03x08 - The Kiss Seen Around the World

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ is v*olence in movies and sex on TV. ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ all the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Oh, my, this place is enormous.

They got these plastic disc g*ns. I haven't seen one since Cleveland's wedding.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the joining of these two people... in the bonds of holy matrimony, consecrated before God Almighty.

Hey, Stratego. I used to love this game.

Oh, my God. Abe Vigoda?

Go bother Steve Guttenberg. He's behind the Chinese chequers.

Abe, shut up!

Look at me, Chris. I'm Yanni sans the attitude.

My God, that's amazing.

You are so talented.

Huh?

Wait a second. Something's not right here.

You were just making it look like you were playing. You're a phony!

Hey! This guy's a great big phony!

Come on, Chris.

Agh!

There you are.

Hey, you're a great big phony, you know that?

Your mom and I have something for you.

Let me guess. Another colourful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn until - big shock - a jack pops out.

And you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Surprise, honey.

A trikey!

I think he likes it.

When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonet up my nose, it tickles my brain.

Ow! Oh. Now I don't know math.

Give it to me now, dammit!

Not now, Stewie. When we get home.

That's right. You're a big fat phony!

What I'm about to show you is a fight scene from Star Trek, season one, episode 18.

I'm going to identify when it's Shatner and when it's his stunt double, Fred Lubbins.

Let's watch.

That's Shatner. That's Lubbins. That's Shatner. That's Lubbins.

That's Shatner. That's Lubbins.

That's Shatner, but when I freeze-frame, you can clearly see Lubbins' coffee cup.

He is the biggest dork on the planet.

Totally.

And so, because of his rough-and-tumble style of command, Captain Kirk is clearly superior to Jean-Luc Picard.

Any questions? Meg?

No. Leave me alone.

Thank you, Neil, for that irrelevant presentation.

We all know Captain Picard is the superior officer.

Ugh!

Mr Lassenbee's getting arrested.

What in God's name...? Mr Lassenbee, what the hell's going on here?

There's a law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.

This stupid country.

Tom Tucker, live at James Woods High School with this sensational breaking story.

A teacher caught molesting children... with crackpot theories. Full story at 11.

And out.

Oh, my God! That's Tom Tucker from the news.

Hey, kids. Remember, Mr T says "I pity the fool who does dr*gs. "

Better hurry up, Mr Tucker.

I'm coming.

Reports indicate she has consumed a record amount of seamen.

Sounds like one powerful hurricane.

In other news, school board elections took place last evening.

Fred Johnson leads candidate Betsy LaFoe by a substantial...

Hi, Meg. You know how cute I think you are.

...turmoil when President Bush stuck his finger in a socket.

Whoa!

Yikes. Awkward.

...that's where leprechauns hide their gold. More at 11.

Hey, you know who lives in this house? A great big phony! That's right.

A phony lives here. A big fat phony!

I say, look at me. I feel like a regular grease monkey.

Remember that time I had that Mustang?

Oh, yeah, you took her for a spin that time.

That was awesome.

Those chowderheads on the corner busted your stones.

Hey, your sister say anything about me?

Oh, my God. I'm missing the news!

We all miss The News, Meg.

But Huey Lewis needs time to create. We have to be patient.

And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today.

Really? 64?

Yes.

I thought she was dead.

She's alive.

Fantastic. And now this.

Are you a student interested in the glamorous world of unpaid internships?

If so, you can try out for Channel Five's young anchor programme.

Oh, wow!

You'll gain valuable experience, work closely with Tom and me, and produce your own on-air report.

So call us now.

Yeah!

Question number one: Would you consider growing a moustache?

I guess so.

Question two: Look at my moustache.

Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them?

I don't know.

Wrong. The answer is: Only slightly, only slightly. Next.

Oh, God, I can't hire any of these girls.

They're all too pretty. Their breasts are too perky.

Perfect.

Congratulations. You got the job.

Oh, my God! Oh, thank you, thank you! This is beyond anything I've ever dreamed of!

You and your partner will start tomorrow after school.

Great! Who's my partner?

Hey, there, hot stuff!

Well, well. It appears the Fates have conspired in our favour. Eh, Meg?

Stay away from me, Neil. Just because we're working together does not mean I like you. Give it to me!

What's that?

Give it to me, Neil.

Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil.

Yeah. That'll work just fine.

Ugh!

Look who's here. It's our bright-eyed young interns.

Did you two wear your eager caps?

I sure did, Mr Tucker.

Great. Cos you two are gonna have so much fun!

Don't act any cheerier. You'll give us all diabetes.

Bite me, Tom.

Come on, kids.

Here's where we produce our celebrity interviews.

I did one with Dustin Hoffman. He's almost impossible to book.

Dustin, it's been a while. I gotta say, you look great.

