09x02 - Excellence in Broadcasting

[bunniefuu]

What's wrong with the TV?

Nothing, Chris.

All the shows are in widescreen now.

So you can see all the stuff on the sides that you couldn't before.

Announcer: We now return to The Brady Bunch.

See, look. Here's what you used to see.

Good night, Mike.

Good night, Carol.

And here's the stuff you missed.

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ all the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry. ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Family Guy 9x02
Excellence in Broadcasting
Original Air Date on October 3, 2010

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Diane can't be with us today.

Where is Diane, Ollie?

She dead!

Thanks, Ollie.

Yes, Diane is no longer with us.

She was sh*t by an unknown assailant, after she herself committed a series of gruesome murders.

I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney.

Welcome, Joyce.

Thanks, Tom.

Wow, you sound crazy nervous.

In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park.

Two children are missing.

(Gasps)

I was just there.

Oh, boy.

Don't let Brian see this.

It says here that Rush Limbaugh will be signing books at the Quahog Mall.

Brian (in distance): I have very good hearing!

(Footsteps approaching)

He's awful.

But I thought Rush Limbaugh is a fictional character played by Fred Savage.

Where'd you hear that?

Fox News.

Then it's a lie.

Everything Fox News says is a lie.

But this one's true, Mom.

You saw it with your own eyes and then you reported it on Fox News.

Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies.

Why's Limbaugh coming here?

Don't they have bookstores at the n*zi fascist... fascist fat camp where he, where he go...

Where he... Where he is a counselor?

I tell you what, Brian, if you want, we'll give you another cr*ck at that.

This guy single-handedly set political discourse back a hundred years.

You know what? I'm gonna go down there and give that bastard Limbaugh a piece of my mind.

But first I'm gonna sit here and stare at this brown paper bag I'm pretty sure has food in it.

(Sniffing)

Peter: No!

Ah, oh, well.

Look at him.

His side screwed up our country for a generation.

I hate everything about that man.

I'm gonna go tear him a new one.

I'm gonna go find some hardcover photography books of tasteful nudes.

Stewie: Oh, my God, yes, that is tasteful!

Hey, my friend, who should I make this out to?

Listen, Limbaugh, my name is Brian Griffin, and I have got something to say to you.

Our republic has been bastardized and royally screwed up thanks to you jackasses.

You suck!

And you're terrible.

And... And And you've div...

You've been divorced several times.

Yes, uh, valid points you're raising, my friend, and I respect you for raising them.

But may I ask you a question?

Okay.

Have you ever read anything I've written?

Well, no, I haven't.

But I've read things other people have written about the things you've written, and I do not approve of the things I've read from others about the things they've read from you.

Not one bit, sir.

For crying out loud, Brian, read my book.

Judge for yourself.

I'd sooner spend a night watching European p*rn.

Man (moaning): Provo! Provo!

Woman (moaning): Ah-shnork! Ah-shnork!

Provo! Ah-shnork!

(Loudly): Provo! Provo! (Loudly): Ah-shnork! Ah-shnork!

Kaloooooof!

A'gerta!

Stupid right-wing d*ck.

Yeah, you... Hey, y... You want to sign my book?

Yeah, you can sign my ass book.

Is what would've been awesome to say.

Oh, no. It's a multiracial TV g*ng, including white guys.

Well, well, what do we got here?

Let's b*at him up, but not because of his color, 'cause that doesn't matter to us.

(Blows landing)

Wow.

Thanks, Rush.

Ah, it was nothing. I mean, you'd have done the same thing for me.

Uh, yeah, of course.

Hey, you... You dropped something.

You think you might give it a read now?

Uh, well...

What... What if I stick a piece of bologna in the book, and I don't tell you which page?

Would you read it, then, Brian?

Would you read it to find the page with the bologna?

Okay, look, I'll read four pages of your book tonight.

All right? Four pages.

That's it.

And maybe more if tonight's episode of The Office ends up sucking.

(Sighs)

Four pages. Done.

Moving on.

Rainn Wilson: I know my staplers by sound and by weight.

And that stapler, good sir, is a "Schrute."

Ha! Look at John Krasinski look at the camera.

He can't believe this guy!

(Remote clicks)

Aw, but there were gonna be more hijinks in Scranton.

(Giggles): Scranton.

Dunder Mifflin.

(Giggles)

Funny words are funny.

Oh, my God.

Rush Limbaugh was right all along.

Conservative Republicanism is the answer.

