03x14 - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

[bunniefuu]

I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf havin' sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam.

When a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibustered dioxin monohydroxanate.

What the hell does "rant" mean?

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ is v*olence in movies and sex on TV. ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ all the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Go, Dust Mites!

I wish they'd put Chris in already.

Relax. It's his first game.

Griffin, get in there.

They're sending him in. Yay, Chris!

Attaboy, Chris!

That's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe.

Why won't you teach me how to wipe, Dad?

Because you don't have a bottom, son.

Man, you and that towel are representin'.

Yo, that's what's just fightin', G!

The Buddy Cianci Junior High cheerleaders!

Is everybody pumped up?

Give me a D-U-S-T!

D-U-S-T!

M-I-T-E-S!

M-I-T-E-S!

What does that spell?

Dust Mites!

Who's gonna win this game?

Dust Mites!

My God, what... what just happened to me?

It's those sirens. They had us all completely under their spell.

Like that hypnotist at the airport Hilton.

And... three!

Wow. Were we just hypnotised?

That's incredible. I don't remember a thing.

Why do I taste crotch?

I must unlock the secret to their mind-control powers.

Can we go now? I'm starvin'.

The game's almost over.

Try to think about somethin' else.

Ahhhhh...!

Peter!

Sorry.

Nice job tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.

Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid?

I was lookin' to break off somethin', but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.

What's wrong?

He's speaking in tongues. He's possessed.

Meg, start at Psalm 41. Don't stop readin' till I tell you. The power of Christ compels you!

Agh! Agh! Agh!

The power of Christ compels you!

Stop. He's not possessed.

He's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.

Oh. Well, that's kinda weird.

It's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself.

Like those two weeks you spent narrating your life.

I walked into the kitchen and sat at the table.

I grimaced at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me.

I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew.

Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had grown aware of her ageing.

The bright, exuberant eyes I had fallen in love with were growing dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life.

I awoke several hours later in a daze.

"I was brought up on the streets, no moms and dads I had to fend for myself with my own two hands But today I'm hurtin', and I'll tell you why I got a hangnail hangin' from my cuticle A hangnail It ain't beautiful It hurts like a bitch that I did last night Hey, what ya doin'?

Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops, gimme some cheddar.

Some player-haters be throwin' salt in my game, grillin' me over my gear.

And I needs to be mackin' style.

Well, uh, the important thing is you tried, son.

There they are. And now to infiltrate this coven and learn their mind-control secrets.

I just need to get their attention.

OK. That was much better.

But it still sucked worse than ever. What's wrong with you guys?

Look how cute he is!

He must be one of the teachers' babies.

He wants to be a cheerleader too.

My! So it's that easy to win you over.

Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.

Chris starts with all this "Yo, yo, yo" stuff, and I don't know what he's talkin' about.

So I started beatin' him with a hose. Then my arm got tired, so I came here.

Perhaps Chris has adopted another culture's mannerisms because he doesn't know enough about his own.

I never thought of that. I should teach Chris about his lrish roots.

We haven't spent time together since we played Operation.

I'm going for the funny bone, Dad.

Oh! You touched the sides!

He's wakin' up. Get him back to the bus station.

Dad, I don't wanna be here. I wanna be chillin' with my homeys.

Now, Chris, it's important you learn about your lrish heritage.

Archaeological evidence shows lreland was very different before the discovery of alcohol.

Most experts believe it was something like this.

Gentlemen, today we, Ireland's top scientists, have found a way to convert our entire population to pure energy.

It's a glorious day.

Absolutely.

Hey, Michael McCloud's just invented a new kind of beverage.

Hm. "Whiskey. "

You were right, Dad. Bein' Irish rocks!

That's more like it, son. Today we're gonna learn about the Griffin family history.

What's a library, Dad?

It's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM. Let's go inside.

Look, Dad. I found this book on our genealogy.

Way to go, son. Here's a picture of your great-great-granddad, Osias Griffin.

He owned one of the first dozen telephones.

Hello?

Hello, Jonathan?

No. What number are you callin'?

Seven.

This is three.

Oh. Sorry.

And his great-grandpa was Thomas Griffin, a great philosopher.

Thomas, would you please go look for a job?

Why?

Wow! That's cool! Go back even further, Dad.

OK. Settle down, spaz.

In 1840, Nathaniel "Nate" Griffin used to groom horses. What the hell...?

Holy crap, I'm black!

But I-I can't be black.

I gotta say, the man in this book does look an awful lot like you.

The Diary of Nate Griffin.

"May 7th, 1836."

"I was brushing down Lucy, the new colt, when she let out a fart right near my face. "

"So I took her head and stuck it by my butt and blew a huge fart right back at her. "

That laugh's in here, too. See?

