06x09 - Back to the Woods

[bunniefuu]

And now back to G.I. Jose.

Hey, guys, let's go swim in the old quarry.

Yeah!

Wait a minute, kids.

Don't go swimming in that quarry. It's dangerous.

Wow, thanks, G.I. Jose.

Hey, you guys wanna buy some gum...

...or cotton candy or a stuffed animal?

How about an inflatable mallet, huh? This is fun.

You can hit your friend on the head with it.

But don't hit him on the head with it.

Yeah, thanks. I don't really need any of that stuff.

You got any dents you need hammered out?

I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up, traffic news that can't help you...

...because you're some place where a TV is.

But first, get ready, Quahog.

Barry Manilow will be performing this weekend...

...at the Quahog Performing Arts Center.

Barry Manilow.

What a joke.

So stupid.

And boring as hell.

No kidding.

You couldn't pay me to go to that thing.

You know what we should do? We should go just as a goof.

That'd be hilarious.

Just look at all the idiots.

All the dumb-ass Manilow fans.

Yeah.

I mean, he's got one good song.

Yeah, I mean, "Mandy" is not terrible.

Yeah, the opening's okay.

And I guess you can't hate "Copacabana. "

Yeah, if you're in the right mood.

"Daybreak" is a good song.

Oh, yeah.

That's a good song.

I like "Weekend in New England. "

Yeah, that's a good one.

"Looks Like We Made It. " Right?

Yeah, it's not bad.

I love Barry Manilow.

Oh, my God, he's the best!

I have everything he's ever recorded!

Me, too! In my car!

We have to go to that concert.

We are going to that concert.

Thank you. Thank you very much. You're welcome.

For this next song, I'm gonna need some help from the audience.

So let's see. What's your name? Claire.

Uh, no, I don't like that.

What's yours? Harriet.

No, it's got to be two syllables.

Peter!

Joseph! Joseph!

Quagmire!

Wow, that's exotic.

Why don't you come up and join me on the stage?

Go, go, go!

Oh, my God!

I hate you so much right now.

The night goes into morning Just another day Happy people pass my way Looking in their eyes I see a memory I never realized How happy you made me Oh, Quagmire Well, you came and you gave Without taking I would never take from you, Barry.

But I sent you away, oh, Quagmire You kissed me and stopped me From shaking And I need you today Oh, Quagmire

God, he's so talented.

He wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles.

I don't care for them. Not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn.

I say... I say, son, what do we got brewing in here?

I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spice...

Look at that boy running all around like a chicken with its head cut...

Wait a minute.

This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! One day only.

LASIK eye centers will heal your eyes.

How much would you pay for laser eye surgery, $500?

Seven hundred dollars?

Ten thousand dollars?

How about $ 12?

So come on down to the Hydrox Arena this Sunday, Sunday.

Get your eyesight fixed. Unless you don't have the balls.

Hey, I could use some Jew eye surgery.

What the hell? Where's my wallet?

Oh, crap, I must've dropped it at the Barry Manilow concert.

Dropped it at the what? And where was I?

Peter, you and your excuses for losing your wallet.

"I dropped it at the concert. " "The hooker took it. "

"It's with my other family. "

That one was true.

And let me tell you something. They appreciate me for who I am.

All right, Peter, have a good business trip.

Taxi.

Who's hungry? Yeah, Mommy's home.

Hello, dear.

I'm so glad you're home.

While you were away, I tried to do the laundry.

Your favorite shirt.

Adam Kenneth Handleman, when will you learn?

So, Peter, any luck finding your wallet?

No, and it's getting to be a pain in the ass. I got no money.

I couldn't even afford to get my hair cut.

That'll be $5.

Sorry, lost my wallet.

But I already cut your hair.

Well, guess there's nothing you can do about it now.

That son of a bitch.

And then I got pulled over for speeding.

License and registration, please.

Oh, I lost my wallet, so I kind of don't have my license.

Well, I'm sorry, sir. You know what that means.

I don't understand why I gotta do dishes at your house just because I...

Keep washing.

Seems like more of a restaurant thing.

Keep washing!

And I can't rent movies anymore.

Yes, I'd like to rent this copy of Garden State.

