08x16 - April In Quahog

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ is v*olence in movies and sex on TV. ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ all the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry. ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story tonight, scientists at NASA have made a fascinating new discovery: The first directly observable instance of a black hole, which appears to be located just outside our solar system.

Tricia Takanawa has the story.

Tom, I'm standing here with Stephen Hawking, the first white man I've ever met who knows math better than me.

Mr. Hawking, what does the discovery of this black hole mean to you and your research?

(computerized voice): I am overjoyed.

This is the crowning achievement of my career.

It validates the work of a lifetime.

It certainly does.

Back to you, Tom.

Man: All right, we're clear.

(normal voice): I'm telling you, man, this shtick is getting so old.

That chair smells, dude.

Man: Hey, Steve, surf's up!

All right!

See you, bitch!

Everyone, guess what.

What?

I have been selected.

For what?

Oh, nothing too important, just jury duty!

They have summoned me.

I am part of an elite group of individuals deemed intelligent enough to decide the fate of a fellow citizen.

(laughs)

Ah, the amused laughter of the envious.

You know, they don't just pick anybody for this job.

Yeah, they do.

Brian, perhaps I have not made myself clear.

I have been entrusted to pass judgment upon others.

Everybody gets called for jury duty, you stupid idiot!

I've been called!

The only reason you've never been called is that they use the voter registration list, and this past election is the first time you ever voted.

I voted before.

I stuffed the ballot box at the Oscars.

And the nominees for Best Actor in a Leading Role are: Grover, Bluto from Popeye, a Red Guy, a Boob and Daniel Day Lewis.

And the Oscar goes to... a Red Guy!

(cheering, orchestra playing)

Wait a second. Y... You're saying that everyone is asked to do jury duty?

Yes, Peter.

So then, I'm not special?

Everyone's special, Peter.

Rock Drummer Tommy Lee?!

And if your wife ever tells you that you're not special, punch her really hard right in her hepatitis.

Thanks, Rock Drummer Tommy Lee!

Hey, and you know what else is cool?

Having sex with sunglasses on.

I've got a lot of things to try now!

I don't want to go to jury duty.

Turns out it's not a special honor at all. It's lame.

And the worst part is, they try and trick you into getting excited by putting "duty" in the title.

So, you were excited when you thought there was fecal matter involved?

What the hell is fecal matter?

Waste.

Huh?

Doody.

Ha-ha!

Peter, jury duty is an important cornerstone in our democratic society.

Yeah, that's what separates us from the monkeys.

That and the armed guards at the zoo.

Man, they got some sexy monkeys down there.

I don't care, jury duty sounds boring.

I'm gonna get myself kicked out.

Just like I got kicked out of Coldplay.

Guys, guys, I got an idea!

How 'bout we do a song that's not whiny bull crap?

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

We're gonna ask you a series of questions to determine whether or not you can be impartial jurors.

First off, do any of you have any prejudices you feel the court should know of?

Yes, you sir.

Ants. I hate ants.

What?

That's right, you heard me.

I'm an ant hater.

Just like my daddy and his daddy before him.

So, if this is an ant trial, forget it.

No way I'm gonna be fair.

Always making those cocky little hills.

Moving around all single file and stupid.

All ganging up and walking my pie off the picnic blanket.

(gasps)

'Twas my pie gone missing!

Sir, this is not an ant trial.

Oh.

Is there anything else we should know about?

Oh, have you not heard?

Heard what?

♪ A well-a-bird-bird-bird ♪
♪ B... bird's the word, a well-a-bird-bird-bird ♪
♪ B... bird's the word, a well-a... ♪

All right, now the prosecution is about to show you items pertinent to this case that have been entered into evidence.

It is vitally important that you look but don't touch, as any fingerprints could contaminate them.

Exhibit A, one bloody Slinky.

(sighs) Oh.

Exhibit B, one semen-covered View-Master.

(sighs louder) Oh!

With the reel of the Grand Canyon.

(sighs louder): Oh!

And a blood-splattered Mr. Potato Head.

(sighs louder) Oh!

And these socks you really need.

(groans) Oh!

All right, everyone, we're going to take a ten-minute recess.

I would like to remind members of the jury that you are forbidden to discuss details of the case outside the courtroom.

(gavel bangs)

Peter: Hey, how about this trial, huh?

And all its details.

Let's discuss them.

Man: He said not to!

Peter: Aw, hey, you know how the judge told us not to make up our minds beforehand?

Let's make up our minds.

Man: Griffin, shut up!

