01x03 - Chitty Chitty Death Bang

Lois: [Singing] ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ all the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

[Cheery instrumental music]

Lois: Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party.

I can't believe he's almost a year old.

Yeah. I'll never forget the day he was born.

Doctor: One more push, Lois.

Doctor: This is a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to see?

Peter: Yeah, I've never actually seen a baby being... Oh, God!

Doctor: Congratulations. It's a boy.

Doctor: Wait a minute. I don't think we're through.

Oh, my God! Is it twins?

Doctor: No. It's a map of Europe.

[Sinister instrumental music]

I confirmed everything with the birthday party planner... at Cheesie Charlie's.

Why Cheesie Charlie's?

It's cool, Dad.

They have this game where you put in a dollar and you win four quarters!

I win every time! I get to go, right?

Why can't we have the same kind of party we always do?

Peter, this could be our last first birthday ever.

When Meg and Chris turned one, I had so much to do, I missed everything.

[Kids chattering]

[Sighs]

Peter: Lois, you won't believe this! Meg just said "Da-Da!"

Her first words?

Then she stood up by herself and started walking!

Her first steps?

Yeah.

What the hell are you doing in here anyway?

[Drums playing]

Peter: All right! Her first drum solo.

[Applause]

Thanks to Cheesie Charlie... I'm not gonna miss a moment of Stewie's party.

I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces?

A little service here!

Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you.

Plans? What the devil are you talking about?

It's your birthday, dude.

Saturday's gonna be real special, honey.

I've hired a professional to make sure everything goes just right.

A professional? There's treachery afoot!

[Crying]

Meg, you're home late.

I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading.

Don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do?

I'll give you a hint.

I S-U-C-K-E-D! Sucked!

Yay!

I mean, sorry, honey.

Meg: God, I hate high school. I don't fit in with anyone.

Boy. Do I know that feeling.

[Suspenseful, jazzy instrumental music]

Okay, man. Okay. You are really throwing me off.

It's step-kick, step-twirl. Got it?

I thought we were gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks.

Not without seven years of ballet and two of jazz tap, we're not.

From the top, people! Why don't you just hang back and stretch?

I don't get it.

The more I try to make friends, the more people hate me.

Listen. You're a one-of-a-kind girl with a mind of her own.

Now, see, that's what people hate.

Really?

I'm telling you, just be the girl you think everyone else wants you to be.

Wow, it's so obvious.

Thanks, Daddy.

Meg: Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom.

Lois: I haven't seen Meg this happy since that bus broke down... in front of our house.

Hi. Can we use your phone?

Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn!

Meg and I had a little father-daughter talk.

It seems to have worked.

I wasn't just blowing smoke when I bought this T-shirt.

Well, you're the number-one husband, too.

I know. That's why I bought this T-shirt.

Stewie: "Dear Diary...

"It seems the domestic overseers are plotting against me.

"Their plans somehow relate to the anniversary of my escape from the womb.

"I'm still haunted by the memories of how I was incarcerated... in that amniotic Attica.

[Epic instrumental music]

"As I recall, it was every potential man for himself.

[Whooshing]

"I alone had reached the target objective, thanks to the intrepidity... I developed at testicular boot camp. But it was a trap!

"I was imprisoned in that uterine gulag for nine grueling months."

Day 171. I've sprouted another finger, counting the one from yesterday.

I'm up to 11.

"As the months of solitude passed, I began to go insane.

"It seemed my prison cell was getting smaller and smaller.

"I was quite sure that soon I would be dead.

"But then, a miracle! There was a light at the end of the tunnel.

"I rushed to freedom, but suddenly I was ambushed by a mysterious man in white!"

The man in white. Of course.

He must be the hired professional of whom they spoke.

He failed to thwart my escape into the outside world.

And now, one year hence, he's returning to rectify his mistake and... put me back in the womb!

[Dramatic instrumental music]

Boy, it sure is great being thin and popular.

Girl 1: Let's throw up.

Girl 2: Sure!

Girl 3: Good idea!

I love throwing up.

