04x06 - Monster in the Closet

[bunniefuu]

Papa, Papa, come in here!

Hey, Papa's here.

Papa, I'm so scared.

There's a monster in my closet.

Oh, buddy. Shh.

It's okay, I'm here.

Monster's aren't real, my little pierogi.

But I saw it. It was big and hairy.

You just had a nightmare, buddy.

No, it was real!

I'm sure it felt that way.

But I am gonna open this closet, and I'm gonna show you that there's nothing in there.

Don't do that, Papa!

See? Nothing...

[all screaming]

[loudly exhales]

Whoo!

[laughs] Ah, hey, Chuck.

It's Pimento.

And now Nikolaj says he's too frightened to ever sleep again, so that's just superduper.

I don't understand what he's so scared about.

If I was there to k*ll him, he never would've heard me.

A thing you told him several times.

God, Nikolaj is having such a rich childhood.

Can we back up?

What were you doing in Boyle's closet in the first place?

Well, I still had a key from when I was crashing there last year, and I wanted to shower and anoint my body with essential oils before I saw Rosa. Duh.

Well, she's gonna be so psyched that you're back.

Where have you been all this time?

Figgis has been locked up for a month.

I was in prison in Uzbekistan.

It's actually not as bad as it sounds.

[both grunting]

I deserve this!

Why were you in jail?

Ah, I got sh*t down smuggling a*mo to a rebel group, flying an old Soviet prop plane.

They tortured us.

Made me eat my co-pilot's tongue.

Oof, now I've got a taste for it.

The important thing is you're safe and sound and back in Brooklyn.

Thank you, Captain.

[grunts]

[sniffs]

Ooh, you smell good! Wowza.

And end of hug.

Okay.

I'll see about getting you reinstated to the NYPD immediately.

I think this deserves another hug.

Me too.

Nope.

One was sufficient.

Cool.

Pimento, you son of a bitch!

You're the son of a bitch!

Oh, we'll see who's a son of a bitch.

Oh, yes, we will.

[moaning]

Aww.

It's so sweet.

[loud thumping]

And violent.

Yeah, this is awkward.

I'm sure they'll stop soon.

[both screaming]

And it's escalating. Let's go.

I left my phone in the briefing room.

It's been 20 minutes. You think they're still...

They're not doing anything.

Kissing just turned into talk.

It's like, why even work here?

Listen up! We have an announcement to make.

When I was in that Uzbek prison, choking on my own blood because my face was being beaten in, I realized, life is funny!

That's what you realized?

Mm-hmm.

And it's short.

We're picking up where we left off when Adrian went into hiding.

We're getting married tomorrow.

[all exclaim]

Tomorrow. That's real quick.

Thank you, Sarge.

And we want it to be beautiful, and lush, and romantic, just like a Nancy Meyers movie.

She's our favorite director.

Aw.

I love "You've Got Mail."

That's Nora Ephron, you idiot.

I know.

Wait, hold up.

Planning a wedding like that in 14 hours would be the greatest organizational challenge in history.

How are you gonna do it?

I was kinda hoping you would.

I thought I was supposed to get you guys the wedding present! [laughs]

Of course I will!

That's my girl.

[cheerfully sighs] All right.

Listen up, people.

The next 14 hours are gonna be hell, but in the end you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you've finally done something worthwhile with your lives.

I kinda think the police work we do...

Eh-eh-eh!

I don't have time to stroke your damn ego, Sergeant.

Let's make a wedding!

Hey, Jake.

I need a wedding favor.

Of course. Anything.

Except k*lling someone, or maiming someone, or breaking the law in any way, or nudity.

Also I don't like waking up super early in the morning... you know what, why don't you just tell me what you want?

Cool, I need to go to Neustadter, New York.

I gotta pick up a pair of ruby earrings I pawned before I went into hiding.

Neustadter's like six hours away.

I'm not so sure we can get there and back in time.

Jake, there's no wedding without the earrings.

My grandmother wore them on her wedding day, and said they blessed her union.

Do you want this union to be blessed, Jake?

Or do you want this union to be friggin' unblessed?

Blessed, totally blessed. I'll do it, it's fine.

But I should warn you, my car is a piece of junk and it's always breaking down.

Ah, come on!

The universe isn't gonna let anything bad happen to two best friends... unless we're in a fiery crash, and our bodies are b*rned beyond recognition.

Ooh, Gina's got jelly beans!

Pimento, no.

Bad.

Sorry, Gina.

