01x09 - Hospital Boudoir Time-Out Namaste

I appreciate all the tableside prep, but this is a lot of work.

Yeah, you guys sure you don't want to just go out to eat?

Ah, no. Come on.

No. Who needs the hassle?

Look, we've got delicious food, you know?

Cold drinks.

Good company.

Still afraid to leave the baby with the sitter?

Greg: Well, one of us is.

I just, I don't... I have a hard time believing anyone's gonna be as careful as I am, you know?

Oh. Uh-oh. Oh. Oh, gosh. Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, baby. Are you okay?

I think I sliced my hand.

That's a lot of blood.

Oh...

Lot of blood there.

Here you go.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Sorry.

I'm very sorry, are you okay?

Jen: Yeah, yeah. I don't know.

There's a lot of blood.

Yeah.

What's happening with him?

I don't know.

Is this a thing?

You don't wanna know.

Let's get you out of here.

That'll help.

Are you gonna puke?

Let's get you to the hospital.

He's really afraid of blood.

It's gonna solve everything.

Oh, no, no, we can't go.

They'll be fine. You guys can watch Lark, right?

We're good. Yeah, you guys go.

Have you held a human baby before?

You guys are gonna be okay.

Yeah, you go, you go.

We're gonna be absolutely fine.

They'll be fine, they'll be fine, they'll be fine, they'll be fine.

Okay. All right.

Seriously, just call me if anything bad happens.

No problem, brother.

Really?! With the chips?!

I'm sorry. I'm not sure when we're gonna be able to eat again.

Jen: I'm still waiting for stitches, so if the baby wakes up, just give her a bottle, lukewarm, splash it on your face to test the temperature.

I know most people say the wrist, but that's wrong.

Skin is too tough. Oh, you know what?

I think I'm up next. I'm gonna call you back, okay?

Okay. Bye-bye.

Bleeker?

Mr. Bleeker?

(groans)

What is that? What is that?

We were here way before him. He's not even bleeding.

I heard him earlier; he said he was having chest pains.

He's fine. He just ate a bag of pork rinds.

(groans)

(people gasping)

Is he okay?

He's up, he's up. He's living.

He's living.

And, you know, I think we're next, so...

You think they forgot us?

No, honey.

I'm gonna go ask.

Oh, no, please don't do that.

No, no, I'm just asking.

Don't do that.

I'm just asking, and I'm so nice.

People say I'm very nice in these situations.

You know, I'm accommodating as a person, and I just have an open heart and open energy.

Hi. Excuse me.

We will get to you when we get to you.

Oh, okay. Well, the thing is, I just, I have a new baby at home.

We will get to you when we get to you.

So... when are you gonna get to me?

(laughs) I'm just kidding. Yeah. I got that.

All right, well, I'll just be over here.

She does like me... it's just, she has a different way of showing it at the moment.

Okay, you know what?

Why don't we go for a walk, get you out of here?

You're starting to drive yourself crazy.

Do you think I should text Matt and just make sure everything's okay?

Well... but I thought you already did that.

I thought he said everything was fine.

Well, he did text me that everything was okay, but he put a period instead of an exclamation point, and to me, that feels worrisome.

Okay, you want to know what, let's get out of here, okay?

All right, come on.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am, you have our cell phone.

We're just gonna...

Nurse: We will get to you when we get to you!

Okay, great. Thank you so much.

So glad you two could finally meet.

Let's walk around, okay?

That doesn't look good, what he's got going on.

Yeah, well, he may have to go before you.

"Art therapy helps patients connect with emotions words cannot convey"

The main emotion here, to me, seems to be...

I broke both my hands.

I mean, this here obviously is a meditation on the pain of living with flat feet.

It really just... cuts to the bone.

Gets you right...

Yeah, right there, right?

Gets you right there, doesn't it?

Yeah.

That's what art does.

I'm emotional.

It's the power of art.

How's the finger?

Honestly, I'm just glad it wasn't the picker or the flipper, you know?

I need those.

Why would anybody complain about hospital food?

I mean, we got hot and cold and... creamy and crunchy all in one bite... I mean, all the bases are covered.

Honestly, anyone who doesn't like a tater tot isn't someone I want to know.

Yeah.

