01x14 - Will Trash Book Spa



Hey, Jen.

Oh, thank you so much for doing this.

It's so great to have a lawyer in the family.

Well, of course. Well, when Heather volunteered me, what could I say out loud?

Well, it is embarrassing.

I just assumed we had a will, but apparently not.

Um, John thinks that they cause death.

Well, I do know a lot of people who died, and every one of them had a will.

Do the math.

Right. Yeah, no, that adds up.

Well, you... you have a will now, too, And, um, I put everything in there that you asked for...

Not everything.

Uh, I wanted to add a couple of zingers.


Well, with both of us dead, it's gonna be kind of a sad day, And I want people to enjoy themselves.

Yeah, it... it's why he wants our ashes shot out of a T-shirt gun.

John: Yeah, how about we start with this?

"We leave everything to our fish,"

And then you say, "Psych!"

Yeah. No, little problem is that, uh, you can't really put "Psych" in a... In a legal document.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Oh. Yeah, I understand.

How about just, "We leave everything to our fish."

"Not!" [laughs]

Yeah, you guys could go all night.

[laughs] Once I leave.

Now is this distributed equally, or is it based on dire need?

Oh, don't worry, I'm sure the new owners Will let you stay in the garage.

I don't care about the money.

I just, I want all of the photo albums.

Oh, that's sweet.

No, I... I need to destroy the evidence of the year that I only wore men's suits.

Oh, that's right, that's the year I wore do-rags.

I looked good.

Heather: Oh.

And, Greg, you wore overalls and sideways painter's caps.

Yeah, people called me Dutchy Boy.

Okay, but seriously, Jen, what's in it?

Uh, no I can't... t... tell you that.

I mean, it's attorney client privilege.

Yeah, but that doesn't apply to families, does it?

Uh, I'll tell you a secret. You want to know a secret?

I'll tell you one right now.

Tim pees sitting down.

[scoffs] if I'm in there, I'm doing the word jumble. Period.

♪ ♪

Okay, here are the executed copies for your files.

Uh, is it too late to add in "of sound mind and dope body"?

[snickering] Yes.

Ooh, I didn't realize it costs so much.

What? Oh, no, I'm sorry.

That invoice was not supposed to be in there.

Is that what you make per hour?

What do the men get?


No, I'm not... I'm not charging you.

Yeah, you're... you're family. [chuckles]

Oh, don't tell Matt that.

I just raised his rent.

I don't understand what the big deal is.

That Heather volunteered you for this, And now we're stuck paying for it.

Yeah, but it's not even that much money.

It's just, like, filing costs and paralegal fees.

No, but it's not about the money.

I've always wanted to call the shots.

My whole life, Heather and Matt have been telling me what to do, And now they're telling my wife what to do.

I can't have that. No, they got to pay.

I thought you just said it wasn't about the money.

No, it's not, but, in this case, it is.

But that's just a coincidence.

Okay, listen, here's the deal.

I'll go along with this, As long as next time my mom calls me, you answer.

So you'll be my ally.

Uh, sure.

What's up?

You're just waiting for somebody to say something, aren't you?

About what?

Greg: So, uh, I'd like to thank you all for coming.

Uh, I know that we told Mom and Dad That we'd pay for their will, but turns out there are some administrative fees.

So, uh, evenly divided, this is what Jen and I feel that you guys owe.

Yes, and we both feel that with equal conviction.

That's right.

Oh, uh, no.

Uh, I'm not paying for that.

You offered, you pay.

Well, actually, Heather offered up Jen.


We do things all the time for the family That actually cost money.

We don't charge you guys for any of it.

This is different.

You're different.

Yeah, I... I helped dad paint the house, and I didn't charge him for that.

Yes, you did, you charged him $600.

Well, I didn't know that you knew that.

That kind of weakens my argument.

Another amazing meal, Heather.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

For you, sir.

And I can give your wife the receipt.

What's this?

Oh, well, since you decided to charge for the things that we share, we thought it was only fair to split the cost of this meal, you know, equally.

See, this is why I said we should pay.

You know, I didn't charge for my time, but there were, unfortunately, some unavoidable fees.

Oh, okay.

Sorry, Hon, I know times are tough.

So dessert is on the house.

What's going on?

