03x12 - To Live and Die in Dixie

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ is v*olence in movies and sex on TV. ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ all the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Hi, Chris.

Hi, Barbara.

I'm having a birthday party. I was hoping you could come.

Oh, no! Someone peed in my pants!

You're funny. Well, I hope you can make it.

Your friend's party sounds like fun, Chris.

But I hope the cake's better than the last party I went to.

Oh, God. Coconut.

I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift. What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg?

Oh... well...

My boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch.

And this diamond tiara. And this wonderful sceptre.

She needs to get laid, big-time.

I read a book saying women are from Venus, so here's what you get her.

Layers of sulphuric acid, viscous surface rock, and coronae, which seem to be domes over large magma chambers. Here's five dollars.

That's OK, Dad. I was thinking about getting a paper route so I could buy her gift myself.

I think that's very sweet, honey.

Oh, boy. I remember my first job. I was in a folk music trio.

Hey, how about "Here's To You, Mrs Fleckenstein"?

You've been pitching that for an hour. It's not an attractive name.

Oh, fine.

I suppose we're also not going with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Lawry's Seasoning Salt".

That's it. I'm going to Nam.

Hey, there, young fella. Bringin' me good news today?

What?

Come on over here, son.

Hand me the paper, so I don't need to use my grabber.

Mm.

That's a nice muscly throwin' arm you got.

Uh, thanks.

Got a nice tip for you right here in my pocket, but my arthritis...

Why don't you reach in and fish it out for yourself?

That's OK, mister. I don't collect till the end of the month.

I'll see you tomorrow. Weird.

I hope you like it.

Wow, perfume. That is so sweet.

It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. So I guess you'll smell of bourbon and Vicodin.

That's very thoughtful.

Can I spray some on you?

Ow! My eyes!

They're beautiful.

Just get away from me, Chris!

I'm so awkward!

Hey, muscly-arm. Why the long face?

It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or somethin'.

Aw, who needs 'em? You like Popsicles?

Well, sure.

Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles. Mm.

No, thanks. I gotta get goin'.

Don't make me beg, now.

You're funny. Bye.

Get your fat ass back here.

This is a hold-up. Open the register.

It only opens when you make a sale.

All right, then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles.

"Financial transaction benefits you today. " Oooh!

Weird!

All right! A bike! I'm outta here.

Your parents are on their way, but since time is a factor here we'd like to get an ID quickly.

Are you sure he can't see me?

Absolutely, Chris. You're 100% safe.

OK. That's him. Number six.

Hi. Excuse me, you guys. I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin.

He's here to finger the guy who held up that store. Maybe you've seen him. Chris Griffin.

Wait a second, I got a picture of him somewhere. Here you go.

Hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. I was gonna throw that one out anyway.

Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears on the back.

We're so proud of you, Chris, for helping to put that horrible man in jail.

You couldn't have said it was Céline Dion, huh?

Our chance to put that showboating Canadian wench behind bars and you blow it.

We now return to the "E! True Hollywood Story: ALF".

By the third season I was completely wasted all the time.

I'd lost all control of my bodily functions.

They had to cut the crap out of my fur before each taping.

But, uh, would I do it all again?

We interrupt this programme for a news story.

Now over to Rhode lsland State Penitentiary and Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa. Tricia?

I'm at this maximum-security facility, where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape.

Sir, do you have any plans now that you're out of jail?

Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna k*ll Chris Griffin!

Good Lord!

Can they really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?

You wanna remove us from the area?

This man will stop at nothing. We're placing you all in the Witness Protection Program.

Is Europe an option? I've always wanted to spend a year in Prague teaching English.

Slacking off, but really getting to know myself.

Until we catch this guy, you'll be relocated to the Deep South.

The Deep South?

Where the black guys are really lazy, and the white guys are just as lazy but they're mad at the black guys for being lazy?

Jenkins and I have been assigned to live here and watch your house.

He's a slovenly liberal and I'm a fastidious conservative.

I smell a sitcom!

I suggest you start packing immediately.

I can't believe I have to change schools because of you. This is all your fault, Lardo.

Me? I had nothing to do with it.

I meant Chris.

Oh. Yeah, Lardo.

Look, everybody. Here we are. The town of Bumblescum.

This is our house?

Come on, Meg.

I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap.

What's that smell?

It's either bad meat or good cheese.

There's a penny underneath that couch.

Somebody's in the closet!

You know you're a redneck when your g*n rack has a g*n rack on it.

You suck!

Oh, my. Well, it's too hot to cook anyway. Peter, what's the upstairs like?

There's a Crunch Berry under the fridge.

Mom, Chris found a jar in the basement and it has a hand in it.

I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows.

Well, at least the TV gets decent reception.

Must be some kind of nature show.

Help! Help! Get it off! Aaargh!

Great. We're here five minutes and Dad gets mauled by a rodent.

This place is horrible.

OK, everybody calm down.

We don't know anything about this community.

