01x12 - Bite Flight Wing-Man Bonnie

I can't believe it's our one night out and we have to spend it with some couple I don't even know.

Honey, Tabitha is a valued patient.

Her messed-up hearing paid for your necklace.

Oh.

And better than that, it means today's meal is free.

So sorry we're late.

Oh, no problem.

This is my husband Marshall.

Nice to meet you.

Marshall Faulk, I'm a big fan.

How you doing?

Do it up... top!

All right.

Hi. Heather. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Tabitha. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, yeah, I dropped my napkin.

Yeah.

That... is Marshall Faulk.

I know.

He's an NFL Hall of Famer.

I know.

Don't blow this.

Don't you blow this.

Got it.

All set now. Hey, what do you guys say we order some wine?

(Tim laughs)

I mean, she never told me that her husband was Marshall Faulk.

I just thought she was another patient with chronic ear infection.

Well, the only thing her ears were infected with tonight was your charm and my effortless conversation.

Now they want to get together again with the kids, which is the equivalent of meeting the girlfriend's parents, except this time my girlfriend has won a Super Bowl.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I am gonna text them right now and invite them over with their kid.

I want to keep them on the hook before they ask someone else out.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is it too soon?

No. Honey, these could be our new couples friends.

Except instead of potluck dinners, it's sideline at Rams games with, uh, Marshall Faulk.

Oh, send it, you hot babe.

Come here, give me some.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mm?

Dot, dot, dot.

They are responding to us right now.

Oh, this is huge.

Oh, God.

What?

The-the "dot, dot, dot" went away.

What? They're reconsidering?

Just-just don't...

You ruined it!

Don't-don't say anything.

(phone buzzes and dings)

They're in.

They're in!

They're... we're in!

Oh, baby!

Oh, my God, I love you so much!

I love you!

Heather: Aw, they are so cute.

(laughter and music over tablet)

Ah, yes, the digital babysitter.

I have hired her a lot.

'Cause she's free and she doesn't want to have s*x with my husband.

Well, I'm so relieved that I'm not married to a football player because I don't really have that problem.

Oh, stop.

Tim: Oh, come... come on!

Oh, Tim, seriously.

What? It was Marshall's idea.

Well, he did say he could design a defense to stop me.

Come on, come on!

Touchdown!

Oh!

Oh, man.

Oh, my God, you guys are so much fun.

We could hang out with you every night.

Oh.

Let me be clear.

We are available every night.

What are you guys doing for spring break?

Yeah, we have a place in Hawaii.

Oh, and little Pete would love to have somebody to play with.

Ooh.

Ow!

Their kid is a wiener.

What?

His dad is famous.

He bit me.

What?

Oh, well... he didn't chomp down too hard.

That-that's good news.

Yeah, he didn't even break the skin, and you're a tough girl.

You're a tough little girl who gets in there and keeps on playing.

Okay, I'm just gonna let him watch the stupid movie by himself and just sit in the hallway feeling sad.

Yeah, now you're thinking of solutions.

Ooh, that sounds like fun!

Ooh!

What...

We'll be back.

We are gonna have a great time there.

You know, you should bring all your kids.

Mm.

And we could put Pete and Sophia in the bunk beds.

Yes, uh, yes, yes, or-or, um, maybe not in the bunk beds.

Oh...

What?

Yeah, I mean, you know how some friendships take a little time to blossom.

Not us, of course, Yeah, yeah.

'cause this is very natural.

No.

I think. But I think Pete and Sophia need some time, maybe.

Y... They're, uh, uh...

(laughing): This... this is kind of funny.

There may have been a small, a very small bite. A-A nibble. Just a...

Wait, so Pete-Pete bit Sophia?

Y-Y...

He wouldn't bite anyone.

No.

Well, there were bite marks, and...

No. No, I-it's just that Pete's a really good kid.

When his fish dies he cries.

Well, Sophia is the kind of kid who doesn't bite her fish to death.

Okay, okay.

Pete, can you come down here right quick?