Hey. When's the last time it was just the two of us?

Oh, God, I don't know.

I like it.

Yeah.

It's kind of like we're on a date.

It's kind of romantic.

Yeah.

My diaper's full.

Well... tonight, someone else changes the diapers.

All right.

Cheers to that.

Okay.

Do you want sweet, salty or nasal strip?

Uh... let's let fate decide.

Oh, look who's changing.

You know? What do you say?

Okay, ready?

Yeah.

(beeping)

Shower cap?

That's a burn.

Please help me.

I feel like I'm sitting in a casserole dish.

I came in for a slight cough.

How did this go downhill so quickly?

Okay, that reminds me.

You know, one day, I am going to be that old, and I want you to promise me something.

Yeah, I'll pull the plug, absolutely.

No, that was not...

That wasn't where you were going?

That was not where I was going.

(laughs): Oh, sorry.

But that's good to know.

It would be out of love.

Yes, of course.

You know, who wants to sit in a casserole dish? Let's go again.

Let's just double up.

Okay, ready?

All right, here we go.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Another shower cap?

What is fate trying to tell us?

I love how, like, artsy and European it is, you know?

Like, they don't just go for the happy ending.

Mm, so true.

According to this, I've had, like, eight strokes.

Mm.

Nurse: Short?

Jennifer Short?

I'm having such a good time, I hate to go.

Yeah, me, too. Come on.

Nurse: Ms. Short?

Okay.

Paramedic: Step aside, please! Coming through!

Multiple-car pileup!

We got more on the way.

(urgent chatter)

So does that... are we...

Nurse: We'll get to you when we get to you.

(laughs)

Hey, you know what I heard?

Hmm?

There's a wheelchair basketball game over in the physical therapy wing.

Ooh, let's go.

(chuckles)

I'll get your purse.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, have you heard from Matt and Colleen?

Oh, yeah. Baby's fine.

But Matt threw up.

Hmm.

Man: You must be Heather.

Oh. Hi.

You're... Steffan?

Effan. The "S" and the "T" are silent.

Oh.

So, is this your first time posing in your underwear?

Mm-hmm.

All right, just do what feels natural on a leopard skin bed.

Okay.

Oh, God, Brigitte Bardot, is that...

Oh. It's you. It's you.

Hi. Give me "hi."

Hi.

Hello.

Yeah, there you go. Tiger.

(both growling playfully)

Wow, you're blowing my mind. I can't believe you're not a pro.

Are these for your husband?

Yeah, it's our anniversary in six weeks.

These will be ready by then, right?

Sure. Yeah.

Tim: Come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

What's this?

Same day shipping?

(laughs): Oh, don't mind if I do.

Do mind if I don't.

No one's here for the good ones.

(slurps) Mmm.

One of these. That'll do it.

Happy anniversary, babe.

Thank you.

Okay. What did you get?

Bible Chess.

Yeah. It's a... it's a board game for the family.

I don't know how to play it yet, but it had a ton of five star reviews.

Patsy from Arkansas called it "a real hoot."

Wow. Okay.

Well... thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Mm...

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Um... I have something for you, too.

Oh!

Cool wrapping.

That's fabric from my wedding dress.

Okay.

A book?

What in the world?

Open it up.

Ah...

(laughing)

This is hilarious!

Hilarious?

Hilariously... sexy.

Ah.

And hot and not funny at all.

Mm.

Yeah, too late.

No, wait!

No, you caught me off guard!

I was like, I thought maybe it was a gag, like that time you texted me your boobs.

That wasn't a gag!

Do you know what I did to make that for you? I went to the gym every day for two weeks. I waxed myself until I was hairless as an egg. I had things bleached. I literally exposed myself for you, and all you do is click a button.

No, Heather, look, you know I'm no good at presents. It's just not my thing.

Well, make it your thing.


Hello, Tim.

Whoa!

Heather said she found my sunglasses.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's 'cause they got a little baby oil on there.

That'll come right off.

So, you're not gonna ask me why I'm dressed like this?

No. No, I'm not.

So this... seems normal to you?

Didn't say that.

Okay.

Look, as long as you're here, can you help me, please?

Hmm.

I'm trying to get a flattering picture of my butt, and I just can't find the right angle.

