01x06 - Ponzi Sℯx Paris Bounce

Naked cooking is really the best way to start a weekend.

Mm. Your parents leaving town is the best way to start the weekend.

Mm.

Oh, babe, no, Princess will eat that for his dinner.

Oh.

Princess! Come on! Time for dinner!

(kisses) Come on!

Oh, he's probably in there humping that therapy doll in my mom's office again.

Princess?

Princess?

Oh... Oh, my God.

Wow.

Oh, my God!

Oh, look at this. Look at this.

"I want a better life, away from you and you're stupid boyfriend. Love, Princess."

I'm stupid? He used the wrong "your"

Okay.

And, you know, right, right.

I'm calling the cops.

No, don't do that.

Oh, my God!

Hey!

Chad?!

Oh. Here he is! I found him!

(chuckles): I'm a hero!

Chad, what are you doing here?

I was... coming to get my dog back.

Then why is the room destroyed?

Because... we had a very happy reunion.

All right? We engaged in some roughhousing, and we have a very physical relationship.

Chad, you're supposed to be... oh, my God, I just realized that we're still naked.

Yep. Uh, air just kicked on.

I got the same draft.

Mm-hmm.

(sighs): All right, Chad... what the hell's going on?

I know you guys are upset, and I shouldn't have broken that window when the door was open, or tried on your dad's hats...

Okay, how long were you here?

Shh!

Do I interrupt you?

Do I break into your house and interrupt you?

Yes!

I came here to pick up Princess, because I've turned my life around.

It's like that movie The Notebook if what happens is a guy goes back to get his dog after turning his life around.

(both) Well, that's not what happens. Not what happens.

I never saw it. And yes, I will take you up on that water, Matt.

I didn't offer you a water, Chad.

You're gonna want to.

Because I'm about to change your lives.

Think about all the time you spend washing and cleaning your clothes.

But... how much time do you spend on the thing you wear most?

Your skin clothes.

What's happening?

I don't know.

It's the thing you're wrapped up in that says hello before you do.

Behold.

My cream.

But... he's selling skin products?

Yeah, I hate to say it, but his skin does look really great.

Did you see his pores?

No.

Yeah, neither did I.

No, but he's supposed to be in prison right now, not starting an exciting and flexible new career.

I know.

And we're supposed to be having a romantic weekend.

What do we do?

We got to call the cops.

Mm...

Okay, you're right, you're right.

I will call the cops.

Okay.

Keep him here. keep him talking.

Right.

Okay. Active ingredient in the restorative cream is oxygen.

Fun fact: you can breathe this stuff.

No, you can't.

Yeah. I once kept a goldfish in there for seven minutes.

What?

Yeah.

Now, I can sell this to you for retail, but... if you become a representative, I can get it to you wholesale price.

How would you like to be your own boss, Matt?

Oh, so this is a pyramid scheme?

No. It's a legitimate business.

No, but it's actually called Ponzi.

Chad: It's pronounced "Pone-zee."

And the bottles are actually pyramids.

It's upside down.

Okay, you broke it, you got to buy it, so...

I'll take it out of your first month's supply.

No, no, he doesn't have a weapon, but he's supposed to be in prison.

You have to come get him.

What's he doing right now? (laughs)

He's selling my boyfriend face cream.

(quietly): Not a priority? He's a fugitive!

Tax evasion.

(groans) Oh, great.

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Well?

Cops are coming Monday.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Okay, we're gonna have to get him out of here ourselves.

What are we gonna do?

Just follow my lead.

Okay.

I think you guys should try this exfoliating scrub.

It's like Pop Rocks for your face.

And fun fact: it's Pop Rocks.

Hey, Chad, fun fact: we called the cops.

You got about five minutes before they show up, arrest you and take you back to jail.

You ratted me out?!

Yeah. You better get going.

Yes.

(panting softly)

And after I offered you a chance to make millions of dollars in the comfort of your own home.

Ticktock.

Oh, I was a mortgage broker.

(pants) I had a fiancée.

You.

Me.

I had a purebred poodle mix.

And now I'm on the run.

I'm squatting in a house that I sold to a woman who's too old to use the stairs.

If I have to hear her open the door and say, "Is someone down there?" one more time, I'm gonna lose it!

Mm.

I just want my life back.

(panting)

I want us back.

Oh, no.

Uh, uh, that's just not...

(muttering) I'm... I'm...

I'm hugging everybody.

Okay, that's great, but look, you're running out of time here, Chad.

Okay.

