01x13 - Party Lobster Gym Sale

Ooh, Cannonball Run!

Colleen: Uh, Run-D.M.C.!

Born to Run! Ooh.

Uh... Clueless!


The Running Man! All right?


Come on, I'm running, I'm a man...

Well, we all got the "running" part.

Oh, I am out of shape.

I gotta start working out, 'cause I'm living for someone else now, you know?

Not you, for Lark.

Oh. Thank you.

I mean, I want to be able to do that Dirty Dancing lift at her wedding, you know?

Do that...

One of those.

It'd be beautiful, right?

I feel like that would be maybe weird.

You know, I think you should join my gym.


They helped me lose 60 pounds.

Yeah. Wait, what?



Man: Hey!

You must be Greg!

Good morning, Greg!

Clinton Chesnut, C.P.T.

Oh. Greg Short, d-a-d.

New dad.

Yeah, yeah.

I see that. (laughs)

(makes swishing noise)

Hey, every great journey starts with a single step.

Are you ready to take that step, Greg?

Yeah, I think so. Is it far?

(chuckles) We've already begun.

Come on, I'll show you around.


Let's do this.

Come on.

With our state-of-the-art technology, you can row any boat through any time period.

Stanley, here, is on the Amistad.

Dawn is on one of the lifeboats from the Titanic.

Oh, wow.


Women and children only.Right.

Know what I mean? Come on.

Now, I have been in a lot of locker rooms, Greg, but these towels are the best.

Thread count so high they stopped counting.

(fiddle music playing)

You like to dance, Greg?

Yeah, I did a little soft-shoe tap in my day.

You know? My mom let me chase my dream.

Soft shoe tap is cool, but square dancing is more of a high-octane, whole-body experience.


Now, two by two, let's promenade!

Promenade, promenade.

Now squat! Squat!

Squat! Squat!

Squat! Squat...

I'm so pumped.

Are you sure you don't want to take up the extension?

You could save up to five percent.

No, look, I appreciate it, but there is no doubt in my mind.

It is the ten-year Platinum Package.

You know, 'cause we might move.

The ten-year plan is a great plan.

And you get two free car washes with that.

Per month?



Oh, you're up early.

You got a new paper route I didn't know about?

Oh, well, I was late for my belly busters class because I was spending all this time trying to get my phone in this cool new holster.

But now I can't get the phone to work. It's...

Honey, this has 900 calories, 56 grams of sugar and 87 carbs.

This is quite a meal you're replacing.

Oh, no, that's a supplement.

I just ate six eggs.

Yeah, Clinton says I gotta have calories to burn, otherwise I'm just gonna burn away all my muscle.

Who's Clinton?

Who is Clinton?

(scoffs) Uh, that dude right there.

He only charged me 80 bucks.

Ooh, Bargain City.


I love your enthusiasm.

Don't ever change.

I just want to make sure that you haven't lost sight of why you're doing this.

I am doing this for Lark, so that I can be there for her.

(Lark crying)

Look, can you go get her?

Because I am running late to my Double CrossFit class.

Okay? Thanks.

It's where we trick each other into working out.

(Greg clears throat)

Okay. (clears throat)


Daddy gonna get big!

Okay, okay, okay...

(clears throat)



What is this bike...

What on earth are you doing?

Is that my razor?

Gearing up for my first ride.

You know it's twice the cardio than on those stupid stationary machines?

Yeah, and you get to be out in nature.

I love nature!

You went to the doctor because you thought you were allergic to wind.

Yeah, but he gave me a cream.

Um, what happened to the gym?

(scoffs) Oh, no, I'm done with the gym. Ten years is all those suckers are going to get out of me.

Ten years?

Did you see the baby seat that I got for Lark?

I can get my workout in and spend time with her.

I mean, that's what this whole thing is about, you know?

Me spending time with Lark.

(Lark crying)

Oh, uh, do you mind getting her?

I-I can't walk on these bike shoes.

Okay. Hey. Huge deal that we are not getting a babysitter for an overnight, so do not make me regret this.