[murmurs]

That was amazing.

He actually listens to you.

Hey, you should come with us on this trip.

You know, in case he starts acting...

Bat crap loony tunes.

Yes.

You can use your powers to keep him in check.

Yeah, people fear me.

Mm.

The only reason I'm not your boss right now is 'cause I'd hate to do that to Holt.

He needs this.

And also you're not a cop.

Well, you're not the basis of a character on "Empire,"

Jake, but I don't throw that in your face every damn day.

So you will come with us?

Yeah, I'll be there.

You da man!

Bye, girl!

See ya in the car, girl.

Okay. First, the good news.

I've generated a detailed timeline broken down into 30-second increments to keep us on track.

The bad news: we're already 16.5 increments behind schedule.

Oh, man.

Terry feels overwhelmed.

Good! Use it!

Neil Armstrong was overwhelmed when he walked on the Moon, but you know what he did?

He walked on the Moon!

Charles, you're in charge of food.

I've been planning a nuptial menu since the day I met Genevieve.

Warning, it will be delicious and highly erotic.

Your menu is not gonna involve animal genitalia, is it?

No, I was gonna make... not that.

Terry, you're on hair and makeup.

I've seen your little girls' pigtails, so I know you can do it.

They actually prefer my hair work to their mommy's.

[giggles] I love their little heads.

[whimpers]

Terry, what's going on, man?

It's just a matter of time before I'm doing their hair at their weddings. [stammers]

It goes so fast. They're still babies!

Pull it together, Jeffords!

Scully and Hitchcock, you're in charge of seating.

Smart move, Amy. I've been called the Leonardo da Vinci of sitting on my ass.

Great.

And, Captain, you can help me decorate.

I'm at your disposal, just tell me what to do.

I'm here to implement your vision.

Well, we just wanna keep it classy.

Got it. Balloon arch.

What?

Say no more, it's done.

I'm off to the nearest balloon store.

Okay, Rosa.

You go to the office, have a couple bellinis, and just relax.

What's a Bellini?

Peach juice and champagne.

Peach juice and champagne? What am I, six?

[sighs] Come on, just try it.

It's what Nancy Meyers would drink.

Fine. For Nancy.

So, big day. How you feeling, buddy?

Good, giddy. [laughs]

I've never felt giddy before.

Didn't realize how close it was to hungry.

You know, it's possible you're just hungry.

When's the last time you ate?

Uh, three days ago?

Ah.

You excited for being married?

Yeah! I love Rosa.

I can't wait to just jam my tongue in her earholes, and eat the hair off her head.

Hoo! I'm giddy.

Aw, that's cute.

All right, we're looking for 381 Smith Street.

It should be up here.

Hopefully they still have your earrings.

You sure we're looking for 381?

'Cause 381's looking a little crispy.

Oh, no. It b*rned down.

How did this happen?

Uh, it's okay. Everything's gonna be fine.

We'll think of something, all right?

Nope!

This is a sign from the universe.

I can't marry Rosa.

Guys, the wedding's off.

Oh, no, no, no! [groans]

That's it! We're not getting married.

This is a disaster.

Come on.

I mean, they're just earrings, right?

We can get another pair, or we could make some new ones.

All we need is, like, a blacksmith.

Or a smelter... a smelt man. That can't be right.

The point is you can still married.

No, Jake. You don't understand.

The universe is sending me a sign.

And when the universe talks, I listen!

Well, I personally don't even really believe in signs, so...

What? Then you deserve to die.

Ah...

The sign was real.

If I ignore it and marry Rosa anyway, I'm basically asking the universe to stomp on my balls.

Okay, good point.

Hey, Gina, I could use your help here.

You wanna maybe weigh in on this one?

Yeah, sure.

You're right. The marriage is cursed.

What? No! You weighed in wrong.

I'm sorry, Jake, it's an omen.

And I'm not taking your side against the universe's.

It's hundred of years old.

What if there was something in the universe that could prove to you that you should still get married? What would that be?

Finding his grandma's earrings.

Or we could cut Rosa's ears off, and then it's like the earrings don't even make sense.

Thank you! Someone's trying to help.

Okay, so the earrings.

Maybe somebody bought them before the place b*rned down, right?

We could track 'em down.

And lookee here.

I just got the owner's name. That's good, right?

Okay, maybe there is a little bit of hope.

[snaps fingers] You're damn right there is.

Suck it, universe!

Are you crazy?

Why would you even say that?

Come on, man!

How are the chairs coming, guys?

