01x01 - Pilot

Woman: I can't believe we finally went out.

I mean, work is gonna be so weird now.

Yeah. I don't care.

(laughter)

You want to come up?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Let's go.

Yes.

Right this way.

Thank you.

Yes.

Come on in.

Okay.

Who's he?

Oh. Chad.

This is Matt.

Matt, this is my ex-fiancé Chad.

Oh. Hey.

Cool.

Yeah, cool.

(laughter) Matt: All right, well.

Yeah, so... Um, I can leave? I can...

Oh, no. No, no, don't worry.

No?

Don't. No, no. I, um... I told him this was happening.

Okay.

Just, I should have told you, too, but then you wouldn't have come up, and I really wanted you to.

I'm gonna get us some drinks, okay?

Yeah.

Would you mind giving us some privacy, please, Chad?

(clears her throat)

(sighs)

Okay, looks like I've got wine or wine.

And I also have wine.

Yeah.

Beer sounds good.

Wine it is.

Wow! You guys already got a banter.

I like that. It's real cute. You guys clearly get each other.

I'm sorry, man. I didn't know that you were gonna be here.

Um, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here? I live here.

This is my place, brah. What are you doing here?

Well, you know, Colleen invited me.

You know that's my fiancée, right?

Think the wedding is off.

Mm... not to us, it's not.

Not to Princess and I.

Maybe to her. Not to us, okay? So it's half on.

Hi. Found a beer.

Oh.

Is that my beer?

What are you still doing here, Chad? Get in your room.

Get in your room.

That's my beer, though.

Yeah, just go take Princess for a walk, please.

Yeah, she's not in the mood.

She's too upset by the situation.

Oh, my God.

You drink that, I'm gonna kill you!

What are you doing? Why are you talking like that?

That's how I talk now.

I'm sorry. He's harmless really.

He went to Vassar.

Oh. So, um, why is he still here?

Um... we bought this place together.

Right.

And because of his IRS troubles, he can't afford to leave.

And I can't afford to buy him out, so...

(mutters) You know, just a few kinks we're working out.

Yeah. (laughs)

Weren't we doing something sexy?

Yeah.

Mmm.

(moaning)

Are you sure that it's okay to be doing this here?

You mean Chad?

Yeah.

Yeah, he can't hear anything in here.

Okay, but, you know, he's looking at us, and-and he's crying.

(crying)

(Princess whimpers, Chad kisses)

Want to go to your place?

I'll drive.

Okay.

This is, like, so fancy.

You really buried the lead on this one.

Are you, like, a trust fund baby?

Ah, no, it's not like that.

Hey, can I get you something to drink?

I think we have wine and wine.

Woman: We're in here, Matt.

Man: Hey, Matt, come here.

You got to see this.

It's that Steven Seagal movie I love.

Not the one where he kills everybody to save the trees, but the one where he dislocates all their shoulders.

Woman: Ooh!

Hello. Hi.

Honey, Matt has a friend here.

Pause the TV.

Okay.

(yelling on TV)

Honey, just pause it.

I'm trying.

Yeah, just pause it, sweetheart.

Man: How many remotes do we need?

Can you just pause it?

Whatever happened to knobs?

(volume increases)

Yeah, pause it.

I can't find the...

(man yelling on TV)

Oh, pause it!

(loud soundtrack plays on TV)

Oh.

(TV turns off, laughter)

Thought you guys were gonna be at the Kaufmann bar mitzvah.

Oh, they had to shut the party down early because little Joshy got overwhelmed by the hypnotist and spent the whole time in the corner crying.

Oh, no.

Oh.

You're adorable.

Oh.

Would you like a scoop of vanilla ice cream?

I have a scoop every night.

Drive you home?

(moaning)

Oh, this is so hot. All we needed was our own space.

(moaning)

Hmm? You hookers never learn.

Get out the car.

(woman yelps)

Woman: Remember to breathe, Jen.

(yelling)

You can do this. Bear down now.

There you go.

(screaming)

There you go. Good job. Good job.

And now give me a really good push.

I can't!

A really good push.

Man: You can. You can do it.

You can do it, sweetie.You can.

Okay. (groans)

You got it. You can do it.

(screaming)

There you go. Oh.

Oh, I see the baby's head.

You can see it?

Oh, no.

Ah. Did I poop on the table?

Man: Um... Oh, my God, I did, didn't I?

Ah...

Was it a lot?

