01x06 - Moaning Lisa

[bunniefuu]

FADE IN:

We open on a sad sh*t of LISA's face. She is standing on a stool staring into the mirror in her bathroom as a faucet drips nearby. The door is banged on several times. Lisa sighs.

OUTSIDE, HOMER bangs angrily on the door.

HOMER: Lisa! Lisa, are you still in there? What's the problem? Did you fall in? (chuckles) (angrily) Lisa!

Lisa finally opens the door and steps out but before Homer can enter, BART runs past him.

BART: Sorry, Dad. Women and children first.

HOMER: What the---!?

Bart locks the door on him and Homer continues banging. Lisa stares at the scene.

FADE TO BLACK

QUICK FADE IN

The kitchen, a bit later. Bart eats cereal while Marge washes dishes. Homer suddenly runs in.

HOMER: Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work!

MARGE: Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.

BART: Did you check the den?

HOMER: The den! Great idea.

Bart follows Homer as he searches inside a couch. Various objects like eaten apple cores and pencils fall out.

BART: Warm. No, cold. Colder, ice cold.

HOMER: Do you know where my keys are?

BART: No, I'm talking about your breakfast.

Bart laughs as Homer growls and raises his hands to strike.

BART: Did you try the rumpus room?

HOMER: Rumpus room? Great idea.

As he runs past the front door, he spots Lisa.

LISA: Oh, Dad.

HOMER: Huh?

She points. The keys are still in the door lock.

HOMER: D-oh!

BART: Oh, Homer!

LISA: Here.

Marge suddenly runs in.

MARGE: I'm sorry, everybody but I've only got two cupcakes for the three of you.

BART: Well, Mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes over the past three decades to keep a ---

HOMER: Bart!

LISA: Just take mine. A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure.

She walks out of the room. Homer and Bart are confused for a second, then--

BART: Ho ho, yeah!

HOMER: All right.

They high five each other.

FADE TO BLACK

QUICK FADE IN:

The music class inside school. MR. LARGO, the teacher, conducts the class.

MR. LARGO: All right, class. From the top. One, and two, and three, and--

The class plays a tune.

MR. LARGO: My country, 'tis of thee la da da da da dee...

Everybody finishes playing but Lisa continues a different tune on her saxophone. Mr. Largo taps his stand several times with a stick.

MR. LARGO: Lisa! Lisa Simpson!

She finally stops.

MR. LARGO: Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country 'Tis of Thee."

LISA: But Mr. Largo, that's what my country's all about.

MR. LARGO: What?

LISA: I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The Iowa farmer whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal miner, coughing up---

MR. LARGO: Well, that's all fine and good but, Lisa, none of those unpleasant people are going to be at the recital next week. Now, class. From the top. Five, six, seven...

The entire class plays again, including Lisa. It is obvious, however, that she is not enthusiastic about it.

DISSOLVE TO:

The lunchroom. A plate of food sits in front of Lisa but she doesn't eat it. Her friend sits nearby.

LISA: Every day at noon a bell rings, and they herd us in here for feeding time. And we sit around like cattle, chewing our cuds, dreading the inevitable...

BART: Ha ha! Food fight!

Food starts flying in all directions.

LISA'S FRIEND: Come on, Lis! What are you waiting for? Chuck that spaghetti.

LISA: I choose not to participate.

Everybody is running crazily around the lunch room now, throwing food. A glop of something hits Lisa and she grunts.

DISSOLVE TO:

In gym class, where LIsa stands in the middle of the court. A bunch of red dodgeballs hit her in the face. The GYM TEACHER looks angrily at her.

GYM TEACHER: Lisa, we are playing dodge ball here. The object of the game is to avoid the ball by weaving or ducking out of its path.

LISA: In other words, to dodge the ball.

GYM TEACHER: Listen, missy, just tell me why you weren't getting out of the way of those balls.

Lisa looks up into the teacher's eyes.

LISA: I'm too sad.

GYM TEACHER: Too sad to play dodgeball? That's ridiculous. Now, let's seem some enthusiasm. Play ball!

The game starts up and the same pattern continues; about a dozen balls just hit Lisa and she remains motionless.

FADE TO BLACK

QUICK FADE IN

The Simpsons living room. Homer and Bart play a video game.

HOMER: Come on, come on, let's go.

A title comes onto the TV: Super Slugfest. The video game shows two boxers and a ring announcer. Bart narrates the scene.

BART: In the red trunks, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this house, Battling Bart Simpson! Whoopee, whoo! And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats--- oh, correction, humiliating defeats --- all of them by knockout...!

