01x17 - Hair Recital Rainbow Mom

I turn 70 and suddenly, boom!

I'm... I am not fit to fly an aircraft according to my stupid insurance company.

Well, I'll be damned if I'm gonna take orders from a talking lizard.

No, honey, I don't think that letter was really written by the lizard.

Of course he didn't write the letter.

He's the CEO.

No, it's okay, honey.

It can be hard to face the reality of age.

No, the reality is I feel fine.

I am completely at peace with my age.

Oh!

John!

Oh, you did a little something to your head?

I was worried people might not notice 'cause I styled it a little different.

Oh, I think they'll notice.

Oh, my goodness. That's not a hat.

Hey, who's the hottie...?

(gasps) Oh, my God! Oh!

He looks like what happens when you ask a kid to draw a picture of a pirate.

Or that, that Wooly Willy game, where you use a magnet to pull little bits of metal over a bald guy's face?

Whoa.

Ralph Macchio!

You look like you traveled back in time, but forgot to take your face.

Hey, if I dyed my hair that color, would it turn out brown?

Red hair is tough.

Oh...

Cheeto doesn't really love it.

We weren't even celebrating his first birthday.

It was his first half-birthday.

All right then, I will be outside.

Cruising down the sidewalk.

Are you okay with this, Mom?

Yeah, it's pretty level out there.

He'll be okay.

No, 'ca... I'm talking about the hair.

'Cause if you want, Matt and I can hold him down while you go get the bleach.

Honey, I think it's a beautiful thing what your dad's doing.

It's called emotional congruency, and he's making his outside match what he feels like on the inside.

I didn't know he felt like a lounge singer on the inside.

Joan: Oh, honey.

I'm so sorry.

Once I told the principal that Pop-Pop was my grandfather, everything was okay.

It was like the best compliment I had in years.

"Be on alert, a dark-haired creepy guy, 40 to 50."

Hey, looking good, buddy.

(groaning)

Oh, that's so darling!

You haven't dressed like your dad in years!

Here, let me take a photo.

What? No.

(stammers)

Yeah!

Oh, look at you both!

Oh, son of a bitch!

Okay.

Papa and his two sons, huh?

Look at the three of you, honestly!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, I feel like I'm having an affair with a younger man.

Well, get ready, because that's just the beginning.

I bought six bottles of that dye.

(both laugh)

I might need you to change brands.

Yeah.

Huh?

I don't know, you know?

I already have a perfectly good jacket.

So, live a little. I mean, look at me.

I've never felt better or looked better.

I'm very happy for you.

I'm gonna let somebody else love this.

Tell her she should get it.

Oh, your son's right. It looks great on you.

Excuse me?

(louder): It looks great on you.

Just like my son said?

Yes!

Oh, excuse me.

I'll dye it back.

That would be best.

I didn't do it.

That one was trapped in the couch from earlier.

Sh-she... look.

She's gonna practice.

Hey, honey, don't you want to practice your piano? You...

No, I just want candy.

Okay, good talk.

This recital's gonna be a disaster.

She won't practice no matter how many times we tell her.

That is so weird. I knew I sensed candy somewhere.

The entire family's gonna be there.

Everybody's gonna judge me.

Wait, you're worried about yourself?

Wha...? What about me?

Oh, come on, dads never get judged.

Only moms get judged.

You're a hero just by showing up.

Look, who knows, maybe Sophia's been sneaking off to practice when we're not around.

Yeah, because kids do that.

They sneak off to practice during their free time.

You know, when they're not secretly flossing and eating their vegetables.

(knocks)

Hey, sweetie.

Hi, Mom.

I'm gonna just get right into it.

All right.

Um... okay.

Your dad and I are concerned that you're not practicing.

And you know, I used to play piano when I was your age, but I-I don't anymore, because nobody made me practice, and I wish that they had.

Well, no one's stopping you now.

Go ahead.

We're talking about you.

And I had a recital when I was your age, and it... it did not go well.

And I regret that.

Mom, don't worry so much.

It'll be fine.

I promise.

(indistinct chatter)

Hey!

Hi.

Sorry we're late.

Hi!

It's my fault. I had a hard time figuring out recital casual.