Uh, well, uh... Um...

Say something!

Don't worry, hon. I seen a whole lot worse than that.

It gets worse than that?

Mm-hmm.

(whimpers)

Hello.

All right, Daddy crushed this swaddle.

She's not getting out of this thing till high school.

Oh. Hello.

Oh, our little baby burrito.

Knock, knock. How are you feeling this morning?

Ah... Ah, that couch did a number on my neck.

Ah, well, I've written a prescription for the pain, and I'm gonna give you a bunch of these latex gloves.

Your job is to fill them with water and keep them in the freezer.

Take a frozen glove and insert a finger for relief.

Oh.

Let the fun begin.

I'll see you guys in six weeks, and of course, no s*x until then.

I'm sorry. Did we know that?

Oh, slow down.

That tunnel is under construction.

Which reminds me... until I see you, do not, no matter what, under any circumstances, for any reason ever look down there.

Okay.

You're gonna want to.

No, I'm not. Not anymore.

Promise me?

Okay, I promise. I swear to God.

This is supposed to be a happy time.

It is. Oh! Congratulations!

(baby cooing)

(all crying) I'm so happy.

It's incredible.

How is the hospital letting us leave?

I don't know.

I mean, they should lose their license.

Like, I never even held a baby until yesterday.

Slow down!

(horn honking)

Slower!

Piece 36.

Where the hell is piece 36?

[i]Why is there a piece 36?

(woman screaming)

What?!

Ow! What is it? What?

She's fine. She's totally fine.

What's the problem? I don't...

Oh, God.

No. No, you looked.

Yeah, I looked. I looked down there.

Why would you do that? Why didn't you wait the six weeks?

I couldn't do it.

I mean, if someone hands you a box and says there's something super crazy inside, but you're not allowed to look in it, of course you're going to look in it!

(crying): I looked in my box.

Oh, sweetie, come here.

Come here, come here. It's okay.

Oh, God. (sighs)

Was that bad, huh?

Oh. Do you remember, uh, when the Predator took off his mask?

I mean, I don't know if we can ever have s*x again.

Like... ever!

Okay.

(exhales loudly)

It's okay. So, uh... so we won't.

Okay.

She's worth it, right? I mean, look at her.

(laughs)

Ever?

Oh, God, I'm in so much pain.

You know what? Hey, let's get the glove. What?

The glove. The glove.

Go get the glove.

Yes, yes. Go get the glove.

We can do this!

We can save your v*g1n*!

Hurry before it's too late!

Okay!

It's taken me a little longer than I anticipated.

(soft groaning)

Here you go, sweetie.

What?! Don't give it to me.

I can't go back down there. You do it.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

Honey, please. I feel like I've done a lot for us recently.

I need you to do this for me.

Okay, fine. For you.

(groaning) Oh, God.

(groaning)

This is really weird. Oh!

Fine. Just cut me off at the waist and put me on one of those skateboards.

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

I'll do it, I'll do it.

Okay.

Whoa. Where are you going with that thing?!

Well, I don't know! I can't see where I'm going! You're not looking?!

No, I'm not looking! I don't want to look if the Predator's down there.

Oh! Okay, north!

Okay, okay. Yeah?

Uh.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mommy likes that.

Ahoy, captain. (chuckles)

Mmm.

What has happened to our relationship?

(sighs)


♪ Called a police and a fireman ♪
♪ I'm too hot ♪
♪[i] Hot damn...

♪ Make a dragon wanna retire, man ♪
♪ I'm too hot ♪
Hot damn...
♪ Say my name, you know who I am ♪
♪ I'm too hot ♪
Hot damn...

Your first college visit! Isn't this exciting?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

College, buddy.

Where you going?!

This is where it all happens.

Anything you want to ask me?

No. I think I'm good, Dad.

You sure? 'Cause your sister tells me you're a virgin.

What? She doesn't know.

It's okay.

I didn't lose my virginity until college.

I thought I lost it in high school, but that was disqualified.

How does it get disqualified?

We were on this couch at Uncle Dave's beach house...

Oh, I don't think I want to hear this story. No.

It's time I told someone, and I want that someone to be you.

So...

No, it doesn't have to be me.

We're on this couch, right, and it starts, and it is amazing.

I mean, we were both really into it, right?

And she looks me right in the eye, and you know what she says to me?

"Never tell this to your son"?

What? No. She says... "Okay, let's do it." And I'm, like, "What? What are you talking about? We just did it"

And then I realized...

