02x02 - Jesus Gonna Get His

[bunniefuu]

(knocking)

Aw, yeah!

Wake your punk asses up.

Let's go, y'all. It's time to go spread the Good Word.

(chuckles)

Pops was real specific when he spit that sh*t, dawg.

He wanted us to cut the bullshit, make some legit bread and get out here and spread the Word.

And the first step to spreading the Word is getting out here and finding people who want to hear the Word, pimp.

Man, n*gg*s got other sh*t to do than going to church all day, though, Jee.

Ah, but we in the big leagues now, Fish.

Think about it... you got to scope out the competition to see how they getting down, right? So we gonna go check out that bangin'-ass church on the corner.

You know the one I'm talking about.

Oh, man, that church on the corner, man, they got a lot of weird stuff going on down there.

That's Vic's uncle church, man.

The one who had the teeth reduction.

You can't judge the man by his nephew.

He might be a good dude.

Now, we need to find Jason and Tray, and we going to church.

Congregation: ♪ Amazing grace ♪
♪ How ♪
♪ Sweet ♪
♪ The sound ♪
♪ That saved ♪
♪ A wretch ♪
♪ Like me ♪
♪ I once ♪
♪ Was lost ♪
♪ But now ♪
♪ I'm found ♪
♪ Was blind ♪
♪ But now ♪
♪ I see. ♪

Amen!

Congregation: Amen.

All right, y'all have a seat, now.

Now, you know... last Sunday a sister stopped me.

She said, "Reverend...

Men: What'd she say?

".. I can't give to Jesus, I'm short on rent." I said, "You got it all backwards. You're short on rent because you can't pay Jesus."

Man: Amen!

Don't pay your bills first, pay Jesus first.

(congregation exclaiming)

Then maybe you'd be able to pay them bills.

n*gga said, Then "I got to pay for my diabetes medicine.

I said, "If you paid Jesus, maybe you wouldn't have diabetes, n*gga."

Then you drag your ingrate asses in this church and come with that, "Here, Jesus, uh, take this little ol' bullshit ten percent I got left over from the week."

And you got the nerve to wonder why your life sucks, why you ain't got sh*t.

Man: Amen!

Keep your ol' funky, bullshit ten percent.

That's a tip!

Jesus don't want no tip... Jesus want it all!

I didn't... I didn't say that.

He gave you all his love, gave you all his divine grace, gave you all his salvation.

Man: Glory, glory!

And he deserves all your money.

(congregation exclaiming, applauding)

There you go, man.

Damn, brah. I feel terrible I've been holding out on you like that, man.

Here you go... two dollars and three cent, you can have it.

Man, that's some bullshit. That dude's speaking with the devil's tongue, man. He trying to rip all these poor people off.

I hate this sh*t.

Rev. Cleveland: That time you lost your wallet?

That was Jesus getting his money.

Ow.

Jesus ain't supposed to elbow n*gg*s that hard.

That child support?

Shh!

Jesus took that.

Bitch, sit the (bleep) down.

The funny thing is...

That mysterious parking ticket?

That wasn't the city.

Man: No, it wasn't.

That was Jesus taking what's his.

Man, I ain't wrote a ticket in my life, man.

This dude is some... with some piracy, man. He out here trying to rip folks off, man. That's real, man.

Rev. Cleveland: Now, you can't hide money from Jesus.

Cheap bastards.

Jesus gonna get his one way or another, so you might as well give it up now.

(applause)

Man: Preach!

Preach! Preach! Preach!

Hey, yo, Jee, I don't think this the place God wants us to be, man.

Nah, Fish. This is exactly where he want us to be.

So what are you degenerate n*gg*s doing here?

Come on, Vic, man, you better than this, man. Y'all trying to rip people off.

Look, y'all ain't here to hear the Word, get the (bleep) out.

Hold on, there, Vic.

W-What's going on, here? Who is that?

Sound like you teaching people to worship money.

With all due respect, Reverend, that sound like some bullshit to me.

Ooh.

Vic: Reverend Otis, this is a aboriginal con man from Australia.

n*gga just got out the mental institution, think he's Jesus.

(all laughing)

Jesus!

Well, is that right?

Well, if you're gonna be a crazy fool, you might as well go all the way with it.

Look, I don't want your money.

Neither does Pops.

You can't buy God's blessings.

It don't work like that.

Man: Sit down!

Says the man who obviously ain't got no blessings.

(laughter)

People...

People, don't give this dude your money.

He ripping you off. Vic, come on, man, you better than that. You really gonna just stand by and rip these people off?