HOMER: Must you do this every time?

BART: Homer "The Human Punching Bag" Simpson!

The match begins and Bart's character quickly topples Homer's boxer.

HOMER: Doh! Stupid joystick!

BART: Ho ho. Three seconds folks, a new record!

HOMER: Hey, no. I'm not down. I'm --- get up, you! Get off the mat.

Homer's character finally stands up.

HOMER: Okay, here we go.

BART: Yo, chump, you back again?

HOMER: Get outta the way! How come he's not ducking?

Bart's boxer begins brutally smashing Homer's boxer.

HOMER: Wait a minute. I can't get my --- Get out of the way, stupid!

MARGE: Homer?

HOMER: Not now, Marge! Get out of the corner!

MARGE: But they sent a note from school.

HOMER (to Bart): What did you do this time, you little hoodlum? Oops, get outta the way!

BART: I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything.

MARGE: No, Bart, this note isn't about you.

BART: It isn't? There must be some mistake.

Marge hands a sheet to Homer.

BART: Hey, you're right. This note's about Lisa.

HOMER: Lisa?

At this time, Bart's character finally wins the match. Lisa sighs.

FADE TO BLACK (COMMERCIAL BREAK):

FADE IN:

Homer reads the note.

HOMER: Lisa refuses to play dodgeball because she is sad.

He looks at Lisa.

HOMER: Well, she doesn't look sad. I don't see any tears in her eyes.

LISA: It's not that kind of sad. I'm sorry, Dad, but you wouldn't understand.

HOMER: Oh, sure I would, princess. I have feelings too. You know, like "My stomach hurts!" or "I'm going crazy!" Why don't you climb up on Daddy's knee and tell him about it?

Lisa sits on Homer's lap.

LISA: I'm just wondering what's the point? Would if make any difference at all if I never existed? How can we sleep at night when there's so much suffering in the world?

HOMER: Well --- I --- uh --- Come on, Lisa. Ride the Homer horsey!

He tosses it her up and down.

HOMER: Giddyup! Whee!

MARGE: Oh, Lisa, honey, why don't we go upstairs and I'll draw you a nice hot bath. That helps me when I feel sad.

LISA: Sorry, Dad. I know you mean well.

HOMER: Thanks for knowing I mean well.

BART: Gee, Homer, looks like you got yourself a real problem on your hands.

HOMER: Yeah, right. Uh, Bart, vacuum this floor.

BART: Hey, man, I didn't do anything wrong!

HOMER: In times of trouble, you've got to go with what you know. Now, hop to it, boy!

Bart begins vacuuming and mutters under her breath.

BART: Thinks he some big stupid Homer. Oh, man. Oh, man. I'll show him. He thinks he's so big.

He sucks up a whole deck of cards and then walks to Lisa, who has arrived back into the room.

BART: Enjoy your bath?

LISA: No, not really.

BART: Oh, too bad. Well, I certainly had fun vacuuming. Maybe now I'll get the pleasure of scrubbing your tub.

LISA: So typical of Bart. All he thinks about is himself.

BART: Hey, don't say stuff like that about me to Maggie. She's on my side, anyway.

LISA: Is not.

BART: Is too.

LISA: Is not.

BART: Is too.

LISA: Is not.

BART: Is too! Watch, I'll prove it. Maggie, come to the one you love best.

Maggie hops off the couch.

LISA: No, Maggie. Come here, girl. Come to me.

Bart holds out a rattle toy.

BART: Come on, Maggie! The choice is obvious.

LISA: No, Maggie. Don't go for the glitter. Look for substance.

Maggie looks from side to side.

LISA: All right, Maggie, just go to Bart.

BART: Exactly, come to the one you love best.

Maggie crawls forward and hugs the TV.

FADE TO BLACK

QUICK FADE IN:

Bart and Homer play the game again. on the screen, the same two fighters duke it out.

HOMER: Oh, no! Come on! Don't let the --- Ahh, oh no! Not again! Get over to the righ---ahh!

Bart wins once again.

BART: Gee, Dad, you're really bad at this.

HOMER: I am not. It's just that I --- (saxophone plays in background) --- couldn't concentrate with that infernal racket. Lisa! Lisa!

CUT TO:

Homer barges into Lisa's room. She continues playing.

HOMER: Lisa, what did I tell you about playing that sax-a-ma-thing in the house?

LISA: I was just playing the blues, Dad.

Her eyes well up with tears and she begins crying.

HOMER: Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead. Play your blues if it'll make you happy.

