01x03 - Sleepy Email Brunch Tree

(Lark crying over speaker)

(crying continues)

Oh don't open your eyes.

Please don't open your eyes.

(crying loudly)

Oh, no.

(groans)

(loud crying continues)

(loud crying continues)

(snoring)

Oh!

Your turn.

No, it was my turn last time.

Yeah, you're right.

(loud crying continues over speaker)

(sighs) We'll both go.

Meet me in the bottle with the nursery.

I mean, meet me in the nursery with the bottle.

(loud crying continues)

Is she up?

(sniffs)

This is sausage.

(timer ticking)

Honey.

That's me. I'm honey. (sniffs)

Jen: You forget the bottle?

No.

Honey, this is the last diaper, and I could've sworn I bought more yesterday, but then... or maybe did I dream that I bought more?

I was voted Most Outgoing at Burning Man, and now I'm dreaming about buying diapers.

Hey, will you be my best friend and go get some more?

Now?

Yeah. It's your turn. I went last time.

Why are you keeping score?

And I went last time...

I know, I wrote it down.

Are those my pajama shorts?

What were they doing in my drawer?

No, it's fine. I...

I mean, they... they look better on you anyway.

You should just... you should keep them.

Don't cry.

Don't cry. I can't have both of you cry right now.

No, no, no, no. Don't cry. Baby, don't cry.

Am I crying right now?

No, no, baby, no cry, okay?

Daddy gonna go into the minimart, alright?

Yeah, okay.

I'm gonna go into the minimart.

Here, take this bottle.

Will you get me a slushie?

What?

Will you get me a slushie?

A slushie? Yes.

Yes, I'll get you a slushie. Anything else?

Diapers, dude.

(Lark crying)

Diapers.

Diapers.

Diapers.

Diapers, okay.

I'm gonna give you your shorts back, I'm gonna go get diapers, I'm gonna go grab a slushie, I'm gonna make everything better, and I promise I am going to come back.

Why would you say that?

(Lark crying)

(tinny music playing)

How long have those hot dogs been there?

Oh, those aren't hot dogs.

After six hours in the machine, we have to call them Wizard Fingers.

I am so tired.

Did you say "Wizard Fingers"?

I did.

Wizard Fingers.

It's like when a grape becomes a raisin.

And after six more hours, we have to call 'em Meat Straws I'll take two.

? Back up, give me some elbow room ?
? Back up ?

(siren wails)

? Give me some elbow room ?
? Back up, give me some elbow room... ?
? Yo, the alpha, omega, the greatest comm... ?

Uh-oh.

(indistinct radio transmission)

Do you know how fast you were going?

I'm really sorry, Officer.

I'm in the middle of a diaper run.

I was probably going much faster than I-I should've been.

Fourteen.

14 what?

Miles an hour.

Wow.

Because it felt like I was flying.

License and registration?

Uh... uh, yeah. Um...

Are you, um, sure...

You know, maybe...

I don't know, I'm just sort of thinking here, but, uh, maybe there's some other way that you want to deal with this... situation?

Are you handing this to me or is this some kind of bribe?

I don't know.

Do you want it to be a bribe?

So, you have any kids?

Nope.

You want kids?

Nope.

You have any hobbies?

I like to organize people's closets on the weekends.

Okay.

Follow my finger with your eyes.

Don't move your head.

Don't move my head?

I gotta be honest, as soon you said that, I really want to move my head.

Don't.

I think I have to move my head.

Don't do it.

I'm gonna do it.

Don't do it.

I'm gonna move my head.

Negatory.

I'm gonna move it right now.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

(warbling)

Okay.

I told you not to do it.

I'm sorry.

Is there something else I can do?

Yeah.

(blowing)

(beeps)

(breathless): Ha! Check that!

Check that.

Check that!

(coughs)

I'm gonna have to take you down to the station.

What?

No. No. No, no, no, no.

There is no way that I failed that.

I know you're on something.

I'm on two hours sleep and one and a half meat raisins, okay? Look.

I am begging you, all right?

I live just right around the corner.

Please let me just get these diapers to my wife and then... whatever you want. Whatever you want.

There are no diapers in the car, hot legs.

No.

I got sidetracked by the wizard and I left it at the store.

Wizard?

Should I just go back to the car? Okay.

You forgot the diapers and you're being arrested?

Well, technically not arrested.

I'm just being brought in for a urine test.

I cannot believe you are getting a night away.

It...

I'm going to jail.

This is not a night away.

You know, you always get the breaks.

When it's your turn to watch her, she sleeps.

When it's your turn to feed her, she doesn't throw up in your mouth.