Peter: Hey, I know the judge said not to run in the hall, but check this out!

(rapid footsteps, Peter giggling)

Judge: Griffin! Knock it off!

Peter: Hey, come on, Judge, tell us the answer.

The Mexican guy did it, right?

Announcer: We now return to How Henry Kissinger Met Your Mother.

(German accent): I was walking with my professor when I saw this woman who was...

(speaking gibberish)

(canned laughter)

(speaking gibberish)

(canned laughter)

(speaking gibberish)

(canned laughter)

Stewie, can you please move?

You're blocking the TV.

No! And I'll thank you to quiet down.

I'm playing action figures.

Prepare to be bested on the b*ttlefield, Lion-O.

Oh, I don't think so, He-Man.

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry, did I punch you too hard?

Yes, I suppose you don't know your own strength.

I mean, look at your muscles.

Oh, stop it, you're the one with the sick abs.

God, my mouth is watering just looking at you.

Yeah, that's right.

You buy your kids ridiculously h*m* dolls and then ask what happened?

Yep. Your gay son is on you, buddy.

Explain that to your God.

Off to another day of jury duty, sweetie?

Yeah, and it sucks.

Even the vending machines are out of order.

(snickering)

I don't want to go back to stupid jury duty.

There's got to be some way I can get out of it.

This is Tom Tucker with some breaking news.

NASA has made the alarming announcement that the newly discovered black hole at the edge of our solar system appears to be expanding.

Neptune and Pluto have already been consumed, and scientists estimate that the event horizon will reach Earth by tomorrow.

That's right, Tom.

Which means that all life on Earth will be destroyed within twenty-four hours.

Oh, my God!

Mom, is... is this for real?

Well, it sure looks that way, sweetie.

It's the end of the world!

Holy crap!

(knocking)

Seems like I've run out of waiting time.

...but it looks like Nicole Ritchie's baby is gonna be just fine.

Also in the news, the doomsday clock is ticking with less than ninteen hours to go before our planet is consumed by an expanding black hole.

As Americans everywhere face their last day on Earth, one can only imagine how they're spending it.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Mort.

Now that the end of the world is here, I just wanted to say no hard feelings, huh?

(buzzer sounds) Ow!

Psych! Ha-ha!

Embedded in the hand.

Have fun where you're going.

Well, it's become clear, the only way to avert this disaster is by writing a strongly-worded letter to the black hole.

"Dear space. Well, you're just full of surprises, aren't you? You think you're so good 'cause you went to Choate. Well, you're not gonna be so tough when I put a fish bowl on my head and a rocket pack on my back and come up there and punch you."

Take that, Orion!

That's right.

All you are is a failed production company.

Joe, Joe, you got to help me.

You got to help me get laid!

What are you talking about, Quagmire?

I got to get laid!

You got to help me get laid!

I've never had sex!

What do you mean? You've had sex a million times.

Aw, that's all bluster.

I just talk big for the fellas.

I'm a virgin, Joe!

I don't want to die a virgin!

Help me, please!

Let me have sex with Bonnie!

(sighs)

I guess so.

For my friend, on our last day on Earth.

You're a good man, Joe Swanson.

How was your first time?

Ah, I've had sex lots of times.

I just wanted to have it again!

(humming lively tune)

Screw you!

Who else but Quagmire?

Well, Diane, now that our time is almost up, just to lighten the mood, we introduce a new feature called Tom's Crank Calls.

Let's dial that number, shall we?

Hello, is this Megan Fox?

I will k*ll you, do you understand?

If I can't have you, no one can.

I will k*ll you.

This is Tom Tucker.

Well, I know who you are.

(chuckles)

It's fun to see how people react when they're on the spot.

Look, since these are our final hours, I want you kids to know how much your father and I love you and how important this family is to us.

Oh, I'm scared.

I wonder what it's like to die.

I don't know, but from the look in a stray cat's eyes when you're pushing on its windpipe, I think it's pretty terrifying.

Like, panicky.

Hey, Brian, what do you think is gonna happ...

What was that...

You were praying.

Come on, no, I wasn't.

Yes, you were.

You were praying, I saw!

No, man, it was a joke!

You were praying!

It was a goof! I was goofing on you!

You're... you're... you're disingenuous.

Hello, everybody.

This is Montecore. He's my lion.

I have a lion now.

(roars)

Peter, what the hell?!

You know, I went to the zoo last week and asked if I could do it, and they told me to scram.

Went to the zoo this morning with a shotgun and now I have a lion.

Does it bite?

