01x08 - Godparent Maze Mexican Farts

Do we really need all this? I mean, we're trying to find a godparent for Lark, not catch a serial killer.

Well, you know I always wanted to work in the FBI.

I just hate running in a suit.

Oh, is that the problem... that you have with running?

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, so, let's go over our options.

Jen: Okay, what about... my parents?

Gonna have to veto.

Guardians shouldn't live off the grid and drink rain out of a bucket.

Rainwater's the sweetest water.

What about my parents?

Yeah, I'm gonna veto that.

Um, therapists raise children who need therapists.

Well, she raised me.

And I see your point and I second your veto.

Uh... all right, Heather and Tim.

Interesting.

Oh, oh. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, go upstairs. Please put the khakis on.

Khakis? No way. It's Saturday. Saturday's my cutoffs day.

No, honey, Greg and Jen are coming over.

New parents don't just drop by unless it's the godparent conversation And godparents do not wear cutoffs .

All right, I'll put on my cutoff khakis.

No, no. No, no, no, no.

No. Full coverage khakis.

Like down to the ankle.

I can make 'em go to my ankle.

Okay, honey, p... I'm-I'm...

Really, this is important to me. Please. Love you!

It's just that, since we've had Lark, we've started to see the world differently, you know... through a parent's eyes.

And when we look at you, we just see such loving, giving parents who are always...

Mom?

We found these in the attic. Can we go play with them outside?

Yeah, sure.

They're such little self-starters.

And they play so well together.

Sophia: Give it to me!

Samantha: No, not until we get outside.

Sophia: I found them.

Were those rusty lawn darts?

Jen: 'Cause I feel like those are taken off the market, you know, because of issues with... because of issues like deadliness.

Oh. Don't worry, our kids have their tetanus shots.

Yeah, yeah. He's a doctor.

Oh, dang.

You know what? We got a thing.

Yeah.

No.

We got a thing.

No, you don't.

Um, yeah. No, and it's so crazy, 'cause the thing is, it's actually kind of a big, uh... big deal.

What-what thing?

It's a... it's a thing. It's just a big...

It's a big... it's a big deal thing. Big, big thing.

So, apologies. Mommy brain. Okay, we'll call you.

Bye!

Damn it.

(chuckles)

Had them on underneath the whole time.

And it's just that, since we've had Lark, it's really changed the way we look at the world.

Well, speaking of seeing the world, your mother and I are gonna take a cruise to that island where that science nerd went and studied birds.

We're going to the Galápagos, and we're going to walk in Darwin's footsteps.

She is.

I'm taking the tour where you get to shoot machine guns at the cutouts of the Bond villains.

Sounds sensible.

Yeah.

I know it's hard to believe when you're holding this little angel, but once your children leave, you rediscover the person that you fell in love with.

It's true. We're closer than ever.

Joan: Oh, let's go show them the matching bathing suits we bought for the trip.

John: Yeah.

Fashion show. Hey, Greg, get ready.

Put on some of that thump-thump music of yours, huh?

Thunk-a-thunk-a-thunk.

Okay. All right, well, we're-we're just gonna have to go outside of the family.

All right.

So, my gays or yours?

You know, let's do mine.

Yours are still "just roommates."

And it's just that, ever since we've had Lark, it's really changed the way that we look at the world.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm gonna stop you right there.

Is this a godparents request?

(chuckles) What gave it away?

(chuckles) The crudités?

Oh, Jenny, we can't. We're godparents to six other kids.

We can't take on any more until we see how many of our friends die.

Yeah.

And we already have a lot of hard partiers on that list.

Mm-hmm. If we got them all at once, we'd have to start a band.

(sports commentator speaking)

Here you go, darling.

Thank you.

(as the officials now bring out... )

What are we gonna do with you, Lark?

Hold still.

Okay. But, you know, to be fair, you have poked me in the eye twice already.

If I'm going to be a professional model, I have to practice.

Okay.

And Mom won't let me wear makeup.

You know, being a model's a very interesting job, but there are other good ones out there.

I know. I'm also thinking of being a movie star or a singer.

Oh, man.

I thought you were gonna say "senator." That would be awful.

Why?

Well, because then you'll be in charge of making all the rules and you'd have to run the country.