Good. Good for Brian.

Brian, look at this.

Now, this is a tasteful nude.

It's called "A Saucy Outing In Tottenham Court Square."

Brian, are you reading the new Rush Limbaugh book?

Yeah, I picked it up at the mall yesterday.

I... I can't believe I'm saying this, but this might be the best book I've ever read.

Brian, you got to be joking.

No, I mean it, Lois.

You know, I've never actually read any of Limbaugh's stuff, but this book makes an excellent case for personal accountability, fiscal responsibility and steak eatership.

But you're a hard-core liberal.

Rush Limbaugh is a right-wing extremist.

He stands for everything you despise.

My loyalty is to reason, Lois.

And as a reasonable person, I reserve the right to change my mind when presented with new information that alters my perspective.

And I got to tell you, I had this guy all wrong.

I mean, some of the stuff in here is... Hey, bologna!

Thank you, friends.

It's always a pleasure to meet regular, real Americans.

Love the Hummer, Rush.

How do you like it?

It is the best.

I'm not saying you'd have to be gay to drive something else.

But if you drive something else, you're probably a guy who likes to pleasure other men sexually.

(Murmurs of agreement)

Hey, it's my new friend, Brian!

Hi, Rush.

Listen, I... I have to tell you, I read your book and it was very persuasive.

I knew you'd like it, and I'm glad you enjoyed it, Brian, I really am.

Oh, I... I more than enjoyed it.

Ev... Every page just spoke to me.

And... And, you know, talking to you now, I just, I... I want to find the right words to describe how much I agree with you.

I got the words, Brian.

"Thank you, Rush, for doing my thinking for me, "'cause I lack the ability to think critically and independently."

Yes, that!

You should be proud of yourself, Brian.

I mean, you sound like a thoughtful American.

Well, listen, I'd really love to pick your brain some more and hear some of your other thoughts about what's going on in this country.

I can do even better than that, Brian.

Wow.

Never thought I'd set foot inside Republican National Headquarters.

This is amazing.

And it gets better, Brian.

Come on, I'm gonna introduce you to some of my pals here.

Brian, meet George W. Bush.

Hey, Georgie!

Uncle Rush!

(Chuckles): Hey! Whoo!

You are getting heavy.

I know. I'm 64 and three-quarters.

You sure are, slugger.

Hey, you got one for me?

What? What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, Uncle Rush.

I... I don't know what you're talking about, really.

Come on!

Oh. Wait a second.

Yay! Yippee!

Thanks, Uncle Rush!

Don't tell my dad.

Hey, there, Rush. How you doing?

Hey, John.

Hey, I'd like you to meet my friend, Brian.

Brian, John McCain.

Gosh, it sure is a pleasure, Mr. McCain.

How do you two know each other?

Oh, Rush and I used to solve mysteries together back in the day.

I don't understand, John.

The groundskeeper said he saw the mummy burning the flag.

But mummies don't hate America.

They sure don't, Rush. But Democrats do.

Ruh-roh. Remocrats.

(Teeth rattling)

Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog.

But I think it's time we unravel the mummy and the mystery.

I don't get it, John.

How's a pig gonna help us lure the mummy?

Rush, I've never known a Democrat to pass up pork.

(Snickering)

(Moaning)

Gotcha!

Now let's find out who you really are.

Rush and John: It's old man Barney Frank!

And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling Republicans.

Thanks for all your help, Globetrotters.

That was a cold swish.

Put her there.

Aw, no, no, no, no.

(Laughter)

Look, Brian, all I'm saying is, it's not normal for people to change their political views so radically overnight.

Lois, no offense, but you don't exactly know what you're talking about.

I mean, you're... You're not exactly a fountain of political knowledge yourself.

(Sighs) You want to know what I think is happening here?

Oh, this should be rich and overtaxed.

I think you just got to be in the "out" group.

Whoever's on top, whoever's in power, whoever's successful, you got to be on the other side or you don't feel like the smartest guy in the room.

All you are, my dear, is a contrarian.

Oh, please, you could not be more off base.

Oh, yeah? Let me ask, what did you think of the movie Titanic?

Horrible. One of the worst movies ever made.

Mm-hmm. How about Slumdog Millionaire?

Overrated. Just a terrible movie.

Cocktail.

Actually, not a bad film.

You know, as classically structured cinema, Cocktail was one of the best films of its era.

You make me sick, Brian.

Look, Lois, if I were you, I'd stow that attitude, because Rush Limbaugh is coming over for dinner tonight.

