01x18 - Sexting Mall Lemonade Heartbreak

Tim: Hey, Mama.

Hey.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Okay, you know what?

I can't believe that you just ignored the dirtiest text I've ever sent you.

Well, dirty text? What dirty text?

I didn't get any dirty text. I got...

Ooh, geez.

No. The last text I got from you said, "Never mind.

I forgot I had eaten beets."

No.

(sighs)

Oh... (murmuring)

Uh-huh.

I think that's the dirtiest text anybody's ever sent anybody.

You like it like that.

Well, now I see why I never received it.

(laughs)

You sent that to Tyler.

(screams)

I can't go home.

I can never go home again.

It can't be that bad.

Whoa. I have never even seen this on the Internet.

You watch that kind of stuff on the Internet?

Sometimes. Don't you?

No, it's blocked at my house. I thought it was because of my dad, but now I'm wondering if it's because of my mom.

Hmm. You'll be fine.

My dentist accidentally sexts me, like, once a week.

Ooh. You know what I'm gonna do?

I'll look him in the eye and I'll just say, "Hey, autocorrect completely changed the grocery list I gave your dad."

Well, not completely. I mean, "cream" and "meat" could have stayed the same.

God, Tim, why?

Why aren't you helping me with this?!

I'm sorry, honey. I'm just enjoying this too much because, for once, it's not me who screwed up.

Okay, you know what I need?

I-I need the advice... of a professional.

Did I do this to you?

Did I make you like this?

No, no. Nobody did anything to me.

I just... I'm trying to keep it spicy with Tim.

Honey, I didn't even know people could do this, and I've had some long layovers in Bangkok.

Mom!

I'm sorry.

This is a little more than I could handle, so, I-I... I think I'm gonna talk to my therapist.

Do you think that he can help me?

No, no, this is for me.

You need a priest.

(car engine approaching)

(car door closes)

Heather: I got this. I got this.

(keys jingling)

I don't got this.

I don't got this.

I don't got this. I don't got this.

(beeping) What?

Did you know that Victoria's Secret sold their Web site to someone called "Net Nanny"?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Will you go get me a glass of water?

I can smell Pop Tarts, so I know Tyler's in the kitchen.

Look, I cannot keep doing this.

If I wanted to run up and down the stairs two times a day, I'd join a gym.

You're gonna have to talk to him again at some point.

Maybe not.

Maybe like a mama bear out in the wild, I've taught my cub all that I can, and now it's time for him to go out and maul some tourists on his own.

You know what? I'll get you a glass of water.

Ooh, hey, hey.

And a Pop Tart?

Oh, well, if you want a Pop Tart, I do not have to go downstairs.

You have a problem.

Hey, buddy.

Oh, thank God it's you, man.

I was so scared to come out of my room.

But I really needed a drink of water.

I almost let Clementine get it for me.

Clementine's in your room?

N-No.

All right, look, this is crazy.

You got your mom right where you want her right now.

You need to take advantage of it.

What do you mean?

What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but your mom wouldn't let you do?

Go to Tijuana.

Then you go to Tijuana right now!

How can she possibly say no when she won't even look you in the eye?

You really think she would let me go to Tijuana just to avoid talking to me?

Only one way to find out.

(chuckles)

Look.

I also want to clarify one thing about that text.

No, no, no, please...

I would be doing those things to your mother, and not the other way around, because... no, look at me.

You got to look at me.

Because I am the man.

And that's the man's job.

Good news.

You may unbuckle your safety belt and move freely about the house.

Tyler is leaving.

What? Oh, thank God!

Where's he going?

He and Clem are driving down to Tijuana.

What? No! No! No!

They are not!

Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine.

I gave them a whole bunch of cash and my dusty wallet condom.

And the mother bear's off to protect her cub.

Tijuana, here we come.

(car engine starts)

Oh!

Oh!

Get out of the car.

You are not going to Tijuana.

You listen to me.

Tijuana is a low-down dirty place where anything goes, which is why I love it.

But you cannot go because you are still a child.

So are you.

I think we can agree my childhood ended with that text.

Okay, you know what? Listen.

I love your dad very deeply and I work hard to make sure that our marriage is strong and our love life is spicy.

And I don't feel like I should have to apologize for that.

I-I am, however, very sorry that you had to know that Mommy does those things to Daddy.

Heather!

Daddy does those things to Mommy.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lark just would not stop crying today.

Yeah.

And 45 minutes later, I found out her shoe was on too tight.