Man: That's blasphemy. He's blaspheming.

If Jesus, the real Jesus, didn't want me to have this money, then Jesus would take it away!

(agreeing, applause)

And... and-and look at your ankles.

(laughter)

Ankles so ashy, they look like they're about to be dropped in a deep fryer.

(laughter)

I've been walking a lot of miles. So what?

And-and that wig you got on, you better find whatever meth addict you stole that hair from and give it back.

(laughter)

Your mama should be arrested for littering.

Come back when you can afford God's love, n*gga. Save up.

(laughter)

Get them bums on out of here. Put 'em in the trash.

As a matter of fact, put 'em in the recycling bin.

Maybe-maybe God can do better.

(laughter)

Rev. Cleveland: Everybody needs to be saved, and we need some money!

(applause)

A robbery? You're telling me, you, Jesus Christ, you want to rob a church.

Never cease to amaze, boy.

See, dude, that man said one thing right, which was, if Jesus didn't want him to have that bread, then Jesus would take it back.

And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Hey, man. Look, man. I know you're mad, man.

They went in on you pretty bad at the church, but this isn't very Jesus-y.

Man, (bleep) that.

Pops sent me here on a mission: to take back the city for (bleep) on the side of righteousness. We can't keep letting these suckers steal the hearts and the minds and the money from the poor people's pockets.

Come on, Boonie. That's some bullshit.

Hey, Jesus, man, I agree with you.

We don't like what he doing, but you're always talking about free will, right?

That's what you're always preaching. And it's free will.

The people are giving him the money.

He's not stealing it from 'em.

It is stealing, Fish.

Tray, tell these fools something.

Yeah, low-key, the minister has been actively engaged in stealing from the church.

His own church, though. His own church.

♪ ♪

Trayvon: The church takes its donations after it's been collected, and they put them in their money room, which is located next to his personal green room backstage at the church.

Later, after the service, two guards from L.E.G. Security arrive to transport the money.

The official count begins with Vic, with the two guards present.

$4,735.23.

Give or take a few bucks, it's almost the same every week.

From that point, it goes with the security guards directly out the door to the

Fourth National Southwest Compton Bank.

Wait, wait, wait. Time-out. Did I miss something?

Damn right, dude. Tray, sprinkle these cats.

Now, after the church service is over but before the money is counted and taken away, Reverend Cleveland enters the room for exactly 11 minutes to pray over the money.

He jams the WI-Fi.

Now, for exactly 11 minutes, the Internet goes dead, and the Dropcam in the money room goes dead as well.

Word is, the power of his prayer literally disconnects the Internet, but that's B.S.

Whatever.

♪ ♪

And that's when he steals half of the week's take, before anyone even knows it's there.

♪ ♪

How'd you find out this information?

Jesus told me.

Oh. All this divine vision.

I just like the way Trayvon break it down all Mission: Impossible like.

All right. So, the key is to get into the money room and steal the half of the money that he's going to steal before the minister goes in and prays over it.

Okay. So, how we gonna do that?

It all comes down to one lady.

I'll tell you one thing: If you had a giant bed with some giant sheets in Africa and you try to make that bed, them lions will jump around on that bed just like little kitty cats.

Shut the (bleep) up, Lloyd.

Ms. Tudi: 'Cause I don't want to, that's why! Yeah. Well...

Hey. Hey, you hear that?

Hear what?

That's why! You're going too far.

That sound like Ms. Tudi.

Ms. Tudi: 'Cause I don't want to, that's why!

Jesus: Shh!

Ms. Tudi, keep your voice down.

Why you acting all bougie and sh*t, like you some kind of angel or something? How many times I looked away with my holy and infinite gaze when you was doing janky sh*t yourself?

Because it's wrong, that's why! It's going too far.

Jesus: You don't do this for me, then I think you don't need Jesus in your life no more.

Ms. Tudi: Okay, I'll do it. But don't you ever ask me to do anything like this again. I mean it.

Jesus: Ms. Tudi, come back. Why you got to be like that? Come here.

(organ playing)

Vic: Yes, welcome, welcome.

Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

Ah.

Well, well. What a pleasant surprise.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Good morning, Vic.

I, um, just had a need to hear the Word.

A different word, if you know what I mean.

Mm-hmm.

That is, if a sinner like me is welcome.

Well, all are welcome here.

Especially you.

Oh.

Let me escort you to our VIP area.

Oh.

Thank you, Vic.

And then Jesus... ugh, whatever that n*gga's real name is... he asked me to do something, Vic, that I know Jesus would not ask a person to do.