LISA: No, that's okay, Dad. I'll just work on my fingering. Unless my fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.

HOMER: Let's hear it.

Lisa quickly presses down keys and clacks.

HOMER: You just clack as loud as you want, Lis.

He walks out and closes the door.

Lisa clacks for several seconds before she hears a sudden saxophone outside.

LISA: I've gotta find that sound.

CUT TO:

The backyard, where Lisa stealthily carries her saxophone from her window to the treehouse and then down the ladder into the backyard.

DISSOLVE TO:

Lisa walks across a street. A full moon fills up the background. The saxophone continues playing.

DISSOLVE TO:

Lisa walks past an alleyway.

DISSOLVE TO:

Lisa is in some alleyway. There are trash cans and dumpsters around her. Very dark. Not exactly the safest area in the world.

CUT TO:

Lisa arrives at her destination. Looking up, she sees an old man sitting on a bridge playing the sax. The full moon shines above him.

LISA: That was beautiful. What's it called?

OLD MAN: Oh, it's a little tune that I call the "I Never Had an Italian Suit Blues."

FADE TO BLACK

QUICK FADE IN:

Marge and Homer lie in their bed, sleeping. Marge suddenly moans.

We go INSIDE HER DREAM...

DISSOLVE TO:

A kitchen. Marge's Mom has her hands on young Marge's shoulders. Marge is dressed similarly to Lisa, except the blue hair.

MARGE'S MOM: Well, Margie. Before you go out that door, let's out our happy face on...because people know how good a mommy you have by the size of your smile.

Young Marge offers a wide smile. She steps out and walks away as we---

DISSOLVE TO:

Back in the bedroom. Homer mutters. We go INSIDE HIS DREAM---

DISSOLVE TO:

It is a boxing ring.

HOMER: What the---?

He is trapped in the videogame. The other character has Bart's face.

BART: Put up your dukes, Homer.

Homer dodges a punch and screams.

HOMER: Bart, go easy on me. I'm your dad.

BART: I am going easy on you, but you're just so old and slow...

Bart begins punching Homer's face.

BART: ...and weak and pathetic.

HOMER: No, Bart, no!

Bart winds up a punch. He sends it flying as we---

CUT TO:

The bedroom. Homer wakes up and lets loose a bloodcurdling scream. Then, he calms down and goes back to sleep.

MARGE: Homer, wake up, wake up.

HOMER: Huh? Oh, man.

MARGE: Oh, my. Here, let me wipe off the drool.

HOMER: You know, Marge, getting old is a terrible thing. I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could b*at my dad at most things. And Bart experienced that at the age of four. So, why are you still awake?

MARGE: I'm still trying to figure out what's bothering Lisa. I don't know. Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention. But all the while, our little Lisa is becoming a young woman.

HOMER: Oh, so that's it. This is some kind of underwear thing.

MARGE: Mmm, good night, Homer.

They start to go back to sleep when Marge suddenly hears the saxophone.

CUT TO:

On the bridge, where Lisa plays with the old man.

OLD MAN: Now, now low b-flat.

Lisa performs a note.

OLD MAN: Okay, Lisa. "Altissimo" register.

Lisa plays several notes.

OLD MAN: Very nice, very nice. I once ruptured myself doin' that.

LISA: Thanks, Mr. Murphy.

OLD MAN: My friends call me "Bleeding Gums".

LISA: Eww, how'd you get a name like that?

"BLEEDING GUMS" MURPHY: Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist?

LISA: Yeah.

"BLEEDING GUMS" MURPHY: Not me. I suppose I should go to one but I got enough pain in my life as it is.

LISA: I have problems too.

"BLEEDING GUMS" MURPHY: Well, I can't help you, kid. I'm just a terrific horn player with tons of soul. But I can jam with you.

LISA: Ok.

They begin playing the blues together.

"BLEEDING GUMS" MURPHY:

Oh, I'm so lonely
Since my baby left me
I got no money
And nothing is free
Oh, I been so lonely
Since the day I was born
All I got is this rusty
This rusty old horn

LISA:

I got a bratty brother
He bugs me everyday
And this morning my own mother
She gave my last cupcake away
My dad acts like he belongs
He belongs in the zoo
I'm the saddest kid
In grade number too

"BLEEDING GUMS" MURPHY: You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.

LISA: Yeah, but I don't feel any better.

"BLEEDING GUMS" MURPHY: The blues isn't about feelin' better. It's about makin' other people feel worse and makin' a few bucks while you're at it. Which reminds me, if you're ever in the neighborhood, I'm playing in a little club called the Jazz Hole.