Pete, did you bite Sophia?

No apologies necessary. I think we're all cool.

Yeah.

Let's hug it out.

I thought I was biting Bloody Mary.

Bloody Mary?

Yeah, it's a game. You take someone into the bathroom and turn out the lights, they say Bloody Mary three times, and when they turn the lights back on, Bloody Mary appears.

(giggles) Except it was just me with ketchup on my face.

He freaked.

I was trying to save you guys.

Oh, sweetie, come here, Pete.

Aw.

Tabitha: You poor thing.

I think we should go.

Yes.

Oh, oh, oh, well, yeah, we-we'll just figure it all out in Hawaii on a kayak.

Guys, I feel like, you know, this could be a romantic comedy, you know?

When Pete Met Sophia...

Sophia!

The hit of the summer.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

(door closes)

I miss them.

But we did the right thing.

We chose our daughter over our celebrity friends.

Yes.

Text them to see if they want to go to dinner, just the adults.

Yeah.

We'll take it back to page one of this fairy tale.

Yeah, just a-a date night, you know?

We can reconnect.

Yeah.

Get back to what made us us.

(phone chimes)

Any dot, dot, dot?

No.

I know you're disappointed that we're not flying together.

It's just, I don't want Lark to grow up an orphan.

Well, your dad was a pilot for 40 years and he never once died.

And that is exactly why I am so scared of flying, honey.

His pre-flight ritual was taking a shot of tequila and getting a punch to the chest.

Just gonna be so lonely judging all these people without you.

And who am I gonna play What's That Smell with?

That smell is you hurtling towards death at 600 miles per hour in a gigantic steel fart tube.

Okay. All right, all right. I'm just...

I'm gonna see you in New York.

It's gonna be fine, okay?

Okay.

(alarm wails)

My bad.

Probably not the best ringtone to have in an airport.

No, not really.

Okay.

Well, lesson learned. Love you.

Okay. Hey, let's do one more. Just, you know... in case this is it, forever. Okay, bye.

Bye.

Sorry.

Uh, hi, excuse me, how long is this flight delayed?

It's just, I'm supposed to be meeting my husband in New York.

Oof.

Is-is that a good oof or a bad oof?

There is no good oof.

I have one seat on Flight 47 that's leaving right now.

If you hurry, I can...

Oh, no, I can't do that flight.

I strongly encourage you to get on the earlier flight unless you want to spend the night next to that guy.

Why did he fall asleep on that wet spot?

He didn't.

Ew. Um, okay, it's just that my, um... my husband and I agreed to fly separately...

It's in first class.

What's up?

Attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Pilgrim Air.

(exhales)

(alarm wailing ringtone)

(line ringing, wailing continues)

(wailing stops)

(line ringing)

(recorded): This is Jen. Leave a message.

Hey, honey. I was hoping I could catch you just so I could say good-bye, but... at least now you can play this voice message at my funeral.

(clears throat)

♪ Swing low ♪
♪ Sweet chariot ♪
♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪

Warm nuts?

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

(chuckles) I'm just kidding. Hey, why are they warm?

Because you're rich.

I hate flying, too.

You can pet Jill if you need to.

Uh, uh, no, that... actually makes me a little uncomfortable.

Oh, no, it's okay. She's an emotional support dog.

N-No, n-no. Uh, she's not buckled in.

Oh.

(chuckles) Thank you.

You take it.

Excuse me, Kara. My cookie isn't warmed through.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Short.

Call me Jen.

Okay. Oh, actually, the captain's in there.

It's gonna be a while.

He's disgusting.

But I still want him.

You can go in the back.

Um, okay.

(grumbles softly)

Uh, you know what, I-I think I'm gonna... I'm gonna go to the, uh... the bathroom. And when I come back, uh, I'm gonna bring her an extender, so we can... get her buckled in.

Oh. Okay. Oh.

So... uh, really should have faced the other way.

(chuckles)

Okay.


(grunting) Sorry.

(door rattles)

Sorry.

Sorry.