I think I'm just being too hard on myself.

You're not.

Look, please?

This is the only thing I can do to make things right with your sister.

Oh, Tim, I don't know what you did wrong, but I can guarantee you that this is not the fix.

I called her naked body "hilarious"

I'm gonna miss you.

I will give you $200.

Okay, bend over. (clears throat)

♪ Freeze frame... ♪

Awesome. Awesome.

♪ Now I'm lookin' at a flashback Sunday ♪
♪ Zoom lens feelings just won't disappear ♪
♪ Do, do, loo-da, la ♪
♪ This freeze-frame moment ♪
♪ Can't be wrong ♪
Freeze frame
♪ Freeze frame ♪
Freeze frame
♪ Freeze frame ♪
Freeze frame
♪ Freeze frame ♪
Freeze frame, whoo!
♪ Now freeze... ♪

Matt: It's okay.

He's paying me.

♪ Shoop, shoop, do, do, loo-da, la ♪
♪ Freeze frame. ♪

What's that?

Nothing. Just an apology.

(clears throat)

That is sexy.

It's okay, you can laugh.

Wow! You're my chunk of burnin' love.

I was there. You don't have to show it to me.

Well, oh, my... look at you there.

Oh, my...

(laughs)

It's, uh...

Oh, that's not our anniversary.

I know.

I-I marked it six weeks out so I could plan ahead.

And then this is... four weeks, for when I keep putting it off because it's six weeks away.

That is incredibly sweet.

I'm sorry I laughed at your book.

You are the most beautiful woman in the world, and I am not worthy of you.

Well... that is absolutely true.

Come here.

Give me a big kiss.

Who took these for you?

I'm gonna need as many copies of this as I can get for $200.

Sophia: I'm gonna write all the swears I know.

"Boogers. Bum."

Heather: Listen, young lady, we do not use language like that in this house.

I want you to go in your room.

You are on a time-out.

Fine!

Fine!

Your party's gonna fall apart without me.

I'm the one with the best stories.

Hey. Just so you know?

Every time you talk, it starts over.

Fine. Then I'll say one last thing.

This... sucks!

(groans angrily)

Sorry, Franklin.

You didn't deserve that.

Why do I always get in trouble?

Mom and Dad use that word all the time.

I'm just gonna say it.

Ass.

How do I not have a Minion toy?

There's nothing to do in here.

When I'm older, I'm gonna have three TVs in my room and my bed's just gonna be a giant remote, so when I roll over, it changes channels.

And Mom is gonna be my maid, and Samantha's gonna live in the toilet.

Samantha: I still had them in there, and, yeah, Mom was going, "Go"

I didn't like the orange one...

Sophia: Look at her down there.

Smiling, like she doesn't belong in the toilet.

I know she says a lot worse than what I said when she's in her room with her friends.

I wish she'd let me hang out in her room with her friends.

Sophia: (gasps) He saw me!

(exhales)

I know. I can go to Narnia.

Or like that new kid who moved from Boston says,

(Boston accent): "Nahnia."

What a dummy!

Aw.

There's never a magical world in your closet when you need one.

(knocking at door)

Hey.

Brought you a hot dog.

I'm on a hunger strike.

I really want that hot dog.

You know, Sophia, being a kid is hard.

But someday, you're gonna realize that Mom and Dad...

Sophia: Blah, blah, blah.

"I'm Tyler. I have red hair. I can drive.

I can do whatever I want because I'm a teenager."

I wish my lips were as red as his.

At least until Mom lets me wear lipstick.

So do you understand what I'm saying?

No.

Yes.

Good talk, kid.

I'll eat this later, and I won't brush my teeth after.

And all the other moms are gonna say, "Oh, you're such a bad mother for letting your daughter have green teeth."

I'm gonna write all the swears I know.

"Boogers. Bum."

And the F-word: "fart."

I better destroy the evidence.

When are we getting a dog?

(knocking at door)

Hey.

What do you think? Did you learn your lesson?

Sophia: Am I allowed to talk?

You're allowed to talk now.

Whoa.

It stinks being the youngest one.

I can't do what everybody else does, I can't say what everybody else says.

It's asinine.

Can I say that?