You know, you guys really don't need to be here.

You could leave. I'll-I'll give you pizza money.

Honey, relax, we're here because we love Sophia.

And we're gonna be proud of her no matter what.

Okay, were you proud of me after my recital?

Well...

No, you were terrible.

I brought flowers, but I gave them to another little girl.

Wow, that's cold.

No, it's not. She was horrible.

It was one of my earliest memories.

Yeah.

You know, the important thing is, we're all here to support Sophia.

Well, I'm here heroically.

Heather: Oh, my God, it's happening.

It's happening.

(playing classical music)

Oh, this kid is good.

He's like a young Yo Mama.

(shushes)

(stammers) I can't do this.

I-I can't let her do this.

Yeah, you go save her and I'll stay here and continue to be a hero.

Get...

What?

What? No. This is saved.

Hi, hi, excuse me.

Hi, hi. I'm Sophia's mom.

And-and there's been a-a horrible emergency with her pet.

It's really...

(music stops)

(audience applauds)

(Heather mumbles)

I-I couldn't save her. It's happening again.

(playing piano well)

(plays wrong notes)

(playing poorly)

(audience applauds)

It's okay, sweetie.

I'm sure you did the best you could.

Yeah, don't worry about it, you know?

She was great.

She looked cute.

Oh, damn it, I was gonna say cute.

Um, you know what, come back to me.

She was terrible.

That was my other one.

Mom, it happened again.

Hey, kiddo.

Good job.

Hey!

Oh, hey, sweetie.

Are you okay?

Sophia: Of course.

Why?

They posted the performance order last week.

Once I saw Wet Willy was going after me, I knew no one would remember if I was any good or not.

Uh, didn't you want to be the best?

Yeah.

Are you the best doctor?

(scoffs)

Well...

No.

Right, but are you the worst?

No.

Well, there you go.

You know, at first I thought this party was horrible.

Yeah.

No, it turns out, it's just these people and the school.

The cake balls are amaze, though.

Hey, come on, what are we doing here, babe?

I mean, Lark doesn't even like William.

It's Wilhelm.

And, you know what, this is Lark's first kids party.

You know, we-we have to enjoy it.

Oh, my God, Jen!

Honey. (smacks lips)

Okay.

You look amaze.

You must be Greg.

Uh... yeah, we've met five times.

I changed a flat tire for you once.

(laughs) You are so funny.

Jen, he is so funny.

Hi, Marta!

You look amaze!

That's Marta Pigeon.

She's the head of the preschool I was telling you about.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's Earliest Beginnings Academy.

It's the best preschool in the city, and we want the best for Lark.

Go schmooze her five minutes ago.

Hi. 'Kay, I'm gonna go.

Hey!

You look amaze.

Why can't Lark just go to that sweet little preschool at the end of our street?

Lower your voice and raise your standards, okay?

Preschool's gonna set the academic tone for the rest of Lark's life.

Like, you know those kids we grew up with that we hated who had every advantage?

Don't we want that for Lark?

Well, yeah, but I don't think they make red Celicas with spoilers anymore.

Oh, look, oh, oh, ooh, she's not talking to anybody.

Hey, I want to go tell her that Lark's obsessed with Beethoven.

Okay, I don't think it's that impressive.

Well, I'm not gonna tell her it's the dog movie.

Okay, good.

Ugh, damn it.

Hey, honey, act like you're going for a chip or something.

What?

(laughter and indistinct chatter)


Where are the real animals?

Oh, this is a stuffed animal petting zoo.

No E. coli.

But the kids still Purell afterwards, so they know what to do if they ever touch a real animal.

Okay, but, uh, but whose, uh, droppings is he scooping up?

Those are chocolate-covered raisins.

Yum.

So, uh, your guys' kids go to, uh, Earliest Beginnings?

Yeah.

Yeah, my Atticus and her Vidalia... are Quinoas together.

They were Buddhas, but then they folded that class into the Recyclers.

Are you applying to Earliest Beginnings?

Greg: Oh, yeah.

Yeah, fingers crossed.

Well, Earliest is pretty tough.

I married a woman, and that only moved me up a few places on the list.