Marge's car suddenly slides up.

MARGE: Lisa! Get away from that jazzman!

LISA: But, Mom, can't I stay a little longer?

MARGE: Come on! Come on! We were worried about you. (to Murphy). Nothing personal. I just fear the unfamiliar.

Lisa climbs into the car and she waves goodbye as it drives away. Murphy continues to play as the distance between him and the camera grows.

FADE TO BLACK (COMMERCIAL BREAK)

FADE IN:

Homer, in typical fashion, sits on the couch and watches TV while his hand digs through a pack of chips.

TV ANNOUNCER: Today's fire raced through downtown Springfield, gutting Symphony Hall, the Springfield Museum of Natural History, the Springfield Arts Center and Barney's Bowl-a-rama.

HOMER: Ahh!!

He chokes on his potato chips and coughs.

TV ANNOUNCER: Officials said the---

HOMER: Oh, no! Marge!

Homer makes his way into the kitchen.

HOMER: Marge, are you all right?

MARGE: No, I'm very upset.

HOMER: Then you've heard. Oh, God, what are we gonna do? The lanes were kinda warped but, oh, the food.

MARGE: I'm upset about Lisa.

HOMER: Oh, me too.

BART: Me three. What are we talking about?

HOMER: Bart!

MARGE: Do you think you're being nice enough to your sister, Bart?

BART: Oh, yeah, easy.

MARGE: You do love her, don't you?

BART: Oh, Mom...

MARGE: Well, you do. Don't you?

BART: Don't make me say it. I know the answer. You know the answer. He knows the answer. Let's just drop it, okay?

MARGE: Okay, Bart, you don't have to say it but you do have to have a loving attitude. Be nice to your sister.

BART: Okey-dokey.

MARGE: Go on, Bart. No time like the present.

Bart walks out of the kitchen and meets Lisa as she's coming down the stairs. She is carrying her saxophone.

BART: Hi, man.

LISA: I don't want your pity.

BART: Aw, come on, I'll cheer you up.

LISA: How?

CUT TO:

Inside Moe's tavern. The phone rings. MOE SZYSLAK picks it up.

MOE: Yeah. Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.

BART (on phone): Is Jacques there?

MOE: Who?

BART (on phone): Jacques. Last name Strap.

MOE: Uh, hold on. Uh, Jacques Strap. Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a Jacques Strap.

Everybody laughs.

MOE: What? Aw, wait a minute. Jacques Strap? It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt! When I get ahold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.

CUT TO:

Bart falls to the floor laughing. Lisa stands beside him, unamused. There is a dial tone. Bart turns to Lisa.

BART: Where's your sense of humor, man?

Lisa sighs. Marge walks into the room.

MARGE: Lisa, you'll be late for band practice. Let's go.

Bart hangs up the phone.

CUT TO:

Outside Noise Land Video Arcade. Homer walks by, looks around, and enters the doors.

Inside, there is a whole bunch of kids playing various games. Video game noises (zaps, bleeps) fill the room.

Homer walks over to a CASHIER.

HOMER: Uh, give me some quarters. I'm doing my laundry.

He slides over several dollar bills.

CASHIER: Yeah, right.

Dozens of quarters fall out and Homer picks them up.

Homer looks around the room.

HOMER: Where's the video boxing?


CASHIER: It's over there in the corner. If I were you, I really would use those quarters for laundry.

HOMER: Wise guy.

Homer walks over, where a line has formed behind the video boxing machine. A young BOXING CHAMPION sips a milkshake as he beats his opponent with only one hand.

HOMER: Hey, that kid's pretty good.

KID IN LINE: Good? Are you kidding? Over 2,000 fights and he's still on his original quarter.

BOXING CHAMPION: Okay, who's next?

EVERY PERSON IN LINE: Me, me, me, me, me, me!

Homer stands above them.

HOMER: No, me!

Homer walks over to the champion.

HOMER: Listen, can you teach me to fight like you do?

BOXING CHAMPION: I don't think so.

HOMER: Oh, come on.

BOXING CHAMPION: I'll tell you what. I'll do it if you bark like a dog.

HOMER: You little--- (barks).

BOXING CHAMPION (laughing) : You got yourself a deal, Fido.

CUT TO:

Later in the night; everybody has left the arcade. Only Homer and the champion play and Homer is clearly very tired.

BOXING CHAMPION: Well, looks like you're all out of quarters, old man.

HOMER: That's okay. With the tips you've given me, I'm gonna pound the tar out of...a certain little smarty-pants tonight.

