09x03 - Welcome Back, Carter

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ is v*olence in movies and sex on TV. ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ all the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry. ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Family Guy 9x03
Welcome Back Carter
Original Air Date on October 10, 2010

Oh, Lois, I'm so glad you were able to make it to dinner tonight.

Oh, me, too, Mom.

We haven't seen you in ages.

Oh, there you are.

Did you find the new bathroom okay?

Uh-huh.

I'm so sorry about your father keeping us.

He's probably down at the dock tinkering with that darn yacht of his.

Oh, that's okay, Mom.

We'll just have to entertain ourselves for...

Hey, Babs, settle something for us.

I wanted to bring, um, an owl on this trip, but Lois wouldn't let me.

Could you have accommodated an owl?

Well, I suppose there's some room in the owlery, but I can't be certain.

I'll take that as a yes.

You owe Dr. Hoo an apology.

Hey, can we change the channel?

I'm tired of watching old ships.

Peter, that's not a TV, it's a painting.

Actually, Lois, it is a TV.

It's the PBS show Old Ships.

Good, I hate PBS.

Announcer: This PBS program is brought to you by generous grants from the Arthur Vining Davis Foundations and the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation in association with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, with additional funding by Archer Midland Whiteman Colgate Palmolive, Exxon Mobil, and a 20 I found in a blazer I wore to a wedding last year.

Tonight, on Ken Burns' nine-part series on street signs: "Part Four: Yield."

Old Man: Before they had the sign, people just run into each other.

I don't know, maybe... Maybe you had to see the first three to get this, but I... I am completely lost.

Lois, you said there would be other men my own age here.

But there aren't, and I'm bored.

Look, Peter, why don't you just grab a book off the shelf and be quiet?

No! Books are jerks.

Stop acting like a brat.

What about a picture book?

Only if it has a mirror at the end of it, and it says, "How about you?"

Oh, wow, look at these old photos of you and Dad.

This must be around the time you guys were first dating, huh?

Oh dear, yes.

Ah, your father was so handsome back then.

I remember the day we met.

Barbara: It was one of those lovely, warm summer days by the shore.

Perfect giant beach ball weather.

Would you like another John Barrymore and soda?

Ah, yes. Thank you, Clarence.

How are things in Terriblehood?

Terrible, sir.

Good, good.

Ah! You dumb bitch!

Barbara: My friend and I held our breath, wondering which one of us he was talking to.

But the lucky one was me.

And from there, our romance blossomed.

Boy, you can take a punch, but at the same time, you cowered a little bit.

Now, that's a woman.

(giggles)

I love you, Pussycup.

I love you, too.

Now, let's kiss while the camera pans over to the drapes.

Carter: Good stuff happening over here.

All implied.

Barbara: It was the happiest time of our lives.

Unfortunately, that was the year the great w*r with Alaska broke out, and even Carter's lofty connections couldn't save him from the draft.

(expl*si*n)

In one of the bloodiest battles of the w*r, Carter nearly lost his life in the battle with the infamous, walrus-backed Nanookwaffe.

(roaring)

But through all of it, Carter never forgot to write to me daily to send his love along with a mix tape.

Carter: Babs, you want to spend a mind-blowing afternoon?

Get stoned and listen to this song.

Woman: ♪ Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers? ♪

Barbara: But after some months, the letters stopped coming, and I was certain he had perished.

So I took up with a young dandy named Rodginald.

He would bring me small chocolates and sit in my front parlor and pitch woo at me, taking my hand gently and singing from bended knee the popular songs of his youth.

♪ Marry me ♪
♪ and I will buy you chewing gum. ♪

Barbara: With no other suitors to speak of, I agreed that I would marry him forthwith, even though my heart still belonged to Carter.

(elegant music playing)

I believe Rodginald knew this, and he even tried to strike me in the manner to which I had become accustomed.

(hands slapping)

But it wasn't the same.

And then a miracle happened.

Babs!

Carter!

Oh!

Oh, Carter, you're alive!

I've missed you so.

Babs, be my wife!

Oh, yes, Carter, yes!

Hey, that's my gal!

Dear, sir, I respectfully urge you to prepare yourself for one devil of a skirmish!

Oh, I always love hearing that story, Mom.

I got a story about a fat guy who's starving and bored.

