16x20 - Are You There God? It's Me, Peter

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on T.V. ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

- Peter, you're not even dressed.
- For what?

Chris's class is performing a rock and roll choir.

They've been practicing for months.

"For months," or "four months"?

For months. Three months.

Not long enough. Pass.

I just wish we were doing songs that weren't so hard to sing as a group.

♪ Six o'clock, TV hours, don't get caught in foreign tower ♪

♪ Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn ♪

♪ Lock him in uniform and book burning, bloodletting ♪

♪ Leonard Bernstein ♪

♪ Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom... ♪

- How was it?
- Terrible.

TV NARRATOR: We now return to a s movieyou remember fondly,but now feels excruciatingly slow.

All right, Stripes.

Ah, this was hilarious.

All right, Bill Murray's driving a cab.

- Still driving a cab.
- (CAR HORN HONKS ON TV)

sh*t of the town.

Going over a bridge.

Traffic's neither heavy nor light.

Get in the Army!

I hope you don't plan on just lying on the couch and watching TV all weekend.

That's exactly what I plan to do.

It's a free premium channel preview weekend.

Even Cinemax.

One of the shows is actually two boobs fighting.

Sadly, there's still no penetration.

Well, just expect me to do a lot of sour-faced, arms-folded head shaking.

(GRUNTS)

Well, in return, you'll get a lot of beaten-down husband eye-rolls.

(SIGHS)

- (GRUNTS)
- (SIGHS)

- (LOIS GRUNTS)
- (SIGHS)

- (GRUNTS)
- (SIGHS)

- (GRUNTS)
- (TAPPING ON WINDOW)

One of the neighbors called about a passive-aggressive domestic dispute.

Ooh, is that Stripes?

Eh, he's not in the Army yet.

Peter, this is ridiculous.

You've been lying here all weekend.

I'm not bringing you any more food.

I don't need you to.
I got a thousand dollar credit from Uber Eats 'cause that driver pinched my bottom.

Okay, well if you don't get up, I won't have sex with you.

And that will be different how...?

And I'm still married to you because...?

(TAPPING ON WINDOW)

Guys, second time this week.

Peter, you got to come outside.

We found a used condom on the sidewalk.

That's a bigger deal than regular garbage.

Ribbed. A woman was pleased with it.

You got to see this, Peter.

A used condom.

Just right out here.

And there's panties nearby.

Joe, you're a cop.

What do you think happened here?

I'll tell you what happened.

Somebody did it.

Yeah!

Peter, come out here and high five us over the sex someone else had.

Someone had sex?

I got to touch another guy's hand to celebrate.

(GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

(MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING)

PETER: Oh, now he gets to the Army.

Hmm. I've seen this before.

It's from Ethan Allen, if I'm not mistaken.

- Am I gonna be okay?
- You'll be fine.

Here's a video to help you understand.

Hi, I'm Oliver Platt, and I'm currently fused to this chair.

But how does it happen?

When a fat guy's sweaty skin

presses against couch fabricfor an extended period of time,

the fabric fibers fuse together with the skin.

The longer you stay sedentary, the stronger the bond.

My advice: relax.

It's not the end of the world.

Being fused to furniture hasn't stopped me

from being an adult with a child's name.

And having thicker hair than a werewolf.

The procedure is called "Rip You Off Real Fast."

Very painful. Ready?

Actually, I've decided to keep the couch on me.

Really? Are you sure?

Oh, yeah. This is nothing.

I've been in uncomfortable situations before.

Like, whenever I meet famous people.

Hey, what's up? I'm Snoop Dogg, know what I'm saying?

I do.

PETER: But you don't, Peter, you don't.

How is it? Is-a good?

Eh, it's a little tight.

A little tight in-a the couch?

Yeah, it's a little tight in the couch.

Hey, what's it like going through life holding needles in your lips?

Is-a not easy.

Some-a time-a the needle, they poke-a my lip, and I say-a, "Mamma mia!"

Well, you still got James Brolin coming in here, autographing your photos.

That's kind of cool.

You want to know something, a-Peter?

He no come in here.

I take-a the photo from the dry cleaner's.

Mamma mia, what a day.

And now to say good night to all-a my celebrity pictures on-a the wall.

Buona notte, Christopher Plummer.

Sleep-a with the angels, Sherman-a Hemsley.

See you when-a the sun shine, Ken Ober.

And now, to say good night to my favorite-a celebrity, James-a Brol... mamma mia!

Who steal-a my James Brolin?

