01x07 - Brian: Portrait of a Dog

Come on, everyone.

The Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start.

Mary, have you seen Nicholas?

He's up in his room sulking, Dad.

Yeah. He's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards.

Maybe I should make him a sandwich.

[Laughing]

Dad. That's your solution to everything.

[Sister crying]

Dad!

What?

Eight is enough.

[Laughing]

You know, I love you girls.

Lois: [Singing] ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ all the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Splendid.

That hausfrau's cheap rayon blouses will make a serviceable parachute... should I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight.

Once it's built, of course.

Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet?

No, of course you didn't, you worthless little...

There! See what you made me do? Do you think I enjoy hitting you?

Actually, I do. I enjoy it so much I'm going to do it again!

Stewie! My clothes are not for you to play with, understand?

Thanks for telling me, Brian.

I don't know what we'd do without you.

I'm on to you. Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed.

You prance about this house like the cock of the walk.

But will you be prancing when there's nothing to prance about?

Will you be prancing then?

You just want to eat him up.

Meg: It is so hot out there!

How hot is it?

I don't know. Like, around 98, 99.

I don't get it.

I think I'm a little sweaty.

You! You seem to know all the players in this poorly-acted farce.

What do they call that one?

That's Meg, dude. You know that.

Meg! You vile-smelling girl, you're not to touch any of my things!

You understand me? Dirty girl.

Diane: Meanwhile, here at home... Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave.

I don't think you should use the word "freak".

Some people might find it offensive.

Finish your oatmeal, son.

Why bother? I'm just a freak!

We're all a little different, Diane. Each of us.

Good point.

We're even feeling the effects of this heat wave here in our studio.

[Sneezing] Freak. So stay inside and stay cool.

I think I saw one of her nipples!

Chris, that's a terrible word! "Nipple."

I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.

Am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta?

Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services!

Please don't threaten Mommy. She's very hot.

Chris, you're hogging up all the fans!

Yeah? You're hogging up all the ugly!

Check this out, you guys.

Peter: The Rhode lsland Dog Show Championship is in Quahog this year!

First prize is $500!

Really?

If you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner.

Brian. You could win for sure.

You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet.

[Singing] "We were sailing along "On Moonlight Bay We could hear the voices singing They seemed to say"

Sorry. I don't do dog shows. It's not my thing.

Come on. All you gotta do is a few simple commands.

And maybe a trick or two. It'll be like taking candy from a baby.

[Baby gurgling]

Please, Brian.

I don't know. I mean I don't even know where my papers are.

Can't you get the money another way?

I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show.

For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.

Diarrhea.

[Laughter]

What?

Sorry. What is Diarrhea?

Come on, Brian. We really need a new air conditioner.

[Groaning]

Okay, let's go over the commands.

Sit.

Good. Roll over.

I'm already shvitzing like crazy here. Let's call it a night.

Do you want to win this thing or not?

We haven't even talked about how you'll wear your ears.

I was thinking up.

I need a cocktail.

Don't push too hard, Peter.

You gotta take Brian's feelings into consideration.

After all, it's only a dog show.

Lois, honey, I love you... but you're sucking all the energy out of the room.

[Knocking on door]

Come.

I got you a little something for the show.

It's Italian. Do you like it?

It's exquisite.

It's not for every day.

Clearly. I'm gonna put it on right now.

I know how hard you've been working.

And the whole family appreciates it.

Thank you, Lois.

I should go. We'll be waiting downstairs whenever you're ready.

And Brian... you look very handsome.

[Lnhales deeply]

Showtime!

Announcer: Welcome to the Quahog Dog Show. Today's competition will be... almost as hot as the weather, which is once again in the triple digits.

...almost as hot as the weather, which is once again in the triple digits.

[Bird squawks]

Peter, I'm not really comfortable with all this.

Do I know you?

I don't think I can do this.

You can't back out now. How about a pill?

Something to relax you before you go on?

Peter, are you offering Brian drugs?

Not drugs. Just a little blue thing celebrities take to help them perform.

Well, those celebrities are wrong!

Lois, if Liza is wrong, then I don't want to know what right is.

Stagehand: Two minutes to curtain, Miss Minnelli!

Come on, baby! Mama's gotta sparkle! It's time to make life a cabaret!

Lady, for God's sake, I'm just a hard-shelled chocolate candy! Get help!

[Grunting]

You there, child-woman!

I'll give you a shiny dime if you'll roll me into the nearest lake.

Let me see if I can find you a juice box.

And get the lead out, pudgy!

Announcer: Next, Peter Griffin and his dog, "Brain".

We're off to a good start.

[Dramatic instrumental music]

Announcer: A beautiful performance from "Brain" Griffin!

Go, Brian!

[Crowd applauding]

All right, Brian. We got it all sewn up.

What the hell is this?

This? This is the part where you beg for a treat.

I don't think so.

