This Tuesday on Lifetime, Valerie Bertinelli stars in a Lifetime original movie.
You know, Doctor, you said you were going to cure my cancer, but all you did was rape me!
I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all.
Well, you're right, about the rape part, but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer.
Valerie Bertinelli in...
Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger?
Really? Where did you read that?
In Pee-opple magazine.
Jillian, can you, uh, run and get me a beer from the kitchen?
Oh, yeah, sure, no problem.
Hey, Jillian, you and Brian got big plans tonight?
Yeah. Brian's taking me to Disney On lce.
I want to go.
Well, Peter, if you want, you can have my ticket.
What? But, Brian, I thought you wanted to go?
Stitch is going to do a skating duet with Sebastian the Crab.
It's not really my cup of tea.
Plus, Walt Disney was an outspoken anti-Semite.
So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... these would all be things to avoid.
Well, oh, okay.
Um, Peter, you want to go see Disney On lce?
Oh, God, yes!
I'll be right back. I'm going to go put on my Donald Duck costume.
Meg, lend me 25 cents so I can ride the toy airplane outside and make the immigrant kids jealous.
Look at me!
I'm having a magical aerial adventure because my family has disposable income.
Here you go.
What is this?
It's a pamphlet on why I'm bombing you.
How come you're always here by yourself? Are you like a bitch or something?
No, I have friends.
Well, you should bring some of them in here.
Any of them have braces?
I love braces.
My mom has 'em.
Well, listen, um...
I need disposable diapers, but it looks like you're out.
Oh, no, I got some in the stockroom. Hang on.
Oh, Vince Vaughn's on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.
Here's my summary of every Vince Vaughn movie: "Oh, I'm incapable of loving another person."
"Oh, wait, no, I'm not. The end."
I don't even want to look at his face.
Stewie, what the hell are you doing?!
Oh, my God! Now I've got to clean up this up!
Carl, I'm so sorry.
Wow, Meg, you alphabetized all the magazines.
Hey, you want a job?
Here? Yeah, sure!
Great. You start tomorrow.
I don't have any money so I'm going to have to pay for these comic books with my poo.
Chris, how come you don't have any money? I thought you had a paper route.
Well, I'm taking a sabbatical to focus on my pottery.
How's that working out?
Not good, Meg, not good.
Well, maybe I can talk to Carl and get you a job here.
You could do that?!
Carl totally trusts me.
You and I will be the best brother-sister team since Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal.
I'm more off-putting.
No, I'm more off-putting.
I'm more unattractive to put in a lead role.
Well, I'm a bigger box office drag.
Kids, kids. You're both... just awful.
Oh, hi, Brian.
I thought you were spending the day with Jillian.
I was, but Peter took her off my hands.
Perfect timing. I've been feeling a little smothered lately.
Plus, it's given me a chance to work on my novel.
And I finally have a title.
Oh, what is it?
"Faster Than the Speed of Love."
That is the worst title I've ever heard.
No, it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father, who's a pilot, that's been taken captive by a militant lslamic country.
That's the movie lron Eagle!
Is that, is that a recent film?
They made three sequels!
Yeah, well, in mine, the boy's gotta gather all these old World War II pilots to help him rescue his father.
That's one of the sequels!
Well, well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese, but they accept him anyway.
I'm going to pee in my pants!
Boy, it sure is fun hanging out with you, Peter.
That means "thank you" in my new language I'm inventing.
Anyway, all I was saying is, if you think about it, it shouldn't have been Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
It should've been Ferris Bueller's Day On, 'cause that was all the stuff he wanted to do.
Yeah. And he was so "on" that day, so it kind of works on two levels.
Well, I don't know what you mean by that, but how about that Cameron, huh?
Am I right?
It was his day off, too.
That is just what I was going to... His day off... that is just what I was going to say. You know, you are a catch, young lady.
You know that?
I don't know when the hell Brian is going to open his eyes and get serious with you.
I really wish he would.
It'd be so great if we were at least living together.
Well, you need to just lay it on the line with him.
Either he commits to you, or you're gone.
What the hell did you do?!
Because of what you said, Jillian wants us to move in together!
Well, I think you should, Brian. She's beautiful, she's funny, and she is smart as the day is wide.
Don't you understand?! I don't want a committed relationship with Jillian.
Well, it sounds like she does.
And if you're never going to get serious, then you're not being fair to her.
You don't really think I'm like that, do you?
Prove me wrong.
All right, I will, Lois.
I will ask her to move in with me. and you'll see, I've got what it takes.
Boy, you know, I gotta tell you, Jillian, this move is really working out great.
It just feels right, you know.
Rock on, Brian!
Stewie. Hey. What's up?
Oh, I was just on my way back from the cobbler.
Figured before I stopped by the apothecary, I'd come here, and then it's off to the haberdasher.
These turn-of-the-century business jokes doing anything for you?