All right. Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop are right across the street if you need anything... although don't need anything after 8:00 p.m., because they will be sleeping.

All right.

I trust you.

I trust you. Most of the time.

Trust you.

I really trust you. Really.


Okay, bring it in, guy.

Be good. You know.

Uh, number for the hotel is on the fridge.

If we don't answer right away, it's 'cause we're... getting ice and we'll call you back in around 15 minutes.

Ooh, 15 minutes.

Gotta make sure we both get some ice.

Okay, uh, hi. What's this for?

Ice always goes better with vodka.

Okay, gotta go, kids, bye!

All right, bye, love you!

Bye, Mom.

Have fun! Bye.

I got five people coming over.

I've got my whole class.

I want to be remembered as the guy who threw huge ragers, not just the kid who wore a top hat in the yearbook.

Just poop your pants.

That stays with people.

Mason S. has been coasting on it since Pre-K.

Tyler: There's, like, eight people here.

First party with my parents out of town and hardly anybody shows up.

I can't make a legend out of that.

It's not that bad.

Doing a jigsaw puzzle in the kitchen, if anyone's interested.

Boy: Oh, two bunnies in a basket.


Okay, it's bad.


What if we play everyone our new track?

That's genius.

Okay, perfect, and I'm gonna tweet all our Funeral Goose fans.

Are you sure this place can handle six more people?

For you.

Thank you.






Wow, that's really smooth.

It's like water.

Oh, yeah.

Is this just water or am I an alcoholic?

I think somebody swapped out our vodka for water.

♪ I know we're supposed to be ♪
♪ Birds of a feather ♪
♪ Fly V formation, so happy together ♪
♪ But you watched her sadly, you flew away ♪
♪ Don't care if you come back, anyway ♪
♪ I'm trapped in your love cage ♪
♪ I'm cooked in your love cage ♪
♪ Mmm. ♪

(applause, whooping)

Now this is a party.


I've got some bad news.


(snickering): your band is the worst.

And two, Mom and Dad are on their way home.

What?! Our band is not the worst.

How do you know they're coming home?

I used Find-Your-Phone.

They're an hour away.

Uh, guys? Um... thanks for coming, everyone.

But Funeral Goose has to fly south for the night, so...

(indistinct chatter and laughter)

You guys, the party's over.

Yeah, spread your wings and fly out.

(indistinct chatter continuing)

Get out!

Oh! Now I get it!

They're deaf!

Play "Death, Death, Goose!"

I drove three hours to hear "Death, Death, Goose!"

Play it!


No, no, no, no, no!

(partiers whooping)

(crickets chirping)

Now, what's the symbolism of that?

This... expresses my need to cover up a mistake that I made earlier.


Actually, I made a lot of mistakes.

This started out as a portrait of you.


Uncle Matt!


Hey, Uncle Matt, um...

I need your help with something.


I need to clear out a party really fast.

Did you have your band play?


(laughing): And they stayed?

Of course.

Of course they stayed. It's a good band.

You know, I've cleared out a party or two in my day.

My dad's weddings were always getting out of control.

Whoa! (chuckles) How many times did your dad get married?

How many times, or how many different women?


Guys, can we go?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

(siren whooping outside)

Everybody, cops are here.

Get out, now!

Samantha: Come on, everybody out the back!

Go on!

Move, move, move!

Come on, baby. Get out.

Go, go!

Out the back! Come on!

Come on!

Go, go, go, go, go, go! Come on!


That was so easy!

We didn't even have to tase anyone.

I just had a party busted by the cops.

That's instant street cred.

You're huge deal now... bigger than that marching band kid in the wheelchair.

I don't know.

You owe me big.

I just lent you 20 bucks last week.

And we're even.

(TV plays low and indistinct)

Heather: Oh! Hello!

Hey! What are you doing here?

Oh, we just thought maybe you guys should try a little alcohol.


Drink it.

No, thank you.

Come on!

Drink it.


Sophia, you drink it.

Dad, what are you doing?

Heather: Come on, drink your drink.

There you go. Oh...


That's my girl.

Tastes like water.

That's because it is water.