When it's your turn to go on a diaper run, you get arrested.

When's it my turn?

When's it... when... when's it Mommy's turn to catch a break, Greg?

Greg?

(snoring softly)

Oh, my God, did you just fall asleep?

Greg!

(Lark crying)

Greg!

And now you woke the baby.

(Lark continues crying)

(tinny music playing)

And, uh, I'll take four of those Wizard Fingers.

You want one more? Make it a fist?

Fist me.

Okay.

Alright.

Hey, babe, have you seen my Motley Crue T-shirt?

You know, the one that used to scare Samantha when she was little?

Okay, honey, not now.

Karen Jackson is in charge of the school fair and I have to get this e-mail to her within ten minutes or I'll be stuck at the petting zoo again, getting my crotch sniffed by every barnyard animal.

There's a lot more humping going on there than you'd expect. That goat would take a run at anything.

Mom, I'm hungry. Can you make me a peanut butter and jelly?

Tim, honey, can you make her a sandwich, please?

No. Daddy doesn't make them right.

How do you make a peanut butter and jelly wrong?

You leave the crust on like I'm some kind of animal.

You know, it's not too late to return you.

Okay, you know what, I'll make you one later. Just have an apple.

Fine. But you know an apple is the lazy mother's snack.

Mom, can you sign this permission slip?

It's for an overnight trip to Joshua Tree.

Who's chaperoning?

Kylie's mom.

Uh, no.

Is it because she did p0rn?

It wasn't, but it is now.

Kylie's mom needs help? I'll help Kylie's mom.

You know what, we're-we're good.

I'll-I'll text your teacher and see who else is chaperoning.

Hey, Mom, uh, can I borrow the car?

Gabe and I are gonna go see a movie.

Which movie?

Does it matter?

I'm 17. I can see what I want.

It's Minions.

If you can find the keys, you can take the car.

Okay, uh...

"Tina's mom is also chaperoning."

Who the hell is Tina?

You know, dark hair, has glasses, good at archery...

Mmm...

Wheelchair.

Oh, Tina.

The one with great arms.

Yes, I will sign this for you.

Is there a general area it might be?

'Cause this is just tampons and mouthwash.

Sweety, I don't know, I gotta get this e-mail out.

(sighs dramatically)

Good luck.

Why was my Crue shirt in the Goodwill bag?

I... I don't know, honey, I mean, I-I guess I must have put it in there accidentally.

(laughing): Oh! All right.

I'm gonna check and make sure you didn't accidentally throw out anything else valuable.

They're retiring, you know.

They're not going to be a band anymore.

Home sweet home, my ass.

I'm still hungry.

The apple just made it worse.

(doorbell rings)

Who is that? We don't have any friends.

Hi, I was wondering if you and your family had five minutes to talk about the danger of factory farms.

I'm really busy.

It'll just take five minutes.

Could you stretch that out to ten?

Oh, I got a whole hour of material.

Come on in, sister, let's go.

Really?

This never happens.

Heather: Okay, for the next ten minutes you three are going to sit here quietly and listen to...

Kalliope.

Kalliope.

Did you... did you choose that name?

Yes, I got to, on my 18th birthday, so...

That's lovely.

I am going to go send one e-mail. Okay?

The only reason that you have permission to call my name is if one of you is bleeding.

Okay?

I'm talking... a lot of blood.

I-I'm talking like... it will affect the resale of this You understand? Look at me.

You understand? Okay.

Kalliope... you go ahead.

Kalliope: So... speaking of bleeding, have you guys ever lived in a cage where you can't turn around?

I once got trapped in a Murphy bed.

I share a Murphy bed with a guy named Kevin.

He's a homeless youth.

"And while I will miss the friendly farm animals, I feel that, this year, my time would best be spent bringing plastic forks."

Send.

(computer beeps)

"Error: network not found"?

Tim, Tim, why, why is the network not found?

Tim: Maybe you gave it to Goodwill!

Oh! I-I'm walking over to Mom and Dad's.

Seriously, Heather?

My Capri pants?

I got these in Germany!

Heather: Mom?

Mom?

I need your Wi-Fi password.

Honey, I have to finish this book before the book club gets here.

No, I-I have two minutes to send this e-mail.

I just need the Wi-Fi code.

John, what the password to the computer?

Yeah, the "wiffy"?

Seven.

Dad, it's not seven.

No, I believe it's seven.

What'd you do with those macadamia nuts?

Honey, they're for the book club.

Why only for the book club?

Well, they're very expensive nuts.

Mom, we're out of macadamia nuts.

No!

Those are very expensive.

Sophia: Mom-Mom!

Can you make me a vegan snack?