Did you use the jokes?
Yeah, they're not landing.
Got your mail. So, how's it going?
I tell you, Stewie, it's going great.
And that's the worst part. I can't afford the rent.
I'll be lucky if I can make it to the end of the month.
Sounds like you need a roommate.
Where did you get that kind of money?
I picked up Chris's paper route.
Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh, it's a brand-new paperboy.
That's a mighty full sack you're carrying.
Piss off, you perverted old freak!
Oh, we got a fighter.
Wow, you were almost in a dirt bike race?
Yeah, yeah, I filled out most of the paperwork, too.
You are the coolest guy I have ever met.
Hey, guys. Um...
Chris, I need you to stack the boxes in the back for me.
Uh, you know what, Meg? Why don't you do that?
I need Chris up here with me.
But the boxes are really heavy.
Oh, that's 'cause there's a bunch of stuff in them.
Uh, Chris, you ever see the movie Cruel lntentions?
Oh, Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out.
It's pretty hot.
47 minutes, 16 seconds in.
Yeah, yeah. You know what's another great movie?
Career Opportunities with Jennifer Connelly.
I mean, that's one of those movies that...
I mean, she's really hot in it, but it's also a good movie.
She was in A Beautiful Mind, and I've gotta say, the direction was excellent but I was very disappointed that she, um... wore clothes the entire film.
Was she hot in it?
Yeah, in the way that, like, classy women with expensive clothing who never take the moff are hot, you know?
All right. So, like, you see a hotgirl, and you're like, okay, I appreciate your exterior beauty 'cause you definitely worked at it with the clothing, and the jewelry, and the makeup and stuff, but secretly, I'm just like, hey, man... where is the chase and how do I cut to it?
Wow, you're smart.
Listen, I hope you don't mind Stewie staying with us for a little while.
He, uh, he just gets really lonely without me at home.
You're so fatherly. It really turns me on.
Brian, there's no more graham crackers!
They're in the cabinet!
I don't see them!
They're right in front of you! Which cabinet are you looking at?!
Can't you just come in here?!
No, I'm busy!
Oh, no, Brian!
Oh, no! Oh, Brian, we need paper towels!
Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge!
Just use a dish towel!
There aren't any, Brian! You need to come in here!
We are going to have ants!
Oh-ho, a hundred points!
Meg, clean up aisle two.
What the hell is this?! I am not cleaning this up.
Meg, less talkie, more sweepy.
Shut up, Chris! You can't tell me what to do.
Uh, actually, Meg, as your supervisor, he can.
Yeah, I promoted him this morning.
Promoted me this morning.
Carl, you promised me that assistant manager position.
Uh, Meg, things change.
Hey, you ever see Broken Lizard's Club Dread?
Well, go see that movie and absorb its message, and you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about.
Carl, this isn't fair!
All right, then, you're fired.
No, you can't...
Don't worry about it, Chris, she'll be fine.
Hey, by the way, you know who else is hot in kind of a screwed up way?
Mary Stuart Masterson.
Yeah, yeah, in that sort of "you think you could get her,"
"cause she could be your brother" kind of thing.
Like, she's gettable, you know, like, like, Elizabeth Shue.
Oh, I remember her.
You know, she was in Leaving Las Vegas in addition to Adventures in Babysitting.
One of those underrated actresses that was always talented and beautiful, and never quite popped, if you know the meaning.
Who, Elizabeth Shue?
Like totally naked in, um, Leaving Las Vegas.
And, uh, still ,still so hot.
I don't see art films.
Like, like, crazy hot.
Yeah, it's about 39 minutes, 45 seconds in.
It's a really exceptional sequence.
I mean, Nick Cage is poisoning himself with alcohol.
He's a failed writer who just decides that, "Ooh, I'm going to have a big last hurrah in Las Vegas."
And then he meets a whore and pays her a bunch of money to stay with him, uh, and have s*x with him while he murders himself slowly.
And, you know, she's game for it, but she catches feelings midway through and the whole thing changes.
Wow, h-have youseen Cocktail?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
She was in that.
She was in that.
Ah, ah, you like that?
Yeah, it's rad!
Don't talk, please. Hang on, let me get a condom.
Brian, are you guys up?
Stewie, what the hell are you doing? Go back to bed.
But I'm not tired.
And I'm lonely.
Oh, come get in bed with us.
Ooh, all right, "Dear Penthouse Forum."
No, no, Stewie, go away!
Brian, don't be mean to him.
Yes, Brian, if you're mean to me, I'll stop paying the rent.
What did he say?
That's right, I'm paying Mr. Lickity-self's half of the rent.
Is that true?
All right, yes, fine, it's true!
Why didn't you say anything?
Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows, I didn't want to...
You didn't want to move in with me?
Well, honestly, no.
Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid!
Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian!
I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning.
Look, Brian, I know you're upset now, but I think it's important to see things in perspective.