Oh, someone's trying to prove a point Because I tried to save you from incurring an expense on your will.

Something that Jen was completely on board for.

Yes, and I am thrilled.

Look at how it's bringing us so much closer together.

Well, if Jen wants the money this much.

Oh, please.

I don't... this is not for me.

I thought you were my ally.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, this is not even fair.

I brought the wine.

And that wine was from our rack.

I didn't know that you knew that.

We all know that.

[overlapping arguing]

Greg: I knew about the paint job, I know about the wine.

Joan: Stop.

Stop. You know, I... I would hope that after we're gone, you kids would come closer together and not behave like this.

No, G... Greg started it. It was totally Greg.

Greg: What? No, I didn't do anything.

What are you t... ?

Okay, you know what? Listen.

This is my fault.

Yeah, I... I made Greg ask for the money because I am secretly greedy and, uh, now I regret that, because you loving sisters and brothers are fighting, so I... I hope that you can all forgive me for creating this problem in your always peaceful family.

I forgive you.


Thank you, y... you are a big man.

Jen, come on, it's not your fault.

No... Look, we got carried away.

Well, your father and I are glad that the fighting has stopped, but it really doesn't matter anyway, because we've decided to leave all the money to charity.

Oh. Oh. Okay, that is...



Is that better than "Not"?

That was perfect.

[John laughs]

[overlapping chatter]


♪ ♪

Okay, kiddos, today we decide where we go for family vacation.

We should use our vacation to take care of the earth.

Ooh. You know, like, pick up trash in the forest or in local streets.

Honey, I am so proud of you for being such a good citizen, but that is no vacation.

That is how they punish prisoners.

You guys say you care about the earth, but you're not willing to give up your vacation for it.

That is accurate.

I never said I cared about the earth.

How about we put it to the test... with a bet?

Ugh, you know betting is my weakness.

All right, what kind of odds are we talking here?

For one day, everyone carries around a trash bag, and all their trash goes into it.

At the end of the day, whoever has the least amount of trash wins.

And that person gets to pick where we go on vacation.

Yeah, I like it.

All right, this starts now.

I am going to win this so easily, because you guys have no idea how much trash you create, because I am the one who always picks it up.

So at the end of the day, my bag is going to be empty.

Can you hold that, please?


Dang it, uh...


Shaking my head.

[doorbell rings]

Hey, Dad, your Gene Simmons bobbleheads are here.

Ooh! Awesome. Can't wait...

Oh, wait a minute. That thing's gonna be filled with styrofoam peanuts.

I just know it.

Sorry. Can't accept it.

You're not Mr. Hughes?

No, I'm Dr. Hughes.

This is Mr. Hughes.

No, no, no.

I'm not 18, you can't make me.

Excuse me.

I'll sign that.

Thank you.

She's not Mr. Hughes.

Thank you.

All right, well, here you go, Mr. Winner.

Now, I'm pretty sure there's some extra packing in there for Gene's spinal column.

So, yeah, you enjoy that.


W... what are we doing here?

Separately, we are weak, but together... we could be less weak, you know what I'm saying?

Sorry, Dad. I already formed an alliance with Mom.

She offered to do my laundry for life, so...

Yeah, that's pretty good.

Uh, You don't mind if I check your guitar case, do you?


Mom, you gonna let her do that?

Oh, sure, go crying to your mommy.

See if she can't fluff and fold your problems away.



Some things are more important to me than choosing a vacation.

Like honesty and trust.

Busted! You have trash in your pants.

I... I... Yeah, well, I bet you have trash in your bra.

He should have to eat it!

With his mouth.

♪ ♪

My car blew a tire.

Well, alliance is over. Good luck.



♪ ♪

[Toilet flushing]



The only good thing that can come out of this is I can see my fish again.


What's going on?

It won't flush.

I think we need a bigger toilet.


I've been saying that for years.

Let's take a little look-see here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Why is there a Cheesy Chip bag in this toilet?

You know those things go right through me, Dad.

I cannot believe you've been cheating.

You know, one day that's not gonna be so cute anymore.

Or... or we could form an alliance.

If you take my trash, I can win.

Then we can go wherever you want.

How do I know I can trust you?

I don't know. You really don't.

All right, I'm in.

40 pounds for Mom.

22 pounds for Daddy.