Lois, this dinner looks delicious.

Oh, well, thank you.

Dig in, everyone.

Whoa, hang on, hang on.

I think you're forgetting the grace, Lois.

(Sighs)

Dear God who definitely exists, we, your people, who have been on this planet for 6,000 years and not a second more, wish to thank you for this bounty, and for keeping Congress predominantly white through Christ our Lord, amen.

So, Rush, I see you made it here okay, driving on roads built with public funds, by the government.

Yeah, what about that, Rush?

I guess the government's pretty good, like Lois says.

Actually, I took the toll roads. Privately built.

Way smoother than the crumbling public road system.

Yeah, Lois. Government sucks at doing stuff.

Oh, no, toll roads sound great.

Too bad only the very rich can afford to use them.

I agree with Lois.

Well, maybe more people could if the government wasn't taxing the bajeezus out of them.

Now I agree with Rush.

I'm too a'stupid to make up my own mind.

Yeah, okay. Whatever you say, Rush.

So... Nice weather today.

Yeah, unseasonably cool.

I guess we can forget that whole global warming myth.

Global warming is not a myth, you son of a bitch!

Look, what the hell are you so hostile for?

Because you brainwashed our dog.

Hey, listen, sister, I just...

(Farting)

I'm sorry.

Look, all I did was expose Brian to a different way of thinking.

He embraced... Oh, God, I'm gonna move over here.

He embraced it on his own, Lois.

Well, after Rush opened my eyes, I am seeing the world in a whole new way now.

To quote a famous troublemaker, "I have a dream..."

♪ I dream of Republicantown, ♪
♪ where men to the right of the aisle ♪
♪ don't back down. ♪
♪ The streets are aglow with the smell of apple pies. ♪
♪ And babies come out of the womb in coats and ties... ♪

Nice place, huh, Rush?

It's a paradise, Brian.

♪ Trees grow from Republican sod. ♪
♪ And everyone prays to a proper right-wing God. ♪
♪ Republican Catholics? ♪
♪ Yes, indeed, there are. ♪
♪ Republican Muslims? ♪
♪ Well, let's not go too far. ♪

No Muslims?

Nah, too many tall buildings.

♪ They've outlawed all abortions, ♪
♪ late or early. ♪
♪ It's a sin we can't abide. ♪
♪ What if you find a fetus left abandoned? ♪
♪ We just take it and we jam it back inside. ♪
♪ Oh, yes, 'cause I dream of Republicantown, ♪
♪ the place where the happiest smile is Cheney's frown. ♪
♪ I'll bet you a buck you won't find a damn thing wrong. ♪
♪ 'Cause when you come down to it, ♪
♪ this is where we all belong. ♪

Who else lives here?

Oh, big names, Lois.

♪ We're watching Republican stars. ♪
♪ Like sweet Mickey Rourke and his gorgeous right-wing scars. ♪
♪ Chuck Norris is one. ♪
♪ And he's got a right-wing beard. ♪
♪ Jon Voight is another. ♪
♪ He's just right-wing weird... ♪

His, uh... His daughter's pretty hot, though.

At one time, Brian. At one time.

♪ But how about global warming? ♪
♪ It's a snow job ♪
♪ by Obama and his crew. ♪
♪ But aren't all his findings backed by science? ♪
♪ Careful, Lois, now you're sounding like a Jew. ♪

Oy.

♪ We dream of Republicantown, ♪
♪ where Clinton is viewed as a crazy commie clown. ♪
♪ A place where America's growing free and strong. ♪
♪ 'Cause when you come down to it, this is where ♪
♪ we all... belong. ♪

Well, I got to tell you, I'm not buying any of this crap.

Rush, we want our dog back.

Whoa, hang on, Lois.

What are you saying? I don't have a mind of my own?

That's insulting. And... And you know what?

I don't... I don't like the way you've been talking to Rush this evening.

You know, I... I thought you were my friends.

But if you can't accept me now that we disagree about certain things, then maybe you aren't the friends I thought you were. I'm moving out.

What?!

No!

Again?

I'm gonna go stay with Rush Limbaugh.

Right, Rush?

Huh?

I'm gonna stay with you.

Uh... yeah, yeah, sure.

That... That's fine.

Oh, this is a bad idea.

But I guess sometimes Fox has bad ideas, huh?

Let's all just sit here for a moment and remember that this was a thing.

Morning, Rush.

Hey, thanks again for letting me stay here.