Not that I did it for that reason entirely.

I mean, I also wanted to have orgasms.

So where else are you looking?

Uh... oh, uh, a lot of places.

Yeah, uh, I'm, uh, just, uh, God, I'm trying to remember some of the names.

Um... rainbows is one of them.

In fact, it's-it's at the top of our list.

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no.

Uh, you know, it's funny, they don't have a website.

Yeah.

Don't have a website.

They don't have a phone number.

They don't even have an address.

In fact... the name of the school is Invisible Rainbows.

Yeah, 'cause it's a, um... it's a, uh, pop-up school that's in a different place every day.

Like a rainbow.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, psst.

Huh?

You know, at first I thought this party was horrible.

Yeah.

No, it turns out, it's just these people and this school.

The cake balls are amaze, though.

Okay, well, you know what, you're in luck, 'cause turns out... don't do that.

Turns out, there is a newer, hotter preschool called Invisible Rainbows.

But, I mean, I doubt we could ever get in.

I-I don't even think we could find it.

(snorts)

What?

I'm pretty sure we can get in.

What?

Yeah, I know the guy who started it.

Shut up.

Yeah, it's me.

I made it up. (laughs)

What?

What is wrong with you?

I don't know. Uh, look, uh, they were just asking me all these questions and pressuring me.

You know, "What school are you applying to?"

I said, "I don't know," and I just... spat out Invisible Rainbows, and here we are.

I even told 'em I designed the logo. Look.

There's nothing on...

Oh, okay.

Yeah, because at Invisible Rainbows, they only see the children.

You're so dumb.

Oh, my God, you're so dumb.

Jen: Oh, oh, oh.

Check it. Marta.

She's separating from the herd.

Okay, you know what?

Okay.

Let's pounce on her like a stuffed lion at a fake zoo.

(clears throat) Well, we're at a fake zoo.

Okay.

Oh, hi, hi, hi.

Hi.

Hi, sorry, I'm Jen... Collins Short.

Mm-hmm.

This is my husband, Gregory Short.

Hi.

And this is our daughter, uh, Lark.

Oh, from Percy Bysshe Shelley's "Ode to Skylark"?

Exactly right.

Mm-hmm.

How did you know?

Yeah, most people don't get that reference.

Um, anyway, we love your school.

Oh, I heard you two were seriously considering another school.

(scoffs)

Oh.

(laughing)

Do you mean Invisible Rainbows?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, no, that-that-that school doesn't seem very... real.

Honestly, I know the head of that school, and she can't be trusted.

The...

Invisible Rainbows?

Mm-hmm.

Very dishonest.

Very dishonest.

Mm-hmm.

The only thing invisible there are the iPads.

(whispering): We average 1.5 per student.

Not bragging, just telling.

(whispering): Well, that's very good to know.

(whispering): Wow, wow, wow, wow.

Yeah.

Okay. I...

You know what, Marta, thank you so much for your honesty.

Oh...

And, um, your iPad ratio seems off the charts, but I think we've... we've actually found a-a preschool that's, uh, right down the block.

Oh? Which one is that?

It's called Close and Good Enough.

And the people there aren't full of chocolate-covered raisins.

Bye, Marta.

(sighs)

Bye-bye.

I could never truly marry again after your father.

Well, you've married four times since, so...

Yeah, but not truly.

(explosions)

Oh!

Boom!

When the hell did the whale get a gun?

Rematch.

No, I got to get cleaned up.

I'm meeting Colleen's mom tonight.

Ooh... a little window into her future.

Let's hope it's a tall, skinny window, and not a giant glass wall that can't go sleeveless anymore.

Colleen's beautiful. She's always gonna be beautiful.

Jen's mom is beautiful, but give her three sips of wine, and she starts crying about all of her dead pets.

I'm not worried.

And pulling them from her freezer.

Colleen's so amazing that her mother would have to be a real nut case in order for me to be nervous.

Wow.

Thank you, Mia.

Those are some bones.

Colleen told me you're an artist, so I thought maybe you could paint them, or, you know, mosaic them, or, I don't know make planters out of 'em.

What do I know? I'm not an artist.

(laughs)

Maybe you could macramé them.

