01x10 - Burn Vasectomy Milkshake Pong

Honey, come on. Ok?

Heather said dinner was at 6, you can do that in the morning.

What if in the morning I forget to tell Tonita where the back-up pads are and she needs them and calls me at work.

But I'm locked in the handicapped bathroom, cause I was pumping in there.

And that door sticks that nobody walks down that hall, because Sue's desk is there.

And Sue still thinks that natural deodorant actually works.

Ok, I-I thought that you were worried about going back to work.

But now I'm concerned you're having some sort of medical emergency.

Reminds me I need to tell Tonita where the first-aid kit is.

Okay, you know what?

Why don't we write that one in the car?

What? Oh.

Okay? Come on.

I think we can pop it off right before we go.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Do it.

There we go. That's good. That's good.

Hey, hey, that brats are ready.

I could offer you the best... but it'd still be the "werst".

Ah, you liked that one?

I didn't think anyone get that one, because I used the German pronunciation.

Huh? Oh, no, I wasn't actually listening.


She's a little preoccupied... going back to work tomorrow.


These almonds in a cell...

I love a nut in the cell.

I just realized we have an unlocked toilet seat.

Did she just leave?

Ah, she's just going to write herself a Post-it note... at home.

Is she gonna... come back for that pasta salad?

Cause I could... use an extra serve.

Just have at it.

I've never seen her so crazy before...


This is going back to work after baby syndrome.

You feel guilty if you're excited, you feel guilty if you're not excited.


It's... it's like s*x.


I just wish that there was some way that I could help her through this.

You can. You take the hit.

A controlled burn.

You pick a fight with her... she gets to release the tension on you.

The fire is contained.

And then she gets to work in peace.

Aah, the old rodeo clown.

Yeah, I've been in that barrel a few times.

Ok. Ok, so what do I pick a fight about?

What would you say if you want to pick a fight with me?

Well, it doesn't really apply to us 'cause you don't work.

Ok, I get it.

A place to start, you know?


Oh, I-I work.

Ok? I work!

So, what's going on here?

Oh, I'm just trying to find something to wear to work tomorrow that doesn't make me look like Mr. Peanut.

Okay, what do you think of this?

I think you should lose a little bit more baby weight before you wear that.

I'm sorry, what?

I think you need to lose a little baby weight before you wear that-that particular, uh, dress.


So I'm... 'cause I'm seeing the words come out of your mouth, but when they reach my ears, I just, I know that they, they can't be right.

Oh, no, they're right.

They're right.

I just think you look a little, um, stuffed in a shell like a peanut.

It's your turn.

It's my turn? Sure, this is a fun game.

So I talk, I talk now?

No, you know what, let's just forget I said anything, 'cause I am reevaluating this whole thing...

I am literally dreading the moment that I have to say good-bye to Lark tomorrow and leave her for the first time in four months to go back to my very demanding job where I will try my hardest to focus on work, but really all I'll be thinking about is her and feeling like I should be home because I'm probably missing something and wondering if she's okay and if she's sad because I'm not there holding her.

So I'm sorry if that's what I'm worried about, and you're worrying about, uh, whether or not I look...

Wh-What's the word?

Not-not-not fat.


I shouldn't have gone to fat.

I was, I was just trying to make you upset.

But now it seems like you're really mad and...

Oh, so you were trying to make me upset?

For a very particular reason and it's a good reason.

Comes from a good place.

Feels good.


(stammers) Well, not right now.

No. No, no, no, no.

It's not feeling good right now.

But it started in, uh, from a well-meaning Uh-huh. place...

Of, uh, you know... controlled burn?

Big mistake, big mistake.

I'm hiding in the bathroom now.

Yeah, I can't talk to you right now.

I got my own problems over here.

Tim: You can't just walk away in the middle of an argument!

Hey, if I walk away, it's not the middle of an argument.

Okay, look, Jen has thrown all of my jeans in the dryer on high...


How do you like the corn chips now?

She's taking all the bags of chips and crushing them because she knows I don't like chip dust.