Shh. We're working!

This one's good.

Okay.

So we'll go with that one?

No, I said it was good.

I didn't say it was right.

Wow, you're taking this really seriously.

Amy, will you taste this batter?

Mm-hmm.

Hmm... I think it's a little off.

You know what's off? Your mouth!

Why Jake lets your stupid tongue anywhere near him, I'll never know.

Nope, I forgot the sugar. That's on me.

Whoa, you really made the balloon arch.

Made? No. I birthed her.

There's no form more graceful than the arch, no object more whimsical than the balloon.

Yes, you and I think that, but... what will Rosa think?

Good point.

Rosa would want a much, much bigger balloon arch.

Back to the balloon store.

Uh, Amy? We've got a problem.

What?

Rosa's drunk.

Rosa? No. How?

Bellinis rule!

Nancy Meyers, you've done it again, you saucy bitch.

For the last time, I don't have your earrings.

They didn't survive the fire.

Aw, no, this is really bad.

Well, not necessarily. I mean, maybe the universe allowed something else to survive, you know?

Like a rabbit's foot.

I don't think you understand how pawn shops work.

I don't think you understand how they work. Yours b*rned down!

I'm so sorry you lost everything.

I'm just really worked up. No, please don't!

Okay, so...

I know that seemed like a little bit of a dead end.

[chuckles]

She's got the earrings.

She does?

She stole all the merch, and then b*rned down the store.

She was wearing a necklace that I also pawned there.

Oh, snap! Signs on signs on signs!

Are you sure it's the same necklace?

Uh, yeah, Jake. I once punched it through a guy's throat, so I'm pretty sure I remember it.

I stand corrected.

All right, I'm gonna call the local police and get a warrant.

Oh, don't bother.

Let's just kick down the door, and take back what's mine.

No! No, no, no. That's a bad idea.

He's right. Just use the lattice.

The upstairs window's open.

No!

Nice!

What are you doing?

I'm trying to make this wedding happen. What are you doing?

Trying to keep us out of prison.

You know what, forget it. I'll just deal with him myself... nope, he's already on the roof.

Aha! Yeah, dog! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Rosa, what happened?

Sorry.

I didn't know you could drunk off champers.

I mean, it's half bubbles.

Don't worry, Amy.

I got this. I'm a master at sobering up.

Are you sure?

Uh, you don't go to the Renaissance Faire every weekend in your 20s without learning how to handle your mead.

Great. Thanks, Charles.

Mm-hmm.

Charles, I'm getting married today.

Yes, you are.

And I'm gonna make sure you are sober when that happens. Now I just need cayenne pepper and some horse milk.

Marriage is the best.

Hey, how come you and Genevieve aren't married?

Huh?

Uh... you know, it's complicated.

No, it's not.

It's easy. Bring her down here.

We'll all get married!

Yeah, right.

She doesn't want that.

Whoa, that sounds...

[blowing raspberries]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. Uh-uh, no, no.

Everything's great with us.

I mean, if it was up to me, we'd get hitched, but she had a really bad divorce, so...

Oh, I'm sorry. Does that upset you?

I'm good! Yeah, I'm good!

I'm so sad.

I love her so much.

I wanna marry her butt so bad.

To Genevieve's butt!

To Genevieve's butt!

Look at all this crap. See, I told you.

They took all their merchandise, and b*rned their store.

This is a bad idea. We should leave now.

What? No. All we're gonna do is find the earrings, and then light this place on fire for revenge.

Check it out! Rainstick.

Keeping it.

No, you're not.

That is a crime.

Untrue.

Once you steal something, none of your stuff belongs to you.

I've heard that too.

No, you haven't.

No one has. Put that down.

Okay.

[rainstick trickles]

Gina! Be a quieter robber!

But you told me to put it down.

Hi, we met earlier.

You're breaking into my house?

Or are you breaking into our house?

Yeah.

Dino! Robbers! Dino!

Aha! I found the earrings!

Dino! Get up here!

Yeah, Dino! Get in here!

So you can watch me light your house on fire!

Whoa! Okay, everybody, just keep it cool.

Everybody be chilly chill chill.

I am gonna slice your face off!

Not chill, Dino.

[screams]

Let me in there, you sons of b*tches!

Wait, wait!

The trellis won't hold all three of us at the same time.

Smart.

[both screaming]

Whoo!

Ooh!

That was awesome! I love being a police officer!

That was the opposite of being a police officer.

We just robbed somebody.

Who robbed us!