Look, I'm really sorry that all of this has happened, but on some sort of level you had to know that this day was gonna come, right?

Yeah. But I thought success in my own skin care line was going to fix the complexion of our relationship.

Now I see the only way to turn things around for us is to accept the consequences of my actions.

Great.

So I'm gonna let the cops come and get me. I'm ready.

(Chad sighs heavily)

I'm ready.

Uh... yeah.

They're not coming.

(groans)

They're not coming?

No.

No.

You lied to me.

Apparently, you don't pose a threat.

(smacks lips) I can't even get arrested up in here.

I mean, we're trying, you know.

We know. We know.

Okay, here's an idea.

Great.

Call ten of your friends, ask them if they care about skin health.

If the answer is yes, have them call ten of their friends.

Hear me out.

Or we could just drive you to prison.

Again.

You can pick the music this time.

Not even Jack Johnson's gonna break me out of this funk.

(Matt sighs heavily)

You know, I really got to give it to Chad.

He's a good salesman.

Another ten minutes in that car ride to prison, I would've bought his entire line of lotions.

Now he can use them as a dowry for his prison wife.

You kidding me? With those cheekbones he's gonna be the prison wife.

(laughs softly)

Where were we? Naked cooking.

(door opens) Can we skip the cooking part?

Yeah.

(door closes) Yeah?

Ha-ha-ha! I'm free!

You got to be kidding me.

Due to... prison overcrowding, I was processed and immediately released.

The system works.

No.

Classic reaction.

All right, let's watch some movies, huh?

Movie night. We can watch Shawshank.

I can tell you guys all the things that are real and... what's just Morgan Freeman chewing up scenery.

(chuckles)

So am I gonna get one of these glasses of wine, huh?

Eh... yeah, there we go.

Everything looks good.

You guys are free to resume all normal activities.

All right, back in business, bro.

Yeah.

You may find it more comfortable with this.

Just be aware that it might feel a little different than it did before.

Uh, d-different? Like how?

Well, whereas before it may have felt like the firm handshake of a closed business deal, now it may feel more like the mandatory handshake of an eight-year-old at his parents' dinner party.

Wow.

All right. Green light, green light.

Baby... crib, you... bedroom.

Come on, people, let's do this.

The runway is clear and the fog has lifted.

I've not asked much of you during your short, brief life, but today, I'm begging you, please go to sleep.

Okay. Oh.

Oh, hello.

Wow.

Okay, yeah. That's good.

It's very casual, very relaxed.

Hey, uh, honey.

Let's turn the lights off, like, just in case it looks like something exploded down there.

Yeah, uh, well, speaking of exploded, I'm sorry if this is going to go quick.

It's just been a while since I've done it.

With another person, you mean.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Will you get the stuff that... the doctor gave me, okay?

Oh, yeah.

And really overdo it, you know.

Think like a hair gel at a bar mitzvah.

Okay.

All right.

You got it?

Yeah.

Really doing it. Okay, okay.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Hi.

(laughs): Hi.

(moaning)

Feels like I'm on fire down there.

Yeah, me, too.

(laughs)

(moaning)

Oh, no, it's like... like my genitals are-are actually burning.

Yeah, mine, too. (grunts)

What?

This is hand sanitizer.

Oh, it burns!

Oh, my God.

(Jen yells, Greg grunts)

(water running) There's steam coming off of it.

Jen: Oh, it looks like morning on a golf course.

Greg: Oh, come on, honey, get off the sink...

Jen: I will not get off the sink!

Oh, that's my side!

Okay, fine...

(yells)

Yeah, no, we checked online.

We're just wondering if there's anything medically we can do to speed this along?

Relax, it'll go away in a couple hours.

Oh, that's not what I wanted to hear.

You have what we in the medical profession refer to as "cleanis."

Oh, that is charming.

Okay, well, thank you.

Um, and, let's, obviously, let's keep this, um, between ourselves, huh?

Of course.

Heather, get down here!

You're not gonna believe this!

All right, you sure you want to try this again?

Yeah, we just gotta get right back on the horse.

Okay, but now you just said horse, and that's a lot to live up to.

Let's go. Okay.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

(Greg moaning)

(Lark crying)

(crying continues)

No, no, no. You know what, we're doing this.

Yeah, babies cry. Babies cry all the time.

It's not the end of the world.

No.

And, like, what would they do in France?

We'd be doing it while you give birth.

(crying continues)

Touché.

(crying stops)

Go. Go. Go. Go.