Oh, it's not really any trouble, Brian.

What do you figure, just a few days?

Aw, man, who knows?

It's just so good to be out of there.

Hey, you know, I've been reading all your books and I so 100% agree with you.

I mean, what is going on with this country?

I mean, wake up, America.

I mean, these taxes, right? I mean, am I right?

About the taxes? You know?

Yeah, taxes are pretty high.

Is... Is... Is that a new coffee machine?

Oh, yeah, I took the liberty of replacing your old one with a new, American-made coffee machine.

(Electrical crackling)

In fact, I got you a bunch of new, topnotch, American-made stuff.

What else did you buy?

Oh, a couple things: That light fixture... new heat regulator on your stove... your man-bra... your garbage disposal... your dishwasher... and your new cat.

(Cow bellowing): Moo.

And you're listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show.

I want to take a moment to give a shout-out to my good friend Ken Lay, faked his own death, listening in on a ham radio somewhere in international waters.

Smooth sailin', Kenny Boy.

Hey, Rush?

Is it okay to hang out in here?

Wh... All right, fine, just don't say anything, okay?

So, friends, we were talking about Nancy Pelosi.

How do we stop her?

How do we stop the Pelosi agenda?

Hey, I'll tell you how.

You strap her to a board, put a cloth in her mouth and pour water over it to simulate drowning.

Yeah! Small government!

And why don't we take a short break here, folks.

We'll be right back.

Brian, are you nuts?

What the hell kind of show do you think I'm doing here?

Wha... What? What are you... Come on. Pelosi's a monster.

And she's addicted to cr*ck. Come on, you're with me on this.

Of course she's addicted to cr*ck, but you can't just say that.

You got to lead people there with an intelligent argument so they arrive at it on their own.

Hey, come on, man. We got to tell people how it is.

We got to get them on board with us.

Brian, look, there is no victory unless people know why they were wrong to disagree with you in the first place.

Boy, do you sound soft.

What the hell's your problem, Brian?

My... My problem?

My... Right now my problem seems to be that I am talking to a Pelosi-lover.

What?!

Yeah, that's right.

You love Pelosi.

You know what? It's time for you to go.

Right now.

Hey, fine.

I don't have to sit here and waste my time with a softie.

You... You call yourself a Republican?

Republicans don't shy away from a fight.

And I'm gonna prove it to you.

Aha!

Who are you?

How did you get in here?

Shut up, Pelosi.

Are you here to take my baby?

No, I'm here to strap you to a board, put a cloth in your mouth and pour water over it to simulate the sensation of drowning.

Yeah! Traditional values!

Griffin, you've been bailed out.

Oh, Rush, thank God.

Boy, you got down here quick.

Yeah, I keep Strom Thurmond's corpse in the front seat so I can use the carpool lane.

Oh.

Okay, well, come on, let's go home.

Great idea.

Time for you to go home.

Home to the Griffins.

Wh... What do you mean?

That's where you belong, Brian.

You're not really a conservative.

What are you... That's not true.

I am conservative.

I support the death penalty to show people that k*lling is wrong.

And that's great, Brian.

Look, I... I make a living persuading others to join my side.

But I'd never, ever want somebody to be something they're not.

You're a liberal, Brian.

I mean, what about that four-year-old that was ex*cuted in Texas?

There was a four-year-old ex*cuted in Texas?

Not really, but you see, Brian, your concern betrays you.

I know your type.

It's not a coincidence you turned your back on your democratic principles just when the Democrats became the political establishment.

All you want is something to fight against.

I mean...

I suppose we shouldn't be executing children.

You see?

You're not really one of us.

Oh, my God...

Lois was right.

Right there. See, the fact that you would give a woman credit for anything...

It means you're a liberal, Brian.

It's time for you to spread your two left wings and fly.

Does this... Does this mean I'll never see you again?

Oh, I'll be around.

Wherever there's a rich white guy in need of another tax break, I'll be there.

Wherever there's a brain-dead woman in need of expensive life support her husband doesn't want, I'll be there.

Wherever there's a country that needs to be invaded for reasons that don't exactly pan out, I'll be there, too.

Oh, yes, I will be around.

Hey, Limbaugh.

I think you're a boneheaded, fascist, corporate-shilling blowhard.

Look, you little smartass, I think you are a Godless, socialist, pot-smoking, maggot-infested member of the blame-America-first crowd, and I think you want the t*rrorists to win.

(Takes a deep breath)