Tim: I love chip dust.

Most of the chewing's already done for you.

Tim, get off the phone!

(chips crunching)




Are you there?

Jen: I am.


Mommy's here.

Quick "Q"... Heather, did you tell Greg to call me fat?

Heather: I-I told him to-to do a controlled burn, you know, be-be a rodeo clown.

Okay, well, the burn is out of control.

So I want to thank you, 'cause I always wanted to be uh, in a burning, burning rodeo.



(clears throat)

So, uh, just a quick tip.

When you take advice from Heather, you end up acting like Tim.


So maybe stop taking advice from Heather?



Yeah, I'm sorry.

You don't deserve this.


Be a good girl for Tonita, okay?

Come here.

Oh, gosh.

Want to take one last rip?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There you go.

Oh, that is the good stuff.

Okay, whew!


So, uh, you're okay?


You know what?

I am. (chuckles)

Good, so, I mean, I guess this all kind of worked. (chuckles)

Yeah, I only wrote one Post-it last night.




Don't tell me what it says.

Well, I dropped them all off at their sleepovers.

Tyler's at boy Julian's house.

Samantha's at girl Julian's house.

And Sophia is at Charisma's, whose gender seems fluid.

It's kind of nice not having them here.


Hey, we should do that thing that we've always talked about.

Are you serious?

You'd let me do that?

Let you? Listen, if I'm being honest, I'd want you to do it.

That is so hot. This is a huge game changer in our relationship.

That's what I'm hoping!

There's no way we're talking about the same thing, is there?

I think that getting a vasectomy is a very smart idea.

Yeah, well, just so you know, my idea wouldn't have resulted in pregnancy, either.

Oh, come on, everybody we know is doing it.

That's what you said about Club Med.

And then you almost lost a pinkie toe and I wound up snorkeling through someone else's diarrhea.

Yes, but to be fair, someone had to snorkel through yours.


I know, I know.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'm scared.

I know.

I mean, look.

What if there's an earthquake and he cuts the whole thing off?

I just think it deserves better.

Okay, well, this is your hospital.

You know all the doctors.

It's-it's going to be fine.

(door opens)


Oh, hey, Dr. Changa.

Hey, you two. Heather?


Hey, Jimmy.

How are you?

I'm, I'm...

Timmy, last chance to feel the wind in your hair before we shave your balls. (laughs)

You guys ready?



I'll take that as a yes.

Um, hey, could we record it?

Yeah, we, uh, recorded the conception and the birth, so this way we'd have the trilogy.

No, no.

It's like a Star Wars...

There's no recording. It's a legal thing.

There's nothing to worry about.

Unless I cut the wrong cord and then a bomb goes off... kaboom!



I'm kidding.


All right, how was last night?

Did you meditate?


(door opens)


Hello, Dr. Hughes.

I'm here to shave you.


Wow, you look great.

Haven't seen you since...

You fired me?


I-I thought we bumped into each other at the mall that one time and smoothed things over.


We made eye contact, then you snuck into a Forever 21 and pretended to buy a blouse.

I only remember the good times.

Like when you said I was careless and did sloppy work.

What? No.

Looks like I forgot the shaving cream.

We're gonna have to do this dry.


(speaking indistinctly)


Tim, you're going to feel a tiny prick, followed by a good old fashioned donkey kick to the nuts.


I'm going to make an incision in your scrotum.


♪ Think I'm going down ♪
♪ To the well tonight ♪
♪ I'm gonna drink till I get my fill ♪
♪ I hope when I get older ♪
♪ I don't sit around thinking about it ♪
♪ But I probably will ♪
♪ Just sittin' back ♪
♪ Tryin' to recapture ♪
♪ A little of the glory of ♪

Changa: ♪ Glory of ♪
♪ Time slips by ♪
♪ And leaves you with nothing, mister, but ♪

Both: ♪ Boring stories of ♪
♪ Glory days ♪

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

♪ Well... ♪

So sorry.