Wow. Then it's true.

Cool! I get to be black and lrish.

Now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt.

I gotta tell Bonnie I'm sleeping with a black man!

Oh, my God! Update! Exclam! Scott Martin just asked me out again!

Oh, my God. This is date three. Are you gonna let him get to second base?

I think that would be a bad idea. And I know something about bad ideas.

I'm telling you, Juice, she's screwin' around behind your back.

And if I were in your Bruno Maglis, I wouldn't stand for it.

Another mai tai. Thanks.

So, listen...

Here comes Scott!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Have yet to discover the secret of their mind-control powers.

Also trying to comprehend their obsession with the h*m* from *NS YNC.

Cleveland, you got a minute? I really need to talk to you.

Sure. I was just goin' for a ride. Hop on.

I've found out I have a black ancestor.

Is that right? That's fantastic, Peter.

Yeah, but the problem is, I got no idea how to be black.

Except for not smilin' when I get my picture taken.

Well, you should go out and commingle amongst your newly found brethren.

You know, absorb the culture.

Wheelie time! Yee-hah!

Aaargh!

You're right. I should be hangin' around more black people like myself. Thanks.

Hey! Peter, what the...?

It's the vibration.

Who here used to wear a lot of Jheri Curl?

Yeah, that's right. Y'all know that Exxon Valdez thing? That ain't how it happened.

Some brother just fell in the ocean!

God, I remember that. All those seals d*ed.

It was... it was all over the news.

The... the Channel Two news with Dan Rather.

Although I think Connie Chung might've been substituting for him that night.

Well, 'bout time for me to be hittin' the old dusty trail.

I like your hat.

Can't get out that way.

Oh. Found the emergency exit.

1967 was the year that Thurgood Marshall was named to the Supreme Court of the US.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Well, I should probably be saddlin' up now.

Oh. Found the fire door.

Urgh! Look at how fat you are.

You disgust me. Oink, oink, fatty.

You'll take butter on that English muffin, won't you?

You're the cheerleading squad's token blimp!

You don't deserve to eat!

Thanks for bringin' me here.

Welcome. For our first order of business, Cleveland has an announcement.

Yesterday I received reparations from the family that enslaved my ancestors.

Amen!

The family has become poor white trash since then, so they only gave what they could.

This tray of scrumptious Rice Krispie treats.

I share them with all of you in the hopes that one day your wounds may be healed as well.

Amen!

Right on!

Hey, why is he taking one?

This is my friend Peter Griffin.

He recently discovered he was black.

He doesn't look very black to me.

Gentlemen, please. Please. Judge me not by the colour of my skin.

For I have always been there with you.

I was there when George and Weezy moved on up to the East Side.

Oh! Oh! Hallelujah! Those were happy times!

But... but... but I was also there for the bad times.

When Florida lost James to that tragic auto accident. Oh! Oh!

And I was there when Tootie got those terribly painful braces. Oh, yes.

And when Arnold Jackson got b*at up by the Gooch, I was there.

So before you decide that I don't belong here, remember this: I was there!

Way to go, Peter! You tell it like it is!

Now, Chris, what's the secret to happiness?

Money!

Very good. Babs, give him a caramel.

Hey. Hey, Lois, what are your parents doin' here?

They surprised us with a visit after I told them about your recent discovery.

Yes. Peter, we hear you're a n*gro now.

Yep. I even got my own posse. Big Dog, T-Bone, Shades, go make some sandwiches.

We'll hook up later.

My jacket's in there. Please don't write on it.

I think Chris and Meg should know the Pewterschmidt side of their ancestry too.

Did you know the Pewterschmidts were among the first colonists?

Now, kids, don't be taken in by the man. Stay black and proud.

Here's Silas Pewterschmidt bartering with some local lndians.

Cool!

Here's a picture of...

Oh. Never mind that one.

What was that?

Nothing. Just some fellow we fed and took care of in exchange for doing a few chores.

You mean a sl*ve! Let me see that!

Oh, my God!

It's Nate Griffin!

Well... 'bout time for me to be hittin' the old dusty trail.

Lois, your family owned my family!

Daddy, is that true?

It appears so. Boy, this is embarrassing.

Yes, it is. And don't call me "boy"!

Peter! Please, calm down.

Babs, it's time we went to bed. Things'll look better tomorrow.

Come here, kids. Give Grandma and Grandpa a kiss good night.

Whoa!

Argh!

You can whip me all you like, white devil, but you'll never break my spirit!

There must be some clue to the source of their mental manipulation techniques.

Your Body and You.

"Every four weeks, it's entirely normal for every young woman to... "

Oh, my God! Oh! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life!

Ugh!