Okay, I'll just need a picture ID.

Oh, I don't have one.

I'll rent it then.

It could've been me.

Oh, my God, Peter, your Visa bill is $ 16,000.

Somebody's been using your credit card.

Didn't you cancel it when you lost your wallet?

I hear what you're saying, but unlike my credit card...

...I'm carrying a very low rate of interest.

Peter, this is serious.

Let me see that.

A big screen TV, a massage chair from Sharper Image, plane tickets.

Peter, someone has obviously stolen your credit card.

Here's the good news.

Whoever the thief is, he's spending less than my wife.

Wait, look at this. He eats at House of Chung every day.

House of Chung. Come on, let's go, Brian.

I'm gonna get revenge.

Just like I did against that pigeon that pooped on my car.

That's right. Get it nice and clean.

Place is packed. How are we gonna figure out who has your card?

I got it, Brian. Smell my ass.

What?

It's where I keep my wallet. Get the scent, find the guy that smells like me.

Peter, that's ridiculous.

Come on, boy. Get the scent.

Cut it out. That's disgusting.

You're an idiot, you know that? Wait a minute.

Your wallet's over there.

Oh, my God, it's you.

James Woods.

Hello, Peter. I've been expecting you.

You stole my credit card. What did I ever do to you?

That's a good question, Peter.

What did you ever do to me? Hm? What did you ever do to James Woods?

I locked you in a wooden crate, forgot to put an air hole in it.

Forgot to put an air hole in it.

You had it coming.

Mr. Woods, just give Peter back his wallet.

Oh, no, Brian. I'm just getting started.

Peter, you humiliated me. You put me through hell.

And now you're gonna pay for it.

So get ready, f*ckers.

Oh, that kung pao chicken smells good. You smell that, Brian?

All I can smell is your ass.

Lois, we found the guy who stole my wallet.

You'll never guess who it was.

James Woods?

Hello, stranger.

I don't recall inviting you into my home.

Peter, he's been here for four hours.

I told him to leave, but he keeps saying he lives here.

I say, this is more uncomfortable than having James Brady at a cocktail party.

All right, so I got my hand g*n and I'm just randomly f*ring it... into a crowd of people and then...

And then what?

And nothing. Nothing.

No, no, I'm anxious to hear the conclusion of your story.

It's stupid.

Stupid story.

I'm calling the police.

That won't be necessary. I already did.

Hello, officer. Would you be kind enough to remove this trespasser from my home?

What? This is my house.

No, this house belongs to Peter Griffin. And that's me.

Driver's license, Social Security card, passport, title to the house.

This puts me in a tough spot.

Joe, you can't possibly believe this. You know who Peter is.

I know, Lois, but this man has all the paperwork.

Oh, come on, this is identity theft.

I hate to do this, but I'm afraid legally I have no choice.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir.

Thanks, Joe.

Clam later? We'll hoist a few?

Sure, Peter.

Joe.

Hey, not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes.

Oh, come on.

You heard him, fella. Take them off.

Right down to the poop sack.

What? You don't all wear a poop sack?

Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

Hello, family.

Hello, honey. Schnoobie-schnoobie-schnoobins.

Stop calling me that. I don't care what the law says.

You're not Peter Griffin, you're James Woods.

I should've warned you she can be a real bitch in the morning.

Mom, this is really weird. I want Dad back.

I don't. Having a celebrity dad is a real thrill.

Not like the fake thrill of running into your ex-girlfriend on the street.

Rob? Hey.

Hey. How are you? God, it's good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

How's my dog? I'm sorry, your dog.

Oh, I had to give him away.

Gave him away.

Well, Dave's allergic.

Dave! All right, so there's a Dave.

That's great. God, Dave sounds great.

Yeah, he is. And his parents are so sweet.

Met his parents and they're sweet. Just older Daves, huh. Ha-ha-ha.

What a family. God, it's good to see you.

You won't get away with this.

You're not supposed to be in the house, Brian.

You're more of an outdoor dog.

What the hell does that mean?

This is so humiliating.

For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out here tied a post like...

What the hell?

This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter.

What sort of black magic is this?

Brian, guess what.

I gave James Woods your novel to read, and you're not gonna believe this.