[Laughing]

[Sighs]

Hi. I'm Jennifer.

I'm Meg.

My God. Your hair is so beautiful. I just want to brush it.

Really?

You want to go throw up?

[Western instrumental music]

Hey, Dad, let's go whack some moles!

Now, Chris, we're not here for fun.

[Children giggling]

Now your mom is counting on us to drop off the deposit.

So let's just deliver the check and...

Peter: Hong Kong Phooey!

Yeah! Come on! Go, yeah! Eat my dust!

Peter: Come on, move it! Oh, man! Chris, this place is great.

Pull over, you b*st*rd!

Pull over, you b*st*rd!

Man.

Chris: Hey, Dad, they even got games in the bathroom. Look, I won a balloon!

Yeah, way to go, Chris.

Where's my watch?

All right. I won a watch. What's The Dukes of Hazzard?

That's mine. Come on. Come on, give that back!

Give it!

Come on!

Uncle Jesse: Folks in Hazzard County hadn't seen a watch fight in a long time.

Them boys rassled for a full five minutes before the manager stepped in.

Come on!

Hands off, fatty!

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

I'm a paying customer.

I got a deposit check for my kid's party right here.

Mr. Griffin. I am terribly sorry.

We're really looking forward to Stewie's special day.

Now I don't know, after the emotional trauma I've endured... on your premises, I think I deserve a little discount.

Sir, our prices are set by the corporate office.

Then maybe I'll just take my business elsewhere.

Good luck filling our spot by this Saturday.

Man: I got cash!

Woman: I'll take it!

Suit yourself.

Wait. I was just bluffing. My wife has her heart set on this place.

[Peter yells after him]

Chris, this is a big day for you. The day you become the man of the house.

Because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

So the man in white is coming to put me back in the womb, is he?

If I'm to defeat him, I shall require professional forces.

Stewie: Here we are. "Come to Managua, the Mecca of mercenaries."

I must prepare for my journey.

Let's see. Grenades, mace, baggy full of Cheerios...

So, are we all set at Cheesie Charlie's?

Actually, I canceled the reservation.

What?

How could you?

Lois, I got a very good reason.

Wait a second.

These are always classic.

Lois, that Cheesie Charlie's is no good. See, it happened like this.

[Spooky instrumental music]

[Screaming]

Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil, Hitler!

Actually, the name's Griffin.

I was sent by my smart, beautiful, and still sexually appealing wife, Lois.

Yes. We're all set for your little boy's party.

I understand we're getting a terrific bargain here.

Absolutely. The children get to play our games.

And if they win enough tickets, they get a prize.

I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough?

Sorry, Timmy. But you need 15 tickets to live.

[Screaming]

They also get food, cake, and your choice of ice-cream flavors... vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, or people.

What was that?

Chocolate. Give me the check.

Hold it! Lois may have had her heart set on this place... but I love my family too much to risk their lives.

Come on, Chris. We're leaving.

No, you're not!

Please don't make me angry, pal. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

[Eerie instrumental music]

Lois: All right, Peter. That's enough!

Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap.

Do you know how hard it was to get a reservation at Cheesie Charlie's?

I had to book it the day of my ultrasound.

We'll never find another place in time!

For once, it was all gonna be so perfect!

Come on, Lois. It'll still be perfect. We'll give him the best birthday ever... right here in the safety and comfort of our own home.

Peter, we've been over this.

Honey, you won't have to lift a finger.

I got us a clown, a cake, a petting zoo, a big-ass piñata, the works!

You got all those things?

You bet I did.

Lois: Wow.

Even Cheesie Charlie's doesn't have a petting zoo.

Okay, I'll call the parents and let them know the party's here.

You don't have any of those things.

How do you know?

Face it. You're a terrible liar.

[Sniffing]

It was you.

Clowns and petting zoos book months in advance.

You're gonna have a tough time finding a... Hold on.

Driver: Ya! Ya!

[Horses neighing]

Some day.

Hey there, little boy. Are you lost?

Stewie: Now, listen to me, Jolene.