Hey, that sounds good.

Maybe I'll do that.

Oh, no, no.

You're gonna be way too busy modeling.

Don't tell me what to do.

I can be a senator if I want.

Okay. Well, you already got the bossy part down.

When we look at you, we see a person who is loving and kind and a person who would know what to say to a little girl if her mom and dad weren't there... (chuckles) and she was going to her first school dance and was wondering if anyone would dance with her.

So, I think before I start crying we wanna ask... will you be Lark's godparent?

Me?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

And if anything should happen, I promise I will love her just like she is my own and I will honor your memory with dignity.

(sniffles)

(chuckling, crying)

Aw.

Well, if that's what they were looking for, we never stood a chance.

I never noticed till right now how much you and Matt look alike.

Yeah.

_

(sports commentator speaking)

(And the ball is snapped... )

Heather: Oh.

Honey. Honey. Honey, listen, I left the turkey in the car overnight. Now it's spoiled.

I have to take it to my mom's.

She's gonna say that I ruined it, and I did.

But I don't want to look like I ruined it.

And I need you to go to the market and get me another turkey.

Babe, you got to slow down. I don't understand a word you're saying.

She said you're done watching football.

(And it's a few inches... )

Honey, the turkey needs to be at least 16 pounds.

And make sure there are no chemicals in it, unless it's the good kind of chemicals that make me seem like a better cook.

Honey, I wrote it all down.

I'm not a child.

What's wrong with being a child?

Nothing, honey, it's just that, you know, kids tend to forget things.

Do you have the car keys?

Damn it. Hey, tell you what, how about you run inside, get the car keys, and I'll time you.

How about I time you?

Fine.

Don't start counting till I pass the bumper.

One Mississippi, two Mississ... I'm just gonna tell him it was two minutes.

(cheering)

(marching band playing)

Aw, come on!

A Thanksgiving parade? Today?!

And every route to the grocery store is blocked.

Hey, there's a Mexican market right here.

It's where Pop-Pop gets his margarita salt.

Oh! Check out these cherry boots!

What are these for?

(speaking Spanish)

Huh?

(speaking Spanish)

(scatting)

Dancing shoes.

Oh.

(chuckling): Yeah.

That isn't on the list.

Well, we need something to carve the turkey.

Hola. How can I helping you?

Uh, yeah, I need turkey.

And enough candy to fill our jirafa piñata.

Aquí está.

Uh, no, no, a turkey.

Es un pavo chico.

He says it's a little turkey.

Oh.

Oh, Oh, oh. Are you okay?

(grunts)

He loses his balance a lot.

Well, you know, I'm a... I'm a doctor.

Uh, El doctor-o...

Médico.

Médico.

Yeah, ear, nose, and throat.

Ah.

Ah.

Little doctor.

Ay.

Beg to differ.

Okay, I think I see the problem here.

Sir, would you mind lying down on your back, please?

Tu espalda.

Uh-huh.

I'm going to do a procedure.

I'm going to roll your head, and it's gonna loosen the crystals in your ear canal.

You have, uh...

How do you say "vertigo"?

Vértigo.

Really?

Sí.

(chuckles) I speak Spanish.

Okay, rotate your head the other way.

Daddy, I like that you can help people.

Aw, thanks, sweetie. You know, you helped, too.

You translated. Ooh, don't touch that machete.

Yours is the little one.

Do you think that Mom will be mad that we didn't get a turkey?

You know, I think... I think she'll be proud of us because we helped somebody.

But maybe a little mad because we didn't get a turkey.

But mostly mad because we didn't get a turkey.

Young man: Señor!

I have something for you.

Please, come.

Un momento.

Thank you. For you, you saved my father.

Oh. No, really, thank you, but that's... it's not necessary.

Insto.

All right.

For you.

Hey. You're... Uh, Hi. Hi, what's on your feet?

Mexican dancing shoes.

Okay, please tell me that you got a turkey.

Yep!

Oh.

His name is Senator Gobbles.

He's gonna sleep up in my room.

Let's go, Senator Gobbles.

Come see your new room.

(gobbling)

Come on.

There's a turkey in my house.

I also got you a little turkey.

That's a chicken.