Vegan?

We're vegan now.

John: Well, you know what vegan is?

No more grilled cheese.

Okay, I'm not a vegan.

Mom-Mom, can I have a grilled cheese?

Grilled cheese does sound really good right now.

Mom-Mom making her famous grilled cheese?

No, there's no bread left.

I had, like, nine pieces of toast for breakfast.

And, you know, the macadamia nuts.

Damn it, Matt.

Mom-Mom, can I borrow the car?

Too late. Matt ate it.

Matt: No, actually, I left it at a bar last night.

At least, I think that was a bar.

You went to a bar last night?

Come on. Come on, come on, come on, give me something.

Come on, come on, come on, connect, connect, connect...

(computer dings)

Oh.What do you know? It is seven.

Hey, you just got a text from Karen Jackson.

"Petting zoo.

Oh, no!

No! Why?

I was so close. I did everything right.

It's all right. I wrote back, "New phone, who dis?"

So, technically, she hasn't assigned you anything.

Go ahead. Send your e-mail.

I am gonna rip those Capri pants right off of your body, because you are my new hero.

Well, why don't you remember that next time you want to put something I love in the Goodwill?

You're right.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Every rose has its thorn.


Hey, welcome aboard, Colleen!

You know, we just throw our keys in a bowl and let fate decide.

Oh, man. Okay.

All right. They got us sitting in the middle.

You sure you don't want to run?

Okay, no, I'm cool. I got this.

Okay. I, uh, I used to do pageants.

I got this, smile big and tighten my ass.

Nice.

Mm-hmm, tell me what I need to know.

Okay.

Uh, winning over Mom and Dad is the only thing that matters.

Okay.

Now, if you start to panic, just ask my brother Greg or his wife Jen about their baby.

They will talk for 45 minutes.

Heather and Tim are gonna be easy, okay, because they need couples friends.

Tim tends to scare people off by making bad swinger jokes.

Ooh. And the kids?

The kids are great, but they're a little bit like coyotes.

You know, you see one and it's cute, but suddenly there's three of them and you realize that they've come down out of the hills for food.

Okay.

Yeah.

You and me, let's do this.

All right. You ready?

I am.

Here we go.

Matt: Hey, everybody!

Oh, this is such a nice place!

I've been bringing the family here for years.

Like our second home.

Hey, welcome aboard, Colleen!

You know, we just throw our keys in a bowl and let fate decide.

There it is.

Daddy, can I put my key in the bowl?

No, sweetie.

You can't even drive yet.

Can I start anybody off with a cocktail?

Oh. I'll take the usual.

A-A beer?

(laughs)

A-Ahh, I got these inside jokes with all of 'em.

I don't... I don't know what you...

Colleen, it is just so lovely to have you here.

It's really... it's just so lovely.

Oh.

It really is.

Colleen: Thank you.

Joan: We feel very lucky.

My mom went over the top on you.

You don't understand. T-That's huge.

Her skin was so soft.

I wish I had slippers made out of her.

Okay, nice job on the over the top.

Matt: Right?

Mean, she hasn't done that since she met Springsteen.

Well, it wasn't really Springsteen.

It turned out to be a lesbian in a denim jacket, but she was still really excited.

Joan: I hear you Jen but, I just don't think you can say you've read a book if you've only listened to the audio version.

I agree with...

Uh!

Don't ever get in the middle of an argument between Jen and Mom that starts with "I hear you"

The subtext is always "I'm the one who loves Greg more."

Okay.

You're good. You're not that hungry.

Do you want fruit?

Sure.

Aw, just stop joking around, will you?

(laughs weakly)

I don't...

La famille Short, bonjour, tout le monde.

Bonjour.

Ça va? Everything is good?

Everything's wonderful.

Tout est merveilleux.

J'aime particulièrement les pâtisseries.

Ooh, listen to her!

Tu parles français et tu es ravissante.

Merci, mais ton omelette est bien meilleure.

She's still going!

Mangez, tout le monde.

(sighs happily)

You're doing great. I have never seen them be this nice to anybody, and Greg dated this girl that was, like, 75% birthmark.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, my...

Keep it up.

Okay.

Hi.

You want to hear a joke?

Okay.

What's brown and sticky?

I have no idea.

A stick.

Sophia, don't weird her out.

Oh, no, it's fine.

Just think of me like a friend.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Like a friend that might buy something for another friend that he can't buy himself?

Um...

That's not cool, Tyler.

Oh.

Can you buy me a thong?

Oh!

There's my Mai Tai!

Mai Tai.

(laughs weakly)

You guys, I just have to say, you have made me feel so welcome.

Thank you.