Now, which one of you replaced it?

I don't even like vodka.

I mean, vodka... which one is that?

Clementine, was this you?


Well, you don't have to answer that, Clemmie.

She would never do something like that.

Then who did it?

(TV playing)

You wanted vodka tonic.

But I thought we were out of vodka.

We were.

Now Tim and Heather are.


(both laughing)



I couldn't, by chance, interest you in a purse with my hand-sewn face from ninth grade on it?

Yes, you could.

I'm a hoarder.


Here's our donation.

Hope people like half-built LEGO sets and Blackberry chargers.

Where's your box?

I got nothin' to sell but the shirt on my back, man.

Nice shirt.

20 bucks.



Yeah, I used to have one just like this.

Heather gave it away.


Oh, wow.

Heather: They can't all be important to you.

This entire group is in stuffed animal jail.

Yeah. 'Cause one is a liar.

And until he confesses... unicorn... they're all staying in there.

Okay, well, whatever you can fit in this bin you get to keep.

Everything else goes into the yard sale.

Why don't I just throw out all your children?

(door opening)

Greg: Look, she likes to get gifts for everybody.

That's kind of her thing.

I know, and it's very sweet of your mom, it's just... I don't really like antique opium pipes, even if I do look like "one of those fun women who would've done that back then"

Oh, you got one of those, too?


Her discovering eBay was the beginning of the end.

I know.

I have the exact same pile of stuff, collecting dust.

I mean, what is the statue of limitations on humoring somebody?

No, you're right.

The longer we wait, the more guilty we're gonna feel.

Jen: Yeah. And...

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say: if you haven't used this Victorian nursing kit yet, Mm-hmm. you might not ever.

But you can't sell this stuff at her garage sale, right?

It's gonna hurt her feelings.

No. Greg is right.


Greg is right.

We have to sell it secretly, over here.

(quietly): Oh! I like that.

Good idea, Greg.

That's not what I said.

Almost verbatim.

Oh, nothing like a well-made shoe.

50 cents.


And the right one's ten bucks.

Oh, I don't need it.

My husband's an amputee.

Oh, no, no... I meant the right one's 50 cents and the left one's ten bucks.

I see you eyeing the baking tins there.

I couldn't, by chance, interest you in a purse with my hand-sewn face from ninth grade on it?

Yes, you could.

I'm a hoarder.


Oh, well, come here.

I shouldn't be here.

Oh, don't listen to that voice.

Why don't you come with me across the street?

Oh, you're taking those.

Thank you! Come back soon.

Hey, are you feeling a little guilty about this?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

This stuff is gonna be with people who want it.

(phone ringing)

(groans quietly) Uh, hi, Mom. Hi!

Joan: Honey, where are you?

I need a price on...

Uh... on Tyler's football pads!

Oh, you know what?

I-I-I am helping this woman load Dad's encyclopedias into her car.

I-I'll be right there.

(groaning): Oh, yeah.

Well, you are like a professional yard sale shopper, huh?

Look at that thing.

That is so cool!

You like that bad boy, huh?


I paid a hundred bucks for that.

I'm gonna try to fix it up and get 250 out of it.

250 bucks?!







You know what? Come with me across the street.

We've got some good stuff I want to show you.

Where are you going?

Hmm? Oh, um... uh, this is, uh, my friend Shannon from high school.

What?! I just met you.

I'm not Shannon.

(laughing): Shannon...

You've always been such a lying bitch.

Who you calling a bitch?


You know what? Let's go look at that high school yearbook, Miss Most Likely to Play Along in a Hypothetical Situation.

(Jen laughing)

Woman: You better have something good over here.

Jen: Oh, I've got gold over there.

Heather, you got any change? We're, uh...

Oh, what are you doing?

I'm selling all the stuff that Mom gave me that I don't like.

Please don't tell her.

Tell her?

I'm gonna go grab a box of crap that she gave me.


Honey, Jen just took someone from the yard sale over to Heather's house.

I was wondering if you knew what was going on.

I do not.

Mm, no.

Why are you lying to me?