I bet if we explore the town we'll each find something about it we like.

That's a great idea. I just gotta hit the can.

I think there's just an outhouse.

Hey, Lois? I don't get how this works. It's just a hole.

I don't think it goes anywhere.

No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere.

Aaaargh!

Oh, God!

Oh, it's everywhere! Aaaaargh!

It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!

Excuse me, do you have an ATM?

Over there, ma'am.

How much you wanna take out?

40 dollars.

There's a service charge of a buck 50. Do y'all accept?

Yes.

Mm. You smell like the inside of my momma's purse.

Thank you.

What are those dulcet tones? Why, this is the music of the angels!

What is that magical device?

Banjo.

Pluck that string.

Oh, I feel so deliciously white-trash. Mommy, I want a mullet!

All right, that about does it.

Isn't she beautiful, Brian?

The Duke boys would be proud.

Yeah, and you gotta get in through the window, like this.

OK, now you.

Oh, sorry. I forgot to roll yours down.

You all right?

Hello?

Wake up, sleepyhead.

Hi.

Hi.

Are you mad at that pond?

sh**t, no.

'Course, this pond did k*ll my grandpappy.

He saw his reflection, thought it was him and drowned trying to save himself.

That's why Mom doesn't let me look in the toilet.

I'm Sam.

I'm Chris.

Sam, come on in, now.

Well, I gotta go help my daddy bring in the mud harvest. Nice making your acquaintance.

Oh, my God, I'm drowning!

That was Merle Haggard with "I Kissed My Sweetie With My Fist". Next...

There's one. Let's jump that.

Yeee-haaa!

That was great! Next time, let's get Meg to be Boss Hogg and Chris can be Anus.

Enos.

What'd I say?

Anus.

Class, we have a new student joinin' us.

Everyone, please welcome Megan Griffin, from the North.

What's it like there? Y'all got them talkin' pictures?

And flyin' machines?

And perfume for your armpits?

We sure do.

Wow.

All right, that's enough questions for Megan. Time to hand back last week's spelling tests.

And it looks like Oinky's set the curve again.

Dang.

That is some smart pig.

Good thing I copied off Oinky.

Ta-da! Possum surprise.

Actually, I made it with Shake 'n Bake.

And I helped.

Kids, where's your father?

Yeee-haaa!

What the hell are you doing?!

Blendin' in. Relax, Lois. It's not our house.

I'm glad you're having fun, but we need money. Have you thought about a job?

Yes, Lois, I have. But I've also thought about getting fired from that job.

Is that something you wanna put our family through? Think about that while I get a drink.

Aaagh! Aaargh! Oh, God! Aaagh!

It's right up here past this clearing.

He's been here about three months now.

Wow.

Where do you think you go when you die?

I learned at church that if you're good you go to heaven.

If you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still livin' and they pray for death, but death won't come.

UPN?

You're funny. I like you, Chris.

I like you too, Sam.

Wanna poke him?

Do I?!

You know, it's true. The best things in life really are free.

I don't know. Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.

You always blow it in the interview.

So, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?

Don't say "Doing your wife. "

Doing your... son?

Hey, Brian. Look at that.

Y'all interested? We take turns being sheriff. You just hang out here, eat pie and get drunk.

Hold on a second. "Pie"? "Drunk"? "The"?

You got yourself a sheriff!

Boy, it's so quiet around here.

I know.

The phone hasn't rung all day.

I kn... I know. There's nothin'... nothin' to, um... to, uh... um... uh... Oh, boy, what's the word I'm looking for? Do.

Brian, you're drunk. You're drunk.

Give me your keys.

What is this, Dad?

A Southern tradition, son.

It's a re-enactment of the Civil w*r.

Robert E Lee. I knew I'd find you here, where they seat the sorry-ass losers.

Ulysses S Grant, you invite me to lunch then show up an hour late, drunk?

I was busy lookin' for your wife, to give her the old...

Sir, this means w*r.

I am vanquished.

I hereby declare victory in the name of the Confederacy.

Excuse me. I don't think that's how it happened.

I'm pretty sure the North won.

What are you sayin'?

That drunken idiot kicked your sorry asses south of the Donna Dixon Line.

We don't take kindly to that sort of talk, mister.

And I sure as sh**t don't want your kid hangin' round with my kid.

And if you think I'm mad now, you gotta answer to them Civil w*r survivors.

Wait! Look over there! It's an interracial gay couple burning the American flag!

Get 'em!

I guess we can't hang out any more.

I guess not.

That sucks, cos I really like spending time with you.

Me too.

What are you doing?

Them Griffin boys better grow some wings, or start flappin' their arms.

Lost 'em!

Blasted Lincoln-lovers.

Anyone seen my foot?

Man, was last night weird. I kissed a boy! But I really like him as a friend. His name is Sam.

You kissed Sam last night?

How did you know?

You said it out loud. I heard you in the other room.

