05x07 - Chick Cancer

Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.

But first, the big news in entertainment this week is the lovable child actress, Olivia Fuller.

Oh, my God, Brian, that's Olivia from the performing arts school.

What sort of overblown contract has that dreadful bitch landed now?

Most of you know Olivia as the adorable little girl in the Tasty Juice ads.

Hey, Mom, can I have some soda?

No, but you can have some Tasty Juice. It has only one-third the sugar of soda.

Delicious. Thanks, Mom.

But little Olivia's career may be over just as it begins with today's announcement that Tasty Juice will be dropping her as their spokesperson and replacing her with a new ad campaign featuring rock'n'roll legend Chuck Berry.

Open your mouth, baby. Here it comes.

But there is a silver lining for local Quahogians, as Miss Fuller will be appearing at the Quahog mall this weekend to mark the grand opening of the new Brat Wraps Kids Clothing store.

Oh, that's perfect.

Brian, we have to go down there this weekend and heckle her roundly.

I'll humiliate her worse than Luke Skywalker did to that Rebel pilot.

The exhaust shaft is only two meters wide, so you'll have to use proton torpedoes.

That's impossible. Even for a computer.

It's not impossible. I used to bull's-eye wamprats in my T-16 back home.

They're not much bigger than two meters.

Hey, uh, can-can I talk to you privately for a second?

Sure.

Th-that, that, uh, that was, that was unnecessary.

What's the problem?

Well, you just kind of called me out in front of everybody back there...

I was just making a point.

I know, I know, but you like just... kind of sandbagged me.

I sandbagged you?

In front of all of our friends, yeah, you sandbagged me.

I sandbagged you.

You sandbagged me, yes.

Well, here I am trying to help you with something...

You know what, I don't need your kind of help, all right?

Have a great assault. Jerk.

Lois, I don't understand why I got to sit through a chick flick.

Peter, you promised you'd come with me to see Autumn's Piano.

Besides, you owe me big after the way you embarrassed me in front of Sandra Oh.

Oh, my God, Sandra Oh. We loved you in Sideways.

Thank you.

We see you in many movies.

I think about you while having s*x with my wife.

I thank you with one dollar. That's a lot of money to them.

Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm going to start bringing gay guys home.

And I don't mean the classy "maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys.

I mean those big, "Oh, my God,"

"here they come, floatin' around, making noise" gay guys, not the "fix up your house" gay guys.

Peter, shh, it's starting.

You must be Autumn Daniels.

Welcome to Barncliffe school for girls.

We're your roommates: I'm Sassy, that's Pouty, and this is Suicidy.

I got a bad feeling about Suicidy.

Ain't no mountain high enough.

Yeah! You can tell all the girls care about each other, 'cause they have so much fun cleaning the dishes.

I have to leave, and I'm taking my piano with me.

No...! Why?

Why? She chose the piano over her insulin.

You could've had both.

See? That wasn't so bad.

Oh, you know, Lois, this movie has helped me understand a lot of things.

Like that foreign guy at work who helped me understand sarcasm.

Huh, nice day we're having.

Oh, ho-ho! Yes!

What?

He say "Nice day," but he covered with rain.

So?

So, he say this when your brain know is not really nice day.

Oh, yeah!

Yes. He say the opposite. He's funny.

Oh, yeah, I get it. "Nice day. "

Now you funny, too. Oh...

There she is, Brian.

Oh, boy, I am going to take her down right in front of everybody.

All right, Olivia, get ready to...

Good Lord.

What is it?

Brian, she looks... she looks fantastic.

And now TV's Olivia Fuller will cut the ceremonial ribbon.

I hope I'm allowed to do this. My mommy says, "Don't run with scissors. "

She's so cute. I love children. Look at my kids.

So everyone feel free to browse and purchase from our fine selection.

Hey, Mom, now would be a good time to raise my allowance.

Oh, this one's kind of nice. Wha...?

Olivia! Hey...!

Stewie? Oh, my God. Wow, this is... it's been a while.

Yeah, no, it has. Uh, what, so you back in town?

Yeah, we're, um, we're moving back into the old house.