(sniffs)

You okay in there?

May be one of those I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant type of situations. That would be unfortunate.

(ding)

Attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned on the "fasten seat belt" sign.

Yes!

No!

Please return to your seat and make sure your seat belt is fastened. Thank you.

(exhales)

(groans)

Okay, okay.

Mrs. Short!

Return to your seat.

Your cookie's warm.

Honey?

Ugh, it's me.

Oh, thank God.

I'm so sorry.

I know that you wanted to fly separately.

Honey, I was wrong. I was wrong. I am so glad you're here. Look, this-this turbulence is terrible.

And as much as I-I like Jill here...

She feels the same way about you, Greg.

I'd really rather die sitting next to you.

That's so romantic.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

I love you, too.

(grumbles softly)

Hey, thanks for letting us sit together.

No problem.

(Jen chuckles)

It's gonna be okay.

Is this one warm enough for you, Jill?

Can I get you another mimosa?

I'm gonna get you another one, okay?

See? He's doing great on his own.

You could tie someone up pretty nice with this stuff.

So, Gary, how have you been coping since the loss of your wife?

It's touch and go. You know?

Mm-hmm.

I-I miss her, of course.

Of course.

But lately I've been remembering all the little things about her that bothered me.

Uh-huh. Like what?

Like her general looks and personality.

Oh. Well, have you given any thought to dating again?

No, and I'm pretty lonely, too.

I mean, I sometimes make a drink and have it in front of my three-way mirror just so it feels like I'm at a party. (chuckles)

You know, but that-that's only natural.

Johnny.

Hmm?

You know what would be great?

If you took Gary out sometime.

Uh, you know, got him back into the real world, introduced him to some women. Rebuild his confidence.

You know what'll rebuild his confidence is getting rid of that stupid tweed jacket that he always wears.

Just be his wingman for a few hours.

Uh...

I know a pretty good place where lots of older women go when they got nothing left to live for.

A craft store?

Yeah.

I buy all my art supplies here.

Okay, the knitters are sweet.

The quilters can be a little antisocial.

But I'd steer clear of that scrapbooking aisle.

Those women will murder you while humming to themselves.

You know, I appreciate the gesture, guys, but you really don't have to do this.

No, I do. Joanie said.

All right, men, I'm gonna go over there and warm her up a bit.

Now, once she figures I'm taken, you step in and suddenly you become her best and only option.

Okay.

Oh, my. Isn't that a lovely fabric.

I have a couple of kimonos made out of that.

Well, aren't you a tall drink of water?

Yes, but most of my kimonos are very short.

(both chuckle) I'd like to introduce you to my very available friend Gary.

Hi.

My kimonos are short, too.

Sometimes my truss peeks out.

You know, just about that far.

And, of course, this is your primo cashmere.

Well, you know your yarn.

Yes.

And that's a primo blazer.

Oh. eBay.

Really?

Gary: Mm-hmm.

See? He's doing great on his own.

Mm-hmm.

You know...

Uh-huh... you could tie someone up pretty nice with this stuff.

What?

You know what, I think I got one last thing that could help him. Just wait here.

Mr. Timpkins!

That is you.

I was so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife.

And with no children to burden you. And such great health care.

How will you ever meet your dental minimums?

Oh, honey.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're available.

I still have her ashes, but I don't know where I put 'em.

You want to come help me look for 'em?

I think they're in the garage.

They should be.

So, tell me, how was your date?

Not good.

She was so bored, she activated her Life Alert bracelet just so somebody would interrupt us.

Well, maybe it was a warm-up to get you back into the dating pool.

Look, I just want to meet someone who I can talk to, someone who understands me.

You know, someone like you.

A good listener.

Yeah. You.

You. I want to kiss you.

Someone like me.

I do want to kiss you.

No, no.

Yes, I do.

No. No, no. You... Please sit down.

You want to, too.

You must...

Oh.

I can tell.

I don't!

I can see it in your face!

Oh, my.

The time is up.

Oh.

Okay. See you next week.

