01x11 - College Stealing Santa Caroling

Okay, Tim, you're next.

Hey, all right!

Got my eyes on this one.

Let me see what we got here.

Oh, great.

(laughter)

A Hello Kitty backpack, come on.

I'm gonna be stuck with this, aren't I?

Matt: Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, don't be too sure.

I might steal that. I love Hello Kitty.

Ah, me, too! Yeah, we can share it.

We can wear it together or something, right, whatevs.

Dad.

What are you talking about?

What?

Okay!

Tyler, you're up next. Open the blue one.

Well, since that's the one you want me to open, I think I'll...

No, open the blue one or I will show Clementine video of you doing stand-up in fifth grade.

(laughs)

“What's the deal with homework?”

I'm opening it, I'm opening it.

And I killed with the lunch ladies.

Colleen: Ooh, is that a Michigan sweatshirt?

You trying to tell us something?

He got into U of M!

(all cheering)

Mom, I asked you not to tell anyone.

Ah, you don't have to keep it a secret, son.

You should be proud.

Look, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I've decided that I'm not going to college.

No.

Not acceptable, no.

No, I was waiting for the right time to tell you, 'cause I knew you'd freak out...

The right time to tell us that you are screwing up your future?

College isn't my future.

Clem and I were talking, and we really think that the band is ready to go on tour.

What? Clemmy, that doesn't sound like you.

Well, we just think that we were both born with certain assets that will let us succeed even without college.

Don't say it.

Tyler, you-you have to go to college.

That's how you can have a career.

Relax, babe, I got this.

Thank you.

Listen, buddy, college is...

It's about a lot more than just education.

It's about life experience.

Yes.

Look, that's where I met all my best friends.

I... we would stay up all night jamming on our guitars, then we went out on the road, followed a band, our favorite band for weeks and weeks, right?

And then one night, we get up onstage, actually get to jam with the band.

Best night of my life.

And that would never have happened if I didn't go to college.

Heather: Okay, Tim?

Literally anything else that you want to go do right now instead would be more helpful.

Heather: Hey.

Hey.

Um, can you talk to Tyler for me?

Okay.

Why me?

Because you didn't go to college, and your bed is right next to the water heater.

So, you know, I think it's fair to say you're a cautionary tale.

So could you just help your sister out?

Of course, but just, you know, so you know, my life is pretty great.

I mean, women want me, men want to be me.

Can I borrow your car?

Hey, uh, your hot uncle's here.

I've asked you to please stop calling him that.

Hey, Uncle Matt, what's up, man?

Hey.

Huh?

Hey, guys.

Ah, I just wanted to come by, see how things were going.

You know, try to talk you into going to college.

Not you, too, man.

You of all people should know what I'm trying to do here.

You're, like, the only person in this family I look up to.

Yeah, you're super cool.

And you've, you've got a really cool mouth.

I've got what?

I'm-I'm just into mouths.

Look, you didn't do what people expected you to do.

You wanted to be an artist and you went for it.

I admire that.

(sighs) Well, thank you, man.

That means a lot to me, truly.

I just want to follow my dream like you did.

Yeah, and once you hear Funeral Goose, you-you'd know it's a dream worth following.

Why Funeral Goose?

I'm just really into funerals.

Yeah, I'm into geese, I guess.

All right, no, let's-let's hear it.

All right, um, let's play, uh, "Death, Death, Goose."

One, two, three, four!

Oh, hey, did you convince him?

No, um, he convinced me.

You need to experience Funeral Goose.

What's that? Is that that vodka with a piece of charcoal floating in it?

No, it's Tyler's band.

(groans)

No, you need to let him pursue his dream. Trust me.

♪ What shall I compare thee to? ♪
♪ You're not the apple ♪
♪ Of my eye ♪
♪ Though you're quite appealing ♪
♪ More like a ♪

(high-pitched): ♪ Fruit with an orange pie... ♪

(quietly): This is terrible.

Wow. They are going to fail so fast, he will probably make fall semester.

And you won't be the one to crush his dreams.

Thank you. Thank you.

♪ You're my sweetest fruit... ♪

Funeral Goose! (whoops)

Clementine: ♪ My darling ♪
♪ My darling Clementine. ♪
♪ Clementine. ♪

Yeah! Funeral Goose!

Jen: Hey. The rest of the family left 20 minutes ago.

You don't need to do that.

Oh, it's okay.

