16x08 - Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass

[bunniefuu]

(SINGING) ♪ The Simpsons ♪

(TIRES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(SCREAMS)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

(SUCKING)

I used to love Springfield Park. But it's gotten so run-down.

(MEN MOANING)

(DOG HOWLING)

Oh, the "prid" is gone.

(SIGHS IN DISGUST) This whole place is disgusting.

I agree.

Hey, aren't you that Crazy Cat Lady?

Yes, I am. But thanks to this psychoactive medication, I enjoy brief moments of lucidity.

Those are just Reese's Pieces.

(CRAZED RAVING)

(CATS MEOWING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(CATS MEOWING)

I know how to save this park. I'm gonna organize a charity carnival.

Uh, Mom? Looks like someone b*at you to it.

God, that Junior League burns me up.

Step right up and bid on items donated by local businesses.

Oh, I only got $100. I better bid shrewdly.

First up is this video camera.

$100. $100.50.

Sold.

Damn it!

(GRUNTING)

I never win anything.

Ooh, here's something I'm good at.

(HUMMING)

(ALARM RINGING)

Homer: Knee... Left...

Ding...

(BELL DINGING)

Hmm!

Hmm.

Yes!

Check it out, fat-wad. I'm better than you, and I'm only 10.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(LAUGHS)

Fat-wad, I love it.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Easy... Gentle...

(THUDDING)

(SPLASHING)

Ay, caramba!

Mmm-hmm.

I'm number one. I b*at my son.

Victory is mine. So, kiss my behind.

(SCATTING)

In your face.

(SCATTING CONTINUES)

My son flips frogs like a girl, yeah.

(SCATTING)

Who's your daddy?

(SCATTING CONTINUES)

Hey, Homer. Do fries come with that shake?

Sure do.

Mmm.

(CHUCKUNG)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(SCATTING)

(YELPING)

I'm happy-

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(LAUGHING CRAZILY)

He makes me look cool. And cool, lam not.

May I upload your footage onto my website?

Well, sir, I don't believe we've ever met.

My name is Jeff Albertson.

But everyone calls me Comic Book Guy.

Well, I'll just call you "friend."

Here's your tape, friend.

(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(LASER sh*ts FIRED)

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

What should we click on next?

(Jimbo) "Boxer sh*t by wife"?

"Beauty pageant diarrhea"?

(Kearney) Here's a new one.

"Big-ass Baryshnikov."

(CLICKING)

(GRUNTING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Now to send this spaz around the world.

(CLICKING)

(LAUGHING IN FRENCH ACCENT)

(LAUGHING IN JAPANESE ACCENT)

(LAUGHING IN BOTSWANAN ACCENT)

(MIMICKING SEAL LAUGHTER)

Stupid lnternet. Whole world laughing at me.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Look at the American computer monkey.

Dance, monkey. Dance.

(ROARING)

Basta. Basta.

Take my picture with the lnternet Mama Luke.

(ROARING)

(GIBBERING)

(BEEPING)

The lnternet wasn't created for mockery.

It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets.

It was.

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

Hello. I'm Deion Overstreet.

The running back for the San Antonio Cow Skulls?

Five-time rushing leader, two-time MVP, and star of a Disney Channel movie.

I played the gentle giant, "Stay-off-dr*gs-ia."

I know why you're here.

You want to see me humiliate myself with my stupid dance.

Well, fine.

(SCATTING)

Wrong.

Side step. Side step. Shuffle.

I want to buy the rights to that dance for $1,000.

Woo-hoo! But why?

My workmanlike touchdowns never make the highlight reel.

But if I add your shameless shenanigans, I'll be on ESPN every night.

You want to do my dance after you score?

Damn straight. And I'll buy any other dances you got, too.

Woo-hoo! (SCATTING)

(SIGHS)

(SCATTING CONTINUES)

"L" is for loser, which describes you, sir.

Don't try to stop me. Just enjoy the view, sir.

"The view, sir. Then show ass." Got it.

Honey, I bet you're wondering why Daddy's not at work again.

The answer may surprise you.

I have a new job choreographing end zone dances for a professional football player.

Looks like all you're teaching is obnoxiousness and poor sportsmanship.

Don't forget showboating.

That's the cornerstone of my pyramid of success.

Ooh! I forgot crotch grabbing.

That'll be the sun.

Mmm-hmm.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Grandpa, will you take me fishing?

Sorry, Jimmy.

Your grandma and I are going to have old people sex.

Thank you, Jammitin.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh! There's nothing but filth on TV.

But with this new video camera, we can make our own entertainment.

Now, boys, we're gonna film the world's first, and some would say, best m*rder mystery.

The story of Cain and Abel.

Daddy, if Cain and Abel were Adam and Eve's only children, how did they make more babies?

Did they make babies with their mother or with each other?

Your mouth is hopin' for a soapin', boy.

Now stop asking silly questions and go k*ll your brother.

(WHIMPERS)

After you prance across the goal line, you hurl the other team's mascot to the ground and drive your cleats into his neck.

(CROWD CHEERING)

You're going down, you potato-eating pansy.