How am I supposed to know that?

I know, it's gonna be so much easier when she can talk.

Like, we won't feel like we're, like, on a Japanese game show we don't know the rules to.

Hey.

Is that Sam?

Yeah.

Hey, Sam, what's up?

Hey, Uncle Greg.

Move, you're blocking the view.

Oh, of what?

Oh, the security guard stuck against the wall on a Segway?

No, we're spying on my boyfriend.

You have a boyfriend?

Irving Rosenblatt... he's the coolest boy in the class.

He's been acting weird.

I'm not even sure if we're boyfriend and girlfriend anymore.

He liked three of Lexie's pictures on Instagram.

Oh, I hate her.

Unless you're Lexie.

No, I'm Jenna. Lexie's a monster.

Knew it.

Okay.

All right, well, uh, what does his relationship status on his Facebook say?

"Facebook"? I don't know, Grandpa.

We don't have a typewriter.

Snap.

Oh, come on, Facebook is on a compute...

No, no, no, stop talking, because the more you say, the older we get.

Okay, fine, I won't say anything.

No, no, no! We can actually help this child.

Unlike Lark, she's telling us what's wrong in words we can understand.

Yeah, we're gonna tell you what you do here, okay?

Yes.

Just go over there.

No, if we get too close, he might recognize us.

Okay, well, uh, here.

He won't recognize us.

(stammers) He didn't know what we looked like before.

Yeah, of course.

Hey, will you put this on my birthday list?

Yeah, okay, one stupid hat.

Got it.

What's up, Broseph Stalin?

You looking for something special?

Maybe for a special someone?

You work here?

Yeah, we do. We for sure do.

Yeah.

We work in this store.

Yeah, I've been working in this mall since '97.

Yeah.

Back when the big and the tall stores were still segregated.

Pre-merger.

Yeah.

I'm Jen... and I'm the store manager.

Anyway, do you have a girlfriend, Irving?

How do you know my name?

Well, there's a... a reason I'm the manager.

You know what I'm saying?

Anyway, girlfriend?

Yes? No? If you do have a girlfriend, everything in the store is half off.

I thought I had a girlfriend.

Ah.

She didn't "like" his Instagram of him surfing.

My boy got dropped!

Ball tap!

Oh...

(whispers): Ball tap...

Hey, well, did you ever think of maybe just, like, talking to her?

Like, asking her why she didn't "like" the photo?

All right, who are you guys? Do you even work here?

Three-time manager of the year, right here.

Yeah, I've won a lot of awards.

Okay, then how come every guy who works here has his shirt off but you?

What's up?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

No. What are you doing?

What are you doing? No, no, no.

We've gone too far. We've gone too far.

Yeah, we gotta go. We gotta go. Run!

I didn't dump him. I just didn't want to "like" a picture of him shirtless on a surfboard.

Hannah G. got dumped because she liked too many of Jonty Crawford's pictures.

Hannah's such a "like" whore.

She'll, like, "like" anything.

Even, like, a gross tuna sandwich you, like, made or whatever.

That was super interesting, Jenna, but it added nothing to the conversation. Just a tip.

Let me see that.

Greg: I can't see it.

Zoom in a little.

Samantha: No, don't... (gasps)

Oh, my God...

What? What did I do?

You "liked" it.

That picture was from three days ago.

He's just going to think I was home scrolling through all of his photos!

Back-liking is so desperate!

Okay. You know what?

Enough with the spying and social media.

Why don't you just go ask him how he feels about you?

You mean have a conversation?

I don't want to freak him out.

Right. Let me get some clarity here.

You guys are-are boyfriend and girlfriend...

I love him.

No, you don't, but that-that's fine.

So here's another question.

Have you two ever spoken?

Of course. We talk all the time.

In person?

With actual words that the other person hears and then responds to?

What are we, Amish?

You should try it, Sam.

And just be straight with him.

Jen: Yeah, guys love it when you're direct.

Like when I told Greg his dream hat was stupid.

(scoffs)

The old lady doesn't understand sweet lids.

Hey, just think, in 12 years, we're gonna be able to help Lark like this.

Jen: Yeah, but I don't want to help her too much, you know?

I want her to be able to learn how to solve problems on her own.

Yeah.

I thought you guys were, like, super old and gross or whatever, but you're actually, like, really cool aunts and uncle or whatever.

Thanks or whatever.

He dumped me.

What?

What?

W-What'd he do that for?

He said I was suffocating him.

I can't believe you guys made me talk to my boyfriend.