♪ Glory days ♪
♪ Glory days... ♪

Changa: ♪ Duh-duh-duh-duh ♪
♪ Duh-duh-duh-duh ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

Both: ♪ Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪



♪ Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. ♪

Is it over?

I did it, babe!


I've been spayed and/or neutered.

Bob Barker would be proud.



I'm proud of you.


All right, come on.

Let's get you home.


Oh. (paper tearing)

Oh. Wow.

That's, um... that's stuck to you pretty good, there.

I'll just put my shirt on over it.



Looks like a little crime scene back there.


Blood was shed.


I'm just so glad I never have to do this again.


I mean, unless you want to get it reversed.

We could... just pick up a pamphlet on the way out.

I did not purchase Lovin' Lamb: the Sexy Inflatable Sheep.

Ask for his supervisor and then just yell at him.

Customer service?

Fraud prevention.

No... honey, don't open those.


We have to send them back.


Uh, representative?


Ask for his supervisor.

The first one that picks up is always just practicing English.

Hello, Karishma.

Yeah, I told you.

Yeah, well, somebody has stolen my credit card numbers and they're making bizarre purchases and they're sending them to my house.

Oh, yes.

I'm quite sure I did not purchase Lovin' Lamb: the Sexy Inflatable Sheep.

Ask for his supervisor and then just yell at him.

Oh, no, don't transfer me, because I always get disconnect...


(phone beeps off)

Customer service?

No, no...

Fraud prevention?


Ask for a supervisor.

Hu... man?

Don't transfer me!

Don't put me on hold!

Oh, no, please don't...


I need a milk shake.

Yeah. Get in the truck.

Joan: They said the wait time would be five minutes... it's been 15!

You should have asked for a supervisor.

Woman (over phone): Hello. Fraud prevention.


With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking today?

Joan Short!


Hi! I'm here!

Is there anyone on the line?

I'm here!

Man (over speaker): Welcome to Big Joey's!

I'm here!


Can I take your order?

She wants to talk to the supervisor.

I am the supervisor, until Gary gets out of the bathroom.

Woman: Is there anyone there?

Man: Yes!

I'm here!

I'm here!

I'm ready for your order!

Ah, we-we'd like a couple of Big Joeys, fries and a vanilla milk shake.

Can you hear me?

Woman: This is a bad connection.

Can you try calling back on a landline?

No. No, no, no...

$13.85, next window.

I want my milk shake.

And you're gonna get it.

I-I got a couple of years of console change here, and they gotta take it.

I know my rights.

Here. There you go.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, that's oxidized.


(clinking) Oh. Sorry.

There... that's your tip, down there.

Oh, jackpot. Great.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Okay, would you guys mind pulling forward?

It's gonna take a few minutes to count all this change.

(indistinct chatter and laughter)

So, some bad news: we just ran out of milk shakes.

That baseball team just cleaned us out.

But, um, here is a diet soda and a free bottle of Big Joey cologne.

It's called Eau de Joe.

It keeps the bees away.

Have a Big Joey day.




Ma'am, if you get out of the car, I'm gonna have to blow my whistle.

Today is not the day for you to run out of milk shakes, because today I've had my identity stolen.

I spent 23 minutes listening to a Muzak version of Jimi Hendrix, and I was sent an inflatable s*x sheep.

Ma'am, if you come any closer, I'm gonna have to blow my whistle.

Now you come out here, and you tell me there are no more milk shakes?

I'm afraid that won't do.

Joanie? Joanie, I got your milk shake.

(whistle blowing)


Hey, you kids know the deal, huh?

One mystery package for each milk shake.

No take backs, no tradesies.


You really know how to make a woman happy.

Fraud prevention.




You don't care about this Ping-Pong rivalry, do you?

No. I'm an adult.

I know how to let things go.

I love Paris.

Sometimes I think people travel just so they can talk about it later.

That was a great trip. Remember at that restaurant?

You told the waiter you had to take a crêpe.

(everyone laughs)

You got to tell that one at my funeral.