Are you trying to seduce me?

I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great.

Uh-oh. Twelve minutes to Wapner.

I understand your hectic schedule.

We appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studio.

If there's anything I can ever do for you...

Bring me Peter Pan!

I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.

He's this tall.

Can you believe it? Our little Stewie learning to ride his first tricycle.

This'll be more exciting than when Brian taught me about Columbus.

Where are we going?

We're going to visit the year 1492.

That's when Columbus set sail for the New World.

We're on a ship.

This is the Santa Maria.

Columbus took it to find a route to lndia.

Any sign of lndia yet?

Nothing yet.

Columbus was going to America.

Columbus discovered America entirely by mistake.

Wow!

What are you doing? Back off, fat man.

Hang on, Stewie.

What the...? Hey, hey, let go. Get your filthy paws off.

Let go. Let go, I say. Let go. Don't let go!

Oh, this is exhilarating.

Go, Stewie!

Yay, Stewie!

I gotta go check on dinner. You keep taping Stewie. Don't miss a moment.

I got it.

Look, it's dancing with me.

It's this incredibly benevolent force that wants me to know there's no reason to be afraid.

Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, it makes my heart burst.

It's just some trash blowing in the wind!

Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is?

Hi, Mr Tucker. I brought you Rice Crispy Treats. I remember you said you liked them.

Look. This one is in the shape of a heart.

I'm sorry, but there's a handsome man in my spoon. Come back later.

Oh, my God. Meg's in love with Tom Tucker!

Try to move in on my woman, will you, Tom Tucker?

No one crosses Neil Goldman and gets away with it.

I added something to your coffee I don't think you're gonna like.

Here's your coffee, Mr Tucker.

What the hell is in this?

Sweet'N Low. That's for trying to steal my woman!

Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked.

Yes, sir.

Nice bike.

That's the understatement of the century.

It's cool. Too cool for you.

No, no. I think it's right where I'm at.

Out of my way!

Oh, I see. Oh, yes, I suppose you do have to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues.

Well, then, I'll just wait right here till you get back.

Where the devil is he?

You've obviously never met a bully.

What do you mean?

He wasn't taking it for a test ride, he was just taking it.

You... you mean...?

Mm-hm.

He... stole... my trikey?

Mr Tucker, has anyone ever told you your eyes are...

Hang on, sweetie. I've gotta call Peter Jennings and reschedule our golf game.

This is Peter. You know what to do.

Mr Tucker, Miss Simmons, there's a nut on top of Town Hall with a high-powered r*fle.

The gunman's been identified as the Mass Media m*rder*r who targets the press.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Mass Media m*rder*r?

I think this would be a fine opportunity to give our interns real-world experience.

That means you'll get to ride in the news chopper. I'm so jealous.

Better put in for some new interns. Good luck!

I've got Hugh Downs up here.

I'm gonna splatter his distinguished career all over the pavement.

Hey, why me? Why the media?

I've got my reasons.

Dan Rather thinks he can condense a whole day's events into a half-hour.

Don't get me started on that arrogant jerk.

Really? You know him?

I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody.

In fact, he's down there.

Where?

Ha-ha! See ya later, sucker! And by the way, Rather is an OK guy in small doses.

Look how close we're getting, Meg.

Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat!

Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down!

Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced!

I never got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort!

My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste!

I never even had my first kiss!

It's not too late, Meg.

I'm here for you.

Time to sign off.

Remember me, dirt bag?

Wow! You saved those kids' lives, Mr Downs.

All in a day's work. If you ever need me, just blow this whistle, or call John Stossel's cellphone.

Hugh Downs away!

Honey, thank God you're safe. We were so worried.

We now go to junior anchor Neil Goldman with exclusive footage from today's exciting scene.

Thank you, Diane. There may have been some commotion on the rooftop, but the real story was inside the mouths of Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman, where a meeting of the tongues, a summit of saliva, established a new world order of love.

Agh!

Let's watch it one more time in super slow-mo.

This is where we cease to be Meg and Neil and begin life anew as Meil.

Oh, my God. He put it on TV?

Isn't that cute, Peter? Our daughter's first love.

I just want to k*ll myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.

I'm allergic to peanuts!

You don't know anything about me!

Who was that guy?

Constable, I'd like to report the theft of my tricycle.

Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute! Where's your mommy?

How dare you condescend to me? I demand justice!

I'm here to turn myself in. I have a dismembered hooker bleeding in my trunk.

Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute! Where's your mommy?

Where did you get that shirt?

From Neil.

Hello, lover.

Neil, what are you doing? I'm not your lover. I don't even like you.

Meg, I strongly suggest you hold my hand, lest you look like a slut.

Tell these people that there's nothing going on between us.

Oh, don't be afraid of the fire, Meg. I won't let you burn.