Of course it bites, it's a lion.

Peter, get off the lion.

We should spend some time together as a family.

I don't think so, Lois.

But the world is ending.

We should be spending these final hours with the people we love most.

Lois, a day ago, I was stuck on jury duty.

Today, I have a golden ticket to do whatever the hell I want.

I feel like an old guy who's reliving his youthful shenanigans.

Tell me about when you were young, Grandpa.

Oh, sonny, those were crazy times.

My friends and I were out of control.

We used to give each other wet-willies and funny arms.

We'd play dandy-balls and legs-a-spread and penis-butt.

Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa.

It was gay. Everyone was.

But, back then, we were called pole-fancies.

It was real, good old-fashioned "grab the nearest tree and hold on for dear life" gay, not today's fancy, featherbed, thread-count gay.

People got hurt back then!

That's gay.

Yeah, it was pretty gay.

What the hell are you doing with a musket?

Last day on Earth.

I've always wanted to save a Native American family from rapacious cavalrymen.

(villagers screaming)

(shrieks)

Yeah... this one'll do nicely.

(g*nsh*t)

Peter: Let her go.

You don't have to be afraid of him anymore.

Tucker: Stay with us as the countdown to Doomsday continues with just six more hours to go.

The only thing that's nice about this is even though it's a Tuesday, it feels kinda like it's a Friday.

Peter, where are you going?

Last day on Earth, last chance to do this.

I'm gonna find a black neighborhood and see what happens if I yell the you-know-what word.

They respected me for saying it.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is it, our final minutes.

Any moment now, the Earth will be sucked into the gaping maw of the black hole.

We here at Channel Five would like to leave you with some highlights of mankind's brief existence, like the Battle of Hastings.

Guys, if we win this, we get Hastings!

Yeah, let's do it!

Let's go!

All right, Hastings!

The Ottoman Empire.

Ah, I could get used to this.

You know what?

This is what I want our empire to be about.

The first television broadcast.

(playing light melody with piano)

And with only thirty seconds to go, we thank you for choosing Channel Five as your Armageddon network.

Mom, where's Dad?!

I don't know, Chris.

Sorry I'm late, guys.

Peter, where have you been?!

Look, you try scheduling a haircut today.

You know, you'd think you'd wanna spend your last day on Earth with your family!

Hey, I'm here, aren't I?

With only seconds left!

Don't you love me?!

Of course I love you, Lois!

You're the most important person in the world to me!

You promise?

I promise!

Ten, nine, eight...

I just hate bein' around the kids.

What?!

...six, five, Sorry, I just thought I'd be honest since we're gonna die.

...three, two, one.

Both: April Fools!

What?!

You gotta be kiddin' me!

We're not gonna die?!

No, we're not gonna die!

(all cheering)

Wait, what did Dad just say?

Yes, April Fools!

We at Channel Five News concocted the whole black hole story as part of our commitment to being festive around the holidays.

And with only eighty-seven suicides and widespread looting, we think this was a pretty successful practical joke.

You dicks!

Hey, how do ya like that, Lois?

We're gonna live!

Peter, what did you mean by what you said, you hate bein' around the kids?

Yeah, Dad, what did you mean?

Don't you like us?

Yeah, what gives?

Well... Oh, come on.

I... I didn't mean that. I was just jokin' around.

Hey, gimme a big hug.

How about a big hug for old Dad?

Kids, why don't you go upstairs so your father and I can talk.

Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris.

Let's get outta here.

Well, I'm off to serve food at the soup kitchen.

Now that I lived through this, I kinda have to keep a promise I made to someone.

Stewie: It's God!

Peter, what did you mean?

All right, you want the truth?

They bore the hell outta me, Lois.

Bore the hell outta you?!

They're your kids!

I know, and I love 'em, but don't you just sometimes wish they'd run away or get kidnapped and be made to work in a Temple of Doom?

(hums Temple of Doom theme)

How can you even say that?!

Because, Lois. Meg tells a story that makes you wanna blow your brains out, Stewie just sits there and Chris is always leaving his Russian mice around.

Get outta here!

(Russian accent): Okay, okay, you don't have to yell.

Let us go find das vaginya.

Listen to you!

You don't know your own kids!

That's the problem!

It's not them, it's you!

Me?!

Yes, you!

And you know what?

You've hurt your kids worse than any black hole could!

Lois, you're overreacting.

This'll all blow over by tomorrow.

Morning, (bleep).

Ha-ha, I'm just kiddin'!

So what do we got, pancakes? Cool!

Hey, what's on tap for school today, kids?