Look, Peter, if you're that hungry, go down to the dock and find Daddy, and we'll get dinner started.

You're not gonna get dinner started.

She's gonna tell that sloppy old Spanish maid to do it.

And she will, but only because she needs money to pay for medicine for her prematurely overweight son Diabeto.

Mama, may I have cookie?

No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen.

Oh...!

Mr. Pewterschmidt!

Mr. Pewterschmidt, dinner's ready!

Damn it, he can't hear me.

(Pewterschmidt laughing)

Ah, that was excellent.

When I clenched it, you took your fingers away.

You were right to do that.

Oh, my God!

(gasps)

Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair?! Ew!

No, no, this is my sister.

Ew!

No, no, no, I'm impotent.

Ew!

I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself.

Ew!

I mean, she's a man.

Ew!

We need more Es and Ws down here now!

Man: We're trying!

We're running out of letters!

Just turn the Ms upside down and send them down here!

You can't just do that!

There's a lot of paperwork before you can...

I don't care! I'll take the heat!

Just turn them over and send them down!

Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair?!

Now, look, Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here.

But how can you be having an affair?

What about Babs?

That's not your concern.

You didn't see anything.

Remember that or I'll ruin you.

Okay, okay, I promise.

I'll be as quiet as a church mouse.

Hey, Billy, I was gonna have a party at the rectory this evening.

Do you like sacramental wine and mouse Russell Crowe movies?

Oh, boy, do I!

Hey, can my sister come?

No! She'd ruin it!

Now, remember, you keep your mouth shut about what you saw.

Yes, sir, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Oh, there you are, boys.

Sorry, sweetheart, I lost track of time.

Right, Peter?

(forced laugh)

I'm Peter.

Well, let's eat, huh?

You must be starving, Peter.

What am I, on trial here?!

Uh, maybe you should just eat something, Peter.

Go on, put some food in your mouth.

Y... Y... Yes, sir, I sure will, Mr. Cooterschmidt... Pewterschmidt! Oh, God!

Peter, are you feeling all right?

Oh, he's fine.

You know how hungry a man gets after a day at sea.

He eats with porpoise.

Ha-ha! Oop!

Peter, for God's sake, you're always an embarrassment at the table.

You should've seen him when we had dinner with Paul McCartney's ex-wife.

He kept playing footsie with her under the table.

(giggling)

(loud thunk)

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

Um, hey, guys?

Uh, I... I got a problem.

Um, you know how Lois has that dad?

Yeah.

Well, we were there the other night for dinner, and I caught him cheating with some bimbo.

Oh, my God!

You're kidding!

Anyway, he told me not to tell anybody, but I'm having a real hard time not telling Lois.

How could you not?

Peter, once entered into, marriage is a sacred bond: An alliance blessed by God and hallowed by the community.

That's why I'll never opt for the matrimonial condition.

It wouldn't be fair to the historical framework of the institution.

But for those who do, and then turn their back on its long-standing convictions? Shame!

This is unwelcome news, Peter. Very unwelcome.

Yeah, I know, but I don't know what to do.

It's really hard keeping my mouth shut.

Actually, you know something, Peter.

This... This could be an opportunity for you.

What do you mean?

Well, Lois's dad is loaded.

Y... You could probably get him to pay through the nose to keep your mouth shut.

Yeah, you could really milk this thing, Peter.

Huh, I never thought of it like that.

Wait a minute. You're not serious.

That's totally unethical.

Yeah, Brian, no one cares what you think.

Peter, you could make him your sl*ve!

Oh, man. He'd hate that even more than he hates sitcom two-parters.

Tootie, it's 8:29!

Now either try that beer or dump it down the sink! Wait!

Oh! Now, I have to wait a whole week to find out if she gave in to peer pressure at that drinking party!

(door shuts)

Carter! Carter, wake up!

(snorts) It's o... It's okay, Lois.

Daddy's just taking your temperature.

Wh... What?

Wh... What is it?

I heard a noise downstairs.

(sighs) I'll go have a look.

It's probably just the wind.

The wind, dear.

Is that how you say that?

I've only seen that word written.

(water splashing)

Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Griffin! What the hell are you doing in my house?!

Well, I was getting ready to watch a movie on your big TV, but first I thought I'd use your hot bubbly toilet.

That's not a toilet!

Hey, when's it go down, by the way?

It's just doing a lot of loop-de-loops.