Pretty sure you're wrong about that.

Come on.

John: Oh, boy.

Hey there. Samantha excited to go to the Harvest Festival?

Well, she's not excited about anything right now... that's not a 13-year-old boy named Aiden.

But...

Mm-hmm? if you're looking for a sulking, pouting 13-year-old, well, Sam's your girl.

Hey, Pop-Pop.

Can't wait for the festival.

Let's go. I already changed the radio to FM.

Mm.

Seems fine to me.

Maybe you're the problem.

Hey, keep an eye on her.

Woman: You want to pet the goats?

Can we do the corn maze?

Oh, I don't know about that.

Um, you know, when I was a kid, I had a bad experience in a corn maze.

You know what PTSD is?

No.

Well, it's when your parents have so many kids, they forget they left one in the corn maze, and, uh, it's getting dark, and you wet your dungarees.

Dungarees?

Pants.

Actually need to go to the bathroom.

Okay.


(goat bleating)

What the... ?

Come on.

(laughs)

Oh, boy.

Excuse me. Uh, can I ask you a favor?

My granddaughter just went in there with a boy.

Uh, will you go in there and make her come out right now?

I mean, drag her out if you have to.

Are you asking me if I will approach a little white girl in a corn maze and drag her out?

Because I can tell you right now that's a bad idea.

Uh, yeah, that makes sense.

I love Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving's like Halloween's girlfriend.

So you're like my Thanksgiving.

(laughs)

(laughs)

It's just corn.

I love corn.

Corn is delicious.

Corn dogs, corn flakes.

Corn bread.

Uh, oh, uh... candy corn?

(laughs)

I won it by making a free throw.

Oh. (laughs)

That's good. (laughs)

I love vegetable candy.

I could always make another free throw.

Really?

Yeah, if you're still hungry.

Um, thanks.

(laughs)

You're looking for the end?

(gasps)

You're almost there.

But first beware... a few more...

Shut up!

Did you see a little girl go by here with a dorky kid?

All I see is birds and hay, come back and ask...

You're with me now! Come on.

Ow! I'm not supposed to leave my zone!

I'm losing my hay!

You're helping me find my granddaughter.

This is really fun. I'm glad we got to...

John: Sam?

Oh-oh.

Not cool.

Aiden: Uh, y-you know, my mom's waiting for me in the parking lot. I-I got to go.

Okay.

Well, I guess I know why you wanted to go to the Harvest Festival, huh?

I'm sorry, Pop-Pop.

I shouldn't have gone in the maze.

Boy, that must have been some kind of kiss, hmm?

The way you were smiling.

It was my first.

(laughs)

Huh?

Wow.

Well, it looks like your first corn maze experience was a lot better than mine, huh?

(both laugh)

That is unless you peed yourself.

I didn't, no.

Ah.

Didn't think so.

Are you going to tell Mom and Dad?

No, I think the lifelong memory of your grandfather interrupting your first kiss is punishment enough.

Huh?

Pop-Pop?

Hmm?

I don't know the way out.

Oh, that's okay.

Uh,... I can get us out.

I'm a pilot.

Help! Mayday!

Help!

Get us out of here!

Help!

Colleen: I was afraid this might happen.

What's that?

My cauliflower rice is delicious, but sometimes, it's a little more than some people can handle.

Mmm. Mmm.

Sticky.

Oh, sorry.

So, first Thanksgiving with the family.

Yeah.

How you feeling?

Uh, good, confident.

Not as confident as you to go with a peach cheek and a pink lip.

(both laughing) So, who's he?

Oh, that. That is Gary Timpkins.

He's our neighbor. He's the head of the H.O.A.

Apparently, me living in the garage is a violation of, like, 20 codes, so my parents decided to invite him to Thanksgiving to butter him up.

How did he find out?

Um, apparently, I fell asleep with the garage door open, and I mooned a school bus full of children.

(laughing): Oh.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hi, sweetie.

Hi.

Oh, honey, can you get the rest of that makeup off?

Yeah.

Because, you know, Mr. Timpkin' wife just died.

And you look uncomfortably similar to her.

Oh. Uh, you said not to bring anything, so I brought my famous cauliflower rice.

Thank you for not listening to me.