Do you do that?

Oh, yeah, totally.

Do you macramé?

Yeah. Yeah, total...

That... wow, that's a lie.

Yeah.

I-I-I just said that because I'm nervous and I really want you to like me.

Not a problem, baby, not a problem.

You look just like my first husband.

Okay.

Uh, Mom... so, last time I saw you, you were wearing only kimonos.

I assume you dumped Tetsuhiro and you're dating what, now, a rancher?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Buck happens to be a goat rancher.

Oh.

And he installs hot tubs.

(Colleen laughs)

We are so connected.

And of course, I've always loved big sky country, so...

You raised me in a basement apartment.

Don't go there.

Times were very tough when your father up and left us in the middle of the night.

That's fair. Mm-hmm.

Actually, it was more like noon.

I was hungover, I was still asleep.

Matt: Mm-hmm. - It felt like the night.

Anyway...

I think I'd better go and... and start my chili.

Buffalo meat takes a long time to render, kids.

Aw...

She and my dad had this, like, really deep passion running between them, so she gets a little worked up.

Mm-hmm.

And she tends to really just throw herself into all new relationships, if you hadn't noticed.

Yeah, no.

No, that's good, it's healthy.

I mean, it's, like, the complete opposite of nuts.

Mm-hmm.

So then he got up on the desk in front of the whole office and he told everyone that he was quitting, just so we could date.

Ooh, that gives me chills.

(laughter)

Well, what can I say?

I was in love.

I love a creative type.

Colleen's dad is also a painter.

Yeah. He's a... well, he's an artist.

His name is Miguel.

Mm-hmm.

He was my first love.

I could never truly marry again after your father.

Well, you've married four times since, so... (laughs)

Yeah, but not truly.

Mmm. I stand corrected.

(both laughing)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Can't let you take the couch.

No, it's fine. You take my bed.

Unless you'd rather sleep outside under the stars on your bed roll.

You jest, but it's exciting to date different types of men, dear, unlike you, who only have one type of man.

And what type is that?

Your father.

Okay. That's not true.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Everyone you fall in love with is some version of him.

(laughs)

And he's a passionate dreamer and he's impulsive and he's sensual...

Okay, that's gross, Mom.

And Matt is nothing like Dad.

Dad walked out on us.

Unlike Matt, who walked out of a job.

Well, that's not the same.

So he's stable?

Never been married before?

Got his own place?

It's complicated.

It always is.

Baby, baby...

I know this guy.

I married him twice.

It's very exciting and it's wonderful, because he's in love with love.

And then one day, he gets spooked and he just takes off, like a mustang who's spotted a coyote.

(wolf howls)

Ooh, that's Buck calling.

I have to take this.

I'm just gonna go in the kitchen.

This is gonna get a little filthy.

(wolf howls)

So, you met the mom?

Mm-hmm.

What's your future look like?

(laughing): Oh, man, she's so nuts.

(both laughing)

You know what I realized, man? It doesn't even matter.

I'm totally in love with Colleen and I'm going to ask her to move in with me.

Wow! That's great!

You going to get his-and-her garage door openers?

Shut up. No, man. We're gonna find a new place to move in together. I just, I think it's time.

I'm happy for you. She's a great gal.

She's very special. She's way out of your league.

Right?

Yeah.

I mean, I'd be a fool not to give it a shot.

Knock, knock. Hi.

Hey!

Hey, we were just talking about you.

Speak of the devil.

(laughing)

Okay, well, I'm gonna go take Lark to a baby class, whatever that means.

Have fun living your life without fear or any responsibilities.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

You are so amazing, do you know that?

Oh, gosh, no, I'm not.

You really, really are.

No, I'm not.

And I've been thinking a lot about you...

Yeah.

And I think that we should move in together.

I think we should break up.

What?

I think we should break up.

(clears throat)

I heard you.

Mm-hmm.

But we're great, you and me.

We're... we're so good...

I'm sorry, I'm just...

I'm a little bit, um, in shock right now.

Uh, why are you doing this?

The longer we're together, the harder it's gonna be when it ends.

I have to start making different choices or I'm going to end up something I don't want to be.

I'm sorry.