I was never with her.

I was... with the...

You were with the what?

You know that space between the two cushions of a couch?

You lost your virginity to a couch?

It only occurred to me when I looked down and saw a lint ball and a nickel stuck to the end of my pen1s.

I can't believe you're a doctor.

Yes, well, speaking of which, you make sure you wrap that rascal.

The clap is back.

Don't worry.

I'll take good care of Tyler.

We're gonna spend some time in the library, grab a healthy meal followed by a prayer meeting.

Then straight to sleepsville.

All right, honey, just promise me you're gonna make good choices.

I will. Yeah.

Okay. Oh, you know what, you have a little...

Mom. Mom.

Right here. It's okay. I got it.

It's gone now. Gone.

Okay. Made you a sandwich, so you have...

Mom, are you kidding? - No, it's for you. Just stick it in your pocket so you have it for later. I don't care if you eat it.

I don't want it.

I just want you to take it with you.

I'm not going to.

Because...

Just take the sandwich so we can all get on with our lives.

Mom...

There are cranberries in it, and I want you to have it in case you need a snack.

Okay. (chuckles)

I love you!

I wish your mom would shove her sandwich in my pants.

Let's talk party options for the night.

So he didn't want the sandwich.

I would've eaten it.

No, it's not the sandwich.

It's just... Tyler is applying to colleges.

I feel like it was just yesterday he was in diapers.

God, he was so cute. Do you...

You remember how he used to call berries "babies"? (chuckles)

Like, "straw-babies" and "rasp-babies" And "black-babies".

Screaming for 'em at the restaurant.

Oh, my God.

"Eat black-babies! Eat black-babies! Eat black.."

Oh. Made that trip to Jamaica one for the record books.

I can't believe you would tell her he isn't real.

She did it on purpose.

You asked. What am I supposed to do, lie?

Yes! Billions of people lie about it every year!

Well, you told me never to lie.

Go to your room.

I don't have a room. We're in a hotel.

Go to the bathroom.

But I don't... have to go.

Go into the bathroom now.

Are you kidding me?

(groans)

So, it's this giant conspiracy that everyone is in on but me?

The fact that you know the word "conspiracy" makes me think maybe you were ready for the truth.

(sighs) What else has this entire family been lying about?

Like, is the Easter B...

Made-up.

What about the Too...

Made-up.

(scoffs)

All made-up. Everything.

Even God?

That's real.

(sighs) Up is down and down is up for me right now.

I need some time alone.

Okay. I... I think the closet is still available.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And you have some serious trust to rebuild here.

(quietly): How could she be so smart and not have figured it out yet?

Because, Tim, she is a sweet, innocent child.

Or she was. Our last baby.

I mean, first Tyler and now this.

I just don't know how much more I can take.

Mom, I think I got my period.

Oh, my God.

Congratulations.

What do you mean you don't know how to get ice? You just push the giant button that says "Ice" and the ice...

Whoa. What are you... Mmm.

Oh. I want to have another baby.

What, here?

Hurry up. Let's do it now before the kids wake up and then they wonder where we are.

I don't know if we should be having another kid if we're hiding from the ones we already have.

No, our fourth one will be different.

This'll be our special baby.

We will finally get everything right.

Mmm. Oh, God, you're making a lot of sense right now. Yeah.

You know what, what are the odds we mess up four in a row, right?

Right?

Let's do this. It can still work, right?

I tell you I want to have a baby with you, and then you call me old.

No, that was a practical question.

I would never call you old. I'm old.

We're the same age. You have to know how I'm going to react if you say something like that to me.

No, you see, that's just it. I don't know. Because I don't know what I'm saying.

Nine times out of ten, I don't think. I just speak.

So when I ask can it still work, I just want to know if we're playing with live bullets.

Well, you're the bullet, so you tell me.

Oh, my bullets are live.

Yeah?

Yeah. I just want to know if the target is... fresh.

So right there, were you... thinking or just speaking again?

I thought I was thinking but, turns out, I just spoke.

Yeah.

Come on.

No.

I think I'm good. I'm... I'm...

Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.

(sighs) Heather.

Do you still want the ice?

(groans) Geez.

(knocking)

Rise and shine, High School.

Your parental units are here.

♪ Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon ♪

So, how was it?

♪ You come and go ♪

(retching)

(others groaning)

♪ If your colors were like my dream ♪

You ate your sandwich.