Have a seat, Ms. Tudi.

Oh, thank you.

I heard that the pastor will hold a private meeting with a potential donor. Do you think that he might see me today before the service starts?

The pastor's kind of busy.

I know, Vic, but, um...

I need help from the real Jesus.

And I brought my checkbook.

Do they have activities here, like, for, uh, singles?

Excuse me.

Mm-hmm.

The reverend will see you now.

Oh. All right. Well, thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, you know, Ms. Tudi, uh, my uncle's kind of old, okay, so he may say something that's inappropriate, but don't take it personal.

I'm a big girl, Vic.

But thank you for your concern.

Ms. Tudi!

My nephew tells me that you were well-endowed with gifts from the Lord.

But I see the Lord has endowed you well, too.

(laughing): Oh.

(laughing)

Stop it some more, Reverend.

Oh, please have a seat.

Okay.

Uh, Vic, will you excuse us, please?

Please.

Oh... yeah.

So, I understand you're looking to make a sizable donation to the church.

Oh, yes. Yes, Reverend, and I was, um...

Well, I was hoping that you and I could also spend some personal time.

You see, Reverend, I need some private, spiritual counseling.

Well, this can be arranged.

(laughing)

Good.

(laughing)

But, you know, Jesus would want you to be relaxed.

Oh.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Damn!

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Uh, judge not lest you be judged.

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah... ♪

(both laugh)

I'll take this one. Well...

(loud knocking)

Can't you wait for a "Come in," n*gga?!

Uh, sorry, Rev. It's just that it's five minutes to showtime.

n*gga, I got a watch!

Uh-huh.

Ms. Tudi, excuse me, will you?

(laughing)

I will be back... after the show.

But you, uh, feel free to mix yourself another drink.

Oh. Thank you, Reverend.

Have a good service.

Thank you.

(laughs)

(clears her throat, laughs)

Hey, Ms. Tudi, I don't think that you should, uh, wait.

You getting jealous, huh, Vic?

No, no, I'm not jealous. I'm-I'm just looking out for you.

That's so sweet. Oh!

Oh, see?

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

See? Put that drink down, Ms. Tudi.

You had enough. Yeah.

Yeah.

Let me take you home, all right?

Okay, okay.

(touch tone sounds)

Hello. Hey, hey, listen, man, I got something to do.

I'm gonna be back in time for the count.

Thank you for taking care of me.

Oh, think nothing of it.

(organ plays)

Yeah?

Oh.

Oh.

(groans)

Ooh!

Mind if I sit here for a little bit?

Okay.

Man: Amen!

Man 2: Preacher! Preacher!

Rev. Cleveland: A little boy came to me.

He said, "Reverend, what does God do with all that money?"

I b*at that little boy's ass, and I told him to mind his business.

(applause) That's what I did.

Man: Yeah!

Rev. Cleveland: Dig in your pockets and give Jesus what he deserves!

He's your Lord and Savior.

That's worth at least 90%.

Jesus paid for your sins, and now he's come to collect.

Amen.

And God has a warm place for you n*gg*s who try to hold out on him in church.

(applause)

Help!

(coughing)

(people groaning, cell cameras beep)

(people groaning)

What are you guys doing? This man's having a heart att*ck. Somebody help!

(cell cameras clicking)

Hey, man, y'all some cold (bleep)!

Man, don't you see I'm having a heart att*ck!?

Well, what?

(Boonie grunting)

Yes, my uncle... he's having a heart att*ck!

Please send somebody.

(coughs)

Okay, great! Guys, listen, don't panic.

Help is on the way. Paramedics are coming.

All right, guys, let's go. We've got an emergency.

Obviously, we have a bit of a medical emergency, so, uh, let-let us all pray, I guess...

(audience murmuring loudly)

...for the... for the fat brother on the floor.

Everybody, move...

Obviously, this brother has never passed a ham hock he didn't like.

(Boonie groans)

Over here.

Boonie: Oh. (coughs)

BPs are dropping.

We got to fill him with phenobarbital.

Pull back on the retractors. Three, two, one.

(Boonie groaning)

Whoa!

Man: He's heavy.

(overlapping chatter)

(people gasp, groan, yell)

For crying out loud!

Okay, everybody look.

We need to stabilize him first.

Okay, everybody move. We need to make room here. Move.

Jason: Come on, everybody back up.

We need room here. We need room.

'Cause we got to get this guy to the back.

Back up, everyone!

Wait! That area is off limits!

James! James, go, go in the back with them!

Coming through, people. Coming through!

All right. Sir, we have an emergency.

