y'all make a lid.

All right, here we go.

Captain's about to lay into him.

You need to tell me where the file is.

I'm sorry, Ray. I'd rather not.

Okay, not the dynamic start I wanted, but I'm sure he's just getting warmed up.

I'd prefer not to ask you again.

You sound desperate.

I'm under your skin.

The only things under my skin are oil glands, hair bulbs, nerve fibers, blood vessels, and a bit of fatty tissue.

You forgot about Ruffini's corpuscle.

[laughing] Oh, my God, you're rattled.

Checkmate.

I don't think that was as vicious a burn as he thinks.

You b*at me. It's over.

I've lost all authority.

Who's next?

All right, Bob.

You want to play hardball? Good.

Word on the street is, you like jazz.

I don't just like jazz; I'm fond of it.

I don't understand the difference.

Tell me where the file is right now, or I will ruin jazz for you forever.

I'd like to see you try.

Wrong choice, daddy-o.

♪ Skeeba-dee-skop-gop, boo-ba-roppin jazz ♪
♪ Jazzity-jazz, joozle jazz ♪
♪ Jizz jang jingle jazz ♪

What are you gonna tell your kids, man?

That their daddy's a crook?

I don't have any kids.

My whole thing was based on you having kids!

Now all of this is gonna be hypothetical.

♪ ♪

No tools, Diaz.

All right, mister, here are five stories about my cousin Lee-Ann and her alleged Lyme disease.

How's that gonna make me talk?

Not everything's about you, Bob.

I just needed to vent.

God, you're such a Lee-Ann.

All right, listen up, buddy.

You're gonna tell us where it is.

And also what it is.

We're a little unclear what we're after.

♪ Zwee-bop, zwee-bob, Bob and the mob ♪
♪ Mob-mob-mob ♪
♪ Bob-Bob-Bob ♪

No swords.

So she's gonna look up at you, with hypothetical tears in her hypothetical eyes, and ask why all the other hypothetical daddies came in for career day.

I can't. I can't.

So it's like, "Yeah, maybe you're tired all the time "because you're sick, Lee-Ann, or maybe you're depressed because you live in Reno."

♪ Ta-ta, ta-ta-ta, ta-ta, dibbity-doo ♪
♪ Cymbal-cymbal-cymbal-cymbal cymbal-cymbal ♪

What just happened?

Somebody cut the power.

Time's up. Looks like Figgis found you.

Okay, door's secure.

That's the last of the candles.

Is that multi-wick? [sniffs]

Am I smelling basil and tangerine?

It's called "Summer's Kiss."

What the hell is going on with you?

I hate to rub it in, detectives, but I told you they'd find me.

sn*per! Everybody down!

[suspenseful music]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wrong guy! Wrong guy!

Bob!

[grunts] [glass shatters]

Stay away from the windows!

Captain, table!

♪ ♪

Oh, my God. What's going on?

They tried to k*ll me.

[glass shattering]

Argh!

We have to get out of here, and we have to get out of here now.

It's cool. I have a panic room.

Yes! There's the Rosa I know.

"Summer's Kiss" my ass.

But it won't fit all of us.

Well, looks like Bob's the odd man out.

Bye, Bob.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You have to take me with you. They'll k*ll me.

[glass shattering]

Look, I'll talk.

The file is in a safe deposit box.

The keys are in my car in the lining of my trunk.

All right, fine.

Take Bob with you into the panic room.

Rosa and I'll find another way out.

I'm sure you will, son.

[gasps] You called me "son."

No take-backs.

How will I know to open the door?

When you hear me knock the "Funky Cold Medina."

I don't know what the "Funky Cold Medina" is.

Even context clues have failed me.

All right, you'll know it's me.

[door clicks]

Why'd you do it, Bob?

Why'd you betray everything you ever stood for?

I spent 14 years bringing down a Mexican cartel.

You know what they gave me for it?

A letter of commendation with my last name misspelled.

In all fairness, Bob, who spells "Anderson" with three Ns?

Regardless, I figured if they're not gonna give me any respect, I might as well get paid.

Was it worth it?

Of course. I made millions.

I traveled the world.

I've eaten whale.

I always assumed whale would be too fatty.

Well, I don't have to assume.

I know for a fact it is.

It's disgusting.

I threw up.

[knocking at door]

That sounds funky.

Must be Jake.

[door creaking]

What's going on?

Ha-ha, we fooled you, you fool!

I was gonna do something cooler, but then I was just like "Go with what you feel."

Who are these people?

Oh, well, this is my best friend, Charles, and this is my girlfriend, Amy.

She's not really pregnant.

We're taking things slow, but it's going really good.

Jake?

Right.

They arrived about an hour ago.

Sir, I'm gonna need you to cut the power for Rosa Diaz in apartment 410.

410 is Emily Goldfinch.

Who?

Curly black hair, always smiling, a little chatty for my taste.

I have so many questions, but there's no time.

Cut the power.

The sn*per was Charles...

Bang.

And Rosa.

[glass shatters]

And while you were cowering in the panic room, I went and got this file to make sure you weren't lying.

Well, what happened in here?

It looks like there was a fight.

Oh, it was me.

[banging and clattering]

I was done with this place the minute you all stepped foot in it.

Oops.

Guess you should have taken our witness protection offer and gone to Florida, Bob.

We have more than enough evidence to take you and Figgis down.

You've been played, Bob.

It was all a ruse.

You don't work with Jake Peralta for three years without knowing what the "Funky Cold Medina" is.

Aw, hell yeah.

I asked the guy "Why you so fly?"

He said, "Funky Cold Medina."

Both: Funky Cold Medina.

Zero rehearsal.

[clinking on glass]

I just got off the phone with the DOJ.

They've arrested over 75 of Figgis's men.

His operation is decimated.

[all exclaiming]

Did they find Figgis?

Not yet, but they're confident they will.

And when they do, Detective Pimento can come home.

Can't wait.

I'm gonna eat his face off.

You guys are so cute.

I'd like to propose a toast.

Even when Bob held that g*n to my head, I was not afraid, because I knew you were on the case.

I respect the hell out of each and every one of you.

Nine-Nine.

All: Nine-Nine.

Love it when everyone chants that.

Mm.

So Charles and I really got into it on the plane, and around sundae number five, I realized we should move in together.

You and Charles?

No, you and me.

Oh!

Yes, that makes so much more sense.

Absolutely, immediately, let's do that.

[sighs]

I love you so much.

Aw, I love you so much too.

I love this so much.

So I guess Charles was listening to our conversation.

Both: Yeah.

[cell phone ringing]

Ooh, I'm gonna get this.

Hello?

Jake Peralta? This is Jimmy Figgis.

Oh, uh, hey, dog.

You and Ray Holt took down my operation. Now I'm gonna k*ll you both.

Later, dog.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Uh, Captain Holt?

[Ella Fitzgerald's "Blue Skies" playing]

♪ Blue skies smiling at me ♪
♪ Nothing but blue skies ♪
♪ Do I see ♪

Morning, Greg.

Morning, Larry.

♪ Bluebirds singing a song ♪
♪ Nothing but bluebirds ♪
♪ All day long ♪