Get the hell out of there, you son of a bitch!

Oh, no, no. No, you don't get to talk to me like that anymore.

Not unless you want me to blab about what happened on the yacht.

What are you getting at, Griffin?

That's right, you're gonna start doing a lot of stuff for me.

Like what?

Well, for starters, you got more than one limo?

Yeah.

You and me are gonna do a limo joust.

What the hell is that?

All right, you ready?

I don't want to do this.

Go! (tires squealing)

(tires squealing)

Peter: That went exactly as I wanted it to go.

All right here's your Mike and lkes with all the Ikes taken out.

I hope you were careful, 'cause I swear to God, if I find one lke in there, I'm going straight to Babs.

It's fine, I double-checked.

Here's your Mikes. What's next?

Next, I want you to fly to France and tell French people that a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie.

(clearing throat)

(over loudspeakers): People of France, a good-looking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie, and your sirens sound like gay guys having a threesome.

(European-style siren blaring)

All right, you got my catch phrases for me?

I just want you to know this was a huge pain in the ass.

"Peter's New Catch Phrases, by Carter Pewterschmidt."

Title's all business. I like that.

Also, I've been under the weather lately, so it may not be my best work.

"Shape up or show me your balls."

That's good.

Really?

How about this one?

"In your face, Nancy Grace."

Oh, I love it.

Oh, man, there are a lot of good ones here.

"Fire alarm? I am the fire alarm."

"Find your own beach house, Crabby."

"Put that in your office and frame it."

That last one's kind of lame.

Did you get down to the one at the bottom there?

Which one?

"On your mark, get set, terrible."

No, this one here.

"If you've got a problem, take it up with my butt.

He's the only one that gives a crap."

Oh, my God, that's it.

Yeah.

That... That's the one.

I thought you'd like...

You are amaz...

Lois: Peter, dinner.

Take it up with my butt, 'cause he's the only one who gives a crap.

Lois: Wow, what a great sentence.

You know, Lois, I've noticed Peter and Carter spending a lot of time together lately.

It's nice to see them finally getting on.

I know. Who would have thought, huh?

Peter: Boy, I can't wait to get this home.

You know, I keep not laughing at The Big Bang Theory, and I figure it's got to be the television, you know?

TV this size... Forget it, it'll have me laughing till I got snots falling out of my nose.

Carter, where are you taking our television?

I'm giving it to Peter.

What?! Why?

Yeah, why, Carter? (sighs)

(mechanically): Because Peter is the best and he is awesome and he makes better laser sounds than I do.

(makes laser sounds)

Damn right. You hear that, Lois?

And he's not just saying that 'cause I covered for him about his affair.

What?

Carter, is this true?

Yes, it's true.

Oh... Oh, dear! (cup breaking)

(sobbing)

Well, on your mark, get set, terrible.

(laughing)

No, no, but I... I understand that this is bad.

You stupid fat bastard!

How could you tell her I had an affair?!

We had a deal!

Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter.

She's divorcing me!

Well, I don't blame her.

Daddy, how could you do this to Mom?

You two were perfect together.

It was such a close marriage.

You know, maybe the two of you splitting up is a blessing in disguise.

I mean, there are obviously some problems in your relationship.

Who knows, maybe some time apart could be just what you need.

Yeah, plus think of all the fun stuff you can do as a single guy.

Like... Like going to loud, awful bars and not being able to heart the mediocre-looking chick next to you say something stupid.

It's going to be awesome.

I don't know how to do anything like that.

It's easy.

I'll help you meet some women, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Come on, it's been fifty years since I've been on a date.

Well, how'd you get that chick on the boat, then?

You know how in that movie Liam Neeson gets his daughter back?

Yeah.

Well, that was one of the girls their dad didn't get back.

What kind of joint is this?

Where's the cigarette girl?

Yeah, they don't have those anymore.

Peter, I don't know about this.

I have no idea what women are like nowadays.

Last time I was on the dating scene, Joe McCarthy was on a rampage looking for anything red.

Oh, back then I called my penis Joe McCarthy.

Look, relax, will ya?

Here, I got these off a web site that tells you good things to say when hot women walk by.

Ooh, here comes a hot one.

Say the first thing on the list.

Um, I... I love getting trendy cupcakes in the middle of the day for no reason.

No way. So do I.

Hi. I'm Paula.

