02x02 - Holy Crap

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ all the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news. The tumor is malignant.

I'm afraid you only have six months to live.

Oh, my God!

Got milk?

Listen up, everybody. Your Grandpa Griffin is finally retiring.

Grandpa Griffin?

Is he the one that smells like firewood and has big gray pussywillows in his ears?

Chris, that's a terrible word. "Pussywillows."

My dad worked at that mill for 60 years. That's almost 80 years.

Tomorrow we'll all go to a big dinner to honor him.

Why? We barely know him.

Yeah. How come he never visits us?

Kids, your grandfather has never been comfortable with the fact... that I'm not Catholic.

Dad loves all of us. He's just too busy working to show it.

He's been that way since I was a kid.

And now the winners of the father-son three-legged race.

First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad. Second place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad.

Third place, Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn.

Now that he's retiring, we can finally spend some time together.

I want us to have one of those father-son moments, like on TV.

Where we hug and the music goes...

Thanks, boys. Just like that.

Can you do that fluttery thing like when the Brady kids run down the stairs?

I don't want to tattle.

But is Bobby really a doctor?

Mom, I can't eat. I'm too grossed out by Grandpa's ears.

I know. They're like a big, gray enchanted forest.

Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross.

And they are certainly not an enchanted forest.

But seriously, tonight we here at Pawtucket Mill celebrate... the career of our oldest and most dedicated employee, Francis Griffin.

Francis.

At mass this morning... it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again.

I just want to say that Jesus loves you.

But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers... who forced a hard-working old man to retire.

So you can take this shiny watch and shove it.

I adore this man!

That was some speech, Dad.

Yeah. It's a shame Grandma wasn't there to hear it.

Bless her heart. She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas.

Hit me, you five-card stud.

Cocktail!

Aye, she's a rose.

It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice lrish Catholic girl, Peter.

Francis, this must be embarrassing for you.

I'm in the car.

Now that you're retired, you're coming to stay with us.

No more excuses. I'm putting my foot down.

Brian, buckle up. What do you say, Dad?

I don't want to be a bother.

It's no bother, is it, Lois?

Of course not. It'll be fun.

You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all.

Maybe you'll just go to purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.

There you go, Lois. You love kids.

Look at that.

Dad's reading Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me.

"So God cast the pagans and sinners into the fiery bowels of Hell... where their flesh burned in agony forever and ever."

The end.

Children love a good bedtime story from the Bible.

Yes, charming. Like when God told Abraham to kill lsaac.

Hey!

That was a lovely service, Francis.

Super. And only three more hours till school.

I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. Mass.

I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. What else haven't you told me?

I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know.

A pestilence here and a plague there. Omnipotence!

Got to get me some of that.

Yes. We all enjoy the Bible in this house.

Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible?

That one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece... and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.

Open this door! Open it, I say!

Sorry, Grandpa.

You might want to give that a minute or two.

I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin!

If you ever do it again, you'll burn in Hell!

But I do it every day. Sometimes twice.

Mark my words, lad.

You may think you're alone, but God's watching.

Don't do it again!

God's watching me do number two?

I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert.

Megan!

How was school?

Good. Kevin walked me home.

Kevin?

He lives next door.

He lives next door to a harlot!

Grandpa, we were just holding hands.

It'll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your heart with leprosy.

He can take it right home with him!

Lord, it's great to see you kids.

Francis, we were watching that.

I'll tell you how it ends. Laura burns the roast... and God kills her for parading her bum around in those pants!

Yeah, not a bad way to kick off your retirement, huh, Dad?

Yeah, the magic of baseball has brought fathers and sons together... for millions of years.

Stewie's having fun.

Why does that man drop his club before he runs around?

I would bring it with me.

Hey, who wants a Fenway frank?

Nothing says, "Please talk to me, Daddy," like a Fenway frank.

Is there a bathroom here? I don't think I can wait anymore.

In a public restroom, lad?

For the good of your soul, show some restraint.

Hey, hot dog guy!

I'll get him.

Oh, no, Dad, they bring them to you.

Well, la-de-da. I don't need my food brought to me.

I'm not a broken-down old mule! I can still work!

I can still take orders!

Oh, hey! Hey, look! Hey, Dad!

Aw, crap. That was money well-spent.

He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?

I don't know. I asked him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.

I don't care if he ever gets back.

I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.

Tom, the city of Boston is examining its conscience tonight... in preparation for a visit from the Pope.

That's right, Diane. I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock.

The Rhode lsland Cock Society is sponsoring free check-ups... for this year's Cock Awareness Week. I don't know why the suggestive name.

They could've just as easily gone with "rooster."

I'm telling you. Something must've happened to him.

He's probably hurt, or lost, or shanghaied by pirates!

That renegade pirate ship captained by the ruthless Peg Leg Swantoon!