You know what?

Tyler and Samantha had the same rules when they were your age.

You just don't remember, that's all.

What are you drawing there?

(chuckles) It's a fart tree.

I drew it for you.

To say I'm sorry.

I really am sorry.

Honey, I love you so much.

Do you know what? I saved you a piece of cake.

I saved you a corner piece, because I know how much you love the frosting.

I hope there's a flower on it.

There's even a flower on it.

This is getting creepy.

All right. So what do you think?

Think you can go back downstairs, watch your language?

Yes.

All right, good. Let's go.

But I just need to say it one more time.

Ass.

Okay. Two more times.

Ass.

Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass!

There's a guy, there's a guy... Right there. Get that...

Ah, you got him!

Eat that, turkeys!

Welcome to Namaste Noshery.

Good afternoon.

We would like your finest table.

Tell me what you value in a table.

Uh... four legs and a place to sit?

(girls giggle)

"Fragility, Abundance, Joy, Chagrin"

What is this baloney?

All the dishes here are named after feelings.

Oh, my sister would love this place.

She eats her feelings all day long.

Hi, there. Would you guys like to start off with an order of Tranquility, or perhaps a side of Black Beans Matter?

We'll take whatever three pepperoni pizzas feels like, and if there's a Mai Tai hanging around back there, tell it I'm looking for it.

(chuckles)

Okay.

Three Generosities with cashew cheese.

And the question of the day is: "What are you grateful for?"

I'm grateful there's a hamburger joint on the way home.

(chuckles)

She's a dud.

I'm grateful for you, Pop-Pop.

I'm glad you started taking us to riding every week while Mom's at yoga.

Sophia: Yeah, Pop-Pop.

And I'm grateful that you never tell us you're too busy to spend time with us.

Aw, Soph.

(sniffles)

I'm grateful for that, too.

You two girls look so much like your mama when she was young.

Are you okay, Pop-Pop?

Oh, yeah.

(chuckles): I'm just feeling a couple of the appetizers.

Yeah, I started crying, and so they rang a bell.

I got a free dessert.

It was all so very confusing.

You know, the girls took me there once, and that's why I started carrying bacon in my purse.

Look at all these pictures, and I'm hardly in any of them.

I missed so much when the kids were young.

You were flying all over the world, providing for your family.

Yeah. I could've done more.

Like one of my copilots, Roger.

You remember Roger.

Yeah.

He had this wonderful family and then this secret family in Paris, and he was such a great dad to both.

Yeah, that was an awkward funeral.

I was a lousy father.

Worse than that guy in the "Cat's Got the Cable" song.

You were a great dad.

Mm-mm.

And you don't have to log any more flights now.

You've got time.

Go for it.

There's a guy, there's a guy...

Yep.

Right there. Get that... Ah, you got him!

(laughs)

Eat that, turkeys!

Oh, sorry, Wellesley; that's my dad.

(chuckles) No, I'm not gonna tell him that you said that, but...

What?

No, Dad, Dad, no!

Hey, who is this?

And that's how Teddy Tinkle went number one.

(whispers): She's asleep.

She is so cute!

(crying)

All right.

You have a good night's sleep.

Look at her.

That's my daughter Heather.

Look at her... doing that warrior pose.

Check it out, huh? (chuckles) Good, baby.

Oh, Mom, hey.

You got to say something to Dad.

Yeah, it was really sweet at first, but, you know, Now it's starting to get out of control.

He wanted to watch me jump rope. It got really weird.

He took me to the Dodger game, and he wanted to hold my hand the whole time.

Joan: Oh, I know...

He keeps tousling my hair, and this takes a lot of work.

I know, I know. I saw this coming.

He just wants to know that you appreciate him.

Well...

We do.

Yeah, well, so... this is what you do.

You give him this, and it will stop.

(snickers)

Seriously?

Trust me.

I'm Jane Goodall and your father is my ape.

All right.

(clears throat)

What... you got to be kidding.

You really think I'm the world's greatest dad?

We really do.

Yeah, man, you're the best.

We love you.

Well...

I-I think you're the world's... greatest kids.

How did you know that that would work?

Joan: Life is complicated. Your father's not.

Heather: You're a genius.

(Joan laughs)