Carter. How do you do?

Hey, why don't you and your friend come join us over at our table?

Peter Griffin. How do you do?

(sputtering laugh)

We would... We would love to.

Hey, girls, these are my two new friends.

Hello, ladies. My name is Carter, and I require a tremendous amount of calcium.

Carter, come here.

Sit next to me.

Oh, this is... This is fun.

We're having fun.

Hey, what do you say we get some drinks?

Hey, boy, boy, fetch me a John Barrymore and soda and three Myrna Loys for the women.

(women gasp)

Excuse me?

What the hell is your problem, you jerk?

What? Does he belong to somebody else?

Come on, girls, let's ditch this r*cist d*ck.

What happened? Did we get laid?

You jackass. Those women were coming on to you and you blew it.

Now we got to go to another club and start all over again.

Peter, I don't want to go to another club.

I don't want women like that.

I... I want Babs.

Babs?

You got a room full of chicks like that and you're thinking about Babs?

She looks like someone farted in a shoe.

I had a moment of weakness, but I... I know now that I was wrong.

I need her, Peter.

I love her.

You... You got to help me get her back.

Well, it's probably the right move anyway.

Those girls seemed kind of annoying.

Look at them over there taking a group picture together.

I love you!

I love you!

We're all such good friends!

You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together.

And that's where fat girls come from.

All right, if I've learned anything from romantic comedies it's that the ex-wife always falls in love with her husband again after he befriends a little kid.

Okay.

And the kid needs to be really cute.

So I ordered Jonathan Lipnicki. (doorbell ringing)

Ah, there's the cute little guy now.

Hang on.

(door opening)

Peter: Oh, my God! What happened to you!

Oh! Oh! We... We got to get you to the hospital!

Aah! Aah! You're hideous!

Who did this to you?!

Oh, oh, where are my keys?

Where's my keys?! Where are my keys?!

Peter, what about Babs?

Forget about yourself for a second, Carter.

Look what has happened to Jonathan Lipnicki.

Oh, yeah.

No, you're... You're... You're right.

You should probably take care of that.

I'll... I'll... I'll be... I'll be here.

All right, look, Carter, I think this will definitely work.

Now as soon as she sees you, you've got to do exactly what I...

Hey, whose Duesenberg is that parked in the driveway?

There's only one man I know who drives a Duesenberg.

♪ And I will buy you laudanum and rhubarb cakes ♪
♪ to balance out your fragile body's humors. ♪

Oh, Babs, I don't wish to overwhelm you with my passions, but I must say this.

I'm ever so content.

Oh, I am too, Rodginald.

Do you think perhaps one day, if we should marry, that I could sit beside you?

Yes, I think that would be fine.

Get away from my wife, you rascal!

Oh, such language in the presence of a lady.

If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt!

Hang... Hang on, Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down.

Penis.

(gasps)

Carter, get out of here this instant!

I don't ever want to see you again.

Pussycup, please.

Mrs. Pewterschmidt, Carter has something important to say to you.

I'll set the mood.

(singing romantically): ♪ B-B-Bird, bird, bird ♪
♪ B-Bird's the word. ♪
♪ B-B-Bird, bird, bird, ♪
♪ B-Bird's the word. ♪
♪ Well, uh, don't you know about the bird? ♪
♪ Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word. ♪

Uh, Peter, I kind of want to do this on my own.

Babs, I need you.

Cheating on you was the worst mistake of my life.

I kneel before you a frightened soul and a broken man.

A man who has nothing without you.

Give me one more chance, and I pledge to place above you nothing... Not even myself...

For all my time here, and for time forever.

Please, I beg you.

Carter, what you did was unforgivable.

And as beautiful as your words are, I... I just don't know that they can fix what's done.

I know I can't do it overnight, but we can still have a lot of years together.

Please, just let me try.

Carter, you had sex with that woman.

So, no, I can't trust you.

But at my age, I'm certainly not going to remarry either.

So, if you'd like to move back in and take things slowly, one step at a time, I suppose I can give you the chance to earn my trust again.

That sounds like a lot of work. Go to hell!

Carter, what... What... What... What are we here for?

What are we here for?

All right... All right, fine.

I'm... I'm... I'm gonna try.

Come here, you.

Hey look, I found a genie's lamp.

Peter: Oh, no?

Okay, maybe next week.