This man is having a heart att*ck!

We need a room with a big, flat table.

What about this room? Is there a flat table in this room?

Ain't nobody allowed in that room.

Sir, if he dies, you're gonna face criminal charges... are you willing to do that?

Hell, no. I'm on parole.

Then I suggest you open that door quick.

Give me the key. Come on.

Just hang in there, sir.

(mumbling)

Stay with us.

Come this way.

Medical personnel only.

Pray for him, people.

(sobbing)

You can't lock the door.

(sobbing): My, my uncle!

(whispers): Hurry up.

(engine starts)

(phone rings)

Hello.

I told you I had something to...

Emergency paramedics?

Look... I told you I had something to do.

I will be back in five minutes!

Later.

Is everything okay?

Sound like some real crazy sh*t is going on over there... I don't know what, you know...

Vic, just... (groans)

Listen, I got something I got to tell you.

What's that?

But you got to promise you're not gonna call the police.

Come on, man.

You got to know that's something I would never do.

Child, Jesus is robbing the church.

That g*dd*mn con man!

So I know even in church sometimes sh*t hap...

Wha...?

(whispers inaudibly)

Uh... pray!

Hey! Whoa!

Hey! Hey!

Nobody in the money room!

You can't be in there.

(low grunting)

Go save that fat n*gga somewhere else!

Open up this door!

Hey, listen, go get the spare key inside my, inside my office.

Okay.

My uncle. Please, please, pray... pray for my uncle! Please!

Oh, get this n*gga off of me!

Clear the way! He's gonna be okay.

I need 10cc's Diazepam, X-Y-Z right now.

Trayvon: Thank you! Thank you so much!

Don't disturb him.

We got to get this man out of here.

Yeah, wait, wait, wait! Hey.

Count that money.

Maggie: We got to defibrillate him the moment we pull him off the wire.

Aha! Caught!

Vic: See, those ain't no paramedics.

That's the con man and his cult of followers.

What the hell?

Yeah, Ms. Tudi told me the whole plan.

They just robbed the collection.

Yeah, she was supposed to distract me so I didn't notice these clowns.

Ms. Tudi, you told Vic?!

Bitch!

Ms. Tudi: Listen, I know I'm not always the best influence...

I know that... but this right here, robbing a church? Come on, Jesus, this is crossing the line.

Okay, look, look, we planned to rob a church, I ain't gonna lie.

But at the last minute, we couldn't do it. I mean, Fish was right. Hey, even though I don't like you collecting money in my name, what could I say, man, stealing is stealing.

Ms. Tudi, Vic, Reverend, two wrongs don't make a right.

We didn't steal your money.

It's all there... go ahead and count it.

Jesus...

I'm proud of you.

Rev. Cleveland: Come on. Come in here.

Search 'em.

Get up in their ass like the airport.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.

Go check that camera footage.

Okay.

Five thousand four hundred and thirty-two dollars and forty-three cents.

That's all?

That's actually the best week we had all year.

But there could've been more. I bet there was more.

Wow. Would there be more, Reverend?

Hmm.

Uh, listen, why don't you let the boys go, huh?

I mean, we don't want to call the police and have them snooping in little places.

Rev. Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, we don't want no police.

Ms. Tudi: Yeah.

(sighs) All right, let 'em go.

But Jesus is gonna get his.

Oh, yeah.

I think Jesus already did.

(Jesus chuckling)

n*gga, you need to go wash your feet.

And don't come back here no more.

We got nothing on the cam.

The WI-Fi went out same time as usual.

(exhales, mumbles)

What happened to that skinny little crying n*gga?

Get this n*gga off of me!

Open the door! Out of the way!

Clear the way! He's gonna be okay! Thank you so much!

♪ ♪

Hey! Count that money.

Hey, wait a minute!

♪ ♪
♪ ♪

(chatter, singing)

Whoo! My Lord and Savior!

We pulled it off!

Okay, okay, everyone. Relax.

Jesus, it's your money. You deserve it.

There you go.

Aw, come on, Tray.

He's right, he's right.

Yeah, felt good to hold it, at least.

Mm! Father, Son, Holy Spirit and... amen!

In God we trust.

(chuckling)

(speaking inaudibly)

Wait. Wait.

All of it.

Fish: All right, Big Jee, can't wait to see what you're gonna do with it, man.

It's all you.

♪ Hallelujah... ♪

(whooping)

(laughing)

Ta-da...!

(laughing)

You spent the money on a food truck?

That's what I said.

Oh, ye of little faith.

It's not just a food truck, this is our church!

(laughing)