Peter, calm down. It's his first night of retirement.

He's probably out enjoying himself.

He's in jail.

Dad, my God, are you okay?

Don't be using the Lord's name in vain!

He's okay! Thank God!

It seems he broke into the old mill after hours.

We found him working on a kick press.

Dad, you left the ball game with me to go work in a mill?

Yes! I want to work! I want my job back!

But, Dad, you're retired.

I'd rather be dead.

I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville. You know what killed it? Talkie pictures.

But you can still make it. You just need a gimmick.

I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round-off.

Hey, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.

I don't get it, Lois. Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding.

It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own.

I hate to say this... but it doesn't seem like your dad is interested in bonding with you.

All he cares about is work.

Wait a second. Work! That's what'll bring us together.

We can start our own father-son business.

What are you doing with all them bathtubs, you heathen dummy?

Pop, why you gotta be like that?

We cut 'em in half, stick a Virgin Mary in them and sell them as shrines.

That's my boy. At least, that's what your mama always told me.

Now give me a hug before I give you a knuckle sandwich.

Or you could just get your father a job with you at the toy factory.

That's an even better idea! Lois, you're a genius.

Now give me a hug before I give you a knuckle sandwich.

Peter, I can't hug you.

Cut it out. I'm serious.

And this is the nerve center of the whole factory, my station.

I assemble our new action figure, Zeke, the moody drifter.

You mean to tell me you stand here all day playing with dolls?

It's not easy. See, I gotta twist on his head... and stick a tiny pack of smokes in his torn denim jacket.

Any of you kids want to see a dead body?

Wait here, Dad.

Hey, Mr. Weed?

Peter.

Listen, I was wondering if you might have a job for my dad.

Your father? He must be a man of at least 70.

Oh, yeah. But he's in great shape. Except his prostate.

At 2:00 a.m. Last night, I thought a horse was using the bathroom.

All finished. What's next?

You did my whole day's work in five minutes.

We should sell you to the circus, you freak!

I've never seen such productivity. How is this possible?

I'll tell you how it's possible.

Because this man always put his job before everything else.

His wife, his health, even his own son.

Especially his own son.

I need hear no more. Everyone, this is your new shop foreman.

Welcome aboard, sir. Lead as you see fit.

Dad, after all these years, you and me together, side by side, father and son.

Peter, this is truly a miracle. I'm so grateful.

Hold that thought. Hey, boys, you're on.

Go ahead, Dad.

Thank you, Jesus.

I have a purpose in life again.

Hey! Break up the sewing circle and get back to work!

My, my. What a thumping good read!

Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours.

I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.

Please don't say "pooh."

Are you all right? Where's your father?

Still at the factory. He's turning the break room into a chapel.

A chapel? Where will you all eat lunch?

Lois, lunch is a sin. Taking a break is a sin.

Bestiality is a sin.

I'm not sure how that came up exactly, but me and Dad have never been closer.

Having him at the factory is the best...

I got it.

Your dad stinks.

I'm working triple shifts, and I'm still not Employee of the Week.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

Where is he anyway?

This'll be for my fourth birdie. Looks like someone's in the zone.

Tough break there, Jesus.

Yup. Or was it?

Boo-yah!

Back to work, all of you! What's going on here?

Dad, some of the guys think that... since you took over, work is no fun.

Work's not supposed to be fun.

Why not?


Why not?

That's Satan talking! You're a failure as a worker and as a father!

Now wait a minute. I may not be perfect.

At least I love my kids enough not to spend every minute of the day working!

I'm a damn good father, and that's more than I can say about you!

Peter, you've never spoken to me like that before.

You're fired!

Well, in that case, I'm suing you for sexual harassment.

I'll see you at home.

What are you doing, lad? Nothing!

Something's wrong with your shower. The water's not cold enough.

I like me showers colder than a well digger's kerblocken.

I think it's time someone sits his kerfluffin' down... and has a talk with his unemployed son.

If he needs to talk... he'd best go to confession to beg forgiveness for all his failings!

Have a glorious day.

How can you just sit there and let him talk like that?

He's right, Lois. I am no good.

Even my own dad doesn't love me. Face it. I'm going to Hell.

Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet... so I ripped her in half like a phone book.

Yes, the fat man's going to Hell.

And from the looks of his midsection, he'll burn like a tire dump for all eternity.

Oh! I love God!

He's so deliciously evil.

Stewie, eat your oatmeal. Honey, you're a wonderful husband... a loving father, and, for some reason I'll never understand... a very devoted son.

That's a nice thought, Lois, but sadly, it means nothing coming from you.

The moment has arrived at last.

We now go live to Logan lnternational Airport... where the Pope's plane has just touched down.

Hello, Boston!

Are you ready to humble... yourself before God?

What? Have you all taken a vow of silence?