I take-a that photo from the bakery.

Pasta fazool, what a good day in-a the bakery.

You take-a good care of the place while I'm-a gone, William-a Katt.

That goes a-double for you, James-a Brol... mamma mia!

Uh, hey, Mom?

Was I always able to see the living room from the kitchen?

(SIGHS) I've had enough of this.

That stupid couch is messing up our house.

If Peter won't let Dr. Hartman remove it, we're doing it ourselves.

I put an Ambien in his beer, so he's out cold.

I saw you put Ambien in your beer, too.

Every adult has to take Ambien every night to even have a prayer at sleep.

(SNORING)

(DOOR CREAKS)

All right, kids, we're gonna use these scissors to separate your father from the couch.

I can't tell skin from couch.

Well, err on the skin side.

I love this couch.

It's from Ethan Allen, you know.

(SCISSORS SNIPPING)

Wha...?

W-What-what's going on?

Peter, enough is enough, that couch is coming off.

We're sick of your shenanigans.

(GRUNTS) How dare you?

I work my ass off to bring home the bacon for this family, and all you can say is, "We don't want bacon, we want actual money!"

Well, I don't have money, I spent it all on bacon!

Peter, put yourself in our shoes.

I can't. My feet swelled up too much from all the bacon.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep on the couch on the couch.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

Chris, give me a hand with this.

All right, you ready?

All right, one, two, three.

- Okay, uh, easy, easy, easy...
- Uh... uh...

- Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy.
- Okay, all right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

- Stop, stop.
- What? What?

- No, no, no, no, no. Twist it.
- What? I am.

Just look down, all right?
Just-just look at me, look what I'm doing. All right, see the way I'm twisting it?

- Okay, ju... No, no, no, no, no.
- Okay. Wait... what?

You know what? All right, just... Hang... just put-put it down.

- Put it down. Just drop it, drop it.
- All right. All right.

All right, let's... Let's just hang on and figure this out.

All-all right, okay.

All right. Okay. I-I got it. I know what we're gonna...

Okay, okay. All right, y-you...
We... here's what we're gonna do, We're gonna take the cushions off, unscrew the legs, take the mattress out, and this whole thing's gonna be a lot simpler.

It's easier than we're making it.

- (GRUNTING)
- This isn't working.

You know what? Just give me a push.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

(CRASHES)

I have some bad news.

Ethan survived, but Allen didn't make it.

- What about Peter?
- Oh, him.

He's in what we call a comma.

Now, where's his chart?

Ah, here it is. "Griffin coma Peter."

Will he ever recover?

How long is he gonna be like this?

(ECHOING): Please tell me he's gonna be okay...

(WIND GUSTING)

Oh, God.

(MALE CLEARS THROAT)

God?

Yes.

And no Tr*mp questions.

Okay.

I have nothing else to ask you.

I can't believe I'm stuck in an elevator with God.

Although, I guess you are everywhere, and in all places.

No, you're thinking of Kevin Hart.

Ha! I know, right?

(LAUGHING): I-In every movie.

Him and The Rock.

Oh, I love The Rock.

No, no, no, I love The Rock, too.

He's just-he's just in a lot of stuff.

You know, his real name is Dwayne Johnson.

Yeah, I know.

We have Us Weekly on Earth, too.

Wait, why are you here?

Shouldn't you be up in heaven?

There was an issue.

Uh, a-a few angels came forward.

I don't remember things exactly as they do, but I respect their experience.

How did I get here?

Well, you had a couch attached to your back, and you fell down the stairs and hit your head pretty hard.

Am I in a Leftovers?

Is this a Leftovers?

I don't know what that is.

It was an HBO show starring a bottle of hair dye.

Man, this thing is really stuck.

Hey, can you use your God powers to get us out?

No, they don't really work in elevators.

Kind of like a cell phone.

I don't have a signal.

I have a cell phone.

It's silver.

That's rad, Peter.

I always dreamed of being stuck in an elevator with Tom Brady.

That makes two of us.

Can I ask you my Tom Brady questions?

I wouldn't deign to speak for Tom Brady.

Understood, understood.

- Hey, do atheists go to hell?
- No.

How about people who say they are not religious, but they are spiritual?

Straight to hell, to the boiler room of hell.

All the way down.

Sometimes, I pull them out just so they think everything is gonna be okay, but then, I put them right back in.

Good, good.

That makes me happy.

Um, God, here's something you might be able to tell me.

Will Taylor Swift and Katy Perry ever reconcile their differences?