It's okay. I'm used to cleaning up after Christmas Eve parties. Well, because I've hosted Christmas Eve parties for the past... how many years, John?

I don't know. Five?

41.

Oh.

I've hosted forty-one parties.

Yeah.

Yeah, you've mentioned that a couple times.

Yeah. You know, Mom, it's-it's just... with the baby, it's a little easier to just do it here, you know, which is why we're gonna do presents here in the morning instead of at your house.

Oh.

Oh! (stammers) Well, it makes sense.

So...

I just hate to miss that.

Especially since I went to a lot of trouble, you know, to buy really... just such special little gifts.

Yeah. Okay.

Well, if you want, I mean, you could spend the night.

That way you wouldn't miss a thing.

Where?

What? Oh. Oh, that's... Oh, here.

Oh, really?

Oh, God, are you sure?

You guys have all the pay channels, right?

If we didn't, would-would that be a deal-breaker?

Oh, no. No. No, I got, uh, Nightflex on my phone. (chuckles)

Yeah.

(whispering): I didn't know she was gonna say yes.

Of course she was gonna say yes. This is payback.

I mean, your mom is so mad that I hosted the party, she's hijacking Lark's first Christmas.

Hijacking's a bit much, don't you think?

Yeah. No, you're right. Hijackers will negotiate.

Take our bed. Please.

No, the air mattress is fine.

Ooh, this is why I... this is why I... this is why I do yoga.

John: Uh-huh.

Okay.

(grunts)

Whoa!

That's fun.

Now do me, huh?

Joan: Okay.

(toilet flushes)

(Lark crying)

Oh, I'm sorry. No.

Sleeping on that air mattress is like being on a boat.

It makes me have to pee.

(crying continues)

(loud crying)

(car alarm blaring)

(Lark crying)

Oh. (mutters)

(alarm continues) GREG: Dad, what are you doing?!

Well, the toilet woke up Lark earlier, so I-I thought I'd just go outside.

So, you peed in the front yard?

No. I peed in the neighbor's front yard.

And a little on his car, but that was an accident because the lights started going on and off, and it scared me.

(sighs)

Joan: Greg?

Yeah, Mom, what is it?

My legs are cramping.

I'm sure it's not the air mattress, but...

I need a banana.

Jen: You want us to just drive you home?

No, we're fine.

We'll-we'll take the air mattress.

Ow!

(thudding)

Hey. Hey!

It's us. It's Mom and Dad.

What?

Is that offer for this bed still on the table?

Never thought I'd sleep on one of these in my own home.

(sighs)

(Lark crying)

Oh.

(sighs)

Okay.

Bounce me up.

Thank you, honey.

What are you guys doing up? It's almost 5:00 in the morning.

Is it really?

Yeah.

We must have slept in.

Joan: You guys go back to your own bed.

If Lark wakes up, we'll take care of her.

You don't want to be tired for her first Christmas.

Thanks, Mom.

Thank you.

Oh, and sorry if the pillow's a little out of shape.

I had it in the old leg squeeze, you know, for my back.

It's probably your pillow, sweetie.

Hmm.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

(sighs)

I feel like we slept till 11:00.

It is 11:00.

Mom? Dad?

Where is everybody?

"Hi, honey. Lark was getting restless, so we took her for a drive to calm her down."

Mm. Yeah.

Mom? Dad?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Hey.

Greg: Where have you been?

The note said you were taking her on a drive.

Yeah. A drive, but we had to stop at home.

(Lark cooing)

Jen: "Baby's First Christmas"?

You guys took a photo and made an ornament from it?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was one of her gifts.

She loved it. You should have seen her face.

Yeah. We should have.

You know, we will never get that moment back.

Now, Lark's first Christmas present will always be the one she opened with your mom and dad.

What are you doing?

She took something from me, so I'm gonna take some things from her.

I've always wanted this.

That's c... cream.

Heavy, heavy cream.

Yeah.

Very heavy. Ooh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Always do just a skim milk.

Okay, listen, honey, I understand that you're upset.

I am, too, all right, but let's look on the plus side here, okay?

Lark is so young, she's not gonna remember this.

Go knock down their tree.

Yeah, okay.

I'm sorry.

What?

Well, we really did want to let you guys get some sleep, and we really did drive around, but I had to use the bathroom, so we came home, and I left your father for two minutes with the baby, and when I came back down, the wrapping paper was everywhere.

I did it.

I-I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself.