Really? Did he like it?

He wants to option it, make a movie.

Really?

No, he didn't really respond to it.

Oh. I need your help. Run inside and get me a pair of scissors.

No.

Why not?

Because you made me watch "Two Girls, One Cup. "

Okay, wait. So, what is this now?

Just watch.

Why are we taping my reaction?

Just watch.

Okay. They're lesbians, clearly.

I don't know...

I don't know what else...

Wait.

Wait.

Wait. Wait. What?

What? What?

No.

No.

Ah. Ahh! Ahh!

What is wrong with you? Oh, my God!

I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream again. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Uh!

Oh, that is disgusting.

Oh, my God.

Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that?

Oh, my God. That would be even worse.

I mean, like... Would that...? Would that even exist?

I mean... Like, where would you even find that?

Let's type it in and see what comes up.

So you can just rot out here, Brian.

Brian, what are you doing tied to Meg's pole?

James Woods did it. Where'd you get the clothes?

I always keep a spare at Quagmire's.

I gotta tell you, there was some weird stuff going on there today.

Quagmire, can I...?

Hang on a second.

That's why I contend that when Frost speaks of birch trees...

...he may very well be talking about himself.

No, Glenn, that's not...

Gloria, please.

You wanna hear my interpretation, or simply tell me I'm wrong?

I'm simply pointing out that...

Yes, we know, you're very well-read.

But this is poetry we're talking about. I think, when it comes to poetry...

...you can't be wrong. What, Peter?

Nothing, nothing. Sorry to interrupt.

The cedars represent society. Sorry to interrupt.

You get out of here. If James Woods sees you, he's gonna call the cops.

I miss my family, Brian, and I gotta see them.

Well, well. A trespasser on my property.

That's the worst thing that's happened to me since...

You wouldn't.

It's up to you, Peter.

Either you leave now or I set up one of your random flashbacks.

All right, all right, okay.

Peter, what do you care?

No, no, Brian, he's serious.

I'll come back for you, Lois.

And I'll set up all the flashbacks, just like I used to.

The time I swallowed that midget who played Mini-Me...

...so I could make you laugh.

You ready for dinner, Peter?

Oh, yeah.

In fact, my stomach has been talking to me all day.

I said, my stomach has been talking to me all day.

Come on, say the line.

Oh, oh, there he is. You know what, he slipped into my colon.

Yeah, oh, damn it, he's smothered.

But let me just ask you this, Lois.

If my stomach had said:

"Hell, yeah, I'm hungry. How about some pork chops?"

Would you have thought that was funny?

Not really.

Ah.

Well, then, this has been an absolute misfire.

Oh, this is just awful.

James Woods is destroying this family, and all just to get back at Peter.

I know, he's doing all the stuff Dad usually does.

Right now he's upstairs talking to Meg.

Now, Meg, you wanna be thin like all the Hollywood starlets, right?

Yeah, but I love to eat.

I've got a way that you can eat all you want...

...and look like a Hollywood starlet.

Meg, let me introduce you to Mr. Pukey.

Hi, Meg.

Hi.

Gosh, Mr. Pukey, you sure are good at making fat women hot.

Wow. Thanks.

You think you could help out my friend Meg here?

Yeah, I think I could give her a hand.

Now close your eyes, Meg, and let Mr. Pukey help you out.

Whoa. When did Reese Witherspoon get here?

Mr. Woods, how do I get a girl to like me?

Oh, Chris, I'm your father. Call me Dad.

Um, okay, Dad.

How do I get a girl to like me?

Well, there's a number of ways, Chris.

For example, Heather Graham and I had a mutual friend.

He threw a punch social one day and we both happened to be there.

Next thing you know, we're both in the back room. Slam, bang.

She didn't even make me use a rubber.

I went bareback.

She sounds like class act.

Oh, not at all, Chris. No, not at all.

Thanks, Dad. I feel better.

La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Off I go on my merry way Life is great And I'm happy with my dad

What am I gonna do, Brian?

James Woods has taken my life and my family.

But identity theft is one of the hardest things to fight.

How you gonna handle it?

I don't know.

All I know is, I sure do miss Lois.

I gotta find a way to see her.