I've got an army to raise, and I must get to Nicaragua.

I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. And no pickles!

God help you if I find pickles.

Henry, I have a lost little boy.

Hey there, little fella. Why don't you come with me?

Stewie: Damn you! You're one of them, aren't you?

What are they paying you? I'll double it!

I'll give you whatever you want! Money! Women! Men?

Dad, what are we doing here again?

Pigs, Chris. We're getting pigs for Stewie's petting zoo.

[Blower starting]


[Pig squealing]

[Pigs squealing]

[Motor stopping]

Crafty swine.

UPS.

Little bastards ain't as smart as...

Hi, Mom. This is Jennifer. She gave me a ride home.

Meg, you made a friend.

Jennifer: What a lovely house, Mrs. G.

Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart.

Oh, no. Once you get to know me, I'm really very nice.

You know what's nice? Having a friend like Meg. And kittens.

It was super swell meeting you. Bye, Meg. Friends forever.

Forever and ever.

[Giddy laughter]

Wow! What a great yard!

Guess what, Mom? Jennifer invited me to a party on Saturday.

This Saturday? Meg, you can't miss Stewie's first birthday.

Meg: But Mom...

Meg, our entire family is going to be here for Stewie's party.

And that includes you. Understood?

I can't believe you'd put your family before your own daughter!

She's a whiny little runt, isn't she?

I said "runt."

I don't think I'm in the right place.

I'm looking for a guy to entertain the kids at my son's birthday.

Sure. I can do that.

You do children's parties?

Yeah. I can do, like, a handstand, and some somersaults maybe.

I can make pretend like the children are little bugs in my web.

Do you know your phone number, son?

The only way you'll get me to talk is through slow, painful torture.

And I don't think you've got the grapes!

It sounds like you don't want to go home. Are you running away?

Stewart Gilligan Griffin runs from nothing!

You know, son, running away never solves anything.

You're getting to be a big boy now.

And part of growing up means facing your problems head on.

The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.

You're saying I must return to face this man in white myself. So be it.

As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm... as you spend the next 10 years in frozen carbonite!

Peter, you've only got a couple of hours left.

If you pull a party out of your ass, you'll want to stand up.

My friend Jennifer invited me to hang out with her friends.

Can I go?

I won't fall for this trick. Did you ask your mother?

Yes.

Okay, then. Have fun, sweetheart.

Thanks, Daddy!

Brian, Stewie's birthday is gonna suck.

The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass piñata.

I sure hope candy comes out of that.

Face it, Brian. I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser.

I'll never be able to face Lois.

The circus is in town. Maybe you could run away and join it.

The circus!

[Marching band playing]

[Elephant trumpeting]

Hi. This is the right day, isn't it?

Oh, yes. Peter should be back any minute... and then we can start the party, I hope.

Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party... an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Lois: Peter, this is the most wonderful celebration I could have imagined.

Peter: Yeah. Where's Stewie?

He's upstairs, resting up for his big day.

[Oriental instrumental music]

I'll get him. If you see Meg, tell her to take plenty of pictures.

Meg's not here. She went to a friend's house.

What? She's gonna miss Stewie's birthday.

I dropped her off an hour ago. Boy, is she gonna be sorry, or what?

Peter. How could you let her go?

What's the big deal? So Meg's with her new friends.

They seemed like some nice kids.

Jennifer: I'm glad you could join us. We're gonna have a great time on our trip.

A trip? Like to the beach? Because I didn't bring my swimsuit.

You won't need anything where we're going.

Excuse me. I've gotta go mix the punch.

[Whimsical music playing]

Chris: Birthday dude? Do you want some ice cream?

Yes. But no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!

Come on, Lois. I hate to see you so upset.

We got animals. We got clowns.

I mean, a party couldn't be any better if Jesus himself showed up.

Okay, everybody. For my next miracle, I'm gonna turn water into funk.

[Disco music playing]

Peter, the circus is terrific. But it's not just Stewie's birthday.

We're also celebrating the day our family became whole.

Today means nothing if Meg isn't here.

Meg, you seem sad. Today's a happy day.