Bye.

Bye.

Have a good week.

You, too.

(sighs deeply)

(laughs)

Oh.

(laughing)

Tell me your heart isn't racing like mine.

Uh...

These are new.

Do you want to paint 'em?

I think they discontinued your shade of manipulative ex-wife.

So you're sure you don't want to go to spin class with us?

Oh, no. If I wanted to sit in a dim room and be berated, I'd just have a therapy session with my mom.

I can turn the lights up if that's more helpful.

You have fun. I love you.

Love you. Love...

(clears throat)

Uh... love being, you know, with you... dude.

Good stuff.

He should talk about that in your next session.

Dude.

All right. Good morning.

Good morning yourself.

Bonnie?

Hi.

What the hell are you doing here?

Do I need a reason to see my husband?

Ex-husband, and, yeah, after you took all my money and disappeared, yeah, you do.

How many times do we need to have the you-took-all-my-money fight?

(laughing) Where are all your paintings?

I quit painting so I could take a bunch of crappy jobs to pay off your debt after you disappeared to Bolivia.

It was actually Colombia. I think.

Had a bag over my head.

You need to go.

I have a girlfriend. I...

Oh, big deal. So do I. Come on!

No.

Don't you miss this?

Tell me your heart isn't racing like mine.

Uh...

These are new.

Do you want to paint 'em?

I think they discontinued your shade of manipulative ex-wife.

Heather: How dare she show her perfect face around here.

Mm.

I mean, I am kind of excited to ask her about the products that she uses, but how dare she.

What did Colleen say?

Oh, I didn't tell her.

Why not?

Because who knows if I'll ever see Bonnie again.

Why stir up trouble?

Hey.

Hey.

Sorry to be late.

I went to the Russian bakery to get those little black-and-white cookies that you love.

The lady in front of me bought the last ones.

Oh, no.

It worked out, 'cause, apparently, she was buying 'em for you.

Who wants a cookie?

Bonnie.

Ooh, I'll have a cookie.

(chuckles)

No, I won't.

The "chuts-pah."

That woman is here for one reason, and that is to sink her claws back into Matt.

Matt hates her. I'm not worried.

You are way more confident than I would be.

I mean, they weren't married for that long, but they were on-again, off-again for, like, six years.

It's like she's the drug that he can't quit.

It's like me and coffee Nips.

So I guess I'm just the girl next to him on the wagon waiting until he falls off again.

Damn it. Now I need a coffee Nip.

Oh, God.

Is what Heather said true?

Is Bonnie your addiction?

No. Well...

It was very complicated, but I-I am with you now.

Are you, or are you, like, between Bonnie benders?

No, I'm done with benders. I'm totally clean and sober.

You are my-my club soda with lime.

Club soda with lime is what you order when you can't get what you want.

I can't be your second choice.

Uh...

Figure out what you want and let me know.

She's leaving?

Okay, Bonnie, what is it gonna take to get you out of my life for good?

Ten minutes.

Meet me tomorrow morning.

I want to show you something.

Hey.

Hey.

Remember all that money in our joint account?

This is what we did with it.

Bonnie, you bought a gallery?

We bought it.

We can have the life we always dreamed of.

And I'm just supposed to forget about all the crap that you put me through?

Yes.

Look, forget the last two years.

(laughs)

Remember the first four.

I still love you.

Tell me you don't want to say "I love you."

You know what?

I do.

(electronica spin music plays) All right, 60 seconds! Push yourselves!

Hey, man, can I borrow your headset for a second?

What?

Can I borrow just your head... your headset for just a second?

Please. Thank you. Thanks so much, man.

Yeah, that's right, people, be the best you that you can be, like this girl in the back row. Look at her.

She's gorgeous, she's fierce, she's wise.

Colleen Brandon Ortega.

I love you.

(microphone squealing)

♪ Whoa-whoa... ♪

I love you, too. I love you, too.

♪ Whoa... ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh... ♪

Good stuff.

♪ Whoa-oh-oh. ♪