Come on!

Then put your hands together for the one, the only... His Holiness, the Pope!

Hey, I just got a crazy idea!

Why? Why?

Hey, I just got another crazy idea!

Hey, did you ever notice this? On page 375, it says "Jebus."

It's supposed to be "Jesus," right?

Room service!

We didn't order no room service.

Actually I just wanted to check the honor bar.

The last Pope we had here filled his shaving kit with Necco wafers.

All right, wise guy, who are you?

I'm just a faithful Catholic man... with a family crisis only His Holiness can resolve.

I've never asked the church for anything, but I don't know where else to turn.

Dust him!

My heavens, son! Are you okay?

Yeah. I just got bounced by the Pope's road crew.

It's good you missed me. I'm to drive the Popemobile.

Any slight bump on the head knocks me unconscious for a few hours.

I always wake up fine, but it's just so darn inconvenient... to be knocked out that easily. Even by the slightest tap. Like this.

Taking it off here, Boss.

Take it off there, Luke.

Wiping it off, Boss.

Wipe it off, Nine.

Waving at the Pope here, Boss.

Wave at the Pope there, Luke.

Are you sure this is Boston?

Yeah, it's Boston. See, look, there's Harvard.

That's just a barn.

Someone went to Yale.

Lois, put the coffee on.

Careful. I just cleaned the floor.

Good thing.

Lemony.

Your Holiness, this is such an honor.

Please, go into the living room and make yourself at home!

What is the Pope doing here?

Relax. I just hijacked his bubble car so he can convince my dad I'm a good guy.

You kidnapped the Pope?

This is the most reckless thing you've ever done!

Come on. What about the time I was on that airplane?

Peter, you've raised a fine family.

Well, my dad thinks I'm a screw-up. I was hoping you could change his mind.

He'd have to believe you. You're God's go-to guy.

Your father is entitled to his opinion.

But more important is what you think.

Look deep in your heart, my son.

Do you think you're a screw-up?

No. I'm not. You know what? I'm a damn good father.

I have great kids. That's not what Grandpa says.

Grandpa is wrong.

Meg, it's not a sin for a girl your age to like boys.

Thanks, Daddy.

And Chris, what you do in the bathroom is between you and God.

And if you're sorry, he'll forgive you.

Thanks, Dad!

Good for you, Peter.

But isn't there someone else you should speak to?

Yes, there is.

Scarecrow, you've had brains all along.

Same goes for your heart, Tin Man.

And Kristy McNichol, come back to television. We miss you.

I meant you should talk to your father.

You're right. You with me, big guy?

Peter, I go where I am needed.

To the Popemobile!

Remember when we brought in that stripper for Lombardi's birthday... and it turned out to be his son? I think this is gonna top it.

Wow, it's the Pope!

Slothful sinners! You're here to work, not sit around with your...

Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father.

I am not worthy.

Rise, my son.

You are indeed worthy, for you have raised a fine son.

His zest for life is an affirmation of God's great love within us all.

Wow! And that's from the freakin' Pope!

So I guess you were wrong about me, Dad.

I was wrong all right.

Stand by, boys.

I was wrong about you!

You've gone soft on me, Holy Father!

Even a tambourine-shaking Baptist could tell this boy's no good!

Are you calling me a liar?

Whoah, easy, Pontiff.

Because I'll excommunicate your sorry...

Okay, time out.

Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man!

You must have the patience of a saint.

Well, he's my dad. And I just want him to love me.

Peter, how could you say such a thing?

I love you with all me heart.

You do?

Of course.

I just don't like you. I don't like anything about you!

Keep playing. I think this is as good as it gets.

Dad, to be honest, I don't like you either.

Jeez, that's a terrible thing to say. I guess I am going to Hell.

The good Lord said to honor thy father.

He never said anything about liking him.

Well, in that case, Dad... I'm gonna eat meat on Fridays, golf on Sundays... laugh at Jewish comedians, and yes, sleep with my Protestant wife.

But I won't enjoy it. And she hates it.

Well, fine. I'll be on me way.

Take back your job, and give your old man a hug.

I love you, Dad.

I know you do, Son.

What are you gonna do now?

I don't know.

I guess the good Lord doesn't have much use for an old man like me.

I suppose I could use another pair of hands on my tour.

You'd give Dad a job, even knowing what a jerk he is?

I have to. As you said, Peter, "I am the freakin' Pope."

All right, get back!

No flash photography, or you'll go straight to Hell! You!

You're in God's house, you heathen!

Take that cap off before I take it off for you!

I think your father found the perfect job.

Let's hope so. I love being a good father.

But I don't want to have to be a good son again for a long, long time.

Peter, open the door, and break out the schnapps!

Guess who needs a place to sleep it off for the weekend?

Mom?

Oh, my God, no!

Quick, everyone! Into the pod!