It feels so good to give.

You're the one that opened up all the presents, Dad.

I gave myself the gift of joy.

That's what Christmas is all about.

Huh.

I know how special it is to see your children's faces on Christmas morning.

I never meant to take that away from you.

Go home.

Enjoy your baby's first Christmas.

I'm sorry.

Wow. Your mom just apologized to me.

Yeah.

That's a Christmas miracle.

Tim: I follow a couple of Sam's friends on Instagram, because I think it's important to be an informed parent, even though I have to sift through an awful lot of makeup tutorials.


(loud electronic dance music playing)

Oh, five days of this?

Can we just unground her so we can make it stop?

No, we have to be firm.

She lied to us, Tim.

So what? Kids lie about stupid stuff all the time.

I used to lie and tell everybody I wrote that song "It's Raining Men."

Until I realized what it was about.

And then I just said I wrote the music.

We have to stand firm and set a precedent.

Otherwise, we'll never be able to trust her.

How can you not know what that song was about?

I was in the meteorology club. None of us knew.

Can I go to the library?

Uh, no, you're still grounded.

It's for school. It's not like I'm going there for fun.

It's a good point. The library is not fun.

It's just a place where homeless people go to wash their genitals.

Oh.

Heather: You can go, but don't talk to anybody.

I have to be at the library in two hours, or my mom will freak.

You should check out some books, just to be safe.

I did. I got the first ones I saw.

So I guess I'm doing my report on J. Edgar Hoover and the evolution of ground meat.

(laughter)

Ho, ho, ho.

Girl: Oh, my God.

We have to do that.

Samantha: He looks gross.

Duh. That's not the real Santa.

It's just one of his helpers.

All right. Ho, ho, ho. Who's next?

(laughing)

(camera shutter clicking)

(electronic dance music playing)

Hey, can you...?

(turns music off)

You're welcome.

Lexie's mom just called.

Turns out all your friends got lice from the mall Santa's beard.

What?

I know you wouldn't thank me for grounding you, but you probably should be thanking me for grounding you.

If you got it, with all that hair, we'd probably have to shave your head, so... (whistles)

What a relief.

You're welcome.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

"Cover the hair entirely.

"If any area's left uncovered, the lice will not be fully suffocated."

They're breathing?

Ew! Oh!

You got to breathe if you're gonna lay thousands of eggs a minute.

Leave me alone.

You talking to me or them?

You know, there is another way if you're interested.

Sophia, I don't have time for this, okay?

Too bad.

I do have some medicated shampoo left over from a pre-K scare.

Fine. What do you want?

20 bucks for the tube and five to keep my mouth shut.

I'm not giving you five dollars for that.

Make that ten.

Sophia!

Fifteen.

We can do this all day.

Tim, honey, did you finish the mayonnaise?

I swear we had some in here.

I think there's some in the earthquake kit.

Did you see this?

She was at the mall.

(gasps) Where'd you get this?

I follow a couple of Sam's friends on Instagram because I think it's important to be an informed parent, even though I have to sift through an awful lot of makeup tutorials.

I can't believe she lied to us again. I-I don't know what to do with her.

I don't know how to punish her anymore.

(gasps)

Ooh...

Knock, knock. Hey, I'm gonna drop Sophia off at Julia's.

Do you mind if I wear this?

No, you can't.

Oh, come on. I let you wear my things.

Uh, I'll stop. We can both stop right now.

Oh, don't be silly. We can share things. In fact, I'm gonna put this on my head right now.

No.

No. Mom. No. Stop.

Uh, getting real close.

It doesn't match your outfit.

It's neutral. It's beige.

It's really not your thing. And I have lice.

I'm sorry. What's that now?

I have lice!

I went to the mall with my friends.

I know. (sighs)

You were testing me?

Yes. Because I wanted to see if you would come clean.

Listen, Sam, I know what it's like to be a teenage girl.

You're not an adult, you're not a kid, but everybody expects you to be both.

And I'm not the enemy, but if you treat me like I am, it is going to be a very long couple of years for both of us.

I promise I've learned my lesson.

I'm sorry.

Come here.

I love you.

I love you, too.

You're still grounded for a month.

I still have lice.

Oh! Oh! (groaning)

Well, well, well.

When it rains, it pours.

20 bucks.

Fun? The last time I went, your friend Gunnar punched me in the ear when I told him I'd never seen a NASCAR race.

How is that fun?