You ruined my life!

And mine!

Samantha: God!

Jen: Um...

Jenna: Let's get piercings.

Do you understand anything that just happened?

Yeah.

Teenagers are crazy.

I mean, I think we got it wrong.

Like, babies are not the hard part.

That is the hard part.

But we'll get through it.

Yeah. (sighs)

Mm-hmm.

We just gotta put our thinking caps on.

Okay, just get the hat, Greg.

Oh, yeah.

They still got it!

Great.

Yo, what are you doing?

Oh. Uh, helping to get your new roommate all settled in.

My new roommate? No. No.

No, no, no, no, no.

(whinnies)

John: Look at you!

Pop-Pop's little Dale Evans!

Dale Evans was a movie cowgirl back in the '50s.

She wrote the song "Happy Trails" and I used to sing that to you when you were on the potty, when we were saying good-bye to your poops!

Remember?

Don't watch me, Pop-Pop. It's embarrassing.

Just wait for me at the car.

(snorts)

What in the world?

Well, aren't you a horse of a different everything?

She's a cutie, huh?

(laughing): Yeah.

Looks like you left your horse in the dryer too long.

Trainer: Her name's Lemonade.

I think she likes you.

Awesome. (laughs)

Joanie, I got a surprise.

Oh, is it a food surprise?

I love food surprises.

What on earth is that?

It's a mini-horse. Her name is Lemonade, and she's come to live in our house forever.

What?

Isn't she great?

No!

It looks like a child in an animal suit.

Well, come on, give her a pet.

(neighs)

(gasps)

Oh! Now, that's no way to treat family, Lemonade.

Be nice.

Aw...

Now you're just flirting to flirt.

She'll come around. I promise you.

Come on, girl.

Let's go night-night.


("We're Going to Be Friends" by The White Stripes playing)

♪ Fall is here, hear the yell ♪
♪ Back to school, ring the bell ♪

I'm drinking, she's driving.

♪ Climb the fence, books and pens ♪
♪ I can tell that we are gonna be friends ♪
♪ I can tell that we are gonna be friends ♪
♪ Walk with me, Suzy Lee ♪
♪ Through the park and by the tree ♪

Yes.

♪ We will rest upon the ground ♪
♪ And look at all the bugs we found ♪

Oh, hell no.

♪ Safely walk to school without a sound ♪
♪ Safely walk to school without a sound ♪

(song continues over headphones)

♪ Here we are, no one else ♪
♪ We walked to school... ♪

Yo, what are you doing?

Oh. Uh, helping to get your new roommate all settled in.

My new roommate? No. No.

No, no, no, no, no...

Look, your mother doesn't want her in the house.

What am I supposed to do?

I don't know... off the top of my head, maybe not bring home a little, tiny horse.

Well, it's too late for that.

I'd let her fall asleep first, if I were you.

She does get a little randy in the evening, huh?

See? Good night.

(nickers)

Come on, girl.

What is this?

Oh, this was our wedding album.

These were photos of you and I pledging our love to one another.

Why would you try to eat it?

That hooved hussy did.

(whinnies)

John, I've tried to be patient, but this is a nightmare.

Can you please tell me what's really going on?

Nothing, Joanie. It was fate.

If Sophia hadn't sent me packing, I never would've met this adorable little equine shrinky-dink.

Those are our vows she's chewing.

Hmm?

Uh, here.

There.

(sighs)

Come on, Lemonade.

I'll take you back to the barn.

The trainer was nice enough to take her back.

Evidently, this happens all the time.

What she hadn't told me is the minute you take them off the ranch, they lose 40% of their value.

(yips)

Who are you?

This is Tank.

Tank's a Yorkie.

Oh, my goodness.

Hello, Tank.

I'm John.

I was thinking about what you said, honey, and-and maybe this isn't about a horse; maybe this is about you struggling with Sophia getting older.

And so I got you a pet that's gonna stay little forever.

Oh, thanks, Joanie.

You're so welcome, sweetheart.

I love you.

(growls, barks)

(gasps)

Seriously?

Bitches love me.

Did you get me a prostitute?

No, he's a dancer.

Classy.

But if you tip him enough, he will have s*x with you.

(sportscaster speaking indistinctly)

(chattering, shouting indistinctly)

Look at him.

Just... behaving as if nothing ever happened.

The best relationship he's ever had is over, and he's just sitting there eating hot wings.

And I'll bet you Colleen is just drowning in tequila right now.

That's not racist.