The weird thing is, kissing Sam kind of felt right.

But I don't know if I can face him again. Brian, what should I do?

I haven't been this confused since the end of No Way Out.

How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?

Argh! How do I sh**t? How do I sh**t?

Press B button.

Telegram for Chris Griffin.

He's not here.

Where is he?

I can't release that information.

Oh, did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister.

Oh, well, if it's for Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address.

What are you doing?

You were busy. I played your guy.

I didn't wanna play.

So it's good for everybody.

I'm gonna draw boobs on the Etch A Sketch.

They'll end up square.

Oh, hi, Chris.

Hey.

Um, listen, Sam. I like hangin' out with you and all, it's just that I don't want a romantic relationship.

But I'd like it if we could still be friends.

I'd like that too. Wanna go for a swim?

Sure.

You're a girl?!

Of course I am.

Oh, my God!

Warm out today.

Warm yesterday.

Even warmer today.

"Met her on my CB, said her name was Mimi Sounded like an angel come to earth Come to earth When I went to meet her, man, you should have seen her Twice as tall as me, three times the girth Girth Oh, my fat baby loves to eat Loves to eat A big old Buddha belly and her breasts swing past her feet My fat baby loves to eat My big ole fat-ass baby loves to eat I got blisters on my fingers!

A drop more of the shine, my dear?

Yes, please.

You know, the kids are gonna be at that town social for a while.

I think I know where you're going.

Aaagh! Aaagh! Oh, God! Aaagh! Aaagh!

Hello?

Hello, Mrs Griffin? Yeah. Shh! Shut up! You guys, shut up!

Yeah, this is the FBI, calling from your house.

Oh, hi. How is everything?

Good, good. Real good.

Listen, promise you won't be mad, and it's probably nothing, but you know that criminal who's after your son? He might know where you guys are.

What?! Peter, that criminal is on his way here to k*ll Chris. We gotta call the sheriff.

Holy crap. I'm on it, Lois.

Sheriff's office. Yes, this is Peter Griffin. I'd like to report a criminal coming into town.

I'm sorry, could you repeat your name? Yes, it's Peter Griffin. G-r-i-f-f-i-n.

You're the sheriff?

One sec, honey. I'm on the phone.

Who's that? My wife.

Peter, Chris is in danger!

Do something! Round up a posse.

Yeah, well, see, I kinda pissed off the whole town at that Civil w*r re-enactment.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know, Lois.

But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar.

Now here's Roy.

Sure is a ding-dang of a hoedown.

Uh-uh. This here's a hootenanny.

Hoedown!

Hootenanny!

Hoedown!

Hootenanny!

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Oh, and to the owner of a John Deere tractor, you're parked on top of a pig.

John Deere tractor on top of a pig.

Sam, can I talk to you?

Sure. But why aren't you lookin' at me?

Well, that's the thing. I'm no good at talking to girls. That's why I ran away from you.

You didn't have trouble talkin' to me when you thought I was a boy.

Yeah, that's true.

Just pretend I'm a boy.

OK.

You wanna go down to the old town bridge and make out?

Yes, sir!

And in the city, glasses are considered really sexy.

Ooooh.

Dang, I hope her brother don't already have dibs on her.

Where's Chris? That criminal's here.

He's down by the old town bridge.

You know, my brother is the one he's here to k*ll.

My daughter would absolutely love you.

You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks.

Aha! I got you now, Griffin!

Aaagh!

Not so fast, buddy!

Who are you?

You can call me Officer TJ Hooker.

Sheriff Officer TJ Hooker.

And this is my deputy, McMillan and Wife.

I hated TJ Hooker. And I never actually saw McMillan and Wife, although I was aware of it.

Anyway, you're dead!

Ha! You're mine now, fella!

Aagh! Aagh!

Aargh! Dad! Help! Dad!

You folks all right?

Wow, you guys saved our lives.

And after I said all Southerners have bad teeth and the gum disease known as gingivitis.

We take care of our own. And as long as y'all live here, y'all are Southerners too.

Wow. Thanks.

It's our pleasure. Sam, I'll see you at home.

I think the lesson here is it doesn't matter where you're from, as long as we're all the same religion.

It was great having you in class, Meg.

Thanks. I'm really gonna miss everybody.

We didn't have no money for a present, so we all just spit in a jar.

I can't believe you're leavin'.

Me either.

I'll be sure to write.

And I'll be sure to learn to read.

Next time I see a dead guy, I'm gonna poke him twice as hard for both of us.

Ah, it's so nice to be home.

You have 113 new messages.

Oh, my.

Uh, yeah, I was just wondering... uh... mm-hm... where the newspaper boy was.

Haven't seen a newspaper in a couple of days. Wonderin' if you're ever gonna come back.

Guess who. Sorry to leave you so many messages.

Just lonely here, thinkin' 'bout the muscly-armed paper boy.

Wishin' he'd bring me some good news.

Where are you?

You're startin' to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.