That totally sucked! You guys call yourselves cheerleaders?

Well, I call you cheer-losers!

Cindi is definitely the alpha of the group.

And what happened with the pyramid? I almost broke my neck!

The pyramid. Of course! That must be the key to their power.

Mission objective: Eliminate Cindi and take her place at the top of the pyramid.

They're getting nude! I mustn't watch. It's not the proper thing... Whoa!

I say! Nice ones, Jeanine.

And look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory.

It appears my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.

Good mornin'.

Peter, what on earth are you wearing?

It's a dashiki. And don't call me Peter. That's my sl*ve name. Call me Kichwa Tembo.

Cool! And I'll be Mambuto O'Malley.

Peter...

Kichwa!

I'd like to have a word with you.

Peter, I think...

Kichwa!

Kichwa, we're both sensible men.

There must be something I can do to make it right.

Actually there is. I want reparations, just like Cleveland got.

What are you talking about?

I want an apology and Rice Krispie treats.

I will not give you an apology, and I assume "Rice Krispie treats" is black slang for money, so here's $10,000.

I expect you never to mention this ugly business again.

$10,000?

Not enough? Make it 20. How do you spell "Kichwa"?

Screw the "Kichwa". Make it out to "Peter", P-E-T-E...

This just in: sl*ve-owner descendant Carter Pewterschmidt has paid $20,000, or two million pennies, in reparations to a local black man.

We now go live to the local black man.

Well, the money helps, but I'll always feel my ancestor's pain.

Hey, from down there, does it look like I'm talking into a bunch of robot penises?

Lois, come and see what I did with the money your dad gave me.

Oh, my God! You turned the den into Pee-wee's Playhouse?

"Come on, get up Knock off your nappin'

"It's a crazy, messed-up place where anything can happen There's a chair that freakin' talks There's some fish that give advice Holy crap!

"It's screwy in Peter's Playhouse Peter...

Watch this. Watch this. Hey, Jambi!

OK, say it.

Mekka lekka hi... God, I hate you so much.

That reparation money should be going to a black charity.

The king of cartoons will be here in five minutes, and I won't have you embarrass me.

You're acting ridiculous.

You said the secret word!

Uh-oh.

Hey, you're that black guy I saw on the news. - Uh, yeah, that's me.

I need backup. I've got a stolen vehicle here.

But this is my car.

Suspect's getting belligerent. Officer down.

So it's agreed: We'll keep on pretending to like pigs' feet just to confound the white man.

Uh, sorry I'm late, you guys. The white man was makin' me his bitch.

What? Oh, sorry. His be-atch.

Peter, we know about your selfish squandering of your reparation money.

I shared mine. You, however, have given nothin' back to the community.

But... that's not true.

I've brought you the greatest gift of all.

A child's laughter.

Peter, I think you should go.

Yeah, I'm going.

Hi, guys.

Uh, hey, how's it goin'?

No one wants to sit with me. It's like I'm a freakin' leper.

Hey, can we sit there?

No, these are saved.

Where is Cindi?

She'd better show up. It's almost half-time.

Cindi, I'd feel worse about this if you didn't spell your name with that insufferable i.

Oh, and that cockadoodie smiley face you use to dot it. You sicken me!

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Agh!

Hello, Peter.

Nate Griffin. Oh, my God, you're haunting me because I've been a terrible black man.

You gotta stop puttin' so much importance on race.

I didn't.

You didn't?

No. If I had, would I have slept with your white great-great-great-great-granny?

I guess not.

I wouldn't have slept with her sister, neither.

You see, Peter, the most important thing is how a man acts. You see what I'm gettin' at?

You think I should do something good with that reparation money.

That'd be mighty fine, Peter.

I guess you're right.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry my wife's ancestors made you suffer so much.

Don't worry about me. If it makes you feel better, I peed in their cereal every morning.

Well, so long, Peter.

Wait. Before you go, what's heaven like?

Oh, it's fine. There's a shortage of chairs.

Oh.

Yeah.

Take it easy, Peter.

Look, we're just going to have to go on without her.

Give me a D!

D!

That's enough of that. There's a hunting Kn*fe under your seats. On my command... Argh!

Argh! You idiots! I had them! Cindi was right. We need a lot more work.

Uh, excuse me. Yeah.

Uh, hi. I'm Peter Griffin.

Listen, uh, as many of you may know, I recently came into some money.

Well, I don't really deserve it.

So I've decided to share it with my brothers!

Uh... Actually, I just meant the black guys.

That was very generous. Look how happy you've made everyone.

It just goes to show you, Lois, it doesn't matter if you're black or white.

The only colour that really matters is green.

Oh, Peter!

I wonder what happened to Cindi.

"Dear diary. Jackpot. "