Oh, that's... God, you look great, I mean, you're all, you're all in shape.

My God, California's been good to you.

I mean, I guess, I guess you should be looking good 'cause everybody's a health nut out there, right?

Yeah.

Well, anyway, it was nice seeing you again, so...

Hey, listen, maybe you want to come over on Friday, it's my "Bernie Mac" night.

Um, i-it's a fun show if you haven't seen it.

I can't understand what the devil he's saying, but you know, there's a lot of movement, and it's bright and colorful, it keeps my attention.

Look, Stewie, you're sweet, but since I moved to Hollywood, I've done a lot of growing up.

I'm dating more sophisticated men now. But it was good to see you.

What happened?

She shot me down, Brian.

What do you care? You came here to gloat about her contract cancellation anyway.

Yes, but that was before I got a look at her face. I mean, she's a woman now, Brian. So sophisticated, so grown up, and she says she wants a grown-up man. But... apparently, that's not me.

Ya think so?

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There we go. You are ready for your date.

Yeah, that's a bed head.

Yeah, hey, look at you, you just got out of bed.

You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.

Hey, big date tonight?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, listen, I'm, uh, sorry about Olivia rejecting you.

Oh, I haven't given up yet, Brian.

She says she wants a more mature, grown-up man, so all I've got to do is be more grown-up.

What are you doing?

Just cleanin' out your brush, man.

Hi, Jillian.

Hi, Brian, ready to go?

Hey, baby.

Hi, Stewie.

What the hell are you doing?

Eh, not much, really. Just me and my pubes, ha... ngin' out.

Oh, dear God.

Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day.

So am I.

I, just kind of feel like kickin' it tonight.

Oh, look at that. I'm growing all the time.

Hey, uh, Jillian, can you give me a minute?

You ever just let your balls hang out, B-Ri?

You ever do that, B-Roney?

Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was Bri?

Give me my hair back.

Ow! What the hell, man.

Stewie, this is not going to convince Olivia that you're grown-up enough for her.

Yeah, what do you know about women?

You want to know how to get women?

There's only one place in town you need to observe.

Just watch.

I am not doing that, Glenn.

Come on, beautiful, keep an open mind.

You're a sick man.

Hey, keep it down.

I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn.

Whore?

Well, maybe I should come inside.

Well, maybe you should.

What the deuce?

Why the hell would she respond positively to such a negative comment?

Unless...

Brian, do women like it when you treat them like crap?

Well, I don't know if you want to be that black and white about it.

That's it, isn't it? Women respond when you treat them like crap.

Well, Olivia, prepare to meet a much darker Stewie Griffin.

Hey, babe. What do you say, we going out Saturday night?

Stewie, what are you doing here?

I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy.

Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Being ugly.

Stewie, you're being mean.

No. If I was being mean, when you opened the door I would have said, "Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh, wait, you're Olivia. "

You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash.

So, I'll pick you up at 7:00?

That sounds wonderful.

She said yes.

My God, I'm cooler than that cheetah from the commercials.

Oh, God, there is no drummer better than Neil Peart!

It ain't easy bein' cheesy.

Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is equaled only by your sense of love.

Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies?

Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my pen1s.

Now they make me cry through my eyes.

I've decided. I'm making my own chick flick.

What? You don't know anything about making movies.

Are you kidding? I got lots of experience in the film industry.

I was the original "Pretty Woman. "

You look beautiful, but there's something missing.

This is a beautiful spot, Stewie.

I know. I love coming here because you can just sit here and people-watch, you know?

Oh, oh, look at this. Look at this guy.

Look at this. What is that? What is he doing?

Just standing there smelling his hand?

"What is that? What is that on my hand?"

"Is that... is that barbecue sauce? When was I near barbecue sauce?"

Oh, look, look! Jewish cowboy! Jewish cowboy!

Yeah. Not gonna be so tough when the sun goes down, are you?

Better go rassle up some Chinese food, Hopalong Nussbaum.

You know, Stewie, I'm really glad I gave you another chance.

You're a really special guy.

I know.


No, no, I'm kidding. I'm not really that self-centered, but, you know, Olivia, I can't think of anyplace I'd rather be than right here right now with you.