The universe is back on track, baby!

We got grandma's earrings back!

And the rainstick!

Which you will be returning.

Uh, sure I will.

How are we doing on traffic?

Green all the way.

All right, looks like we're actually gonna make it in time for this wedding.

Thank you, universe.

Thank you for blessing this marriage.

[metallic clank]

Okay, I know what you're thinking, but this is not a sign.

I just have to pump the gas twice, and turn it back on.

This happens all the time.

[engine grinding]

[banging]

Oh, boy.

This has never happened before. Everybody out!

This is the worst day of my life.

The universe doesn't want me to marry Rosa.

Look, it's gonna be fine.

We'll get the car fixed and make it back in time.

Gina, when's the tow truck getting here?

No idea, I'm talking to my spiritual advisor.

He says we have an engine problem.

Yeah, I know, that's why I said call a tow truck!

So you meant my spiritual advisor is right?

Guys! This is my fault. I should've just given up when fate b*rned down the pawn shop, okay?

Stupid Adrian. Stupid Adrian!

Idiot! Read the signs!

Enough!

I'm so sick of this garbage, all right?

The two of you need to stop looking for signs everywhere... oh, my God, a sign.

Whoo! He can fly! Prop planes!

You can fly, you can fly!

I'm a vessel for the universe.

Wow. The chairs look amazing.

I can't believe you two aren't my biggest problem today.

We're not? Who is?

My arch. Isn't she beautiful?

I got eye-rolled to, not about!

While Pimento stares at Rosa, we'll all be staring at... her.

Yes, we will.

She's truly breathtaking.

There's a double meaning to that.

The breath that it takes to inflate all those balloons.

Of course I used the hand pump, but the bon mot still works.

[loud thud]

Oh, no! What's happening?

Someone tell me what's happening.

I got some more bad news.

Oh.

Oh, wow. That thing's huge.

Didn't Rosa want things to be classy?

I mean, she's getting married, not finishing a marathon.

So says the hair guy.

Stay in your lane, bucko. Right, Santiago?

The arch sucks! I'm sorry.

I didn't want to say anything because you're my boss and you were so excited, but the truth is every time I look at it I wanna die and take you with me.

Well, I wish you'd said something before I spent all day making it.

Of course, you didn't want to... "burst my bubble." Pun intended.

And then... you did.

[pops]

[groans]

[pops]

Forget the arch! Charles didn't sober up Rosa.

She got him drunk!

Oh, no.

How drunk is he?

Remember the night they cancelled "Bunheads"?

We're ruined.

It's fine.

I'll handle it. You got your hands full.

[whispers] Yeah.

[pops]

This is just 18 sh*ts of espresso.

It got me through the first three months of having twins, but I imagine it'll sober you up too.

Aww, he's taking care of you.

Such a good father.

Ugh, I miss my father.

I used to be daddy's little girl, but we never talk anymore.

You don't?

That's what happens.

You grow up, your bond with your dad goes...

[blows raspberries]

[blows raspberries]

No, it doesn't always happen.

All right, not to special daddies who put the time in.

You know, read them stories, do their little pigtails.

Really, Sarge?

Who do you think used to do my pigtails?

Why can't they stay babies forever?

Berlini!

Bellini!

Bellini!

Okay, this is very scary, but it's okay, because you're a trained pilot.

No, I'm not. I'm self-taught.

What?

Oh, yeah.

You can learn anything online.

Ooh, you should see me do origami.

Oh, do you know how to do a frog?

Oh, no!

Can you do a swan?

No.

Can you do a crane?

What's a crane?

Okay, he does not know how to fly a plane.

All right, food is ready, decorations are set, guests should start arriving any moment, and the chairs are still perfection.

She said they're perfection. I'm so proud of you, buddy.

It was you. You made this happen.

All right! Let's show Rosa what we got.

Wait. Where is Rosa?

[laughter]

[shushes]

Narc.

And that's why you shouldn't drink.

Being drunk sounds terrible.

Hello, Amy, I didn't see you there.

How did the wedding go?

Terry!

What the hell, man? You said you were gonna sober them up.

It was her fault.

My girls are never gonna grow up and lose their virginity.

I lost my V-card to the woman that refilled Nana's oxygen tanks.

Her hands were so strong from turning the nozzles.

[laughter]

This is a room of nightmares.

You're the nightmare.

You made me k*ll my balloon baby.

Look at me.

So drunk, I'm alliterating like a beatnik.

Okay, everybody outside now!