That's classic.

(organ playing)

Kids, I just want you to know that it's okay that you're not crying.

'Cause we each grieve over your father's... death in different ways.

Yeah. Putting on quite a show, huh, Mom?

Yeah, how are we supposed to act?

I've never been to one of these before.

It's gonna be okay.

That's how you act.

Thank you, sweetie. Your father would be proud of you.

Oh, here he is now.

(fanfare)

Are we supposed to clap?

Hello and thank you all for coming to my funeral.

Is this a cool 70th birthday party or what?

(scattered chuckles)

I actually thought of it after going to my dear friend Chuck's funeral, and I thought, "Wouldn't he be tickled to hear everybody's kind words". So I said to Joanie, "I don't want to miss that. Let's just do this while I'm still here to enjoy it." And, besides, this is a... a terrific opportunity to bring my busy family together with everyone's lives moving so fast.

My grandson, Tyler, he's applying for college.

His sister, Samantha, she just had her first period.

And my son, Greg, had our fourth grandchild with, uh... his wife.

Your dad just forgot my name again.

No, he didn't.

His... wonderful wife.

It's cool. I've only been a part of this family for five years.

There she is.

Hey. (chuckles)

So, enough of my yakking.

Let's get on with the eulogies, huh? Cheers.

(applause) (slurping)

"Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods, For nothing now can ever come to any good."

Thank you.

(applause)

Honey, did you write that?

That should be published.

Thanks, Mom. (chuckles)

Stole that from Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Who stole it from W. H. Auden.

So technically I didn't steal it. I just performed it.

Okay, Dad, um, I love you, and, um, yeah, I... I miss you.

Stop talking to me.

But I'm not talking to you.

I'm... I'm talking to you like you were in heaven. You stop talking to me.

Well, whatever you're doing, it's... it's not good.

It takes everybody out of this.

You don't think that you sitting there is taking people out of this?

May I continue?

Well, it depends on what you're gonna say. I mean, obviously, you didn't come here very prepared.

Okay. Okay.

Great.

Next!

♪ And it seems to me ♪
♪ You lived your life ♪
♪ Like a candle in the wind ♪
♪ Never knowing who to cling to ♪
♪ When the rain set in ♪

(snores) Samantha: ♪ And I would have liked ♪
♪ To have known you ♪

(clears throat)

♪ But I was just a kid ♪
Ooh...
♪ Your candle burned out ♪
♪ Long before ♪
♪ Your legend ever did. ♪

What can I say about this man that I have cherished for 49 years?

I just love him.

I'm sorry.

Easy on the waterworks, Joanie.

They get it, honey.

No.

This is real, you son of a bitch.

I mean, not this, not this. But that?

That's real. And someday I'm gonna be standing up here, and you're not gonna be saying "Easy on the waterworks," are you?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's just so ridiculous, this whole thing!

Jerky idea. Jerk!

(murmuring)

(tooting)

No. It's clear we are not doing that.

Ow.

Heather: Mom, are you okay? You guys all right?

Hey, uh, I'd like to apologize.

This was a terrible idea.

You kept asking why don't more people do this.

This is why.

I don't want to die.

Who said anything about you dying?

Everyone. Were you not listening?

Look, what you kids don't get is life is about these moments, these pieces of time, these slices of life that flash by, but they stay in your heart forever.

But I'm running out of moments.

How many more do I get?

Oh, honey. No.

We still have plenty of time left.

70 is the new 80.

You mean the new 60.

Whatever. The point is that we still have many wonderful years left.

Oh.

Mmm.

(sniffles) I just hope I die before you so I don't have to go through this again.

Psst! Psst! Hey, Joanie.

(gasps) Oh! What are you doing in there?!

I just wanted to see what it feels like.

You're sick! Get out of there.

Oh, it feels really good on my back.

Hey, and there's room in here for you, too. (chuckles)

Is there?

Yeah.

Turn on your side.

(chuckles)

Oh! Oh, honey. (knocking)

Hey!

Oh.

Johnny?

Hey, there's no air in here!

It's just jammed!

Oh, help! Help!

Joanie, what are you waiting for? Lift the damn lid.

Go!

Dad, shut up or you're gonna run out of air!

What is going on?

Their tools weren't working, so we got to roll him to the Jiffy Lube across the street.

John: I don't like this. I don't like it in here.

Hey, watch the corner.

Joan: Hurry, before there' a dead body in this casket!