Oh, look at this guy. Now, there's someone who cuts his own hair.

Yeah, no kidding. Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, check out this uptight Asian guy, look at that.

I work really hard, 'cause I'm no fun.

Boy, this is a great city. I don't care what anybody says.

I know. Look at that sunset against the skyline.

I know. Wow, look at that.

A perfect end to a perfect day.

Yeah. Well, we should probably get home. This area gets really dangerous at night.

Okay, everyone, welcome to the first day of shooting for Steel Vaginas.

Peter, this movie doesn't seem to make any sense.

It makes perfect sense, Lois. This the scene where our heroine, Vageena Hertz, is told by Dr. McNugget here that she has uncurable chick cancer.

All right, Joe, let's lose the wheelchair and shoot this thing.

Peter, I can't lose the wheelchair. I need it to move.

Okay, yeah, but your character can walk.

Peter, I'm handicapped. I can't walk.

Okay, Chris, roll film.

And... action!

Joe, get out of the damn chair. Chris, get the cattle prod.

Okay, now give him some peanut butter so we can make it look like he's talking.

God, I hate these things.

Sweetie, can't you just have a good time?

I don't know anybody. These are all your friends.

Just relax. Have some cake or something.

Hey, hey, who do we have here?

Oh, my God! Victor?

Hey, kiddo, how are you?

Great! Great! Wow!

Stewie, this is Victor. We did a Flintstones vitamins commercial together.

Ten million strong and growing!

Oh, yeah, good to meet you. How are you?

Victor's such a good actor. He played a dead baby on CSI: Miami.

Yeah, I'm more into writing now.

Oh, hang on a sec. Uh, idea for a short story: guy picks his nose, then eats it.

Yeah, good luck with that. Hey, Olivia, why don't you and I go get some punch?

Oh, actually, would you mind getting some for Victor and me while we catch up?

Or-or a third option.

Why doesn't Victor go get some punch for you and me?

Or maybe you and I could go away from Victor and go get the punch?

Or-or none of us could have punch. But still Victor could go away.

Victor, would you excuse us for a second?

Uh, sure. Idea for a novel: guy loses his favorite blankie, goes looking for it and finds it in the kitchen.

Is that... I amaze myself. Is that... It's genius.

It's unbelievable. I don't know where I get it from.

What the hell is wrong with you? You're acting like a jerk.

Oh, I'm acting like a jerk? What about Phony Curtis over there?

He happens to be a very intelligent, successful actor.

And, you know, he's done three national diaper commercials.

Yeah, let's put a diaper on his face. That's where the crap is coming out.

You don't own me. I can talk to whoever I want.

I don't see a ring on my finger.

I, Stewie, take you, Olivia, to be my lawfully wedded wife.

Uh, what's that, Rupert? Oh, oh, kiss the bride. Yes.

Hi, honey! I'm home!

Hi, sweetie, how was your day?

Well, I was an astronaut for a while, then I was a cowboy, and then all afternoon I was a fireman, so it's been, uh... it's been a long one.

Uh, what's for dinner?

Playdoh spaghetti.

Oh.

What?

No. No, it's nothing. Just had Playdoh spaghetti last night.

And that's all we had last night.

What does that mean?

Oh, I don't know, Olivia. Maybe that we are in a sexless marriage.

We have yet to have s*x.

Do you even know what s*x is?

That's not the poi... Don't change the... It's a kind of cake?

Look, can we just drop this and have a normal pretend dinner?

Fine, fine!

Uch, some days I think it was easier being Q-Bert's roommate.

God, it's all night with this guy.

If you're gonna leave all those lights on, I'm not gonna split the electric bill.

Sorry we're late, everyone, but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup.

Uh, yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel, so we had to drive around the block six times till we could find a spot.

But to his credit, it is a great spot to get mugged.

Wouldn't that be a shame, if they took all my money out of both our wallets.

Well, it's just good to have you guys here.

Can I get you folks something to drink?

Uh, yes, I'll just have flat water.

Um, do you have Hi-C Tropical Punch?

And it begins...