Two pounds for Tyler, And .7 pounds for me.

Sophia: Forgot mine.

.3 pounds.


Sophia's the winner.

Yes! All right!

I am so glad your hamster didn't die today.

So, where are we going on vacation?

Vegas, baby! Yeah.

Tim: What?

Secret alliance.

When you give birth to them, they are very loyal to you.

You double-crossed me?

It's okay, Daddy.

I double-crossed Mommy, too.


[groans] 45 minutes in line to ride a plastic pig that smells like pee?

I take it back. Picking up trash would've been better than this.

No, it's fine, it's fine.

45 minutes is not that long to wait.


Come on.

♪ ♪

If it's your life story, and... and you looked like a beaver...

I did.

Then why is the book about a chicken?

Because if you Google "The Beaver Who Could Chew", inappropriate images come up.

Yeah. Right.

♪ ♪

So, I have good news.


Remember my friend from high school, Grace?

Yeah, the, uh, the immigration lawyer who started that upside-down cupcake business?

No. Who is that?

I don't know anyone like that.

Grace is a publisher.


So she was talking to me about her, uh, new position in children's books, and I pitched her That idea that I've had forever.

She wants me to write the book.

What? Are you serious?


That's amazing!

And, no, best of all, When I told her I had a boyfriend who was an artist, who could do killer illustrations, she said, "Great".

[squeaky]: Great.

Waitress: Here you go.

You don't want to do it?

Um, I mean, I don't know.

I'm... I'm pretty immersed in my sketch series about [clears throat] human trafficking and genocide and so I... I just, you know, I think that doing a bunch of kiddie drawings would just frankly, well, it would depress me.

She said if all goes well, it could pay, like ten grand.

Matt: And... I went ahead and started to work on some of the ancillary characters in our book.

There's, um, there's a cute but lactose intolerant cow, a very pretty but nosy mini-horse.

Don't worry, the, um, the sexual chemistry there is just subtext.

Cool, cool, cool, but my book is called "The Chicken Who Could Chew."


A chicken with big teeth rubbing it in the face of all the toothless chickens.

She can eat bagels.

We have to show that.

Right, but our book needs to be more than just about a chicken eating.

It needs to show the reality of being livestock in today's rough-and-tumble world.

Yeah, I'm not really a fan of rough-and-tumble for my book.

I'm thinking more feathery and cute.

[whines] I'm noticing this weird thing that you keep doing, where, you know, I... I keep saying "our book" and you keep saying "my book."

Oh, right, I'm... I'm sorry.


That is weird.

I mean, they are my illustrations, so, um...

Right. They are your illustrations, but it's my life story.

I got my adult teeth when I was six years old.

I looked like a beaver.

Everyone made fun of me, but my mom told me to be proud and show everyone what me and my big teeth could do.

If it's your life story, and... and you looked like a beaver...

I did.

Then why is the book about a chicken?

Because if you Google "The Beaver Who Could Chew", inappropriate images come up.



These [sighs] these drawings are depressing.


And these animals are, like, third-world skinny.

That pig, I really think, should be fat.

No, but the cat's fat. The cat with the bag of money And the... the... the sash that says "Foreign Oil".

What if you drew something like this?

And you're taking my pencil, and, oh, good, an eraser... that's not gonna do any dam...

Calm down. I'm not redoing it... I'm just fixing it.

Um, just out of curiosity, how are the kids gonna know that that goat is dead if the flies-flies aren't there?

You've got to be able to take criticism, Matt.

And you've got to find yourself an illustrator who is willing to sell out the integrity of his art.

You can take away my flies, but you can't take away my freedom.

Mom? Can you open the door, please?

It's like she was my boss again, you know, telling me what to do.


Oh, I think this might be my fault.

I'm afraid I forced you to choose a strong woman.

Well, the same thing happened to Greg with Jen, you know?

Who's bold and wonderful and opinionated in nearly all our interactions,.

But it's fun.

It... Oh, it's fun.

Colleen's strong, that's for sure.

I don't think you'd be happy with somebody who wasn't.

And... keeping your relationship is a lot more important than keeping your dinosaur drawings.



Oh, well, then Colleen's definitely right.

You need to do a better job.

♪ ♪

Colleen: What is this?

This is... I'm sorry.