Al, why haven't I leaped?

Ziggy says you can't leap until she loves you back.

Don't worry, I'll get her.

What do you want to work on? Cardio? Upper body?

Upper body. I need to get buff, so I can get my tricycle back.

Luckily, we're running a special for the next 17 minutes.

OK. That's a little unusual but... OK, tell me.

The normal plan is 78 months at 40 a month and 200 down. Watch this.

Forget the down.

Yeah.

Goodbye 40 a month, let's do 35.

35. That's the cheapest?

Yeah, hang on, hang on.

Trace, can you bring me some free gym bags?

I could probably just do some push-ups at home.

Let's start you off with a body-fat test, maybe a heart rate.

You're not hearing me. I don't think this is for me. Thanks, anyway.

And for the future, you came on a little strong.

What's going on here?

We invited Neil's family over for dinner.

Hi.

Hello.

You what?!

To get to know 'em better.

Seeing as you two will one day bless our home with the pitter-patter of grandchildren as ugly as sin.

Meg, you never told me your mother was such a stone-cold fox.

Now I see where you get it.

Meg, he's so charming.

My name is Chris.

I'm supposed to be on my best behaviour tonight and not mention poo.

Oh, God, what have I done?!

Well, let's eat.

I think it's very, very nice that our children had this wonderful kiss.

I remember when Muriel and I had our first kiss, and it was just awful.

Oh, just awful. We were both very sick. Weren't we, dear?

Ugh, we were terribly sick.

We were both 14 and it was winter and we had terrible head colds.

Mine especially was very bad. I had terrible mucus coming out from inside my nose.

And the other children, they were very nasty to me.

They said bad, hurtful things to me.

They called me Tasty Cakes, and they would b*at me and stick pine cones in my ass.

Those were very bad times.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Thank you very much.

Excuse me. I'm gonna go throw up.

Please flush the toilet twice.

Once for the bulk, and again for the remainder. Thank you. Oh, she's a dear.

You're blocking my light, you stupid baby!

My hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a fruitless attempt to resolve our unpleasantness.

But then it dawned on me. Your cruelty merely stems from a deep-seated inner pain.

The obvious remedy is a healthy dose of outer pain!

Children washing cars to raise money for charity. Is anything more arousing?

We go to Meg Griffin for a special Channel Five junior anchor segment on the moon.

The moon. There's a reason no one goes there. It's cold, and it's ugly.

Its surface is plagued with craters and jagged peaks.

Oh, wait! That's not the moon. It's Neil Goldman's face.

Recently, many of you saw me kissing this freak of nature.

If I wasn't seconds away from death, I wouldn't have done it.

I mean, who in their right mind would? I went to the streets to find out.

Would you kiss this guy?

Ugh! No!

No way!

No!

No!

Oh, God, no! What's the matter with you? Oh!

It's official. Neil Goldman isn't kissable.

Hear that, Neil? I don't like you. I never will! Back to you, Tom.

Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this.

Well, well. Isn't this a darling picture!

Let me go, man!

How old are you, Charlie?

Seven.

Seven? Well, my, my. You're practically a lady.

Ironic that your fate is in the hands of an infant.

Now tell me where my tricycle is!

I don't know. I lost it.

Agh!

I have other ways of obtaining the truth.

No! Don't!

Stewie? Look what I found.

My trikey!

What's going on down here?

We're playing house.

That boy is all tied up.

Roman Polanski's house.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story: The president has been sh*t.

Tragedy strikes the nation. The president has been sh*t.

Why's the president in this casket? We'll tell you.

Nice job on that report last night.

Wow! Thanks, Mr Tucker.

That means so much coming from someone so handsome.

How'd you like to pick up my dry-cleaning?

Sure. But isn't that Neil's job?

Little jerk hasn't been in all day.

He hasn't?

A breaking story! A geek is on top of Town Hall! He's about to jump!

Oh, my God! Neil!

Is it Neil?

I've been calling him Ned all week.

Oh, my God! Neil, please don't jump.

I was just a piece of eye candy that she turned into an all-day sucker.

Mr Tucker! Thank God you're here! Someone's got to do something! He'll fall!

I'm on it. Have that cartoon sound-effect guy cue up the...

Top it off with a...

And if there's time, be ready with a... "Wah, wah, wah, wah.

You don't care about him at all, do you?

All you care about are your stupid ratings! You're a horrible man!

Neil, I'm sorry!

Meg?

There he goes!

Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff!

Neil!

Meg! You do care!

Don't read too much into this, Neil.

It's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you.

Just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet, and I'm not the only one who thinks so, doesn't mean I want you to k*ll yourself.

Thanks, Meg. But I was never really planning to jump.

Wasn't gonna jump? You're a phony!

Hey, everybody! This guy's a great big phony!