We got to go. Go, go, go.

Oh, God. Oh, God, Lark?

I'm sorry we ignored you.

She's asleep, she's alive, and I brought these.

Thank you.

So, listen, no pressure, but we have to do this now or our marriage is dead.

Oh, we have to do this now or my entire body is going to turn blue.

(clinks)

Well, okay.

Okay.

All right.

Come on, Blue Man Group, let's do this.

Oh. Ooh.

Oh, that's quite the handshake... you've got there.

(whispers): Wrong hand.

It's good. I'm good. It's good.

Yeah, close your eyes a little.

No, I think it's good. (coughs)

Okay, you know, I mean, the bruising I totally expected, but, come on, a yeast infection?

Nobody warned me that white-water rafting would be so punishing on my little pita pocket.

It's good. I'm good. It's good.

You... are all set, girl.

(both laugh)

I'm ready to be in a Whitesnake video.

Oh, wow, look.

Yes, well, hi.

It's good, right? You're next, girl.

Have a seat, I'm going to go mix up your color.

I'm gonna sneak a couple drags off my e-cig.

Why... why is it so big?

Well, maybe it'll rain on the way home and bring it down.

It's not what I asked for, again.

Did she understand what you wanted?

I cut 12 pictures of Heidi Klum out of magazines for her.

Like I have nothing better to do.

Okay.

Like I'm Seal.

Well, you say something to her, that's all.

Lynette, Heather has something she'd like to say to you.

We're moving.

Huh?

To Paris... next week.

Oh, my God, I don't believe it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Girl, I am going to miss you.

Oh, yeah. Me, too.

(mouthing)

Oh, oh, my God.

And you must be so sad.

Oh, it did kind of come out of nowhere.

Mm-hmm, y-yeah.

Nowhere.

Oh, I've wanted to do that for so long.

I feel so free.

You know, this could just be the hair talking, but I want to get day-drunk.

Why did you lie?

Why didn't you just stop going?

This is just better for everybody.

Not for me.

Now every time I go get my hair done, I have to lie.

And people always know I'm lying because eventually I say I'm lying.

Mom, it'll be fine. You know what this is like?

It's just like that time you broke up with Mark Pauley for me.

That was not fine.

He climbed up our tree.

We had to call the fire department.

You know what I think this is about?

I think this is about you being jealous because you want to break up with Lynette, too.

I do.

Yeah.

I really do.

I've wanted to for years but I've buried it.

Let it out.

Why is she always e-mailing me pictures of cats?

You don't need that.

She's cut my hair in exactly the same way for years.

Yes, she has, and we are sick of it.

And why does she always call me "girl"?

You know what, tell her that you are going to prison for murder.

Tell her you're going to prison for murder.

That way she won't question you.

No, I'm not going to lie.

I'm a therapist.

I'm a grown-ass woman.

Sophia: Okay.

Now we're at the part where I call you girl

Oh. and you hate your haircut.

Lynette, um, I need to talk to you.

Uh, this isn't easy.

But I've given it a lot of thought and I really think I need a new hairstylist.

(gasp) How could you?!

I'm very upset.

I hope you get lice and die.

You don't think she'll say that, do you?

I hope not, Mom-Mom.

I just want you to be ready for the worst.

I'm home.

Joan: Mom's home.

Hi, Mom.

Is it Mom, or is it the brunette, six months younger Heidi Klum?

Joan: Oh, Heather.

It's gorgeous.

I went to Jen's place and it was amazing.

There were all these chic lesbians there dressed in black with tattoos and music I've never heard of.

Oh, it sounds so lovely.

I didn't know how good it could be.

You can, too, Mom.

Come on in, the water's warm.

Can I keep this?

Lynette: No, you think that happens at, like, any other dojo or just mine?

Well, unfortunately, I don't know a lot about ringworm.

Oh, I'll tell you something, girl, that cream is expensive.

Yeah.

I mean, even if you get it from a vet.

Lynette, I-I really need to talk to you about something.

If-if you don't mind.

Mm-hmm. Oh, hang on. (phone buzzing)

(gasps) It's my boyfriend.

Sorry, he's, like, tried me three times.

Let me just take this?

Sure.

Okay.

You can do this. You can do this.

Do you want to look like an '80s broadcaster for the rest of your life?

Lynette... he broke up with me.

What?

How come everyone I love... always leaves me?

Oh, for Pete's sake.

What?

I said, I-I'm so sorry, and I know you'd like to process this privately, so...