Brian, you're embarrassing me.

God, he can't expect Brian to do that.

It's easier than it looks, Mom.

Come on, Brian. We had a deal.

Yeah? The deal's off.

Me and the little shred of dignity I have left will be waiting in the car!

Brian, come! Don't you walk out on me!

I now command you to leave.

Keep going. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, flip me off. Good boy.

[Giggling]

How could you let me down like that, Brian?

I let you down? Because I refused to demean myself... by perpetuating the stereotype of the good dog?

This is the one thing I ever asked you to do for us.

This and not do that thing where you drag your ass across the carpet.

One time I did that!

Peter, Brian, please.

Let's just have a nice family car ride like we always do.

Yeah. Except for the time Dad hit that deer.

Yeah, it looks like it's just a ding.

There's no reason to involve the insurance companies.

I should still take down your information.

Really? You could probably just buff that out.

Yeah, but I...

I would really feel better if I got your information.

Brian, maybe I had you pegged wrong.

Maybe you really don't care about this family.

If you cared about me, you'd never ask me to do something so degrading.

The next time I ask you to do something, I expect you to do it. Understand?

Who wants to sing show tunes? "In old..."

Brian: Stop the car.

Peter: Is that what you want? Because I'll stop.

Brian: Pull over now.

Peter: Fine.

God. Brian, don't do this.

Is the doggie going bye-bye? I'm so sad.

Quick! Back up!

[Sorrowful instrumental music]

Great. Is there a problem, Officer?

Can I see your license, boy?

"Boy"?

Oh, God. I left it on my other collar.

You been chasing cars tonight, boy?

Look, the name is Brian.

I was just out for a little walk. That's all.

Without a leash.

I'm gonna have to ask you to lie down on the sidewalk. Down!

I don't believe this.

I don't suppose you could let us off with a warning?

Sorry, sir. But leash laws are for his own good.

The fine is $10. You behave, little fella, you hear me?

[Slave voice] Lordy, I'll never roam again!

Jackass.

He's the law outside this house just like I'm the law inside this house.

And you better start obeying both of us.

Look at you.

Big man, can't even afford to buy an air conditioner for your family.

What a bitch.

Diane: Good morning Quahog. The heat wave has finally broken.

It sure has. You know what they say, "If you don't like... the weather in New England, go back where you came from."

I don't think that's the expression.

I guess I had too many bloody marys this morning. But anyway...

[Belching]

God. I hope the boss isn't watching.

[Laughing]

I don't know how those two manage to be so perky in the morning.

Something smells good.

Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube.

[Giggling]

Nothing says "I love you" like something from...

What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch?

These oughta cheer Brian up. Cinnamon buns are his favorite.

Really?

I could've sworn his favorite was "treat Peter like crap" buns.

Lois: Good morning, Brian.

My, your summer coat is really coming in nicely. Isn't it, Peter?

Yeah. Must be that special jojoba shampoo I bought you. It cost a little extra.

But I would do anything for you, Brian.

I'll be on the veranda since you're already on the cross.

Eat with us, Brian. I made cinnamon buns.

May I have one on a plate or is Peter planning to balance it on my nose?

Peter, Brian, stop this.

Can't you two go back to the way you used to be?

[Ragtime music playing]

We can't go back to the way things were after how I was treated.

Not after the things I've seen.

What did you see? Was it breasts?

Get over it, Brian. I mean, how bad do you really have it here?

When I found you, you were just a stray.

You swore you would never speak of that.

No, thank you. I just had it cleaned.

No. Jeez.

All set, sir.

I don't have any change. Sorry.

That's okay. No charge.

[Sad instrumental music]


Wait.

[Stammering]

You hungry?

Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole.

Out of this world.

Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here.

Now just eat your cinnamon bun and stop being a bad dog.

How dare you?

How dare I? Where do you think you're going?

Out!

You're not going anywhere without your leash!

I don't need your damn leash, or you!

I'm going for a walk.

Don't worry. He won't get far without this.

And a pack of Eldorados, unfiltered.

What? That. Yeah. I'll clean that up on my way out.

See that sign?

Now why don't you go tie yourself up to that parking meter?

I don't want any trouble.

Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness?

What do you mean, honey?

You know. Have you ever felt not so fresh?

I'm not sure what you're... I don't follow you.

Have you ever felt like you're dirty?

Down there?

[Exclaiming]

God, no!

That was Brian's favorite commercial.

"Brian"? No, it's not ringing a bell.

Stop it! We all miss him.

Go find him, apologize, and bring him home.

You heard him. He doesn't want to be a part of this family.

We don't need him. We'll get another pet.

No way, Dad. No one can take Brian's place.

Stewie: Silence!

That mongrel is probably decomposing on the side of a dirt road as we speak!

Let's get a kitty!

See, gang? Stewie's got the right idea.

I don't know, Peter.