Yeah, well, everybody laughed, huh?

John: ♪ On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ♪

Is that tonight?

♪ A poster ♪

I'm afraid so.

♪ Of naked ♪
♪ Cheryl Tiegs ♪

I'm singing my dirty Christmas carols.

The 101st Airmen's Chorus is gonna crush that one.

I mean, isn't this just an excuse for you and your Air Force buddies to get drunk and swear in public?

Oh, honey, that's the magic of Christmas... it can be both.

Ah.

We got to leave about, uh, 6:00, huh?

Oh. You know, I think I'm gonna skip it this year.

Oh, come on, Joanie. All the guys are gonna be there: Gunnar and Scooter, Big Bobby, Little Bobby, Keith.

I know, but last year Scooter got so drunk, he kept jumping on my back and asking for a ride.

(laughs)

That's right.

Yeah.

What about you, Heather?

Oh, no. God, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Last time I went caroling with you guys, you left me at a Taco Bell in Chatsworth.

Well, who am I gonna go with?

You know...

Hmm.

Greg was pretty upset last year... (gasps) that he wasn't invited. Yeah.

Greg.

Greg?

Loves to sing.

What? No. Why would I do that?

Because you had so much fun the last time you went.

Fun?

Last time I went, your friend Gunnar punched me in the ear when I told him I'd never seen a NASCAR race.

How is that fun?

Yeah, well, everybody laughed, huh?

How about you, Jen? You got a mouth on you.

Seems like you'd get along with the guys just great.

Uh, thank you for that. That's kind of you.

But I-I don't think I can.

Oh. Because you're Jewish, huh?

Sure.

Yeah.

You know, talk to Matt. He loves caroling.

Loves it.

Yeah.

Matt?

What? You used to call him...

Carol King.

Car-Carol King. Yeah.

Nope.

Is it because last time when...

Yes.

Well, in Little Bobby's defense, the guy had never shot a crossbow before.

I'll go.

Really?

Yeah.

We'll leave at 6:00.

Okay.

Wait. No. No. No, no, no, no, no. Baby.

Yeah?

Um, it's like Cocoon meets The Hangover. You really don't want to be a part of this.

But I feel like I haven't really connected with him yet.

If I don't spend time with him, we're gonna keep having the same awkward conversation about whether or not it's a leap year.

What is his obsession with leap years?

I know.

It's weird. Every day. "Is it leap year?

Is this a leap year." I don't know.

Kind of feels like it hasn't been a leap year in a while.

I think it's the same as the Olympics.

Seems like, uh, nobody's here yet.

Uh, Jimmy, two of the usual. Hey.

You got it.

Hey, let me show you something.

Colleen: Oh, my gosh. Is that you?

That's me and Scooter and Gunnar and Big Old Bobby.

Uh-huh. What was your nickname?

Uh, F-Fudgie.

But I don't want to talk about that.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Some of the best times of my life were with those guys.

Oh. Thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

John?

Hey, Darryl.

Hey.

Oh, Colleen... this is Scooter's son, Darryl.

Hi.

Hi.

Yeah. Uh, where's your old man?

They, uh, called us Black and Tan.

That's... racist today, but back then it was sweet.

Yeah.

Um, can we sit down?

I thought you weren't coming.

Colleen texted me.

I'll be outside.

You okay?

They're all gone, Joanie.

Every one of 'em.

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Scooter's heart gave out.

Big Bobby had a knee replacement and can't travel.

Little Bobby moved to Florida, which actually sounds worse than a knee replacement.

What about Gunnar and Keith?

They got married.

To each other.

It was about time.

Yeah, but I honestly thought they just liked to wrestle.

Well, that's probably how it started.

Yeah, well, you know, I-I knew the men's chorus wasn't gonna last forever, but I-I really thought we had a few more years left.

You've still got us.

Yeah, but it's not the same as old friends.

I couldn't even get my own family to come out with me for one night.

There might still be time for a Christmas miracle.

(caroling in distance)

Yeah.

What is that?

Let's go see.

♪ On the second day of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
♪ Two waterbeds and a poster of naked Cheryl Tiegs ♪
♪ On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ♪

Did you do this?

No. Colleen.

Merry Christmas, Fudgie.

Joan: Aw.

Thank you.

♪ On the fourth day of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
♪ Four jugs of wine, three stag films ♪
♪ Two waterbeds and a poster of naked Cheryl Tiegs. ♪