Just know that you brought this on yourselves.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Can't we just go to sleep for a winker?

We're way past winkers.

Scully, Hitchcock, bring the frost.

[fire extinguishers whoosh]

[screaming]

No!

[squealing]

[continued screaming]

Nice job, you two.

We are nailing it today!

Hey! We're back.

Pimento's got the earrings, guests are arriving...

What the hell are you doing?

Sobering these clowns up.

All right, everyone go get dressed.

[sighs]

You would not believe the day I've had.

You and me both, sister.

Rosa got drunk, and then every time I sent someone in to help her, she got them drunk too!

It's like she was trying to t*nk this thing.

Yeah, well, Pimento called off the wedding three times because of the universe. If I didn't know them any better, I'd think they don't even wanna get married.

Both: They don't wanna get married!

Okay, so it seems like they don't wanna get married.

But is it even our place to say something?

No, right?

Right?

It's their decision, even if it's a bad one.

They could always get divorced.

People love getting divorced! My parents got divorced, and all it did was scar our family for years and years.

We have to say something.

Yeah.

I suppose I can see how a balloon arch might've been a little too much.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

No, you're supposed to say, "This wedding looks like garbage."

This wedding looks like garbage.

No, no. As long as the bride's happy.

Hey there, everyone. Great wedding so far, right?

Uh, next up, we're gonna take a quick break, which happens at every wedding, but in the meantime, how about a little entertainment?

Boyle? You got your devil sticks?

Always.

Hey, Adrian.

Yeah.

We gotta talk.

Really? Right now?

I'm working on my vows. Hey!

[snaps fingers] What rhymes with juicy heinie?

Nothing. Nothing rhymes with that.

I would cut that line.

But that's all I have.

Forget it. The thing I wanna say is, maybe the universe wasn't telling you stuff today.

Maybe you were telling yourself something.

Telling myself what?

Yeah, tell himself what?

What are you doing here?

I'm a part of this journey.

Don't you dare try to cut me out.

Wow, you look beautiful.

Thanks, Amy.

I'm super nervous.

Kinda wish I was still drunk.

Yeah.

About that... I think we should talk.

Why? [gasps] Are you packing a Bellini?

Look, I spent the whole day denying the fact that there were signs, but I was wrong.

They were actually there.

So far, duh.

The fact that you kept cancelling your own wedding... that was the real sign.

Whoa!

You took the situation, and you flippity-flopped it.

I don't think it was an accident that you got drunk, or that you got everyone else drunk.

What? You think I'm trying to sabotage my own wedding?

I don't know. Were you?

Maybe I was.

I don't know, something just doesn't feel right.

Oh, man, I gotta talk to Adrian.

I was my own sign the whole time?

Wow, that's a real M. Night Shyamalan twist the... oh! [snaps] "Signs"!

[both gasp]

Wait, do you think he's behind all of this?

I do not.

I should go talk to Rosa.

Thanks, Jake.

Jake, you done good, kid.

Glad I took you along for the ride.

Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!

All right, give it up for Charles.

Yeah!

[applause]

No, give it up for the devil sticks.

They're the real heroes here.

No, they are not.

No one thinks that. All right, I'm not sure how much time we have, but anybody know a joke?

Oh, I do!

Two Jews walk into a...

No! Sit down!

No, definitely not. Oh!

[soft wedding music plays]

All right, we have an announcement to make.

We're not getting married.

All: Aww!

You can shove those "awws" up your butts.

Yeah, or I'll come out there, and I'll do it for ya!

What an interesting event.

I just feel like we were rushing things.

We love each other, but we haven't even really spent that much time together.

We've never even been on a real date, so we're gonna start there.

[applause]

Shut up!

Thank you for the presents. We're keeping them.

All of them.

Yeah, if you got a problem with it, come talk to us in the parking lot.

Also, in just 14 hours Amy put together the most amazing non-wedding wedding in history.

Better than "Sleepless in Seattle."

Nope. That is also Nora Ephron.

k*ll yourself.

Don't take it personally.

Anyway, we can't let all this go to waste.

Everybody, clear these chairs out of here, and let's get this party started.

No, not the chairs!

Don't touch the chairs, you monsters!

[knock at door]

Yeah?

Oh, I just wanted to thank you for all your help yesterday.

I didn't do much.

It was nothing.

Good day.

What's going on?

I'm just very busy. Get back to work.

Wait. What do you have in there?

A balloon arch.

Oh, my God, Captain.

She is magnificent.

Vindication!