Homer, are you sure we aren't crossing a line here?

I happen to know that the person inside that leprechaun suit is a single mother.

Deion, this is Timmy Thomas.

(WHISPERING) He has Timmy Thomas disease.

Mr. Overstreet, could you do an obnoxious end zone dance for me today?

(COUGHING)

Please?

(CROWD CHEERING)

Yay!

(GONNA MAKE YOU SWEAT PLAYING)

(CHOMPING)

How do you like me now?

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Homer, this is LeBron James.

The fans love my dunks, but they hate my dancing.

(CROWD BOOING)

I think I can fit you in. Let's see.

Lenny, can I move you from Wednesday at noon to Sunday at 6:00?

Homer, you know that's when I play with neighborhood dogs.

All right, all right. I'll work it out.

Aw, you guys are what it's all about.

Reverend, thanks for turning the church into a "he-without-sineplex."

What the... Oh, I get it.

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

Boys, I just talked to God.

He's vacuuming heaven to get it ready for when dead people show up.

And he'd like you both to render a sacrifice.

I shall sacrifice my finest grains and livestock.

(BUZZING)

Behold, I have found favor with the Lord.

So shall my Kn*fe find favor with thy belly.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

Now, I must bury my son while you wander the earth forever with the mark of evil upon your face.

(CROWD GASPS)

(ALL CHEERING)

(GROANS)

Ned, your film was a masterpiece.

It turned me from an atheist to a hooray-theist.

Uh, sir, you have revealed to me a world of faith beyond the world of science.

I would pay to see it again, and again, and again, and again, but not six times.

I also would pay to see it again.

Me, too. Here's some guy's wallet.

I am that guy.

Smithers, we could make a fortune with these Bible pictures.

And I've been looking for a way to launder the money I made selling club soda as flu vaccine.

Everyone seemed so happy. But, I'm surprised at Ned.

He left out all the good times Cain and Abel had when they were growing up.

He's just being true to the Bible, which is pretty violent.

And sexy.

King David stole someone else's wife. Mary Magdalene was a hooker.

Bart, how do you know these things?

It's all in this book.

(BART LAUGHS)

(GROANS)

Homer: Welcome to the Homer Simpson Showboating Academy.

Today we're working on poor sportsmanship.

First, I want you to hurl a ball at the nearest authority figure.

Nicely done.

Oh, my God. It's my hero, Michelle Kwan.

You remind me of a young Dorothy Hamill.

(GASPS)

I didn't know you could talk.

Lisa, could you pass the salad?

And it's James with the steal.

(CREAKING)

(G LASS S HATTE RS)

(GROANS)

Who wants to help me clear the table?

(SPEAKING IN MANDARIN)

Wait a second. I've read that you speak excellent English.

Shut up, kid. I got a good thing going here.

(GULPING)

Oh, my. Ned's next movie seems even bloodier than the last one.

Now there's no need to actually whip him.

We can put the sound in later.

No. As your financial backer, I insist upon reality.

Pharaoh didn't put the sound in later.

But who'd know the difference? The people being whipped.

(YELLING)

(GROANS)

Hey, Lovejoy. You could take a lesson from Flanders.

You know, inject your services with a little razzle-dazzle.

I already do, if by "razzle" you mean piety and by "dazzle" you mean scriptural accuracy.

What a tool.

I am richer than you.

(TRUMPETS PLAYING)

Look out, Jonah. It's a whale.

(ROARING)

Jonah!Jonah!Jonah!

Yarr!

The only just solution is to cut the baby in half.

(PIERCING FLESH)

Wait a minute.

I've k*lled a baby. I'm a monster.

(GROWLS)

I can't take anymore.

Ned, there's more to the Bible than blood and gore.

Oh, I guess you'd rather see a film about a liberal European wizard school or the latest sexcapade of Miss Ashley Judd.

Well, I don't like this movie.

And I'm gonna boycott your financier, Mr. Burns.

Oh, really? And what would you use instead of nuclear power?

Solar. Hydroelectric.

A mix of conservation and wind.

Who told you about those?

A talking tree in a commercial.

Ah.

Well, I know when I've been licked.

Sorry, Ned. This movie will never be seen again.

Dis-embroider the crew jackets. We can still send them back.

Mmm-hmm.

Welcome to Jock Center.

Tonight, the Clipper and the stripper, a Jones that's chipper, and did Joe Torre sh**t Flipper?

But first, professional sports continues its downward march into the gutter.

(LAUGHS)

This is either about me or steroids.

Thanks to professional jerk-ass, Homer Simpson, athletes are now taunting and boasting just to get on our highlight reel.

Disgusting. Now here's our highlight reel.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Art comes from pain. Your pain.

Beware the wrath of Kwan.

Everyone sucks but me.

Oh, yeah. Cheer for Tom. Give all your love to Tom.

(LAUGHS)

I'm the worst thing to happen to sports since Fox.

Master, you are truly a fool.

Homer Simpson, we work for the commissioner of football.

And he wants to see you.

I want to see him, too.

Maybe he can tell me how to get this off.