I know. It's just that I really like that guy over there.

But he doesn't even know I exist. He must think I'm a total dog.

That is so not true.

Then what is it?

He's a eunuch.

Really?

Sure. All the guys here have been castrated.

It's cool.

Do you think that girl is hot?

No.

Me neither.

[Elephant trumpeting]

Hey, you. Hit me.

There. Now, if I can just find a midget with some gin, I'll be in business.

Where are you off to?

I gotta make things right for Lois and get this monkey off my back.

Peter: Ow! Knock it off!

All right, men, the man in white is coming to put me back in the womb.

Today he comes for me, but tomorrow it could be you or you!

I offer you the opportunity to join me in glorious battle.

I know that for some of you, your motor skills are not developed.

Sadly, you will be used as decoys.

Sadly, you will be used as decoys.

But your children's children will know that you fell for a noble cause.

Now, who's with me?

Duckie?

Useless, every one of you! Fine.

I'll defend myself, and the hell with all of you!

There, I've gone and soiled myself. Are you happy now?

[Gong goes off]

Our leader is here to take us on our journey!

My children, rejoice. The hour of transformation is close at hand.

Who are you?

This is Meg, wise one. Can she come with us?

Perhaps. Do you have a mind that seeks enlightenment... and a heart that seeks purity?

Not really.

Okay. Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance... from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?

Wow, that sort of sounds more like me.

Great! Then all you need is a dark-blue jogging suit.

Let's see what we have in stock.

What are you? About a 9?

No. A 6.

Right. Dispense the refreshments.

Meg, there you are.

Dad, what are you doing here? I'm so embarrassed, I could die!

Guy: Not before the rest of us!

Meg, your mother wants the family together today.

It's just Stewie's birthday. So what if I'm not there?

Who's gonna remember?

Your mom will, trust me. She remembers everything.

In fact, she always says the best memories she has are when you kids were born.

Meg, that's it. This day is more for your mom than it is for Stewie.

With all she's given us, she oughta get whatever she wants.

And, Meg, today she wants you to be with the family.

Really?

Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever.

No you're not, honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds?

I'm sorry I've been so selfish.

Teen 1: I miss my mom.

Teen 2: Me, too.

I also miss my nads.

Mr. Griffin, can we come to Stewie's party, too?

Sure. The more the merrier.

Meg, you have the coolest family.

She sure does.

Here's to family!

To family!

Jeez, look at the time! Come on.

Come on, kids. Let's get going.

[Bodies falling over]

Sorry, Meg.

It's another bunch of people that'd rather fake death... than go to a party with you.

Children, the time of ascension has arrived.

For the love of God. Haven't any of you ever been in a cult before?

Damn it! I can't achieve transcendence by myself.

That would just make me some kind of lone nut.

Somebody's got to die with me.

Come back, Meg!

Whoops. Can't forget my ceremonial white robe.

I guess there's nothing left but the birthday cake.

Meg: Right here!

Meg!

I'm sorry, Mom.

Thank you, Peter.

No problem. I cannot wait to taste this cake.

The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic.

Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.

There were only two left.

And trust me, you did not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.

Lois: Gather round, everyone. It's time for Stewie's big moment.

[Knocking]

Leader: Hello?

Is anybody home?

Stewie: Greetings, man in white. I've been expecting you.

Who said that?

Stewie: Peek-a-boo! I see you!

You're getting warmer.

Where are you? What do you want?

Stewie: Freedom! What do you want?

I want to get the hell out of here!

Stewie: I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all that's left is untimely death.

[Dramatic instrumental music]

What the hell is this?

It's a boy!

[Energy pulsing]

Anybody seen Stewie?

Yeah. Where is the birthday boy?

Victory is mine!

Yes. And this cake is yours, too.

Stewie, make a wish. If you blow out the candle, it'll come true.

That's right, little buddy. What do you want most in the whole world?

In the whole world, you say?

[Bombs whistling]

[Troops marching]

[Bombs exploding]

What the hell.

[Disco music playing]

[Theme music]