Ooh, someone's wedding.

Jen, you look so pretty.

I love that dress.

Thanks, yeah, it's Vera Wong.

You mean Wang.


Greg, your smile looks a little weird here.

Mmm, no.

No? Did I... did I... did I say something wrong?

Uh, you know, I'm actually not allowed to answer that question.

Oh, but I'd love to hear the answer to that question, Matt.

I'd love to hear the answer to that particular question.

Not much to tell.

This ding-dong and that ding-dong were being dum-dums.

Tim: You don't know this story?

(laughing): Oh, it's awesome.

Oh, yeah, if attempted murder's awesome.

Oh, my... for the last time, it slipped.

Okay, okay, okay.

It slipped.

It's the night before the wedding, Greg and Matt are playing Ping-Pong, game gets a little competitive...

Greg gets hit in the face with a paddle and he loses a tooth.

Or as he had to say on our honeymoon, a "toof."

(everyone snickers)

Did you just throw it at him?



What? No.

Oh, you knew that you were about to lose.

"About to lose"?

It was 19 to 20.

You have to win by two.

You know I was about to beat you.

Based on what evidence?

The fact that you've never beaten me at anything in your life ever?

That's not true.

That's true.

No. No, that's not true.


Will you two stop?

I mean, my wedding photographs were ruined because of this stupid sibling rivalry.

I mean, literally, he smiled at me during the ceremony, I felt like I was marrying a first grader.

Come on, guys, it's just a game.

Says the man who takes only the winner out to ice cream.

The world is a hard place.

So did you guys ever finish the game?

Oh, no, n-n-n-n-no.

They have not played since.

You know, I think it might be time to let this go.

Thank you.

Oh, come on, Mom.

Yes, you're brothers.

Tell each other you love each other.

I love you.

Joan: Oh, honey.

Look him in the eye.

Come on.

(mumbling): I love you.

Yeah, see?

Wasn't that hard.


Ooh, snack!


I-It... it's "snap."


I've always said "snack"

You don't care about this Ping-Pong rivalry, do you?


No, I'm an adult.

I know how to let things go.

Honey, we got to get the key back from Matt.

My whole life. Hmm?

I have never been better than Matt at anything except losing.


You are successful.

You're a great father.

You have a beautiful, intelligent, tolerant wife.

You don't need this stupid Ping-Pong game to prove yourself.

Oh, yes, I do.

I need this.

We need this.

No, I don't need this.

I really need you to need this.

I just feel like my need for you to "un-need" this is kind of trumping your need to need it.

Well, I'm glad that we both understand that we both need this.

So, I see you got a headband.

Oh, of course I have a headband.

What do you use to help you wear an exfoliating mask?

All righty.

Let's do this.

Somebody's getting ice cream.

Compliments of this guy.


You ready?

Born ready.

(both grunting)

(Greg yipping)


20-20, just like my vision.

Unlike some people, I don't need glasses.

I don't wear glasses.

Sure about that?

You didn't see that little ball go zooming right past you.

Stop trying to get in my head.

I'm already there, buddy.

I live there.

No, you live in this garage.

Ooh, snack!

Snap. Shoot!

(Greg yipping)


So what's that?

Match point?



(breathes deeply)

I love you, baby.

This one's for Lark!

♪ Play the game ♪
♪ You know you can't quit until it's won ♪
♪ Soldier on ♪

(both grunting)


♪ Only you can do ♪
♪ What must be done ♪
♪ I can make it, I know I can ♪
♪ You broke the boy in me, but you won't break the man ♪


(Greg yips)

♪ I can see a new horizon ♪


♪ Underneath the blazin' sky ♪
♪ Take me where my future's lyin', St. Elmo's fire... ♪








Please tell me that was the fake one.

It will be.

I'm gonna go leave a message on Dr. Frankel's service.

Jen: Is it g... is it going?

Greg: Mm-hmm.

Jen: Okay.

Everybody smile.

(camera shutter clicks)

Well, there's always next year.