I'm gonna, uh, go price out some of these, uh, things.

That's also a lie.


Why are you lying to me?

Wh-Where are you going?


She's onto us!

Oh, no. Oh, no.

She's onto us. She's onto us.


Shut it down.

Woman: What's going on?

Heather: Some of this stuff is glow-in-the-dark, so we're doing this for effect.

Yeah, works great in a dorm room.





Um, we were just, uh...

Cataloging. organizing.

Oh, look, I gave you this for your first wedding anniversary.


Oh, my gosh.

And I got you this when you passed the bar.

Bar, and I love it.

This is stuff that I... gave you.

So what's happening?

Okay, we-we're... we're... selling it, and we didn't want to hurt your f-feelings.

Jen: And it-it really is all so beautiful.

Uh, you have wonderful taste in, um, East Asian special...

No more, no more.

I understand, I understand.

I understand. In the future, if I give you something and you don't like it, just tell me.



Of course. Just tell me, and then I'll just take it back.

That's all.

See you later.

What just happened?

She took it back.

Whew, this is heavy.

Okay, well, at-at least we get rid of a bunch of junk.

Right, yep.

Tim: Hey, Heather, look what I bought.

Starting a man cave.

He got out, he got away.

Why are you looking up?

Oh, underestimating the lobster was our first mistake.

Look at this, you guys, my brother sent me a lobster.


Joan: Oh, my.

This little guy came all the way from Maine, which is where I went to college.

These things are, like Oh, my. the state bird up there.

Even after that long flight, he's still got a lot of fight in him.

I-I respect that in a lobster.

Sophia: I think he's cute.

I'm gonna name him Billy, after that kid at school who was rescued from a toolshed.

Maybe it's not such a great idea to name him.

You know why?

Because they're going to boil him alive.

Samantha's right.

Maybe we shouldn't boil him alive.

Thank you.

We should just bash his head in with a hammer first.

Someone hand me that meat mallet.


Ooh, he heard me.

This is barbaric.

I'm out of here.

Oh, I-I understand people who have problems killing animals.

Because there's so many other things for us to eat.

So you have a problem with it, Mom-Mom?

Oh, no, lobsters are delicious.

Billy? Billy?!

He got out. He got away.

Why are you looking up?

Oh, underestimating the lobster was our first mistake.

No, honey, I-I... I don't think it was.

I think that someone probably took him.

(chuckling): Someone took him?

That's awesome.

I have a girlfriend for the first time in my life.

If I'm gonna steal something from you, it's not gonna be a lobster.

I don't know.

But if you find Billy, tell him Imogene was hoping to have a drink with him, see where the night took them.

So we are officially out of suspects.

Are we?

I've been with you the entire time.

You're right, I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm really hungry... for the truth.

Mom, you didn't by chance happen to take Billy, did you?

No, of course I didn't take Billy.

Never, but I know who did.

Well, somebody knows something.

Well, I just told you I know.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'll get it out of you.

Hey, Dad. Where are you going?

Who, me?


Uh, I was just going for a... Sunday drive.

Oh, okay, because it's Saturday.

Yeah, where's the lobster?

Uh, he has a name.

I mean, I mean, how would I know?


Tell them.

Okay, I-I-I took him.

I looked it up, and lobsters this size are, like, 40 years old.

Now, I don't know how many that is in human years, but it's at least 40.

Now, he's traveled all over the world, kind of like me, and he deserves a better ending than Tim's toilet.

Can't argue with that.

Where-where is he, Dad?

(gasps) Oh. Oh.

John: I'm gonna release him back into the sea.

He's starting to look like E.T. in that ravine, and if we don't get him back in the water, I'm gonna lose my strength, too.

John: Well, carry on, soldier.

You're gonna have a lot of great stories to tell when you get back to Maine.

Bye, Billy.

Bye, Billy.

Safe home, Billy.

Bye, Bill.

Honey, you remembered to take the rubber bands off the claws, right?

Uh, uh...

The rubber bands off his claws?

Oh, yeah, yeah.



I'm gonna just take a quick swim.


I'll be right back.