Shut up, Dad.

Whatever.

So, Chris, how, uh, how are all your friends at school?

What do you care?

You don't know who my friends are.

Sure, I do.

Um, Chandler...

Fonzie... and Remington Steele?

You got lucky, Dad.

So, Stewie, how's everything goin' in Lego Land?

Oh, pretty good. I made a spaceship...

Wait a minute. I'm not talkin' to you.

Come on, guys. Let's go eat in the living room.

It stinks in here.

Oh, no, does it stink 'cause I farted?

'Cause sometimes I can suck 'em back up.

I think we can make up some of these losses in the third quarter.

(Peter farts, pneumatic sucking sound)

What was that?

What was what?

Oh, nothing.

I thought I smelled a fart, but now I don't.

They, uh, they're really pissed at me, aren't they?

Oh, look who's startin' to get it.

Peter, they heard you say you hate being around them.

They, they know you have no interest in getting to know them.

I mean, how... how would you feel?

Well, right now I feel like a jerk.

Peter, if you really do care about your kids, you're gonna have to earn back their respect and affection.

How do I do that?

You gotta spend time with them and make their interests your interests.

(sighs) I guess you're right, Lois.

I'm always screwin' up.

Like that time with Jason Mraz.

Oh, my God! You're Jason Mraz!

No, I'm not.

I'm just some guy with a hat.

Yeah, that's who Jason Mraz is!

(sweetly): Hey, buddy.

What's goin' on?

You having your period?

What?!

I'm just trying to take an interest in your interests.

My period's not an interest.

It's something that happens to me that I cannot control.

Gross.

All right, I'm gonna go talk to Chris.

Hi, Chris.

Hello... Peter.

You know, I was just thinkin', when I was your age, my Uncle Roy shared a beer with me.

I drank it, and I was so excited, I fell asleep.

I must have tossed and turned somethin' fierce, 'cause when I woke up, my pants were off.

Never saw much of Uncle Roy after that.

Turns out we weren't even related.

Anyway, I thought him sharing that beer with me was the coolest thing ever.

And I know nowadays things are different... so I got some crystal meth.

I figured we could do it together as father and son.

I don't know about that.

Tell you what, I'll get us started.

(sniffing)

Ah... That feels... that feels better.

You sure that stuff is okay?

All I know is the guys who made it are dead.

Why is there no hole in this wall?

You know, this thing is buggin' me.

All right, I'm gonna take a hike.

So you gonna introduce me to your pals?

That's Trapjaw.

That's Optimus Prime.

That's Destro.

And that's a Care Bear.

You havin' a tea party?

No, we're working out a land deal.

Trapjaw is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within ten feet of Optimus Prime's property line.

Destro is the City Councilman who's telling Trapjaw that he has to file it as an accessory structure, and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot.

And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear.

I am so (bleep) ready!

I don't know, Lois, I tried my best.

I don't know what else I possibly could have done.

Peter, you're just gonna have to do better.

Somehow you've gotta let those kids know that they matter to you.

(sighs) I'll try, Lois.

Kids, come in here!

Your father's got somethin' to say!

Look, I know you kids ain't too happy with your dad right now, but I hope at least you could see that I'm tryin'.

I mean, I know sometimes we don't get along with each other.

Hell, if we weren't all related, this would be like the worst table at the wedding.

But we're... we're part of a family.

And I'm still your father.

And I promise I love you.

Well, then how come you said you hated spending time with us?

Look, I may not have said exactly what I meant.

But I... I can still be your dad even if we don't have any of the same interests.

So what do you say, are we a family again?

I don't buy it.

Me neither.

When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in.

I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and poop out half-digested mice.

Well, then, I guess there's only one thing I can do to regain your love.

Who wants a brand new Xbox?

Yay!

Oh, Daddy!

Oh, my God, you're the best father ever!

(all clamoring)

Well, I guess if you can't earn your kids' respect, you can always buy it.

(all laughing)

There's some awesome stuff in the garbage.

Dad, can we please have a turn at the Xbox?

Just a second, Meg. I'm still trying to get the hang of this.

Okay, guys, tell me again, uh, now, which one do I press to sh**t now?

Damn it! Ah, crap.

Teenage boy: Who's the douchebag who keeps dyin'?

Peter: I'm not a douchebag. I'm new.

Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end?

Peter: All right, I'll go crouch behind the, uh...

Is this a crouch button?

Ah! Who dropped a grenade?!

Idiot!

Learn how to play!

Moron!

Quagmire: You suck!