No, no, Latinos can swim.

Do we know what happened?

Yeah, it's the same thing that always happens.

He meets somebody great, they want a commitment, he freaks out, and then he dumps them, like an idiot.

Yeah. And he told you that?

No, he told me to mind my own business.

Wow. Rude.

Oh.

(Jen clears throat)

Hey, honey, uh, what has Matt told you about the breakup?

Oh. You know, I wish I could tell you, but can't... bro code.

Yeah, you don't remember, do you?

Uh, maybe he said he was sad.

Jen: Mm-hmm.

Or fine or maybe happy.

You're a good listener.

Thanks.

(indistinct shouting, cheering)

Ugh, poor Colleen.

Yeah, we got to do something.

Hey, what if we had a girls' night?

(gasps)

You know, like, to let her know we're still friends.

Oh, yes, I have such a great idea for that.

Wait, me, too.

Wouldn't it be cool if we had the same idea?

Yeah.

Okay, let's say 'em at the same time.

Ready?

Okay.

Three, two, one. Get wasted.

YouTube dance tutorials.

We could do both of those things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or we could just do mine.

All right, here, to girls' night.

Heather: Girls' night.

I need this so bad.

Yeah.

I've been a wreck.

Oh, honey, it's gonna be okay.

Mmm. You know what we're gonna do?

We are gonna dance the sad right out of you.

I was thinking we start with the Charleston, and then we just move forward chronologically.

Yeah, and by the time you get to the Electric Slide, you're really gonna feel better, because you're going to be bombed.

(imitates explosion)

Oh, I don't know if anything can make me feel any better.

I'm just so sad that it's come to this.

Well, I got a little someone coming who's gonna make you feel real good.

Hey, what did you do?

No, I didn't do him, but Colleen can.

Did you get me a prostitute?

What? No. (scoffs)

What do you take me for?

No, he's a dancer.

Classy.

But if you tip him enough, he will have s*x with you.

Heather: (gasps) Oh, this is perfect.

Yeah, it's gonna be good.

This could be just the thing that makes Matt jealous, that he'll just come running-man back to you.

Jealous?

Yeah, jealous.

Yes.

You guys haven't talked to Matt, have you?

No way.

Hell no.

Team Colleen.

Hos before bros.

I broke up with him.

What's that?

Shut the front door.

You just said you missed him.

I do.

Well, then why did you break up with him, Colleen?

Because Matt's a great guy.

I got scared.

Matt fits into some really bad patterns in my family history.

Heather, there is a doctor here to see you guys.

I cannot believe you're calling in outside help when I'm right here.

♪ I like the way you do it, honey ♪
♪ Especially when we do that... ♪

Oh. Oh, I get it, yeah.

Okay.

(gunfire, explosions)

(cell phone buzzes)

(stammering)

(groans)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Matt, Chad...

Mm-hmm, yeah. my three boyfriends before that.

None of them had steady jobs.

And all of them were these dreamers addicted to romance.

Yeah, you really do only date your father.

Yeah.

You guys only got me for another 18 minutes.

You want me to dance or anything?

Um...

Can you unload the dishwasher?

(sighs)

Anyway, I've done some soul-searching, and I think I've finally figured it out.

I haven't told anybody this...

Heather: I think that sounds like a natural stopping point right there.

So great to catch up with you. Really, really fun.

What are you do...?

We're just getting into it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, this has been a good hang, but I think it's time to bye-bye.

Oh, that's... that's it?

Yeah.

Where do your serving spoons go?

Second drawer to the left.

Thank you, Doctor.

I really love bonding with you. Next time let's not dwell on Matt. You know, he's gone.

Who the hell have you been talking t...?

Hey.

Hey.

Uh, hanging out with my sisters?

Yeah. Yeah, thought I'd give it a try.

Was worried it might be weird.

Turns out I'm right.

How are you... how are you doing?

Fine. You?

Fine. Also.

Great.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

(sighs)

I came in here to yell at you, and, uh, now I'm just sad.

Why didn't you tell me that she's the one who broke up with you?

Because the only thing that's worse than you thinking I'm a jerk is you feeling sorry for me.

Come on, I don't feel sorry for you.

I feel sorry for her.

Clearly, she's a dysfunctional fool.

Who I'm totally in love with and can't stop thinking about.

I think I can help you with that.

Oh, I hope so.

Who's that?

Woman: And pump it.

♪ Everybody move ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

I actually do feel better.

Right?

Dancer: Mmm, yeah, girl.