And don't go into my office, 'cause there's a live turkey in there.

Okay. What?

Is that normal?

It was given to Tim by a Mexican grocer with vertigo.

That's a lot of information.

Boy, this... cauliflower rice is just a knockout.

I'm so glad you go like it.

Is is my Grandma Tonita's recipe.

Oh.

My wife was a... was a great cook. She was a very formal woman. She always... always dressed for dinner.

(stomach growling)

She, uh... she recently passed.

I think I need to go to the pie table.

Huh.

John: Tim.

Oh.

I was...

Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry.

Greg: Wow.

(groans softly)

What was that?

(exhales)

That was so rude.

(groans softly) Trust me, what I was about to do at that table was gonna be a lot ruder and a lot louder.

You can really tell when it's gonna come out barking.

Gross. Can we please get through one meal where you... ?

Oh. Ooh. (stomach growling)

(gasps softly)

Great. Now you've given it to me.

Shh.

(stomach growling)

I'm gonna go, uh, change the baby's, uh, diaper in the other room.

Oh, I just changed her. She's fine.

Yeah, but I'm not so I'm gonna go change the baby's diaper in the other room.

Oh, no. Is this our wedding night all over again?

Yeah, yeah, but I'm gonna try not to cry.

(sighs)

Was that you or me?

I don't know, but I'm worried about whichever one of us it was.

Colleen: Uh-oh.

I was afraid this might happen.

What's that?

My cauliflower rice is delicious, but sometimes it's a little more than some people can handle.

Mm-hmm.

(stomachs growling)

Hi, guys. How you doing? Is your dinner good?

Yeah, Heather.

That's great. That's awesome.

That's good.

I'm gonna just... go have some...

What was that all about?

Gross, Tyler!

That wasn't me.

Tim: Hey, guys.

Oh, hey.

How's it going over here?

Oh, boy.

How's your dinner? Just...

(strained): checking in on you.

All right, good.

(coughs) Aw. I better not get pinkeye.

You know, maybe now would be a good time to go around the table and for each person to say what they're thankful for, for this year.

Honey, do you want to stand?

Oh, I'm not... I'm, um...

I got a really good seal going here.

Oh, sit.

Oh, absolutely sit.

John: Yeah. Anyway, great life, great family.

Got some new boat shoes I'm really excited about.

Amen. Tim?

Uh, family, new friends, and a nice walk home in the fresh air.

Greg?

Come back to me.

Colleen: Oh, I'll go.

Oh, no, no. No, baby.

I'm really thankful to be...

No, no, no, no, no, time is pain.

Yeah, that about covers everybody.

Great meal, guys. See you again next year, huh?

(loud, overlapping chatter)

Excuse me...

I would,I-I-I, I would like to say a few words if you don't mind.

Oh.

Oh.

You know, this is my...

This is my first Thanksgiving without Helen.

Oh.

You know, she was my... my one and only.

Mm-hmm.

I re... I really miss her.

I miss her, too. I miss her so much.

Jen: Wish she were back!

Colleen: To Helen.

Gone too soon. Gone too soon.

Helen.

Way too soon.

Yes, thank you.

But, you know, perhaps the best way to... (throat clearing) to honor her memory would be a moment of silence.

Heather: Oh.

She loved... silence.

(groans)

Okay.

(loud panting)

Greg, be careful.

That's what makes the baby come out.

(muffled laughter)

Oh.

(throat clearing)

Stop.

I think I'm crowning.

(laughter)

You are the most insensitive family I have ever met.

No, no.

You are laughing at a grieving man.

I'm not, I'm not, I'm really trying...

(overlapping chatter) GARY: Oh, come on.

I mean, you're mocking my loss.

No. No, no, no, it's not that.

That's it.

It's not that at all.

Your son needs to be out of that garage by the end of the week, or you'll be fined.

Don't-don't do that.

And I want to thank you for one very... uncomfortable evening.

(farts loudly)

Well, I bet he's comfortable now.

(laughter)

(indistinct, overlapping chatter)

All right, Matt can stay in the garage.

Joan: Thank you.

But if there are any more infractions, I'm gonna have to report you.

(gobbling)

Oh.

(gobbling)

Oh, well, that explains the smell.