Remember when Alex P. Keaton lost his girlfriend?
And then he got another one, and everything was all right?
And then he got Parkinson's.
You know, Stewie, you're right.
This is not a loss, it's an opportunity.
I'm free now. I've got my own place, no attachments.
There you are. That's just the kind of can-do spirit that built this nation.
"We hold these truths to be self-evident,"
"that all men are created equal."
Except the Jews.
Franklin, for the fifth time, I'm sorry you overpaid for your house, but it's not going in.
You'll be sorry.
Noted. Moving on.
So, Meg, any luck finding another job?
Hardly anybody's hiring right now.
The only job I could find was for a phone s*x line, and I sucked at it.
What am I wearing?
Um... a hat... and... glasses.
What kind of underwear?
I don't know.
Big underwear, I guess.
I'm sorry, what?
Oh, what would I do to you?
I guess maybe we'd get pizza.
And... we could watch House.
All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, m'am, I appreciated your time.
Mom, check it out!
I just got my paycheck and my salary's doubled ever since Meg got fired.
Oh, shut up, you b*st*rd!
Chris, we should have a talk about Meg.
She's really upset that she got fired.
Gee, I didn't realize working at the store meant that much to her.
You know, it would mean the world to her if she could get her job back.
And you'd be one terrific brother if you could help her.
Well, gosh, Mom, I'll sure try.
She got a worse deal than that no-armed baseball player, Bucky LaGrange.
Ground ball to shortstop. The throw is to second, and again, the ball sails past LaGrange into right field.
The runners will score and a cascade of "boos" rain down from the stands as clearly the fans' sympathy for this scrappy, little no-armed man has run out.
Now, granted the throw was a little wide, but you've got to believe that a two-armed player would've made the catch.
In fact a one-armed player would have at least had a shot at it, which calls to mind the question once again, why, with all the two-armed youngsters waiting in the minor leagues, does this team stick with an arm-less second baseman?
And he hasn't had a hit in ever.
In ever, Jerry. In ever.
What the hell?! What are you people doing in my apartment?
You made it.
What is all this? What's going on?
You, that's what's going on.
Come on, time for you to meet some women who are going to make you forget about Jillian.
Looks like there's a lot of gay guys here.
Yeah, everybody's having a good time.
Brian, I want to introduce you to Joanna.
Look out for this one, she's a bit of a card.
Okay, here's one for you.
What food can't make up its mind?
This is going to be good.
Didn't I warn you, right?
How are you still single?
Hey there, buddy. Check it out. Check it out.
I put a cruller in the Jerry's Kids' jar.
I thought that would be funny.
That is hilarious, but, Carl, I want you to hire my sister back.
No, Chris, she's a pain in the ass. I-I don't want her back in here.
Well, that's a shame, because I watched Event Horizon last night.
No way! We have to talk about it!
Yeah, well, my memory is, uh, kind of hazy.
We have to talk about every scene, man!
Hey, hey, hey!
Remember when Jack Noseworthy's eyes explode?
Wasn't that awesome?!
Please agree with me that that was awesome!
Well, if you hire Meg back, maybe I'll have an opinion.
She's hired, she's hired!
What do you think of it?
It was awesome!
Wasn't it awesome?!
It was totally awesome!
It was the most awesome thing ever!
Hey, how you doing, Brian?
I know who can cheer you up.
The robot from Space Camp.
Brian and Jinx are friends.
Get that out of here.
Okay, how about the robot from Rocky IV?
Look, Stewie, get these stupid '80s movie robots out of here, and leave me alone.
It's all your fault that Jillian's gone.
Brian, you've got no one to blame but yourself.
You let the fat man talk you into moving out.
You let Jillian walk out the door.
Stop getting pushed around.
Be a man.
If you want her, go get her.
You know something?
You are absolutely right. It is time for me to take charge of my own life.
Stand aside, I've got to get my girl back.
Go get her, Brian.
What are you doing here?
Jillian, look, I made a huge mistake. I don't want to lose you.
You know, you really hurt me, Brian.
And I can't let you do that again.
Look, I won't. I promise.
I don't know how to tell you this, but you're too late.
I met someone else.
Jillian, do you get the Oxygen Network?
If I miss my Moesha, I get a bit crabby.
In a minute, Adam.
I guess this is good-bye.
Please don't send me away.
I have to.
You broke my heart.
Well, Meg, you got your job back.
Actually, Chris, I don't.
I really appreciate what you did for me, but I can't work for that guy anymore.
He's a freak.
The important thing is that you stood up for me.
And I won't forget it.
Oh, Brian, I know you miss Jillian, but it is good to have you back.
Kind of sucks though.
I mean, you are never going to find a chick that hot again.
You know what the mistake was, moving in together.
Well, it's just another life experience, I guess.
Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you got another chapter for your book.
Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on.
Welcome home, douche bag!