What are you looking for?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm looking for the gay guy who can answer that one.

Some people say we're just a computer simulation run by a higher species.

- Is that true?
- It is.

(COMPUTER TONES PLAY)

My guy sucks.

Want to trade guys for a little while?

Oh, never mind.

I'll stick with this pile of crap I already have.

All right, can you name every SNL actor alphabetically?

- Alphabetically by last name?
- Yes.

- And no featured players?
- Yeah, okay.

Fred Armisen, Dan Aykroyd, Morwenna Banks, Vanessa Bayer...

Jon Lovitz, Norm Macdonald, Gail Matthius...

Gail Matthius, good pull.

Michael McKean, Mark McKinney...

Nancy Walls, Kristen Wiig, and Sasheer Zamata.

Wow. Now do Kids in the Hall.

That was five guys, Peter.

- Name 'em.
- I can't.

Does reincarnation exist?

It does.

As past human lives or as animals?

- Both.
- Who have I been?

- You were Henry the Eighth.
- Wow!

Let me finish. You were Henry, the eighth guy to have sex with Rock Hudson at one of his pool parties.

Aww.

How many more shows is John Stamos gonna get?

- Zero.
- Good. That's... That's good.

Are you real?

Do you think I'm real, Peter?

I like to believe there's something bigger than me out there keeping a watch out.

Different people think different things.

I'm kind of like a nanny cam.

The idea that I may exist is enough for some people to behave better.

When I used to ask my mom what God was, she would say,

"God is love." I always liked that.

That's nice, Peter.

God and love are very similar concepts.

- They come from the same place.
- Tatooine?

Ha! I always forget you're such a Star Wars guy.

Man, when are they gonna fix this elevator?

It's not broken. I just haven't decided where it's going yet.

(GASPS) What's a "mezzanine"?

- It's like a loge.
- What's a "loge"?

Oh, hey, what's with all the questions?

Yeah, you don't know either.

W-Wait, hold on.

- Am I... Am I dead?
- Yes.

Oh, my God!

Since you're now a ghost, would you like to do pottery while straddling present-day Demi Moore?

- Pass.
- Yeah.

Not getting a lot of takers for that one.

I feel like the bones in her back

would hurt my tummy.

Am I... Am I really dead?

Well, if you weren't dead, would you feel nothing when I do this?

Ah! Son of a bitch!

Oh, you know what? That's right, it takes a day.

M-My bad. Sorry.

Tomorrow I do that, you feel nothing.

But trust me, you're dead.

But I can't be. Hold on, give me a sec.

(PANTING)

I can't be dead. I have a family who needs me.

Actually, Peter, from what I've seen,

I think your family would be better off without you.

What? What do you mean?

Well, you're an inattentive husband and a terrible parent.

Oh, says Father of the Year.

Oh, please. He played that for all it was worth.

"Why has thou forsaken me?"

You know what? I did him a favor.

Okay, well, th-there's a lot to unpack there.

But come on, God, you gotta give me another chance.

I'll show you how good a husband and father I can be.

Are you asking for a second chance?

I-I guess so.

Huh. No one's ever done that.

You know what? You're on.

I'll give you one day to prove to me that your family is better off with you alive.

I'll return you to your life before you were in a coma.

Thanks, God! I know I can do it.

I've faced bigger challenges.

Like when I recorded that Russian language album.

("TEQUILA SONG" BY THE CHAMPS PLAYING)

♪

♪ Vodka! ♪

Okay, kids. I know how you always wanted kittens, so guess what I brought home?

This very pregnant, about-to-burst, distended-nipples street cat.

(LABORED MEOW)

Peter, you can't bring home a feral cat.

She doesn't want to be around people right now.

She needs a quiet space to have her kittens.

Yeah, so everyone gather 'round close.

Her name is Sophie, and she's fully dilated.

- (YOWLING)
- Chris!

She doesn't like that, but I understand the instinct.

Now, we all need to do our part to help with the birth.

- Meg, boil some water.
- (CAT SCREECHING)

Brian, get some clean rags.

Chris, blankets.

- Stewie, Band-Aids for me.
- (CAT GROWLING)

Isn't it nice that we're spending this time together as a family?

Let's go spend it in the ER.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Well, look at us. Out for a fun family dinner.

If anyone's watching, they'd say, "Look at that family."

Look how happy they are."

Well, the kids do love Fuddruckers.

Yeah, getting to design any burger you want?

Your only limit is your imagination.

What kind you make there for yourself, Chris?