It soaked through to the other side.

Man: The commissioner's in here with all the owners.

Homer, we think you're fabulous.

Since the players began your rowdy rump-shaking, our ratings are up 62%.

Plus we're making millions in player fines, which I'm gonna use to bankroll a musical about the J. Geils Band.

(ALL CHEERING)

(Rich Texan) That's right, J. Geils.

Here's why we called you in.

We want you to produce this year's Super Bowl Half-time Show.

Wow. At last, my pathetic little life has a meaning.

(CHUCKLES)

You suckers, I would've done it for free.

Fine. Do it for free.

Damn it. Well, I'll still do it.

(CHUCKLES) Suckers. I would've paid you.

Fine. Pay us.

Oh, damn it. Will you take a check?

No. Damn it.

Mmm-hmm.

Announcer: The Super Bowl Half-time Show.

From its humble origins in Super Bowl I...

(TROMBONE PLAYING)

...to the marriage of Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man in Super Bowl XVI.

I now pronounce you Pac-Man and wife.

(SINGING) Let's get physical, physical.

I wanna get physical.

Let's get into physical

(TURNS OFF TV) Oh, every single Super Bowl Half-time Show has been great.

Oh, Homie, don't worry.

I'm sure you'll come up with a great idea.

I don't know. It's a lot of pressure.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Do many people watch the Super Bowl?

Billions. Oh.

(GUITAR PLAYING)

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

We're ready for rehearsal, Mr. Simpson. So what do we do?

(MEGAPHONE SWITCHES ON) Ah...

Uh...

Oh, man, I have no idea what I'm doing.

I wonder if other Super Bowl producers waited till 3:00 in the morning the night before to plan their half-time shows.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

A church.

Maybe the homeless people sleeping on the floor will have some ideas.

Flanders?

Well, I guess you've got some late night problems, too.

Yeah. I made a great film.

But I'm having trouble getting it out there.

I'm like Michael Moore, except I'm skinny, myjeans are washed, and God loves me.

(SIGHS) I just wish I could find some way to spread my message.

Have you tried checking the oil filter?

Are you even listening to me?

Sure. I'd be happy to tell you my problem.

I've got a venue the whole world will be watching and nothing to fill it with.

Wait a minute.

You've got a medium, and I've got a message.

Maybe God brought us together for a reason.

Yeah. You help me and I, in turn, am helped by you.

Announcer: And so, ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the start of Super Bowl X-X-X-I-X.

This brand new $300 million stadium was completed just one short week ago.

And it's scheduled for demolition early next month.

America's priorities are a joke. Now, Here's the kickoff.

Wow. All these people are gonna see Dad's show.

Oh, I paid $1,000 for this seat.

And I can't even see the game. Just poke through.

(SLURPS) Hmm.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(g*nsh*t)

Announcer: And that's the g*n.

We head into half-time with the thrilling score of 55 to 6.

But don't stop watching in the second half.

Points count double.

And now, the eagerly awaited Super Bowl Half-time Show.

Sponsored by the new Ford pick-ups, Citibank, and Moe's Tavern.

How could you afford this?

I hustled a lot of pool.

Hey, you want to play?

I gotta warn ya. I ain't that good. (LAUGHS)

All right.

Sucker.

(GRUNTS)

Who's the sucker now? Huh?

Time for Homer's half-time show. Get ready, Frank.

Frank went to the men's room. I'm Joe.

Homer: We now take you back through the ages to a time before TV, before cowboys, before dinosaurs.

The time of the Bible.

The children of God once lived according to their father's laws.

But then a shadow of wickedness fell across the land as represented by this cloud of white pesticide.

(ALL COUGHING)

But there was one righteous man, Noah.

Oh, mighty God, send a flood to destroy this wickedness.

Hey, you guys think Homer's mad at me?

I waved at him in the parking lot and he stared right through me.

I left the People's Republic for this?

Yo, Michelle, you got a boyfriend?

Not in here, I don't.

After 40 days and 40 nights, the rain stopped.

And Noah set forth a single dove.

(WHIMPERS)

(WHIMPERING CONTINUES)

So God blessed Noah and his sons. And said to them, "Never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth.

"I set my rainbow in the cloud.

"And it shall be a sign of the covenant between God and man." Thank you.

(SPLASHING)

(CROWD BOOING)

All over America today, viewers were outraged by the Super Bowl Half-time Show's blatant display of religion and decency.

You try to raise your kids as secular humanists.

But these showbiz types keep shoving religion down our throats.

Mommy, why wasn't I baptized?

You see? You see?

I thought America was hungry for meaning.

I should've just sent a crocodile into space like I originally planned.

Oh.

Homie, I think you did great. And to celebrate, I made omelets from the eggs people threw at our house.

Dig in, everybody.

Omelets for dinner? This is the best day of my life.

Really? Didn't you just sign a $90 million contract?

That was a good day, too.

Homer: Welcome to the Homer Simpson Showboating Academy.

Today we're working on poor sportsmanship.

But I like to stand for good sportsmanship.

Quiet, you. Yes, sir.