Oh...

If you want to come back to our place, we're bubbling up some fondue.

Never gets old.

Oh, honey.

I like you, Colleen.

You're so much more pleasant than Matt's first wife.

(family groaning)

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, she was just the worst.

Your first wife?

Ah, man, I've had such a good time today.

(laughs)

(screams) Oh, my God! Oh, my...

TV commentator: The extra point makes it 28 to nothing... Patriots.

St. Louis looks traumatized.

No!

Is it possible to turn the sofa to face the television?

Oh, no, there's an outlet there we haven't babyproofed yet.

I don't want to watch the Rams lose out of my peripheral vision.

You can just move your head, Dad.

You could just move your couch.

Hey, babe.

Tree guy's coming on Tuesday.

Shh.

Your mother does realize this is our house, right?

Tree guy?

Yeah, what's wrong with your tree?

Oh, bark beetles. You gotta chop 'em down.

Yeah.

Oh no.

And you called "a tree guy"?

No, I texted him.

First of all, a tree is not cut, it's felled.

A-and you don't just text a guy.

I gave you that Sawzall for your birthday. Go get it.

Oh, um, yeah.

We exchanged that, um, for that espresso machine.

Well, not that expresso machine.

That... that's a new one.

It came with a remote control.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, but we lost it.

Oh...

"We."

I haven't been this disappointed since you wanted that magician doll last Christmas.

It's a Darth Vader action figure.

It had a cape and a magic wand and...

It's a lightsaber, Dad.

Hey.

Hey, Dad.

Hi... John.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

We brought da beers!

Shut up!

Oh, the Rams are losing, huh?

Raised boys... who can't... do anything.

(commentator speaking indistinctly on television)

(sniffs)

Can't believe I've never tried espresso before.

It smells so good. It's rich and foamy.

You just have the one bathroom, right?

Yeah.

Matt: Should we go help Dad or should we have another espresso?

If I can find the remote, we can do both.

Tim: Heather, could you come here, please?

This used to be a do-it-yourself country.

Generation App.

That's what you boys are.

Hey, you want to see an app?

Here's an app.

You use it when you can't find your nuts.

Ow!

John: Yeah!

How'd that feel?

It hurt.

So do tattoos, but you've still got that stupid dolphin on your hip.

Most intelligent creatures of the sea.

There you go, Flipper.

Oh...

Jen: You want me to take Lark?

No.

They made a first down since I've been holding her.

You've been holding her for an hour.

Boy, that was...

Just over nine minutes to go...

Ah!

Ah...

Hey, hey, hey, man.

L-Let me rock that.

Yeah, get in on that.

Aah!

Whoa!

Yeah!

Oh, hell yes.

Thought I broke it.

Hey, guys, I have to run home and get Tim a clean pair of pants.

(phone buzzes)

So if you...

And shoes.

Um...

Anybody need anything?

Oh, I-I got a chain saw in my shed.

Yeah! Yeah, chain saw!

Okay. And, uh, is it okay with you if Tim uses your shower?

'Cause he's already in it, so... just... thank you.

Okay.

All right, boys, let's do this.

("Holding Out for a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler begins)

? Where have all the good men gone ?
? And where are all the gods? ?
? Where's the streetwise Hercules ?
? To fight the rising odds? ?
? Racing on the thunder ?
? And rising with the heat ?
? It's gonna take a superman ?
? To sweep me off my feet ?
? I need a hero ?
? I'm holding out for a hero ?
? Till the end of the night ?
? He's got to be strong ?
? And he's got to be fast ?
? And he's got to be fresh from the fight ?
? I need a hero ?
? I'm holding out for a hero ?
? Till the morning light ?
? He's got to be sure ?
? And it's got to be soon ?
? And he's got to be larger than life ?
? I need a hero ?
? I'm holding out for a hero ?
? Till the morning light ?
? He's got to be sure ?
? And it's got to be soon ?
? And he's got to be larger than life ?
? I need a hero. ?

I would've helped you guys, but I had to save these hands.

Got a bunch of surgeries this week.

Also, full disclosure... had some tummy trouble today, so...

John: Yeah, well, good work out there today, boys.

Feels good to do something yourself, doesn't it?

Hey, uh, meatball me.

Yeah.

I-It did feel good.

I mean, you know I feel just terrible, but it felt good.

Well, you boys left it all out there on the field.

Honey, you got a little something there.

John: Yep.

Me and my boys.

Heather, too.

She-she's here.

I gotta admit, that was fun.

I've never chopped down a tree before.

You still haven't.

Tree guy's coming on Tuesday. And your chiropractor appointment is for Wednesday.