- Plain.
- Plain?

What do you mean "plain"?

It's a plain burger.
That's how I like them.

That's not a burger, that's just a meat sandwich.

At least Meg went wild and got a beige burger.

No, I got chicken.

What? Here? This is Fuddruckers.

What... what part of Fuddruckers don't you understand?

All of it.

All right, let's start this again.

You're all gonna get up, go back up to that toppings bar, and go nuts.

But it tastes good like this.

It's not supposed to taste good.
It's supposed to look crazy.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm cutting it. It's easier to eat.

It's not supposed to be easy to eat.

Half of it is supposed to fall onto your plate when you squeeze it, and the rest goes onto your shirt.

How's everything going over here?

Terrible! Go away!

See, look, now I have to be even more ridiculous to make up for what you guys aren't doing.

Silverware? Put them on.
Salt shaker? Whatever.

Ice from soda, get on that burger.

Peter, people are staring.

Yeah, they're saying, "Look at the creative guy.

"Look at King Fuddrucker over there.

"Usually you put a burger on a tray.

This guy's putting a tray on a (BLEEP) burger!"

Are you through, Peter?

Not yet, I'm not. Give me the car keys.

- Peter...
- Give me... the car keys.

That's Fuddruckers.

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

Peter, you've opened the trunk.

People are pulling things out of our car.

Good. That's also Fuddruckers...
Get used to it.

And prepare to fish my teeth out of my stool.

- Peter, enough.
- You guys clearly don't get it.

I'm sure when you explain what we're supposed to get, we'll get it.

(BOTH SIGH)

Those poor kids. Those poor babies.

Hey, Chris, what do you got there?

A plain burger.

Looks good.

PETER: You can do this, Peter.

You love your family.

You can do this, Peter, you love your family.

You can do this, Peter. You love your family.

Dad, can you cr*ck your window a little bit?

I hate you all so much!

- (THUNDER RUMBLES)
- Uh-oh.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

♪

(BRAKES SQUEAK)

Ah!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(THUNDER CRASHES)

(SCREAMS)

Did you guys see that?

The bunny rabbit family you just ran over?

Yeah. We all saw that, Peter.

Come on, kids. Let's go inside.

Before you go, there's something I want to say.

If anything were to happen to me, Lois,

I'll miss you more than life... the cereal, but not the board game, which I quite enjoy.

- Okay.
- And Meg,

I'm sorry I'll never get a chance to walk you down the aisle... at Costco, to furnish your sad, single-lady apartment.

- Thanks, Dad.
- And Stewie, it kills me that I'll never see you become a man... loving twink.

Is anyone gonna stop him?

And, Chris, whenever you're feeling defeated,

I want you to remember to always reach for the Stars...

Sky and Hutch DVD that fell behind the entertainment center.

Sorry, you were the last one.

- What about me?
- You're a dog.

Peter, what's going on?
Why are you saying these things?

Sorry. W-Why don't you guys go inside?

I'm gonna stay out here and listen to Nina Blackwood slowly die of throat cancer on the radio.

WOMAN (SCRATCHY VOICE): Our next artist first climbed the charts

with "Dancing With Myself."

(WHEEZES) Of course,
that artist is Billy Idol.

-(RADIO SWITCHES OFF)
- I'm supposed to get her a week from Thursday, but I may be moving that up.

I suppose you know why I'm here.

Yeah. I guess so.

It's weird. For the first seven days, all I did was create things, but since then, it's just k*lling, k*lling, k*lling.

Well, go ahead and do it.

My family would be better off without me.

I'm a terrible husband and a terrible father.

I should never have questioned you.

You were right about everything.

Say that again.

You were right about everything.

That's all I needed to hear.

That's what religion is.

It's not about being good or bad.

It's just blind subservience to an imaginary being.

So, I'm not gonna die?

Nope, not for another four years.

Thank you, God!

Bless you, my child... p*rn fan.

(LAUGHS) You did it to me.

- Can I use that one on my son?
- Sure.

PETER: Hey, Chris, you like pictures of naked children because you're gross and weird.

Ah, he screwed it up.

And I'm sorry about Fuddruckers.

It won't happen again.

Because nothing means more to me than my family.

Oh, Peter. That's wonderful.
What helped you come around?

Well, Lois, let's just say the big man upstairs put in a hard day's work today.

Well, looks like quitting time.

Good night, Kirk Cameron.

See you tomorrow, Gene Rayburn.

See you when the sun rises, James Bro... Mamma mia!