Lois, trust me.

We'll get a lovable kitty-cat and everybody will feel a lot better.

[Hissing]

Peter: Here, kitty, kitty. Come on down nice and easy.

That's a good kitty.

[Gasping]

What the hell was that?

Something near a window. Preferably a booth.

Yeah, you got 50 Puerto Ricans in the kitchen!

Yeah, that's authentic Italian.

Brian: Don't do that. That's what they expect you to do.

Okay, fine for you. But what about your puppies?

And your puppies' puppies? Am I the only one who's outraged here?

I'm sorry. Enjoy your dinner.

How come you're still setting a place for Brian?

Because when he comes home, I want him to know he never left our thoughts.

I know you're thinking about him, too, Peter.

Look, Lois, he broke his promise to me. Besides, we have a new pet.

And we love our fluffy kitty.

Gross. Did he just drink from the fountain?

Hey, you!

Cop: Stay!

[Dramatic instrumental music]

[Shouting]

Joyce DeWitt? So that's where you've been.

Sorry, pooch. You gotta sleep outside. No dogs allowed in the bus station.

My blind guy's in the john.

I'll point him in your direction.

Peter: Brian's tennis ball.

Man, he loved to play with this thing.

Referee: Double fault!

Come on, Brian.

Peter, why don't you just admit you miss Brian?

You're right, Lois. Who am I kidding? This family needs Brian. I need him.

[Cat howling]

God, I hate this freaking cat.

Can you spare some change?

Why? So you can go buy yourself another bottle of booze?

Why don't you make something of your life, like this dog?

That's me! I mean, that was me.

Man: Yeah, sure.

No, I mean it. That was me.

Get away from me, you crazy animal!

You want me to be a crazy animal? Okay, I'm a crazy animal!

Stop! Help!

Help!

Brian: All right, who wants to be next? You? You?

Brian!

Peter: I'm here to bring you...

Cop: You're going downtown, pal.

...home.

Hi. How's it going?

Oh, God. I know karate!

[Kung fu noises]

[Dog growling]

Look! A tasty little baby!

I see somebody's been neutered.

Come on, sugar. It's time.

Thank God.

He's cute. Aren't you precious? Lethal injection. Next!

What?

Oh, no!

You can't do this!

Who's up for a little lunch? Something festive.

Did someone say Tex-Mex?

I'm sorry, sugar.

Help me.

Don't worry. I'll get you out of this.

I'll get us the best help there is.

Peter: "Dear MacGuyver...

"Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw.

"Please save my dog."

You're looking well.

Don't get too close. They say I'm dangerous.

That's why the man's gonna put me down.

Don't say that, Brian. Peter is working on your appeal.

You'll see. Everything's gonna work out.

I may have been born with my eyes closed, but now I see the world for what it is.

I'm a second-class citizen, Lois.

Great news! The City Council agreed to hear your case!

Brian: You're kidding! If I prepare my case, I might have a chance after all.

I don't know how to thank you.

We're family. This is what we do for each other.

Right, Peter?

Lois: Peter, don't stare!

[Lntense instrumental music]

Good luck, sweetness.

Thanks, Felicia.

This meeting was called... to review the judgment in City of Quahog v. Brian Griffin.

Justice, for all? Or for some?

Does a dog not feel?

If you scratch him, does his leg not shake?

Yes, he is man's best friend. But what manner of friend is man?

I would like to cite the case of Plessy v. Ferguson...

Wait a minute. Why are we listening to a dog?

Take him away!

Does not every dog have his day?

Wait! Please! I gotta say something!

Look, all Brian's ever wanted is the same respect he gives us.

That and Snausages. He's mental for those Snausages.

And sure, sometimes we have arguments, like when he's sleeping on the bed and... Lois is in the "oodmay" but Brian won't "amscray."

Peter...

Okay.

Look. The point is, he's a member of our family first and a dog second.

And I'm real sorry I forgot that, buddy.

Sometimes we all need a second chance.

Sometimes we all need to forgive!

I stole $10 from Meg's room!

I stole $10 from Mom's purse!

I've been making counterfeit $10 bills for years.

Mr. Griffin, this dog is a danger to society.

Albeit an articulate and charismatic one.

But the law is the law and can't be circumvented by pretty words.

I'll give you each $20.

Deal. He can go.

[All cheering]

Stewie: Mistrial, damn you! Mistrial!

[Triumphant instrumental music]

No. Let him go.

Anybody want more pizza rolls?

Yeah. Quiet, Lois. Murder She Wrote.

Charles Montrose, after all these years.

Jessica Fletcher! Why I haven't seen you since you had the...

You can say it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion.

So she's the murderer!

Come on, kids. Bedtime.

Good night, Brian. And welcome home.

Chris: Good night, you guys.

Meg: Good night.

Dog?

Yeah?

If you ever tell anyone about that, I will kill you.

[Theme music]