I don't want to argue over something that's actually a good thing, so...

I made what you wanted.

Was very sweet, but I felt bad about changing your work, so I went ahead and sent in the original drawings.

And they loved them.



They're gonna make your book?

They're making our book.

They loved the realism and they thought it was a fresh new take on the struggles of toothless livestock.

That's amazing.


So what are we gonna do with all these cute little chubby animals?

We're gonna use them for the sequel:

"The Chicken Who Chewed Too Much."

Shining a light on the obesity epidemic in America.

Okay, I like it.

And that little sheep on the tractor already has a seat belt extender.


Ooh, let's draw on a little top hat!

I don't know, maybe... maybe, maybe we don't.

I just think it'd be cute. do it quite yet.


Now, what pressure do you prefer?

Lot of pressure, lot of lotion.

You know, dress me like a salad, beat me like an egg...

♪ ♪


Joan: Hi.

Sorry we're late.

Where's Greg?


Oh, damn it, I forgot Greg.

You know, I thought he was quiet on the ride over.

I just assumed he was eating taffy.

Even though I've never seen him eat taffy.

In fact, we have have no taffy in the house.

I'm very tired.



I went to go talk to the roofer and you just cold forgot me.


Cold-blooded. Yeah.

And that's Mommy's bad. But you know what?

This is what happens when you sleep in 15-minute intervals.


You know what really helps me to sleep i... is being 70.

Gonna look into that.

I just hate to see you both so stressed out.

Here, I just... why don't you two use this?

It's a gift certificate for a couple's massage at a day spa, and we don't want it.

But we gave this to you for your anniversary.


Well, we were just waiting to use it un... until we were really stressed out, but we cope by baking bread or, you know, doing yoga or taking spontaneous naps and...

Sometimes I draw on his face, but then I feel guilty and wash it off.

He sleeps through the whole thing.

[soothing sitar music playing]

Now, what pressure do you prefer?

Lot of pressure, lot of lotion.

You know? Dress me like a salad, beat me like an egg.

Oh, and when I start crying, don't acknowledge it, all right?

I'll stop eventually.




I love you, Honey.

I love you, too.

[tires screeching]

[loud crash] Man: Oh, my god!

[people screaming]

That did not sound good.

No, that sounded really, really bad.

Shh. I'm sure it was just a little fender bender.

Should we do something?

Yeah, I mean, I sort of feel like I should go out there And make sure everybody's okay.


Woman: Somebody help!

People just need to get used to the new stop sign.

Man: See if anyone's hurt!

I'm going to step out for a sec While Dionne continues rubbing all of your worries away.


Man: Go! Hurry!

Man 2: Help!

Woman: Oh, my god!

Woman 2: Somebody help! Please!

Masseuse: Call 911!

Put down the beef bowl and call 911!

All you have to do is breathe.

EMT: He's not breathing!

Sounds like everyone needs to remember to breathe today.

[sirens wailing, people shouting]


You really are tight here.

Oh, so are you.

Why so stressed?

Oh, you know, first kid, got to get a new roof... someone's dying outside.

You don't know that.

EMT: Keep moving... that one's gone!

Again, we don't know.

He could be talking about a parking spot.

EMT: Make way! Medic's coming through!

EMT 2: You need more help?


You know, I'm sorry, I really feel like I should go out and see...

Oh... Wow.


EMT: Sir, do not go near that power line!

[electrical crackling]

EMT: We got a live one!

EMT 2: Not anymore.

Oh, my...

I'm going to turn up some of those soothing nature sounds, Just a bit.

Hey, you know what?

Is there, like, a heavy metal pan flute option?

[music playing]

[loud buzzing sound]

Yeah, that's better.

[buzzing, grinding]

No, that... That's the "Jaws of Life", Honey.


That must be the medevac helicopter.

They only send that in when there's a chance.

[helicopter whirring away]

I guess they forgot something.

♪ ♪

Joan: Hi.

How was the massage?

Oh, life-changing.

For a lot of people.

We just... we realized how lucky we are to have our health.

And each other.

And Lark.

And you.

Oh... You're so centered.

Now I wish I'd used the gift certificate.

No, you don't. No.

How was Lark?

Oh, wonderful.

We did a big art project.

Didn't we?

♪ ♪