No, no, no. No, I have, um...

I look fine. I'm just gonna go.

I have, um, some white wine in my purse.

And we could just put it over ice. Hug.

Oh...

I'm here for you.

Girl.

My mom lets me watch R movies.

Yeah, but have you seen Alien?

Both: No.

(Tim roars)

(inhales and blows raspberries repeatedly)

Just a couple more breaths, I'll have it all blown up.

Dad, you're such a dork.

Thank you.

You're my favorite dad.

Ah, I'm your only dad.

Hey, Sam, happy birthday!

Hey!

Happy birthday!

How are you?

Great. How are you?

Tim: Hey, girls!

Who's ready to jumpty jump?!

Oh, man. A bounce house?

What is this, baby's first party?

Yeah... Yeah, Dad, I'm not five!

Come on.

Let's go inside.

Tim: I don't understand what happened.

I mean, she asked for a bounce house.

Honey, she's 13. 13 is the state line between adorable and intolerable.

One minute, she's my perfect little angel, and the next minute, she's like this sea beast with three mouths stacked inside each other.

Yeah, well, I hate to tell you, she's gonna be a sea beast till she's about 23, then you have a couple good years.

She'll go back to sea beast.

Then, after that, it just rotates, depending on nothing.

But Tyler was never a sea beast.

No, because...

Tyler takes 40-minute showers.

Ah.

His puberty is single-handedly responsible for the drought.

Ah.

You know, she's becoming... a young woman.

She-she has new friends and new feelings, and she just wants to be treated like an adult.

So, we just talk about interest rates and how bad our knees hurt?

No, you talk about nothing.

You just try to avoid eye contact and stay out of her way.

Treat her like my mom. Got it.

Hey, girls, pizza's here.

Hey, so, should I serve them, or are they gonna serve themselves?

I mean, how does this work?

(loud, overlapping chatter)

Heather?

Oh, she is good at this.

Hello, ladies.

You partying or what?

Dad, are you gonna eat with us?

No.

I can find someplace else to eat.

(exhales loudly)

(movie music plays)

Kylie: This is so fake.

In real life, you have to turn your head to the side, and open your mouth only a little. That way the boy still has to work to get it all the way open.

I like scary movies.

PG is for babies.

Tim: You guys like scary movies,huh?

I got a good one for you, but it's rated R.

Really?

My mom lets me watch R movies.

Yeah, but have you seen Alien?

What, is that like E.T.?

Yeah, if E.T. went... (roars)

(overlapping chatter)

"And the cow vowed to always eat clover, no matter how many leaves it had"

(man grunting on TV)

(yelling)

"And the happy cow felt especially happy.."

(rustling on TV, girls gasp)

Oh, God.

(girls screaming)

(screaming continues)

"... knowing that he had done right by his calves.

The end."

Daddy, why couldn't I watch the movie, too?

Because you, my dear, are still a kid, and we want you to stay that way forever.

Sweet dreams.

Okay. Night, night then.

Night, Daddy.

(shower running)

Tyler, need you out here, buddy!

Could really use some masculine energy in the house.

Dude, there's a drought!

(indistinct, overlapping chatter)

Look at that! She cannot unsee that!

I am so sorry. I swear when I left, it was... it was a housekeeper becoming a princess.

Does that look like a princess to you?!

Technically, its mother is the queen, so...

Don't go, please.

Hey, what's going on?

Don't touch me! You've ruined everything!

Hey! What were you thinking?

Well, you said, treat them like adults!

I was just trying to do something cool.

I said, no eye contact.

I said, "Stay out of her way."

Would have been easier raising you.

Dude, seriously? It's been 30 minutes.

I could really use a friend out here.

My pizza in there?

Can I come in?

Thought you were mad at me. What changed your mind?

Kylie called you a dork.

I am a dork.

I know, but she can't say that.

Only I can say it.

Sorry I screwed up your party.

Just having a hard time understanding the women in my life, you know.

First five years I lived with your mom, all I did was apologize.

You're still apologizing.

I'm sorry.

(laughs)

So am I.

I actually thought the movie was really cool.

You did?

Yeah.

That part where the alien rips out the guy's stomach?

Kylie almost threw up in her purse.

(laughs) First time I saw that, I spilled my drink all over my fanny pack.

(laughs)

Can we bounce for a little bit?

We can bounce for as long as you like.

Hey, you ever hear of The Shining?

No.

Well, imagine every time you turn a corner, there's two Sophias standing there.

Terrifying. One, two, three.