Footsteps are suddenly heard and the champion's mom arrives.

MOM: Howie! I thought I told you to stop wasting your money in this stupid place!

BOXING CHAMPION: Sorry, Mom.

MOM (to Homer): And you! A man of your age, you should be ashamed of yourself.

HOMER: Ehh...excuse me, i think I hear my wife calling.

CUT TO:

Marge and Lisa drive in their station wagon. Marge looks over sadly at Lisa.

MARGE: Now, Lisa, listen to me. This is important. I want you to smile today.

LISA: But I don't feel like smiling.

MARGE: Well, it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know. It's what shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down. All the way down, past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties and boys will like you, and happiness will follow.

Lisa smiles.

MARGE: Oh, come on, you can do better than that.

Lisa reveals a larger smile.

MARGE: Oh, that's my girl.

LISA: I feel more popular already.

She makes her way out of the car and to the front entrance of the school, where two BOYS spot her.

BOY 1: Hey, nice smile.

LISA: Thanks.

BOY 2: Hey, what are you talkin' to her for? She's just gonna say somethin' weird.

LISA: Not me.

BOY 1: You know, I used to think you were some sort of brainiac but I guess you're okay.

LISA: Uh-huh.

BOY 2: Hey, why don't you come over to my house after practice? You could do my homework.

LISA: Ok.

MARGE: Hmm!

MR. LARGO: Five minutes, people, five minutes. Now, Miss Simpson, I hope we won't have a repeat of yesterday's outburst of unbridled creativity.

LISA: No, sir.

Marge grunts. She smashes the pedal, does a U-turn, and snatches Lisa back into the car.

LISA: Wow, mom!

MR. LARGO: Hmm, so that's where she gets it.

Marge stops the car when they are further away from the school.

MARGE: Lisa, I apologize to you. I was wrong. I take it all back. Always be yourself. You wanna be sad, honey, be sad. We'll ride it out with you. And when you get finished feeling sad, we'll still be there.

Lisa inches over to hug Marge.

MARGE: From now on, let me do the smiling for both of us.

LISA: Ok, Mom.

MARGE: I said you could stop smiling, Lisa.

A big grin is on Lisa's face.

LISA: I feel like smiling.

They smile at each other.

CUT TO:

The living room, where Bart and Homer each have a controller in their hands. Homer has a wicked look on his face.

BART: I'm gonna knock you out one more time, and that's it. This is getting boring, man.

HOMER: Just try not to k*ll me too hard, son. (chuckles).

The two fighters smash at each other.

BART: Whoa!

HOMER: Kid, tonight's not your night.

BART: All right, man, you asked for it. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

HOMER: Aha! Blocked it. Haha! You missed me.

They both grunt.

BART: Oh!

HOMER: Heh heh heh. I got you. Ooh. Don't try that, I got you blocked.

Homer's character punches Bart's character around the entire ring.

HOMER: And the crowd is on its feet as Hurricane Homer moves in for the k*ll!

MARGE: Boys, I'd like your attention, please.

HOMER: Quiet, Marge! This is my moment. Bart "The Bloody Pulp" Simpson is on the ropes. He is hoping I'll put him out of his misery. Well, you're in luck, Bart. Here comes my right!

Homer is about to b*at Bart when---

The TV shuts off. Marge shows the plug to Homer.

HOMER: My game, my game! I could have b*at the boy! Marge, how could you? I was so close.


MARGE: I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly, loud game.


BART: You're right, Mom. I'd just like to use this occasion to announce my retirement, undefeated from the world of video boxing.

Homer sobs.


MARGE: Oh, calm down, Homer. Lisa has an idea that she thinks would be fun for the whole family.

Homer moans.

FADE TO BLACK

QUICK FADE IN:

The entire family is at the club. "Bleeding Gums" Murphy is on stage.

"BLEEDING GUMS" MURPHY: This next song was written by a friend of mine, one of the great little ladies of jazz.

Murphy lifts up his sunglasses in a motion to Lisa. Murphy and his band begin to play. The entire Simpson family taps along.

"BLEEDING GUMS" MURPHY:

I got this bratty brother
He bugs me every day
And this mornin' my own mother
Gave my last cupcake away
My dad acts like he belongs, y'all...
He belongs in the zoo

HOMER: What?!

"BLEEDING GUMS" MURPHY:

I'm the saddest kid
In grade number two

Murphy peforms a solo as credits appear.

It continues to play as an outside sh*t of the club is shown. CREDITS continue until...

FADE OUT

THE END