What? I can't have a drink with dinner?

So dinner started at 2:00 this afternoon, did it?

Yes, about the same time you decided to hole up in the bathroom for three hours waxing your eyebrows.

You swore you would never...

I have a prominent brow, and I do what I can to get by.

Well, hey, what's important is that you're here now.

Let's just enjoy dinner.

Yeah, can't we just have a good time?

Ask Olivia.

Olivia, the three of us are having a great time. What's your problem?

My problem is you. You're acting like a baby.

And we come to the center of the shrubbery maze.

That's what it all comes down to, isn't it? I'm not grown up enough for you.

Well, you are a baby, aren't you?

Stay out of it. Stay out of it.

Well, if you think I'm a baby, then perhaps I should act like a baby.

Hey, could you keep that kid quiet?

Oh, oh, oh, what's that?

What's that, sir? What's that? I'm sorry, am I being too loud for you?

You wanna come over here and quiet me down?

Oh, let's do this.

Oh, God. Stewie, come on.

I'm scared.

No, it's okay. It's okay.

Sir? You feel strong? You wanna come over here?

No, I want to stay here and have my steak.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

What is that, the porterhouse?

Yeah.

How is it?

What do you care?

If we weren't fighting, would you recommend it?

Yeah, I would.

Well, I know what I'm getting.

Hello, everyone. Well, here we are... opening night.

You know, somebody once told me that making movies was easy.

Yeah. Yeah, you know what else is easy? Open heart surgery.

Oh-ho-ho! Yes!

Yeah, thanks for coming, Fuad.

Oh! Is funny because open heart surgery not easy at all.

Yeah, yeah. Calm down, Fuad.

So, without further dudes, ah, let's, uh, watch this thing.

At first I didn't believe in women and unicorns, but that was before I knew about the power of chick stuff, and before I knew Vageena Hertz.

Sorry.

When Vageena was first born, I had a small heart and a lot to learn.

Push, honey! Hurry up and give me my baby boy!

Cleveland, more SpaghettiO's.

Oh, good, a baby. Oh, no, it's a girl.

And I hate girls.

But one day, Vageena went swimming too soon after eating a sandwich... and this happened.

Help! Help! I'm drowning!

Help!

We gotta get this woman to surgery time. Right stat now!

But it was too late. And she died from an angry hymen.

Fin.

Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I ever seen.

Oh, my God, that was an abomination.

That was awful. Awful. Awful, awful.

My ass is actually sore.

My ass is actually sore.

Hey, where's Olivia?

Oh, she's probably up at the house.

Stewie?

Yeah?

It's not your fault.

What?

It's not your fault.

I know.

No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.

Don't do this to me, man. Not you, man.

It's not your fault.

Screw you! Cut it out, man.

It's not your fault.

Why is it so hard?

I didn't know it was gonna be so hard.

Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough.

You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood.

You're right, Brian. I can't hide from this relationship.

It's my responsability to deal with it.

I mean, what kind of a man would I be lf I ran off now?

Well, you'd be a black man.

Whoa, what was that?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That was my father talking.

You, uh... you gotta work on that, man.

Bad dog.

Sweetie, listen, I'm sorry, I...

Oh, Stewie! I thought you were at Chuck E. Cheese's with your mom.

No. A four-year-old died in the ball pit. We had to cancel.

Is that the Silly Putty I bought you this weekend?

Stewie, this isn't what it looks like.

Uh-uh, yeah, Stewie, I just dropped by to...

Uh, uh, uh, ain't nobody talking to you.

Is... that... the Silly Putty...

I bought you... this weekend?

You know, I'm really sensing something here...

I should be go.

No, about you stay here and I leave and never come back again?

Stewie, this isn't how I wanted it to end.

But you did want it to end. You've made that perfectly clear.

Listen, are you gonna be all right?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

Is that smoke?

Idea for a farce: cheating wife and pompous ass burned alive.

So what happened?

Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks.

Women, Brian. What a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know?

Just live with someone of your own s*x. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know, why don't guys just do that?

They do, it's called being gay.

Oh, that's what gay is? Yeah, I could totally get into that.