And I think I just got an idea.

A much better idea than when I did magic for the blind.

Is this your card?

I don't know.

Was it a red card?

I don't know what red is.

Ta-da.

You know what's amazing? A week from tomorrow...

...it'll be 20 years we've been married.

I married Peter Griffin, you lunatic.

Hello. I was there, see?

Wow, same old p*ssy.

Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I brought a friend home for dinner.

Mom. Dad. This is Scooter.

Hello, Scooter.

Hi, Scooter.

Hey. Sure is swell of you to have me over.

What's for eats, Mrs. G?

Meat loaf, Pe... I mean, Scooter. I hope you like it.

Leaping lizards, meat loaf is my favorite.

How come we've never met you before?

Shut up, Meg.

You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table.

Oh, my bad, Mr. G.

Dad, no.

Ah-ha! I should have known.

Get out of my house right now, you son of a bitch.

Well, that's it, Brian. I guess he's won.

I guess he's Peter Griffin now.

Wait a minute, Peter.

If he's Peter Griffin...

...then that means you can be James Woods.

That's a great idea, Brian.

If I was a famous movie star, I wouldn't even want my family.

No, no, Peter. I'm saying you can do to him what he did you.

You can ruin him.

I'll do it. I'll be James Woods.

From this day forth, I am James Woods.

And I'll stick to that story, even if nobody believes it.

I'll tell you what nobody believes in, ghosts.

Damn. Play me off, Johnny.

You're probably wondering why he's in hell.

Johnny liked little boys.

The question is, how am I gonna make people think I'm James Woods?

The same way he did, Peter. Identity theft works both ways.

The first thing we're gonna do is get you a fake ID.

I know a guy who does good work.

You took a risk coming here. James Woods could be back any minute.

I know. How fast can you do it?

Fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

That's never happened to me before. It's just...

...you're so attractive and it's been a while.

I'm gonna go.

You know, some people say that's good for your hair.

Yeah. Thanks.

Welcome back to the program.

Please welcome our next guest, Mr. James Woods. Oh, James.

Wait a minute, you're not James Woods.

Oh, I believe I am.

Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.

What the hell is he doing?

Wow. I guess you are James Woods.

Let me understand this. What are you here to promote, James?

Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie coming out on HBO next month.

It's all about 9/11.

The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun.

No! No, no, no!

James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.

Well, you haven't heard what the movie's about.

I play a window washer...

...who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center.

Then I turn around to get off the scaffold...

...and what do you think I see coming? A plane.

And I go, "Come on!"

You know, it's real, real old-style comedy.

You know, it's like, it's like two pies in the face...

...and one in a field in Pennsylvania.

I don't wanna hear any more about this.

And the voice of the plane is David Spade.

What? I would never work with David Spade.

That dwarf. That skinny chickenshit.

Okay, I think we've heard enough of this. Now let's go to Michael Richards...

...for his apology regarding the incident at the Laugh Factory.

Michael, why don't you explain exactly what happened...

...for the folks who don't know.

I, uh, lost my temper on stage.

I got heckled and went into a rage.

And said some very nasty things to some Afro-Americans.

Stop laughing, it's not funny.

Well, Brian, it's been a productive week.

I think I've successfully destroyed James Woods' reputation. Here it is.

Well, our top story continues to be the fall of actor James Woods...

...who overnight has gone from America's most beloved celebrity...

...to America's most hated pariah.

You're in a lot trouble, Griffin! You m*therf*cker.

Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin. I'm James Woods.

You ruined my reputation. And now you are gonna pay for it.

We're gonna settle this like men.

All right, we'll settle it like men. But not here.

Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes.

I'll be there.

You be there too, you little f*gg*t.

All right, Peter, I'm here.

Where are you?

Oh, a piece of candy.

Oh, a piece of candy.

Oh, a piece of candy.

Oh, a piece of candy.

Oh, a piece of candy.

Oh, piece of candy.

Oh, a piece of candy.

Oh, a piece of candy.

Oh, a piece of candy.

Okay, next time let's remember this right away because he's done this twice.

Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back.

I missed you.

I missed you too, Lois.

So, what happened to James Woods?

Oh, he's being examined by top men.

Who?

Top men.